"Snark Bites" 12/06-12/09

12/12

Knox County Defends 'Hostess Twinkie' Program

Charges of being fattening, addictive unfair say officials

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Knox County's use of Hostess Twinkies® to lure businesses to the area has come under fire as being "unfair competition" as well as being unhealthy and potentially addictive, according to critics of the practice. Knox County officials insist, however, that the snack cake program violates no business regulations, and, taken in moderation, the confections represent no more of a health threat than any other calorie-laden, sugary dessert. They also deny assertions that the snack food program's inventory has been seriously depleted by county employees who return from breaks with severe attacks of the munchies.

The Hostess Twinkie program came under fire after photographs surfaced of what appeared to be two Knox County Hostess Twinkies standing outside the Kosovo Minister of Economic Development's window holding up signs reading "Једу ми." (Roughly translated, the phrase means, "Your taste buds will be pleasantly stimulated by our delicious cream filling!") Knox County Commissioner Paul Pinkston said the photographs were clear evidence that the business recruiting practices of Knox County Mayor Mike Ragsdale's administration are unethical.

"You don't flaunt your succulent, sweet-smelling form and say "Једу ми" to Eastern European officials without realizing what kind of effect you're going to have - that they are going to be slavering after you like Pavlov's dogs," said Pinkston. "Many of these people have never tasted junk food before. It's completely unfair to them. It's like giving candy to a baby."

But Ragsdale said that "the proof was in the pudding" that the Twinkie program wasn't unethical.

"So far, our attempts to attract Kosovian businesses to Knox County with the Twinkie program have failed miserably," explained Ragsdale. "Trust me, it's no piece of cake to make this program succeed. In fact, we have more than failed to attract businesses: The Twinkies have driven Knox County businesses to Kosovo. How could a program that doesn't work be 'unfair competition'?"

Pinkston countered that the "Twinkie defense" wasn't good enough and Ragsdale needed to bring his Twinkies before commission and demonstrate that the Twinkies were not mouth-watering enough to lure prospective businesses here.

"I think he needs to come down to commission and let us sample these little dainties ourselves," Pinkston said. "I just think he needs to come forward and not only let the commissioners taste the goodies but also let the people of Knox County have a bite too. That's the only way we can be sure these here Little Debbies don't have any performance-enhancing additives that make 'em impossible to resist."

Other commissioners indicated they, too, wanted to try the Hostess Twinkies and supported the idea of quizzing Ragsdale while eating his snack cakes...

12/10

That Giant Swooshing Sound You Hear...

...is the fabled "winds of same" blowing through the Tennessee Valley

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Although some thought it caused by more promises of change from President Obama, the giant swooshing sound heard throughout the region yesterday was actually caused by locally produced "winds of same."

"Several converging upheavals in the local scene concentrated across a short time span spawned a maelstrom of much-a-do-do-about-nothing that caused a great disturbance in the farce, which in turn manifested itself as the much-ballyhooed 'Winds of Same,'" explained Senior Mediocrologist Sven Wicked. "All the keening and wailing of the people experiencing excruciating sameness probably contributed, too."

According to Wicked, developments that contributed to the winds of same outbreak included:

-- On the heels of a scathing report charging its coal ash spill last year released more heavy metals into the environment than Black Sabbath, Metallica, Linkin Park, and Iron Maiden combined, TVA has threatened to suspend local operations and move to Kosovo.

"What with lawsuits, federal scrutiny, recommendations of increased regulatory oversight, people's seeming inability to get past an incident that happened one whole year ago, and just the whole general sense of bitchiness we get these days, the local utility business has lost its vitality and taken the joy and bonuses out of power generation," explained TVA President & CEO Kilmore Trout. "So if people don't get off our backs, we're taking our facilities and going where they don't boggle over trifling details like environmental disasters and human health threats - where people, in fact, enjoy a little heavy metal tang in their water, where they walk thousands of miles just to sample the drinking water and say, "Wow, that's some delicious heavy metals right there."

If TVA departs for Kosovo because of adverse local conditions, it would be the second local company to do so in recent months. The utility giant would follow local electric contractor, Atlas, Inc., which recently released a statement saying it was "looking for greener pastures, which is to say, cash, to pay its mounting debts, in the Balkans."

