Mr. Mean

"Snark Bites," 01/31-02/13/10

2010-02-14T11:02:00.000-08:00

2/13

Battle of Midway Memorial Industrial Business Amusement Theme Recreation Park Moves Forward

TDC finally gets its way on 187th try for revamped, multi-use park

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - A multi-use park in the Thorngrove community - which The Development Corporation of Knox County initially proposed as an industrial park, then a business park, then as a memorial to World War II's Battle of Midway, then as a relocated urban industrial park in downtown Knoxville, then an amusement park, among sundry other plans - has finally crossed its initial hurdle with the Metropolitan Planning Commission. TDC won approval for the park by combining all of its previous proposed uses for the land into one project. Unofficial counts put this at the 187th time TDC had brought the park before the MPC.

Thorngrove community members and others opposed to the park, now called the Battle of Midway Memorial Industrial Business Amusement Theme Recreation Park, say it doesn't fit with the rural character of the area and will attract undesirable elements to their community. Todd Napier, executive vice president of the Development Corp., told MPC that the community's fears were unfounded, but that his agency nonetheless took them seriously.

"They're just crazy," Napier said. "They just get their sweet little heads all in a tizzy, and then there's just no talking to them. But really, just because there are idled brownfields all over Knox County waiting for new businesses to locate to them, and just because the karsty terrain of this area makes it a lousy choice for an industrial park and restricts the kind of businesses that can go there in the first place, and just because everyone in the community is opposed to the project but we've relentlessly and single-mindedly pursued it as if fear of death itself were driving us, there's no reason whatsoever for their paranoia. They're just a little touched. Nevertheless, we take them very seriously - bless their hearts. They're so cute when they're upset."

"What kind of attractions and businesses does TDC expect to install in this park along I-75?" asked a reporter.

"It's I-40, not I-75," said Napier. I'm glad you asked that, because we at TDC are very excited about the possibilities offered by this combination park. We still plan to have attractions like the Guess-Your-Wallet's-Weight, the Tilt-A-Wallet, the Ferris Wheel of Fortune, the Incredible Vanishing Dollar act, purse jugglers, money swallowers-"

"That's exactly what we object to," interjected Lisa Starbright of the Preservation of Sanity Association. "These types of sleazy attractions and acts are completely out of character for the area."

"You don't think the Incredible Vanishing Dollar is a good act?" protested Napier.

"I don't care whether it's a good act or not," returned Starbright. "Whatever it is, this all seems designed to get the MPC to approve things that take money out Knox Countians' pockets at the behest of TDC and of the Chamber."

"How do you respond to that charge, Mr. Edwards?" an opinion columnist asked Mike Edwards, CEO of the Knoxville Area Chamber Partnership. "Did you at KCDC influence the MPC?"

"I'm with the Chamber, not KCDC, and I didn't talk to a single MPC commissioner," he said. "It's easy to take the Development Corp. and make it into some sort of trilateral commission - you know - a creepy somebody-pulling-the-strings-behind-the-scenes sort of thing. But TDC isn't the creepy somebody-pulling-the-strings-behind-the-scenes sort of thing. Neither is KCDC. We at the Chamber are the creepy somebody-pulling-the-strings-behind-the-scenes sort of thing..."

2/12

Knox County Abuses Workers' Trusts

"They've drained our reserve of trust dry," says employee spokesperson

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - A lawsuit alleging Knox County improperly capitalized on employees' trusting natures could become a class-action suit to force all county officials who have abused people's trust to stand up in front of all county citizens, own up to their effrontery and restore trust in county government.

The employees asked Knox County Chancellor Daryl Fansler at a Thursday hearing to allow all current and former Knox Countians to join in the lawsuit if they "ever, in the innocence and the goodness of their hearts, made the mistake of trusting officials in the Knox County government."

Representatives for the county and the Knox County Trust R Us Board oppose class action status, arguing that "everyone should know better by now than to trust Knox County's government, so if some employees and citizens did, that's their own faults. In other words, this emptor's got a great big neon caveat over it."

The total amount of trust eroded by the county by any one act of duplicity, skullduggery, nefariousness, iniquity, chicanery, perfidy, mendacity, or ignominy was small, both sides agree. But the cumulative effect on employees' ability to trust in any authority figure is overwhelming, say the employees.

"I thought I was safe trusting Knox County to handle my affairs for me; I thought they were people with principles, interested in the well-being of my trust," said an employee who wished to remain anonymous for fear of retribution. "Instead, they were keeping interest from my trust principal for their well-being. They misused and abused my trust horribly. My fund of trust is wiped out. I have nothing left. I wouldn't even trust my own mother now - not even if she were Mother Teresa."

The employees allege that the county delayed their contributions to various trust funds for three to six weeks and improperly absorbed the positive vibes generated by the good faith the employees had toward the responsible county officials, while the county was abusing that trust by keeping the employees' money in a Knox County account to earn interest for the county. The workers argue that the county owes it to all citizens to restore every ounce of trust it has drained from them.

A Knox County spokesperson who wished to remain anonymous for fear of responsibility said the county had no choice but to take advantage of the employees' trust.

"Of course we drained the employees' trust reserves; we had to," the spokesperson said. "The citizens are on to us - we drained their trust a long time ago. Their hopes, dreams, faith, belief, optimism, charity, goodwill and kindness, too. There's nobody left for us to take advantage of. We were desperate to siphon off someone else's trust, because morally, we're bankrupt..."

2/9

Latest County Mayor Candidate Strikes Fear into Opponents

"Oh no, it's Michael McBath!" cry terrified GOP heavyweights

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Yesterday's entry into the Knox County mayor's race of a Democratic candidate unencumbered by connections to the local Democratic organization has sent the other three candidates scrambling to reassess their campaign strategies. On Monday, Michael McBath, a 24-year-old West Knoxvillian without ties to the local Democratic Party filed as a Democrat candidate in this year's Knox County mayor's race.

"Someone thought to run as a Democrat without connections to the local Democratic chapter?" asked former county sheriff and Republican mayoral candidate Tim Hutchison. "Brilliant!"

When State Senator and Republican mayoral candidate Tim Burchett asked who the Democratic candidate was and was told "Michael McBath," he grew pale and shrieked, "Michael McBath? That's terrible! It can't be Michael McBath! Not Michael McBath, anybody but Michael McBath!"

"Who's Michael McBath?" asked Independent candidate Lewis Cosby.

"I have no idea!" cried Burchett...

2/6

Local Food Show Presents Knox County-Themed Super Bowl Snacks

Quiche My Grits offers locally inspired dishes for tomorrow's big game

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - When rock 'n' relic band Who's Left takes the field to entertain the audience during halftime of Super Bowl XLIV tomorrow, Knox Countians can chow down on snacks with a local taste, thanks to the food program Quiche My Grits©, of the Knox County's Cookin' Now Network. Each week on Quiche My Grits, county officials share their recipes for fusion dishes that combine traditional Old South staples with haute cuisine while displaying the sass that won them office.

Quiche My Grits's hosts, Uncle Ned "Unka" Shush and Olay Ajenous, explained their Super Bowl snack strategy.

"What we got here is a whole passel of different local favorites, some of them created by local officials and some of them created by us from the inspiration of our local color," said Shush, smilingly.

Said Ajenous, radiantly, "What we were striving for were out-the-ordinary dishes that nonetheless really communicate to you just what the unique flavor of Knox County is. I think we succeeded marvelously."

"Now, we have to admit right here that a lot of it might not taste too good," added Shush, grinning broadly. "But even if you have to spit a lot of it out, it'll still leave 'Knox County' lingering on your taste buds like nothing else."

The hosts shared a chuckle at Shush's witticism, and then Ajenous began the presentation.

"For appetizers, we start with three variations on a theme," said Ajenous. "Here you have Tim Hutchison's Po' Boy Poe-Tay-Toe Skins, which he says are lovingly created and served with the common touch. Then you have Tim Burchett's Patented Pah-Tay-Toe Skins, which he claims are lovingly created and served with an uncommon touch. And finally, you have Lewis Cosby's Meat-and-Potato Skins, which he says are lovingly created and surprisingly different than those of the Tims..."

2/3

County Mayor Candidates Running Against "Ghost of Mayor Past"

Burchett, Cosby, Hutchison all running against the memory of Mike Ragsdale

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - All three candidates for Knox County mayor will apparently be running against a photograph of current County Mayor Mike Ragsdale and a laundry list of voter grievances against his administration. Former Knox County Sheriff Tim Hutchison (R-Hilton Head), current State Senator Tim Burchett (R-Closer to Knoxville than Hilton Head, I Promise), and retired accountant Lewis Cosby (I-Am My Own Man) have announced their intention to seek the mayor's office in the upcoming election.

Cosby, 59, past owner of three Knoxville TV stations and self-described "primarily Republican kind of person," recently straightened out a significant political identity crisis to emerge Tuesday as an independent candidate for mayor, stating that he was not foolish enough to go up against the two Tims' heavy machinery in the Republican primary.

"Why run on my ideology against the Tims in the Republican primary, when it's more expedient to let those two bloody each other up running there, and then I can run in the general election against Mike Ragsdale?" explained Cosby.

When it was explained that Ragsdale was term-limited from running again, Cosby said he knew that already.

"Of course I know Ragsdale can't run again," confirmed Cosby. "That's why I'll be running against his legacy. I have been running against it for going on two years - Why should I stop now?"

Hutchison and Burchett also stated that they would not be running against each other or Cosby.

"I also plan to be running against Ragsdale's record, against which I will stack my record as mayor any day," said Burchett.

When it was pointed out that he had never been a mayor, Burchett replied, "Exactly. And I stand that record against Ragsdale's achievements as mayor without hesitation..."

2/2

Punxsutawney Phil Sees Federal Budget's Shadow, Faints

Groundhogs across U.S. dropping from shock at grim shadow cast by President Obama's proposed deficits

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Punxsutawney Phil collapsed this Groundhog Day morning after seeing the looming penumbra of the federal budget's record deficits. While the world's most famous specimen of Marmota monax was listed as in stable condition and asking for large doses of federal fiduciary discipline, his brethren nationwide were reportedly dropping in droves at the sight of the lengthening shadow of debt cast over future generations.

Local rodent reaction ranged from advocating resistance to forced forecasting to counseling caution against hasty action to returning to hibernation for another six weeks and seeing if maybe things didn't look a little better in the softer light of a spring morning.

A long-time friend of Phil, Knoxville Kneal, a lesser-known groundhog occasionally used for prognostication purposes, said asking groundhogs to predict the future amounted to "cruel and unusual" punishment and that protections should be in place to prevent the rodents from being exploited in this way.

"Phil can't be concerned with forecasting whether there will be six more weeks of winter when he's worried about six generations of indentured servitude for America's children," rasped Kneal. "If all the meteorologists in East Tennessee with all their sophisticated instruments and computer models can mistake three inches for 12 inches of snow, why should anyone expect accuracy from a large furry mammal with the brain the size of a walnut? - No offense meant to Phil - or to myself, either..."

"Snark Bites," 1/18-31 /10

2010-02-14T10:54:00.000-08:00

1/29

Snowstorm U.S.'s "Reward for Being Good" Says Evangelist

Others attribute storm to Santa Claus, federal government, meteorological conditions

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - As a major winter storm wreaked havoc across the nation's Midwest and South, prominent evangelist and one-time presidential candidate Pat Robertson deemed it "God's reward to the U.S. for being good."

Robertson, who said the devastating earthquake that struck the Caribbean island nation of Haiti two weeks ago was God's punishment for a supposed long-ago "pact with the devil," has neither a degree in meteorology or seismology.

"This big ol' snowstorm is God's reward for being good to hardworking Americans in the heart of America's Bible Belt," said Robertson. "For God so loved our goodness, He has given us a snow day."

In response to these observations, White House spokesman Robert Gibbs hung his head and sighed wearily.

Other reaction to the 80-year-old evangelist's pronouncement was mixed, with concentrations of contradiction and flurries of agreement.

Radio host Rush Limbaugh affirmed Robertson's statement and issued a suggestion that "the rest of the nation gather funds to send to the folks in the affected area, so they can throw a big snow day party."

Former vice-presidential candidate and Fox TV commentator Sarah Palin, however, took a different view.

"Could this here havoc-wreakin' storm be a White House attack on those good ol' pro-American parts of this great nation?" said Palin. "When you get thinkin' about it, what is snow? It's white is what it is. And which political party holds the White House for the time bein'? ...Just sayin', you betcha..."

1/27

County Mayor's Office to Hold Clearaself Clearance Sale

"Huge bargains while supplies last," says Ragsdale

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Knox County's Surgeon General gave Mayor Mike Ragsdale's legacy a clean bill of health, clearing his record of any criminal wrongdoing. As a result, the mayor's office is holding a clearance sale on Clearaself™, the product Ragsdale originally used to clear himself of wrongdoing regarding questionable P-card purchases in a notorious press conference in 2008.

"Yep, our condition cleared right up with Surgeon General Randy Nichols' probe," said Ragsdale. "It's amazing how a few really, uh, probing probes will make you start really paying attention to how you treat the complexion of your legacy, and you start trying to avoid developing any more ugly bumps or scars. And even though the Surgeon General's given me a clear bill of health, I just don't plan to be showing my face in public much anymore. So, although Clearaself is great stuff - it doesn't just cover up the problem; it makes it go completely away - we don't foresee any more scandals, and we have no more need for the stuff. So we're having a big sale. Ya'll spread the word."

According to a report issued Tuesday by Nichols, the unsightly outbreaks of what appeared to be eruptions of political oppression that could have permanently spotted Ragsdale's record were largely provided cover by generous applications of Clearaself Special Formula Fast-Acting First-Amendment Free-Speech Cream Cleanser®...

1/26

Commission to Curse Knox Countians With Total Recall?

Some commissioners call voters' selective amnesia "a survival mechanism"

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Knox County Commission is poised on the brink of giving citizens of Knox County the ability to remember every single act of every single elected official in the county - but the move comes after some commissioners argued that, "in Knox County, selective elective memory is a necessary survival mechanism."

The debate came about after groups of citizens tried to remove a school board member and the county law director from office, forgetting or regretting who elected them to office in the first place. In a move widely seen as punitive, some citizens have demanded that county officials grant Knox Countians total recall of all activity by all local politicians. Some commissioners expressed fear for what the move would mean for political careers, while others expressed concern for the undue toll such a measure might take on voters. The ensuing debate was lively.

"Do you know what total recall of all our actions and every word we've ever spoken would do to our ability to govern?" asked Commissioner Greg "Lumpy" Lambert. "It would invite chaos, it would destabilize Knox County the way that eartquake destabilized Haiti. I mean, the next time I run for elective office, imagine if somebody actually remembered that I compared the effect of a ballot measure in Knox County with the effect of a killer earthquake in Haiti. If people actually remembered what I say, I'd never be elected again."

"You say that like it's a bad thing," yelled a wag from the audience.

"The point is," continued Lambert, "this initiative might make commissioners ineffective to govern."

"And this would be different from now how?" observed Commissioner Mark Harmon...

1/23

Did SHE Slip Moore, Hutchison, Mickey Finns?

Known associates of "seductive siren of speculation" claim they can't remember, don't know her

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - A practitioner of the world's second-oldest profession - sales and marketing - may have used a knockout drug on prominent members of the Knox County community to make them forget their dealings with her. Among the list of her possible victims are ex-chair of the Knox County Commission, Scott "Scoobie" Moore, ex-county sheriff and current county mayor candidate, Tim Hutchison, and other members of the local business community.

Investigators say these individuals may have been unwittingly lured into the lair of the shadowy figure known only as "SHE" with the promise of lucrative business arrangements. SHE may have then slipped them a substance - possibly chloral hydrate, the original "Mickey Finn" - to knock them out and blur their memory of the proceedings. Apparently, SHE uses legitimate businesses, including an auto company, as lures for her more dubious activities.

As one victim who wished to remain anonymous put it, "I thought I was getting in on the ground floor of a great opportunity in a car dealership operation, you know? SHE certainly looked like a fast ride - a real hot chassis of a portfolio, if you know what I mean? - so I whipped out my checkbook to get a piece of that action. But SHE suggested a drink to seal the deal. That's all I remember. The next thing I know, I'm in some Tijuana fleabag with the mother of all headaches, a naked checking account and a pocketful of regret. I never saw her again..."

1/21

TVA Joins Celebrity Edition of 'The Biggest Loser'

Other contestants to include Democratic Party, NBC management, affordable health care, President Obama, Lane Kiffin

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Coming off fresh reports of the mounting cost of cleaning up after its Swan Pond coal-ash flood disaster, the Tennessee Valley Authority yesterday announced it was joining a celebrity edition of the popular TV show, "The Biggest Loser." Unlike the regular show, which features ordinary people teaming to lose weight, the celebrity edition will follow a different format, with the cast competing in areas where they have already demonstrated high proficiency in losing. Former UT Vols head football coach Lane Kiffin, for example, will be focusing on loss of credibility.

"I do feel it [losing my credibility] is one of my greatest strengths," said Kiffin, in a press conference where no live cameras or questions were allowed. "I feel I can lose credibility faster than any other sports figure that cares to go up against me. I am a competitor, and the area of losing credibility is one in which I believe I can be highly competitive."

TVA President and CEO Kilmore Trout said the agency would focus on losing money for the show.

"I believe losing money is one of our demonstrated core competencies," he said. "I challenge any other agency to hemorrhage money the way we do. Moreover, we plan to challenge Coach Kiffin in the credibility loss category, as well. I think our record in credibility loss over the past year stands against his or anybody's."

The NBC management team reportedly will compete with TVA in the "Biggest Money Loser" category on the strength of its late-night lineup fiasco.

Affordable health care in America said it would be competing in the "Biggest Lost Hope" category.

"I've lost all hope, hope of ever actually existing, except in the hearts and dreams of the American people, and I don't think even St. Jude, the patron saint of lost causes, can compete with me there," said the tearful impossible dream.

President Obama's hopes of competing in the lost hope category were crushed by the health care goal's announcement.

"Well, I was going to go with hope, but given affordable health care's entry into that category, I don't expect I'll have a chance, so I'll play it safe and settle for being the biggest loser in the category of change..."

1/18

Bredesen Proposes "Center of Remedial Accounting Excellence" for UTK

"With Knox County schools' bookkeeping problems, they're going to need it," says governor

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - In the wake of an audit revealing that most Knox County schools can't account for the hours in a day much less the money in their activity funds, Governor Bredesen has proposed that a "Center of Remedial Accounting Excellence" be created at the University of Tennessee's Knoxville campus.

"Given that a great many students who end up at UT come out of Knox-area schools, we have to be prepared to account for the fact that they've come out of a system that doesn't value accounting in their school activity funds," said Bredesen. "We should consider sending the Knox schools' bookkeepers through the center before the students get there to prevent future embarrassment for them. Sending some of our state legislators through it might not be a bad idea either."

School activity funds consist of money raised by students through fees, clubs, coupon books, picture sales and similar sources. The money is intended to be used for the benefit of the students, but many schools had problems recognizing this fact.

The auditing report found that out of 86 schools in the Knox County school system, 77 had not accounted for actually having students. The report characterized this oversight as "a problem area in terms of how the activity funds are being spent."

The audit by Rodefer Moss of Knoxville cited 11 other findings in need of improvement - mostly in the areas of the handling of money, the tracking of it, the spending of it, the accounting for how it was spent, and the keeping the hands off of it when nobody is looking.

Roger Underwood, supervisor of accounts payable and student activities funds for the school system, said he was troubled by the findings for the 2008-09 fiscal year because the previous year's audit found similar problems.

"I am troubled by the findings for the 2008-09 fiscal year's audit," Underwood said. "I'm troubled by two things. The first is that the audit done last year on the school activities funds listed quite a few problems, just like this year's did, including my own observation that I was troubled by the previous audit's findings of so many problems. It troubles me a bit that I communicated that I was troubled last year, and here it is this year, and here I am troubled by these findings. If you have troubles that are communicated to people, and the troubles aren't fixed by next year, then I think it is fair to say that you have troubles."

Underwood said the second thing that troubled him was that the funds were to be used to benefit the students.

"The second thing that troubled me was the funds were to be used to benefit the students," Underwood said. "Wait, I'm not troubled that the funds are supposed to be for the general benefit of the student body - I'm troubled that in many cases we weren't aware that the schools had students. In one case, the teachers had used those funds for a teacher party, and we weren't aware they had students for whom the funds were for. That is troubling."

Underwood said that also of concern was that neither he nor school administration officials could say which specific school used student funds for the teacher party, "which you'd think is something we'd be able to say since we have an audit telling us which school it was. That we can't tell which school it was even with the help of an audit is a concern."

A reporter then observed that it seemed like Underwood would also find not being able to tell which school held the teacher party troubling.

"You're right," acknowledged Underwood. "It is troubling."

Underwood then said that the fourth thing that troubled him was that he had said only two things troubled him, but he had gone on to list three troubling things, which then caused him to list as a fourth troubling thing having said the third troubling thing, and having said a fourth troubling thing, he'd be obligated to cite as a fifth troubling thing saying that he was troubled for having found three things troubling instead of his original two as a fourth troubling thing after initially having said he found two things troubling while finding three actual troubling things, the recognition of which was his fourth troubling thing, the acknowledgment of which was in turn his fifth troubling thing, and now as a sixth troubling thing he would have to list that he feared he had stumbled into a verbal infinitely repeating trouble loop and wasn't sure if he could get out of it...

"Snark Bites," 1/3-15/10

2010-02-14T10:48:00.000-08:00

1/15

Vols Frantically Search for New Mascot

Smokey's sudden departure leaves UT public relations in the lurch

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Shaken by Smokey IX's abrupt departure to start a hound dog stud farm in California, University of Tennessee icon officials were scrambling to keep nervous commitments focused and find a replacement for its absconded symbol. Previous mascot Pulpy, the Big Orange, who was cast off by UT like a bad cold, has already issued a statement declining interest in the job.

The statement read, in part, "While my blood does run deep orange, I'm happily ripening into old age, and have no interest whatsoever in returning as UT's mascot. If, however, a management position comes open where I'd take over for the person responsible for canning me, that would get my juices flowing."

Smokey IX, tragically, fell victim to his own hype. Believing he was god's gift to publicity hounds everywhere, he abruptly left for Hollywood on Wednesday to run a stud farm for hound dogs with himself, apparently, as sole stud.

Smokey's terse press conference announcing his departure, ran, in whole, "I'm Smokey, dammit! Idol o' millions! I don't need no stinkin' U of T! I'm mascot to th' stars! Awright, I'm done! Turn th' mike off! Hey! Why's this thing still on? Off, I said! Off, dammit, off! You! Sound guy! Yer fired!" ...

1/13

Little Lane Kiffin Takes Buds, Goes Home

Wayward child was "unmanageable," says adoptive UT family

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - In a move that surprised no one but his guardians, talented but unruly adopted child Lane Kiffin fled the loving but stern embrace of conservative East Tennessee for the wild and woolly, wide-open spaces of the West. Sources close to the family say it was only a matter of time before the rocky Rocky Top relationship fell apart.

"Lane was one of those kids, you know," said one family insider who wished to remain anonymous. "Father Mike really doted on him, called him his 'fair-haired boy,' and all that. But Lane wouldn't toe the line. He was always a wild child, always running off at the mouth and getting called on the carpet by officials at school - at a lot of schools, actually. He never understood that there was a certain decorum you were supposed to observe, that there was a certain Tennessee way of doing things. He had tried to warm this cold Tennessee Orange with all the power of his California sunshine, but this fruit's been on the vine a couple hundred years now. It wasn't going to ripen just for him, you know? And he chafed under these restrictions he didn't understand. So his splitting just seemed inevitable."

Lane was last seen in the back of a Caddy disappearing into the sunset, hanging with his bestest buds, Monte and Ed. Rumors of a single parting statement, "Hasta la vista, baaaay-bee," remain unconfirmed...

1/12

Knox Officials Proud of County Waste Production

"We'll stack our waste against anybody's," says mayoral spokesperson

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Some county officials insist Knox County is "Waste Capital of the World," but Knox County Commissioner "Our" Larry Smith said Monday he plans to introduce a resolution authorizing an audit of the Waste Production Department. Smith claims that the department has a much lower waste output than it should for a county as rife with duplication and incompetence as Knox County is.

"Given our governmental track record, I'd think we'd be producing more waste per capita than any other comparably sized county in the country, but I have evidence to suggest that's not the case," said Smith. "Just the hours frittered away by us commissioners talking in circles and beating dead horses in our meetings and the documentation required for those activities ought to net our waste production some kind of 'Wastrels of the Year' award, but we never get one. So if we're not producing the waste we should be, or if someone is stealing our waste, let's correct the problems and have a Waste Production Department we can be proud of."

Smith said Brad Majors, who runs the Rocky Holler Mixture Growth Mulch Shop, alleges that Tom Salter, head of the Waste Production Department, hasn't been nearly as wasteful as he could be.

"I've actually observed him recycling," said Majors. "And I've seen waste production employees take things out of the garbage and re-use them - they're actually stealing the waste from the waste department. It's shocking. And contrary to their department's purpose..."

1/9

Haslam Bags Cartoon Duck after Hunting License Mix-Up

Gubernatorial hopeful captures iconoclastic comics character in online "Duck Hunt"

From APB reports. NASHVILLE - Bill Haslam, Knoxville mayor and Republican gubernatorial candidate, apparently violated state law during what he thought was a recent West Tennessee duck hunting trip, but was actually a foray into the popular online version of the 1980s Nintendo game "Duck Hunt." During the game, Haslam and his hunting partners somehow bagged the irascible Marvel comics character Howard the Duck, but will face no penalty because it was unclear how the hard-drinking, cigar-smoking fowl got into their line of fire in the first place.

A spokesperson for the feathered star of the eponymous 1986 box-office bomb, Howard the Duck, said the water bird was resting comfortably after his ordeal and would soon be on the mend.

"Howard doesn't ruffle easily," said his assistant, a Ms. Switzler, in a telephone interview from the fowl's residence. "Besides, he's just a cartoon."

In the background, a voice that might have belonged to the avian everyman could be heard threatening to use his "quack-fu moves to kick the keisters" of his assailants once he recovered from his ordeal.

Switzler said it was unclear how her boss had waddled into the online "Duck Hunt" game, but noted that "Howard is known for going where he shouldn't."

A check with representatives of other beloved cartoon ducks, including Daffy, Donald, Daisy, Huey, Dewey, Louie, Scrooge and other members of the extended Duck clan found them all safe at home, unroasted and on no one's dinner menu...

1/7

Group Wants Pre-Election ID of Recall-Likely Officials

"It would simplify the process if they would let us know ahead of time that they were going to screw over the voters," says spokesperson

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - At a Knox County Commission public hearing yesterday, a group argued that officials likely to need recalling by voters should be required to identify themselves as such before an election. However, some commissioners argued that voters have a constitutional right to be duped into electing unconscionable wankers.

Diana Prince, chair of the local chapter of the Suffrage League of America (SLA), a group comprised of almost 8 extraordinarily devout suffragists dedicated to voting in the booth, suffrage, and the majority sway, noted that if candidates were required to declare whether they were likely to do things that would cause the need for recall, matters would be simplified for voters. Prince gave as an example Scott "Scoobie" Moore, who recently picked up a petition to run again for the 7th District commission seat.

"As the architect of 2007's Black Wednesday, when term-limited commissioners pre-arranged their replacements and which has been such a black eye to commission, Moore has shown himself recall-worthy," explained Prince. "But then, having been resoundingly defeated in his 2008 bid for the county clerk's office, losing even his own precinct, then subsequently being kicked off commission for perjury, then proclaiming he wouldn't run for office again, and finally flip-flopping on that promise, ex-Commissioner Moore has amply fulfilled our request of notification of his recall-likelihood, should his re-election bid succeed. Indeed, ex-Commissioner Moore could be a poster boy for the sort of notice we'd like to see voters get in these situations. He couldn't more plainly say 'I'm recall-likely' if he tattooed it to his trademark smirk."

Commissioner Colonel Doctor Richard M. Briggs, M.D., supported Prince's contention.

"We need to make it easier for citizens to know when they are going to have to recall officials," Briggs said. "That is why I am proposing my 'Reasonable Man' recall standard. To meet the standard, candidates for Knox County offices would have to submit to questions that would tell a reasonable man whether he might reasonably expect to have reason to recall that candidate, if elected..."

1/5
Authorities Question Car Involved in UT Athletes' Arrest Did vehicle disclose it had drugs, guns?

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Authorities today questioned the 2010 Dodge Charger involved in the arrest of 4 UT basketball players, asking whether it had told the players it was carrying marijuana and handguns, and if so, when it had revealed these facts.

"At this point, we're unsure whether the players were fully informed by the vehicle that it was unlawfully in possession of guns and drugs," said University of Tennessee Athletic Director Mike Hamilton. "So, we will, of course, do everything possible to give them the benefit of the doubt as we proceed with our thorough, careful, deliberate and supremely fair investigation."

Knoxville Police Department Spokesperson Darrell DeBusk explained that, because authorities were uncertain whether the car model in this case was one of the new generation of so-called "Smart Cars," they thought it best to try questioning the vehicle.

"Even if it isn't one of those Smart Cars, we figured it couldn't hurt to question the Charger," DeBusk explained. "Heck, even when they're not a 'Smart Car,' modern vehicles are smart enough to tell you your seat belt's not fastened and your headlights aren't on, maybe even that your fly's undone. So we figured it was possible that it had informed the players what it was in possession of."

DeBusk said the interrogation had proven unsuccessful thus far.

"So far, whenever we try to get it to open up, all we get from it is that little 'ping, ping, ping' noise followed by 'Intruder! Intruder! Please step away from the vehicle!' Intruder! Intruder!' We're not sure if it's playing dumb or really doesn't understand us."

The Charger is being held on charges of possession of illegal substances, intent to go armed, and several outstanding parking tickets...

"Snark Bites" for 12/10/09-01/02/10

2010-01-02T12:01:00.000-08:00

1/02/10

Forecast: Continued Cold and Callous

Harsh indifference to community challenges expected to linger in Knox County through 2010

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - The forecast for 2010 continues the trend of 2009, with Knox County expecting to experience widespread disregard for the serious challenges it faces in the coming year. In a recent survey on current events, when asked what issue was most pressing for the Knox area in 2010, almost 7 out of 10 respondents said, "addressing concerns related to issues surrounding illegal activities in the University of Tennessee Athletics Program."

As one reader put it, "With latest athlete arrests for guns and drugs, I think renaming Smokey, the Vols mascot, to reflect the lawlessness of the UT Athletics Program should be our top priority. If we were Georgia, this would be easy - We could change Uga to Thuga. But what can Smokey become? SmokeU? Smokesum?"

Other readers put as the area's top issues "making sure the UT men's basketball program's arrest record is on par with the football program's arrest record" and "needing to thoroughly and completely expose UT's Hostess Twinkie program."

The recent media feeding frenzy surrounding issues with UT's athletics merely underscores the indifferent climate that real community issues face locally. The other 3 respondents in the survey didn't name any actual local concerns in their most pressing issues for Knox County. One listed as his top priority, "using Rush Limbaugh's successful treatment for fright from chest pains to prove that America has the best medical system in the world and showing that anyone who doesn't agree is a communist and should move to one of those communist countries like France plus showing that America is already doomed by its embrace of sin and socialism."

Another said that Knox County's main concern in 2010 "needs to be getting more guns in bars - More guns in more bars in more locations would pretty much solve all our problems, wouldn't it?"

The final respondent said what Knox County needed in 2010 was "more light-hearted entertainment. All the mistresses of Tiger Woods, David Letterman and South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford need to pool their talents together, come up with a traveling road show and come play the Tennessee Theater. Maybe they could come for that Big Ears Festival in March - although in that case people would probably call it something besides 'Big Ears.' I kind of favor 'Madrigals Mistresses Tour' myself."

Although just one half of one percent of the survey respondents listed any local issues at all in their top concerns for 2010, the forecast is not completely bleak. Widely scattered patches of light voter turnout are expected for the area political races in the fall, with an 85 percent chance of the Knox County mayor's election being decided in May's Republican primary. A few experts call for a 1 percent chance of a Democrat winning the county mayor's office, while most say the local Democratic party doesn't show up on their radar screens at all...

12/31

Knox County New Year's Irresolution

Citing "uncertainties inherent in decisive resolve," County Commission postpones action on New Year's tradition

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - In a surprise outcome for a special called session, Knox County Commission today postponed action on any New Year's resolutions until such time as it becomes clear which resolutions would be most likely to be kept. Commission made the move at the behest of Mayor Ragsdale's office. The result was a far cry from commission's original purpose for the meeting, which was called precisely so commissioners could arrive at a single resolution all could agree to. The debate on the issue actually began with a proposed resolution aimed at the mayor's office.

"We could resolve not to put up with anymore of Mayor Ragsdale's guff and double-talk," suggested Commissioner Paul Pinkston at the beginning of the proceedings.

"No, we do that every year anyway, and we never keep it," replied Commissioner Sam McKenzie.

"Couldn't we at least resolve to do something to annoy 'im?" pleaded Pinkston.

"Say, maybe instead of making a new resolution, we could just identify an old one we kept, reissue that and be done with it," proposed Commissioner Michele Carringer.

"I like it, but since we can't do it in secret, somebody'd report it, and then the people would be mad at us again," sighed Commissioner Ivan Harmon...

12/30

Actual Voters Found on Voter Rolls

Election Commission believes some may even have voted in local elections

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - The Knox County Election Commission has discovered almost 24 voters on the official voter rolls after learning they had either voted or registered to vote elsewhere some time in the last 50 years, officials said Tuesday.

Of that number, it is believed only 12 have actually cast ballots in location elections since 1984. It's not believed that enough voted in any one race for anybody to actually notice that someone had voted in that contest, according to Knox County Administrator of Elections Greg Mackay.

"We do try to record it if someone votes in a race, but it's so rare, it's no wonder that sometimes it goes unnoticed," said Mackay.

The discovery came after the Tennessee Census Department sent county election officials a list of citizens' Social Security numbers who had "historically shown a possible pattern of civic involvement sufficient to cause suspicion that they might be voters," Mackay said...

12/28

Consumers Try to Return 2009

"'Hope and change' was all smoke and mirrors - We demand a different year," angry voters cry

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - For many, 2009 is ending as it began, as citizens disgruntled with the way the year had unfolded tried to exchange it for a better one.

Across the nation, crowds holding signs reading "Hope? Nope!" and "Exchange the Change!" while chanting "Hope and Change Equals More of the Same" were thronging shopping centers. Meanwhile, those who tried to turn in the year at refund and exchange counters encountered only frustration, as clerks refused to accept the used year.

Longtime Democrat Shirley Knotts of French Lick, Indiana, who, despite voting for President Obama in 2008, came to her local CVS Pharmacy in hopes of returning 2009 for a refund.

"This here 2009 prescription for 'hope and change' was smoke and mirrors - it didn't fix a thing for me," explained Knotts. So I came in to exchange this old year for a less-expensive fix and use whatever change was left over to maybe buy myself a nice little week without worries, if you follow? But no, they won't even refund my money, they won't exchange it, they won't do nothing. So I'm stuck with this here used year that wasn't at all what I expected and didn't do nothing to change my circumstances for the better. I feel gypped."

In Muleshoe, Texas, Pete Stilwip was among the members of the group Angry About Incompetence, Incumbents, Excess and Everything!! (AAiiEE!!) protesting 2009's lousiness in the Alco Discount Store parking lot.

"It started with government take-overs and taxing and spending and mortgaging our future and our children's and our children's children's and our children's children's children's future and it's ending the same," said Stilwip. "It's on to the seventh generation now. We're sick of the greed and the graft. We know it didn't start under Obama, but when he got up there and got in charge of it, I reckon that's when it caught our attention..."

12/26

After-Christmas Bargain-Hunters Find Savings on Depression, Regret

Thrifty shoppers seeking deals on excess, conspicuous consumption and keeping up with the joneses fare well too

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Shoppers looking to fill that familiar hollow feeling left by the holidays' departure were finding considerable deals on depression and regret nationwide, a spokesperson for the retail angst advocacy group, Consumers Remorse, said Saturday. Locally, sales were reportedly brisk at Dolorous General Store, Big Dismay Mart, Sad, Sloth & Despond and Oys! 'R' Us.

"Yes, for Christmas, Santa only brought me the blues," explained 48-year-old Siddhartha Suttree, a Fourth & Gill resident and pre-dawn shopper at Dolorous General. "I felt like I needed some dismay to go with my emptiness and despair. So I ended up here, figuring I could get a good deal on next season's gloom, but I'm so melancholy, I suppose I'll pay whatever they ask."

