"Snark Bites" 08/30-09/05

09/04

Knox County Ethics Committee Excuses Itself from Itself

Related: Ethics committee member Briggs, Commissioner Briggs separate

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - In a surprising affirmation of the aptness of Biblical aphorisms, the Knox County Ethics Committee yesterday became a house divided between itself and could not stand, as members agreed to excuse themselves from the panel en masse.

In a related development, Knox County Commissioner Colonel Doctor Richard M. Briggs, M.D., and ethics committee member Richard Briggs have announce the separation of Briggs's divided political allegiances. The two had been increasingly at loggerheads over questions of commission's authority over the ethics committee. Briggs described the separation as "a painful, but necessary, step toward healing and becoming a more reasonable man."

The announcement comes just a week after Briggs had said he hoped his allegiances could work things out.

The 3-0 vote to excuse the panel from itself came about after a quorum couldn't be arrived at to vote on whether County Commissioner "Our" Larry Smith's moustache had taunted former County Commissioner Scott "Scoobie" Moore's smirk into outsmirking itself last year. Moore brought the complaint against Smith after having been ousted from commission for smirkiness by a judge last Oct. 1.

As a flurry of recusals occurred on the Our Larry moustache-Scoobie smirk vote, frustrations within the committee mounted. The voting controversy began when committee member Briggs began questioning Smith's moustache and Moore's smirk and was in turn questioned by County Commissioner Briggs.

"Was there ever a time when you felt that people might be better off without facial expressions or facial hair," began committee member Briggs...

09/03

School Boards Fear Cameras "Catch Their Bad Side"

"Being on camera just brings out our silly side," says Blount County official

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - The Knox County school board doesn't plan to follow a Tennessee Shy School Boards Association recommendation that might limit the use of cameras or video recorders at board meetings "because the camera adds at least 20 pounds to our figures," but at least one other local school board will.

Blount County has already accepted the recommendation from TSSBA that changes its existing policy regarding news coverage of school board meetings to one that is "more flattering and more protective of our tendency to try to talk with our mouths full of feet," according to Jane Morton, a member of the policy committee.

The new policy states that the press shall not bring cameras to board meetings without the consent of the executive board "unless they promise to capture our good sides and give us time to properly 'vogue' the moment," said Morton, who is a member of the executive board...

09/01

Knox County Government Takes Leave of Absence

Some officials said to have taken leave of senses months ago

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - In the wake of Knox County Auditor Richard Walls's abrupt announcement that he was on an extended leave of absence, it has been revealed that the entire Knox County government has been on leave for some time - the sense of some officials apparently having departed months ago.

"Oh yes, I can definitively confirm that many officials took leave of their senses long before this," said one anonymous county official. "For instance, the law director's discretion appears to have been Away Without Official Leave since at least before the whole defalcation business began a couple of years ago. Other officials' brains are rumored to have gone AWOL as well. I mean, with all the ongoing investigations, the trustee's office, the solid waste department, the mayor's office - well, what else is one to think? And regarding the mayor's office, it's said that the county mayor's mind is still back in Kosovo."

Mayoral spokesperson Dwight Van de Vate refused to say where the mayor's mind was at.

"I can neither confirm nor deny where the mayor's mind is at at any given moment," he said. "Really, I can't. It could be anywhere. Napping in the executive suite, fixing a hole where the rain gets in, reading to the little children in the playground of his mind, wandering behind the little animals - anywhere."

Pressed about the possibility the mayor had left his mind, his heart or other body parts in Kosovo, Van de Vate said, "I honestly can't answer. Because if I say the name of that city, I'm going to get an earworm of that song again. And you have no idea how hard it is to get rid of once you have 'Kosovooo-ooooohhhhnnnnnnnnnnooooooooooooooo!"...