In a related gust of the winds of same ol', same ol', Knox County Commissioner Paul Pinkston, as usual, wants Knox County Mayor Mike Ragsdale's role in Atlas's Kosovo move probed.

"I want to get him before us and make him answer questions," explained Pinkston. "And if he won't respond to grilling, then I want to sub-panini him - 'cause sub-paninis just come natural after a grillin'..."

12/08

What Will Be the Top Snark Bites of 2010?

"Whatever you predict, we'll top it," vow county officials

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - 2010 is almost upon us, so once again it's time to project what the most snark bitable stories of the coming year will be. Possibilities are listed below, but feel free to add your own predictions in the comments section. Just remember, no matter how far-out your guess, this is Knox County. And in 2010, "it goes to 11."

Swine Flu Virus Asks for Bailout from U.S. Government
"We're falling far short of our projected infection rates," say dejected microbes; Obama administration mulls request

Facing Severe Funding Shortfall, UT to Begin Renting Out Students as Paperweights, Doorstops
"And our faculty will make excellent coat racks, footstools or other household items," says administration desperate for cash

Homeless to Be Allowed in West Knox
Under new plan, up to four homeless individuals at a time will be allowed to beg at West Knox Interstate off-ramps

Kiffin in Negotiations for Eric Berry to Return for Senior Season
Renaming team 'Volberries" part of deal to lure back star safety

Source of Faked Climate Data Traced to Polar Bears
"We're not really facing extinction - we just wanted to generate enough pity to migrate somewhere warmer," says Ursus maritimus representative

Knox County 'Nayor'
Mayoral hopeful Tim Burchett insists he will "just say nay" to raising taxes

Kiffin in Negotiations to Bring Tim Tebow to UT for Unprecedented 2nd Senior Year and 2nd Heisman Trophy
Kiffin promises to call the "Running through the T" the "Running for the Tebow" if star QB signs; tearful former University of Florida star Insists he's retiring from college football

Tea Partiers to Host 'Tea Coziers'
Seeking to broaden appeal, "kinder, gentler" tea partiers begin offering wide selection of herbal teas, crumpets and scones to project sophisticated image at introductory "beginner aginner" rallies

Knox County 'Mayber'
Mayoral hopeful Tim Hutchison insists he will "just say maybe" to raising taxes

Former County Mayor's Aide Cynthia Finch Makes Deal, Won't Face Jail Time
"A bird in the hand is worth knowing where in the bushes all the bodies are buried," explains prosecutor

Polar Bears Lie, Global Warming Real, Says Source
Tearful tree rings explain discrepancies in data as part of shameful "binge and purge" lifestyle

Melee During 'Running of the Tims' Event Injures Thousands
Knox County citizens' dreams of low taxes crushed at latest event; candidates not named Tim stampeded out of race

Knox County Law Director to Be Subject of Cautionary Dr. Seuss Pastiche
The story, written after the style of the late Theodor Geisel ("Dr. Seuss"), is to be titled, "If Your Lockett Springs Its Sprocket, Don't Fling It at the Faucet, Just Bring It to the Docket. If You Keep It in Your Pocket for a Fleeting Chance to Hock It for a Ringlet for Your Rockette...

"Snark Bites" 11/29-12/05/09

12/5

Ragsdale's 'Kosovo' Jingle Luring Businesses from Knox

"Giant sucking sound" is county mayor siphoning Knox citizens to Balkans

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Four months ago, Knox County Mayor Mike Ragsdale returned from a trip to Eastern Europe humming "Kosovo," a song he claimed he himself wrote (rumors to the contrary notwithstanding). Based on the Beach Boys' 1988 #1 hit, "Kokomo," at the time, the ditty seemed an innocuous paean to a pleasant tour of the Balkan area. However, subsequent events suggest a more subversive purpose: Marketing Kosovo to local businesses to lure them away from Knox County.