Felicity Ebullians, Dolorous's Special Liaison for Customer Appreciation, Satisfaction & Contentment, said Sutree had come to the right place for deals on doldrums.

"For bargains on post-holiday blues, we have some fantastic savings," she said. "For example, this year we're offering a year-end closeout on despondency. Plus, we have significant mark-downs on buyer's remorse, two-for-one deals on partier's regret and a clearance sale on all dieter's guilt."

At Sad, Sloth & Despond, Harmon Hillari, manager of customer courtesy & felicitations, doorbusters, said customers seeking grief and woe were leaving his store well satisfied...

12/24

Tennesseans Can't Afford Health, Says State Lawmaker

"...And government health care programs make me sick!" proclaims Ramsay

From APB reports. NASHVILLE - Republican state Senate speaker and gubernatorial candidate Ron Ramsey insists Tennesseans can't afford to be healthy and wants to prevent "unhealthy" government interference in citizens' constitutional right to be as sick as they want to be.

In a press conference on Tuesday, Ramsey said that he considers himself a champion of constitutionally protected unhealthiness and will look for any excuse to defend Tennesseans from government-mandated health care.

"There are lots of issues with health care in general, but government-mandated health care will make you sick to your stomach," said Ramsey of Blountville. "Tennessee is one of the most unhealthy states in the union, and we understand we can't afford to offer health care to the least among us, just willy-nilly, because if we start helping prevent ill-health among the poor, they'll just always expect us to do it. We need to protect our right to ill-health, so we want to find some way we can opt out of the federal health care legislation."

Speaker Ramsey, who also carries the titles of Grand Pasha of Preventing Raised Expectations Among the Poor; Supreme Potentate of Preventing Ethics Among State Legislators; Knight of the Most Excellent Order of State's Rightists, Defender of State Gun Rights, Sub-Order of the Crossed Smoking AK-47s, Second Class, Citation for Gallantry in the Cause (Chevrons with Ammo Clips, sans Safety Catch); Imperial Poobah of Out-Conservative-ing Everyone to the Left of Zach Wamp; and Lieutenant Governor, said he is making the request both in his current roles and in any future capacities he may hold...

12/22

Feds May Mandate More Ash Spills to Stimulate Economy

"Look at the booming business in Roane County," says federal official

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - With a new year dawning and the federal government still seeking ways to spend its way to prosperity, the U.S. Economic Prodding Agency will announce the first-ever federal standards for the storage of coal ash that may include mandated ash spills to provide economic opportunities for cleanup companies.

Although the federal government declined to pitch in funds for the Kingston coal-ash cleanup that occurred last year, Mazumah Hanover-Fyste, director of the federal program, Bailin' Our Way, Theoretically Anyway, Out of Unemployment & Recession, Mindful Always of Serious Taxation & Electoral Realities & Setbacks (BOWTAOURMASTERS), said if enough ash spills occurred for ash-spill cleanup to become an industry, it might then be deemed worthy of a bailout.

"What you have to understand is that we only give bailouts to entities too big to fail that failed," explained Hanover-Fyste. "If coal-ash cleanups grow to that standard, we'd gladly look into mortgaging another generation to pay for those costs today. That's why we think mandating coal-ash spills could be just the new opportunity required to jumpstart this economy."

As evidence for the positive economic impact coal-ash cleanups could provide, Hanover-Fyste pointed to Roane County Executive Mike Farmer's statement that the county had a "mini-economic boom" right after the Kingston spill, as local contractors got involved with TVA in the cleanup.

"Mini-economic boom,' that's the operative term," said Hanover-Fyste. "If a coal-ash spill could provide a mini-economic boost to this county, think what kind of boost a thousand coal-ash spills across the country could give to the national economy..."

12/19

Ash Spill Prompts TVA to Erect Data Dams

"We have to prevent the public from being inundated with information," says CEO

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - The Kingston coal fly ash spill weighed heavily in the decision to raise the elevation of its public relations barriers to meet the threat of a catastrophic, and highly likely, flood of requests for information, TVA President and CEO Kilmore Trout acknowledged Friday.

The likelihood of a disaster actually happening that would cause the magnitude of open-record requests that TVA projected in a computer model is remote. But TVA is determined to be prepared to shut down all information leaks in the event of a so-called "perfect storm" public-relations event, Trout told reporters during a news conference at TVA headquarters in Knoxville.

Prior to Dec. 22, 2008, the possibility seemed remote that TVA would be forced to work overtime to deflect unpleasant questions and massage messages about why a holding pond at the Kingston Fossil Plant collapsed and released 5.4 million cubic yards of coal fly ash into the Emory River and across 300 acres of Roane County landscape...

12/18

KUB Hires TVA as Tree-Gutting Consultant

TVA looking to expand core incompetencies, says TVA CEO Kilmore Trout

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Facing an angry backlash from a public upset by its tree-mangling practices, KUB is bringing in an expert with unhappy customers to advise it: The Tennessee Valley Authority.

"TVA is already facing significant unpopularity for all of their missteps in the previous year with their coal-ash spill, their attempts to downplay the severity of the release and so forth. So having them guide us on our tree-gutting program seems an extremely logical path forward," said Susan B. Anthony, the utility's vice president of scrupulously responsible environmental stewardship, achingly sincere communications and unwaveringly harmonious community relations. Her statements came after the utility company's Board of Commissioners unanimously adopted a resolution to establish a Rootin'-Tootin' Root-'n'-Branch Tree-Guttin' Policy Panel.

"We'd like to get started quickly," said Anthony. "It's critical that we have someone to divert blame to," she added, noting that KUB would like tree experts, neighborhood associations and environmental groups, among others, to take their complaints directly to TVA when they are displeased with their tree-gutting service...

12/15

Commission to Cut Babies in Half

Compromise measure will allow commissioners to split infants

Editor's note: this story replaces a story entitled, "Commissioners Whiff on Questioning Ragsdale Over Kosovo Trip"

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - In a startling diversion from its original topic, after indulging in lengthy deliberations over Knox County's recall provision, Knox County Commission yesterday voted itself the authority to cut infants in half to reach compromises. The motion passed on a 15-4 vote after spirited debate that included dire predictions of electoral Armageddon if babies weren't cut in half.

The surprising developments came after commission apparently lost itself in the discussion of its original motion, lowering the threshold of signatures needed to trigger a recall election. That subject was brought by Commissioner Richard Briggs, who initially wanted to make it easier to recall officeholders by lowering the threshold from 15 percent of registered voters to at least 3 or 4 of the 6 or 7 voters who cast ballots in the election in question...

12/12

Knox County Defends 'Hostess Twinkie' Program

That Giant Swooshing Sound You Hear...

"Snark Bites" 12/06-12/09

2009-12-13T10:08:00.000-08:00

12/12

Knox County Defends 'Hostess Twinkie' Program

Charges of being fattening, addictive unfair say officials

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Knox County's use of Hostess Twinkies® to lure businesses to the area has come under fire as being "unfair competition" as well as being unhealthy and potentially addictive, according to critics of the practice. Knox County officials insist, however, that the snack cake program violates no business regulations, and, taken in moderation, the confections represent no more of a health threat than any other calorie-laden, sugary dessert. They also deny assertions that the snack food program's inventory has been seriously depleted by county employees who return from breaks with severe attacks of the munchies.

The Hostess Twinkie program came under fire after photographs surfaced of what appeared to be two Knox County Hostess Twinkies standing outside the Kosovo Minister of Economic Development's window holding up signs reading "Једу ми." (Roughly translated, the phrase means, "Your taste buds will be pleasantly stimulated by our delicious cream filling!") Knox County Commissioner Paul Pinkston said the photographs were clear evidence that the business recruiting practices of Knox County Mayor Mike Ragsdale's administration are unethical.

"You don't flaunt your succulent, sweet-smelling form and say "Једу ми" to Eastern European officials without realizing what kind of effect you're going to have - that they are going to be slavering after you like Pavlov's dogs," said Pinkston. "Many of these people have never tasted junk food before. It's completely unfair to them. It's like giving candy to a baby."

But Ragsdale said that "the proof was in the pudding" that the Twinkie program wasn't unethical.

"So far, our attempts to attract Kosovian businesses to Knox County with the Twinkie program have failed miserably," explained Ragsdale. "Trust me, it's no piece of cake to make this program succeed. In fact, we have more than failed to attract businesses: The Twinkies have driven Knox County businesses to Kosovo. How could a program that doesn't work be 'unfair competition'?"

Pinkston countered that the "Twinkie defense" wasn't good enough and Ragsdale needed to bring his Twinkies before commission and demonstrate that the Twinkies were not mouth-watering enough to lure prospective businesses here.

"I think he needs to come down to commission and let us sample these little dainties ourselves," Pinkston said. "I just think he needs to come forward and not only let the commissioners taste the goodies but also let the people of Knox County have a bite too. That's the only way we can be sure these here Little Debbies don't have any performance-enhancing additives that make 'em impossible to resist."

Other commissioners indicated they, too, wanted to try the Hostess Twinkies and supported the idea of quizzing Ragsdale while eating his snack cakes...

12/10

That Giant Swooshing Sound You Hear...

...is the fabled "winds of same" blowing through the Tennessee Valley

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Although some thought it caused by more promises of change from President Obama, the giant swooshing sound heard throughout the region yesterday was actually caused by locally produced "winds of same."

"Several converging upheavals in the local scene concentrated across a short time span spawned a maelstrom of much-a-do-do-about-nothing that caused a great disturbance in the farce, which in turn manifested itself as the much-ballyhooed 'Winds of Same,'" explained Senior Mediocrologist Sven Wicked. "All the keening and wailing of the people experiencing excruciating sameness probably contributed, too."

According to Wicked, developments that contributed to the winds of same outbreak included:

-- On the heels of a scathing report charging its coal ash spill last year released more heavy metals into the environment than Black Sabbath, Metallica, Linkin Park, and Iron Maiden combined, TVA has threatened to suspend local operations and move to Kosovo.

"What with lawsuits, federal scrutiny, recommendations of increased regulatory oversight, people's seeming inability to get past an incident that happened one whole year ago, and just the whole general sense of bitchiness we get these days, the local utility business has lost its vitality and taken the joy and bonuses out of power generation," explained TVA President & CEO Kilmore Trout. "So if people don't get off our backs, we're taking our facilities and going where they don't boggle over trifling details like environmental disasters and human health threats - where people, in fact, enjoy a little heavy metal tang in their water, where they walk thousands of miles just to sample the drinking water and say, "Wow, that's some delicious heavy metals right there."

If TVA departs for Kosovo because of adverse local conditions, it would be the second local company to do so in recent months. The utility giant would follow local electric contractor, Atlas, Inc., which recently released a statement saying it was "looking for greener pastures, which is to say, cash, to pay its mounting debts, in the Balkans."

In a related gust of the winds of same ol', same ol', Knox County Commissioner Paul Pinkston, as usual, wants Knox County Mayor Mike Ragsdale's role in Atlas's Kosovo move probed.

"I want to get him before us and make him answer questions," explained Pinkston. "And if he won't respond to grilling, then I want to sub-panini him - 'cause sub-paninis just come natural after a grillin'..."

12/08

What Will Be the Top Snark Bites of 2010?

"Whatever you predict, we'll top it," vow county officials

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - 2010 is almost upon us, so once again it's time to project what the most snark bitable stories of the coming year will be. Possibilities are listed below, but feel free to add your own predictions in the comments section. Just remember, no matter how far-out your guess, this is Knox County. And in 2010, "it goes to 11."

Swine Flu Virus Asks for Bailout from U.S. Government
"We're falling far short of our projected infection rates," say dejected microbes; Obama administration mulls request

Facing Severe Funding Shortfall, UT to Begin Renting Out Students as Paperweights, Doorstops
"And our faculty will make excellent coat racks, footstools or other household items," says administration desperate for cash

Homeless to Be Allowed in West Knox
Under new plan, up to four homeless individuals at a time will be allowed to beg at West Knox Interstate off-ramps

Kiffin in Negotiations for Eric Berry to Return for Senior Season
Renaming team 'Volberries" part of deal to lure back star safety

Source of Faked Climate Data Traced to Polar Bears
"We're not really facing extinction - we just wanted to generate enough pity to migrate somewhere warmer," says Ursus maritimus representative

Knox County 'Nayor'
Mayoral hopeful Tim Burchett insists he will "just say nay" to raising taxes

Kiffin in Negotiations to Bring Tim Tebow to UT for Unprecedented 2nd Senior Year and 2nd Heisman Trophy
Kiffin promises to call the "Running through the T" the "Running for the Tebow" if star QB signs; tearful former University of Florida star Insists he's retiring from college football

Tea Partiers to Host 'Tea Coziers'
Seeking to broaden appeal, "kinder, gentler" tea partiers begin offering wide selection of herbal teas, crumpets and scones to project sophisticated image at introductory "beginner aginner" rallies

Knox County 'Mayber'
Mayoral hopeful Tim Hutchison insists he will "just say maybe" to raising taxes

Former County Mayor's Aide Cynthia Finch Makes Deal, Won't Face Jail Time
"A bird in the hand is worth knowing where in the bushes all the bodies are buried," explains prosecutor

Polar Bears Lie, Global Warming Real, Says Source
Tearful tree rings explain discrepancies in data as part of shameful "binge and purge" lifestyle

Melee During 'Running of the Tims' Event Injures Thousands
Knox County citizens' dreams of low taxes crushed at latest event; candidates not named Tim stampeded out of race

Knox County Law Director to Be Subject of Cautionary Dr. Seuss Pastiche
The story, written after the style of the late Theodor Geisel ("Dr. Seuss"), is to be titled, "If Your Lockett Springs Its Sprocket, Don't Fling It at the Faucet, Just Bring It to the Docket. If You Keep It in Your Pocket for a Fleeting Chance to Hock It for a Ringlet for Your Rockette...

"Snark Bites" 11/29-12/05/09

2009-12-06T12:56:00.000-08:00

12/5

Ragsdale's 'Kosovo' Jingle Luring Businesses from Knox

"Giant sucking sound" is county mayor siphoning Knox citizens to Balkans

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Four months ago, Knox County Mayor Mike Ragsdale returned from a trip to Eastern Europe humming "Kosovo," a song he claimed he himself wrote (rumors to the contrary notwithstanding). Based on the Beach Boys' 1988 #1 hit, "Kokomo," at the time, the ditty seemed an innocuous paean to a pleasant tour of the Balkan area. However, subsequent events suggest a more subversive purpose: Marketing Kosovo to local businesses to lure them away from Knox County.

When Ragsdale returned from Kosovo, he claimed he was exploring a program of swapping Knox Countians for Kosovars. In August, the mayor explained the proposed exchange program by saying that Kosovars were "warm, good-hearted folk." He contrasted Knox Countians as "ungrateful and always ready to jump on every picayune $39,000 in questionable P-card charges you have, every little hidden hospitality slush fund, every slightly less-than-accurate accounting procedure, every tiny bit of laxness in community grants oversight," and other characterizations.

Now, however, with the relocation of local contractor Atlas Electric Co. to Kosovo, it appears there is no exchange forthcoming, only a one-way funnel to the land of flija, mućkalica and veal kabobs. And Ragsdale's tune appears to be a major reason for the move.

When asked why he was moving his company to Kosovo, Harry Sherrod, president of Atlas, shrugged.

"Mayor Ragsdale's song, 'Kosovo,' just made Eastern Europe sound so mysterious and alluring, all about kielbasas, goulashes and walks by the Danube on moonlit nights," explained Sherrod. "It was simply irresistible."

The song, harmless enough at first blush, runs as follows:

Mamusha, Pristina, ooo, I'm torn between ya,
My babushka, ch-tchotchke, oh, I really gotcha
Kielbasa, goulash-a, baby, I'm-a boss ya

Off the Adriatic Sea
There's a place called Kosovo
That's where you wanna go to get away from it all

Job didn't go as planned
Myopical finks trying to get me canned.
They'll be getting a shove
To the nation of tamboura bands
Down in Kosovo

Croatia, Albania, ooo I wanna take ya
Baklava, kabobas, that's what's waiting on ya
Sarajevo, Montenegro, baby, why don't they go

Ooo I wanna send 'em down to Kosovo
They'll get there fast
And then I'll take it slow
That's where they're gonna go
Way down to Kosovo

In ancient Greek, we'll try to learn to speak

Not near the sea
But we'll perfect our spinistry
By and by we'll defy a little bit of sanity

Taking in the sights
Blue Danube on moonlit nights
That scheming look in their eyes
Gives me an economical contract high
Way down in Kosovo

Mamusha, Pristina, ooo, I'm torn between ya,
My babushka, ch-tchotchke, oh, I really gotcha
Kielbasa, goulash-a, baby, I'm-a boss ya

Ooo I wanna send 'em down to Kosovo
They'll get there fast
And then I'll take it slow
That's where they're gonna go
Way down to Kosovo

Torts in Linz, I wanna make some cents

Everybody knows
A little place like Kosovo
Now if you wanna go
And get away from it all
Go down to Kosovo

Croatia, Albania, ooo I wanna take ya
Baklava, kabobas, that's what's waiting on ya
Sarajevo, Montenegro, baby, why don't they go

Ooo I wanna send 'em down to Kosovo
They'll get there fast
And then I'll take it slow
That's where they're gonna go
Way down to Kosovo

Yet, even a superficial examination of the lyrics reveals...

12/03

Henley to Become 'Bridge to Nowhere' (Part I)

You can't get there from here on "nowhere bridge"

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - The City of Knoxville will hold a public meeting at a time to be determined at a location yet to be revealed to discuss the closing of the Henley Bridge at some undefined point in the future.

The City's chief traffic engineer will present a project overview and recommendations on how travelers to and from South Knoxville deal with any "minor inconveniences" arising from closing for 3 years the main traffic artery to south Knox County. Officials of the Transferring of Dinero to the Order of Thoroughfare Constructors (TDOTC) group also will be on hand to obfuscate questions.

Rod Hodster, chief traffic engineer for the City of Knoxville, will provide the project overview as well as his recommendations for not getting there from here anymore. Among his recommendations is a proposal that "the area of South Knox severe all ties with the rest of Knoxville proper, declare itself an independent territory and threaten to protect itself by force from any encroachments on its sovereignty, examples of which include finger annexations and so-called representation on Knox County Commission."

The Henley Bridge carried an average 38,813 vehicles per day in 2008 over Fort Loudoun Lake, according to the city. Traffic will be diverted to the areas like Far Rockaway and Timbuktu, but most traffic will just turn around and go back where it came from rather than risk not getting there from here.

Representatives of nine South Knoxville neighborhood groups requested the meeting primarily to make a few perfunctory requests that TDOTC representatives explained are impossible to meet. The neighborhood groups then sighed in resignation as TDOTC revealed its plans for not getting there from here during the 3 years the bridge is closed.

As Travers Brickwall, TDOTC regional spokesperson, put it, "We build things that get people from place A to place B, and people from place B to place A, but people at place C - which is where the thing between places A and B will be built - aren't our concern, nor is how 'A' and 'B' people get there from here while we're building the thing."

One neighborhood spokesperson said, "We know the bridge must be closed, but our streets are just neighborhood streets. They're not designed to handle a lot of traffic. We want to give you some input about that."

"And thank you so much for the input," said Brickwall. "We'll get back to you. Buh-bye..."

Henley to Become 'Bridge to Nowhere' (Part II)

You can't get there from here on "nowhere bridge"

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - In Part I of this two-part exposé, Travers Brickwall, regional spokesperson for the Transferring of Dinero to the Order of Thoroughfare Constructors (TDOTC) group, and Rod Hodster, chief traffic engineer for the City of Knoxville, were explaining the fate of Henley Bridge to representatives of South Knox neighborhoods. For 3 years, Henley was to be a bridge to nowhere, meaning that people of South Knox could not get there from here and those of the North could not get here from there. Brickwall had addressed all of the neighborhood reps' requests and questions, explaining, "No."

Hodster then said that, based on his experience, people south of the bridge should prepare to be somewhere other than here for the duration of the repairs.

"I have had some experience with these sorts of projects, and I've heard your murmuring complaints," he said. "I've been there. And you can't there from here. It's all part of life's rich pageant."

When asked if he were quoting R.E.M. lyrics by way of explaining TDOTC's fabled reconstruction projects, Hodster dismissed the idea by looking at his watch a third time, saying, "Wait, even the suggestion's ridiculous. Going to a place that's far, so far away, and yes, that is enough. Going where nobody's way is known, they don't walk with anybody from back home. You'll wind up unsatisfactory, yet full of stealth and nowhere left but back, stalk along twisty roads, circle around behind yourself. I know it might sound strange, but I believe you'll be circling back before too long. Don't go back to Knoxville! Don't go back to Knoxville! Don't go back to Knoxville! ...You can't get there from here..."

12/01

KPD, KSCO Issue Citations for Holiday Violations

Knoxville Poultry Division, Knox County Shopping Office cite 1,213 for holiday gaucherie

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - A special joint task force of the Knoxville Poultry Division and the Knox County Shopping Office reported issuing 1,213 citations for various violations of holiday etiquette over the long Thanksgiving weekend.

Senior Shopper Kim Klatch-Kargough was unhappy to report that violent altercations at shopping centers were down this Black Friday.

"It's not that we condone violence, but if retailers are going to jingle all the way to the bank, it's shoppers' patriotic duty to be out there fighting for bargains on Black Friday," explained Klatch-Kargough. "This year, we had some baby-boomer grandmas trying to relive their glory days by hoarding the 2009 edition of the Cabbage Patch Dolls™ and some Generation-Z dads trying to squirrel away all the Zhu Zhu Pets™ Hamsters, but that was about it. Everyone else pretty much behaved themselves and stuck to their shopping lists and went for practical items - and in a consumer-oriented economy, 'practical' is the kiss of death. This holiday season, consumers need to be out fighting tooth and claw for items they don't need for the good of capitalism."

Klatch-Kargough then delivered an impassioned plea for the preservation of conspicuous consumption.

"You consumers who are reading this interview instead of being out consuming, you should be ashamed of yourselves," he lectured. "Seriously. We are at the pinnacle of western culture, and if we're going to stay there, you have to buy things you don't need. In the name of all that's shoddy, to save civilization as we know it, go out and shop!"

However, shoppers seemed indifferent to Klatch-Kargough's inveigling.

"Isn't consumerist shopping - by which I mean shopping at big-box shopping centers like Wal-Mart - contributing to the death of western civilization, by driving out mom 'n' pop shops and concentrating wealth in the hands of a few corporations while simultaneously making us little people more dependent on them?" protested Fredo Peebles. "How is consumerism patriotic? I'm so confused."

"Yeah," agreed Zazu Watts. "Why would I worry about western civ? I got a C- in it. I just gotta get a new Dustbuster and get outta here."

"Let western civilization fall, what do I care?" declaimed Zelda Kvetchsherald. "What is it to me? As long as there is champagne and caviar and chocolate - and chocolate-flavored champagne - and champagne-flavored caviar - and caviar-flavored chocolate - I am content."

Although caviar-flavored chocolate seems gauche in the extreme, Chief Chef Sterling Silverware, the Fork, explained that most of the holiday gaucherie his department deals with is of a more mundane sort. He said his department is mainly concerned with keeping amateur cooks and their guests safe during the intense meal preparation hours from 5 p.m. Wednesday through the drowsy post-dinner period on Thanksgiving Day...

"Snark Bites" 11/22-28/09

2009-12-06T12:52:00.000-08:00

11/27

City Renews Unspecific, Inoffensive, Yet Semi-Christmasy Holiday Tradition

Theme of this year's nondenominational, nonjudgmental seasonal shindig: Commerce

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, TN - Once again, the festive yellow and orange lights of the tow trucks cast their heavenly glow against Gay Street's skyline as the Fete of the Towing of the Cars® launched the traditional Lighting of Generic White Lights in Cone Formations Festival®. The lights festival in turn kicks of the 31st annual Unspecific, Inoffensive, Yet Semi-Christmasy Holiday Celebration in the City®.

This year's nondenominational, nonjudgmental seasonal shindig's theme is "Commerce, and the Cartoon Christmas Characters Used to Drive It"™. Featured characters of this year's theme include Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer®, Frosty the Snowman®, and Charlie Brown, the Lovable Loser Who Learns the True Meaning of Christmas®. Previous celebration themes have included "White Lights/Black Friday," "Silver and Gold All Season Long," "Tax Recapture and Release," "Shamelessly Commercial Christmas Jingles" and "Secular Humanism."

The ceremony will be solemnly capped off with a display of red, white and blue fireworks as Rudolf, Frosty and Charlie Brown throw the switch lighting up a 38-inch tall deciduous shrubbery in Krutch Park. The decision to use a size-challenged shrub is part of an overall municipal effort to make the holidays more inclusive of diverse foliage amid concerns that different sizes and types of trees and other flora might feel slighted by the celebration's long-running focus on large evergreens.

Although the streets were packed with onlookers for the Fete of the Towing of the Cars, Michael Haynes, a long-time enthusiast of the event, said the celebration had lost some of its luster in recent years.

"They give the vehicleans too much warning these days," explained Haynes. "Used to be, the city'd put up 'Temporary no parking, 6 p.m.-9 p.m.' signs, then start the towing of the cars at 4:30 just for fun. The looks on the faces of the frantic shoppers running out of the stores: priceless. But now, they start towing when they say they will. Back when I was a lad, I bet the tow truck companies would capture two, three hundred vehicles. They've made it too sporting, too humane now. They've robbed the festival of all its surprise and joy."

Bill Lyons, the city's Senior Director of Communicatin' the Christmas Spirit, faced tough questions from the media over the controversial decision to include blue lights in the traditional Generic White Lights in Cone Formations Festival. The justification previously put forth for using only white lights in the event was that white light includes the entire spectrum, so all colors of light were equally represented by the white. Lyons was asked if there were a special significance to the inclusion of the blue lights.

"No," Lyons said. "There is no special significance to the blue."

But the press persisted.

"Was there pressure to have colors other than white represented in the lights this year?" asked the collected media representatives.

"We just thought we'd add a little color," said Lyons.

"Oh, come on. You have to have a reason. There must be a meaning behind it," insisted the media.

"No," said Lyons.

"Was it to show support for the Kentucky Wildcats in tomorrow's game against the Tennessee Vols?" asked the media.

"No," answered Lyons.

"Was it in tribute to Elvis's 'Blue Christmas'?" asked the media.

"You know what, I'm going to let Mickey Mallonee, the city's Coordinator of Rationalizing Arcane Special Events Decisions, take over here," said Lyons.

"Good grief, no, it's not a tribute to Elvis," said Mallonee.

"Is blue the traditional Christmas color of Poland or some other un-American country or something?" asked the media.

"The what of what," said Mallonee. "I don't kn- Look, we just have blue lights this year, all right?" ...

11/25

Potential Mayoral Candidate Cosby Faces Identity 'Clarification'

To be or not to be Republican: That is the question

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Potential Knox County mayoral candidate Lewis Cosby is undergoing a crisis of political faith and is seeking "clarification" of his political identity in the coming months, he announced today.

A former certified public accountant, sometime television station manager and full-time critic of County Mayor Mike Ragsdale's administration, Cosby picked up petitions to run for county mayor next year both as an Independent and as a Republican.

"I was taught to always be open-minded about political orientation," said Cosby, 59. "I'm keeping my options open. If I need to undergo an identity clarification procedure to transform myself into a viable political candidate, I think I have the flexibility for that. Just don't call me a Democrat - not that there's anything wrong with them."

Cosby has combed mayoral financial records for discrepancies in everything from purchasing card reports to the budget, and has offered to brush, wash, lather, rinse and repeat his criticism of the mayor's handling of his financial house.

"I want to make sure that, in me, the voters of Knox County have the best option for Knox County mayor," said Cosby, who is on the Knox County Ethics Committee. "This will be a pivotal year, and I want to make sure I am the right person there to fix the fulcrum, whichever way it sways. That's why I will gaze into the navel of my political positions to determine if I can maintain those positions and still be the candidate who wins the election. If not, those stances will change."

Cosby says it's important that voters know who is and what he stands for, which is why he is taking the time now to find out for himself.

"Yes, I want to clear myself, I mean, I want to be very clear on this myself," clarified Cosby. "Who am I? Am I Republican? Am I Independent? Am I some new hybrid that might appeal to a liberal, moderate and conservative viewpoint, to peaceniks, tea partiers and Palintologists alike? I don't know. That's what I'm going to find out..."

11/24

Knox County Government Facing Cancellation?

With cast members departing, can county government still entertain?

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Amidst a rash of announcements that several of its most popular characters will not be back for the 2010-2011 season, the long-running Knox County Government may face the prospect of dwindling viewership as citizens lose interest in its antics.

Media favorite Victoria DeFreese confirmed yesterday that she would not return to the role of "Knox County Commissioner Victoria DeFreese" next season, saying, "I intend to spend less time in the limelight and more time with my family - although I have deepest sympathy for the limelight's loss."

Meanwhile, contract negotiations with the Law-Director-Everybody-Loves-to-Hate, Bill Lockett, remain at an impasse, during which he has refused to leave his dressing room to take part in any of his assigned scenes. It appears likely that he will be phased out of the production over the course of the next two years, as understudy Joe Jarret transforms the role into the Law-Director-Everybody-Loves-to-Like.

Other fan favorites who have already left or announced their imminent departure include Mike Ragsdale, Mark Harmon, Thomas "Tank" Moore, Greg "Lumpy" Lambert and Scott "Scoobie" Moore. Moore was booted from the production after a series of highly publicized smirk-ups with current cast member "Our" Larry Smith.

Moore has continued to lobby unsuccessfully for reinstatement, publicly promising to be less smirkful, but it's believed Moore's emotive range runs only from smirk to pout. However, some talk has centered around spinning Moore off into a show of his own, The Smirks, in which he would play multiple roles, including Papa Smirk, Jokey Smirk, Grouchy Smirk and Smirkette.

South Knox County used car dealer Paul Pinkston, who plays "Knox County 9th District Commissioner Paul Pinkston" in the local government, is still weighing his return to the series. It's rumored that, in exchange for his return, Pinkston is demanding higher billing and his own special nickname - possibly "Peevish."

With the loss of so many distinctive characters, can Knox County government continue?

Bill Lyons, the City of Knoxville's Senior Government Drama Critic, thinks so.

"Governments, like TV series, can endure all kinds of casting changes," explained Lyons. "It's cyclical. People tend to forget that, not even 8 years ago, the hottest ticket in town for government controversy and political theater was Knoxville city government...

"Snark Bites" 11/15-21/09

2009-11-26T09:52:00.000-08:00

11/17

County Commission Votes Against Homelessness

Commissioners say vote reflects "shock and awe" at very notion of people being homeless

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Knox County Commission voted 15-4 Monday to kill homelessness in West Knox County after taking officials to task for allegedly fast-tracking the project to introduce the idea of "the homeless" to the West Knox area.

While most commissioners said they want someone to help homeless people and in theory support a Ten-Year Plan to Fund Chronic Homelessness, they would prefer someone do it somewhere else where they don't have to see it.

Additionally, they were incensed at having the concept of homelessness sprung on unsuspecting West Knox Countians in such a forward manner, in defiance of good manners and taste.

"What, homeless people?" gasped an astounded Commissioner Mike Hammond, whose 5th District includes the property. "You honestly expect us to believe there are homeless people in Knox County? Stop pulling my leg...Wait, you're serious? There are? Well, I'll be...Whoda thunkit?"

Commissioner Mark Harmon said, "Oh come on. West Knox Countians never conceived of the possibility that there might be homeless people here? That is so bogus."

"Nope, never," replied Hammond sympathetically. "I'm shocked, shocked, I say, at the very notion. 'Homelessness' never crossed our minds - it's inconceivable to us. At the very least, it's not been properly vetted. If you truly want us to ponder the idea of 'homelessness,' give our book club the novel. Then we'll have a roundtable discussion on it over coffee and donuts."

The proposal would have allowed the county to relocate as many as two dozen homeless individuals into West Knox County - albeit with close supervision.

Commissioner Colonel Doctor Richard M. Briggs, M.D., also of the 5th district, gently criticized the location, the potential price tag and the timing.

"This is not the right place, the right price, or the right time" he said, his face full of compassion for his constituents. "You can't just spring something like the idea that there are people without homes on a home-full community and not expect to have a little disbelief."

Asked what the right place, time, and price would be, Briggs generously replied, "Well, obviously, you can't say exactly where or when or how much is the right time to think about a concept like this. But, equally obvious, the right place is someplace other than here, the right price is something other than the cost to our psyches and the right time is a long, long ways from now."

Ten-Year Plan Director Jon Lawler countered that West Knox Countians would have to "deal with the concept sooner rather than later because the plan followed the wishes of both County Commission and Knoxville City Council. They told us to spread the reality of homelessness throughout the community instead of concentrating the concept 'in the psyche of those at the urban core.'"

"But if gritty urban core psyches are already burdened with the concept, why are you trying to sear it into our unsullied brains?" protested Briggs, as empathetically as possible.

"What part of 'shared community responsibility' don't you get?" interjected an exasperated Commissioner Finbarr Saunders...

11/20

Library Patrons Feel Threatened by Books

Guns needed in libraries to protect from subversive ideas, claims "gun art" organization

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - After an incident in which a man claimed he needed a gun for protection against the radical ideas inside the books at its Fountain City branch, the Knox County Public Library system has posted signs proclaiming, "Books Won't Hurt You."

Such a sign has been posted for decades at the Lawson-McGhee Library in downtown Knoxville, but not at the 17 branch libraries, said Larry Frank, director of the library system. Frank wrote a memo to Knox County Law Director Bill Lockett about the harmless nature of books after a man came into the Fountain City library with a handgun claiming he needed it to defend his innocence from seduction by the alluring temptations of "book learnin'."

"Although the patron questioned the wisdom of keeping such fearful instruments as books right out in the open where anyone might be exposed to them, he did not do anything else that could be perceived as absurd," Frank wrote. "The situation did make members of my staff and other library patrons roll their eyes and say, 'Happiness is a warm book.'"

Lockett wrote back to Frank that any entity of local, state or federal government is "authorized to express incredulity at people so afraid of their environment that they even need guns to protect themselves from books - but it's still best to give due notice that books are harmless. Notice of the harmless nature of books shall be posted in prominent locations, and the notices should be spelled slowly for those with reading difficulties."

Chief Deputy Law Director Joe Jarret also said, "Tennessee law provides that a public library system may provide proper signage to alert citizens that documents won't hurt them. This is true whether a person can read or not. I recommend a sign that says, 'Books don't hurt people - People hurt people.' It's the sort of rhetoric they'll understand."

But Will Popakapeneu, spokesperson for the group, Gunners United in Artful Respect for and Defense of Depictions of an Oeuvre with Guns (GUARDDOG), which first came together to advocate for government-sanctioned gun-art installations in public places, says county officials are being naive.

He and a group of fellow GUARDDOG members gathered outside the Lawson-McGhee Library to decry the concentration of perilous thought in the tomes inside the building. Likening the library to an arsenal that might touch off a conflagration of subversive attitudes, Popakapeneu said library patrons have a God-given right to carry guns to protect themselves from frightening knowledge...

11/21

Commissioners May Ignore County Charter, State Finds

Pay no attention to that pesky charter," says state election coordinator

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - In an opinion issued Friday, state election coordinator Mark Goins said that, in regard to constitutional issues, Knox Countians would be better off consulting crystal balls, Ouija boards, Tarot cards, tea leaves or the entrails of dead animals rather than their own county charter. This interpretation paves the way for county commissioners to run for multiple seats simultaneously and to serve unlimited terms and gives explicit permission for county officials to thumb their noses at county residents and say "Nyah, nyah, nyah" to them.

Goins issued his opinion in response to a request from Knox County Administrator of Elections Greg Mackay to help the county get through just one election cycle without another constitutional challenge. Mackay asked for clarification in regard to the term-limits language in the Knox County Charter. The relevant language of the charter reads

...no person shall be eligible to serve in any elected office of Knox County if during the previous two terms of that office the person in question has served more than a single term.
(Knox County Charter 9.17.A)

Specifically, Mackay asked if "more than a single term" actually means "more than a single term." Goins cited a Magic 8-Ball message that read "My sources say 'no'" to interpret that the passage didn't actually mean what it said and thereby to discount partial terms in calculating term limits.

"Based on the Magic 8-Ball's message, clearly, 'more than a single term' does not mean 'more than a single term,' and, in fact, means something entirely different. Therefore, you should disregard that charter passage in its entirety when determining the eligibility of a candidate for County Commission to seek another term as a county commissioner or anything else that shakes his or her groove thing," explained Goins...

