"Snark Bites" 11/15-21/09

11/17

County Commission Votes Against Homelessness

Commissioners say vote reflects "shock and awe" at very notion of people being homeless

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Knox County Commission voted 15-4 Monday to kill homelessness in West Knox County after taking officials to task for allegedly fast-tracking the project to introduce the idea of "the homeless" to the West Knox area.

While most commissioners said they want someone to help homeless people and in theory support a Ten-Year Plan to Fund Chronic Homelessness, they would prefer someone do it somewhere else where they don't have to see it.

Additionally, they were incensed at having the concept of homelessness sprung on unsuspecting West Knox Countians in such a forward manner, in defiance of good manners and taste.

"What, homeless people?" gasped an astounded Commissioner Mike Hammond, whose 5th District includes the property. "You honestly expect us to believe there are homeless people in Knox County? Stop pulling my leg...Wait, you're serious? There are? Well, I'll be...Whoda thunkit?"

Commissioner Mark Harmon said, "Oh come on. West Knox Countians never conceived of the possibility that there might be homeless people here? That is so bogus."

"Nope, never," replied Hammond sympathetically. "I'm shocked, shocked, I say, at the very notion. 'Homelessness' never crossed our minds - it's inconceivable to us. At the very least, it's not been properly vetted. If you truly want us to ponder the idea of 'homelessness,' give our book club the novel. Then we'll have a roundtable discussion on it over coffee and donuts."

The proposal would have allowed the county to relocate as many as two dozen homeless individuals into West Knox County - albeit with close supervision.

Commissioner Colonel Doctor Richard M. Briggs, M.D., also of the 5th district, gently criticized the location, the potential price tag and the timing.

"This is not the right place, the right price, or the right time" he said, his face full of compassion for his constituents. "You can't just spring something like the idea that there are people without homes on a home-full community and not expect to have a little disbelief."

Asked what the right place, time, and price would be, Briggs generously replied, "Well, obviously, you can't say exactly where or when or how much is the right time to think about a concept like this. But, equally obvious, the right place is someplace other than here, the right price is something other than the cost to our psyches and the right time is a long, long ways from now."

Ten-Year Plan Director Jon Lawler countered that West Knox Countians would have to "deal with the concept sooner rather than later because the plan followed the wishes of both County Commission and Knoxville City Council. They told us to spread the reality of homelessness throughout the community instead of concentrating the concept 'in the psyche of those at the urban core.'"

"But if gritty urban core psyches are already burdened with the concept, why are you trying to sear it into our unsullied brains?" protested Briggs, as empathetically as possible.

"What part of 'shared community responsibility' don't you get?" interjected an exasperated Commissioner Finbarr Saunders...

11/20

Library Patrons Feel Threatened by Books

Guns needed in libraries to protect from subversive ideas, claims "gun art" organization

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - After an incident in which a man claimed he needed a gun for protection against the radical ideas inside the books at its Fountain City branch, the Knox County Public Library system has posted signs proclaiming, "Books Won't Hurt You."

Such a sign has been posted for decades at the Lawson-McGhee Library in downtown Knoxville, but not at the 17 branch libraries, said Larry Frank, director of the library system. Frank wrote a memo to Knox County Law Director Bill Lockett about the harmless nature of books after a man came into the Fountain City library with a handgun claiming he needed it to defend his innocence from seduction by the alluring temptations of "book learnin'."

"Although the patron questioned the wisdom of keeping such fearful instruments as books right out in the open where anyone might be exposed to them, he did not do anything else that could be perceived as absurd," Frank wrote. "The situation did make members of my staff and other library patrons roll their eyes and say, 'Happiness is a warm book.'"

Lockett wrote back to Frank that any entity of local, state or federal government is "authorized to express incredulity at people so afraid of their environment that they even need guns to protect themselves from books - but it's still best to give due notice that books are harmless. Notice of the harmless nature of books shall be posted in prominent locations, and the notices should be spelled slowly for those with reading difficulties."

Chief Deputy Law Director Joe Jarret also said, "Tennessee law provides that a public library system may provide proper signage to alert citizens that documents won't hurt them. This is true whether a person can read or not. I recommend a sign that says, 'Books don't hurt people - People hurt people.' It's the sort of rhetoric they'll understand."

But Will Popakapeneu, spokesperson for the group, Gunners United in Artful Respect for and Defense of Depictions of an Oeuvre with Guns (GUARDDOG), which first came together to advocate for government-sanctioned gun-art installations in public places, says county officials are being naive.