When Ragsdale returned from Kosovo, he claimed he was exploring a program of swapping Knox Countians for Kosovars. In August, the mayor explained the proposed exchange program by saying that Kosovars were "warm, good-hearted folk." He contrasted Knox Countians as "ungrateful and always ready to jump on every picayune $39,000 in questionable P-card charges you have, every little hidden hospitality slush fund, every slightly less-than-accurate accounting procedure, every tiny bit of laxness in community grants oversight," and other characterizations.

Now, however, with the relocation of local contractor Atlas Electric Co. to Kosovo, it appears there is no exchange forthcoming, only a one-way funnel to the land of flija, mućkalica and veal kabobs. And Ragsdale's tune appears to be a major reason for the move.

When asked why he was moving his company to Kosovo, Harry Sherrod, president of Atlas, shrugged.

"Mayor Ragsdale's song, 'Kosovo,' just made Eastern Europe sound so mysterious and alluring, all about kielbasas, goulashes and walks by the Danube on moonlit nights," explained Sherrod. "It was simply irresistible."

The song, harmless enough at first blush, runs as follows:

Mamusha, Pristina, ooo, I'm torn between ya,
My babushka, ch-tchotchke, oh, I really gotcha
Kielbasa, goulash-a, baby, I'm-a boss ya

Off the Adriatic Sea
There's a place called Kosovo
That's where you wanna go to get away from it all

Job didn't go as planned
Myopical finks trying to get me canned.
They'll be getting a shove
To the nation of tamboura bands
Down in Kosovo

Croatia, Albania, ooo I wanna take ya
Baklava, kabobas, that's what's waiting on ya
Sarajevo, Montenegro, baby, why don't they go

Ooo I wanna send 'em down to Kosovo
They'll get there fast
And then I'll take it slow
That's where they're gonna go
Way down to Kosovo

In ancient Greek, we'll try to learn to speak

Not near the sea
But we'll perfect our spinistry
By and by we'll defy a little bit of sanity

Taking in the sights
Blue Danube on moonlit nights
That scheming look in their eyes
Gives me an economical contract high
Way down in Kosovo

Mamusha, Pristina, ooo, I'm torn between ya,
My babushka, ch-tchotchke, oh, I really gotcha
Kielbasa, goulash-a, baby, I'm-a boss ya

Ooo I wanna send 'em down to Kosovo
They'll get there fast
And then I'll take it slow
That's where they're gonna go
Way down to Kosovo

Torts in Linz, I wanna make some cents

Everybody knows
A little place like Kosovo
Now if you wanna go
And get away from it all
Go down to Kosovo

Croatia, Albania, ooo I wanna take ya
Baklava, kabobas, that's what's waiting on ya
Sarajevo, Montenegro, baby, why don't they go

Ooo I wanna send 'em down to Kosovo
They'll get there fast
And then I'll take it slow
That's where they're gonna go
Way down to Kosovo

Yet, even a superficial examination of the lyrics reveals...

12/03

Henley to Become 'Bridge to Nowhere' (Part I)

You can't get there from here on "nowhere bridge"

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - The City of Knoxville will hold a public meeting at a time to be determined at a location yet to be revealed to discuss the closing of the Henley Bridge at some undefined point in the future.

The City's chief traffic engineer will present a project overview and recommendations on how travelers to and from South Knoxville deal with any "minor inconveniences" arising from closing for 3 years the main traffic artery to south Knox County. Officials of the Transferring of Dinero to the Order of Thoroughfare Constructors (TDOTC) group also will be on hand to obfuscate questions.

Rod Hodster, chief traffic engineer for the City of Knoxville, will provide the project overview as well as his recommendations for not getting there from here anymore. Among his recommendations is a proposal that "the area of South Knox severe all ties with the rest of Knoxville proper, declare itself an independent territory and threaten to protect itself by force from any encroachments on its sovereignty, examples of which include finger annexations and so-called representation on Knox County Commission."

The Henley Bridge carried an average 38,813 vehicles per day in 2008 over Fort Loudoun Lake, according to the city. Traffic will be diverted to the areas like Far Rockaway and Timbuktu, but most traffic will just turn around and go back where it came from rather than risk not getting there from here.

