Rich Dubya's Almanack Thingy for 2005
A compendium of advice and platitudes with attitude
by Scott McNutt
Forecasts
National: It’s my contention I’ve a secret plan to halve the deficit.
What’s my design?
Simply divine:
Through Jesus’ intervention, we'll have less of it.
Global:
Iraq a democracy will be,
or my wrath the Iraqis will see.
But like another George W, I cannot lie,
More Americans are sure to die.
Rational folks demand an explanation,
They forget -- ours is a faith-based nation.
Platitudes
Setting too good an example is a kind of slander seldom forgiven. So do as I say, not as I do.
Experience is an expensive teacher, so never pay your dues.
In this world nothing is certain but death and taxes. For the poor, that is.
Laws too gentle are seldom obeyed; too severe, allow more executions in Texas.
Three may keep a secret if two of them are dead, and the secret is not about Valerie Plame's CIA work.
Dead fish and Democrats stink after three seconds.
There never was a bad war or a good peace.
Little strokes fell great oaks, but bunker-busting nukes are cool!
Believe in the laissez fairy. The magic of the market will set all things aright.
Attitudes
Be sober and temperate-NOT! Ha, ha. Just kidding. Be those things in the latter part of your life -- after you've done the share you are entitled to of whoring, cocaine snorting, and booze guzzling. Make sure to have your old dad erase that glove compartment full of drunken-driving charges before you run for governor, though.
They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither, which is why they are living in my country now.
He that won't be counseled can't ever be proven wrong.
The opposition just has an ox to grind and an ax to gore.
It's not what you do or who you know; it's who you do it to and what you threaten to allow others to know about them.
Wealth is not his that has it, but his that enjoys it at the expense of others.
The three hardest things in the world are steel, diamonds, and to understand yourself. That's why I'm the toughest president there’s ever been!
Advice
Advice on the Art of Conversing: The great secret of succeeding in conversation is to admire little, to hear less, and to understand nothing; always to distrust your reason, and that of your friends, but to follow your gut; never to pretend to wit, but to buffoonery, adhere; to hearken not to what is said and to answer as if to another question entirely. And apply sophomoric nicknames to all and sundry.
Advice to a Young Tradesman: Know your place and stay there. This is our country now.
Advice to a Genteel Ne’er-Do-Well: If your birth you so can plan and manage, be the scion of a clan with advantage: Remember that family is money.
Your youth fecklessly waste, but early and often connections make: None know when the quid quo goes pro.
At business, fail early and often, but your own wealth put not at risk. Rather, have family and friends at the ready you out of danger to whisk: Remember, he does not possess wealth who allows it to possess him.
In mid-life, proclaim loudly the changing of your ways and wear proudly on your face your newfound grace: It's vulgar, but so's our culture.
In politics, early and often vote, and urge family and friends your candidacy to promote, especially those in Florida (whether 'tis legal or no, take no note): In such a fashion can anyone take residency in the presidency.
That is, it was the way anyone could attain the presidency BD (Before Dubya); but that was the way I did it, and it's mine now. Nobody else can use it.
See you in 2006.
http://www.metropulse.com/dir_zine/dir_2005/dir_1501/t_snarls.html
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