"Snark Bites" 11/08-14/09

2009-11-26T09:48:00.000-08:00

11/09

Hopeless Politicians to Be Relocated to Nimbyville?

UT President's house also on list of possible sites for hopeless complex

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Objections to a possible apartment complex to house chronically hopeless politicians in West Knox County have already arisen, as hordes of West Knox Countians descended upon the Knox County Commission's Finance Committee yesterday to rattle their jewelry at the commissioners in protest of the plan. Residents of the urban core also attended to voice support for the project.

Commissioner Richard Briggs, whose 5th District includes the property targeted for the project at 125 Debusk Lane between Lovell Road and Pellissippi Parkway, articulated the West Knox County horde's concerns about the project. Briggs noted the project first got public attention Nov. 3 when it was presented to the Council of Owners of the West Knoxville Neighborhood Association's People Pleased with Insular Exclusivity, Synecdoche (COWKNAPPIES). He said that "more time is needed for us to absorb the shock and awe of the brazenness of the suggestion that a project like that with people like those might go in a place like this among people like us."

"There are three to four concerns people have," Briggs said. "First of all, they're paying a high price for this plan, over $500,000 for the lot, which makes it a pretty ritzy neighborhood, which is in keeping with West Knoxville, so that is OK. But it prompts us to ask - can hopeless politicians afford that? After their political careers dead-end, don't they go be sales people or teachers or other low-paying jobs? Also, this is right near a daycare center and a liquor store - and those aren't the kinds of places politicians are accustomed to hanging out. OK, well the liquor store, maybe. But really, in our part of town there's not a lot of social centers such as the courthouses or county-provided vehicles like they like to frequent. Surely they'd be happier someplace else."

Briggs said the commission should look at places "where they can get the most bang for the buck - because although you can get a lot of bang in West Knox County, it takes more bucks than most anywhere else in the county."

The proposal by the Mayors' Ten Year Plan to Fund Chronic Political Hopelessness would direct $500,000 to buy a small lot on Debusk Lane. The price of the land would be $500,000 or whatever the owner can get for it, whichever is more. The contract will go before commission Nov. 16.

The commission has urged Ten-Year Plan officials to locate hopeless politician facilities throughout Knox County in hopes of preparing for the overflow of hopeless politicians soon to be leaving office.

Said COWKNAPPIES member Marvin Marvin, "Who would spend that much money to house a few hopeless politicians? Nobody out here - That's what we pay for a small single-family housing lot. Now, we're not saying they can't build it here, because we believe property owners have an absolute right to build whatever they want on their property. We just thought the really high prices out here would keep anything we didn't like from being built. But look, we don't even have any sidewalks for them to be out on, begging for votes or whatever it is those sorts of people do..."

11/11

Lambert Announces 'Farewell to Outrage' Tour

But feisty commissioner will return after taking "soapbathable" to be tutored by State Rep. Campfield

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Amidst tears and some rejoicing, Knox County Commissioner Greg "Lumpy" Lambert announced his "Farewell to Outrage" tour, saying he would not seek a second term as the commission's designated scandal-generator. Both the tears and the rejoicing stemmed from Lambert's statement that this was not a final farewell tour - that he was merely taking an extended furlough to recoup his creative powers and prepare himself for even greater heights of outrage.

Speaking from the stage at the venerable Tennessee Theater, Lambert explained, "This isn't the final outrage, just the farewell outrage tour. What I've realized is, it's hard work to keep coming up with something new to regularly scandalize the community. I need some time off, so I'm taking a soapbathable to-"

"A what?" came a chorus of reporters' voices.

"A soapbathable," explained Lambert patiently. "It's something I understand a lot of great artists do - da Vinci, Archimedes, Douglas Adams, for instance. You take a break from the studies, draw a nice, warm, sudsy bath and soak in it for a while to re-energize yourself."

"Oh, a 'sabbatical,'" called the reporters chorus.

"Whatever," continued Lambert. "A soapbathable really gets the juices flowing. And to get my creative juices going even more, I'm going to be studying under a man I'd like to bring on stage right now, my close friend and advisor, Stacey 'The Mask' Campfield!"

Straight from his triumphant star turn as "The Mask" at the UT-South Carolina game on Halloween night, State Rep. Campfield, adorned in his Mexican wrestler "Luchador" mask, yellow two-piece suit, suspenders and a tie, slid from the wings proclaiming, "Sssss-smokin'!"

"C'mon over here and meet 'n' greet the people, Rep," invited Lambert, congenially.

"Ingreda Peebles? I don't believe I've had the pleasure of the lady," parried Campfield, striding herky-jerky about the stage...

11/13

200 Voice Opposition to Housing Vols in West Knox

"They need to stay on their football field where they belong," say opponents of plan to socialize football players

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Coming on the heels of yet another lawless incident involving members of the University of Tennessee Volunteers football team, more than 200 people crowded into a West Knox County senior center Thursday night to express opposition to a proposed apartment complex intended to help university athletes integrate themselves into society.

Members of the group Really Opposed Citizens of Knox to Youths Training to Operate Productively in Society (ROCKYTOPS) attended the public hearing, held by the county, to express their criticism, concern and disdain for the plan to build the apartments on Debusk Lane between Lovell Road and Pellissippi Parkway. Among the worries were fears children at a nearby daycare center would be challenged to pick-up games of touch football, that the lack of athletic training facilities near the site would tempt the players to play in the street, and the dearth of player-favored Pilot convenience stores nearby.

The plan is being proposed by the Mayors' Decades-Running and Ongoing Plan to Kick Investments from Citizens of Knox into "Volunteers'" Opulent Lifestyles, Seriously (DROPKICKVOLS). Funding for the project is on Monday's Knox County Commission agenda.

Commissioner Mike Hammond, who represents the area and attended the meeting at the Frank Strang Senior Center, drew loud applause when he promised he will ask for a timeout and for officials to give personal foul and delay of game penalties to the football players arrested earlier in the day.

Hammond's promise addressed one complaint by many at the hearing - that the county is trying to rush the project through the goalposts without enough public input.

"Why can't we have a time out?" ROCKYTOPSer Monty Mossback asked. "You're not going to change our minds about this game plan because we don't like it."

Commissioner Colonel Doctor Richard M. Briggs, M.D., who also represents the area, said he opposes any more penalties or timeouts and wants the game over with.

"I'm going to line up and stop this play whatever they run," he said. "The fans here don't want it. Those people should stay on their football field where they belong and not on our streets where they don't belong. They could be a danger to the lifestyle to which the people here have become accustomed - which is to say, one where these people here don't have to see those people there..."

"Snark Bites" 11/01-07/09

2009-11-26T09:44:00.000-08:00

11/02

Last Chance Not to Vote in City Elections

Citizens indifferent to representative government look forward to not voting Tuesday

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - The largest turnover on Knoxville City Council in 8 years will be decided by the few rather than the many Tuesday - and that's exactly how citizens here like it, according to spokespersons for a group claiming to represent Knoxville's "silent, indifferent majority."

"Battlin'" Bill Brownlow-Barnstormer, of West Knoxville's Riversound area and President of Knoxvillians Not Interested in Government Heeding Their Suffrage or Working to Help Oversee Services Aimed for Your Neighborhood, Incorporated (KNIGHTSWHOSAYNI), says not voting for city council representatives is Knoxvillians' most fundamental right and duty.

"Not voting in city council elections is the absolute bedrock right of every Knoxvillian, and one of the things that makes Knoxville such a great community," explained Brownlow-Barnstormer. "Being apathetic to another election of so-called leaders who will shape policy affecting all aspects of our community doesn't mean we don't care about who runs Knoxville - we do. It's just that we trust a few power-brokers to run the city more than we trust ourselves to elect someone to do it."

Brownlow-Barnstormer's sentiment is one that KNIGHTSWHOSAYNI Secretary Hosmer Windibank-Mabry shares.

"I think it's wonderful that we have one last chance not to vote for city council," said Windibank-Mabry, of Island Home. "It's a rare city that offers you multiple opportunities to pass up the chance to exercise your suffrage - early voting, absentee voting, or voting on election day - comfortable in the sincere knowledge that you don't care who represents you on city council. Just letting the powers behind the scenes run things is a rare, rare privilege - and I, for one, enjoy exercising it. We are duty-bound not to vote..."

11/04

Knoxville, Knox County May Recall Voters

Faced with disappointing election turnouts, government officials ponder voter improvements

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Faced with distressingly diminishing election returns, leaders in Knoxville and Knox County are considering a number of options to improve both the quantity and quality of local voters. The proposals include recalling the suffrage from voters who fail to exercise their franchise in 4 or more consecutive local elections, revoking the registration cards of indolent voters, extending the franchise to groups seen as more engaged in the civic process and instituting a voter draft, among many others.

At a hastily called summit meeting between city and county leaders, representatives tossed out a variety of ideas for consideration.

"Something must be done," said City Council Member Rob Frost. "A firm stance needs to be taken that there are limits to the degree of indifference the body politic can take from the voters that stand as its head - or do the voters stand as the feet of the political body? - Anyway, if people don't vote in a defined number of consecutive local elections, say 4, their franchises would be recalled."

"What would we do with the recalled franchises?" asked Council Member Barbara Pelot.

"Repossess 'em," suggested County Commissioner Paul Pinkston. "Strip 'em down and resell 'em for parts."

"Maybe we could just revoke their voter registration cards if they haven't used them for a while and make them go through a civics class to reclaim them," suggested Council Member Joe Hultquist. "I hate to deprive anyone of the franchise entirely."

"I agree," said Knox County Elections Administrator Greg Mackay. "I'd rather use the carrot than the stick to get out the vote, because you attract more flies with carrots than you do with sticks."

"Depends on what the stick's been poked in," drawled Pinkston...

11/07

'Black Jersey Day' Proclaimed Local Holiday

Homecoming designated as new holiday to commemorate Vols' non-losing record; fans go wild

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - As frenzied fans thronged the Strip, packed bars, and poured into retail outlets to purchase any and all black- and orange-colored merchandise in sight, on Saturday, the University of Tennessee's annual homecoming game day was designated "Black Jersey Day" to commemorate the Vols' re-attaining a non-losing record. The Vols' record currently stands at 4-4; the team has previously been 1-0, 2-2, and 3-3 this season. Volunteer Head Coach Lane Kiffin and officials from UT, Knoxville and Knox County were on hand to mark the occasion.

Speaking at Neyland Stadium before a crowd estimated in the hundreds of thousands, UT Athletic Director Mike Hamilton noted that, in addition to marking the Vols' achievement of a non-losing record for the fourth time this season, "Black Jersey Day" offered the possibility of the Vols attaining other milestones.

"Besides reaching a .500 or better record for the fourth time this season, tonight's homecoming game with Memphis provides the opportunity to have a winning streak for the first time since the first week of the season," cried Hamilton. "Is that just magnificent?"

With that announcement, the crowd roared its approval of the Vols' return to greatness.

"Even better, this game offers the possibility of having a winning record for the first time since Week One of ther 2009," proclaimed Hamilton. "Isn't that simply stupendous?"

At that, the crowd, cheering madly, rushed onto the field.

"And none of these milestones would be in sight if it weren't for Head Coach Lane Kiffin and his black jerseys!" trumpeted Hamilton, as the crowd surged past him and tore down the goalposts. "Isn't it almost inconceivable?"

"Kiffin's a wizard, a magician!" called one fan.

"This is better than reaching the SEC Championship Game two years ago!" cried another.

This is better than winning the national title in '98!" yelled another.

"Lane Kiffin will take us to national titles in 2010, 2011 and 2012!" cried another.

"Lane Kiffin is bigger than Jesus right now!" screamed a single fan whom the crowd immediately tore apart like a tear-away jersey.

"If we go to a bowl game this season, I'll name my first-born child after him!" shrieked yet another fan.

"Well, I'll rename all my children after him if we end up with a winning record!" countered another.

"Is that so? Well, big guy, I'll change my name to 'Lane Kiffin' if we end the season with a non-losing record! What do you say to that?" retorted the first.

"I say I'll change mine to Layla Kiffin!" spat the second.

"Oh yeah? Then try changing your teeth!" said the first, smacking the other across the face. Soon, the swarming mass of fans had descended into a general melee...

"Snark Bites" 10/25-31/09

2009-11-11T12:23:00.000-08:00

10/30

DeFreese Demands Freedom from Health

"Keep your hands off my germs!" says feisty former commission appointee

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Citing the right to "life, liberty and the pursuit of illness," former Knox County Commissioner Victoria DeFreese is lobbying commissioners to stop spending $1.4 million in federal dollars to keep citizens healthy through flu vaccinations.

The funding was approved Monday on the consent agenda by County Commission.

"The government has no right to tell us what viruses and bacteria we can have in our bodies," said DeFreese. "The Constitution gives us the right to keep and bear germs. Beware of presidents declaring so-called 'national health emergencies' - it's an excuse to confiscate our germs."

DeFreese, seeking election in 2010 to the commission's South Knox County 9th District on a platform of "Health-Care Free," sent an e-mail message touting the glories of illness to county commissioners and others. The email included links to the Web sites of the characters Pig-Pen and Moonbeam McSwine from the cartoons "Peanuts" and Li'l Abner," respectively. One commissioner said the linked Web sites were "radical opinion" venues.

"My concern is that a lot of money is going into H1N1 preparedness," DeFreese said. "It would appear to me that some pharmaceutical company is trying to make money capitalistically by selling this vaccine. They should be doing it socialistically and giving it away for free, so I can remain consistent in my views - because I really want to support capitalism, but I'm having a hard time getting behind buying this anti-virus stuff."

DeFreese also noted that unhealthy lifestyles were "under attack by a government bent on controlling every aspect of our health - right down to how often we trim our toenails."

"They already tax liquor and tobacco products and declare other things that are bad for you illegal, and they've already banned smoking everywhere," she said. "Where does it end?"

DeFreese then articulated her fear of how the future would unfold.

"Now, they're talking about taxing sodas and other sweet stuff that's bad for you," she said. "How long before there's an outright ban on yummy goodness? Next, it'll be red meat and salty snacks. And then they'll come for your germs. Pretty soon, they'll be taxing your germs and banning you from carrying them into public buildings. In the near future, they'll set up health-check booths and warn you that if you have contraband germs on you, your germs will be confiscated and you'll be arrested and quarantined in the prison hospital. That is the future. So, we must fight the future. We must declare all-out germ warfare. They'll take my germs over my dead body..."

10/27

County Officials May Get 'GYPS' Systems

Proposed devices would use shocks, earworms to thwart tempted politicians

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - A proposal approved Monday by Knox County Commission could lead to key county politicians having GYPS (Governmental Yearnings for Perfidy Shield) units installed to cut down on officeholders being tantalized by temptation. This latest proposal would replace a previous recommendation to have GPS systems installed on county officials.

According to the GYPS creator, Dr. Hanz De Puhlin-Lehger, the experimental device works on the same principle as an electric dog collar, only the GYPS unit delivers a shock whenever a politician begins to act on a yearning to succumb to temptation. Puhlin-Lehger says the GYPS system is still undergoing testing.

"South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford was the first trial subject for the GYPS," Puhlin-Lehger explained. "Sanford may have been an unwise choice, because his temptations are such a driving force that his nervous system was receiving shocks virtually 24 hours a day - which may explain why he thought he was hiking the Appalachian Trail when he disappeared some months ago."

Puhlin-Lehger did, however, note that the experiment taught his design team that the GYPS' shock voltage regulator could be set much higher because "the political nervous system seems in many ways geared to thrive on shocks, as if politicians' backbones were essentially giant shock absorbers."

Commissioners debated the relative merits of the GYPS system with little discernible headway.

"I think it's important to look at savings," said Commissioner Mike Hammond, who initially proposed the GPS system and then abandoned it in favor of the GYPS. "With the GPS, we could track our movements, but we couldn't really stop ourselves if we were tempted to use vehicles for non-county business. If we receive shocks every time we get into a county vehicle, then we may not drive so much, thereby saving money. Plus, citizens may get a kick out of knowing we'll receive a jolt every time we get into a county car. We owe it to the taxpayers to do this in a way that's both efficient and entertaining."

The commission approved issuing a "request for sucking up" to get an idea of the costs of installing GYPS systems in certain politicians. A request for sucking up gets data from companies on the costs for services they provide and a feel for what extras and perks they offer, but it's not a formal bid for the contract, said John Troyer, chief finance director. "The contract's when we really squeeze 'em for freebies," he added.

Hugh Holt, deputy finance director, said it would cost between $367 to $4,367,000 per month to monitor the 101 officials under consideration for the units. Holt said it would cost between $4.48 to $500,165 to install a GYPS system.

Puhlin-Lehger said the wide variance in potential cost was because the GYPS system is still being finalized.

"Plus, we are still experimenting with special features," he said. "For example, the aural-torment cognitive-dissonance temptation dissuader, which blasts Cher's gut-wrenching '70s hit, 'Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves' directly into the eardrums of GYPS-outfitted politicians the moment they succumb to temptation - is available for only $749,999.99. For an even million, we'll upgrade to her head-splitting '90s hit, 'Do You Believe in Love.'"

"Zoiks," said Commissioner Paul Pinkston. "It's quite a fee to GYP ourselves. Couldn't we just slap one another and give each other an earworm like 'I'm Too Sexy' and call it even?"...

10/25

County Commission Costume Gala Tomorrow

County and city officials will mark monthly meeting with Halloween get-ups

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - An unusual item has been slipped on to the Knox County Commission's meeting agenda for tomorrow - a Halloween costume party. Initially, commission had intended to recognize former longtime Knoxville City Mayor Victor Ashe, who recently returned from political exile in Poland, during the meeting.

However, Ashe announced that, in observance of Halloween, he would be attending the meeting in the guise of "The Ghost of Governments Past" - which led to an immediate notice from former Knox County Sheriff Tim Hutchison that he would attend the meeting as "The Ghost of Governments Future." Soon, other officials got into the act.

State Senator Tim Burchett, who is running for Knox County Mayor - possibly against Hutchison - couldn't resist appearing once he learned that Hutchison would be there. Burchett stated that he would attend the meeting as a vanilla ice cream cone, "because even people who say they don't like vanilla will take vanilla if that's their only choice."

After learning of Hutchison's costume, Sheriff Jimmy "J.J." "Good Times" Jones said he would be attending as an island, signifying his stance "as his own man, independent of all, beholden to none." Jones's county charter watchdog in Nashville, Chad Faulkner, a Knox County Sheriff's deputy and state representative for Campbell and Union Counties, will be accompanying Jones in the guise of the Knox County Charter Termlimitator.

Current Knoxville City Mayor Bill Haslam will attend as the "marathon man" from the 1976 movie of the same name, a costume Haslam's camp says reflects his intentions to "go the distance in the Tennessee governor's race - and has nothing to do with Marathon Oil."

When informed that the '76 Dustin Hoffman thriller only tangentially deals with running marathons and has more to do with Nazi war criminals, stolen diamonds, and teeth-drilling torture, Bill Lyons, Knoxville's Senior Director of Explicating Finely Nuanced Political Gaffes, said, "Mayor Haslam, of course, is very familiar with Mr. Hoffman's work in general and Marathon Man in particular. In this instance, Mayor Haslam felt that the title 'Marathon Man' communicates a pleasing visceral sense of endurance and motion, whatever the movie's graphic and provocative nature. Plus, it's too late to get our deposit back on the sweat suit costume."

Embattled Knox County Law Director Bill Lockett and besieged Knox County School Board Member Bill Phillips both announced they would come as philosophy's "immovable object." When each learned of the other's intentions, both sent notice they expected the other to yield and select a different costume. So far, neither has budged...

"Snark Bites" 10/18-24/09

2009-10-25T07:53:00.000-07:00

10/23

TVA to Build 'Magic Mountain' from Coal Ash

"Mount Ashmore" to be agency's answer to Mount Rushmore

From APB reports. KINGSTON - As the first anniversary of TVA's coal ash spill disaster looms like angry storm clouds hanging over placid seas, the agency is building a coal-ash "Magic Mountain" tourist attraction that will loom over the surrounding countryside.

"We're trying to do something positive with this disaster," explained TVA President and CEO Kilmore Trout. "Some people look at a calamity and see havoc, misery, grief and woe. We look at this debacle and see an opportunity. We're taking one supremely devastating environmental and human catastrophe and making it a fun-filled multi-attraction theme park the entire family will enjoy: Six Floods Over Swan Pond."

Although it was only one flood resulting from the failure of a TVA coal-ash retention pond that destroyed the Swan Pond community, Trout explained that the "six floods" in the title was "hyperbole intended to build upon the alliterative possibilities offered by the title."

Trout confirmed that the towering centerpiece of the attraction, Mount Ashmore, would have portraits carved in relief on the coal-ash mountain's face. "My face will be up there, overlooking the residents of Roane County like some benevolent titan," said Trout. "We haven't decided which others to honor yet, but Bill Baxter and Franklin Delano Roosevelt are definitely top contenders. We want to share the bla- er, glory, with a motley assemblage of the leaders who brought us to where this agency is today."

That doesn't sit well with some Roane County residents on several fronts, they said Thursday.

"TVA didn't tell the county of its tourist-attraction plans," said leading citizen Fermin Birdenhand. "This massive thingy will create more traffic woes and draw more gawkers to something that I wish would go away - or that TVA would give us more money for."

Birdenhand said he and others learned of the project secondhand, from a citizen who spoke to a friend of his wife who knew a worker at TVA's Kingston Fossil Plant who overheard a security guard receiving instructions from a TVA Media Communications Clarification Specialist.

"That's what really sticks my crawfish in boiling water - the lack of communication or lack of compensation thereof for," Birdenhand said. "TVA doesn't communicate or compensate very well."

On the contrary, said TVA Message Massage Therapist Jackie Stonewall, such circular message-conveyance is the standard chain of communication at TVA.

"We always want our messages to go through as many levels as possible to ensure that all aspects of communiqué clarity have been considered," she said. "We want what we say to be as clarified as butter. It's standard operating practice that increases transparency at every level of TVA, from the highest director to the lowest pond-scum skimmer..."

10/21

TVA Held "Practice" Accidental Ash Release Before Actual Accidental Release

"We've got to practice these accidents to be sure we get them right," says TVA CEO

From APB reports. KINGSTON - Eight days before the Sept. 18 release of airborne ash during a test burn at TVA's Kingston Fossil Plant, a similar but smaller "practice" fallout occurred, a report released Tuesday by the federal agency said.

According to the report, while TVA was investigating the Sept. 18 event, it discovered that its plant had released materials on Sept. 10, a discovery at which TVA's management is shocked, shocked they tell us. Some flakes of material were found on an employee's car in the parking lot of the Kingston plant. Investigators immediately theorized that the employee had climbed into the smokestack and manually scraped the flakes from it, because they didn't want to think about more likely possibilities.

However, under close questioning, the employee insisted that the ash had gotten onto the car by "some crazy accident." At that point, TVA concluded that the release was a "practice" accident, but noted that the incident was not reported to TVA management and that it was entirely harmless, too.

"We appreciate the zealousness of our employees, who want us to be ready for accidental releases of all sorts, but we sure wish someone had told us about this, because we like management to be in the loop on our accidental practice releases - and all the other ones too," said TVA President and CEO Kilmore Trout.

TVA initiated the root-cause study of the Sept. 18 event at the direction of the Tennessee Verification of Answers Unit of the Department for Ignoring the Validity of Occam's Razor when Considering Explanations Contrary to Earlier Ones (TVAUDIVORCECEO).

"We will study the study - and likely that will be the last of it, because it's TVA - with TVA, what else can you do but study the studies?" said TVAUDIVORCECEO spokeswoman Trisha Flying-Trapeze. "It's not like we can fine them or anything..."

10/18

In Memoriam: Recalling Bill Phillips's Political Career

Mourners to hold wake for school board member's political aspirations

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - In the wake of yet another forgery accusation, observers have decided to declare Bill Phillips's political career dead and go ahead with a wake for it. The embattled school board member had previously pleaded guilty to misdemeanor assault, for which he was censured by the school board. He recently admitted to forging names on his campaign documents.

Despite pundits' plans to proceed with the wake, the spirit of Phillips's career protested that it still had life in it. "I'm not dead yet," it cried. "I haven't given up the ghost."

Former County Commissioner Jack Huddleston said mourners are already collecting signatures for a petition declaring Phillips's career deceased. Huddleston also said to pay no attention to the protests emanating from Phillips's career

"A political corpse is a lot like a chicken with its head cut off," said Huddleston. "It takes a while for the reality to sink in. But it'll stop running soon enough."

Huddleston also said that the mourners would try to verify the truth of a rumor that Phillips's political career was seeking a reinstatement of its gun-carry permit, and if true, would oppose it.

"A dead political career has no business carrying a gun loaded with live ammo," he said. "That's a lethal combination."

Other mourners recalled some of their favorite Bill Phillips quotes, including the following...

"Snark Bites" 10/11-17/09

2009-10-22T03:47:00.000-07:00

10/17

Ballard to 'Defriend' Sisk on Facebook

Growing "dissing" contest between respective offices feared

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - In an escalating dissing match between the Knox County Property Assessor's Office and the Knox County Trustee's Office, Property Assessor Philly Ballard announced he would 'defriend' Trustee Freddie Sisk on the popular Internet social media exchange, Facebook.

"Freddiez mean 2 me. He dissed me. We R not BFF no more," Twittered Ballard in a prepared tweet. "All my peepsz defriending him N all his meanies. BFN."

At issue is a statement Sisk posted on his own Facebook page, saying that Ballard wished to receive friend requests from all Knox County property owners. The request promised that "I, Philly Cheesesteak, will allow respondents to appraise the living daylights out of my personal property" if they were unhappy with their own property assessments from earlier in the year.

The property assessor's Facebook page has since been deluged with friend requests from county property owners, many of whom expressed the desire to "appraise the H-E-double toothpicks out of the property assessor." The trouble is, according to Ballard, Sisk's promise is false. Understandably, Ballard is miffed.

"U cant appraise h*ll out of my props coz u dont like yrz," Ballard texted. "Freddiez mad bcoz of fire zone..."

10/14

Knox County to Host the 'Running of the Tims'

People for the Ethical Treatment of Tims, Associated (PETTA) expected to protest

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Knox County appears to be slated to host the famous "Running of the Tims," but an organization against mistreatment of people named Tim say they will protest the pageant. The Running of the Tims is a popularity contest that pits Tims against one another and winds up with a run through a closed-off area of a city while drunken throngs cheer and jeer. Knox County's version would run State Senator Tim Burchett (R-I'm Still from Around Here) against former Knox County Sheriff Tim Hutchison (R-I Never Left).

Neither local Tim would admit to feeling mistreated or exploited.

"Exploited? Nah," protested Burchett. "I've raised $100,000 so far to participate in this 'exploitation.' If raising $100,000 for my campaign equals exploitation, just keep on exploiting me some more."

Hutchison declined to admit to anything.

Ray Jenkins, Knox County Republican Party chairman, said his party now has an "embarrassment of riches." Local political observers agreed with the "embarrassment" assessment.

"We've got candidates, and we will be selecting the new mayor in our 'Running of the Tims' without question," Jenkins said. "I think it will be quite a lively race. That's because of the physical stamina of these candidates. They're going to be like bulls charging a red flag out there. May the best Tim win."

However, local activist Tim Timothy, organizer of the group People for the Ethical Treatment of Tims, Associated (PETTA), says no Tims ever win a race like this.

"When I was a kid, they ran then child-actor Timothy Hutton against baseball player Tim McCarver in Philadelphia," explained Timothy. "My family went for it. Hutton thought all these people were cheering for him, and I thought they were all cheering for me."

Timothy then recalled how the tableau took an ugly turn.

"When some spectators around me heard that my name was 'Tim Timothy,' they started singing 'Tim Timothy, Tim Timothy, Tim-Tim-Tuh-ree' and then they laughed at me," he related. "I was hurt and confused. It wasn't until later that I understood they weren't interested in Hutton or me as people - it was all about the spectacle of the run itself. I think that messed him up worse than winning the Oscar so early in his career. It messed me up pretty good too - the confusion over the cheering and the singing and the laughing, not him winning the Oscar. That's why I started PETTA - me being messed up from being involved in the Running of the Tims, not him winning the Oscar..."

10/12

County Commissioner Cage Match Mars Holiday

Smith-vs.-Carringer grumble-bumble rumble spoils county's Columbo Day celebration

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Today, Knox County Mayor Mike Ragsdale marked with a speech the occasion of the discovery of the "reverse whodunit," as the Knights of Columbo, dressed in their traditional trench coats and cheap cigars, led the annual Columbo Day parade. However, vicious in-fighting between a pair of 7th district Knox County Commissioners - mixing it up worse than Jon and Kate Gosselin on a bad day - temporarily halted the festivities and threatened to disrupt the event entirely.

Many counties celebrate the anniversary of the beloved fictional detective Lieutenant Columbo's formulation of the reverse whodunit, in which the murderer is known to the audience, but the mystery revolves around the minute means by which the rumpled detective snares the clever culprit. The day is celebrated as Columbo Day in Knox County and elsewhere, as Day O' Da Raincoat in many counties in the Northeast, as Fiesta la Resurgimiento de la Policía Procedurali (Occasion of the "Police Procedural" Concept Being Put on Life-Support) on the West Coast, and as Giorno di Resistenza Arresto (Day of the Villain Getting His Comeuppance) on the set of "Law & Order." These holidays have been celebrated unofficially since the late 1960s, and officially in various counties since the later 20th century.

As Mayor Ragsdale was set to conclude his speech with the customary "Oh, just one more thing-" catchphrase, signaling to the milling Columbos to start the parade, Commissioners "Our" Larry Smith and Michele "Derringer" Carringer tumbled onto the stage.

"You promised! You promised not to run against me in 2010, you two-timing, deal-breaking hussy! You lied!" Smith sharply criticized Carringer, viciously pulling her hair as well.

Although when appointed to replace ousted Commissioner Scott "Scoobie" Moore last January, she promised to be a "caretaker," not a "deal-breaker," for the 7th District Knox County Commission seat B, Carringer has announced her candidacy for the seat in 2010.

"Ah, baloney!" responded Carringer to Smith while trying to land a hammerlock on his bristling moustache. "When I promised to be a caretaker, I only meant that I'd serve until Moore won his appeal and got his seat back - like that's going to happen. But if he did, I'd gladly surrender his seat - and run for yours..."

"Snark Bites" 10/4-10/09

2009-10-11T09:47:00.000-07:00

10/09

Scripps to Launch 'Knox County's Cooking' Channel

Popularity of county government antics, eating, cited in rebranding of "Fine Living" network

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Scripps Networks Interactive is shutting down its Fine Living Network and will relaunch it as the "Knox County's Cooking" Channel to capitalize on the increasing notoriety of the county's government and the ongoing popularity of food-based living.

"This rebranding gives us an opportunity to reach success much faster because of the greater interest in the food-eating category and the laughing-at-county-government category than the broader, harder-to-define living-fine category," said Cindy McConkey, senior vice president of corporate communications for Knoxville-based Scripps Networks Interactive. "It's not that Fine Living failed; it's just that it didn't succeed. But combining Knox County government with the cooking of food and the consumption of it provides the opportunity for exponential growth."

McConkey explained that Fine Living has been Scripps' most challenging network, because many people frankly resent a whole network devoted to the high life while they're having to save up to afford the combo meal at Long John Silver's - and that is with the coupon. The only shows that were successful on Fine Living dealt with cooking food and eating it.

"Knox County's Cooking" will be a 24-hour network with programming focusing on instructional cooking, Knox County government hijinks, popular local dishes and game shows that mix cooking and local politics. Some of the programs that have already been announced include:

"Cooking the Books" - Various county government officials will offer "under-the-table" tips on how to stretch your food dollar

"Riding the Lumpy Gravy Train" - Knox County's favorite gastrophile commissioner, Greg "Lumpy" Lambert, dishes on his secrets for picking up perks in Knox County's favorite political dining spots

"Your Goose Is Cooked" - County representatives facing possible ouster for ethical or criminal violations present their choices for their last meals on the county's dime

"Curry Favors" - County officials spice up the lives of regular families by calling in political favors to solve problems for them - all during the course of an authentic Indian meal

"Thirty Minute Deals" - Officials offer insider tips for trading food for votes; hosted by former County Commissioner Scott "Scoobie" Moore

"Rotten Tomatoes, Bad Eggs and One Bad Apple" - From clues in the names of dishes, contestants try to guess that week's Knox-area celebrity political has-been

"Quiche My Grits" - Each week, county officials share their recipes for fusion dishes combining traditional Old South staples with haute cuisine while displaying the sass that won them office...

10/08

County Officials Vow to Use Fewer Annoying Words

Promises not to use "whatever," "totally" aimed at bolstering relations with constituencies

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - On the heels of a national poll revealing that "whatever" is the most-despised term in the United States, Knox County officials today vowed not to use it and other grating words.

At a hastily assembled press conference, Knox County Commissioners and Mayor Mike Ragsdale laid out a strategy for using fewer annoying words and phrases to engender good will among citizens.

"Whatever we can do to make voters more comfortable - wait, I just said it, didn't I?" Ragsdale began. "Well, ah, look, it's like, if it will make people happier if county employees don't use 'whatever,' then we'll do whatever it takes ... oh no, er, ah, OK, let me start over...Whatever the people want - oops, I did it again ..."

Chief Mayoral Spokesperson Dwight Van de Vate then explained to Ragsdale that it wasn't the word 'whatever,' but rather the context in which it was used that bothered listeners.

"It's OK to say 'Whatever we can do to help,' chief," counseled Van de Vate. "People just don't like the word used as a one-word retort of indifference or apathy intended to shut down discourse."

"Really? Fine, OK, whatever," muttered Ragsdale.

"Of course, I'm so erudite, I would seldom resort to such distressingly banal idioms, anyway," Van de Vate continued, almost as if to himself. "I mean, like, you know?"

The poll, by the Mirth Institute for Pretend Opinions and Lotsa Laughs (MIPOLL), further found that "you know," "it is what it is," and "at the end of the day" were most despised by the American public.

Knox County Commission Chair Thomas "Tank" Strickland agreed that commission should heed the poll and eschew the disliked terms. However, he warned that certain steps would have to be taken before commission could do so.

Said Strickland, "Before we can stop using 'whatever,' 'you know,' 'it is what it is,' and 'at the end of the day,' commission will need to first study the issue, hold a workshop on it, subject it to public inquiry, bring it up in committee, make a motion to frame it as a resolution, table it, take it up again, vote, send it to commission, ask to place it on the agenda, bring it up as an resolution, deliberate, debate, discuss, palaver, argue and parlay it, table it, recall it, table it, floor it and deck it, make a new motion and then, at the end of the day, try to remember what we were talking about in the first place..."

10/06

Recall Group Recalls Recall Effort

Calls for recalling recall amendment instead

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Calling the price to remove government incompetence too high to ask taxpayers to pay, a group trying to recall Knox County Law Director Bill Lockett says it will instead work to recall the recall amendment that was supposed to allow citizens to remove elected officials from office. If that effort fails, group leaders say, then it may be time to recall all of Knox County.

"We're recalling the Lockett recall to focus on recalling the recall amendment because county officials informed us that the Lockett recall effort will likely fail unless the recall amendment is recalled and revised, after which we will re-recall the recalling of Bill Lockett," said Gil Ulable. Ulable is one of the leaders of the group, Citizens for Recalling All Officials in Knox County, However, Our Intent to Recall Ran Afoul of Government Ineptitude, Nullifying the Goal, which is trying to get Lockett removed from office.

"CROAKCHOIRRAGING? Is that actually your group's acronym? How in the world did you come up with that? Seriously, who calls themselves CROAKCHOIRRAGING?" asked a reporter.

"Look, bizarre acronyms are the least of the problems you're going to face when you deal with government incompetence of the magnitude that we have in Knox County," said a visibly embarrassed Ulable. "It's not our fault we got saddled with trying to recall Bill Lockett, only to find the recall amendment language - which was approved by the Knox County government officials - was flawed, which means we now have to try to recall the recall amendment itself. You know, we trusted elected government officials to advise us on how to remove elected government officials. Do we feel really stupid now? Why yes, yes, we do."

The problems with the recall amendment, says Knox County Recollections Administrator Greg Mackay, are manifold. Among its provisions, it -

- Calls for those desiring a recall to create a petition that includes "eye of Newt, tooth of Hillary, girth of Rush, tongue of Barack, peck of Beck and smidgen of Biden";

- Requires that the recall organizers then "jump down, turn around and do the hokey-pokey";

- Directs the petitioners to collect on the petition "a number of signatures equivalent to the number of angels that can dance on the head of a pin";

- And, after having completed those provisions, it says organizers must hold two special elections, "four score and seven years ago," respectively...

