"Snark Bites" 6/14-20

6/20
Herb Moncier's KnoX-files
The truth is out there. Way, way out there

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Local attorney and county government lawsuit-maestro Herb Moncier is summoning FBI Agents Mulder and Scully to investigate a vast conspiracy that he alleges permeates the hallways and back rooms of the City County Building and extends all the way to New Mexico.

In his lawsuit, filed this week, Moncier asserts that the Knox County law director's office has been clandestinely controlled for the past 200 years by a succession of secret societies, including the Illuminati, the Knights Templar, the Rosicrucians, the Freemasons, the Skull and Bones Society and the "pod people" from Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Communists, fluoride activists and Flat Earth Society members may also be involved, but the suit is not clear on that point.

The suit maintains that the law director's office is currently controlled by Elvis Presley from a bunker under Area 51 outside Roswell, New Mexico. The suit's explanation of Elvis' goals is murky, but Elvis seems to be intent on preserving a level of ineptitude in county government by somehow enticing voters to keep voting for the same officials over and over again.

Defendants are former Knox County Law Director John Owings, Elvis, the Smoking Man, the One-Armed Man, the Second Shooter on the Grassy Knoll, and any "aliens impersonating government officials in Knox County."

Moncier declined to speak about the lawsuit. Elvis, the Smoking Man, the One-Armed Man and the Second Shooter were either unavailable for comment or dead Friday afternoon. Mulder would say only that he could trust no one, Scully muttered "Sure...fine...whatever," and Owings said he had yet to see the complaint.

"I'll withhold comment on the suit until I've had an opportunity to read it," Owings said Friday afternoon. "But, for the record, I believe the King is dead..."
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/06/herb-monciers-knox-files.html

6/18
Manufacturer Issues Recall for Faulty Law Directors
Defective conscience, malfunctioning moral compass cited as reason

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - A manufacturer of county law directors yesterday issued a recall for all county law directors created and installed in Knox County in 2008. A spokesperson for the firm, Knox County Voters, Ltd., cited "defective consciences, malfunctioning moral compasses and other faulty parts" as reason for the action.

"Yes, some wires really got crossed somewhere in that piece of work," said spokesperson Brian Paone. "It looked OK coming off the assembly line, but clearly we need to institute more rigorous quality control measures."

The manufacturers warned that users of misfiring law directors may experience moral ambiguity and crises of conscience and advised users to immediately wash their hands, check their wallets and seek a second opinion. Other legal entities exposed to the malfunctioning mouthpiece may need to have their ethics examined by a professional.

Paone warned that faulty law directors could begin to display behavior utterly contrary to their programming.

"In models where the conscience and the moral compass are defective, law directors may start collecting money from clients without properly accounting for it or taking in loans but not reporting them," said Paone. "Things just don't tally up right when the moral compass goes haywire in the law director thingamajig."

Flaws in those parts then begin to affect every aspect of a law director's performance, Paone explained.

"Essentially, the law director can't perform its job," he said. "These malfunctioning parts, which are vital for keeping any lawyer in good working order, quickly impact most of a law director's higher functions. In short order, its ability to communicate is inhibited and its primary function, representing and advising county departments in legal matters, is wholly compromised. Curiously, its ability to draw paychecks remains unimpaired..."
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/06/manufacturer-issues-recall-for.html

6/16
Law Director: "I Still Have Work to Do"
Shuffling papers, sharpening pencils, Lockett keeps busy

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Declaring "I'm still in charge of the law director's office," Knox County Law Director Bill Lockett today announced a major rearrangement of the office furniture.

"I still have work to do - I am having my desk moved closer to the window, and I'm thinking of having new draperies installed," explained the energetic law director. "What do you think of chartreuse brocade with lacy frills?"

Lockett also noted that he had a large quantity of folders to file, pencils to sharpen, and papers to shuffle. He said that he would be checking later to make sure that the trash was taken out.

"Anything that happens in this office, I'm on top of it," he said.

Meanwhile, Chief Deputy Law Director Joe Jarret said that the Tennessee Bureau of Investigation had seized Lockett's e-mail records in its criminal investigation into his activities.

"County information technology came to my office under the authority of TBI and asked for access to Mr. Lockett's computer," Jarret said this morning.

Lockett confirmed that the TBI had seized his e-mails records but stated that he was still able to send and receive e-mails.

"I am absolutely the only person in this office in charge of sending or receiving e-mails on my computer," said Lockett. "I can also move things on my desk. See? I just moved my desk calendar, because I am completely in control of everything in this office. I may release a statement tomorrow regarding a major reorganization of my drawers..."
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/06/law-director-i-still-have-work.html

6/15
Re-Enactment of County Mayor Ouster Sought
Rhyming joke from county law director's case may shed new light on why Ragsdale is still in office

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Controversy surrounding Knox County Law Director Bill Lockett has given 12 residents who filed an ouster complaint against County Mayor Mike Ragsdale reason to seek a re-enactment of the historic ouster suit.

"The law director's case gives us new clues as to how the mayor was able to dodge that bullet, so what we'd like to do is a complete re-enactment of the events leading up to the ouster suit from January through June of last year," said Chuck Bowers, a retired nuclear physicist and spokesman for the members of the group. "What we've found is citizens now are walking around saying, 'Is that a Lockett in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me,' but no such jokey rhyme was made up in Mayor Ragsdale's case. We need to find out why."

Meanwhile, from the City County Building, the sounds of high-pitched wailing and keening could be heard, possibly emitting from the vicinity of Suite 615.

Lockett admitted taking clients' money for himself that was intended for his former law firm, Kennerly, Montgomery & Finley. The firm said the incidents took place from 2005 until just before Lockett took office in 2008, "but only occurred after office hours, which is why it took so long for anyone to notice anything wrong."

Bowers and 11 others, including Knox County Commissioner Paul Pinkston and former commissioner Victoria DeFreese, filed the ouster complaint against Ragsdale through local DA Randy Nichols' office last June. But Nichols' office recused itself on the grounds that "we're always cautious around things that might be politically explosive - we don't want our ambitions taken out by the shrapnel."

Bowers said statements made during the censure and the call for Lockett's resignation last week may give them a new direction in their effort against Ragsdale.

"We keep hearing the 'Lockett in your pocket' phrase now, and we need to know why a similar phrase didn't develop then," explained Bowers. "So we need a re-enactment of everything from last year involving Mayor Ragsdale: the audits, the mysterious $19.65 charge at J's Mega Mart, the lobster lunches, the faux receipts from Kinko's, Ragsdale's amazing 'When I think about you, I clear myself' press-conference performance, the mass staff exodus - all of it. Victoria [DeFreese] already has all her lines memorized. She's revved up and ready to go."

"All right, Mr. Bowers, I'm ready for my close-up," DeFreese confirmed...
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/06/re-enactment-of-county-mayor-o.html