Representatives of nine South Knoxville neighborhood groups requested the meeting primarily to make a few perfunctory requests that TDOTC representatives explained are impossible to meet. The neighborhood groups then sighed in resignation as TDOTC revealed its plans for not getting there from here during the 3 years the bridge is closed.

As Travers Brickwall, TDOTC regional spokesperson, put it, "We build things that get people from place A to place B, and people from place B to place A, but people at place C - which is where the thing between places A and B will be built - aren't our concern, nor is how 'A' and 'B' people get there from here while we're building the thing."

One neighborhood spokesperson said, "We know the bridge must be closed, but our streets are just neighborhood streets. They're not designed to handle a lot of traffic. We want to give you some input about that."

"And thank you so much for the input," said Brickwall. "We'll get back to you. Buh-bye..."

Henley to Become 'Bridge to Nowhere' (Part II)

You can't get there from here on "nowhere bridge"

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - In Part I of this two-part exposé, Travers Brickwall, regional spokesperson for the Transferring of Dinero to the Order of Thoroughfare Constructors (TDOTC) group, and Rod Hodster, chief traffic engineer for the City of Knoxville, were explaining the fate of Henley Bridge to representatives of South Knox neighborhoods. For 3 years, Henley was to be a bridge to nowhere, meaning that people of South Knox could not get there from here and those of the North could not get here from there. Brickwall had addressed all of the neighborhood reps' requests and questions, explaining, "No."

Hodster then said that, based on his experience, people south of the bridge should prepare to be somewhere other than here for the duration of the repairs.

"I have had some experience with these sorts of projects, and I've heard your murmuring complaints," he said. "I've been there. And you can't there from here. It's all part of life's rich pageant."

When asked if he were quoting R.E.M. lyrics by way of explaining TDOTC's fabled reconstruction projects, Hodster dismissed the idea by looking at his watch a third time, saying, "Wait, even the suggestion's ridiculous. Going to a place that's far, so far away, and yes, that is enough. Going where nobody's way is known, they don't walk with anybody from back home. You'll wind up unsatisfactory, yet full of stealth and nowhere left but back, stalk along twisty roads, circle around behind yourself. I know it might sound strange, but I believe you'll be circling back before too long. Don't go back to Knoxville! Don't go back to Knoxville! Don't go back to Knoxville! ...You can't get there from here..."

12/01

KPD, KSCO Issue Citations for Holiday Violations

Knoxville Poultry Division, Knox County Shopping Office cite 1,213 for holiday gaucherie

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - A special joint task force of the Knoxville Poultry Division and the Knox County Shopping Office reported issuing 1,213 citations for various violations of holiday etiquette over the long Thanksgiving weekend.

Senior Shopper Kim Klatch-Kargough was unhappy to report that violent altercations at shopping centers were down this Black Friday.

"It's not that we condone violence, but if retailers are going to jingle all the way to the bank, it's shoppers' patriotic duty to be out there fighting for bargains on Black Friday," explained Klatch-Kargough. "This year, we had some baby-boomer grandmas trying to relive their glory days by hoarding the 2009 edition of the Cabbage Patch Dolls™ and some Generation-Z dads trying to squirrel away all the Zhu Zhu Pets™ Hamsters, but that was about it. Everyone else pretty much behaved themselves and stuck to their shopping lists and went for practical items - and in a consumer-oriented economy, 'practical' is the kiss of death. This holiday season, consumers need to be out fighting tooth and claw for items they don't need for the good of capitalism."

Klatch-Kargough then delivered an impassioned plea for the preservation of conspicuous consumption.

"You consumers who are reading this interview instead of being out consuming, you should be ashamed of yourselves," he lectured. "Seriously. We are at the pinnacle of western culture, and if we're going to stay there, you have to buy things you don't need. In the name of all that's shoddy, to save civilization as we know it, go out and shop!"

However, shoppers seemed indifferent to Klatch-Kargough's inveigling.

"Isn't consumerist shopping - by which I mean shopping at big-box shopping centers like Wal-Mart - contributing to the death of western civilization, by driving out mom 'n' pop shops and concentrating wealth in the hands of a few corporations while simultaneously making us little people more dependent on them?" protested Fredo Peebles. "How is consumerism patriotic? I'm so confused."

