"Snark Bites" 01/11-17/09

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UT to Move 700 Academic Jobs into Football Program
Will transform remaining unfilled positions into 'Museum of Academia'

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. In an effort to save a few of the remaining academic functions of the University of Tennessee, the administration may move 700 academic positions under the football program. All other open academic positions statewide will be filled with mannequins as part of UT's new "Museum of Academia," as the university system devises plans to face a potential $100 million budget shortfall, President John Petersen said Wednesday. Meanwhile, besides adding the 700 academic positions, Vols Head Coach Lane Kiffin announced that he had hired his baby son, Knox, as a coach.

"We've never had anything like this before," Board of Trustees Vice Chairman Jim Murphy said. "But the world of higher education is changing, and the safest place for teaching positions right now is probably under the football program. Plus, we're very excited about the 'Museum of Academia' concept, preserving a slice of university culture for posteriority-, prosperi-, soror- ...for future generations to see how the education system once worked."

Petersen told the trustees' Executive and Compensation Committee the plans for the museum have been in place for some time.

"Yes, we've had vacant teaching positions at UT for decades," said Petersen. "So we thought, 'Since they're empty anyway, why not put them to good use?'"

Petersen explained that for a fee, people who never went to college or who were nostalgic for their college days could sit in the empty lecture halls while the mannequin instructor stands at the lectern and taped lectures play from hidden speakers...

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County Considers Parking Cars in City Yards
Profit-sharing plan to have city ticket county-owned cars called "imaginative revenue option"

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. A new Knox County Commission committee today said it intends to draft a report recommending parking take-home county vehicles in front yards inside the city limits and then splitting the proceeds with the city when Knoxville police ticket them.

While their county-provided vehicles are idle, county employees who formerly enjoyed such perks will be encouraged to explore alternative means of locomotion, including bipedal propulsion.

According to information provided by the county's auditor, the county has 136 take-home vehicles. This total, however, does not include the cars used by the school system, the Sheriff's Department, and the Department of Having a Very Good Reason for Having a County-Provided Vehicle, Gosh Darn It...

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Moore vs. Smith: The Rumble and the Bumble II
Ousted Commissioner Scott "Scoobie Doozie" Moore demands rematch, claims first fight was fixed

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. Disgruntled ex-Commissioner Scott "Scoobie Doozie" Moore wants a rematch against his former erstwhile political boxing partner, Our Larry "The Obfuscator" Smith, claiming their earlier court bout, which Smith won on a technical knockout, was fixed.

Moore filed a formal complaint against Smith with Knox County Political Boxing Director "Bludgeoning" Bill Lockett, asserting that Smith used "dirty tricks, sucker punches, hitting below the belt and ear-biting tactics" in their September 2008 testimonial bout.

"I am bringing to your attention today evidence that Our Larry 'The Obfuscator' Smith is a punk and a cheater, and I'm willing to swear to it under oath," Moore wrote. "He don't float like a butterfly and sting like a bee - he sputters like a dirty carburetor and sings like a canary. Yeah, he talks big, he talks tough, but he ain't got nothing. You hear me? He ain't got nothing! Anything he can dish out, I can take! Anything, I tell ya, anything! ...Well, except for that testimony that got me canned. But that was just a lucky punch. In my mind, I am still winner and champ-een of my district. I am the greatest!"...