If ever you and your date have been the only patrons in a sandwich shop late at night, sitting patiently at your table, and the only worker in the joint wouldn’t wait on you — in fact, was studiously ignoring you, you’ve probably thought to yourself: “Hey! This looks like a great place for a stick up!”
No, seriously, you probably thought that lone waitron was an insufferable jerk, something you’d be more than happy to tell the manager, if only the manager (or somebody) would show up. But have you ever considered the situation from that lonely worker’s point of view? He has his own responsibilities, his own struggles, his own inner turmoil. There are things you don’t know that might be affecting his job performance — things that, if you knew, might make you more sympathetic.
He might be fretting that he won’t be able to put new toilet paper in the stalls at closing because no one thought to restock the toilet paper supply earlier in the day. He might be worried that the rye is contaminated with aspergillus mold spores, and customers eating that bread could be in danger of experiencing strong hallucinations. So, in his concern, he is pondering sampling the bread himself, just to ensure your safety.
So think on that: If he is, in fact, willing to risk massive hallucinations for your sake, shouldn’t you be willing to cut him a little slack? It may be that, with the weight of the world crushing down on his shoulders, he just hasn’t had time to notice something as trivial as a customer waiting to be waited on. It is with this thought in mind, then, that we present…
20 Really Good Reasons Why the Only Staffer in the Place Won't Wait on You.
20. Cool:
"I am. You're not. Who should approach whom? That's right. YOU, mofo."
19. Passion:
“Sonya is waiting in the storage room for me. She’s already got her pants down, man.”
18. Illness:
"Well, I got mono, so I'm feeling slow. But I had to come in, y'know? I had to, 'cause, well, it's the only job I got, y'know? Can't afford to lose it, even if it is a shit job. But, y'know, I didn't actually want to give you mono or anything. So I figured I better just, y'know, avoid you."
17. Mellowness:
"Talking to you would harsh my mellow, man. I'm bein' John Mellowcamp here. You want me to go John Melonclamp on your balls? No, you don't. So chill."
16. Bad hair:
“Hey, bad hair day, OK? Do we really have to go into details?”
15. Poverty:
"Look, I'm poor, goddamn it. I'm stuck here being fucking broke, not even making minimum wage. I’m actually losing money here, ‘cause if I was getting paid what I oughtta be getting paid, I’d be a millionaire! So I’m too broke to move, do you understand me, jack? And you just waltz in here, like you own the goddamn place and expect me to come running. Just. Because. You. Have. Money? Jesus Christ and His Mojo Fix, you are some conceited bastard. Not on your fucking life, man, not on your life am I waiting on you."
14. Fashion:
“I can’t come out from behind the counter. I forgot to put my pants back on when I was in back earlier.”
13. Morality:
“I can’t, in good conscience, wait on you when I know you’re only going to order stuff that’s bad for you.”
12. Music:
"Aw, screw, man, I just downloaded Beyonce's entire catalog to my Ipod. Can't you come back tomorrow?"
11. Management:
"No, no, no, the manager said I am supposed to work counter. He said I wasn't supposed to leave my post. That's what the manager told me to do. You want to get me fired for not following orders? Talk to you? Why the hell would I do that? The manager didn't say I was supposed to talk to you. I don't get paid enough to talk to every pencil-dick rubbernecker that breezes in here. Cry me a fookin' river. I’m doing what the manager told me, so I'm not talking to you."
10. Ted:
" Give it a minute, man. I'm waiting for Ted to text message me. Ted swore it was really important. "
9. Paranoia:
“I’d wait on you, only I’m scared the mayonnaise will turn on you, and I’ll be blamed for it.”
8. Attitude:
“Yo, dude, I’m really bummed, OK, so, like, I’m not into the whole servitude scene right now. Give me a little room, OK?”
7. Reality:
"How do I even knowyou're hungry? How do I even know that you really want a sandwich? If I can only perceive reality through my senses, how do I know that you're actually sitting there waiting to be asked about a sandwich? My senses might not be attuned to your plane of existence. Even though you appear to be just yuppie jerks from East Bumfuck, you might actually be evil aliens from Outer Bumfucker. So if I give you a sandwich in my reality, in another reality, I might be giving you the final piece you need for a weapon that destroys the world in every reality, man. Your perception of reality is different from reality, you understand? You know, I don’t think you’ve given this order much thought. You better go get your head straight on this and come back later."
6. Religion:
"I gave up serving for Lent."
5. Literature:
“Dammit! I was working out a major plot point in my novel. It was really cool, ‘cause it turned on this one character, Burr, it turned on his character progression. Get it? Depending on whether he’d learned from all the stuff he’d been through — and I’m going to put him through some crazy shit, man, I can tell you — the plot was going to go one of two ways. But now I’ve lost it. Thanks to you.”
4. Psychology:
“You look like you have a sandwich problem. I don’t want to enable you.”
3. Virtue:
“I’m studying the seven virtues — chastity, abstinence, generosity, diligence, patience, kindness, and humility — and incorporating them into my being. Today, I’m practicing abstinence. So should you.”
2. 9/11:
"What am I supposed to think? You might not be customers. You might be terrorists. What happens if I get photographed talking to you, then? Then, I go to jail, too, that's what happens, then. No way, no fucking way am I going to risk jail just to wait on you, man. You know what? I think you are terrorists. You look like terrorists, you look like fuckin’ Osama bin Laden. You askin' who looks like fuckin' Osama bin Laden? Both of you, that's who. I ain't saying anything else to you fuckers. I am calling the fucking FBI right NOW, you asshats!"
1. Procedure:
“Just like the sign says, you’re supposed to order at the counter.”
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