"Yeah," agreed Zazu Watts. "Why would I worry about western civ? I got a C- in it. I just gotta get a new Dustbuster and get outta here."

"Let western civilization fall, what do I care?" declaimed Zelda Kvetchsherald. "What is it to me? As long as there is champagne and caviar and chocolate - and chocolate-flavored champagne - and champagne-flavored caviar - and caviar-flavored chocolate - I am content."

Although caviar-flavored chocolate seems gauche in the extreme, Chief Chef Sterling Silverware, the Fork, explained that most of the holiday gaucherie his department deals with is of a more mundane sort. He said his department is mainly concerned with keeping amateur cooks and their guests safe during the intense meal preparation hours from 5 p.m. Wednesday through the drowsy post-dinner period on Thanksgiving Day...

"Snark Bites" 11/22-28/09

11/27

City Renews Unspecific, Inoffensive, Yet Semi-Christmasy Holiday Tradition

Theme of this year's nondenominational, nonjudgmental seasonal shindig: Commerce

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, TN - Once again, the festive yellow and orange lights of the tow trucks cast their heavenly glow against Gay Street's skyline as the Fete of the Towing of the Cars® launched the traditional Lighting of Generic White Lights in Cone Formations Festival®. The lights festival in turn kicks of the 31st annual Unspecific, Inoffensive, Yet Semi-Christmasy Holiday Celebration in the City®.

This year's nondenominational, nonjudgmental seasonal shindig's theme is "Commerce, and the Cartoon Christmas Characters Used to Drive It"™. Featured characters of this year's theme include Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer®, Frosty the Snowman®, and Charlie Brown, the Lovable Loser Who Learns the True Meaning of Christmas®. Previous celebration themes have included "White Lights/Black Friday," "Silver and Gold All Season Long," "Tax Recapture and Release," "Shamelessly Commercial Christmas Jingles" and "Secular Humanism."

The ceremony will be solemnly capped off with a display of red, white and blue fireworks as Rudolf, Frosty and Charlie Brown throw the switch lighting up a 38-inch tall deciduous shrubbery in Krutch Park. The decision to use a size-challenged shrub is part of an overall municipal effort to make the holidays more inclusive of diverse foliage amid concerns that different sizes and types of trees and other flora might feel slighted by the celebration's long-running focus on large evergreens.

Although the streets were packed with onlookers for the Fete of the Towing of the Cars, Michael Haynes, a long-time enthusiast of the event, said the celebration had lost some of its luster in recent years.

"They give the vehicleans too much warning these days," explained Haynes. "Used to be, the city'd put up 'Temporary no parking, 6 p.m.-9 p.m.' signs, then start the towing of the cars at 4:30 just for fun. The looks on the faces of the frantic shoppers running out of the stores: priceless. But now, they start towing when they say they will. Back when I was a lad, I bet the tow truck companies would capture two, three hundred vehicles. They've made it too sporting, too humane now. They've robbed the festival of all its surprise and joy."

Bill Lyons, the city's Senior Director of Communicatin' the Christmas Spirit, faced tough questions from the media over the controversial decision to include blue lights in the traditional Generic White Lights in Cone Formations Festival. The justification previously put forth for using only white lights in the event was that white light includes the entire spectrum, so all colors of light were equally represented by the white. Lyons was asked if there were a special significance to the inclusion of the blue lights.

"No," Lyons said. "There is no special significance to the blue."

But the press persisted.

"Was there pressure to have colors other than white represented in the lights this year?" asked the collected media representatives.

"We just thought we'd add a little color," said Lyons.

"Oh, come on. You have to have a reason. There must be a meaning behind it," insisted the media.

"No," said Lyons.

"Was it to show support for the Kentucky Wildcats in tomorrow's game against the Tennessee Vols?" asked the media.

"No," answered Lyons.

"Was it in tribute to Elvis's 'Blue Christmas'?" asked the media.

"You know what, I'm going to let Mickey Mallonee, the city's Coordinator of Rationalizing Arcane Special Events Decisions, take over here," said Lyons.