He and a group of fellow GUARDDOG members gathered outside the Lawson-McGhee Library to decry the concentration of perilous thought in the tomes inside the building. Likening the library to an arsenal that might touch off a conflagration of subversive attitudes, Popakapeneu said library patrons have a God-given right to carry guns to protect themselves from frightening knowledge...

11/21

Commissioners May Ignore County Charter, State Finds

Pay no attention to that pesky charter," says state election coordinator

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - In an opinion issued Friday, state election coordinator Mark Goins said that, in regard to constitutional issues, Knox Countians would be better off consulting crystal balls, Ouija boards, Tarot cards, tea leaves or the entrails of dead animals rather than their own county charter. This interpretation paves the way for county commissioners to run for multiple seats simultaneously and to serve unlimited terms and gives explicit permission for county officials to thumb their noses at county residents and say "Nyah, nyah, nyah" to them.

Goins issued his opinion in response to a request from Knox County Administrator of Elections Greg Mackay to help the county get through just one election cycle without another constitutional challenge. Mackay asked for clarification in regard to the term-limits language in the Knox County Charter. The relevant language of the charter reads

...no person shall be eligible to serve in any elected office of Knox County if during the previous two terms of that office the person in question has served more than a single term.
(Knox County Charter 9.17.A)

Specifically, Mackay asked if "more than a single term" actually means "more than a single term." Goins cited a Magic 8-Ball message that read "My sources say 'no'" to interpret that the passage didn't actually mean what it said and thereby to discount partial terms in calculating term limits.

"Based on the Magic 8-Ball's message, clearly, 'more than a single term' does not mean 'more than a single term,' and, in fact, means something entirely different. Therefore, you should disregard that charter passage in its entirety when determining the eligibility of a candidate for County Commission to seek another term as a county commissioner or anything else that shakes his or her groove thing," explained Goins...

"Snark Bites" 11/08-14/09

11/09

Hopeless Politicians to Be Relocated to Nimbyville?

UT President's house also on list of possible sites for hopeless complex

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Objections to a possible apartment complex to house chronically hopeless politicians in West Knox County have already arisen, as hordes of West Knox Countians descended upon the Knox County Commission's Finance Committee yesterday to rattle their jewelry at the commissioners in protest of the plan. Residents of the urban core also attended to voice support for the project.

Commissioner Richard Briggs, whose 5th District includes the property targeted for the project at 125 Debusk Lane between Lovell Road and Pellissippi Parkway, articulated the West Knox County horde's concerns about the project. Briggs noted the project first got public attention Nov. 3 when it was presented to the Council of Owners of the West Knoxville Neighborhood Association's People Pleased with Insular Exclusivity, Synecdoche (COWKNAPPIES). He said that "more time is needed for us to absorb the shock and awe of the brazenness of the suggestion that a project like that with people like those might go in a place like this among people like us."

"There are three to four concerns people have," Briggs said. "First of all, they're paying a high price for this plan, over $500,000 for the lot, which makes it a pretty ritzy neighborhood, which is in keeping with West Knoxville, so that is OK. But it prompts us to ask - can hopeless politicians afford that? After their political careers dead-end, don't they go be sales people or teachers or other low-paying jobs? Also, this is right near a daycare center and a liquor store - and those aren't the kinds of places politicians are accustomed to hanging out. OK, well the liquor store, maybe. But really, in our part of town there's not a lot of social centers such as the courthouses or county-provided vehicles like they like to frequent. Surely they'd be happier someplace else."

Briggs said the commission should look at places "where they can get the most bang for the buck - because although you can get a lot of bang in West Knox County, it takes more bucks than most anywhere else in the county."

The proposal by the Mayors' Ten Year Plan to Fund Chronic Political Hopelessness would direct $500,000 to buy a small lot on Debusk Lane. The price of the land would be $500,000 or whatever the owner can get for it, whichever is more. The contract will go before commission Nov. 16.

The commission has urged Ten-Year Plan officials to locate hopeless politician facilities throughout Knox County in hopes of preparing for the overflow of hopeless politicians soon to be leaving office.

Said COWKNAPPIES member Marvin Marvin, "Who would spend that much money to house a few hopeless politicians? Nobody out here - That's what we pay for a small single-family housing lot. Now, we're not saying they can't build it here, because we believe property owners have an absolute right to build whatever they want on their property. We just thought the really high prices out here would keep anything we didn't like from being built. But look, we don't even have any sidewalks for them to be out on, begging for votes or whatever it is those sorts of people do..."

