"Snark Bites" 3/1-7

3/6
City Sponsors 'Name that County Snafu' Contest
"We want citizens to feel involved in these fiascoes," says city spokesperson

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. With ongoing naughtiness in Knox County government showing no sign of abating, City of Knoxville officials took the unusual step of announcing a 'Name that County Snafu' contest for Knoxvillians.

A Controversy-Naming Committee has been formed to develop potential titles for county blunders, but suggestions from the public are welcome as well. Once the snafus are given official titles, the city will issue scorecards, complete with names and statistics of county officials involved in each scandal, as well as space to add more players as new details emerge.

"We want citizens to feel involved in these fiascoes," said Bill Lyons, the city's special liaison for keeping tabs on county silliness. "We don't want ordinary Knoxvillians and Knox Countians to feel cut off from these shenanigans. They should feel they are part of it, too."

The committee based its actions on media reports of possible misspending in the trustee's office; rumors of ghost employees in various fee offices; outrageous county government take-home vehicle practices; Black Friday, when Knox County Commission illicitly appointed members to its body, which spawned the successful Open-Meetings Act Lawsuit against commission; the ouster of Scott 'Scoobie' Moore from commission and his subsequent call for Commissioner Our Larry Smith to also be removed; the proposed Midway industrial park; the audits of the mayor's hospitality fund, auto and travel allowance practices, P-card program and community grants program, which resulted in the departure of several high-ranking members of mayor's staff. And possibly other scandals that the committee's already forgotten.

"I hope it goes a long way"toward restoring public trust in which controversy is what," Controversy-Naming Committee Chairman Joe Carcello said. "It's gotten completely out of hand. County government has had so much monkey business going on that nobody can keep up. I think specific, catchy names for individual controversial incidents will help with that. Some people have so much misunderstanding. My limited interaction with (county commissioners) is they are too involved with their hi-jinx to take time to name them. So if people are paying close attention, this will move us in the right direction."

Carcello, co-founder of the Corporate Controversy Naming-Rights Center at the University of Tennessee, suggested the city draft a request for controversy name proposals from controversy-naming firms outside Knox County.

County Finance Director John Troyer said that County Mayor Mike Ragsdale preferred to keep the names of county snafus an internal matter and stated that mayor's own proposed names could be drafted within two weeks. The Controversy-Naming Committee agreed to review the mayor's suggestions and pass them on to County Commission for approval. In the meantime, the committee is going forward with its own controversy name search, and the city is asking the public to offer suggestions, too.

The Controversy Naming Committee's efforts got an early boost from Knox County's unofficial historian and "Secret History" columnist Jack Neely.

"Preferably, you would keep the needs of future historical re-enactors in mind when coming up with the names of these county governmental spats," explained Neely. "As tempting as it might be to just dismiss it all with a single epithet, like 'The Failure of the Brain-Fogged Foul-Ups,' for the sake of future generations, each debacle needs its own special moniker. Also, when possible, these titles should fire the imagination, so future students of Knox County history are better engaged by it."

Neely suggested tying current county controversies to historical and literary figures that embody the area's lawless and shadowy past.

"For example, take the outlaw Harvey Logan, otherwise known as 'Kid Curry,' who was last seen riding a stolen horse south across the Gay Street Bridge in 1903," said Neely. "Instead of calling last year's dispute over the mayor's off-the-books hospitality fund the 'Slush-Fund Contretemps,' you might call it the 'Last Ride of the Curry-Favor-Fund Gang.'"

Neely was just getting warmed up...

3/3
March Madness: TVA, Knox County in Finals of 'Extreme Excess' Games
TVA, County officials trade trash talk over who will take "Extreme Excess" title

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. Knox County's government and the quasi-governmental, pseudo-private utility giant Tennessee Valley Authority are set to clash in the newly established "Extreme Excess" games, and the trash talking has already begun.

"We have employees out there charging 75 million on their p-cards," taunted TVA President and CEO Kilmore Trout. "The county charged what? Tens of thousands? That's penny-ante. They got no game."

