Unpublished "Funny Ha-Ha!" column for Knoxville Voice

Following is a filler column I did for the defunct but lamented alternative biweekly, Knoxville Voice, in case I didn't come up with a more compelling one or if they needed a piece to insert an emergency. I'd forgotten about it, but it jsut popped into my head yesterday. I know I had one or two others. If I can find them, I'll post them here.

Note: This was written a couple of years ago, before the Anheuser-Busch buyout.


You Brew, Me Spilt
If people were beer, I’d suck
by Scott McNutt

It’s a time-honored tradition among talk-show hosts to ask celebrities, if they were something else, then what would they be? Ostensibly, the response to such questions may reveal more about the guest than a more direct line of questioning, thus delighting the audience with more insight into the guest’s character, hopes and dreams.

Also, it’s a grabby but glib substitute for substantive questions on serious issues.

In the spirit more of the latter than the former, I recently asked a few beer connoisseurs (not to say elitists), “If you were a beer, what would you be?”

Businessman and hunter Mike: “Tudor. It’s kind of a Nottingham Forest kind of thing. Kind of sylvan, of the woods. Woodsy beer. Or a Bavarian beer. Bavarians, they’re kind of the Texans of Europe.”

Architect and man-about-town Bob: “Stout. Hardy, full of flavor, full of life.”

Web site designer and raconteur Michael: “Fresh. Seriously, fresh. When we were in Seoul, we went out to three brewpubs in one night…now, most of the beer in Korea really sucks. Well, you’d like it, ha, ha, ha. It’s really lame…But the best beer I had in Korea was at the first brewpub, because it was the freshest. The hoppy bitterness of fresh beer is the allure.”

Physician assistant and wisdom-speaker Amy: “I would be the stout at the Third Street Firehouse in Tacoma, Washington, because it’s one of the nicest stouts I’ve ever had. Either that or a real honest-to-God Christmas German Bock. They are rich and creamy with a really good head, and they last forever.”

Much sexual entendre-ing ensues between Michael and Amy.

My wife Dana: “I’d just be a-”

Michael: “You’d be a blond. A full-bodied blond.”

More sexual entendre-ing ensues.

I wish at this point some well-dressed, successful young stranger sitting nearby had offered his opinion, something like: “I’d be a Budweiser. Universally recognized, profitable brand name, with well-financed corporate backing and diversified holdings, plus quality standards that ensure a consistent taste and safety standards that let consumers have confidence when consuming me.”

But that didn’t happen. In fact, the conversation faded into a melange of sexual entendres, about frothy heads and hoppy, bitter freshness, until I lamented, “It’s supposed to be a humor column, not a sex manual.”

“It can be both,” laughed Amy, to which Michael made some lecherous remark, and off went the group into another round of sexually charged tittering. It was a lost cause. So to salvage what remains of the column, let me humbly present a fable for our time, “Decrying Spilt Beer.”

“Decrying Spilt Beer”
If I were a beer, I’d be of the crappy mass-produced, mass-consumed light beer ilk that most of my friends disdain so much. Only instead of Miller Light or Bud Light, I'd be a product with a little more cachet for beer novices, maybe a Chinese beer called something like Huang Dong Extremely Pale Ale, at which true beer connoisseurs would snicker. Not because of my name, but because of my staleness, lack of flavor and limp body.

I'd be served at ubiquitous brewpubs, including locally, where I’d be purchased by some young up-and-comer with a zippy haircut wearing an $800 Joseph Abboud suit and tie smoking an Ashton Corona Gorda, who didn’t know anything about fashion or cigars or beer, but affected such anyway.

The bartender would give me to the young turk, who'd start to set me down next to the corner pillar of the bar. It would so happen that the young turk would be standing next to one of the regulars, who, sipping his fresh, woodsy Bavarian stout, would be feverishly describing the hoppy fresh bitter taste of his sylvan brew to his drinking companion.

And because he was talking excitedly, perhaps to a full-bodied blond sipping a frothy-headed, full-bodied blonde, the regular would be gesticulating wildly at the same moment the turk was putting me down, and naturally hand would smack hand, and down would fall Scott, the pedestrian-tasting Huang Dong Extremely Pale Ale.

