"Snark Bites" 08/09-15

8/15
Ragsdale Explores Balkanizing Knox County
Mayor wants to swap citizens from Balkans, but business "friends" may have other ideas

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Knox County Mayor Mike Ragsdale returned recently from an eight-day trip to Kosovo, where he explored a program of swapping Knox Countians for Kosovars.

"The people of Kosovo are warm, goodhearted folk," said Ragsdale. "I know, because I spent some time among their children, reading to them. I don't know what I was reading, because I don't speak Albanian. For that matter, I don't speak Serbian. I also don't speak Turkish, Romani, or Bosnian either. But they loved me anyway. One taxi driver even said he would send his son and daughter to Knox County to defend me, which was incredibly flattering. He did demand 500,000 Serbian dinars for the bodyguard service, but it's the thought that counts. That's why I'm interested in swapping citizens..."


8/12
Ethics Panel: County Mayor Does Bad Impressions
Ragsdale may still be gonged out of office

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Knox County Mayor Mike Ragsdale, whose "stand-up mayor routine" almost landed him on a revived "Gong Show," which could have gonged him right out of the mayor's office, may not be in the clear after all.

Yesterday, his act received a stinging rebuke from the Knox County Ethics Committee, which found that the mayor does "really bad impressions." The committee is passing its findings on to Knox County District Entertainer General Randy Nichols, who may in turn decide to reconvene a Gong Show panel to review the mayor's act - or if he remains true to form, he'll leave that decision to someone else.

The mayor was found to have committed "official impressions" of Knox County Auditor Richard Walls on at least four occasions.

Walls said, "It isn't so much that the impressions were really bad - they were, don't get me wrong - but that it officially associated me with this government much more closely, which is hugely embarrassing. That hurts my professional standing ... and my dignity..."


8/11
Months Needed to Pry Law Director from Office
"Yes, he's got himself wedged in there, but good," say rescuers

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Emergency workers attempting to free Knox County Law Director from a deep, deep hole he apparently dug in his office floor say it may take months to get sufficient leverage to pry him out.

"Oh gosh yes, he's got himself in waaaa-ay over his head, wedged in too deep, and there just isn't any way we can get any leverage to extract him, so it'll likely take into next year," said Perry Waters, one of several emergency personnel called to the scene.

"Good gracious," was the reaction of Commissioner Ed Shouse. "I'm shocked and disappointed that it's so far out. I was hoping it would be within a couple of months from now. That's an excessively long time for the poor man to wait, all out of his depth like that. Can't they use the Jaws of Life to yank him out?"

"We offered to use the Jaws of Life, but he said he was quite comfortable and preferred to wait to see how things develop," Waters replied.

"I don't understand why they would take months and months," Commissioner Mike Hammond said. "I remember once when I was young and got my hand stuck between the bars of a railing of a fence in the back of some old property, and I had to wait and wait until someone came along and noticed me to get unstuck. But this is different. He's stuck in a well-traveled office. That's noticeable. I'm disappointed they would wait so long to clear him out of there."

"I'm disappointed that they are moving so slowly," observed Commissioner Finbarr Saunders. "Perhaps there's some reason. Maybe he's like a feral animal - ferocious when trapped so they are approaching cautiously to put him at ease..."