11/11

Lambert Announces 'Farewell to Outrage' Tour

But feisty commissioner will return after taking "soapbathable" to be tutored by State Rep. Campfield

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Amidst tears and some rejoicing, Knox County Commissioner Greg "Lumpy" Lambert announced his "Farewell to Outrage" tour, saying he would not seek a second term as the commission's designated scandal-generator. Both the tears and the rejoicing stemmed from Lambert's statement that this was not a final farewell tour - that he was merely taking an extended furlough to recoup his creative powers and prepare himself for even greater heights of outrage.

Speaking from the stage at the venerable Tennessee Theater, Lambert explained, "This isn't the final outrage, just the farewell outrage tour. What I've realized is, it's hard work to keep coming up with something new to regularly scandalize the community. I need some time off, so I'm taking a soapbathable to-"

"A what?" came a chorus of reporters' voices.

"A soapbathable," explained Lambert patiently. "It's something I understand a lot of great artists do - da Vinci, Archimedes, Douglas Adams, for instance. You take a break from the studies, draw a nice, warm, sudsy bath and soak in it for a while to re-energize yourself."

"Oh, a 'sabbatical,'" called the reporters chorus.

"Whatever," continued Lambert. "A soapbathable really gets the juices flowing. And to get my creative juices going even more, I'm going to be studying under a man I'd like to bring on stage right now, my close friend and advisor, Stacey 'The Mask' Campfield!"

Straight from his triumphant star turn as "The Mask" at the UT-South Carolina game on Halloween night, State Rep. Campfield, adorned in his Mexican wrestler "Luchador" mask, yellow two-piece suit, suspenders and a tie, slid from the wings proclaiming, "Sssss-smokin'!"

"C'mon over here and meet 'n' greet the people, Rep," invited Lambert, congenially.

"Ingreda Peebles? I don't believe I've had the pleasure of the lady," parried Campfield, striding herky-jerky about the stage...

11/13

200 Voice Opposition to Housing Vols in West Knox

"They need to stay on their football field where they belong," say opponents of plan to socialize football players

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Coming on the heels of yet another lawless incident involving members of the University of Tennessee Volunteers football team, more than 200 people crowded into a West Knox County senior center Thursday night to express opposition to a proposed apartment complex intended to help university athletes integrate themselves into society.

Members of the group Really Opposed Citizens of Knox to Youths Training to Operate Productively in Society (ROCKYTOPS) attended the public hearing, held by the county, to express their criticism, concern and disdain for the plan to build the apartments on Debusk Lane between Lovell Road and Pellissippi Parkway. Among the worries were fears children at a nearby daycare center would be challenged to pick-up games of touch football, that the lack of athletic training facilities near the site would tempt the players to play in the street, and the dearth of player-favored Pilot convenience stores nearby.

The plan is being proposed by the Mayors' Decades-Running and Ongoing Plan to Kick Investments from Citizens of Knox into "Volunteers'" Opulent Lifestyles, Seriously (DROPKICKVOLS). Funding for the project is on Monday's Knox County Commission agenda.

Commissioner Mike Hammond, who represents the area and attended the meeting at the Frank Strang Senior Center, drew loud applause when he promised he will ask for a timeout and for officials to give personal foul and delay of game penalties to the football players arrested earlier in the day.

Hammond's promise addressed one complaint by many at the hearing - that the county is trying to rush the project through the goalposts without enough public input.

"Why can't we have a time out?" ROCKYTOPSer Monty Mossback asked. "You're not going to change our minds about this game plan because we don't like it."

Commissioner Colonel Doctor Richard M. Briggs, M.D., who also represents the area, said he opposes any more penalties or timeouts and wants the game over with.

"I'm going to line up and stop this play whatever they run," he said. "The fans here don't want it. Those people should stay on their football field where they belong and not on our streets where they don't belong. They could be a danger to the lifestyle to which the people here have become accustomed - which is to say, one where these people here don't have to see those people there..."

"Snark Bites" 11/01-07/09

11/02

Last Chance Not to Vote in City Elections

Citizens indifferent to representative government look forward to not voting Tuesday

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - The largest turnover on Knoxville City Council in 8 years will be decided by the few rather than the many Tuesday - and that's exactly how citizens here like it, according to spokespersons for a group claiming to represent Knoxville's "silent, indifferent majority."