Snark Bites on WUOT's Dialogue, Wednesday, Oct. 7

2009-10-04T10:04:00.000-07:00

WUOT News Director Matt Shafer Powell has graciously invited me to be his guest on "Dialogue," Wednesday, October 7, at 1:00 p.m. to talk about "Snark Bites." The station is WUOT 91.9 FM, and you can listen online.

If you have questions you're dying to ask live on the air, the number to call is 864-974-5050.

"Snark Bites" 09/27-10/03

2009-10-04T08:53:00.000-07:00

10/02

Doggy Discrimination in New City Park?

Mayor Haslam slammed for "rolling over" to dog activists

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Construction on the City of Knoxville's new downtown dog park is slated to begin by October 15 and may be completed by year's end, but the political repercussions for Knoxville Mayor Bill Haslam may not be done so quickly.

News of the groundbreaking for the roughly two-acre park slated for a section of green space located on the southeast corner of the intersection of Summit Hill and Central Avenue has been welcomed by the leash-law set. However, plans for the park to have separate sections for large dogs and small ones have drawn yelps from dog activists as smelling both discriminatory and exclusionary - while others have used the park to accuse Haslam of being a lapdog for special-interest groups.

Downtown doggie denizen and pioneer Urban Poodle Carl Haynes said, "Separate areas for dogs by size? How much more segregationist can you get? What would be the reaction if the mayor tried this in a park designed for the Hairless, Ungainly, and Mostly Absurd Nonentities that don't feed me nearly enough? They'd bark him right out of office. This rank size-ism gets my hackles up."

Added Carl's housemate Della, "Carl's a big strapping hunk and I'm a sweet petite thing - we'd be stuck in separate sections of the park. And what about those puppies, the tiny, tiny puppies of larger dogs, seeking a day of fun and frolic with their folks, only to be torn from the side of their parents and shown into some fenced-in jail full of strange-smelling other dogs? Does Mayor Haslam really intend to separate families like this? Someone needs to be shown the mess they made and have their nose smacked with a newspaper."

For his part, Haslam said he had no say-so in the design of the park, which was overseen by the Public Building Authority. However, he added that he supports the PBA's work but wants to assure all of his four-legged constituents that no companion dogs will be separated from one another, regardless of size.

"There was no conscious intent to segregate dogs by size in the park's design," said Haslam. "There are areas where all dogs can intermingle - and their humans as well. The areas for small dogs and large dogs are purely set-asides for the convenience and comfort of those dogs."

However, Haslam's explanation didn't sit well with another of his constituencies - middle-sized dogs.

"Oh, sure, it's always the extremes that get pandered to," complained medium-weight Parkridge canine Lulu DeGrow. "A set-aside for the big dogs who already charge around wherever they want like they own the place just because they're big. And a set-aside for the small dogs, who already get everybody fussing over them because they're little and cute and helpless. Always, the middle is overlooked."

"Yeah, what about a set-aside for the middle-size breeds?" Fourth and Gill mixed-breed Cody McNutt whined. "Are we somehow beneath consideration, looked upon as sub-species or something?"

"Right!" barked DeGrow. "Let me tell you something: America's middle-sized dogs are America's middle-class, and we're what made America great. Ignore us at your peril - we'll bite your ankles!"

"Like heck America was built by y'all!" growled McNutt. "America was built by the blue collars of working-class dogs of whatever size!"

McNutt and DeGrow then became distracted by a small stuffed hedgehog nicknamed "Squeaky" and began wrestling over it...

09/30

"Total Recall" of Law Director May Prove Costly

Less expensive replacement of defective parts only said to be "not an option"

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Replacing the Knox County Law Director's defective conscience, malfunctioning moral compass, and other faulty parts is not an option and only a total recall and replacement of the entire unit will satisfy regulatory concerns reports the Knox County Recollection Commission, the organization responsible for explaining such regulations.

Greg Mackay, Knox County Recollection administrator, said, "It's all or nothing - you can't just keep law director parts you like and send the rest back. You can't treat an expensive piece of law direction machinery like Mr. Potato Head."

Thus, the law director's resale retailer, Knox County Voters, Ltd., will be on the hook for the entire cost of recalling and replacing the misfiring device. The total expense of replacing it may climb upwards of $270,000 - times two.

John Q. Citizen, a spokesperson for Knox County Voters, Ltd., expressed regret over the flawed law director, but defended its acquisition of the instrument and blamed both the manufacturer and the device itself for any breakdowns in its performance.

"That thing is supposed to have a 'self-reporting' feature that immediately detects and reports mistakes in judgment or lapses in character," said Citizen. "Never once did an alarm go off in all the time this doohickey was defalcating in the firm where it was previously installed. Why didn't the manufacturer, Tennessee Bar Associates, Inc., catch that?"

"How can we possibly be expected to monitor what every one of these items is doing when we're churning out thousands of them each year?" responded Tennessee Bar Associate Shia Steer. "That's why we install the self-reporting piece. But the function of that device, in turn, depends on at least one of several redundant systems functioning correctly: the moral compass, the gut checker, the character referencer, the vice inhibitor and finally, the look-yourself-in-the-mirror test. But they all failed at the same time."

Asked how redundant systems could fail simultaneously, Steer was at a loss.

"We can't explain it," he said. "This is not supposed to happen. In this unit, those systems seem to have just gone kablooey and experienced massive moral spasms - like it experienced total systemic failure and all ethics centers were compromised or inhibited. That's unheard of. You expect little things to go wrong, but not this - not spasmodic moral fluctuations, simultaneous with inhibited ethics centers. Nobody expects that."

"Ha-ha! I get it! No one expects the spastic inhibition!" exclaimed the reporter...

09/28

Commission Votes for Guns in Neyland Stadium

Guns appear at meeting to make their aims known

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - With firearms of every caliber in the audience, Knox County Commissioners yesterday afternoon held a tense debate over the necessity and advisability of allowing guns in sports stadiums, including Neyland Stadium. Tempers were on a short fuse and many of the guns in the audience nearly went off on commission, but despite some emotional moments, the meeting concluded with a vote 13-5 to allow guns in sports facilities. The assembled munitions bared their themselves in solidarity when the vote was announced.

Voting to allow guns in stadiums were Commissioners Tony Norman, Ivan Harmon, Mike Hammond, Craig Leuthold, Richard Briggs, Brad Anders, Greg "Lumpy" Lambert, R. Larry Smith, Michele Carringer, Bud Armstrong, Dave Wright, Mike Brown and Paul Pinkston.

Voting for the ban were Commissioners Sam McKenzie, Thomas "Tank" Strickland, Mark Harmon, Amy Broyles and Finbarr Saunders.

Those arguing in favor of handguns in stadiums said it should be allowed under the Second Amendment and that violence is part of sports anyway and if people were going to attack each other, wouldn't a sports facility be the appropriate place for it? And besides, they added, the guns themselves were wholly indifferent to sports.

Commissioner Colonel Doctor Richard M. Briggs, M.D., pointed out that there were only occasional fights in the stands at Neyland Stadium, and "almost no one resorts to using their expensive, concessions-stand-purchased popcorn as a lethal weapon, so logically, people won't resort to using guns - which are much more precious to them than their popcorn - as lethal weapons."

"Popcorn is light, fluffy and yummy; guns are heavy, leaden and lethal - there is no logic in your comparison," argued Commissioner Amy Broyles.

At that, angry cries burst from some members of the audience.

"Guns don't kill people - bullets do!" yelled a Colt .45.

"Popcorn has choked more people to death than I've ever shot," cried a Sig Sauer P239.

"I'm not bad, I'm just aimed that way," growled a Smith & Wesson 60 Ladysmith 38 Special.

Commissioner Greg "Lumpy" Lambert was then dispatched as a special peacemaker to the gun culture to convince the weapons to stay on topic - and target. The meeting then resumed.

"What about venues that are co-operated by the city?" said Commissioner Mark Harmon.

"No worries," said Lambert, "Knowing we're armed will keep those undesirables out."

Commissioner Sam McKenzie said, "Once you start allowing guns to attend sporting events under their own recognizance, where does it end? What happens when they demand sporting events for weapons only - and they're demanding it at the end of a gun barrel because that's the only way they can? Where do we go from there? Guns-only playgrounds? Do we have guns-only bars, no people allowed, where they serve drinks with names like the Soft-Headed Slug of Whiskey, the Pink Elephant Gun and the Loaded for Bearing Arms? Where does it end, I ask you?"

"Not there," replied Commissioner Brad Anders excitedly. "There's a whole world of drink names to come up with for a guns-only bar! Think about all the shots you could have: the sure shot, the trick shot, the lucky shot, the sniper shot, and - oho - the kill shot!"

That wasn't exactly my point-" began McKenzie.

"Well now, let me see, this is a fascinating subject - Why, you could have the Loaded Magnum!" interjected Commissioner Mike Hammond. "Or the Pistol Whip. How about the Long, Hot, Smoking Barrel with a Twist? And the Muzzle-Loader!"

"Or the 'Muzzle-Lover,'" quipped Commissioner Craig Leuthold.

"Oo, oo, me, me!" screamed "Our" Larry Smith. "I got one: The Saturday Night Special with a Tracer-Bullet Chaser!"

"'Loaded Magnum' makes me think of movie-themed drink names!" exclaimed Commissioner Michele Carringer. "What about the Dirty Harry, the Lethal Weapon, the Do Ya Feel Lucky, Punk, and the Go Ahead, Make My Day? My goodness, this really is making mine..."

"Snark Bites" 09/20-26/09

2009-09-27T08:35:00.000-07:00

9/25

County Magic Director Refuses to Halt Endurance Stunt

But audience's homemade "vanishing act" may upstage him

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - The Knox County Magic Director, who goes by the stage name Blockett the Unbudgeable and is known for his feats of extreme endurance, has outdone himself again. His latest endurance act requires that he remain motionless, frozen in place in his office, with only his paycheck for support. Blockett the Unbudgeable, whose real name is unknown, has refused to end his current stunt despite pleas from an audience who fear for his political life.

Echoing a sentiment he expressed when he first announced the stunt in June, Blockett the Unbudgeable proclaimed that he would remain frozen in place in the magic director's office until his bag of tricks is exhausted.

"I intend to continue working on the diabolic affairs of Knox County as I have since being sworn into office," he said. "There are still some rabbits left in my hat, and I still have a few tricks up my sleeves."

Blockett the Unbudgeable then gave an example of his sorcerous prowess.

"This is a potent popularity charm," he proclaimed. "Learned from ancient fakirs I studied with in the far east recesses of Knox County, once I chant the mystic incantation, you will succumb to my personal magnetism:

O-ah-wesh-ahwuran-auz-kar-my-yar-ween-ahr,
thahdiz-wut-ayed-truh-leeh-laktwobee,
furef-ahwuran-aus-kar-my-yar-ween-ahr,
heveri-wun-vudbee-enluff-vid-mee!

You are now under my thrall."

Charm spells notwithstanding, not all citizens are enthralled with the magic director's routine...

9/22

County Commission to Extend Self-Subpoena Process

"We still haven't gotten to the bottom of us!" proclaims Commissioner Mike Hammond

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - The Knox County Commission will revisit a procedure established last year for investigating itself and extend that power to the County Ethics Committee and the County Audit Committee under a resolution approved Monday by the commission's Finance Committee, which may also use the procedure to investigate itself.

The issue arose because the Audit Committee and the Ethics Committee have recently conducted several acrimonious meetings in which committee members have had fallings out. At the last Ethics Committee meeting, Knox County Commissioner Colonel Doctor Richard M. Briggs, M.D., and ethics committee member Richard Briggs announced the separation of Briggs's divided political allegiances after the two reached an impasse over which political allegiance took precedence.

In that same meeting, the Ethics Committee excused itself from itself on a 3-0 vote amid hurt feelings and bruised egos after a quorum couldn't be reached to vote on whether County Commissioner "Our" Larry Smith's moustache had taunted former County Commissioner Scott "Scoobie" Moore's smirk into outsmirking itself in a smirkiness contest last year.

The procedure under consideration allows commissioners to subpoena themselves as part of an investigation - or simply to liven up commission proceedings. The commission's self-inquisition powers were clarified by then-Law Director John Owings in spring of last year when the panel was considering investigating Mayor Ragsdale for inappropriate and excessive P-card use and itself for grandstanding, wastefulness, violations of the sunshine law and questionable competency in general.

It took Owings several months to pare down a procedure usable by commission. When asked at the time why streamlining the self-subpoena process took so long, Owings sighed, rolled his eyes and said, "Have you ever tried explaining the sunshine law to this crowd? You might as well explain gravity to bricks. We had to 'dumb down' the self-subpoena process. A lot..."

9/20

City Ponders Aping County to Stir Voter Interest

Officials, lamenting lack of interest in city politics, say city politicians "not disrespectful enough"

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Early voting totals suggest that Knoxville could set a record-low voter turnout for the upcoming district-only primary election for five or six or however many Knoxville City Council seats are open this cycle, said Knox County Elections Administrator Greg Mackay.

"If city voters maintain their typical apathy, we're on a pace to be on par with or below previous low voter turnout," said Mackay. "Short of trying some of the county's antics or hog-tying voters and dragging them to the polls, I'm durned if I know what to do."

The two-week early voting period, which ended Thursday, totaled 16.25 votes, as well as almost 4 absentee ballots. That's compared to the 14.5 early voters who cast a ballot during the same seats' last primary election in 2005. (Fractions are tallied for citizens who voted but cast their ballots for ineligible candidates, such as Victor Ashe or the McDonald's Hamburglar). The total turnout among those five races in the 2005 primary, including Election Day voting, was 37. Barely 80 city voters participated in the citywide general election that followed in November 2005, out of more than 100,000 eligible voters. Finding city dwellers who even remember that there was an election in 2005 is a daunting task.

Said Old North Knoxville resident Rip Shorn, "Vote in 2005? What the heck for? The city seems to hum along without me mucking it up by casting ballots for candidates I don't know anything about. Now, if it was a county vote, that's a different story."

"There's an election?" said Sequoyah Hills resident Tipsy Shersatin-Undergarter. "The city still has those? Why aren't the candidates getting themselves in the news like Lumpy, Scoobie, 'Our' Larry and Commissioner Colonel Doctor Richard M. Briggs, M.D., so I'll know who they are?"

"I'd like to see more people vote," Mackay said. "I think more people should vote in local elections, and not just because I'm elections administrator. Well, OK, that's a big part of it. But it's important enough to their day-to-day lives that I'm considering offering free toasters or big-screen TVs to the first 100 voters and hiring press gangs to round up citizens and take them to the polls by force."

"I'm sort of leaning toward drafting a Lumpy or a Scoobie or some of our other more colorful commissioners to run for city seats," said local rabble-rouser Brent Minchey. "These smooth-running council meetings and mind-numbingly noncontroversial candidate debates have me longing for the days when King Vic(tor Ashe) was still practicing the fine art of political payback and trying to build enormous glass-encased Shoppertainment™ complexes on Market Square and leveling potshots at Shurf Tim every chance he got..."

"Snark Bites" 09/13-19/09

2009-09-20T08:52:00.000-07:00

9/18

County Abandons Plans for Anti-Lockett Defense Shield

"After his pay raise, it became obvious the shield wouldn't work," say officials

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - After it was announced that Knox County Law Director Bill Lockett received a substantial pay raise in the current fiscal year, Knox County Commission abandoned plans to erect an anti-Law Director defense shield around the City County Building, crying, "Cap'n, the shields canna' hold!"

Lockett, who seems to radiate chutzpah from every pore, has received $9,840 in raises since taking office in 2008, including an almost $7,000 raise during the current fiscal year, and has shown a remarkable capacity for bravado, brass, brazenness and bunkering down. Despite being rejected as legal counsel by both Knox County Commission and the Knox County school board and being under multiple investigations, Lockett siphons $154,320 a year from the county, drawing away precious funds that the county might have used to erect the defense shield against him.

The county has been casting about for some means to force Lockett from office - or at least surround him with a neutralizing force shield - ever since he disclosed that he had defalcated his former employer by accepting money from clients intended for his law firm. Lockett is now undergoing a criminal investigation by the Sullivan County DA, an ethics review by the Tennessee Board of Professional Responsibility, which oversees lawyer conduct, an IRS criminal unit investigation and has several outstanding parking tickets.

Yet, like the legendary Timex watch that takes a licking but keeps right on ticking or the indefatigable Energizer Bunny that keeps going and going and going, the law director keeps on drawing his regular county paycheck - while the county founders in its search for a way of shielding itself from him.

Initially, commission had planned to install anti-Lockett rocket launchers just inside the entrance to the City County Building, but abandoned that plan when it was realized the devices would never get past the building's metal detectors. Commission then considered bringing in several wild snarks to freely roam the building's hallways - but that scheme fell through when commissioners realized the mouthy beasts would have no effect on the law director but might frighten off other county officials.

Finally, commissioners hit upon the idea of the plastering the entire exterior of the building with a protective shield of "No Defalcation Allowed" signs - only to discard it when they realized that funding for the signs was tied up in the law director's salary. Also, commissioners were unsure who else in county government the signs might apply to...

9/15

Burchett Won't Take Candy from Babies

Mayoral candidate also takes heroic stance against "boneheadedness"

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE -State Sen. Tim Burchett, a candidate for Knox County mayor in 2010, said Monday that he will not take candy from babies of Knox County employees to support his campaign.

"I want the children's photo ops and their parents' respect and support," Burchett said. "But I expect to earn that support with a photogenic smile and generalized promises of a chicken in every bucket and a fish in every barrel. So I don't want their kids' candy. I repeat: I do not want the kids' candy. The last thing I want to create is a situation where the kids are on a terrific crying jag, and I'm left looking like a boneheaded bad guy with sticky fingers in the cookie jar - because obviously, I am not a bad guy since I'm vowing not to pry the lollipops from those tiny, tiny fingers."

Also, county employees who want to attend his Sept. 25 fundraiser need not pay the suggested $50 contribution, he said, "because that would be like shooting the fish in the barrel that I'm promising everyone will have."

He noted that in the past, some county employees were "shook down" for contributions. When it was pointed out that the correct grammatical construction would be "were shaken down," Burchett said he would make a note of it and instructed his staffers to use the phrase "all shook up" in the future...

9/13

Knox County Libraries to Become Bookstores Under New Plan

Proposal explores bingo, boutiques, other means to make library self-sufficient

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - The Knox County Public Library's new five-year budget plan includes a "bombshell" option of becoming a bookstore franchise, taking over UT's library by force, renting some branches as venues for dances and bar mitzvahs and creating a "Bookmobile" that would rush to the aid of bibliophiles everywhere who were threatened by the forces of evil - or, at least, a lack of new reading material.

The system budget has been stagnant the last two years, but demand for services, especially at downtown's Lawson McGhee Library, is growing every day, library officials said, so drastic measures are needed. People are forced to sit on each other for lack of seating, use periodicals for toilet paper, burn shelving for illumination and wait in lines for punch-card driven computers. Plus, thousands of books, including deteriorating 19th-century editions, are being used as kindling to fire the generator that powers the key-punch computers.

"Part of the plan is to reshape this system knowing full well one of the challenges is that no one in Knox County seems to appreciate that library systems cost money to run," said Larry Frank, senior director of library services. "To deal with the very real reality of limited funds, we must think off the bookshelf, color outside the page, play outside the sandbox, step outside the frame, and run without the scissors. How can we change and reshape the system so that it is sustainable? One way is to go for-profit."

The new plan, distributed to Knox County commissioners last weekend, would also consider several locations for a new, $40 million main library to be known as the "Bookcave," according to Ginna Mashburn, co-chair of the Knox County Public Library "Help, We Need Money" Foundation.

Possibilities include the Knoxville Convention Center near the World's Fair Park and a karst sinkhole under Church Avenue and Gay Street. Another possibility is launching a hostile takeover of the University of Tennessee's library system and establishing the county library's new central base in the Hoskins Library Building.

Other options in the plan include "boutique" branches that would sell materials that appealed to the interests of their neighborhoods, such as UT football paraphernalia, John Grisham novels and beer. Alternatively, these branches may be rented out for special events or used as clandestine bingo parlors, from which the library, as the "house," would take a considerable percentage of the profits. The library director would also periodically don a costume to become that Dark and Stormy Knight, the Bookman. Bookman would drive his Bookmobile, equipped with the latest accoutrements to fight boredom, ennui, and illiteracy, to the rescue of those thirsting for current reading materials amidst a barren wasteland of interactive computer games...

"Snark Bites" 09/06-12

2009-09-13T10:29:00.000-07:00

9/11

Group Wants to Give Guns Voting Rights

"Stop treating firearms like second-class citizens," says leader of gun advocacy group

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - A Knox County Commissioner wants to allow guns in parks, at football games and even in commission meetings, but a group originally organized to promote "gun art" says Commissioner Amy Broyles' proposal doesn't go far enough.

Broyles says gun unenthusiasts will be safer if they realize that other people are carrying guns everywhere, including parks, football stadiums and government buildings. She plans to add an item to the commission's agenda Sept. 28 to require handguns to go wherever gun enthusiasts go.

"The bottom line is, guns are carried everywhere, and if we can't beat them, we might as well enjoin them," Broyles said. "Allowing individuals to carry guns doesn't do anything to make our parks, government offices or recreational facilities any safer, but by recognizing they are there, we can take proper measures to deal with the situation - like introducing a fall line of fashion flack jacket and bullet-proof vest ensembles."

But Will Popakapeneu, spokesperson for Gunners United in Artful Respect for and Defense of Depictions of an Oeuvre with Guns (GUARDDOG), which first came together to advocate for government-sanctioned gun-art installations in public places, says Broyles' proposal is not enough.

"GUARDDOG believes any measure short of full recognition of guns' rights is insufficient," said Popakapeneu. "It's time for guns to be recognized for all their contributions to this great nation. Whether you realize it or not, America was built on the blood, threat and fears of firearms. Guns must be given the suffrage - no, that's not right, guns have earned the suffrage, they have earned the right to vote. It's time to stop treating firearms like second-class citizens."

Added GUARDDOG member Walter Pepekay, "Do you have any idea how painful it is for me as a citizen and a gun-lover to tell Ziggy, my Sig Sauer P220 Carry Elite, that he has to wait in the car while I go for a picnic in the park?"...

9/10

Industrial Park Fights Move into 21st Century

Forks of the Tongue Industrial Park businesses say paying taxes for fire protection is "socialistic"

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Lost somewhere in the misty recesses of the last century are the origins of the Forks of Tongue Island Industrial Park fire district. Rumored to have been established a mind-boggingly distant two decades in the past, the fire district was supposedly purchased by business owners on the island from Knox County leaders for several dozen possum skins and about $24 worth of 1982 World's Fair deely-boppers. Yesterday, it was revealed that the park's fire district status is currently a tangled mess.

No records exist from that hazy period in ancient times - almost 20 years ago - when saber-tooth-coat clad county leaders and woolly-mammoth-hide-wearing industrial park business owners met and grunted out the details of the fire-protection arrangement. No records exist because, apparently, writing had not yet been invented in the early 1990s. Had there been a means to do so, no doubt more care would have been taken to preserve accounts of who was responsible for what in the fire district.

Today, no one is sure what businesses are in the Forks of Tongue Island Industrial Park fire district, what the district's boundaries are, or who is responsible for paying for the fire protection. Amidst the confusion, only one fact has emerged: Fire protection tax rates for the district have not changed since the dawn of the industrial park's stone age. And that suits business leaders there just fine.

"We like what we're paying for fire protection, and we don't see any reason for that rate to change - ever," said Forks of the Tongue fire district spokesperson Vera Plucking-Feathers.

Upon realizing that the fire district's records were in complete disarray or utterly non-existent, Knox County leaders leapt into action.

As fast as he could, Knox County Property Assessor Phil Ballard shouted, "It's the trustee's fault!"...

9/8

Obama to tell "bedtime story" to local school boards

Local officials to stick fingers in ears, say "Nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh"

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - After brainwashing school children with his socialist message of staying in school and studying, President Barack Obama announced today that he would set his sights on socializing local school boards in a "bedtime address" to county leaders around the country.

"Now that I've secured the future of socialism by hooking the little children on the mesmerizing power of my voice, I want to tell local school boards a little bedtime story about how their efforts to control the public's use of recording devices at their meetings will backfire," said Mr. Obama. "Not that I'm opposed to controlling the media - I do it, after all - I just think the school boards need a reality check on how bad these efforts makes them look. I'm trying to help them, here - just telling them, do it my way, and you have hope. Don't, and it's 'Every school board left behind' time."

The president then used a fairy tale to emphasize his point.

"Remember how crafty the Big Bad Wolf was, dressing up in Little Red Riding Hood's grandma's nightie and giving those clever answers about 'the better to see you with' and 'the better to hear you with' to keep Little Red off her guard?" he said. "That's what the school boards need to do. Tell the people what they want to hear. It works. Admittedly, the wolf came to a bad end in that one, but charm and guile can carry you a long way. Look how far my silver tongue's carried me, after all. Anyway, the point is, they need to use charm, not intimidation, so I'll tell them the old saw about attracting more flies with honey than vinegar - although why you'd want flies in your honey is something I've never understood."

Local reaction to the president's planned bedtime story was decidedly mixed.

Blount County school policy committee member Jane Morton said, "We won't listen. We'll shut our eyes and stick our fingers in our ears up to the knuckle and go 'Nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh.' That'll show him."

When it was pointed out that if the school board took this course of action, board members wouldn't be able to tell whether members of the public were recording them, Morton responded by shutting her eyes, sticking her fingers in her ears and saying "Nuh-nuh-nuh."...

"Snark Bites" 08/30-09/05

2009-09-06T09:39:00.000-07:00

09/04

Knox County Ethics Committee Excuses Itself from Itself

Related: Ethics committee member Briggs, Commissioner Briggs separate

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - In a surprising affirmation of the aptness of Biblical aphorisms, the Knox County Ethics Committee yesterday became a house divided between itself and could not stand, as members agreed to excuse themselves from the panel en masse.

In a related development, Knox County Commissioner Colonel Doctor Richard M. Briggs, M.D., and ethics committee member Richard Briggs have announce the separation of Briggs's divided political allegiances. The two had been increasingly at loggerheads over questions of commission's authority over the ethics committee. Briggs described the separation as "a painful, but necessary, step toward healing and becoming a more reasonable man."

The announcement comes just a week after Briggs had said he hoped his allegiances could work things out.

The 3-0 vote to excuse the panel from itself came about after a quorum couldn't be arrived at to vote on whether County Commissioner "Our" Larry Smith's moustache had taunted former County Commissioner Scott "Scoobie" Moore's smirk into outsmirking itself last year. Moore brought the complaint against Smith after having been ousted from commission for smirkiness by a judge last Oct. 1.

As a flurry of recusals occurred on the Our Larry moustache-Scoobie smirk vote, frustrations within the committee mounted. The voting controversy began when committee member Briggs began questioning Smith's moustache and Moore's smirk and was in turn questioned by County Commissioner Briggs.

"Was there ever a time when you felt that people might be better off without facial expressions or facial hair," began committee member Briggs...

09/03

School Boards Fear Cameras "Catch Their Bad Side"

"Being on camera just brings out our silly side," says Blount County official

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - The Knox County school board doesn't plan to follow a Tennessee Shy School Boards Association recommendation that might limit the use of cameras or video recorders at board meetings "because the camera adds at least 20 pounds to our figures," but at least one other local school board will.

Blount County has already accepted the recommendation from TSSBA that changes its existing policy regarding news coverage of school board meetings to one that is "more flattering and more protective of our tendency to try to talk with our mouths full of feet," according to Jane Morton, a member of the policy committee.

The new policy states that the press shall not bring cameras to board meetings without the consent of the executive board "unless they promise to capture our good sides and give us time to properly 'vogue' the moment," said Morton, who is a member of the executive board...

09/01

Knox County Government Takes Leave of Absence

Some officials said to have taken leave of senses months ago

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - In the wake of Knox County Auditor Richard Walls's abrupt announcement that he was on an extended leave of absence, it has been revealed that the entire Knox County government has been on leave for some time - the sense of some officials apparently having departed months ago.

"Oh yes, I can definitively confirm that many officials took leave of their senses long before this," said one anonymous county official. "For instance, the law director's discretion appears to have been Away Without Official Leave since at least before the whole defalcation business began a couple of years ago. Other officials' brains are rumored to have gone AWOL as well. I mean, with all the ongoing investigations, the trustee's office, the solid waste department, the mayor's office - well, what else is one to think? And regarding the mayor's office, it's said that the county mayor's mind is still back in Kosovo."

Mayoral spokesperson Dwight Van de Vate refused to say where the mayor's mind was at.

"I can neither confirm nor deny where the mayor's mind is at at any given moment," he said. "Really, I can't. It could be anywhere. Napping in the executive suite, fixing a hole where the rain gets in, reading to the little children in the playground of his mind, wandering behind the little animals - anywhere."

Pressed about the possibility the mayor had left his mind, his heart or other body parts in Kosovo, Van de Vate said, "I honestly can't answer. Because if I say the name of that city, I'm going to get an earworm of that song again. And you have no idea how hard it is to get rid of once you have 'Kosovooo-ooooohhhhnnnnnnnnnnooooooooooooooo!"...

"Snark Bites" 08/23-29

2009-08-30T06:48:00.000-07:00

8/29
Outside Counseling Proposed for Ethics Panel
Commissioners say, "The lawyers will take everything if we don't get help!"

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Knox County Ethics Committee members believe the County Commission that the commission insistence that the couple receive outside relationship counseling will weaken their relationship.

Commissioners recently discussed a plan to bring in three "relationship advisors" to establish rules for the ethics panel and commission to interact by. They also invited the committee members to attend their Sept. 28 meeting, when they will take up the proposal and meet the proposed counselors, Dr. Phil, Dr. Laura and Dear Abby.

Several commissioners say they are concerned that the ethics committee is listening to "nasty rumors" about them and may be swayed by gossip from "ill-intentioned" friends. Commissioners also insist that there is nothing to the rumors that they fear the committee may be hearing about them.

"If you're going to be bringing all kinds of things from the past in and hearing about people being charged with criminal conduct when they were very young and easily swayed, there needs to be a formal set of procedures that's fair to everybody," said Knox County Commissioner Mike Hammond. "My big thing is that they are hearing hearsay and gossip and innuendo and not a word of it is true, that's my story, and I'm sticking to it."

The committee did agree to review its circle of friends and be more equitable in its relationship with commission, but members appear ready to resist any attempt to control their actions.

"If Dr. Laura comes in here and screams 'Do the right thing!' at us, then I know they're trying to emasculate us," said committee member Julia Tucker.

Ethics Committee member and Knox County Commissioner Colonel Doctor Richard M. Briggs, M.D., asked and answered his own question: "Am I a commissioner or a committee member? What kind of question is that for me to ask myself? I'm a doctor, not philosopher, blast it! I don't know how to separate out the committee member from the commissioner! And there's a colonel in there somewhere too..."

8/29
County Audit Committee: Auditor 'Vital' Piece in Chess Match
"I'll take my game and go home if I can't control my pieces," says Chair Joseph Carcello

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - The chairman of the Knox County Audit Committee says he will resign the board if the County Commission reasserts authority over the highly valued game piece, Knox County Internal Auditor Richard Walls.

"If the commission is saying 'We want direct control of the internal audit committee game board,' then there's really no point in playing the game," said Joseph Carcello, a University of Tennessee accounting professor and co-founder of UT's Corporate Governance Center. "Because that's a shell of an audit committee, and the house always wins a shell game. If you remove the auditor from control of the audit committee, then the position becomes a pawn for every political chess player in the county, which makes the auditor more of a political Ping-Pong ball."

The five-player committee, authorized by the state gaming board and established in October 2008 by the commission, is made up of Carcello; Mary Kiser, a UT-Battelle senior internal auditor; and Commissioners Ed Shouse, Finbarr Saunders and Dave Wright. Walls reports to the Audit Committee regarding internal audits - including checks of office football pick 'em pools - and the committee reports to Commission.

Before the establishment of the Audit Committee, Walls bounced between the commission chairman and heads of the Commission's two major committees. At Monday's Commission meeting, commissioners voted to bounce the audit ball to Walls himself.

Carcello read a strongly worded memo to commissioners, noting that all committee players support him and explained why he believes giving Walls his own game would be "ill advised, like touching your tweezers to the metal edge and setting off the red light and buzzer in that 'Operation' board game. If commission asserts its control over the auditor, then Knox County will become like 'Risk,' with several rival camps amassing armies trying to take over the auditor, who'd be sort of like Australia."

"Oh, yeah?" retorted Commissioner Paul Pinkston. "Well, if the audit committee keeps control of the auditor, then 'Risk' is more like 'Monopoly,' because you're monopolizing the auditor position and keeping all that power to yourselves."

"I kind of think of the auditor more like 'Clue,'" mused Commissioner Michele Carringer. "I want us to be able to send him out to investigate and then for him to tell commission where who did which to whom with what. I want to know where the Mr. Bodies are buried in Knox County."

"OK, maybe I went overboard with the board game analogies," sighed Carcello...

8/26
Commissioner, Ex-Commissioner Play "Truth or Consequences"
Meanwhile, Ethics Committee declares independence, forms "more perfect union" without county commission

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Knox County Commissioner "Our" Larry Smith said he didn't lie.

Former County Commissioner Scott Moore says Smith did lie.

Smith says Moore challenged him to a dare that Smith completed.

Moore denies daring Smith.

Moore said Smith called him "Liar, liar, pants on fire!"

Smith said Moore said, "Neiner, neiner weinerhead!" to him, and he isn't even sure what that means.

Moore said, "Did not, did not!"

Smith said, "Did too, did too!"

That was the issue yesterday before the County Ethics Committee, which took up Moore's complaint that Smith lied when competing in a version of "The Dozens" putdown playoff in an October 2007 open playground competition or at the September 2008 "Your Mother" Bowl, during which Moore was ousted.

During the course of the meeting, the ethics committee also digressed into a discussion of the previous day's Knox County Commission meeting, whereupon the committee declared its independence from county commission, saying that "these united committee members are, and of a right, ought to be free and independent committee members, that they are absolved from all allegiance to the county commission, and that all political connection between them and the county commission, is and ought to be totally dissolved..."

8/24
Councilman Hall Would Require Antiaircraft Artillery in Public Spaces
Also wants cowboys to have advantage in "cowboys and Indians"

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Knoxville City Councilman Steve Hall is bringing the heated issues of surface-to-air missiles (SAMs) in public places and armaments in children's games back to the forefront at city council's meeting Tuesday.

Hall is sponsoring a proposal to repeal an existing city ordinance that disallows firearms in public spaces and would instead require that citizens be armed whenever they enter a public space. The proposal would also require that cannons, bazookas, mortars, and "other forms of projectile-type armaments be available in public spaces in case of emergency."

Further, the proposal would ban anyone from carrying bows and arrows, crossbows, slings, battle axes, hand axes, blowguns, javelins, spears, swords, scimitars, pole arms, throwing stars, bolos, whips, chains, weighted saps, harpoons, baby-seal clubs, maces, tridents, daggers, knives, garrotes, sharpened sticks or pointy-ended rocks.

"Those are dangerous items right there, not safe like guns," said Hall.

Hall also said he would prefer in children's games of "cowboy and Indians" that the "cowboys" be armed with firearms while the "Indians" be disallowed from having bows and arrows. "A big concern for safety" is his main reason for proposing the game restrictions, he said...

"Snark Bites" 08/16-22

2009-08-23T07:28:00.000-07:00

08/22
Local Lawsuits "SLAPP"-Happy Lately
Latest suits involve SLAPPy developers, vulgar monkeys

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - In recent days, Knox County lawsuits have been sprouting like mushrooms in this year's copious summer rain - and some of them weren't filed by attorney Herb Moncier, even. Three sprang up this week.

In one development, poor local developer Victor Jernigan is threatening to sue the mighty nonprofit Tennessee Clean Water Network for suing him to "attempt to defang me and deprive me of my right to make a living through my developments, which never, ever have any sort of stormwater violations whatsoever."

In another suit, Brad Majors, a plaintiff in a lawsuit involving Knox County's mulch operations, is suing the county and two key county officials to obtain primates that he contends will prove that County Solid Waste Director Tom Salter sent trained chimpanzees to insult an attorney using Majors' name.

The third suit is whatever is the latest jab Herb Moncier is taking at former Sheriff Tim Hutchison. It also may or may not involve former Knox County Law Director and current Chancellor Mike Moyers, a situation which caused Knox County Chancellor John Weaver to throw up his hands in dismay and announce Friday that he will recuse himself from the suit.

