"Snark Bites" 09/06-12

9/11

Group Wants to Give Guns Voting Rights

"Stop treating firearms like second-class citizens," says leader of gun advocacy group

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - A Knox County Commissioner wants to allow guns in parks, at football games and even in commission meetings, but a group originally organized to promote "gun art" says Commissioner Amy Broyles' proposal doesn't go far enough.

Broyles says gun unenthusiasts will be safer if they realize that other people are carrying guns everywhere, including parks, football stadiums and government buildings. She plans to add an item to the commission's agenda Sept. 28 to require handguns to go wherever gun enthusiasts go.

"The bottom line is, guns are carried everywhere, and if we can't beat them, we might as well enjoin them," Broyles said. "Allowing individuals to carry guns doesn't do anything to make our parks, government offices or recreational facilities any safer, but by recognizing they are there, we can take proper measures to deal with the situation - like introducing a fall line of fashion flack jacket and bullet-proof vest ensembles."

But Will Popakapeneu, spokesperson for Gunners United in Artful Respect for and Defense of Depictions of an Oeuvre with Guns (GUARDDOG), which first came together to advocate for government-sanctioned gun-art installations in public places, says Broyles' proposal is not enough.

"GUARDDOG believes any measure short of full recognition of guns' rights is insufficient," said Popakapeneu. "It's time for guns to be recognized for all their contributions to this great nation. Whether you realize it or not, America was built on the blood, threat and fears of firearms. Guns must be given the suffrage - no, that's not right, guns have earned the suffrage, they have earned the right to vote. It's time to stop treating firearms like second-class citizens."

Added GUARDDOG member Walter Pepekay, "Do you have any idea how painful it is for me as a citizen and a gun-lover to tell Ziggy, my Sig Sauer P220 Carry Elite, that he has to wait in the car while I go for a picnic in the park?"...

9/10

Industrial Park Fights Move into 21st Century

Forks of the Tongue Industrial Park businesses say paying taxes for fire protection is "socialistic"

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Lost somewhere in the misty recesses of the last century are the origins of the Forks of Tongue Island Industrial Park fire district. Rumored to have been established a mind-boggingly distant two decades in the past, the fire district was supposedly purchased by business owners on the island from Knox County leaders for several dozen possum skins and about $24 worth of 1982 World's Fair deely-boppers. Yesterday, it was revealed that the park's fire district status is currently a tangled mess.

No records exist from that hazy period in ancient times - almost 20 years ago - when saber-tooth-coat clad county leaders and woolly-mammoth-hide-wearing industrial park business owners met and grunted out the details of the fire-protection arrangement. No records exist because, apparently, writing had not yet been invented in the early 1990s. Had there been a means to do so, no doubt more care would have been taken to preserve accounts of who was responsible for what in the fire district.

Today, no one is sure what businesses are in the Forks of Tongue Island Industrial Park fire district, what the district's boundaries are, or who is responsible for paying for the fire protection. Amidst the confusion, only one fact has emerged: Fire protection tax rates for the district have not changed since the dawn of the industrial park's stone age. And that suits business leaders there just fine.

"We like what we're paying for fire protection, and we don't see any reason for that rate to change - ever," said Forks of the Tongue fire district spokesperson Vera Plucking-Feathers.

Upon realizing that the fire district's records were in complete disarray or utterly non-existent, Knox County leaders leapt into action.

As fast as he could, Knox County Property Assessor Phil Ballard shouted, "It's the trustee's fault!"...

9/8

Obama to tell "bedtime story" to local school boards

Local officials to stick fingers in ears, say "Nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh"

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - After brainwashing school children with his socialist message of staying in school and studying, President Barack Obama announced today that he would set his sights on socializing local school boards in a "bedtime address" to county leaders around the country.

"Now that I've secured the future of socialism by hooking the little children on the mesmerizing power of my voice, I want to tell local school boards a little bedtime story about how their efforts to control the public's use of recording devices at their meetings will backfire," said Mr. Obama. "Not that I'm opposed to controlling the media - I do it, after all - I just think the school boards need a reality check on how bad these efforts makes them look. I'm trying to help them, here - just telling them, do it my way, and you have hope. Don't, and it's 'Every school board left behind' time."

The president then used a fairy tale to emphasize his point.

"Remember how crafty the Big Bad Wolf was, dressing up in Little Red Riding Hood's grandma's nightie and giving those clever answers about 'the better to see you with' and 'the better to hear you with' to keep Little Red off her guard?" he said. "That's what the school boards need to do. Tell the people what they want to hear. It works. Admittedly, the wolf came to a bad end in that one, but charm and guile can carry you a long way. Look how far my silver tongue's carried me, after all. Anyway, the point is, they need to use charm, not intimidation, so I'll tell them the old saw about attracting more flies with honey than vinegar - although why you'd want flies in your honey is something I've never understood."

Local reaction to the president's planned bedtime story was decidedly mixed.

Blount County school policy committee member Jane Morton said, "We won't listen. We'll shut our eyes and stick our fingers in our ears up to the knuckle and go 'Nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh.' That'll show him."

When it was pointed out that if the school board took this course of action, board members wouldn't be able to tell whether members of the public were recording them, Morton responded by shutting her eyes, sticking her fingers in her ears and saying "Nuh-nuh-nuh."...