"Battlin'" Bill Brownlow-Barnstormer, of West Knoxville's Riversound area and President of Knoxvillians Not Interested in Government Heeding Their Suffrage or Working to Help Oversee Services Aimed for Your Neighborhood, Incorporated (KNIGHTSWHOSAYNI), says not voting for city council representatives is Knoxvillians' most fundamental right and duty.

"Not voting in city council elections is the absolute bedrock right of every Knoxvillian, and one of the things that makes Knoxville such a great community," explained Brownlow-Barnstormer. "Being apathetic to another election of so-called leaders who will shape policy affecting all aspects of our community doesn't mean we don't care about who runs Knoxville - we do. It's just that we trust a few power-brokers to run the city more than we trust ourselves to elect someone to do it."

Brownlow-Barnstormer's sentiment is one that KNIGHTSWHOSAYNI Secretary Hosmer Windibank-Mabry shares.

"I think it's wonderful that we have one last chance not to vote for city council," said Windibank-Mabry, of Island Home. "It's a rare city that offers you multiple opportunities to pass up the chance to exercise your suffrage - early voting, absentee voting, or voting on election day - comfortable in the sincere knowledge that you don't care who represents you on city council. Just letting the powers behind the scenes run things is a rare, rare privilege - and I, for one, enjoy exercising it. We are duty-bound not to vote..."

11/04

Knoxville, Knox County May Recall Voters

Faced with disappointing election turnouts, government officials ponder voter improvements

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Faced with distressingly diminishing election returns, leaders in Knoxville and Knox County are considering a number of options to improve both the quantity and quality of local voters. The proposals include recalling the suffrage from voters who fail to exercise their franchise in 4 or more consecutive local elections, revoking the registration cards of indolent voters, extending the franchise to groups seen as more engaged in the civic process and instituting a voter draft, among many others.

At a hastily called summit meeting between city and county leaders, representatives tossed out a variety of ideas for consideration.

"Something must be done," said City Council Member Rob Frost. "A firm stance needs to be taken that there are limits to the degree of indifference the body politic can take from the voters that stand as its head - or do the voters stand as the feet of the political body? - Anyway, if people don't vote in a defined number of consecutive local elections, say 4, their franchises would be recalled."

"What would we do with the recalled franchises?" asked Council Member Barbara Pelot.

"Repossess 'em," suggested County Commissioner Paul Pinkston. "Strip 'em down and resell 'em for parts."

"Maybe we could just revoke their voter registration cards if they haven't used them for a while and make them go through a civics class to reclaim them," suggested Council Member Joe Hultquist. "I hate to deprive anyone of the franchise entirely."

"I agree," said Knox County Elections Administrator Greg Mackay. "I'd rather use the carrot than the stick to get out the vote, because you attract more flies with carrots than you do with sticks."

"Depends on what the stick's been poked in," drawled Pinkston...

11/07

'Black Jersey Day' Proclaimed Local Holiday

Homecoming designated as new holiday to commemorate Vols' non-losing record; fans go wild

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - As frenzied fans thronged the Strip, packed bars, and poured into retail outlets to purchase any and all black- and orange-colored merchandise in sight, on Saturday, the University of Tennessee's annual homecoming game day was designated "Black Jersey Day" to commemorate the Vols' re-attaining a non-losing record. The Vols' record currently stands at 4-4; the team has previously been 1-0, 2-2, and 3-3 this season. Volunteer Head Coach Lane Kiffin and officials from UT, Knoxville and Knox County were on hand to mark the occasion.

Speaking at Neyland Stadium before a crowd estimated in the hundreds of thousands, UT Athletic Director Mike Hamilton noted that, in addition to marking the Vols' achievement of a non-losing record for the fourth time this season, "Black Jersey Day" offered the possibility of the Vols attaining other milestones.

"Besides reaching a .500 or better record for the fourth time this season, tonight's homecoming game with Memphis provides the opportunity to have a winning streak for the first time since the first week of the season," cried Hamilton. "Is that just magnificent?"

With that announcement, the crowd roared its approval of the Vols' return to greatness.

"Even better, this game offers the possibility of having a winning record for the first time since Week One of ther 2009," proclaimed Hamilton. "Isn't that simply stupendous?"

At that, the crowd, cheering madly, rushed onto the field.