Then Scott, the bland Huang Dong Extremely Pale Ale, with his tiny, tiny, little lips on his tiny, tiny, little bubble head popping briefly up out of his dreary puddle of Huang Dong Extreme Paleness, would plead "Help…me-eee! Pleeeeee-ase…help…meeeee-eeeeeeee!!!!"

And although some kindly soul with bar napkins, perhaps the full-bodied blond, would attempt to sop up Scott, the Huang Dong Extremely Blah Ale, some of my banal Huang Dongness would drip into the impossible-to-reach, -impossible-to-perfectly-clean crevice between the bar lip and the corner pillar.

All the while, some zippy-haircutted, $800-suited turk with a beer-stained tie and a damp cigar would be crying loudly about his spilt beer and decrying the safety standards of a bar that would allow his beer to be spilt in it.

The regular would offer to buy him another beer, but would persuade him to try something on draft, perhaps the rare rich ‘n’ creamy, long-lasting-with-a-really-good-head Christmas German Bock, or even a Tudor with extra Nottingham, to broaden the young turk’s palette. Also, draft is cheaper.

Despite their denominational differences, the regular, the full-bodied blond and the turk would strike up a conversation about how Bavarians are the Texans of Europe, so they know the advantages of fresh draft over stale bottle beer. Although there would be continuing disagreement over whether their brand name recognition, corporate backing and quality standards were shaky or solid.

And there, forgotten, a stain of me, Scott, the crappy Huang Dong Extremely Pale Ale, would linger on, dwelling always at the bar, never having been tasted, utterly unfulfilled. Even if I would have been flat, bereft of body, devoid of life and ultimately unfilling, anyway.

Moral: Crying over spilled beer may get you attention, but it does nothing for the beer.

"Snark Bites" 3/21-28

3/28
Commission May Censor Lambert
"Well, y'all can just [censored] that idea," retorts Lambert

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. Knox County Commissioner Greg "Lumpy" Lambert may have future utterances censored by fellow commissioners fed up with his insults and his antics.

Following a confrontation Lambert had at Monday's commission meeting with a member of the audience, Commissioner Colonel Doctor Richard M. Briggs, M.D., said he considered proposing that commission censure Lambert, but says he reconsidered.

"Censure seemed too mild for Commissioner Lambert's offense," Briggs said. "Also, no one seemed to know how to proceed with the censure measure, so I thought he could be censored instead. We'll just start bleeping him."

Briggs said he plans to seek direction on the matter from County Law Director Bill Lockett.

Lockett confirmed that neither he nor any commissioners he consulted could figure out how to censure Lambert and noted that commissioners should defer to Robert's Rules of Order when their rules don't include a topic.

"Robert's Rules recognizes a motion to censor, which pretty much means when the offending party starts to say something, the rest of the members shout 'BLEEP!'" Lockett said.

Lockett also noted that he has received a request from the Robert's Rules of Order publisher, asking him not to mention Robert's Rules and commission in the same sentence, because it lowers people's opinion of Robert's Rules.

Lockett also noted that he has received a request from the Robert's Rules of Order publisher, asking him not to mention Robert's Rules and commission in the same sentence, because it lowers people's opinion of Robert's Rules.

The incident Lambert may be censored for occurred when a property owner asked the commission to vote that day on a rezoning. His zoning was opposed by another attendee and ultimately deferred.

Lambert went into the audience to speak to the property owner, then spoke to the other citizen on his way back to his seat. The citizen leaped to his feet and yelled that Lambert had threatened to [bleep] him.

Lambert disagreed with the citizen's version of events.

"I didn't threaten to bleep him," said Lambert. "I never said 'bleep.' What I said was, 'You ought to be ashamed of your [bleeping] self. It's not like you represent a whole [censored] neighborhood. You're one [bleepity-bleep-bleep]-[censored]-[redacted]-[redacted] guy hurting this man.'"

Briggs and other commissioners said they are concerned that Lambert tried to intimidate a citizen with bleeping.