"Didn't TVA inadvertently release a 'doctored' press release to the AP that showed how badly they were underplaying the severity of their coal ash flood? Is that their idea of a full-court press press?" retorted Knox County Mayor Mike Ragsdale. "Compare that to my tightly managed press play when I cleared myself of any wrongdoing in our P-card fiasco. That's how pros play the game."

The extreme excess competition is the brainchild of Knox County Commissioner Richard Briggs, who explained that the concept seemed a natural outgrowth of the county's inability to avoid indulging in excessive and outrageous behavior in recent years.

"Some of the Charter officers have largely ignored the provisions of the Knox County Charter and Knox County Code related to employees, budgets, control of funds, execution of contracts and engagement of counsel," said Briggs. "If we must suffer these indignities, let's at least get some mileage out of them. That's what my 'Extreme Excess' games are designed to do."

Briggs formulated a method for scoring the excesses of government entities using his "reasonable man" standard.

"Basically, I just asked myself, 'What would the average guy be really offended by?'" explained Briggs.

Scores in the competition will be based on the following criteria:

- Degree of physical harm to the community
- Extent of damage to the reputation of the offending organization
- Overall financial cost of the incident
- Egregious stupidity of each offense
- Sheer effrontery of official explanations of what happened
- Comprehensive outrage of affected communities

Each category is weighted on a flexible system that takes into account a number of factors, while trying to maintain a fair balance given the disparities in resources between the organizations. For instance, because Knox County cannot compete in absolute terms with federal governmental waste, Briggs determined that the county would receive a handicap: It gets to multiply all its financial outrages by 1,000. However, the heaviest weight is on the "comprehensive outrage" category.

"Ultimately the winner will be declared by the wounded constituencies themselves - outraged taxpayers or indignant ratepayers," said Briggs.

Ragsdale acknowledged that Knox County would have difficulty competing on the financial level, but insisted that his government had an excellent shot at capturing the damaged reputation, egregious stupidity, sheer effrontery, and comprehensive outrage categories...

3/1
Government Zombies Suspected in Body Farm Skull Thefts
"They're just looking for some brains," says county spokesperson

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. If you see any stray skulls lying around the City County Building, chances are some zombified county officials were just looking for snacks in all the wrong places, like UT's Body Farm.

University of Tennessee police want whoever stole the skulls from UT's world-famous anthropological research center to know that the brains have long since decomposed. Decomposed brains offer zombies no sustenance and are pretty bland to boot.

Officials believe the theft happened earlier this week simultaneous with revelations of possible lawbreaking in the Knox County Trustee's office - in other words, right when someone in county government might have been desperate for some brains.

"We discovered the breach today," said a UT spokesperson. "It is not definite that county officials did it. It's just that there's never been a group in more desperate need of brains."

Asked to comment on the incident, trustee Fred Sisk would say only, "BRAAAAAA-INZZZZZ!"

Added former trustee Mike Lowe, "WIZ MUZZZZZTARD!"

Attorney Gregory P. Isaacs, who's representing Lowe and Sisk during UT's investigation into the missing noggins, warned that his clients' comments should not be taken out of context.

"As our investigation into the kidnapped craniums continues, we are confident that our clients will be cleared of any wrongdoing," said Isaacs. "We are steadfast in our opinion that when Mr. Sisk says 'BRAAAAAA-INZZZZZ!' he is only signaling his appreciation for the higher cognitive functions. In no way was he indicating that he enjoys dining on fresh, raw, tasty, yummy, scrumptious BRAINS!

"Similarly, when Mr. Lowe stated 'WIZ MUZZZZZTARD!' he was merely expressing his hope that he could be considered a cognitive wiz, that his reasoning skills cut the mustard. He was not in any way suggesting that he preferred his fresh, raw, tasty, yummy, scrumptious BRAINS! with condiments. Furthermore, if they did have a taste of the waylaid gray matter, they only had a nibble because they would have soon realized that these particular brains were neither nutritious nor tasty."

"HUNNNNNNNNNNNNGRY," confirmed Lowe, mournfully...