"And none of these milestones would be in sight if it weren't for Head Coach Lane Kiffin and his black jerseys!" trumpeted Hamilton, as the crowd surged past him and tore down the goalposts. "Isn't it almost inconceivable?"

"Kiffin's a wizard, a magician!" called one fan.

"This is better than reaching the SEC Championship Game two years ago!" cried another.

This is better than winning the national title in '98!" yelled another.

"Lane Kiffin will take us to national titles in 2010, 2011 and 2012!" cried another.

"Lane Kiffin is bigger than Jesus right now!" screamed a single fan whom the crowd immediately tore apart like a tear-away jersey.

"If we go to a bowl game this season, I'll name my first-born child after him!" shrieked yet another fan.

"Well, I'll rename all my children after him if we end up with a winning record!" countered another.

"Is that so? Well, big guy, I'll change my name to 'Lane Kiffin' if we end the season with a non-losing record! What do you say to that?" retorted the first.

"I say I'll change mine to Layla Kiffin!" spat the second.

"Oh yeah? Then try changing your teeth!" said the first, smacking the other across the face. Soon, the swarming mass of fans had descended into a general melee...

"Snark Bites" 10/25-31/09

10/30

DeFreese Demands Freedom from Health

"Keep your hands off my germs!" says feisty former commission appointee

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Citing the right to "life, liberty and the pursuit of illness," former Knox County Commissioner Victoria DeFreese is lobbying commissioners to stop spending $1.4 million in federal dollars to keep citizens healthy through flu vaccinations.

The funding was approved Monday on the consent agenda by County Commission.

"The government has no right to tell us what viruses and bacteria we can have in our bodies," said DeFreese. "The Constitution gives us the right to keep and bear germs. Beware of presidents declaring so-called 'national health emergencies' - it's an excuse to confiscate our germs."

DeFreese, seeking election in 2010 to the commission's South Knox County 9th District on a platform of "Health-Care Free," sent an e-mail message touting the glories of illness to county commissioners and others. The email included links to the Web sites of the characters Pig-Pen and Moonbeam McSwine from the cartoons "Peanuts" and Li'l Abner," respectively. One commissioner said the linked Web sites were "radical opinion" venues.

"My concern is that a lot of money is going into H1N1 preparedness," DeFreese said. "It would appear to me that some pharmaceutical company is trying to make money capitalistically by selling this vaccine. They should be doing it socialistically and giving it away for free, so I can remain consistent in my views - because I really want to support capitalism, but I'm having a hard time getting behind buying this anti-virus stuff."

DeFreese also noted that unhealthy lifestyles were "under attack by a government bent on controlling every aspect of our health - right down to how often we trim our toenails."

"They already tax liquor and tobacco products and declare other things that are bad for you illegal, and they've already banned smoking everywhere," she said. "Where does it end?"

DeFreese then articulated her fear of how the future would unfold.

"Now, they're talking about taxing sodas and other sweet stuff that's bad for you," she said. "How long before there's an outright ban on yummy goodness? Next, it'll be red meat and salty snacks. And then they'll come for your germs. Pretty soon, they'll be taxing your germs and banning you from carrying them into public buildings. In the near future, they'll set up health-check booths and warn you that if you have contraband germs on you, your germs will be confiscated and you'll be arrested and quarantined in the prison hospital. That is the future. So, we must fight the future. We must declare all-out germ warfare. They'll take my germs over my dead body..."

10/27

County Officials May Get 'GYPS' Systems

Proposed devices would use shocks, earworms to thwart tempted politicians

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - A proposal approved Monday by Knox County Commission could lead to key county politicians having GYPS (Governmental Yearnings for Perfidy Shield) units installed to cut down on officeholders being tantalized by temptation. This latest proposal would replace a previous recommendation to have GPS systems installed on county officials.

According to the GYPS creator, Dr. Hanz De Puhlin-Lehger, the experimental device works on the same principle as an electric dog collar, only the GYPS unit delivers a shock whenever a politician begins to act on a yearning to succumb to temptation. Puhlin-Lehger says the GYPS system is still undergoing testing.

"South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford was the first trial subject for the GYPS," Puhlin-Lehger explained. "Sanford may have been an unwise choice, because his temptations are such a driving force that his nervous system was receiving shocks virtually 24 hours a day - which may explain why he thought he was hiking the Appalachian Trail when he disappeared some months ago."