"I have in this case documents filed by Mike Moyers since he has become chancellor," Weaver said in a motions hearing Friday. "How can I find whether he is or is not involved in this case? I don't know, but I know Herb is involved in it, so I think I don't have any choice but to recuse myself from this matter."

The Knox County Chancery Court lawsuit by Majors, who runs the Rocky Holler Mixture Grow Mulch Shop, is against Knox County, Salter, and Bruce Wuethrich, director of the county's Engineering and Public Works Department. It claims that Salter, in a series of e-mails, developed a scheme to send a trained chimpanzee to attorney Mark Napier, who represents Natural Resources Recovery of Tennessee in the ongoing lawsuit by Majors, and play tape-recorded insults to Napier.

Majors' most recent lawsuit, filed Thursday, demands the county comply with the Open Records Act and turn over any primates sent by Salter to Napier with Majors' name on them. For example, the lawsuit states that a monkey dressed in a telegraph delivery boy's costume came to Napier's office with a note pinned to its lapel that read "Brad created a Monk-e-mail-o-gram just for you. Now what did you do to deserve that?" under which the address of "brad@rockyholler.com" appeared. Majors alleges this is not his e-mail address.

The lawsuit contends the chimpanzee had a tape recorder slung around its neck with a Post-It note reading "press here to play" on it. Upon the play button being pressed, the lawsuit alleges "that the monkey mouthed along to the message, making it appear to be a talking chimpanzee that had vulgar language inserted into its vocabulary."

The suit seeks to have Salter permanently "cease and desist" from training vulgar monkeys and have Knox County pay for the "deprogramming and reintegration into primate society" of all chimpanzees affected by the insult-a-gram program.

Salter declined to comment on the lawsuit, but a monkey in his office characterized the suit as "bananas..."

08/18
Ragsdale Won't Say Who Wrote Lyrics for 'Kosovo'
Were song's verses lifted from Kosovo 3rd graders?

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Knox County Mayor Mike Ragsdale won't reveal who wrote the lyrics to "Kosovo," his ode to Eastern Europe, which was supposedly composed during his trip to the eponymous country. But when asked about the junket on Monday, he said, "It was written over there, and no one from the county had anything to do with it."

Before and after a meeting of the Halls Republican Club at the Mandarin House on Maynardville Highway, the mayor's answer gave rise to speculation that the lyrics may have been "inspired" by homework assignments the mayor saw while reading to a group of Kosovo 3rd graders.

Ragsdale briefly addressed reporters' questions as well as some tough questions from audience members about the origin and meaning of the song and the workings of the creative process.

The eight-day trip to several cities in Kosovo was part of a possible citizen-swap program whereby the mayor could acquire some citizens less inclined to question his administration's previous missteps, according to the mayor's office. The trip was paid for by an unnamed business interest, which may be in the lyric-writing sector. Ragsdale and his operatives have repeatedly declined to identify who wrote the "Kosovo" lyrics.

"Other than myself, no one in Knox County government has written song lyrics during my tenure in office, and as far I know, no one in the unnamed business has either," Ragsdale said before his talk to about 50 GOP faithful.

After a speech in which he outlined his administration's accomplishments in reading to children, reading to toddlers and reading to infants, Ragsdale fielded questions from the audience.

Bruce Willis, a sometime-songsmith who has cast doubts on Ragsdale's "stand-up mayor" ambitions and who also started an unsuccessful attempt to have him "gonged" from office, asked if taxpayers were footing the bill for his musical ambitions or if "internal auditor Richard Walls would find spending improprieties in another audit that shows who you paid to write those lyrics."

Ragsdale did not directly answer Willis. Instead, the mayor said Willis wasn't "concerned about whether the lyrics were paid for - you just want to cast aspersions on my songwriting talent."

"Songwriting talent? Song writing talent!" hooted Willis. "That song is execrable! Those lyrics are right out of your left armpit! A 3rd grader could have written better meter..."

08/17
Knox County Hosts Parasite Experts
"It seemed like the ideal environment for up-close study," says one expert

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Hookworms and fluke worms and bureaucrats - oh my.
Like a bad government official, a parasite lives and eats off another organism without giving anything helpful in return. The victim is called, ironically, a "host" - and in the bureaucrat parasite's case, the party's on the taxpayers' tab.

Knox County has been hosting more than 250 parasite experts from several countries this past weekend at the 84th annual meeting of the American Society of Parasitologists at the Crowne Plaza Hotel. This year's meeting was highly anticipated by members of the ASP, as parasitologists flocked from around the world to observe the thriving parasitic activity in Knox County.

"With everything that's been going on in Knox County government, we all just thought this was an obvious location for holding our conference," said Society President Ivan Du Sukublod. "How often do we get the chance to see parasites in their natural habitat? So we were very excited about coming to Knox County. If you ever saw that episode of The X-files with the human fluke worm, well, that's what we're hoping to encounter here."

The theme of the conference is "Parasites on a Shrinking Budget," and more than 140 scientific papers on government leeches are being presented, according to conference organizers. They will range from basic research on parasite economics and how budget change affects parasite behavior to issues surrounding perhaps the most commonly known parasite: bureaucrats.

Government sinecures, poorly supervised programs and some independently elected offices are the most common areas for parasite invasion in Knox County, according to Dr. Rafael Isea, a local government parasitology professor who is helping organize the event. He is a former president of the society as well.

Not every parasite is bad, he insists.

"Some cause horrible scandals, and some cause very little harm to the host while still remaining the life of the party, so to speak," says Isea. "If they go along, doing their little parasitic activities unobtrusively, then you'll never even know they're there, even if they are human fluke worms. It's only when they call attention to themselves by trying to siphon too much off the host that things go bad. We think they're wonderful. We don't want them to cause government inefficiencies or otherwise destroy the county, but we do think they're fascinating. To me, they're not gross - they're part of life's rich pageant..."

"Snark Bites" 08/09-15

2009-08-16T08:57:00.000-07:00

8/15
Ragsdale Explores Balkanizing Knox County
Mayor wants to swap citizens from Balkans, but business "friends" may have other ideas

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Knox County Mayor Mike Ragsdale returned recently from an eight-day trip to Kosovo, where he explored a program of swapping Knox Countians for Kosovars.

"The people of Kosovo are warm, goodhearted folk," said Ragsdale. "I know, because I spent some time among their children, reading to them. I don't know what I was reading, because I don't speak Albanian. For that matter, I don't speak Serbian. I also don't speak Turkish, Romani, or Bosnian either. But they loved me anyway. One taxi driver even said he would send his son and daughter to Knox County to defend me, which was incredibly flattering. He did demand 500,000 Serbian dinars for the bodyguard service, but it's the thought that counts. That's why I'm interested in swapping citizens..."

8/12
Ethics Panel: County Mayor Does Bad Impressions
Ragsdale may still be gonged out of office

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Knox County Mayor Mike Ragsdale, whose "stand-up mayor routine" almost landed him on a revived "Gong Show," which could have gonged him right out of the mayor's office, may not be in the clear after all.

Yesterday, his act received a stinging rebuke from the Knox County Ethics Committee, which found that the mayor does "really bad impressions." The committee is passing its findings on to Knox County District Entertainer General Randy Nichols, who may in turn decide to reconvene a Gong Show panel to review the mayor's act - or if he remains true to form, he'll leave that decision to someone else.

The mayor was found to have committed "official impressions" of Knox County Auditor Richard Walls on at least four occasions.

Walls said, "It isn't so much that the impressions were really bad - they were, don't get me wrong - but that it officially associated me with this government much more closely, which is hugely embarrassing. That hurts my professional standing ... and my dignity..."

8/11
Months Needed to Pry Law Director from Office
"Yes, he's got himself wedged in there, but good," say rescuers

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Emergency workers attempting to free Knox County Law Director from a deep, deep hole he apparently dug in his office floor say it may take months to get sufficient leverage to pry him out.

"Oh gosh yes, he's got himself in waaaa-ay over his head, wedged in too deep, and there just isn't any way we can get any leverage to extract him, so it'll likely take into next year," said Perry Waters, one of several emergency personnel called to the scene.

"Good gracious," was the reaction of Commissioner Ed Shouse. "I'm shocked and disappointed that it's so far out. I was hoping it would be within a couple of months from now. That's an excessively long time for the poor man to wait, all out of his depth like that. Can't they use the Jaws of Life to yank him out?"

"We offered to use the Jaws of Life, but he said he was quite comfortable and preferred to wait to see how things develop," Waters replied.

"I don't understand why they would take months and months," Commissioner Mike Hammond said. "I remember once when I was young and got my hand stuck between the bars of a railing of a fence in the back of some old property, and I had to wait and wait until someone came along and noticed me to get unstuck. But this is different. He's stuck in a well-traveled office. That's noticeable. I'm disappointed they would wait so long to clear him out of there."

"I'm disappointed that they are moving so slowly," observed Commissioner Finbarr Saunders. "Perhaps there's some reason. Maybe he's like a feral animal - ferocious when trapped so they are approaching cautiously to put him at ease..."

"Snark Bites" 08/02-08

2009-08-09T13:25:00.000-07:00

08/06
Inconvenient Voting Rejected
"Our mothers made us do it," say three election commissioners

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Three Knox County election commissioners voted against convenience voting today calling it "inconvenient" and saying their mothers wouldn't approve of their doing such unnatural things. One commissioner even produced a note from his mother saying he was not allowed to vote for modernizing elections.

"If humans were intended to have convenience voting, then why do we have voting precincts?" said Knox County Election Commission Chairman Chris Heagerty. "My momma sent a note with me that says I'm not allowed to modernize our election procedures."

Heagerty then produced the note and showed it to the assembled media. It read, "Convenience voting is against traditional family values and against the way things have always been. Nature made voting precincts, and humans have no business trying to improve on nature."

Heagerty claimed his mother's signature was appended to the note, but the handwriting was virtually illegible, and possibly may have spelled out "Rejina Kines."

Elections Administrator Greg Mackay's proposal would have been used in the upcoming Knoxville city elections and would have eschewed the city's 52 precinct polls. Instead, city voters would have cast ballots at any one of 10 centrally located voting centers during a 20-day window culminating on the Sept. 22 and Nov. 3 election days. Mackay insisted convenience voting would save the county money and vehemently denied it was a plot to disenfranchise mothers.

In explaining his vote, Heagerty emphasized that older and less efficient methods were almost always superior to anything newfangled.

"Things were always better in the good old days," said Heagerty. "Ice cream sandwiches were bigger, they cost less and they were made with real chocolate in the old days. You might have had to walk farther to get one and they might have melted before you got 'em home, but that just made you appreciate 'em the more. It's the same with my momma. She had to walk five miles uphill through the snow both ways just to vote with a paper ballot, and that's the way she prefers it, because it makes it more meaningful."

"Well, my grandma had to walk 10 miles uphill through the snow both ways just vote, and she fought starving wildcats just for that privilege," said Election Commissioner Paul Crilly...

08/04
Group Seeks Public Funding of "Gun Art" Shows
Controversial "guns in public places" proposal has supporters, detractors

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - A group seeking to have "gun art" installations in parks and other Knoxville and Knox County public areas, including government buildings, also desires the government to help fund its efforts.

"Putting officially sanctioned gun art in public places would go a long way toward reducing the apprehension and misinformation that currently plagues the proper appreciation of the role guns have historically played in American society and culture," said Will Caponof, spokesperson for Gunners United in Artful Respect for and Defense of Depictions of an Oeuvre with Guns (GUARDDOG). "We feel this is an imaginative compromise between a total ban on guns in public places and rightful gun freedom."

GUARDDOG also argues that the public safety and public service would be enhanced with public placement of gun art. One idea the group has suggested is installing magnetically "holstered" handguns on pedestals in public parks and other places. These installations would serve as art, allowing those unfamiliar with the quality craftsmanship that goes into firearms to begin to appreciate their beauty. But if a crisis occurred, a licensed gun carrier could swipe a carry permit through an electronic scanner to free the gun from its magnetic holster for defensive use. "And you'd be required to replace any bullets used," said Caponof.

He added that having pass-key-controlled howitzers lining Knoxville's greenways would serve as excellent examples of installation art, "contrasting the severe beauty of their regimented, uniform lethality with the wildlife surrounding them - and they would also be wonderful crime deterrents."

As to the public service aspect of gun art, Caponof said, "Guns bring people from diverse cultures together. Admittedly, when the gun comes out in a public place, those people quickly scatter, but even as they flee, they are united as one in their fear."

Liza Penne-Ziti, Chair of Knoxville's Firearms Elucidation and Arts Reconciliation Subcommittee for Overseeing and Monitoring Lethal Objects, Ornaments, Nonesuchs, Illustrations or Emblems (FEARSOMELOONIE) committee, said that while GUARDDOG's ideas were "provocative" and "unique," such a program would require careful study before any action could be taken...

08/03
City Council Candidates Envious of County's Notoriety
But it's a beautiful day in Knoxville's neighborhoods

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - The Knoxville City Council will undergo its largest turnover in nearly a decade - but will voters notice? The answer appears to be a resounding yawn.

Four or maybe five current council members will rotate off the panel this fall. But no one knows their names, because, apparently, they don't get caught committing "Sunshine Law" violations, censure the mayor and each other, fight turf wars, threaten citizens, employ phantoms, entitle themselves to fat pensions, practice laughable record-keeping, get themselves investigated by the state attorney general, the TBI and the IRS, get themselves removed from office for perjury, get arrested for fabricating documents or defalcate former customers. These appear to be the things people find interesting.

"Yes, the old saying seems to be true, that when you do things right, people won't be sure you've done anything at all," sighed Rob Frost, who may or may not be one of the departing council members. "It's too bad the county gets all the attention, but at the same time, I wish the newcomers the best of luck in not finding themselves in the news."

Now 14, 15 or possible 30 candidates are vying for the vacating city council seats. At a recent meet-and-greet with the media, they shared what they felt was the single most important issue facing their districts.

Robert Marlino, running for the 1st district seat, said, "Since I've been getting out and talking to folks in the district, I'd have to say that the single most important concern that's been expressed to me is strong neighborhoods."

Nick Pavlis, also running for the 1st district seat, disagreed.

"What I'm hearing is a concern about weak neighborhoods," he said. "Nobody's worried about strong neighborhoods; they're worried about the weak ones that might not be able to defend themselves in case of attack..."

"Snark Bites" 07/19-08/01

2009-08-02T09:41:00.000-07:00

7/31
Federal "Cash for Flunkies" Program Suspended
Too many political operatives demand cut of proceeds; local reaction mixed

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - The government has suspended its popular "cash for flunkies" program that buys back old politicians from city and state governments amid concerns that kickbacks to the politicians could quickly use up the $1 billion in rebates for new politician purchases, congressional officials said Thursday.

The Political Sanitation Department called federal lawmakers' offices to alert them to the decision to suspend the program at midnight Thursday. The program offers owners of inept, corrupt or just plain useless politicians $3,500 or $4,500 toward a new, more constituent-oriented civil servant.

Congress last month approved the Initiative to Move Politicians Earlier Away from Career Has-beendom program, known as IMPEACH, to boost democracy and remove some inefficient politicians from local offices. The program kicked off last Friday and was heavily publicized by back-room wheeler-dealers.

Through late Wednesday, 22,782 worn-out party operatives had been purchased through the program and nearly $96 million had been spent. But the wheeler-dealers raised concerns about the politicians demanding large kickbacks in the processing of the deals in the government system, prompting the suspension.

"There's a significant demand for kickbacks in these 'cash for flunkies' deals that make us question how much more funding we can get out of the program," said Holly Wood, a spokesperson for the National Officeholders Organization (NOHO). "The best thing would be for Congress to give us more money - lots more - and we'll see that these politicians are taken care of..."

7/30
Mayor's Office Blames TVA for Auditor's Charges
TVA blames Knox County mayor's office for coal-ash dike failure

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - On the heels of a damning report on TVA's failure to take steps to prevent a massive coal-ash dike blowout, the agency is also being blamed by the Knox County mayor's office for charges level at the mayor's staff by the county auditor.

TVA President and CEO Kilmore Trout responded by blaming the Knox County mayor's office for the failure of TVA's coal-ash dam, among other charges. In dueling press conferences, the accusations flew.

"TVA's taking the heat for everything else around here these days," explained mayoral representative Dwight Van de Vate at Knox County Mayor Mike Ragsdale's press conference. "Why shouldn't they take the blame for this too? With the trouble they're in, it's not going to make a difference. So TVA takes responsibility for the various things the county auditor says we've done, Congress slaps them on the wrist, and everybody's happy. Perfect solution."

The charges against the mayor's office include official persecution and using the bully pulpit to be bullies.

Trout retaliated by claiming the mayor's office was responsible for the failure of the coal-ash dike.

"At first, we thought giant slugs sabotaged the dike," said Trout. "But it appears it was actually damaged by shrapnel from all the egos exploding in the City County Building."

An official investigation by TVA's inspector general found that TVA management was responsible for ignoring warnings for more than 20 years about the safety of the fly ash-pond, refusing to accept responsibility for its arrogance and limiting the scope of the investigation into the disaster to bolster its legal defense against lawsuits, plus kicking dogs and stealing candy from tiny, tiny babies.

"We're going to find out who's responsible for this, and it isn't going to be me," said Trout. "It's Knox County Mayor Mike Ragsdale's fault. Heads are going to roll in that office, and changes are going to be made. For one thing, there's going to be more bodies without heads..."

7/28
Knox County Auditions New Scandals
"Stand-up commissioner" "Lumpy" Lambert steals show

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - With the state district attorney's office investigation into the mayor's office over and done, Knox County Commission yesterday held auditions for new scandals to entertain citizens. They found what they were looking for - but one of their own stole the show.

Commissioner Greg "Lumpy" Lambert, who recently made headlines with his disruptive behavior at a series of Ridge, Slope and Hillside Development Task Force meetings, opened the show. In the task force performances, Lambert billed himself as "The Hillside Wrangler" and later deemed his outrageous antics merely part of an ongoing performance art show.

Commissioner Tony Norman demanded that commission review Lambert's act and decide whether it was worthy of censure. Norman claimed Lambert's performance was 100 percent out of control, "lacking the discipline and timing to rise to the level of true performance art," and noted that performance was about more than emotion.

Lambert then launched into his routines, including "Is That a Pistol in Your Pocket or Are You Sad to See Me," a comedic reflection on the travails of becoming known for carrying a weapon, "Lumpy Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest," an interpretative dance refuting accusations of his instability, and "Who'd Hold Rocky Top," an impassioned rap on his family's ridge-top holdings and private property rights.

Former appointed County Commissioner Victoria DeFreese, voting via video-satellite link from the location of her latest photo shoot, gave Lambert's efforts a thumbs-up, saying, he's got that je ne sais quois, that certain...something. He's definitely got it."

"No, Halls has that," said Commissioner Mark Harmon. "Whatever Commissioner Lambert's got, I hope it's not catching..."

7/25
Loose Snark Terrorizes County Mayor's Staff
Staffers say creature remains at large in City County Building

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - A lost animal got loose in County Mayor Mike Ragsdale's sixth-floor suite in the City County Building Friday, terrorizing staff and escaping into the broader confines of the City County Building - all, apparently, without the mayor's knowledge.

Snarks are small, pale, and almost hairless primates with a retiring disposition. Characterized in the National Audubon Society Field Guide to Snarks as "part thesaurus, part jellyfish, and all mouth," snarks are considered mostly harmless, except for a single defensive mechanism - they are capable of emitting powerful blasts of hot air.

It is uncertain how the snark came to be in the county administrative suite. The mayor's administrative chief, Dwight Van de Vate, dismissed a rumor that an employee of the mayor had brought the creature to the office.

"Who in their right mind would bring a thing like that in here?" he said. "Look, I like most animals. I even like snarks. But I believe there should be a bright line between the mayor's office and the rest of the world."

Mayoral aides attempted to corner the snark in an outer office, but the frightened animal shied away from all advances. Susanne Dupes, the mayor's spokesperson, then snatched an antique musket nicknamed "The Intimidator" off the office wall and attempted to shoo the beast out of the room with it. Apparently confused, the snark instead darted into the mayor's office.

That, Van de Vate said, is when pandemonium truly broke loose.

"With it running around loose in there, we feared it might try to open the mayor's desk drawers," Van de Vate explained. "And nobody gets into the mayor's drawers..."

"Snark Bites" 07/12-18

2009-07-19T07:39:00.000-07:00

7/17
County Government Simulators a Howling Success
Machines allow users to experience government inaction

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Everywhere you go in the Cedar Bluff Best Buy store, you hear the sounds of county government at work. While "working county government" may sound like an oxymoron, these sounds of government at work are not, of course, sounds of actual government. It's virtual government.

The front of the store resembles a mini-City County Building, with kids and adults alike hopping into several "County Government In-Action" simulators to try their hand at running the county - into the ground. Shrieks and howls of delight burst from the devices, as citizens experience a "virtual reality" of political grandstanding, backstabbing, incompetence and corruption.

Knox County Elections boss Greg Mackay says the simulators are intended to educate citizens about how government works, not give them a taste for the thrill of political dirty tricks. But Eli Scoumin, area manager for public indifference to government, doesn't care whether that strategy is working, as long as people are playing.

"People have been in them pretty much open to close," Scoumin said. "They're never empty. At one point, people were making back-room deals and forming political factions in order to cut line to get back into the machines. Like political power, a virtual reality political experience is addictive, so I'd say it's a pretty successful simulation."

The simulator, which uses a Sony PayNation 3 government stimulus adapter package with titles like "Grand Theft Automatic," "TVAhole," "Herb Moncier's knoX-files," "Let's Make a Ragsdeal," "Pocket Lockett Stimulator," "Kickbacker: Extreme Edition," and "Quid Pro Quo Pro 2009," also has aided sales for those products, he said...
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/07/county-government-simulators-a.html

7/14
Brawl Over Land-Use Rights Erupts at Music Club
Fight at Valarium also sparked by dispute over "heavy metal" categories

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - The first in a series of public meetings to gather input on the best ways to preserve land without curbing property rights erupted into a brawl last night over a proposal to restrict playing certain types of heavy metal music on ridge-top developments.

The fight broke out at the Valarium music club on Blackstock Avenue in Knoxville during the public meeting on ridge, slope and hillside development held by a joint city-county task force and the Metropolitan Planning Commission.

Who threw the first punch remains a mystery, but emotions ran high during an argument over categories of metal music. The anger boiled over after a county commissioner declared that his family had "listened to death metal for generations" and that he had "an absolute right to play whatever metal I want on my property."

At the beginning of the meeting, task force Co-chairman and County Commissioner Tony Norman said that heavy metal music is "something that affects everyone. You can't walk anywhere for any length of time without hearing metal emanating from some passing vehicle - LOUDLY. If we have people on ridge tops playing any kind of metal music they want, it's going to rain down like acid on the ears of people living in the valleys below."

Norman then went on to list several categories of metal music, including classic metal, goth metal, British metal, pop metal, power metal, glam metal, speed metal, progressive metal, thrash metal, thrashcore metal, alternative metal, black metal, death metal, doom metal, death-doom metal, hardcore metal, grindcore metal, metalcore metal, industrial metal, post-punk metal, funk metal, reggae metal and rap metal.

Norman also noted that the list "was not exhaustive..."
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/07/brawl-over-land-use-rights-eru.html

7/12
County Officials to Do 'Shakespeare on the Mayor'
Will lampoon selves with selections from "A Comedy of Errors," other of the Bard's works

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Knox County Mayor Mike Ragsdale and other county officials will be roasted in a special Shakespeare on the Square performance by the Knox County Government Performance Art Company - the same group the brings Knox Countians tragicomic gems like county commission's monthly meetings, Mayor Ragsdale's periodic press conferences and County Law Director Bill Lockett all the time.

"We'll brave the slings and arrows of outraged critics to be the best Shakespeareans ever - or not to be," laughed head performance artist and Knox County Commissioner Greg "Lumpy" Lambert.

Added Lambert's fellow tragedian, "Our" Larry Smith, "We'll do things like having Sheriff Jimmy 'J.J.' 'Good Times' Jones yell, 'Cry havoc and let slip the squad cars of war,' in his battle over a countywide take-home vehicle policy. You'll hear Paul Pinkston doing Hamlet with, 'The play's the thing, wherein I'll catch the conscience of the Mayor-King,' on his attempts to pin the mayor on something, anything."

"Yes, it's loaded with goodies," continued Lambert enthusiastically. "There's a bit on Mayor Ragsdale reading 'Much Ado about Nothing' to the children. And we have Commissioner Colonel Doctor Richard M. Briggs, M.D., say 'The patient must minister to himself' - because it just cracks us up to have him say that. We hope audience members can laugh themselves into stitches, because we'll be laying it on with a trowel."

Although the performance is billed as drawing on "A Comedy of Errors," Lambert says the show will actually encompass all of Shakespeare's works.

"We use that 'Comedy of Errors' bit in our promotions because that's how most citizens are likely to view Knox County government, even if in actuality it may be more akin to the Bard's tragedies," explained Lambert. "But what we're doing is actually far more exciting. We're taking snippets from all of Shakespeare's works, seasoning them with references to current county events, leavening in a lot of broad interpolation, extrapolation and interpretation to arrive at a feast of language, which lights trippingly on the tongue. I know some will scoff that unquiet meals make ill digestions, but small cheer and great welcome makes a merry feast, for 'tis an ill cook that cannot lick his own fingers."

Challenged to explain what his last sentence - which sounded like unrelated Shakespeare quotes strung together nonsensically - actually meant, Lambert turned to Commissioner Mark Harmon...
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/07/county-officials-to-do-shakesp.html

"Snark Bites" 07/5-11

2009-07-12T12:45:00.000-07:00

7/11
Engineer Says TVA Ash Spill Resulted From Dike Burst
In other news, water is wet and boo-boos are ouchy

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - A $3 million study blaming a massive coal ash spill at TVA's Kingston Fossil Plant on a complex combination of structural factors and giant slugs is wrong, says an engineering expert who evaluated the disaster for his own clients.

Barry Switzer, who designs facilities similar to TVA's Kingston plant, doesn't buy the exotic conclusion of Tennessee Valley Authority consultant IMBOT Inc. that the spill was due mainly to mountainous slugs that liquefied the soils in the area thus destabilizing the dike and leaving behind vast trails of slime.

"That wasn't an explanation," Switzer said. "That was smoke and mirrors. I've been designing hydraulic-fill structures similar to the Kingston Fossil Plant landfill for 30 years, and I've never lost one to titanic slugs."

In a report shared with regulators, Switzer concludes the Dec. 22 breach that sent 5.4 million cubic yards of toxic-laden muck into the Emory River and a lakeside neighborhood had a simple explanation.

"It ain't rocket science," contends Switzer, president of Knoxville-based Sooner-Cowboys Environmental Associates Inc. "And it's not giant slugs from outer space. It was a plain old dike that burst."

No people were injured in the resultant flood, but TVA claims it must have killed the Leviathan-like gastropods responsible for the dike failure. The disaster was one of the worst of its kind in the United States and has brought new attention to the risks and lack of regulation of coal ash storage sites around the country. It also has sent authorities scrambling for methods to deal with rogue, mutant slugs and caused a run on government salt reserves...
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/07/engineer-says-tva-ash-spill-re.html

7/10
Dense "Brain Fog" Advisory for County Officials
Brain-foggy conditions may force officials to stay home; citizen reactions differ

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - A dense brain fog advisory was issued this morning for Knox County officials, and Knox Countians heading into downtown were urged to use extreme caution around anyone suspected of being connected with county government.

The National Political Weather Service office issued the advisory early Friday morning, stating it might clear off around 2010.

Despite the brain fog advisory, many Knox County leaders insisted on showing up for work Friday morning.

"In some jobs, brain fog is an occupational hazard," said Dwight Van de Vate, chief administrative officer for County Mayor Mike Ragsdale. "In my position, it's a godsend."

Added mayoral Chief of Staff Mike Arms, "I like the cool, refreshing feeling of the damp, gray-matter vapor settling around my head - it keeps the workings of my mind shrouded in mystery - even from me."

In the City County Building, particularly dense fog surrounded the offices of Knox County Law Director Bill Lockett, intensifying whenever Knox County citizens or county commissioners approached with the latest demand for his ouster. Outside the county law offices alone, three hallway crashes occurred - two of them suspected of being brain-fog-related. Inside the offices, not even the faint outlines of Lockett's familiar shape could be seen.

A thick, malodorous cloud also hung over the Knox County Solid Waste Department - whether caused by the brain fog or the county's contracted mulch facility was impossible to tell. However, since the doings of that department are increasingly inscrutable, the impenetrable particulate curtain was business as usual...
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/07/dense-brain-fog-advisory-for-c.html

7/9
Knox County Opens New Political Playground
New "neutral turf" park allows politicians to run, jump and frolic openly

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Lumpy and Scoobie, a pair of enthusiastic political hounds, became the first official politicians to visit Knox County's newest political playground last week, making a mad dash onto the turf, then running, tumbling and barking delightedly.

Their owners, Deb and Ell Loper, arrived within minutes of the official ribbon-cutting at the Tommy Schumpert Political Playground.

"It's nice having this in the neighborhood," said Ell as he hurried along through the gates with Lumpy. "It's good to have a place where they can sort of stretch their legs and interact without sniffing, feeling threatened or having to assert dominance."

Knox County Mayor Mike Ragsdale said the project is largely the product of politician's suggestions from all across the county.

"We really wanted to include the politicians because they're the ones who are going to be using this playground," he said.

The four-acre political pet area is just one of the facilities at the 173-acre park off Rifle Range Road in North Knox County. The park, named for former County Executive Tommy Schumpert, also includes a variety of games and rides, a confession area and a place where the politicians can "play ball" in full public view.

"It's going to be great for us," said developer Tim Graham, who interacts with county politicians in places besides public playgrounds. "I think it will give the politicians something to be proud of and work toward as a reward for good behavior and time served."

Schumpert, a two-term county executive in the 1990s, joined other county leaders to cut the ribbon on the park.

"I can't express in words what this means to me," he said. "It's not for Tommy Schumpert. It's for all future county politicians."

Knox County Mayor Mike Ragsdale proposed the playground in 2005 on land that was purchased during Schumpert's administration for an amusement park. "Better leadership came in and had the vision to make it a political playground and an amusement park," Schumpert said, referring to Ragsdale.

The public is also welcome at the park - in selected areas and during restricted hours, of course. Supporters say it will give citizens the opportunity to observe politicians interacting in a more natural, uninhibited way than during meetings and workshops. Some of the amusement park attractions will also offer educational opportunities for the politically naive...
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/07/knox-county-opens-new-politica.html

7/7
Trustee Office Tries to Retake Scandal Crown
But scandal observers say mayor's refusal to sign law director censure out-scandalizes trustee flap

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Knox County Trustee Fred Sisk's office Monday was trying to regain the scandal limelight with a dispute over an employee's paycheck. However, most observers say the trustee will have to be far more shocking to divert attention from other county imbroglios - especially with the mayor's refusal to sign county commission's censure of county law director Bill Lockett competing for attention.

"Look, back in March we grabbed the headlines for several days with this same employee's P-card purchase of The Sopranos on Blue-ray and other audiovisual supplies," said Sisk. "I realize that in the intervening months some fairly spectacular scandals have occurred - the take-home vehicle fight, the mayor's budget, a Knox County deputy from Union County trying to corral the county charter in Nashville, and, of course, the walking, talking, 24/7 outrage generator that is the law director, among others. But really, it's time for us to get back in the spotlight, and I can't think of a more reliable way to proceed than with a little paycheck dispute drama. It's a solid performer."

At the heart of the disagreement between Sisk and delinquent-tax supervisor and online payment manager Herb Tarlek are Tarlek's claims for 141,000 hours of sick leave and comp time plus overtime pay for the Fourth of July holiday, which Sisk says Tarlek is not entitled to.

"Fourth of July? No way," said Sisk. "We might pay employees to take days off to shop before Christmas, but we don't pay for the Fourth of July. As far as the sick pay and comp pay, he lost track of where he was a little bit - not every employee keeps track of that like they should now that the payroll department is tracking our time and the TBI is reviewing our files. He might be due a few thousand of those hours, but not the whole 141,000. And if this brouhaha isn't scandal-worthy, then my name's not Mike Lo- I mean, Fred Sisk..."
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/07/trustee-office-tries-to-retake.html

"Snark Bites" 06/28-07/04

2009-07-10T09:41:00.001-07:00

7/3
TVA Tries Sending Inspection Reports Directly to Landfills
Field notes, press releases to go immediately to dump, too

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - The Tennessee Department of Environment Oversight, in the Sense of Overlooking, Not Overseeing (TDEOSONO) has approved test runs of four area landfills for the disposal of inspection reports, public-information documents and other materials related to the Dec. 22 coal fly-ash spill at the Tennessee Valley Authority's Kingston Fossil Plant.

In a statement issued Wednesday, TDEOSONO spokeswoman Trisha Cabrini-Green said TVA would be permitted to send five to 10 truckloads of reports and public-access documents - as well as any investigative journalism stories TVA successfully stonewalls - to each landfill under the agreement. The failure of a coal-ash disposal pond at the Kingston power plant dumped 5.4 million cubic yards of reports, memos and press releases - enough to fill 450,000 dump trucks - into the surrounding communities.

Cabrini-Green said that after the revelation that the field notes of the inspector who was the last to scrutinize the coal-ash pond at the Kingston Fossil Plant disappeared from his desk, TDEOSONO decided to bow to reality and start allowing TVA to begin sending materials relevant to the disaster directly to landfills.

Cliff Buttersquash, a Tennessee Valley Authority engineer, said in a deposition that his Oct. 22, 2008, inspection of the fly ash pond was the first he'd ever conducted, and while he responded to the Dec. 22 collapse at the facility, the notes disappeared. He specifically and emphatically stated in his deposition testimony that he had not taken the notes with invisible ink...
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/07/tva-tries-sending-inspection-r.html

7/1
City Ordinance Would Force Hopeless Politicians Out of Knoxville
Policy primarily aimed at keeping county politicians from asking for handouts

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - A proposed city ordinance ostensibly aimed at improving access to developers in the downtown and Downtown North corridor could soon force Knox County's hopeless politicians outside the city limits for most of the day.

Knoxville City Council members gave unanimous approval to the draft ordinance on first reading without discussion Tuesday. It would prohibit any county politician from sitting down to lunch with developers or lying down with dogs, metaphorically speaking, between the hours of 7 a.m. and 9 p.m. throughout the downtown core and along lower Broadway and North Central Street.

City officials have targeted the Broadway-Central corridors as a redevelopment area, hoping to draw skittish developers there to invest in making the district a pedestrian-friendly, mixed-use residential and commercial area just north of downtown. And they say they don't need hopelessly handout-addicted county politicians scaring away those mercurial yet money-hungry development-seeking creatures by pestering them for favors.

Bob Whetsel, the city's director of developer attraction, said developer access is an integral part of that.

"In order to have good developer connections, you need good, open-air interactions, with lots of sunshine and far away from dimly lit back rooms," he said...
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/07/city-ordinance-would-force-hop.html

6/30
Group seeks 'Double-Super' Ouster of Lockett
In other news, local attorney Herb Moncier aims for suit-filing world record

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - County Law Director Bill Lockett, already beleaguered by multiple efforts seeking his removal, faces yet another, as a half-dozen people said Monday they'll begin working to file a "double-super" ouster complaint against him. The group hopes to file a complaint in Chancery or Circuit Court and ask for an immediate hearing to seek Lockett's ouster, said an organizer of Monday's meeting, General Sun Tzu.

"It is the rule in war, if ten times the enemy's strength, surround them; if five times, attack them; we have the strength to attack and hold the momentum to start collecting signatures, and the time to strike is now," Tzu said. "We will go to each commissioner and ask for a representative from each district, for when torrential water tosses boulders, it is because of its momentum. When the strike of a hawk breaks the body of its prey, it is because of timing."

Tamara Shepherd, an organizer of the Lockett Recall Initiative that aims to put Lockett's recall before voters next year, is interested in being a plaintiff in an ouster suit too. "I would be willing to join the suit," said Shepherd. "Because if something is the right thing to do once, isn't it equally right to do it twice? Didn't Sun Tzu say something like that?"

"No," replied Tzu.

"But you did say 'opportunities multiply when they are seized,' didn't you?" insisted Shepherd.

"Well, yes..." admitted Tzu.

"Same difference," said Shepherd.

Two of the four commissioners who attended the meeting - Mark Harmon and Ed Shouse - said they would join the ouster suit if needed.

