"Snark Bites" 10/19-10/25

10/25

'Flesh Mob Fizzles'

Amendment foes claim celebrity streaker backed out, supporters say 'non-event' was intentional; Hammond wants to know what happened to "flesh fees"

 

10/22

Palin Calls for "$150 Billion Fashion Bailout"

Ragsdale: Plan "good news" for local GOP clotheshorses

 

10/21

Amendment Supporters Plan "Flesh Mob"

Pro-amendment forces to streak in support of charter changes

 

"Snark Bites" 10/12-10/18

10/16

Knox County Law Director Cancels $40K Pickup Truck Order
Issues RFP for Batmobile instead

 

 

10/15

Scoobie D'oh: Moore Bounced from Commission for "Excessive Smirking"

"Who am I, why am I here" defense works for Pinkston

 

10/14

Amendment Foes Fear "Hyphen-King"

Hutchison: "No mayor-king unless it's me!"

 

This week's "Snark Bites" (10/5-10/08)

10/10
Ragsdale Accuses Sarah Palin of "Stealing His Material"
"That self-clearing bit is mine!" protests angry mayor

10/9
Commissioner Proposes Talk Tax
Revenues would fund study of who talks most and walks least in City County Building

10/8
Strange Phenomenon Sweeps Knox County
Water falls from sky, residents panic; street preacher blames "corrupt government"

10/7
MTV's "Real World" to Take Over County Government
County commission, mayor, to audition for roles in upcoming season of long-running "reality" show

This week's Snark Bites

10/2

Kress Building Conspiracy?

Is effort underway to obliterate last trace of infamous $19.65 charge at J's Mega Mart?

 

10/2:

Lobbyists Should Obtain Fishing Licenses, Says Hammond

Would impose limit on number of officials bagged, other restrictions

 

10/1

Commissioners Perform Adaptation of Kafka's "The Trial"

Performances have court audience howling, says court reporter

 

9/30

TIFs Don't Want to Work for Developer

"Please, please, please don't make us go work for 'Crackers' Graham!" beg the little greenbacks

 

New for Knoxville Voice -- Presidential Widgets

This is already up at the Knoxville Voice Web site. You should go check it out over there too. I see Jack Rentro's writing a column there now, and Jack's always worth a read.

 

Presidential Widgets

Now, 30 percent brighter!

by Scott McNutt

America thrives on commerce. We purchase all sorts of manufactured widgets in the marketplace --heavily researched, enticingly packaged, carefully marketed widgets -- such as toilet paper. Corporate giants like Kimberly-Clark and Proctor and Gamble spend millions of dollars determining what surface texture and what degree of softness will appeal to you, the consumer, then fight titanic marketing wars featuring animated bears or giggly children to convince you that theirs is the superior product. They spend big bucks to persuade you to wipe your ass with them.

Sometimes, as with the adult wet wipe toilet paper fad of 2001, a manufactured widget goes splat. You don’t remember the adult wet wipe fad of 2001? Both Kimberly-Clark and Proctor and Gamble introduced adult versions of wet wipes that year, then waged total corporate warfare on one another, each trying to convince us that their wipe could make our asses moister than their competitor. We said, "Yech," and ignored them.

Like toilet paper or any other manufactured widget, presidential candidates are researched, packaged and marketed. And like any widget, sometimes they work, sometimes they don’t. Sometimes, we take a chance on something different and are pleasantly surprised, like in 1884 when we bought into a widget named "Grover," and he worked out pretty well. Other times, we go with something standard and comfortable, like in 1856 when we went with a widget named James, and the result was a slow drift into civil war. So selecting a presidential product is like any other marketplace decision. Sometimes we go with the familiar and it’s a disaster. Sometimes we go with our gut and it’s heavenly.

In presidents and in widgets, America has made mistakes of great magnitude. We bit on presidential candidate Warren Harding’s 1920 malaprop campaign promise of "a return to normalcy" and gave him the election; he gave us the Teapot Dome scandal. Then we bought into the Hoover brand name and those Wall Street stock market shysters, which earned us the Crash of ’29 and the Great Depression. So we turned to the trusted Roosevelt brand to fix things.

In America’s marketplace, we’re never finished making mistakes. We proudly drove home the Edsel in 1958. In 1962, Richard Nixon said, "You won’t have Nixon to kick around anymore," and we believed him. In the ’70s, we bought 8-track tapes by the truckload while suffering through the Carter malaise. We also thought the Pinto was a neat-o keen car. We gave the Captain and Tennille their own variety show in 1976 and rewarded Rupert Holmes with a #1 hit for "Escape (the Pina Colada Song)" in 1979. And sure, when the colossal struggle between cassettes and 8-tracks broke out, some citizens (such as me) were on the wrong side of it. And again when the cassette fought the CD. And again when the CD fought the iPod.

But haven’t we’ve always quickly rectified these mistakes and emerged stronger from our missteps, gaining wisdom from our trials? Well, except in the case of Rupert Holmes. He got another top ten hit with "Him" early in 1980. Yeah, yeah, we also elected Reagan. And papa Bush. Read my lips: Better marketing. I digress. The point is, don’t we eventually recognize and recover from the error of our ways?

We’ve weathered VHS vs. Betamax, Cricket vs. Bic, laser disk vs. DVD, Apple vs. Microsoft, PCjr versus Commodore, extra-large vs. biggie fries and paper vs. plastic. Hell, we made it through Van Halen vs. Van Hagar. We survived all these marketing campaigns and became more selective consumers. Right? Wrong.

Maybe now that America’s finances, military, infrastructure, transportation systems and reputation are in the toilet, buyers’ remorse will finally set in with even the most stubborn of Bush brand users. George W. Bush is the adult wet wipes toilet paper disaster of the presidential set – except he had a successful marketing campaign. So we elected him twice.

Bush is all the failed product fads and get-rich-quick cons we’ve fallen for. He is every Ponsi scheme and Nigerian yellow cake scam America ever bought into. He’s every used-car salesman who sold us a lemon and every $10 trollop dolled up like a $1,000 courtesan who picked our pocket while giving us a ride. (Metaphorically, of course -- America would never resort to hookers.)

He’s New Coke, Crystal Pepsi, the Arch Deluxe, Polaroid Instant Home Movies, the Delorean, Apple’s Newton, Harley Davidson perfume, Campbell’s Souper Combo, Clairol’s ‘Touch of Yogurt’ shampoo, RJ Reynolds’ Smokeless Cigarettes, and Milli Vanilli all rolled into one.

But all his marketers had to do was position him as the kind of widget it’d be fun to drink a beer with, and we allowed the Bush brand to wipe its ass with us.

None of which says anything about whether the Republican "Lipstick-on-a-field-dressed-moose-oh-we-have-the-old-guy-too" pitch or the Democratic "Plus-ça-change-plus-c'est-la-même-chose" schtick will work next month. All I know is, I’m glad you people can’t buy the Bush product line again. Now excuse me while I crack open this brewski and decide which presidential widget I’d prefer to share it with.