Puhlin-Lehger did, however, note that the experiment taught his design team that the GYPS' shock voltage regulator could be set much higher because "the political nervous system seems in many ways geared to thrive on shocks, as if politicians' backbones were essentially giant shock absorbers."

Commissioners debated the relative merits of the GYPS system with little discernible headway.

"I think it's important to look at savings," said Commissioner Mike Hammond, who initially proposed the GPS system and then abandoned it in favor of the GYPS. "With the GPS, we could track our movements, but we couldn't really stop ourselves if we were tempted to use vehicles for non-county business. If we receive shocks every time we get into a county vehicle, then we may not drive so much, thereby saving money. Plus, citizens may get a kick out of knowing we'll receive a jolt every time we get into a county car. We owe it to the taxpayers to do this in a way that's both efficient and entertaining."

The commission approved issuing a "request for sucking up" to get an idea of the costs of installing GYPS systems in certain politicians. A request for sucking up gets data from companies on the costs for services they provide and a feel for what extras and perks they offer, but it's not a formal bid for the contract, said John Troyer, chief finance director. "The contract's when we really squeeze 'em for freebies," he added.

Hugh Holt, deputy finance director, said it would cost between $367 to $4,367,000 per month to monitor the 101 officials under consideration for the units. Holt said it would cost between $4.48 to $500,165 to install a GYPS system.

Puhlin-Lehger said the wide variance in potential cost was because the GYPS system is still being finalized.

"Plus, we are still experimenting with special features," he said. "For example, the aural-torment cognitive-dissonance temptation dissuader, which blasts Cher's gut-wrenching '70s hit, 'Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves' directly into the eardrums of GYPS-outfitted politicians the moment they succumb to temptation - is available for only $749,999.99. For an even million, we'll upgrade to her head-splitting '90s hit, 'Do You Believe in Love.'"

"Zoiks," said Commissioner Paul Pinkston. "It's quite a fee to GYP ourselves. Couldn't we just slap one another and give each other an earworm like 'I'm Too Sexy' and call it even?"...

10/25

County Commission Costume Gala Tomorrow

County and city officials will mark monthly meeting with Halloween get-ups

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - An unusual item has been slipped on to the Knox County Commission's meeting agenda for tomorrow - a Halloween costume party. Initially, commission had intended to recognize former longtime Knoxville City Mayor Victor Ashe, who recently returned from political exile in Poland, during the meeting.

However, Ashe announced that, in observance of Halloween, he would be attending the meeting in the guise of "The Ghost of Governments Past" - which led to an immediate notice from former Knox County Sheriff Tim Hutchison that he would attend the meeting as "The Ghost of Governments Future." Soon, other officials got into the act.

State Senator Tim Burchett, who is running for Knox County Mayor - possibly against Hutchison - couldn't resist appearing once he learned that Hutchison would be there. Burchett stated that he would attend the meeting as a vanilla ice cream cone, "because even people who say they don't like vanilla will take vanilla if that's their only choice."

After learning of Hutchison's costume, Sheriff Jimmy "J.J." "Good Times" Jones said he would be attending as an island, signifying his stance "as his own man, independent of all, beholden to none." Jones's county charter watchdog in Nashville, Chad Faulkner, a Knox County Sheriff's deputy and state representative for Campbell and Union Counties, will be accompanying Jones in the guise of the Knox County Charter Termlimitator.

Current Knoxville City Mayor Bill Haslam will attend as the "marathon man" from the 1976 movie of the same name, a costume Haslam's camp says reflects his intentions to "go the distance in the Tennessee governor's race - and has nothing to do with Marathon Oil."

When informed that the '76 Dustin Hoffman thriller only tangentially deals with running marathons and has more to do with Nazi war criminals, stolen diamonds, and teeth-drilling torture, Bill Lyons, Knoxville's Senior Director of Explicating Finely Nuanced Political Gaffes, said, "Mayor Haslam, of course, is very familiar with Mr. Hoffman's work in general and Marathon Man in particular. In this instance, Mayor Haslam felt that the title 'Marathon Man' communicates a pleasing visceral sense of endurance and motion, whatever the movie's graphic and provocative nature. Plus, it's too late to get our deposit back on the sweat suit costume."

Embattled Knox County Law Director Bill Lockett and besieged Knox County School Board Member Bill Phillips both announced they would come as philosophy's "immovable object." When each learned of the other's intentions, both sent notice they expected the other to yield and select a different costume. So far, neither has budged...