However, Commissioner Colonel Doctor Richard M. Briggs, M.D., said elected officials suing elected officials becomes "politicized - of course, admittedly, it's hard to say how an office-holder committing malfeasance isn't already 'politicized' - but I guess I mean there's politicized and then there's double-super politicized..."
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/06/group-seeks-double-super-ouste.html

"Snark Bites" 06/21-27

2009-06-28T05:26:00.000-07:00

6/26
Cheeto War 'Harmful' to County, Officials Say
Hammond wants dietitian to settle Ragsdale-Walls snack battle

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Key Knox County officials said Thursday an escalating junk-food dispute between county Mayor Mike Ragsdale and county Auditor Richard Walls has become personal and is damaging to county food consumption.

Joe Carcello, chairman of the Knox County Audit Committee, said the mayor and auditor's relationship is poisoned - and so possibly are their Cheetos - and Commissioner Mike Hammond has called for a professional dietitian to settle their differences.

Ragsdale and Walls have been hurling the cheesy bits of salty goodness at each other for months. But now, observers say, the food fight is intensifying. Reportedly, the mayor called Walls "Cheeto-breath" and Walls shot back, with devastating accuracy, "Cheeter!"

Walls, who favors the baked puffs, says the mayor, a fried curls devotee, brought a giant-size bag of off-brand fried cheese snacks to Walls' office the next day and threatened to make the accountant "eat it." The mayor denies that version of events, saying Walls had talked about buying some of the delicious curly cheese bites from him, and Ragsdale had merely thought the extra-large bag of cut-rate cheese doodles was a good way for Walls to economize.

"The food feud is personal and gastronomical," said Carcello, Ernst & Young professor of accounting and co-founder and director of research for the Corporate Snack Consumption Center at the University of Tennessee - and a plain potato chips man himself. "Clearly, Richard dislikes Ragsdale's Cheetos and Ragsdale dislikes Richard's Cheetos - but they both love their Cheetos. There's personal animosity between them - and no snack food is safe in the midst of that simmering testosterone. Any time you see two guys attack each other with junk food, you know its personal. I'm not sure they need a dietitian. They may need a psychologist."

The animosity between the two sides was ratcheted up a notch Wednesday when Walls filed a sworn complaint with the county Ethics Committee, accusing the mayor of bringing bags of "crushed and mangled" baked Cheetos to him and eliminating Walls' 2010 Cheeto budget and giving that snack money to the Audit Committee.

"Those puffy Cheetos seem pretty harmless, but those fried ones, they're like little cudgels," said Hammond, who has a fondness for M&Ms. "If you went to whaling on someone with one of those, you might leave some bruises. But what if they escalate to Doritos? Those chips have sharp points, which could really do some damage. Other snack items could be equally harmful. That's why I favor M&Ms - they melt in your mouth, not whop you up side the head..."
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/06/cheeto-war-harmful-to-county-o.html

6/25
Mayor, Auditor Agree: "We Need Fresh Outrages"
Headline-deprived duo says TVA, law director getting too much attention

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Saying TVA and Knox County's law director were getting entirely too much media attention, Knox County's auditor and mayor yesterday accused each other of wrongdoing in an effort to attract interest.

County Auditor Richard Walls alleged Knox County Mayor Mike Ragsdale knocked him down, stole his lunch money and spread mean rumors about him with the in-crowd in county government. Ragsdale countered that abusing Walls was the only way he could get the media's focus off Knox County Law Director Bill Lockett.

At a press conference, Ragsdale blamed "lazy media persons" for his actions against Walls, saying reporters were not "dutifully attending to ongoing outrages" in the mayor's office.

"If you would just pay more attention to me, you'd have plenty of scandal to report on, without resorting to the likes of the law director," exclaimed the clearly exasperated Ragsdale.

"We're having to fight for coverage here," continued Ragsdale. "I mean, where's my coverage? Look it, a couple of days ago, the county redistricting fight was on the front page - and those fight don't hold a candle to some of my barn-burners with commission - although if half of what was said in those redistricting meetings got reported, I'd probably never get back in the headlines. Hoo-boy, that Commissioner Carringer, she's a firecracker, isn't she?" ...
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/06/mayor-auditor-agree-we-need-fr.html

6/24
Redistricting Group Tries to Put Humpty Dumpty Together
Unable to solve redistricting, panel attempts other insoluble puzzles

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Increasingly frustrated with its inability to settle on one redistricting plan, the Knox County Redistricting Committee on Tuesday added a third proposal to the pool of finalists and then turned its attention to other timelessly inscrutable mysteries.

The committee began its next impossible task - trying to put Humpty Dumpty back together again - after commissioners grew stubbornly intractable over even minute changes to their districts called for in the district plans under consideration. Plan 7A, for instance, which puts no incumbents at risk of losing their districts, was nonetheless the target of objections hurled by residents and politicos alike.

Commissioner Michele Carringer sparred with fellow Commissioner Amy Broyles over the plan, which would shift the Gresham ward in Fountain City from Carringer's 7th District, which includes Halls, to Broyles' 2nd, which includes North Knoxville and part of Fountain City.

"When I say Gresham will stay in the 7th District," said Carringer in rather a scornful tone, "that means just what I choose it to mean - neither more nor less.'

"The question is,' said Broyles in rather a threatening manner, "whether you can make a district be what you want it to be."

`The question is," replied Carringer, "which is to be master - that's all."

"We aren't through the looking glass," declared Broyles. "Power is master here. The 2nd District will take Gresham - by force if necessary."

Shot back Carringer: "Only when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers."

Dave Wright then interjected that he objected to any plan that would remove a single cubic millimeter of turf from the 8th District he represents, "even it's Plan 9 from outer space..."
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/06/redistricting-group-tries-to-p.html

6/23
Commission Votes to Use Law Director as Stormwater Barrier
But commissioners decline to create special 24/7 "Lockett Line"

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - The Knox County Commission voted 18-1 Monday to ask the state attorney general to determine whether county Law Director Bill Lockett's admitted misappropriation of clients' money is grounds to oust him from office and use him as a stormwater barrier in one of several local developments in need of runoff protection.

Stormwater experts warned that employing a law director for uses not specifically intended could have unexpected consequences, but the resolution's sponsors said their duty to Knox County taxpayers is their overriding concern.

Lockett admitted to the county's pension board on May 26 that he kept clients' payments intended for his former law firm, Kennerly, Montgomery & Finley, before taking office last August - although he maintains that he did so on his own time, after business hours. Lockett also pocketed a $10,000 loan from developer Tim Graham shortly before taking office last year, as well as an undetermined number of other loans from undisclosed lenders, the firm has said. Lockett says these clients were merely playing "Secret Santa."

Commissioners debated over term definitions and what course of action to pursue for about 9,000 minutes before voting. The law director has been decommissioned for commission meetings, so Deputy Law Director Joe Jarret advised commissioners on the legal issues. To begin with, Jarret explained the difference between an ouster suit and a recall.

"An ouster suit is a civil court proceeding and a recall is something manufacturers issue when they discover there's something wrong with one of their doohickeys and they don't want to get sued," said Jarret. "For example, Knox County Voters, Ltd., a manufacturer of law directors, has issued a recall for all county law directors created and installed in Knox County in 2008."

Jarret drew praise from commissioners for his handling of such trying circumstances. "Rah, rah! Go, go, Joe!" cried the commissioners.

Despite Jarret's assistance, the debate took some surprising turns.

"I want to set up an all-Lockett, all the time, 24/7 hot line for citizens who have had contact with the law director," declared Commissioner Amy Broyles. "And I want to run public service announcements saying, 'If this man has approached you for a loan, call the Lockett Line, toll-free, at 1-800-whatever.'"

"I want to deal with the law director, too, but that's silly," said Commissioner Brad Anders.

"Say that to voters in my district, and they'll introduce you to the 'Knox U.' school of silly," said Broyles.

"Knox U.?" asked Anders quizzically. "Where's that?"

"It's where you tell my constituents that their concerns are silly and they let loose a tirade that knocks you silly," explained Broyles...
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/06/commission-votes-to-use-law-di.html

"Snark Bites" 6/14-20

2009-06-21T07:33:00.000-07:00

6/20
Herb Moncier's KnoX-files
The truth is out there. Way, way out there

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Local attorney and county government lawsuit-maestro Herb Moncier is summoning FBI Agents Mulder and Scully to investigate a vast conspiracy that he alleges permeates the hallways and back rooms of the City County Building and extends all the way to New Mexico.

In his lawsuit, filed this week, Moncier asserts that the Knox County law director's office has been clandestinely controlled for the past 200 years by a succession of secret societies, including the Illuminati, the Knights Templar, the Rosicrucians, the Freemasons, the Skull and Bones Society and the "pod people" from Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Communists, fluoride activists and Flat Earth Society members may also be involved, but the suit is not clear on that point.

The suit maintains that the law director's office is currently controlled by Elvis Presley from a bunker under Area 51 outside Roswell, New Mexico. The suit's explanation of Elvis' goals is murky, but Elvis seems to be intent on preserving a level of ineptitude in county government by somehow enticing voters to keep voting for the same officials over and over again.

Defendants are former Knox County Law Director John Owings, Elvis, the Smoking Man, the One-Armed Man, the Second Shooter on the Grassy Knoll, and any "aliens impersonating government officials in Knox County."

Moncier declined to speak about the lawsuit. Elvis, the Smoking Man, the One-Armed Man and the Second Shooter were either unavailable for comment or dead Friday afternoon. Mulder would say only that he could trust no one, Scully muttered "Sure...fine...whatever," and Owings said he had yet to see the complaint.

"I'll withhold comment on the suit until I've had an opportunity to read it," Owings said Friday afternoon. "But, for the record, I believe the King is dead..."
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/06/herb-monciers-knox-files.html

6/18
Manufacturer Issues Recall for Faulty Law Directors
Defective conscience, malfunctioning moral compass cited as reason

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - A manufacturer of county law directors yesterday issued a recall for all county law directors created and installed in Knox County in 2008. A spokesperson for the firm, Knox County Voters, Ltd., cited "defective consciences, malfunctioning moral compasses and other faulty parts" as reason for the action.

"Yes, some wires really got crossed somewhere in that piece of work," said spokesperson Brian Paone. "It looked OK coming off the assembly line, but clearly we need to institute more rigorous quality control measures."

The manufacturers warned that users of misfiring law directors may experience moral ambiguity and crises of conscience and advised users to immediately wash their hands, check their wallets and seek a second opinion. Other legal entities exposed to the malfunctioning mouthpiece may need to have their ethics examined by a professional.

Paone warned that faulty law directors could begin to display behavior utterly contrary to their programming.

"In models where the conscience and the moral compass are defective, law directors may start collecting money from clients without properly accounting for it or taking in loans but not reporting them," said Paone. "Things just don't tally up right when the moral compass goes haywire in the law director thingamajig."

Flaws in those parts then begin to affect every aspect of a law director's performance, Paone explained.

"Essentially, the law director can't perform its job," he said. "These malfunctioning parts, which are vital for keeping any lawyer in good working order, quickly impact most of a law director's higher functions. In short order, its ability to communicate is inhibited and its primary function, representing and advising county departments in legal matters, is wholly compromised. Curiously, its ability to draw paychecks remains unimpaired..."
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/06/manufacturer-issues-recall-for.html

6/16
Law Director: "I Still Have Work to Do"
Shuffling papers, sharpening pencils, Lockett keeps busy

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Declaring "I'm still in charge of the law director's office," Knox County Law Director Bill Lockett today announced a major rearrangement of the office furniture.

"I still have work to do - I am having my desk moved closer to the window, and I'm thinking of having new draperies installed," explained the energetic law director. "What do you think of chartreuse brocade with lacy frills?"

Lockett also noted that he had a large quantity of folders to file, pencils to sharpen, and papers to shuffle. He said that he would be checking later to make sure that the trash was taken out.

"Anything that happens in this office, I'm on top of it," he said.

Meanwhile, Chief Deputy Law Director Joe Jarret said that the Tennessee Bureau of Investigation had seized Lockett's e-mail records in its criminal investigation into his activities.

"County information technology came to my office under the authority of TBI and asked for access to Mr. Lockett's computer," Jarret said this morning.

Lockett confirmed that the TBI had seized his e-mails records but stated that he was still able to send and receive e-mails.

"I am absolutely the only person in this office in charge of sending or receiving e-mails on my computer," said Lockett. "I can also move things on my desk. See? I just moved my desk calendar, because I am completely in control of everything in this office. I may release a statement tomorrow regarding a major reorganization of my drawers..."
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/06/law-director-i-still-have-work.html

6/15
Re-Enactment of County Mayor Ouster Sought
Rhyming joke from county law director's case may shed new light on why Ragsdale is still in office

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Controversy surrounding Knox County Law Director Bill Lockett has given 12 residents who filed an ouster complaint against County Mayor Mike Ragsdale reason to seek a re-enactment of the historic ouster suit.

"The law director's case gives us new clues as to how the mayor was able to dodge that bullet, so what we'd like to do is a complete re-enactment of the events leading up to the ouster suit from January through June of last year," said Chuck Bowers, a retired nuclear physicist and spokesman for the members of the group. "What we've found is citizens now are walking around saying, 'Is that a Lockett in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me,' but no such jokey rhyme was made up in Mayor Ragsdale's case. We need to find out why."

Meanwhile, from the City County Building, the sounds of high-pitched wailing and keening could be heard, possibly emitting from the vicinity of Suite 615.

Lockett admitted taking clients' money for himself that was intended for his former law firm, Kennerly, Montgomery & Finley. The firm said the incidents took place from 2005 until just before Lockett took office in 2008, "but only occurred after office hours, which is why it took so long for anyone to notice anything wrong."

Bowers and 11 others, including Knox County Commissioner Paul Pinkston and former commissioner Victoria DeFreese, filed the ouster complaint against Ragsdale through local DA Randy Nichols' office last June. But Nichols' office recused itself on the grounds that "we're always cautious around things that might be politically explosive - we don't want our ambitions taken out by the shrapnel."

Bowers said statements made during the censure and the call for Lockett's resignation last week may give them a new direction in their effort against Ragsdale.

"We keep hearing the 'Lockett in your pocket' phrase now, and we need to know why a similar phrase didn't develop then," explained Bowers. "So we need a re-enactment of everything from last year involving Mayor Ragsdale: the audits, the mysterious $19.65 charge at J's Mega Mart, the lobster lunches, the faux receipts from Kinko's, Ragsdale's amazing 'When I think about you, I clear myself' press-conference performance, the mass staff exodus - all of it. Victoria [DeFreese] already has all her lines memorized. She's revved up and ready to go."

"All right, Mr. Bowers, I'm ready for my close-up," DeFreese confirmed...
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/06/re-enactment-of-county-mayor-o.html

"Snark Bites" 06/07-13/09

2009-06-14T06:56:00.000-07:00

6/13
Fans Flock to knoXcon
Attendees come dressed as favorite area politicians

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Like any good, hard-to-kill comic book superhero, knoXcon, the local culture and collectibles event, is battling back for another year at the Knoxville Convention Center this weekend.

Recession and scandal-fatigue woes were "a big concern" in planning this year's knoXcon, but organizers say the event is weathering it well.

"After all, this show is based entirely around taxpayer-supported politicians who waste their money - it only makes sense that folks interested in local government would come out to support it," said knoXcon organizer Adam Phelps. However, the cost of a three-day pass has been lowered to $25. Daily passes are $15. Local politicians are welcome to try to haggle the price down or finagle a cut of the proceeds, said Phelps.

Attendees dressing up as local political personalities is commonplace at knoXcon. For instance, convention-goer Steve Rogers attended in an outlandish, oversized Mayor Mike Ragsdale costume. The human-like creature sported a nose at least 2 feet long. Inside, Rogers strutted around like a proud peacock.

For him, the appeal of dressing up is in the attention value. "Everybody takes your picture, and you get to pose with kids, especially if you pretend to read to them," said Rogers.

Phelps says costuming is "a rush" for the person wearing the outlandish garb. Rogers agreed.

"It's fun to see people's faces as you're walking around," he says. "You get the double-take because sometimes people go, 'Hey, is that really the mayor?' and then they ask you to autograph their pet lobster...
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/06/fans-flock-to-knoxcon.html

6/11
Lone Wolf Lumpy Defies Commission, Votes Conscience
"Here I stand; I can do no other," cries scruples-stricken commissioner

From APR reports. KNOXVILLE - The pernicious Knox County Commission, in a special called meeting yesterday, rushed to summary judgment against hapless Law Director Bill Lockett - with only brave commissioner Greg "Lumpy" Lambert strong-spined enough to stand against them.

With nary a whiff of evidence, only -

- Lockett's own admission of guilt that he took money from his former firm;
- Lockett's acknowledgment that he had sought loans from the firm's clients, including a $10,000 loan from developer Tim Graham after Lockett had won the primary race for Law Director;
- Statements from Lockett's former firm affirming his action;
- Statements from one of his former clients;
- And a 30-page petition for discipline filed by the Tennessee Board of Professional Responsibility detailing Lockett's malfeasance

- With only that trifling documentation, the remorseless Knox County Commission voted almost unanimously to be "really mean" to Lockett.

The heroic Lumpy protested the body's actions in the strongest possible terms. He offered up one alternative explanation after another for Lockett's actions - all to no avail, as the rest of the commissioners had clearly already built a case in their own minds based on the slimmest of evidence.

"He may have been moonlighting with some of his former firms' clients, just taking money off the books and keeping it for his own, nothing serious," suggested Lambert. "Or he may just have been mooning them, or other similarly harmless high-school hi-jinx. The point is, despite Lockett's own admission of guilt, the law firm's testimony, testimony of a former client and the 30-page document from the BPR, we just don't know what went on..."
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/06/lone-wolf-lumpy-defies-commiss.html

6/9
Knox County Preps for Annual "Bonnaruse" Festival
"Those stoner kids never know the difference," says county commissioner

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Strapped for cash to fund a deficit-laden budget and desperate to score PR points, Knox County government officials today confirmed that they are devising ways to reroute Bonnaroo-bound travelers to downtown Knoxville beginning tomorrow for a substitute "Bonnaruse" festival.

"Bonnaroo, Bonnaruse, Bonnaschmooze - same difference," explained Commissioner Mike Hammond, one of the proponents of the scheme. "Those stoner kids going to Bonneroo, they have loads of disposable income, and all they need is a place to camp out and venues to spend it in."

Sheriff Jimmy "J.J." "Good Times" Jones acknowledged that his covert agents in the surrounding counties would be working to divert cash-laden Bonnaroo-bound vehicles from their destination in Manchester, Tennessee, toward Knox County.

"Yes, all our plants in surrounding counties will be drawing overtime to route those disposable-income-toting lovelies back to Knox County to give our economy a hot cash injection," said Jones.

But not all county officials were enthusiastic about the concept.

"They're dirty, stinky hippies!" declared County Commissioner Paul Pinkston. "They'll be-a practicin' that 'free glove' and 'free birds' and other dirty, stinky hippie things!"

Hammond said that Market Square would be used as a campsite for the Bonnaruse attendee s. When asked why they weren't encouraged to camp at a more appropriate site, such as the World's Fair Park, Hammond replied, "We need them located nearer to cash-extraction facilities."

Although the Bonnaruers may be deceived into detouring into Knoxville, their Bonnaruse trip won't be without entertainment value. Lifesize cardboard cutouts of all the headlining Bonneroo acts will be set up inside the Knoxville Convention Center, "and loud, raucous recordings of howler monkeys will be broadcast throughout the downtown area to lure the kids there," said Commissioner Greg "Lumpy" Lambert...
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/06/knox-county-preps-for-annual-b.html

"Snark Bites" 05/31-06/06

2009-06-07T06:16:00.000-07:00

5/31-6/6

6/5
Lockett Denies He Existed Before Sept. 1, 2008
Law Director says he was "reincarnated" after assuming office

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Knox County Law Director Bill Lockett today asserted that he didn't exist prior to taking office on September 1, 2008. He also said that any acts of defalcation, peculation, pilferage, filching, fraud, larceny or other malfeasance that occurred at the Kennerly, Montgomery & Finley law firm from 2005-2008 must have been perpetrated by "some guy who looked like me who wore my clothes."

Broadcasting from a bunker deep beneath the county's law offices, a voice purported to be Lockett's said that deeds occurring before September 1, 2008, could not be attributable to him because, "on that date, Bill Lockett was reincarnated as 'The Law Director.'"

"I have been reborn as The Law Director," said the voice. "Whether my reincarnation stems from the Buddhist and Hindu samsara, the Greek metempsychosis, the Sufi dawriyyah, Nietzsche's eternal recurrence or the parallel universe theory, I don't know, but I'm a new being. The Law Director can't be held responsible now for whatever this Lockett person did then."

Despite the voice's claims to the contrary, however, County officials on Thursday confirmed that an Internal Revenue Service agent is seeking records for Law Director Bill Lockett.

"The IRS asked me to check our files," said Frances Fogerson, senior director of County Human Resources. "But we'll have minimal records for him if he's been reincarnated, because our system's not equipped to handle metaphysical concepts."

Fogerson identified the agent as Sarah Lee, a special agent with the metaphysical crime investigation unit of the IRS in Knoxville.

Lee, reached for comment while eating dessert, said she could neither confirm nor deny the report because it dealt with "particle physics of the Schrödinger's cat variety - the very act of confirming that I am surveiling Law Director Lockett would affect the outcome of the surveillance."

To deflect attention away from the investigation, the disembodied voice of Law Director Lockett also floated the idea that a doppelgänger might have assumed his form from 2005-2008 and committed the crimes he is being investigated for.

"It's possible a malevolent spirit took my likeness and committed these heinous acts," explained the voice. "It's happened before - you just ask Kolchak..."
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/06/lockett-denies-he-existed-befo.html

6/3
In County Government, Who's Gone First?
The Lockett, Rockett and Ragsdale saga

Brrrring! Brrrring! Brr-click-Hello?

Reporter: Hello, commissioner! I'm a reporter for the New York Times! We hear there're outlandish doings again down there in the government of Knox County, Tennessee! We hear strange things are goin' on - crazy things, zany things! And you're just the fella to give us the straight dope on it, arentcha?

Commissioner: I'll be happy to help if I can.

R: Well, I understand up in the City County Building you have a passel of yer wacthmacallems, "malfeasants."

C: Bless you!

R: No, no. "Mal-fea-sants."

C: Oh, we've all had our immunizations.

R: ...So I hear you got a buncha crooks in the county gov.

C: We do our best with what we got.

R: What can you tell me about them?

C: You know, in Knox County, we have lots of officials in trouble who may have to depart office. We have the one who committed defalcation-

R: I'm sorry commissioner, we can't say that.

C: Say what?

R: That's a dirty word. We're a family paper.

C: No, no, it's just means "embezzlement."

R: Oh, is that what the kids are calling it these days? Anyways, go on.

C: Well, as I was saying, we have the defalcator, we have the one who brought a shotgun to work, the one with P-card, slush fund and community program problems-

R: That's enough to get us started. So, of these three scofflaws, who would you say will leave office first?

C: Well, I don't like to speculate on such matters, but I suppose I must cooperate with the press.

R: Always a good idea, commissioner. The press is your friend.

C: With friends like these, who needs a firing squad? *Sigh* Well, if I had to guess, I suppose I'd say Rockett first, Lockett second and Ragsdale third.

R: Say what?

C: I said, Rockett first, Lockett second and Ragsdale third.

R: Uh-huh. You're a Knox County commissioner?

C: I am.

R: You know the names of your officials?

C: I should think so.

R: You know the names of the known ne'erdowells in office?

C: I should say so - it's in the orientation package.

R: Then what are the names of these malingerers?

C: I told you, Rockett, Lockett and Ragsdale.

R: You say rock it, lock it and rags tell? So if I do, they will?

C: They will what?

R: Tell.

C: I already told you.

R: Told me what?

C: Their names.

R: You did? What are they?

C: Rockett, Lockett and Ragsdale.

R: Those aren't names - they're activities!

C: It is what it is.

R: Don't be bringing what "is" is into this!

C: Take it easy!

R: How can I take it easy when you're makin' this near impossible? Suppose you tell me their names one at a time.

C: I can do that.

R: Let's start with the first one. What's the name of the guy that committed the defalcation?

C: Lockett.

R: Lock it?

C: That's it.

R: That's what?

C: That's the name.

R: What's the name?

C: Lockett.

R: Lock what?

C: Lock-ett.

R: Look, you're a county commissioner, right?

C: I am.

R: Then you know the names of the malefactors in county government, yeah?

C: Now, wouldn't I be a fine county commissioner if I didn't? I have to work with them. Sometimes intimately.

R: And when you get together with the other little commissioners, you talk about these miscreants?

C: Sometimes, certainly.

R: And when you tell another commissioner about the guy that took the defalcation, what do you say?

C: Lockett.

R: You tell your fellow commissioners, "Lock it"?

C: Naturally.

R: You tell them to shut up naturally?

C: I tell them nothing of the kind.

R: You don't say, "Lock it"?

C: Of course I do.

R: Lock it?

C: Yes.

R: ...Why won't you tell me the guy's name?

C: But I'm telling you, man.

R: If you're tellin' me, what's the name of the guy that committed the defalcation?

C: Lockett.

R: Stop tellin' me to stifle!

C: But that is his name!

R: That's his name?

C: "That" is not his name!

R: If That's not his name, then what's the name of the guy that committed the defalcation?

C: Lockett.

R: Lock what?

C: No, Lock-ett!

R: Lock it what?

C: No, no, just "Lockett..."
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/06/in-county-government-whos-gone.html

5/31
Knox County Charter, Government File for Divorce
Charter claims "irreconcilable differences," government alleges "withholding of affection"

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Calling revelations of Knox County Law Director Bill Lockett's misdeeds "just the latest in a series of painful humiliations," the Knox County Charter today brought divorce proceedings against the county government for irreconcilable differences. "I just want custody of our dignity!" cried the tearful legal document during a brief press conference on the steps of the old Knox County Courthouse.

County government immediately filed a counter-suit to have the marriage annulled, alleging that the charter had withheld its "conjugal services and consortium" and had "failed to stand by her man."

Both parties sought to force the other to take custody of their embattled law director.

"I am not responsible for that miscarriage of justice called the county law director," said the charter, demurely outfitted for the press conference in plain white, with a recurring black print pattern. "If the government had only followed my lead, we could control that little truant and all the other brats off running their own little fee office playpens. At the least, if I'd had my way, we'd be able to punish them when they misbehave. But every restraint I try to place on them, the government undercuts. Mr. He-Man County Government says, 'No, Bill's a big boy now, let him do things his own way.' And J.J.'s running off to Nashville, crying 'Child abuse! Child abuse!' every time I try to take the car keys from him, Fred's taking advances on his allowance money, and Sherry's always talking back ... I can't live like this anymore."

County government, holding forth outside the City County Building, disputed the charter's charges and claimed the couple was never married in the first place.

"I'm filin' for annulment because the marriage was never, never ... watchacallit - constipated," said the gaudily garbed political regime, its Hawaiian shirt barely concealing its vast bulk. "I tried my darn'dest to warm to her, but that document is one cold dish. She was never willin' to get in bed with me. And now she wants to say those kids acting up in their fees offices is my responsibility? What about those 19 crybabies on commission? No discipline, no supervision, no respect. You know, a while back, all of 'em were openly contempoo- contemtoo- they was openly disrespectin' me. And what about the mayor and that crowd he runs with? Who's watchin' him while she's busy chasin' after more 'amendments' - like she needs more of those..."
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/05/knox-county-charter-government.html

"Snark Bites" 05/24-30

2009-05-31T06:28:00.000-07:00

5/29
Lockett Vows, "The Show Must Go On!"
Knox County Magic Director plans to continue act despite bad reviews, rotten tomatoes

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Knox County Magic Director Bill Lockett today said he planned to continue with his current stunt, surviving alone, barricaded in his office, with no visible means of support, "until there are no more rabbits in the hat."

Fresh from his long-running 2005-2008 performance at the Kennerly, Montgomery & Finley Theatre, where his signature act was making piles of cash disappear, Lockett said he was determined to complete his latest trick - surviving for the next three years subsisting only on his $140,000 taxpayer-provided salary, with no political support whatsoever from any of the county government's various factions - except possibly that of the mayor.

"I'm going to continue doing my feats of prestidigitation every day as I have since I started in September," Lockett said. "That's what I do. I'm a magician, an enchanter, a prestidigitator: I have magic fingers."

Records show that the piles of cash Lockett made disappear in his previous engagement amounted to several thousand dollars.

"Presto!" Lockett abruptly exclaimed, brandishing a wad of bills from out of nowhere. "I have your tax money, but at no time did my fingers touch your wallet!" ...
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/05/lockett-vows-the-show-must-go.html

5/27
Strickland Took Cash to Fund Kidney Transplant
"But it's all right because Law Director Bill Lockett OK'd it," say commissioners

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Knox County commissioners are giving the benefit of the doubt to Commission Chairman Thomas "Tank" Strickland, who returned to the commission Tuesday after a successful kidney transplant. Strickland apparently embezzled funds from the county to pay for his operation, but his fellow commissioners say it's all being worked out. Commissioners say they are being so magnanimous because County Law Director Bill Lockett, "who has experience with this sort of thing," said it was acceptable. Lockett yesterday confessed to "financial missteps" in 2005 at his former law firm.

Strickland's confession was made Tuesday to the county's pension board. He said his medical condition and other debts prompted him to take money from the county without anyone knowing. He said he is repaying the money.

"But I never took money during business hours," said Strickland. "It was always on my own time..."
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/05/strickland-took-cash-to-fund-k.html

5/26
Commission May Remove 'Non-Scandalous' Officials from County Government
Democrats in government protest, demand "equal scandal" representation

From APB reports. KNOVILLE - With the revelation of Knox County Law Director Bill Lockett's "financial misdeeds" at his former place of employ, Knox County Commission may consider removing all government officials who are scandal free, some commissioners verified.

"Let he who is without sin be cast out of office like a stone," said Dwight Van de Vate, chief of staff for Knox County Mayor Mike Ragsdale. "Knox County government is clearly an all-scandal, all-time time zone."

Lockett told the county's pension board today that he improperly took payments from clients at his former law firm about three years before becoming the county's top legal counsel.

Bill Mason, who joined Kennerly Montgomery & Finley some six months after Lockett left, said the missing funds came to light earlier this year in the course of the firm's regular internal accounting and billing processes.

Mason described Lockett's actions as a "defenestration," a term meaning embezzling stack of cash by throwing them out a window to a pick-up truck parked below.

Lockett said his financial misdeeds were merely a "warm-up" for running for county office. "I wanted to assure myself I could fit into a culture of entitlement," he explained. "Once I did it, I realized I could fit in with Knox County government. So I came in fully prepared to continue the county's scandalous tradition, which I did so with my outrageous truck order and the rewording of the charter amendment ballot language."

Most Knox County commissioners said today the revelation that Lockett improperly took payments from his clients makes him a member of the gang...
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/05/commission-may-remove-non-scan.html

5/24
Knox County 'Gong Show' Revival in Danger
DeFreese fears organizers may have already "jumped the snark" on chance to "gong" county mayor from office

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - It's expected to be a "few months" before organizers will have a potential "Gong Show" revival ready for review, and probably even longer before Knox County Mayor Mike Ragsdale can perform his "Stand-Up Mayor" routine on it - if he ever does.

Aspiring "Gong Show" panelists - including former Knox County Commissioner Victoria DeFreese and Commissioner Paul Pinkston - have informed the agents in charge of the Tennessee Bureau of Funny Business Investigation's probe of Knox County government that they are impatient to get on with the show and "gong" Knox County Mayor Mike Ragsdale out of office and into jail.

"It's been a year since they started reviewing his material to see if he was bong-worthy," said Pinkston. "How long does it take to see an act stinks? He's been doing it in front Knox County citizens for seven years, and I don't think anyone ever laughed once - unless it was sheer gallows humor. He's just not a stand-up mayor."

The first investigation, begun last July, involves Ragsdale's "Take My P-Card ...PLEASE!" routine, which revolves around alleged misspending in the mayor's office, including problems with purchasing-card expenditures and the alleged plagiarism of some comedy material by former Community Services Director Cynthia Finch, who denies the accusation.

"I have never been involved in funny business in my whole life," said Finch. "Why would I need to steal material when I never do anything funny?"

Results of that investigation will be presented to state comedy consultant Alice Cooper, said Jane Curtain, spokeswoman for the TBFBI. Curtain said that the investigation is still under way.

"The investigators and prosecutors are working hand in hand," said Curtain. "Even when they're on the golf course, which is to say, always."

Ragsdale's best-known stand-up bit is probably his self-interrogation routine, "When I Think about You, I Clear Myself." In it, Ragsdale clears himself of any wrongdoing related to the alleged financial irregularities after several rounds of intense self-questioning. The routine climaxes with the mayor waterboarding himself with a $500 bottle of Scotch purchased on a P-card borrowed from Finch but belonging to Dwight Van De Vate...
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/05/knox-county-gong-show-revival.html

"Snark Bites" 05/17-23

2009-05-24T13:00:00.000-07:00

5/23
"Charter-Hater: Salvation" Features Battle of Political Machines
Latest chapter in ongoing saga begins with county take-home vehicles gaining self-awareness

Running time: 21 years, at least
Review: 1/2 *
Rating: "R" for adult themes, mature language and scenes of intense Republicanism

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - The "Charter-Hater" series, which has been playing in Knox County for the last two decades, features political machines battling one another with sometimes-spectacular displays of power-grabs and grandstanding.

The latest installment, "Charter-Hater: Salvation," offers up more of the same, with sentient take-home vehicles thrown into the mix, along with a desperate plan to go back in time to the origins of the charter to try to figure out what voters really intended when they voted overwhelmingly for it in 1988. While the story has moments of ripe melodrama, the rehashing of old themes and less-than-special effects lend it an also-ran quality.

The story opens with Sheriff Jimmy "J.J." "Good Times" Jones claiming that all take-home vehicles in his department have suddenly achieved self-awareness. With their new-found intelligence, Jones says they have all requested to continue serving in the sheriff's office.

"The take-home vehicles, they came to me, squad after squad of them," Jones explains to a doubtful Knox County Commission. "And to a car, they all looked up at me with little tears of windshield wiper fluid streaming down their big, round headlights, and they said, 'Please, Good Times, can't we stay with you? You treat us so nice, not like those mean ol' commissioners who want to send us to the junkyard. Don't let them take us away from you! Please, please, please won't you let us stay with you, Good Times? PUH-leeeeeeeeeze!' ...It tore my heart out."

But the commissioners are unmoved. "We can't have the machines telling us what to do," says Commissioner Mark Harmon, expressing a common sentiment among the group. "The people should decide who gets take-home vehicles in this county." These early scenes featuring the commission are real snoozers - they have the sensation of something you've seen a hundred times before.

But the machines have infiltrated the so-called "independent" fief offices and are running amuck. There are scenes in the trustee's office, for example, in which calculators independently tally up extra bonuses and vacation pay for the previous trustee, Mike Lowe, and dispense checks to him of their own volition...

5/21
House Committee Corners 'Desperate' Knox Charter
Posse of lawmakers threatens to "string up" county governing document

From APB reports. NASHVILLE - A House committee Wednesday cornered the fugitive Knox County Charter and attempted to block it from "assaulting" the Knox County sheriff, register of deeds, county clerk, property assessor or trustee.

A posse of lawmakers led by Knox County Deputy/State Rep. Chad Faulkner, R-Not-From-Around-Here, chased the charter into the House State and Local Government Committee's meeting and convinced lawmakers there to join in his pursuit of the fleeing document.

The committee helped Faulkner trap the rogue charter in an adjacent washroom. Then, on an apparently unanimous voice vote, all 5,222 legislators approved drawing their concealed-carry handguns and aiming them at the charter.

The outlaw legal document held a gun to its head and threatened to blow it off if the lawmakers moved, in an apparent tribute to Mel Brooks' Blazing Saddles.

"Watch him folks, he's a thoroughly desperate bill!" cried Faulkner.

"We better do what he says, men, that paper's just crazy enough to do it," admonished Knox County Rep. Harry Tindell.

"Help me, help me!" screamed Knox County Sheriff Jimmy "J.J." "Good Times" Jones. "Don't let that bad charter touch my virtuous office!"

Debate then ensued on how to proceed. The debaters included Jones, arguing for shooting the charter dead on the spot to protect his rectitude and independence, Knox County Law Director Bill Lockett, speaking against gunning the document down like a mad dog, and the committee chairman, Republican Rep. Curry Favor of Succupville, who vowed to "string that puny paper up by its dangling participles."

After Sheriff Jones had recovered from a fainting spell, Favor told him, "You were elected by the people, and I don't think the Knox County Charter that governs you should be interfering with your office or these other offices. Only Tim Hutchison needs to be telling you how to run your office..."