"Good grief, no, it's not a tribute to Elvis," said Mallonee.

"Is blue the traditional Christmas color of Poland or some other un-American country or something?" asked the media.

"The what of what," said Mallonee. "I don't kn- Look, we just have blue lights this year, all right?" ...

11/25

Potential Mayoral Candidate Cosby Faces Identity 'Clarification'

To be or not to be Republican: That is the question

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Potential Knox County mayoral candidate Lewis Cosby is undergoing a crisis of political faith and is seeking "clarification" of his political identity in the coming months, he announced today.

A former certified public accountant, sometime television station manager and full-time critic of County Mayor Mike Ragsdale's administration, Cosby picked up petitions to run for county mayor next year both as an Independent and as a Republican.

"I was taught to always be open-minded about political orientation," said Cosby, 59. "I'm keeping my options open. If I need to undergo an identity clarification procedure to transform myself into a viable political candidate, I think I have the flexibility for that. Just don't call me a Democrat - not that there's anything wrong with them."

Cosby has combed mayoral financial records for discrepancies in everything from purchasing card reports to the budget, and has offered to brush, wash, lather, rinse and repeat his criticism of the mayor's handling of his financial house.

"I want to make sure that, in me, the voters of Knox County have the best option for Knox County mayor," said Cosby, who is on the Knox County Ethics Committee. "This will be a pivotal year, and I want to make sure I am the right person there to fix the fulcrum, whichever way it sways. That's why I will gaze into the navel of my political positions to determine if I can maintain those positions and still be the candidate who wins the election. If not, those stances will change."

Cosby says it's important that voters know who is and what he stands for, which is why he is taking the time now to find out for himself.

"Yes, I want to clear myself, I mean, I want to be very clear on this myself," clarified Cosby. "Who am I? Am I Republican? Am I Independent? Am I some new hybrid that might appeal to a liberal, moderate and conservative viewpoint, to peaceniks, tea partiers and Palintologists alike? I don't know. That's what I'm going to find out..."

11/24

Knox County Government Facing Cancellation?

With cast members departing, can county government still entertain?

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Amidst a rash of announcements that several of its most popular characters will not be back for the 2010-2011 season, the long-running Knox County Government may face the prospect of dwindling viewership as citizens lose interest in its antics.

Media favorite Victoria DeFreese confirmed yesterday that she would not return to the role of "Knox County Commissioner Victoria DeFreese" next season, saying, "I intend to spend less time in the limelight and more time with my family - although I have deepest sympathy for the limelight's loss."

Meanwhile, contract negotiations with the Law-Director-Everybody-Loves-to-Hate, Bill Lockett, remain at an impasse, during which he has refused to leave his dressing room to take part in any of his assigned scenes. It appears likely that he will be phased out of the production over the course of the next two years, as understudy Joe Jarret transforms the role into the Law-Director-Everybody-Loves-to-Like.

Other fan favorites who have already left or announced their imminent departure include Mike Ragsdale, Mark Harmon, Thomas "Tank" Moore, Greg "Lumpy" Lambert and Scott "Scoobie" Moore. Moore was booted from the production after a series of highly publicized smirk-ups with current cast member "Our" Larry Smith.

Moore has continued to lobby unsuccessfully for reinstatement, publicly promising to be less smirkful, but it's believed Moore's emotive range runs only from smirk to pout. However, some talk has centered around spinning Moore off into a show of his own, The Smirks, in which he would play multiple roles, including Papa Smirk, Jokey Smirk, Grouchy Smirk and Smirkette.

South Knox County used car dealer Paul Pinkston, who plays "Knox County 9th District Commissioner Paul Pinkston" in the local government, is still weighing his return to the series. It's rumored that, in exchange for his return, Pinkston is demanding higher billing and his own special nickname - possibly "Peevish."

With the loss of so many distinctive characters, can Knox County government continue?

Bill Lyons, the City of Knoxville's Senior Government Drama Critic, thinks so.

"Governments, like TV series, can endure all kinds of casting changes," explained Lyons. "It's cyclical. People tend to forget that, not even 8 years ago, the hottest ticket in town for government controversy and political theater was Knoxville city government...