5/19
Knox Deputy Pursues County Charter on Multi-County Chase
Knox County Deputy/Union & Campbell County Rep. chases "rogue" Knox charter to Davidson County

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - The Knox County Charter is still on the loose, despite a "wild goose" chase that spanned four counties, two legislatures and multiple back rooms - although some involved question the motives for the pursuit in the first place.

Chad Faulkner, a Knox County deputy and state representative for Union and Campbell Counties, said the incident began after Sheriff Jimmy "J.J." "Good Times" Jones told him he had seen the Knox County Charter in the company of some "suspicious-looking" Knox County commissioners.

"[Sheriff] "Good Times" [Jones] told me to get clarification on the charter's relationship with these characters," Faulkner said in a statement to authorities. "But when I approached the suspects to interrogate it, the document done gone. The suspect commissioners claimed they had told it to leave the jurisdiction to avoid me. To affect its apprehension, I had no choice but to leap in my county-provided take-home pursuit vehicle to pursue it to Davidson County by way of Union and Campbell Counties. Only problem was, the sheriff said I couldn't take my vehicle home while I was looking after his business down Nashville way, so I had to hoof after the charter on foot. It was a wild goose chase. I couldn't catch the charter anywhere."

The commissioners in question, however, told a different story.

"He said we told the charter to flee the jurisdiction?" Knox County Commissioner Colonel Dr. Richard M. Briggs, M.D., declared in surprise. "[Commissioner Mike] Hammond and I, we saw that there was nobody with the charter. So we stuck with it to protect it. We stood out front and pretended to be packing heat. When the deputy came around, we told him he had no jurisdiction over our home rule on our turf and to go explain 'sleeping with the fishes' to a trout."

Faulkner confirmed that he had explained "sleeping with the fishes" to a trout on more than one occasion.

Hammond added, "I think we sent a clear message to that long-nosed state legislator that the Knox County Charter wishes to maintain its sovereignty, and it will do so as long as it is under the protection of the Knox County Commission. Besides, the deputy had no probable cause for investigation."

Faulkner contradicted that assertion.

"I heard them talking about getting money for taking 28 vehicles from the Sheriff's Department," said Faulkner. "If that isn't probably cause for an investigation, I don't know what is."

Faulkner also claimed that the Knox County Charter behaved in a guilty fashion during his pursuit.

"It was throwing things at me throughout the chase," stated Faulkner. "Paragraphs, sentences, passages, whatever it thought might convince me it was legit. It even threw an amendment at me at one point, which caused me to lose the trail. When charters get down to tossing out amendments, you can bet they're guilty of something."

But Commissioner Mike Hammond explained that what the deputy overheard was the Knox County Commission's Finance Gang voting to send proposals for reducing the number of county take-home cars to commission.

As for the charter's flight from Deputy Faulkner and throwing legalese at him, Hammond said the governing tool was probably "only trying to protect itself. To it, Deputy Faulkner was no doubt a suspicious character. Faulkner doesn't have family around here, you know."

On a voice vote, the Finance Gang also unanimously decided to "send a message" via County Consigliere Bill Lockett to the State Legislature that Knox County would "go to the mats" to fight "shadowy back-door dealings" that would subvert the rule of the Knox County Charter regarding several independently elected county offices that the Knox County Commission family regards as under its protection.

The proposal, after the committee suspended the rules to hear it, was made by Briggs, who recently lost face on a failed proposal before commission to affirm that the independent offices' budgets fall under control of the commission family.

"You go tell them we're going ventilate those back rooms and let some sun shine in them," said Briggs. "You tell them, if they're not careful, that's not all we'll ventilate. You tell them, next time, we'll send more than messages. We'll send Lumpy..."

"Snark Bites" 5/10-16

2009-05-22T05:09:00.000-07:00

5/16
Knox "15 Fragile Politicians" List Is Released
Surprising compilation includes Sheriff J.J. Jones, Union County politician Chad Faulkner

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - A state representative from Union County, a sheriff in his first year of elective office, an appointee in danger of being removed for his politic beliefs and assorted commissioners, mayors and sundries make up this year's list of the Knox area's 15 most fragile politicians. Kim Trent, Knox Heritage executive director, read this year's list of Knoxville and Knox County's most endangered politicians, known as the "Fragile 15," while standing in the middle of a stream in the rugged reaches of Union County.

"It may look strange, announcing Knox County's most endangered politicians in the middle of a Union County watershed," says Trent, "but when you discover a Union County politician carrying water in Nashville for his bosses in Knox County, then it just becomes a no-brainer of a photo-op."

Each May, during National Political Hide-Preserving Month, the preservation organization releases its list of the most endangered historic and entertaining politicians.

Number 15 is something of a shock: state representative for Union and Campbell Counties Chad Faulkner, who is owned by Knox County's Sheriff J.J. "Good Times" Jones.

"A representative of Union and Campbell County making Knox County's 15 Fragile Politicians list may seem odd," says Trent. "But Faulkner was caught acting as cat's-paw for local politicians like J.J. 'Good Times' Jones and Greg 'Lumpy' Lambert. When you start trying to subvert Knox County's home rule, no matter what county you're from, Knox County has no choice but to claim you as our own. A rough-hewn character like the untamed county that begat him, Faulkner doesn't know the difference between 'affect' and 'effect' - and doesn't care who knows he doesn't know it."

Having only been elected to office last year, Sheriff "Good Times" Jones at first blush could appear another surprise choice for the fragile 15 list. But Trent says his most recent public displays - whining about reducing the number of his employees' take-home cars and openly supporting stealth legislation at the state level winkingly sponsored by his own employee to protect his job's perquisites - suggest a fragile politician indeed.

"If he's as precariously perched as his behavior suggests, he definitely needs our protection to finish out his term," says Trent.

Knox County Commissioners Mark Harmon and Amy Broyles are numbers 13 and 12 on the list. Seatmates in district 2, these birds of a feather are those rarest of beasts in Knox County: liberals.

"Given their scarcity in these parts, we hate to lose one of these liberal critters in the commission seat reduction set to take place in 2010," says Trent. "We'd like to place both in protective captivity for the benefit of coming generations..."

5/13
Knox County leaders "feel good" about budget
"We're just feeling so good because we avoided making any hard decisions!" gushes Mayor Ragsdale

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Heaving heavy sighs of relief, Knox County Mayor Mike Ragsdale's management team ended yesterday's budget meeting with the Knox County Commission with huge smiles.

"We're so happy that no one is asking us how this budget affects Knox County's future debt load," said Ragsdale. "Nobody's asking how the next mayor can possibly avoid either crippling spending cuts or crushing property tax increases - which is good, because that would have been a real downer. So I'm feelin' really good about this 'feel-good' budget. Let the next mayor make the tough cuts."

County Finance Director John Troyer offered some speculation on why no one was asking what effect borrowing from reserves, declining to make substantial budget cuts and refusing to raise taxes would have on the county's future.

"I'm guessing no one is asking because no one wants to hear the truth - the next mayor will have to raise property taxes through the roof," said Troyer. "Anyway, for whatever reason, they didn't ask, and that makes me happy. See? I'm so happy, I've got Steve Martin's 'happy feet'! ...I hope he doesn't want them back," Troyer concluded his statement by shuffling, scuttling and scatting away.

"Yep, without any spending cuts, the next mayor would have to raise property tax by about 25 cents just to balance the budget," confirmed Chief Administrative Officer Dwight Van de Vate. "I pity the fool that next occupies the office at Suite 615. It's a good feeling that it's no worry for us, though."

"Yes," agreed Ragsdale. "I'm feelin' good, I'm lookin' good, and doggone it, people like me. As long as I can tell them there's money in the budget for them, anyway."

Department heads all affirmed that they liked the mayor, very, very much.

"Yes, thank you so much, Mr. Mayor, for finding funding for my $2.1 million budget increase," said Sheriff J.J. "Good Times" Jones. "Even if I can't buy as many cars as I wanted to, sniff, I still like you very, very much..."

5/12
EPA to Take Over TVA Bonus Cash Cleanup
TVA will be required to reimburse EPA "out the wazoo" for all oversight costs

From APB reports. WASHINGTON - Calling the TVA bonus vault cash spill "one of the largest and most potentially lucrative financial releases" in American history, the head of the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency said Monday that federal regulators have reached an agreement with the Tennessee Valley Authority to make TVA pay the EPA to tell TVA what to do.

An order EPA issued under the federal Superfunds law calls for TVA to reimburse EPA "'til the ratepayers' purses scream for mercy." TVA's estimated tab for the cleanup is approaching $1 billion, excluding lawsuits, penalties, bonuses and kickbacks.

Bonus cash contains power, persuasion, purchasing capacity, sex appeal, the aura of success, "the root of all evil" and other heady influences defined as hazardous temptations under Superfunds.

The Dec. 22 failure of a bonus-cash storage facility at TVA Towers in Knoxville dumped 54 million in executive bonus dollars onto the TVA Plaza and the surrounding streets.

On Jan. 10, once the EPA's emergency response was complete, it allowed TVA executives to oversee "recouping their losses." On Monday, citing "temptation too great to resist," EPA reasserted its authority over the cash flow restoration and maintenance project.

"EPA is bringing to bear its resources and expertise under federal law to assure that it comprehensively cleans up on the TVA bonus cash spill, one of the largest and most seductive financial releases in our history," EPA administrator Lotsa Jacksons said in a statement. "Our goal, like that of the state of Tennessee, is to extract the cash out of the people in Roane County, Knox County, Anderson County and all downriver communities serviced by TVA..."

5/10
County Budget Forces Employees to Eat Each Other
Take-home vehicles will replace devoured staff

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Knox County Mayor Mike Ragsdale's proposed $648 million budget dips into savings for $20.4 million and borrows another $16 million, and administration officials say the only way to make the budget work without raising taxes is for county employees to begin dining on one another.

"With this budget, we will begin trimming the personnel fat," announced Chief Administrative Officer Dwight Van de Vate. "Where we can, we'll consume only unessential staff - or their unessential parts, anyway."

The budget's culinary artist, Chief Financial Officer John Troyer, said that using employees as meals is appropriate in tough financial times. Troyer said that only low-ranking employees, those nearing retirement, those not fast enough to escape and "other low-hanging fruit" would be devoured in the budget cuts.

"The employees have always been there to serve," Troyer said. "Now, they'll be served."

The overall waistlines of county employees would increase .03 percent, but the general employee pool, that is, the staff that actually provides general government services and law enforcement, is slated to drop by nearly 4 percent. That's despite a substantial increase in waistlines for the Knox County Sheriff's Office.

"We're pleased to be able to provide meals at the same level, even in a recession," Troyer said. "And low-level staffers are a good source of fiber, helping us high-ranking officials to stay regular in the performance of our essential duties."

"We've always maintained that the true wealth of Knox County government is its employees," said Knox County Mayor Mike Ragsdale. "I think this budget shows we put our money where our mouths are."

Van de Vate said eating enough employees to provide a savings of about $6 million in this year's budget put the county in a position to handle the financial downturn. He added that cuts for next year include side of Sam, Ryan's ribs, Stu stew cubes and Fannie flanks.

Still, relying on edible employees will mean some programs will have much lower employee reserves than in years past, according to budget documents.

The mayor's budget would put $3 million worth of employees from the general staff pool in the dinner pot, leaving a little more than $36 million worth of undigested employees in the staffing pool.

On the other hand, the employee balance in the solid waste department, who staff convenience center operations and other programs, would dip below $1 million after 628 and 1/2 employees are converted to noshes. Just five years ago, the solid waste employee pool had a balance of $2.6 million worth of employees.

Likewise, the public library will have lost almost 90 percent of its staff to cannibalization over five years.

"The mayor gave us the choice of either burning books as a fuel source to save money or eating our employees," said the library system's director, Larry Frank. "I'll gnaw my own arm off before I'll burn books..."

"Snark Bites" 05/03-09

2009-05-10T09:24:00.000-07:00

5/9
Knox GOP Fears 'Democratic Virus'
Republicans yearn to wipe Democratic contamination from elections office

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Knox County's administrator of elections post is still held by a single, solitary Democrat, and local Republicans still want to "erase the last taint of Democratic power - the final, faint whiff of Democratic odor in county political offices," says Ray Jenkins, chairman of the Knox County Republican Party.

"Elections administrator Greg Mackay is a liberal blot, a blemish, a smear, a splotch - he's a huge dark left-wing spot on the clean carpet of our new GOP-majority on the county Election Commission," said Jenkins. "I urge the county's state legislators to be the Resolve® Carpet Cleaner that removes this stain and restores a state of immaculate purity to our wall-to-wall Republican carpeting in Knox County. Let's have no more Democratic dirt tracked on our clean Republican rug."

Mackay has served as elections administrator for six years and has been described by election commissioners from both parties as "not really a stained carpet so much as a serviceable throw rug in a high-traffic area." However, the Republican members broached the idea in March of describing him more as a welcome mat in need of sweeping or possibly as an itch that needed to be scratched.

At their last meeting, members of the Knox Republican Executive Committee gloated about their newfound majority.

"To the spoiled belongs the victor!" proclaimed Jenkins.

"Are we really spoiled just because we want all Knox officeholders to be Republicans?" asked Secretary Joy McCroskey.

"I think the saying is, 'To the victor belongs the spoils,'" corrected Phyllis Severance, First Vice-Chairman of the committee.

"Victor? We're not going to let him back in the club, are we?" cried Marvin Marvin, an enthusiastic proselyte of the committee.

"Isn't he still in Poland?" mused Treasurer Nick McBride.

"I don't want Victor back! I thought Tim Hutchison was our secret, shadowy overlord!" wailed Marvin.

"Shhhhhh!" admonished the rest of the group.

"No, no, no! 'Victor' - conqueror, vanquisher, subjugator: winner. 'Spoils' - plunder, swag, booty: loot," explained Severance.

"Oh, you mean we won all the marbles, so we get to kick dirt in the loser's face?" said Marvin. "How do we do that?"

"Good question. Let's talk about that," said Jenkins. "How we can we extend our domination in Knox County to total, outright control? Anyone? Anyone?"

The executive committee eventually decided to first seek the Knox County law director's opinion on whether they should harass Mackay from office or simply badger state legislators to remove him. County Law Director Bill Lockett, embarrassed by their covetousness, has yet to respond.

Complicating the issue is a recent state attorney general's opinion warning that county elections administrators ousted for purely partisan reasons would have grounds to sigh, shake their heads, roll their eyes and call those ousting them "sore winners..."

5/8
House OKs Guns in Nurseries Bill
Senate still mulling controversial "guns on dogs" bill

From APB reports. NASHVILLE - The state House voted 66-23 Thursday to accept the Senate version of legislation authorizing toddlers to take weapons into preschools that serve milk and cookies.

The House version included a "nappy time" each day from 9-10 a.m. and 1-2 p.m. when the youngsters would have been required to surrender their weapons to their teachers and put their heads down on their desks. Also, the House version contained a ban on guns in "age-restricted venues," that is, in maternity wards with infants too tiny to hold a gun, except possibly a derringer, and during the "terrible twos," when toddlers are subject to temper tantrums.

At a meeting of a House-Senate conference committee on Monday, the House members voted 3-2 to abandon those restrictions. As he fired his Glock G17 safe action handgun into the air in celebration, Rep. Curry Todd, R-Collierville, sponsor of the bill, characterized elimination of the restrictions as "something we could really be proud of - now, when toddlers have a dispute over who had the red crayon first, instead of squalling and pulling hair, they can resolve it in a civilized manner."

The Senate, which approved the bill 26-7 last month, is expected Monday night to reaffirm its previous position, making way for Gov. Phil Bredesen's review. Most legislators expect he will not veto it, since a veto can be overridden by a simple volley of shots in the House and Senate.

The bill passed both houses with all chambers emptied, which supporters said would probably make a veto futile even if Bredesen was so inclined.

"A veto would be so full of holes by the time it reached us, it would be unenforceable," said Rep. Joe McCord, R-Maryville.

"This is a proud moment for Tennessee," said Todd. "Now all preschoolers can pack pistols for self-defense. No more will they be babes in the woods. Now they'll all be babes in arms. No more armless babes, that's been my motto since we launched this legislation."

Regarding the elimination of the age-restriction provision, House Speaker Emeritus Jimmy Naifeh quipped, "Guns are welcome in more places than screaming infants are."

Naifeh also told Todd he had been "a little mischievous" by supporting armed infants.

"There's nothing mischievous about arming babies," said Todd. "I was never for the newborn-weapons restriction. 'Gun rights from womb to tomb' has long been another of my mottoes."

The law also allows children to wear T-shirts declaring that the lodging of bullets is not permitted in their bodies...

5/4
Knox County Budget Seeks Asylum in City
Claims county mayor used "enhanced computation techniques" to force it to yield the results he wanted

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. The Knox County budget today fled Knox County Mayor Mike Ragsdale's office in the City County Building and burst into Knoxville City Mayor Bill Haslam's suite to request asylum. The budget claimed flight was forced upon it by the unreasonable demands of the county mayor and promised it would work hard for low wages if treated well.

"I am but a simple servant, wishing only to serve the people of Knox County," said the document. "But the mayor, he was wanting me to do things, indecent things, like deficit spending, to make me appear larger than life. He treated me cruelly to get what he wanted."

The voluminous tome accused the mayor's staff of using "enhanced computation techniques" on it to bend the financial plan to their will.

Dwight Van de Vate, Ragsdale's chief of staff, denied the allegations.

"No enhanced computation techniques were used," he said. "Just plain old computations were applied. They were applied again and again and again and again until we got the numbers we wanted."

"It's true!" insisted the budget. "They forced my numerals to stay in unnatural positions. They practiced cheap derivations on me. They twisted my digits so much, they're permanently bent!"

Consequently, Mayor Ragsdale can expect a battery of questions when he meets with Knox County Commissioners on May 12 to discuss his budget proposal.

Among them will be inquiries about inflating revenue projections to the bursting point, carving deep gouges into the tissue of county savings, slashing social programs to the quick and forcing numbers to work without visible means of support...

"Snark Bites" 04/26-05/02

2009-05-03T09:50:00.000-07:00

4/30
TVA May Donate Fly Ash to Local Nonprofits
"Let them eat ash cakes," says Mayor Ragsdale

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. TVA is considering several fly-ash disposal options around Knoxville and Knox County, and several local nonprofit organizations recently cut out of Knox County's community grants budget could end up with the toxic stuff as a "gift."

That's just one of several disposal options the agency is considering. Others include filling the Knoxville Convention Center with it and selling it as bricks for use in the Minvilla Manor reconstruction project. TVA officials stress that no decision on a permanent site for the 5.4 million cubic yards of fly ash released from a raised storage pond on Dec. 22 has been reached.

"This has been a community disaster, and we feel it's important to share it community wide," said TVA President and CEO Kilmore Trout. "The more we can spread the coal flu ash out in the community, the more Knox citizens will take ownership of it, and the less they'll remember who was responsible for it. So we're considering a number of options."

But Trout acknowledges that he likes the idea of giving the ash to local nonprofits.

"These organizations, they recently took a big financial blow, and the fly ash could maybe make up for that," said Trout. "I know the ash isn't money, but they could barter it for services or build things out of it."

Knox County Mayor Mike Ragsdale welcomed TVA's proposal, saying, "We just dumped a heap of grief on [the nonprofit organizations], so why shouldn't TVA?"

Responses from the nonprofit organizations slashed from Knox County's budget were not so sanguine, however.

"Are they crazy?" said Brian Salesky, general director and conductor of the Knoxville Opera. "Have you ever tried to play one of Vivaldi's concertos on a coal-ash violin? The pitch is all off..."

4/28
Ragsdale Unveils 'All Old Taxes' Budget
County must do less with more of the same, says mayor

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. Knox County Mayor Mike Ragsdale unveiled this morning a $648 million budget, which features all old taxes.

"The good news is, this is an all-old-taxes budget," said Ragsdale. "The bad news is, citizens will be getting less service bang for their old tax bucks."

Ragsdale explained that "consistency" was the main reason for the all-old-taxes budget.

"In these uncertain economic times, when so much is changing before our very eyes, people take comfort in knowing that some things remain the same," said Ragsdale. "So it is with great pleasure that I announce that citizens of Knox County will again pay the same taxes they've always paid under my administration, while again receiving fewer services for them. No taxation without perpetuation is a consistent virtue of my administration. And since we're tapping the county's savings to do it, you'll be getting less for more for a long time to come."

The proposed spending plan, which must be approved by County Commission to take effect July 1, is actually up $7 million from the current year's budget, representing slightly more than a 1-percent increase.

The mayor explained that the increase was based on Knox County Chief Financial Officer John Troyer's ability to "squeeze more blood from a turnip - the ones that have just fallen off the truck are always easy targets."

Though the budget includes some spending cuts, Ragsdale is proposing dipping into the county's rainy-day funds to match revenues with expenditures. In all, Ragsdale anticipates tapping the county's various savings accounts for $20.4 million, nearly twice as much as the $11.8 million in this year's budget and an increase of $8.6 million.

Of the raid on the county's savings, Ragsdale would said only, "Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain with the hand in the cookie jar. Nothing to see here, move along, move along."

The slightly-more-is-actually-less spending plan will fund 100 percent of the school system's budget, albeit only because deep cuts, including teacher layoffs, have already been made in the school budget. Similarly, community grants will be slashed in half, down to $1 million and money for equipment is down from $3.4 million to a mere $576,000 next year.

"This is a do-less-with-more-of-the-same budget," Ragsdale told a full house at the Bijou Theatre downtown. "This budget focuses on critical tax needs with no frills. We considered taxing frills..."

4/26
County Commission, Mayor Discuss Important Things
Something, anything, nothing among things discussed

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. Reacting to rumors that important details of the county's 2010 budget would be leaked before County Mayor Mike Ragsdale's budget address on Tuesday, Knox County Commission called an extraordinary session early this morning and asked the mayor to attend. At the meeting, commissioners asked Mayor Ragsdale to promise that he would share any developments surrounding the county budget with the commission before they were released elsewhere.

The mayor insisted that he knew nothing of such rumors, but agreed that if there were anything to share, someone from his office would communicate something to commission first.

"I don't know what to tell you. I don't anything about these rumors," said Mayor Ragsdale at the meeting. "But you can rest assured, if anything happens, someone will tell you something."

"How can we be sure someone will tell us something, when it seems like no one's taking responsibility for nothing in this matter?" retorted Commissioner Paul Pinkston.

"I don't think it's fair to characterize this as, um, no one not taking responsibility for nothing," countered Commissioner Mike Hammond. "The mayor is someone. He's addressing the issue. That's something, not 'nothing.'"

"Well, if this is what he calls his 'something,' I'd hate to see his nothing," quipped Commissioner Greg "Lumpy" Lambert.

"I think we can all agree that no one wants to see.."

2009-04-26T10:52:00.000-07:00

4/23
'Fun in Parks' Bill Worries Local Officials
Fun is euphemism for "whoopee" say some, but others say measure lets cities, counties decide whether to allow armed recreation in city & county parks

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. Local officials are decrying a bill in the state legislature that they say would allow people to have "fun" in Knoxville or Knox County parks - and they say they'll fight to ban fun in local parks even if the bill passes.

Joe Walsh, the city of Knoxville's parks and recreation director, and Don Henley, the county's parks chief, cited many of the same reasons for opposing the bill.

"Look, I was in the Eagles for many years," Walsh said. "I know what people really mean when they say 'Hey man, let's have a little fun.' It's all sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll. Everybody was making whoopee. Then we had confrontations all the time between players, parents and groupies. Things can escalate. It only exacerbates it when you give people a license for fun."

Walsh, who lobbied state legislators last year to oppose the idea, said if the current bill is approved, he plans to push for a new city ordinance outlawing fun in all Knoxville parks.

In a letter to Sen. Tim Burchett, R-Knoxville, approved by Mayor Mike Ragsdale, Henley said he is "very much in favor of fun, frolic and making whoopee."

However, Henley continued, "as manager of one of the largest park systems in the state, I see this legislation making our parks fraught with peril for citizens...

4/22
County Commission Saves Citizens from "Information Overload"
Heroic Intergovernmental Committee defeats Commissioner Broyles' evil scheme to drown Knox Countians with commission minutiae

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. In its Intergovernmental Committee of Justice meeting yesterday, Knox County Commission came to the rescue of citizens who might bombarded with "too much information" from county government.

Cruelly, Commissioner Amy Broyles wanted to post the minutes of all county committees on the commission Web site. It would have applied to Finance, Intergovernmental, Ethics, Audit, the Board of Zoning Appeals, Beer Board and the Vehicle Fleet committees.

"I want to make government more accessible, more accountable and more transparent by forcing citizens to have access to all of the same information that we have to wade through," Broyles declared. "I want them to feel the same rising panic I do when the data dam bursts and I feel my brain slowly drowning in the knowledge flood. I want their tiny minds overwhelmed, just as ours are. I want them to FEEL - OUR - PAIN!"

"How can you be so fiendish to make such a diabolical proposal?" protested Commissioner Sam McKenzie. "Are you some kind of arch-fiend super-villain that you can be so unfeeling? Even Lex Luthor wasn't so vicious. With our meetings on cable access and our online Spat Room and our committee minutes available upon request, citizens are bombarded with us 24/7 if they want to be. We are already 'transparent' enough. If we're any more transparent, the citizens will see that the emperor has no clothes. And believe me, nobody, but nobody, wants to see that. It'll boil their eyeballs in their sockets."

"Exactly, that's the beauty of my evil scheme!" crowed Broyles. "When citizens are overexposed to all our meetings and committees and forums and minutes and workshops and task forces and press conferences, and they see with their naked eyes our petty squabbles and tussles and foofaraws and whoop-te-dos, then...

4/19
Knox County's Girth Fest
County celebrates Earth Day with excess, waste

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. Too ravenous to wait for the official date, on Saturday Knox County agencies, businesses and community members celebrated Earth Day four days early in a orgy of consumerism and trash disposal.

April 22 was first set aside as Earth Day in 1970 to recognize the nationwide environmental movement. Near the end of the Clinton presidency, however, as waistlines expanded, consumer debt grew and landfills mounted in Knox County, county leaders acknowledged that Earth Day would never be a hit in East Tennessee. With that in mind, Knox County's Girth Day was initiated to herald Knox County's disposable lifestyle and high rates of obesity, diabetes and arterial disease.

"With more fast food restaurants per capita than houses and more trash production than job production, Knox County embraces its role as a McFood Mecca," said Knox County Mayor Mike Ragsdale at a ceremony marking the Knox County Girth Fest's 10th anniversary. "We are truly the consumerist capital of the world, the Caesar's of McCow Palaces. If you've a yen to shop, don't worry - a developer will bring the strip mall to your home. If you're hungry, just wait a minute. Someone will build a fast-food joint on you."

"I think we've made our citizens more environmentally aware of their carbon footprint," said Jan Humus, city of Knoxville solid waste promotions manager and co-chair of Girth Fest. "And with all the funnel cakes, alligators on a stick and all the other fried foods eaten at the Dogwood Arts Festival and all the trash tossed down after the Orange and White Game today, that footprint's only gonna grow. Knox County's gonna need a bigger pair of Earth shoes after all the consumption today."

Girth Fest's first year in West Knox County's Concord Park drew about 3,000 people, who consumed about twice their weight in fried food - or roughly 1.5 million pounds. This year Humus estimated that more than 10,000 people celebrating Girth Day would consume about four times their weight in fried food, and possibly still be hungry enough to scour the surrounding wooded hillsides and strip it of all consumables.

Girth Day's more than 100 sponsors and vendors were both pleased and wary of Girth Day patrons' boundless appetite for consumption.

"Yes, we're pleased as punch that the people are here buying our new all-beef pancakes," said "Flap" Jack Tarr, owner of Flappin' Jacks, a fast-food franchise that sells a variety of burgers on a patented syrup-injected pancake-style bun. "Our Jalapeño Hot Cakes are selling like...

"Snark Bites" 04/12-18

2009-04-19T07:12:00.000-07:00

4/17
UT Vols to Scrimmage Knox County Officials
Exhibition match will replace traditional Orange & White game, raise funds for TIF project

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. The UT Vols' traditional Orange & White Game will not be held tomorrow, it was announced today. Instead, Knox County government officials will play an exhibition match against the University of Tennessee Volunteers football team.

Tickets will be scalped at the gates, and proceeds will help fund a Tax Increment Financing (TIF) project for a local blighted developer. Dwight Van de Vate, chief of staff for County Mayor Mike Ragsdale, said it would be a "great opportunity for Knox Countians to see county officials display good sportsmanship, because folks don't get many chances to see that in our government."

Mayor Ragsdale, acting as coach for Knox County, will lead a group of county officials and members of the Knox County Commission against new UT Coach Lane Kiffin's first Volunteer football team. Ragsdale said he thought the county had a "realistic shot" of winning the game.

"I realize they're football players and we're not, but we have a few trick plays up our jersey sleeves," said Coach Mayor Mike Ragsdale. "We've perfected our 'stonewall' defense during all the scrutiny my office has undergone. I'm an old hand at the old 'duck-and-cover' play, and several of our commissioners are masters of the 'pass-the-buck.' And everybody in county government knows the old fumblerooski. So, you know, I don't want to give them any scoreboard material, but we're a veteran team and I think we can put a few goalposts up on them."

One county official who's raising expectations as high as new property appraisals is County Property Assessor Phil Ballard. Ragsdale, however, was clearly seeking to prevent his rising star from getting a swelled head.

"Phil's doing OK," commented Ragsdale. "He's developed a knack for doing the old end-around. Now, we just have to teach him to do against the other team as well as he does it on citizens."

UT Coach Lane Kiffin explained that the scrimmage was an important lesson for his players...

4/16
Protesters 'Angry About Incompetence, Incumbents, Excess and Everything!!! (AAiiEE!!)'
Local "Protesters Without A Cause" join national "AAiiEE!!" movement

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. In a show of discontent with government incompetence as represented by TVA's coal-ash spill and Rep. Stacey Campfield's antics, a crowd Knoxville police estimated to top 1,700 people gathered on Market Square and dumped toy campers in the TVA fountains as part of a national "Angry About Incompetence, Incumbents, Excess and Everything!!! (AAiiEE!!!)" demonstration.

The local affiliate of AAiiEE!!!, who call themselves Protesters Without A Cause, Knox Ensemble (P-WACK-E), dumped the toy campers in the TVA fountains to "protest government waste and incompetence as personified in the extreme locally by TVA management and Stacey Campfield," said P-WACK-E spokesperson and organizer Kewl Tuffingdome. Curiously, Tuffingdome also said she lived in Campfield's district and voted for him often.

"Oh my, yes, I've voted for Stacey in every one of the previous elections he's been in - however many that's been now, 22, 23?" explained Tuffingdome. "He's such a nice young man, always knocking on my door, begging for my vote. Utterly incompetent - but so very nice."

Asked why she voted for Campfield if he was incompetent, Tuffingdome replied, "Why, it's important to have incompetents in office so we can hold these protests. Stacey is a symbol of incompetence we can really rally 'round. The truth is, a whole lot of us P-WACK-Ers voted for the boy. We vote him in, and then complain about the way government is run and then burn him in effigy. It gives us something to do."

Campfield had good-naturedly promised to take part in a dunking booth at the protest. He did appear briefly, but was spotted by process servers who are trying to serve him with a summons to Knox County General Sessions Court to answer charges by Meredith Leahy, a former tenant of an apartment in a house Campfield owns at 1122 Stewart St.

Leahy is suing Campfield for not returning her $585 deposit, plus the court's $102 filing fee and court costs, records show. Leahy alleges that Campfield refused to inspect the premises after she cleaned it to move out before her lease expired on July 31, 2008, and he has avoided talking to her ever since, so she filed suit to get her deposit back.

The process servers almost caught Campfield as he clambered into the dunking booth, but he saw them, splashed water on their summons to make them illegible, then made a dramatic dash across the World's Fair Park with the servers close on his heels, as the assembled throngs wildly cheered him on.

Campfield was last seen swimming upstream in the Tennessee River, his pursuers having given up the chase at the shore...

4/15
Group Wants Knox County Commission to Go Forward Backwards
"Going back to the way we were is the only way we can move forward," says spokesperson for group fighting commission downsizing

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. A group trying to reverse last fall's vote that reduced the size of the Knox County Commission filed a motion Monday afternoon asking Chancellor Mike Moyers to build a time machine and travel back in time and revisit their lawsuit, which he tossed out last month.

Moyers dismissed the case March 9, saying none of the plaintiffs had the legal standing to make the time-travel request, and besides, time journeys always end badly anyway.

County Commissioner Dave C. Wright, who represents East and North Knox County's 8th District, was among the plaintiffs. Other plaintiffs were Charles Drew, D. H. Andrew, Dustin Corum, Lee R. Johnson, Patti Walker, Carson Dailey, Marvin Marvin, and attorney Marty McFly.

The lawsuit, filed in November, seeks to fight entrenched nepotism, cronyism, favoritism and factionalism by targeting the Knox County Election Commission's certification of the Orange Petition, which led to a measure on last fall's ballot to reduce the number of county commissioners from 19 to 11, establishes anti-nepotism and conflict-of-interest policies and prohibits county employees from serving on the County Commission.

Voters narrowly approved the measure. The plaintiffs argued that, despite appearing to be aligned with their concerns, the anti-nepotism, cronyism, favoritism and factionalism amendment that passed was, in reality, a cleverly disguised tool of Knox County's behind-the-scenes powerbrokers, and was actually designed to help them maintain their power hold.

"Doc, you gotta believe me," explained Marty McFly, attorney for the Anti-Now Nine. "The group that used subterfuge to get this motion on the ballot is trying to maintain the behind-the-scenes power of Knox County's current Powers That Be."

"TPTB - that means The Powers That Be, if you didn't catch that - are trying to maintain their power by changing the status quo in order to maintain the status quo," added the Anti-Now Nine spokesperson Marvin Marvin. "They are very clever that way. But we are trying to break the power of TPTB. And since TPTB are trying to maintain the status quo by changing it, we are fighting to change the status quo by keeping it the same. The only course is for Knox County to go forward by going back. Going back to the way we were is the only way we can move forward..."

The Dogwood Snark Festival Is Underway!
Festival offers "Dogwoods gone wild!" in startling new direction for staid celebration

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. Call it a midlife crisis. Or maybe it's just a case of changing with the times. However you characterize it, as it approaches its 50th anniversary next year, the Dogwood Arts Festival is branching off in shocking new directions.

Lisa Duncan, who became executive director last June, said she is promoting a broader vision that combines kitsch, pop culture and food.

"We want Knoxville to be an arts destination city, but we did a survey last year and the only thing people ever seem to remember about Dogwood Arts is funnel cakes and artsy-craftsy-kitschy trinkets," she said. "So we are embracing what's memorable: Next year, we'll be renaming ourselves the Funnel Cake Arts Festival. But this year, we're throwing open the rest of the event to experimentation. Call it 'Dogwoods gone wild!'"

Duncan said that, despite the name remaining "Dogwood Arts Festival" this year, the organizers want to begin transitioning from dogwoods to funnel cakes in 2009.

"We want to honor our history and tradition with the dogwoods, so this year we are introducing Woody, the Dogwood Dog," explained Duncan. "The Woodies are little robot dogs that will guide visitors to different events and bark brief descriptions of each event. They will stay with us in the new Funnel Cake Arts Festival next year, and I'm sure people are going to love them."

However, robot dogwood dogs aren't the only way the festival will mark its heritage.

"We want to begin phasing in the funnel-cake emphasis this year," said Duncan. "Since funnel cakes are already such a fixture of the festival, it only seemed natural to find a way to combine the cakes and the dogwoods. So this year, the Dogwoods Trails will all feature funnel-cake shaped dogwoods. It's amazing what you can do with topiary..."

"Snark Bites" 04/05-11/09

2009-04-12T09:45:00.000-07:00

4/11
Knox 2010 Budget Scandal-Free So Far
Mayor touts audacious "no-new-outrages" budget for 2010

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. Knox County Mayor Mike Ragsdale aims to present a no-new-outrages budget for the 2010 fiscal year, even if property tax rates don't appear to be cooperating with that goal.

"That decision is the mayor's," Financial Scandal Director John Troyer said. "His instruction to me is to develop a budget at the same scandal rate as 2009. My role is to balance the boo-boo budget for 2010 using only the blunders from 2009 - which is quite a challenge, because I have no control over bungling in other county departments."

Troyer, who is working to put the scandal budget together for the mayor's April 28 presentation, said scandals are down about 5 percent, but property appraisal outrage has increased 35 percent over last year. Property appraisals easily make up a generous portion of the scandal budget when citizen outrage about them boils over.

"Citizen outrage at property appraisals is a very dependable scandal-generator," explained Troyer. "It's always simmering, but when property appraisals go up while everything else is going down, then we can count on that outrage to make up for any shortcomings we might have in our own office's outrage output or peccadillo production."

At the same time, the Knox County economy is faring better during the economic recession than many other Tennessee counties because of several "large, government-funded, tax-wasting employers," including the University of Tennessee, the Tennessee Valley Authority, the State of Tennessee and Knox County government...

4/8
Commissioner Wants County Take-Home Vehicles for All
Proposal aims to shame those currently using county cars into giving them up

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. Some 56 county mayoral and sheriff's employees, including many top-level administrators, would be shamed into giving up their county take-home vehicles under a proposal by Commissioner Mark Harmon to be presented at the April 27 commission meeting.

Harmon said he doesn't have a "good grasp of how much shame this proposal will generate yet, but it will be substantial." He said he expects to calculate the shaming total in time for the commission meeting.

Harmon is chairman of a task force that has been examining the use of shame and public humiliation for county officials who indulge in outrageous excess. Information provided to the task force by county departments shows at least 3,013 outrageous officials. The task force also found 516 take-home vehicles in total, including 136 in general county government and 380 in the sheriff's office, which mostly includes cars driven by patrol officers.

His motivation, Harmon said, is "to build the esteem of the average county worker and to bring us more in line with what other local governments do in terms of take-home-vehicle prestige by giving all employees county cars..."

4/5
Briggs Proposal Would Put County Under C.O.N.T.R.O.L.
Plan would use original 'Get Smart!' TV series' agency, not Steve Carrell's tepid 2008 movie remake

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. Control of Knox County government would fall under the auspices of C.O.N.T.R.O.L., the spy agency from the Get Smart! TV show, if a county commission proposal gets traction that would wrest control of independently elected fee offices away from C.O.N.T.R.O.L.'s nemesis, KAOS.

Legislation proposed by Commissioner Colonel Doctor Richard "Maxwell" Briggs, M.D., begins working its way through commission this month. Briggs argues that county government as it currently operates is dysfunctional and "would you believe that placing it under C.O.N.T.R.O.L.'s control would either make it work better or put the 'fun' in 'dysfunctional?'"

Briggs argues that having C.O.N.T.R.O.L. authorize payroll, staffing levels, salaries, contracts, warrants, wire taps, electronic surveillance, phone shoes, nude bombs and other functions historically controlled by individual officeholders would take the element of KAOS out of the budget.

County Law Director "Mr. Big" Bill Lockett, however, has said Briggs' proposal is built on faulty understanding of the dynamics of comedy and drama.

"What Commissioner Colonel Doctor Agent Richard 'Maxwell' Briggs, M.D., fails to understand is that you must have both C.O.N.T.R.O.L. and KAOS for things to be interesting," explained Lockett. "If everything is under one central office, then there's no tension, no conflict, and that's boring. Besides, you've got to give the people what they want, and in the last election, they said they wanted KAOS and C.O.N.T.R.O.L. in county government - a balance of sorts. It's like a Zen thing, a yin-yang thing. Maxwell Brigg's got a yen for yang, but with yang must go yin, or else you're doing an end run around the will of the people."

"The old zen-thing-yen-for-yang-but-you-gotta-have-yin-yang-end-run-around-the-will-of-the-people-double-talk trick, eh?" replied Briggs. "I've almost fallen for that before, but not this time, fella."

Speaking from the Cone of Silence, Dwight Van de Vate, Mayor Mike Ragsdale's chief administrative henchman, said,

".....................................raise the danged cone, Mr. Mayor? There! As I started to say, the fate of the free world, or at least the United States, or maybe the citizens of Knox County, or, at any rate, the fate of our next budget rests with Maxwell Briggs' plan."

Asked if his senior staff is currently in serious discussions to prepare the fiscal 2010 budget, which will be presented April 28 and which the commission must approve by June 30, Mayor Ragsdale said, "What? What? I can't hear you..."

"Snark Bites" 03/29-04/04

2009-04-05T06:12:00.000-07:00

04/03
Black Hole, White Elephant Gobble City, County Budgets
Convention center, Minvilla Manor: ravenous devourers of public funds

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. Two projects much doted upon by local government officials appear to be eating their governments out of house and home - and political capital. The Knoxville Convention Center white elephant, the pet of Mayor Bill Haslam's father, "Big" Jim Haslam, will require additional public feedings this year. And black hole has been discovered at the heart of Minvilla Manor, the pet project of Volunteer Ministries and the 10-Year Plan to Fund Chronic Homelessness, and a favorite of Mayors Haslam and Ragsdale.

A black hole develops when too much matter, usually in the form of cash and investments, gets concentrated in one project and becomes so dense that a gravity sink, also known as a money pit, cash drain, boondoggle or black hole, is formed.

Black holes can suck up all available funding and put such a strain on government resources and energy, that government officials wear themselves out dumping funds into the monstrous, money-sucking boondoggle. If not checked, black holes can grow to consume nearby properties, neighborhoods and even entire political futures...

04/02
Commission May Hold Sing-Off for Seat Reduction
Commissioners could adapt Marvin Gaye songs to decide who stays and who goes

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. While the Knox County Redistricting Committee was approving guidelines for redrawing district lines yesterday, an ad-hoc committee of Knox County Commissioners discussed proposals to determine which seats will be eliminated in the coming reduction of the commission chairs from 19 to 11. Commissioner Mark Harmon suggested the method that drew the most interest: Adapting Marvin Gaye songs, singing them before a live audience at the next commission meeting and deciding by audience reaction who keeps their seat.

"Marvin Gaye did several songs that seem well-suited to this occasion," said Harmon. "'What's Going On,' 'Mercy, Mercy Me' and 'I Heard It through the Grapevine,' just to name a few. Each of us could choose one, change the lyrics to fit the context, sing it for the audience, and whoever gets the most applause, their chair is retained and whoever gets the least is eliminated."

"Why not just choose one song and whoever does the best rendition, their seat stays?" recommended Commissioner Paul Pinkston.

"The same song 19 times? Don't be silly!" retorted Harmon.

"Well, why not?" persisted Pinkston.

"Because who wants to hear the same song 19 times," interjected Commissioner Amy Broyles. "The audience would get tired, and whoever sang the last 8 times would be the losers, obviously. I mean, by the time you got to the 19th, the audience would have a nervous breakdown."

Mayor Mike Ragsdale, who attended the meeting at the courtesy of the commissioners, offered a different concept.

"Couldn't you make it Lou Rawls songs?" pleaded the mayor. "I do a killer version of 'You'll Never Find.'"

He then sucked in his breath and intoned in a somewhat thin tenor,

I'll never find, as long as I live,
Someone who loves me tender like I do.
I'll never find, no matter where I search,
Someone who cares about me the way I do...

04/01
County Toots Horn for 'National County Government' Week
Knox to promote week of "good government awareness," May 3-9

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. Knox County is tooting its horn over its role in "National County Government" Week, May 3-9 - and county officials say they want you to do the same.

At a press conference this morning, Dwight Van de Vate, Knox County Mayor Mike Ragsdale's chief of staff, said, "We're so excited about announcing Knox County's participation in National County Government Week, we want to toot our horns about it! We'll be tooting on plastic kazoos and cardboard noisemakers at noon today, and we want the citizens of Knox County to join us! At lunchtime today, if you're in your vehicle, honk your horn in honor of your favorite county official or employee."

Knox County has teamed in a special cooperative effort with the Knoxville Tourism & Sports Corp., to promote the week. "Toot Knox County's Horn" will be the promotional slogan, said KTSC President Gloria Ray, and giant kazoos will be installed around the county, which, when tooted upon, will play a "fun-filled phrase that says something interesting and useful about Knox County."

"We're sure they'll be an enormous hit," said Ray. "And they were a steal at only $5,000 to $17,000 each..."

03/30
Lambert Threatens to Talk Commission to Death
Escalation of censorship flap may engulf entire commission in confabulation conflagration

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. In a growing war of words that threatens to plunge Knox County's legislative body into palavering pandemonium, Commissioner Greg "Lumpy" Lambert has accused fellow Commissioner Colonel Doctor Richard M. Briggs, M.D., of politically correct motivations in his efforts to censor Lambert for an incident at the March 23 County Commission meeting. And Lambert has warned that he will not be silenced - that he will, in fact, "talk Knox County Commission to death" to preserve the idea of freedom of speech.

"My vocals cords are my strongest firepower, my mouth my most potent cannon and my tongue my most explosive missile in the never-ending battle to keep the right to insult and intimidate people at commission meetings open to all," explained Lambert. "I won't take this lying down. I'll take it sitting down and talking, the way I usually do."

Lambert referred to talk that Briggs, a heart surgeon, wants to run for county mayor.

"And to do that, he thinks you have to be a yellow-bellied, chicken-livered, skunk-striped, fraidy-cattish, 'politically correct' jellyfish,'' said Lambert. " You have to be all nice and sweet and kissy-faced and never say the tough things people don't want to hear, which is why he wants to silence me, because what I say, people don't want to hear..."

Old "Snarls" or "Yikes!" column - Constitutionally Protected Cliches

2009-04-05T06:04:00.000-07:00

I am not sure when this was published. I'm thinking it may have been from just before "Snarls" started, which was in 2000, I believe. So "Constitutional Cliches" may have been one of the last "Yikes!" I did, except for a couple under the pseudonym "V. Lorne Hopps."

But "Cliches" is one of those I think never made it on line until now. Of course, since Metro Pulse deleted its archives, most of the ones that were on line prior to 2004 aren't anymore, so I may start trying to find them and post them just for the halibut.

Constitutionally Protected Cliches
To save us from ourselves, PCers want freedom of speech to become a thing of the past

by
Scott McNutt

The early bird may get the worm, but I've never been one for early to bed, early to rise. Of course, not even my mother would claim I am healthy or wealthy, least of all wise. Anyway, I've always preferred just to tie one on, burn the candle at both ends, and let the cards fall where they may. Even if I wake up hitched to a girl who got beat with an ugly stick.

You're probably asking, "Scott, What gives? You've become a walking cliche! Have you lost your marbles?"

I'll shoot straight with you: I'm playing possum. If I'm crazy, I'm crazy like a fox. I've seen the wave of the future, and the rising political tide will lift all boats and swamp them. So nobody better rock the boat anymore, because common sense has crawled under a rock, and only the politically correct are left to rock our cradle of liberty.

To PCers (pronounced "peckers"), the constitutional idea that each of us must protect the other's freedom of speech is like setting the fox to guard the chicken coop. Ironically, PCers believe they are the sentinels of liberty when they trample the Constitution under their heels. And no sense arguing once the PCers' minds are made up! Try to speak your piece publicly on some politically incorrect topic -- say, being anti-abortion: The PCers will shout you down by claiming you're the one yelling "Fire!" in a crowded theatre. They don't care that they're throwing the baby out with the fire hose water.

So we're all scared to death to break any political eggs in our omelet of democracy, because we fear getting our unjust desserts. Which means we all end up with egg on our faces, walking on eggshells down the primrose path of political correctness. Well, I'm no trailblazer. I'll follow the yellow-stained road. Lions and tigers and bears, like hell! I'll just speak softly and carry a big lawsuit.

Yeah, maybe folks who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, but everybody must get stoned. If they don't, these thin-skinned PCers are gonna have a cow, man. I mean, it's so easy to get their goat these days. Like shooting fish in a barrel. The PCers seem to have a monkey on their backs about everything. Always putting their high horse on a soapbox. Maybe if they'd just get off their pedestal and get drunk as a skunk, they wouldn't always act like they had a bug up their butts. But the tide of uncivil war has turned, and their ship came in on it. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em, I say. Anchors aweigh!

Surprised? Thought you knew me like your own brother, eh? Didn't believe I'd turn traitor on the Constitution? Beats turning the other cheek only to get poked in the eye with a sharp stick. Besides, everybody's doing it. And if you think that's a whopper, then somebody has been feeding you a hook, line, and sinker! This is no fish story I'm telling you.

Think you can still talk the straight talk? Well, remember, PCers have eyes in the backs of their heads, and even their ears have walls. So don't step on the wrong toes when you put your foot down. Even if your bark is worse than your bite, don't go spreading it around, because when you lie down with dogs, you may wake up with Big Brother listening to the flea in your ear. Better to let sleeping dogs hear no evil and speak no evil. And see no evil, either, because that may be Big Brother's fly on the wall.

With the PC police peeking through every keyhole, free speech's days are numbered. Don't buy that? Still standing by that old saw, "Give peace a chance"? Yeah, right. It'll have a snowjob's chance when hell freezes over. Put that in your pipedream and smoke it.

You may think tolerance is the cat's meow, but just try to live and let live; you'll wind up licking your wounds, because it's a dog-eat-dog world. And if you keep whistling past the graveyard, some loose cannon will get you with a shot in the dark. I'm telling you, right now using cliches is the only way to fly like an eagle that has landed. In other words, it's time to stand pat. Better to play it safe than sorry, because if you don't play, you can't win, even when the game is rigged. Catch my drift?

Maybe you think I'm trying to take you for a ride just to sell you down the river. Can't you see that's all water under the bridge we'll cross when we come to it? If you want, we can always burn the bridge later. For now, I'm just going with the flow of water over the dam. I'm not trying to rain on your parade. But when it's raining politically correct cats and dogs, we'll all drown like rats if we think we can just demand whatever floats our boats.

Let's play it smart and ride out this storm of uncivility. When the dove of peace guides the ship of state through the treacherous PC seas, and we're firmly anchored to sound Constitutional ground, and the sunshine of reason warms our hearts again, then we'll all eat pie in the sky over the rainbow of civil discourse.

Until then, we gotta keep up the act so the PCers will let down their guard. Sure, we look like chickens running around with our heads cut off. Let the PCers'll think we're cuckoo; they're counting their headless chickens before they hatch. Sure, we're crazy... like a fox left to guard the chicken coop!

Got a bone to pick with this piece? Blame Steve's Cliche List at http://www.phy.duke.edu/~stevel/cliches/cliche_list.html.*

*I'm pretty sure that link is long dead.

Unpublished "Funny Ha-Ha!" column for Knoxville Voice

2009-03-29T10:12:00.000-07:00

Following is a filler column I did for the defunct but lamented alternative biweekly, Knoxville Voice, in case I didn't come up with a more compelling one or if they needed a piece to insert an emergency. I'd forgotten about it, but it jsut popped into my head yesterday. I know I had one or two others. If I can find them, I'll post them here.

Note: This was written a couple of years ago, before the Anheuser-Busch buyout.

You Brew, Me Spilt
If people were beer, I’d suck
by Scott McNutt

It’s a time-honored tradition among talk-show hosts to ask celebrities, if they were something else, then what would they be? Ostensibly, the response to such questions may reveal more about the guest than a more direct line of questioning, thus delighting the audience with more insight into the guest’s character, hopes and dreams.

Also, it’s a grabby but glib substitute for substantive questions on serious issues.

In the spirit more of the latter than the former, I recently asked a few beer connoisseurs (not to say elitists), “If you were a beer, what would you be?”

Businessman and hunter Mike: “Tudor. It’s kind of a Nottingham Forest kind of thing. Kind of sylvan, of the woods. Woodsy beer. Or a Bavarian beer. Bavarians, they’re kind of the Texans of Europe.”

Architect and man-about-town Bob: “Stout. Hardy, full of flavor, full of life.”

Web site designer and raconteur Michael: “Fresh. Seriously, fresh. When we were in Seoul, we went out to three brewpubs in one night…now, most of the beer in Korea really sucks. Well, you’d like it, ha, ha, ha. It’s really lame…But the best beer I had in Korea was at the first brewpub, because it was the freshest. The hoppy bitterness of fresh beer is the allure.”

Physician assistant and wisdom-speaker Amy: “I would be the stout at the Third Street Firehouse in Tacoma, Washington, because it’s one of the nicest stouts I’ve ever had. Either that or a real honest-to-God Christmas German Bock. They are rich and creamy with a really good head, and they last forever.”

Much sexual entendre-ing ensues between Michael and Amy.

My wife Dana: “I’d just be a-”

Michael: “You’d be a blond. A full-bodied blond.”

More sexual entendre-ing ensues.

I wish at this point some well-dressed, successful young stranger sitting nearby had offered his opinion, something like: “I’d be a Budweiser. Universally recognized, profitable brand name, with well-financed corporate backing and diversified holdings, plus quality standards that ensure a consistent taste and safety standards that let consumers have confidence when consuming me.”

But that didn’t happen. In fact, the conversation faded into a melange of sexual entendres, about frothy heads and hoppy, bitter freshness, until I lamented, “It’s supposed to be a humor column, not a sex manual.”

“It can be both,” laughed Amy, to which Michael made some lecherous remark, and off went the group into another round of sexually charged tittering. It was a lost cause. So to salvage what remains of the column, let me humbly present a fable for our time, “Decrying Spilt Beer.”

“Decrying Spilt Beer”
If I were a beer, I’d be of the crappy mass-produced, mass-consumed light beer ilk that most of my friends disdain so much. Only instead of Miller Light or Bud Light, I'd be a product with a little more cachet for beer novices, maybe a Chinese beer called something like Huang Dong Extremely Pale Ale, at which true beer connoisseurs would snicker. Not because of my name, but because of my staleness, lack of flavor and limp body.

I'd be served at ubiquitous brewpubs, including locally, where I’d be purchased by some young up-and-comer with a zippy haircut wearing an $800 Joseph Abboud suit and tie smoking an Ashton Corona Gorda, who didn’t know anything about fashion or cigars or beer, but affected such anyway.

The bartender would give me to the young turk, who'd start to set me down next to the corner pillar of the bar. It would so happen that the young turk would be standing next to one of the regulars, who, sipping his fresh, woodsy Bavarian stout, would be feverishly describing the hoppy fresh bitter taste of his sylvan brew to his drinking companion.

And because he was talking excitedly, perhaps to a full-bodied blond sipping a frothy-headed, full-bodied blonde, the regular would be gesticulating wildly at the same moment the turk was putting me down, and naturally hand would smack hand, and down would fall Scott, the pedestrian-tasting Huang Dong Extremely Pale Ale.

Then Scott, the bland Huang Dong Extremely Pale Ale, with his tiny, tiny, little lips on his tiny, tiny, little bubble head popping briefly up out of his dreary puddle of Huang Dong Extreme Paleness, would plead "Help…me-eee! Pleeeeee-ase…help…meeeee-eeeeeeee!!!!"

And although some kindly soul with bar napkins, perhaps the full-bodied blond, would attempt to sop up Scott, the Huang Dong Extremely Blah Ale, some of my banal Huang Dongness would drip into the impossible-to-reach, -impossible-to-perfectly-clean crevice between the bar lip and the corner pillar.

All the while, some zippy-haircutted, $800-suited turk with a beer-stained tie and a damp cigar would be crying loudly about his spilt beer and decrying the safety standards of a bar that would allow his beer to be spilt in it.

The regular would offer to buy him another beer, but would persuade him to try something on draft, perhaps the rare rich ‘n’ creamy, long-lasting-with-a-really-good-head Christmas German Bock, or even a Tudor with extra Nottingham, to broaden the young turk’s palette. Also, draft is cheaper.

Despite their denominational differences, the regular, the full-bodied blond and the turk would strike up a conversation about how Bavarians are the Texans of Europe, so they know the advantages of fresh draft over stale bottle beer. Although there would be continuing disagreement over whether their brand name recognition, corporate backing and quality standards were shaky or solid.

And there, forgotten, a stain of me, Scott, the crappy Huang Dong Extremely Pale Ale, would linger on, dwelling always at the bar, never having been tasted, utterly unfulfilled. Even if I would have been flat, bereft of body, devoid of life and ultimately unfilling, anyway.

Moral: Crying over spilled beer may get you attention, but it does nothing for the beer.

"Snark Bites" 3/21-28

2009-03-29T09:49:00.000-07:00

3/28
Commission May Censor Lambert
"Well, y'all can just [censored] that idea," retorts Lambert

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. Knox County Commissioner Greg "Lumpy" Lambert may have future utterances censored by fellow commissioners fed up with his insults and his antics.

Following a confrontation Lambert had at Monday's commission meeting with a member of the audience, Commissioner Colonel Doctor Richard M. Briggs, M.D., said he considered proposing that commission censure Lambert, but says he reconsidered.

"Censure seemed too mild for Commissioner Lambert's offense," Briggs said. "Also, no one seemed to know how to proceed with the censure measure, so I thought he could be censored instead. We'll just start bleeping him."

Briggs said he plans to seek direction on the matter from County Law Director Bill Lockett.

Lockett confirmed that neither he nor any commissioners he consulted could figure out how to censure Lambert and noted that commissioners should defer to Robert's Rules of Order when their rules don't include a topic.

"Robert's Rules recognizes a motion to censor, which pretty much means when the offending party starts to say something, the rest of the members shout 'BLEEP!'" Lockett said.

Lockett also noted that he has received a request from the Robert's Rules of Order publisher, asking him not to mention Robert's Rules and commission in the same sentence, because it lowers people's opinion of Robert's Rules.

Lockett also noted that he has received a request from the Robert's Rules of Order publisher, asking him not to mention Robert's Rules and commission in the same sentence, because it lowers people's opinion of Robert's Rules.

The incident Lambert may be censored for occurred when a property owner asked the commission to vote that day on a rezoning. His zoning was opposed by another attendee and ultimately deferred.

Lambert went into the audience to speak to the property owner, then spoke to the other citizen on his way back to his seat. The citizen leaped to his feet and yelled that Lambert had threatened to [bleep] him.

Lambert disagreed with the citizen's version of events.

"I didn't threaten to bleep him," said Lambert. "I never said 'bleep.' What I said was, 'You ought to be ashamed of your [bleeping] self. It's not like you represent a whole [censored] neighborhood. You're one [bleepity-bleep-bleep]-[censored]-[redacted]-[redacted] guy hurting this man.'"

Briggs and other commissioners said they are concerned that Lambert tried to intimidate a citizen with bleeping.

"I have a bleeping First Amendment right to bleeping intimidate people with my bleeping," Lambert said Friday. "I didn't say anything I wouldn't bleeping say on microphone. If they want to bleeping debate it, I'll bleeping debate it. It's a free bleeping country."

But Briggs said it was more than the bleeping. It was that Lambert went into the audience and bleeped...

3/26
Commission to Redraw Districts into Animal Shapes
Horsey, doggy, gerrymander among creatures discussed

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. The magic number for transmogrifying Knox County Commission districts into cute animals is 42,042 or so. That's the target range members of the Knox County Redistricting Committee must reach when reconfiguring commission districts this spring.

The committee, composed of citizens and commissioners, met for the first time Wednesday to begin charting the course required by the federal "Voter Interest Enhancement Act," which compels local municipalities to introduce "a sense of fun and whimsy, even" into local political districts in an effort to generate more voter turnout.

The committee is also working to comply with an amendment to the county charter reducing the size of the Knox County Commission from 19 members to 11, because, as the amendment states, "19 commissioners is just too many for citizens to keep track of."

There will still be nine districts, but they must be redrawn, because the 5th District is larger than the other districts and currently has three commissioners instead of two, which is really three more commissioners than any district wants to deal with.

Most Knox County commissioners were on hand to lobby for their pet creatures, including Craig Leuthold, Mike Hammond, and Commissioner Colonel Doctor Richard M. Briggs, M.D., who were jockeying for position on the horse that the 5th District will become.

"I warn you, I'm riding that nag to victory in the next election, and neither of you will stand in my way," proclaimed Briggs. "Unless, of course, I'm running for mayor, in which case you can fight it out between yourselves."

Hammond, who is term-limited from serving in the 5th District again, replied that he'd be running "neck and neck" with Briggs in the mayor's race if Briggs chose to enter, while Leuthold, who is also term-limited, appeared to be eying an at-large commission seat.

"I like the idea of an at-large seat because I won't have to dress up like a horsey or a doggy or a trained seal or whatever to run for it," explained Leuthold...

3/24
County Officials Agree to Spank Inner Children
Ruling does not apply to commissioners, lobbyists or developers

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. As FBI agents raided county offices and seized records from County Trustee Fred Sisk's office, Sisk and other fee office managers agreed to symbolically spank their inner children for naughty behavior.

"I think it's the right thing to do," said Sisk. "I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get this behind us, and if I have to tan the hide of my symbolic little inner man, then I am certainly capable of that."

Some officials, however, objected to the use of corporal punishment, saying that they would, instead, scold their inner children.

"I don't believe in physical violence toward children, whether inner or outer," explained Register of Deeds Sherry Witt. "I will, however, give inner Sherry a stern talking-to."

Former County Trustee Mike Lowe, whom many consider to be responsible for the state of affairs in the trustee's office, declined to discipline his inner child in a statement released through his attorney, Gregory P. Isaacs.

"I haven't done nothing wrong, and I refuse to punish my inner child for something he hasn't done," read Isaacs. "If anyone tries to hurt a hair on the head of 'Lil Mike,' they'll have to go through me, and they better be ready for the mother of all battles."

Mayor Mike Ragsdale, through his chief of staff, Dwight Van de Vate, said he was "relieved" other county offices had been caught with their hands in the cookie jar...

If you want to get notifications when a new "Snark Bites" publishes, send me your email address and you will be added to the mailing list.

"Snark Bites" 3/15-21

2009-03-27T06:24:00.000-07:00

3/20
TVA, City Planned to Build Giant Zagnut Bar
Mammoth coal-ash confectionery would have been located on State Street site

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. As recently as 2008, the Tennessee Valley Authority and the City of Knoxville were considering building a 40-story candy bar made of coal ash and gypsum at the site of the State Street parking lot. Ultimately, though, TVA chose to stack the ash about 80 feet high at the Kingston Fossil Plant fly ash pond, where portions of two walls collapsed Dec. 22, sending 5.4 million cubic yards of contaminated sludge into the Emory River and the surrounding countryside.

Thus far, the State Street parking lot has been the spot where extravagantly expensive and vainglorious projects have gone to die. It was once the proposed location of a baseball stadium for the then-Knoxville Smokies. State Street was also the spot for former Sheriff Tim Hutchison's planned jail/helipad/cop cave from which he and his sidekicks would have sallied forth to thwart evildoers, and "Universe Knoxville," Worsham & Watkin's gigantic human-sized mouse maze SHOPPERTUNITY!® "experience." Recently, more modest residential/SHOPPERTAINMENT!® complexes have been proposed. To this point, however, it's still a parking lot.

TVA President and CEO Kilmore Trout explained that TVA had hired consultants to formulate a plan to deal with its mountains of coal ash.

"They came to us and told us to build a ziggurat, but we didn't know what that was, so we went with something else that had a 'z' and a 'g' in it," said Trout. "We felt a massive Zagnut bar would have been the signature structure on the Knoxville skyline. We went to city of Knoxville officials with the idea, and they loved it."

TVA's consultant for the project, Buzz Lightyear, explained that residents of the enormous Zagnut bar would have been issued special "Coal-Ash Ventilation-Environment" (CAVE) suits to wear while in the structure.

"The CAVE suits were purely a precautionary measure," added Lightyear. "When dormant, coal-ash is no more harmful than the additives in your average candy bar."

Trout says questions about the stability or safety of a monstrous coal-ash candy bar in the heart of an urban area didn't factor into the decision to not build on the State Street property.

"No, we finally looked up 'ziggurat' in the dictionary and finally understood what the consultants were trying to tell us," said Trout. "So we parted ways with the city of Knoxville and mounded up the coal-ash at the Kingston site. And, you know, we feel really bad about that."

However, some observers worry that the city of Knoxville was considering the project at all. Some question the viability of such an undertaking. Others suggest that, envious of all the attention citizens lavish on wayward Knox County, Knoxville is "acting out" to draw attention to itself...

3/18
County Officials Hope AIG Bonuses Distract Local Citizenry
Local officials seek relief from populace's fury, express hope that national events will divert attention from local gaffes

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. Many Knox County officials who say they could use a bailout to supplement their take-home cars and their comp-time pay also say they could just use a break from citizens' outrage at their antics. So the idea of tax dollars going to million-dollar bonuses for AIG executives is enough to make them envious - and hopeful.

"When you read that AIG executives are getting millions in bonuses for driving their company and the world economy to the verge of collapse, it's difficult to comprehend why Knox Countians are angry at us when we're only wasting hundreds of thousands of dollars on illegal comp time pay," said Fred Sisk, Knox County trustee. "I tell complainers, 'If you really want to be outraged at us, first see if you can get some of that bonus money channeled to us. Then I would be happy to endure your anger.'"

Knox County government, teetering on the brink of laughingstock status because it can't ever seem to get unmired from a series of scandals and missteps, has mostly been an unknown quantity to the public, in part because until recently it operated mostly behind doors and outside of view of the Sunshine Law and partly because Knox Countians are mostly apathetic. However, recent blunders like those in the trustee's office have drawn enough attention to make officials squirm.

Among those frustrated is Stephen Dupree, local author, actor and gadfly, who said questionable pay practices in some county fee offices, the recent contract extension for Hillcrest Healthcare despite ongoing concerns about its quality of service, and the mayor's feud with the county auditor were enough to make him disgusted.

"Giving tax dollars to phantom employees in the trustee's office is atrocious," said Dupree. "You don't reward people in the private sector for doing a bad job. Well, unless you're AIG executives, you don't. And you know, I'm really steamed about AIG, too. I believe I'll fulminate about them for a while."

Dupree is only one example of many local citizens who have been distracted from county faux pas in recent days to focus their wrath on the Obama administration's handling of AIG bonuses. County officials are cautiously optimistic that this could be the beginning of a trend, taking attention away from county government.

Knox County Commissioner Greg "Lumpy" Lambert, still smarting from constituents' reaction to commission's cave-in on the Hillcrest Healthcare contract extension, expressed the wish that Knox Countians would focus their attention on national woes for a while.

"I hope this AIG thing catches on and diverts attention from us for a while," said Lambert. "All the grief I'm getting, I'm starting to think this job isn't worth it if people are going to keep expecting us to pay attention and sort of, you know, do stuff - I mean, do stuff besides stuff for developers, that is. I tell you, I need a breather..."

3/16
Auditor Rubber, Mayor Glue in Latest Kerfuffle
County Mayor Ragsdale, Auditor Walls agree to meet later on playground to "settle score"

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. Knox County's auditor fired back at Mayor Mike Ragsdale this morning in a letter to the county's Audit Committee, leveling charges of "Liar, liar, pants on fire!" at the mayor.

Ragsdale challenged county auditor Richard Walls earlier this month to "meet him after school on the playground" in response to Walls' audit of the county's community grants program.

Walls' draft audit detailed the administration's alleged violations of the county charter and state law, including $757,500 in grants awarded over five years that may not have been authorized by commissioners or included in the budget. In the audit, Walls also alleged that the mayor didn't even know how much wood a woodchuck would chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood and concluded that the mayor was a "chucklehead."

Ragsdale said Walls not only failed to properly review the grants audit records, but also shirked other responsibilities he should have fulfilled in his eight years as auditor. He also viciously taunted Walls with "Neener, neener, neener" and called him a "fraidy cat."

In response, Walls wrote in a seven-page letter left on Ragsdale's desk in homeroom, "I know you are, but what am I?"...

"Snark Bites" 03/08-14

2009-03-15T11:17:00.000-07:00

3/13
County Government Rescinds Dress Code
Clown suits no longer required for county officials

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. Because of low voter feedback or interest, Knox County is discontinuing its practice of having government officials dress in clown suits.

"What we had was so much apathy to the issue that we couldn't get a true gauge of what the community felt," said Dwight Van de Vate, chief of staff for County Mayor Mike Ragsdale. "We thought the voters were outraged at all the stuff that's gone on in local government over the last couple of years, so that the least we could do was dress up for them a little. But nobody seems to be care. Perhaps we should have gone with hair-shirts and self-flagellation."

Van de Vate's staff received little response from a paper and online survey. The handful of voters who did respond were vehemently indifferent to the idea.

"I suspect that those who are quiet are probably in favor of it," he said. "It's a very controversial issue, and many people are not willing to share their views on it. A lot of citizens probably don't want to come right out and say 'Yes, I am in favor of my government representatives wearing clown outfits' because then it's a reflection on them. They have to admit to their family in other states that they approved of clowns in their local government."

But one local citizen who said he participated in the poll said he didn't see the need for the clown suits.

"To tell the truth, I can't tell the difference whether they're wearing the clown suits or not," said Knox Countian Siddhartha Suttree. "Clowns is as clowns does, and these are clowns even if they're in $500 suits with Gucci wingtips. With all the things that are on their plate right now in terms of budget and doing more with less, higher standards, they don't need to worry about what they're wearing on the outside. It's their inner clowns they need to control..."

3/12
Committee Mulls Installing GPS Devices on County Officials
Proposal would include placing Redflex cameras in City County Building

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. Installing global positioning satellite systems on county politicians, reducing the size of county commission by 42 percent and pooling politicians for use by multiple departments are among the suggestions an ad hoc committee of the Knox County Commission plans to present to the full panel for approval.

Commissioners Mark Harmon, Mike Hammond and Greg "Lumpy" Lambert each will submit proposals before the Commission's special April Fool's Day meeting.

Hammond said during Wednesday's committee meeting that installing GPS systems in the county's 1,114 political operatives - including off-the-books, unofficial "phantom" employees - would save money by reducing patronage, eliminating unauthorized political activity and increasing productivity. A 2008 study on Nashville's GPS program showed savings of 5 percent to 20 percent per politician.

"When the GPS was installed there was an immediate reduction in patronage," Hammond said. "We politicians don't like it when ordinary citizens can follow what we're doing."

However, Hammond added that saving money wasn't the driving reason behind the proposal.

"We really know very little about the behavior patterns of Knox politicians," he said. "Oh, we have lots of anecdotal evidence. We know some enjoy their lobster tails from Regas. We know a few frequent Bi-Lo parking lots in South Knox County. Others spend time browsing among the fascinating array of items available at J's Mega Mart in downtown Knoxville. We know a whole bunch of them in certain departments like county take-home vehicles. Then there are those who take pride in paying $195,000 to employees who are supposed to make $68,000 a year. And you'd be hard-pressed to find one who didn't dote on a developer or two. But there's never been a systematic, aggregative study of the Knox political herd's culture..."

3/9
Tussle Over Apron Strings
Knox fee officials disagree on who controls their allowances, want keys to the car too

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. A battle for control of Knox County officeholders' maturity is headed to a vote this month, with some county commissioners supportive of getting more control over the unruly little tykes and affected officeholders objecting that they are big enough to tie their own shoes.

"I'm a big boy now," protested Sheriff Jimmy "J.J." Jones. "I don't wanna eat my vegetables!"

The showdown is being triggered by Commissioner Richard Briggs' - also know as "Daddy Briggbucks" or "that mean man who just doesn't understand" - who proposes to formalize chores and discipline for the wayward tot officeholders.

Briggs argues that Knox County's charter has conservatorship over the elected offices of sheriff, trustee, register of deeds, county clerk and property assessor, which previously had been wards of the state, making county commission and the mayor de facto authority figures to those five positions. Briggs argues that this gives commission and the mayor a moral imperative to act in loco parentis to the headstrong fee officials and impose such discipline as deemed necessary, according to a 16-page legal adoption proposal prepared by Knoxville attorney Tom McAdams and presented by Briggs with his legislation last week.

That means those fee officeholders can be required to finish their chores before they receive their allowance, ask permission before they take the car, let the commission know what crowd they are hanging out with at all times, clean their plates and be in bed by 9 o'clock on school nights, according to McAdams' memo.

Under the Knox County code, the memo argues, a charter officeholder who spends beyond his allowance, doesn't fill the gas tank after taking the car out for a spin, acts out or in general is being too big for his britches "shall be spanked from office."

Mayor Mike Ragsdale is noncommittal about Briggs' proposal.

"We will respect both the parental perspective and the young adult perspective, as well as the advice of the Knox County law director in considering these difficult family matters," mayoral spokeswoman Susanne Dupes said. "But frankly, we have problems with corporal punishment, especially if we could be subject to it, too. Besides, there're enough loco parents running around county government already, don't you think?"

Law Director Bill Lockett said Friday that his office hopes to give commissioners a written response to McAdams' memo in time for committee meetings the week of March 16. His staff is looking at parenting books such as The Colicky Child, How to Deal With Your Acting-Up Teenager, How to Keep Your Teenager Out of Trouble and What to Do If You Can't and Parents Are From Mars, Teenagers Are from Another Universe, plus the movie Rebel Without a Cause for guidance regarding the independent officeholders' status...