"I have a bleeping First Amendment right to bleeping intimidate people with my bleeping," Lambert said Friday. "I didn't say anything I wouldn't bleeping say on microphone. If they want to bleeping debate it, I'll bleeping debate it. It's a free bleeping country."

But Briggs said it was more than the bleeping. It was that Lambert went into the audience and bleeped...


3/26
Commission to Redraw Districts into Animal Shapes
Horsey, doggy, gerrymander among creatures discussed

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. The magic number for transmogrifying Knox County Commission districts into cute animals is 42,042 or so. That's the target range members of the Knox County Redistricting Committee must reach when reconfiguring commission districts this spring.

The committee, composed of citizens and commissioners, met for the first time Wednesday to begin charting the course required by the federal "Voter Interest Enhancement Act," which compels local municipalities to introduce "a sense of fun and whimsy, even" into local political districts in an effort to generate more voter turnout.

The committee is also working to comply with an amendment to the county charter reducing the size of the Knox County Commission from 19 members to 11, because, as the amendment states, "19 commissioners is just too many for citizens to keep track of."

There will still be nine districts, but they must be redrawn, because the 5th District is larger than the other districts and currently has three commissioners instead of two, which is really three more commissioners than any district wants to deal with.

Most Knox County commissioners were on hand to lobby for their pet creatures, including Craig Leuthold, Mike Hammond, and Commissioner Colonel Doctor Richard M. Briggs, M.D., who were jockeying for position on the horse that the 5th District will become.

"I warn you, I'm riding that nag to victory in the next election, and neither of you will stand in my way," proclaimed Briggs. "Unless, of course, I'm running for mayor, in which case you can fight it out between yourselves."

Hammond, who is term-limited from serving in the 5th District again, replied that he'd be running "neck and neck" with Briggs in the mayor's race if Briggs chose to enter, while Leuthold, who is also term-limited, appeared to be eying an at-large commission seat.

"I like the idea of an at-large seat because I won't have to dress up like a horsey or a doggy or a trained seal or whatever to run for it," explained Leuthold...


3/24
County Officials Agree to Spank Inner Children
Ruling does not apply to commissioners, lobbyists or developers

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. As FBI agents raided county offices and seized records from County Trustee Fred Sisk's office, Sisk and other fee office managers agreed to symbolically spank their inner children for naughty behavior.

"I think it's the right thing to do," said Sisk. "I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get this behind us, and if I have to tan the hide of my symbolic little inner man, then I am certainly capable of that."

Some officials, however, objected to the use of corporal punishment, saying that they would, instead, scold their inner children.

"I don't believe in physical violence toward children, whether inner or outer," explained Register of Deeds Sherry Witt. "I will, however, give inner Sherry a stern talking-to."

Former County Trustee Mike Lowe, whom many consider to be responsible for the state of affairs in the trustee's office, declined to discipline his inner child in a statement released through his attorney, Gregory P. Isaacs.

"I haven't done nothing wrong, and I refuse to punish my inner child for something he hasn't done," read Isaacs. "If anyone tries to hurt a hair on the head of 'Lil Mike,' they'll have to go through me, and they better be ready for the mother of all battles."

Mayor Mike Ragsdale, through his chief of staff, Dwight Van de Vate, said he was "relieved" other county offices had been caught with their hands in the cookie jar...






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"Snark Bites" 3/15-21

3/20
TVA, City Planned to Build Giant Zagnut Bar
Mammoth coal-ash confectionery would have been located on State Street site

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. As recently as 2008, the Tennessee Valley Authority and the City of Knoxville were considering building a 40-story candy bar made of coal ash and gypsum at the site of the State Street parking lot. Ultimately, though, TVA chose to stack the ash about 80 feet high at the Kingston Fossil Plant fly ash pond, where portions of two walls collapsed Dec. 22, sending 5.4 million cubic yards of contaminated sludge into the Emory River and the surrounding countryside.

Thus far, the State Street parking lot has been the spot where extravagantly expensive and vainglorious projects have gone to die. It was once the proposed location of a baseball stadium for the then-Knoxville Smokies. State Street was also the spot for former Sheriff Tim Hutchison's planned jail/helipad/cop cave from which he and his sidekicks would have sallied forth to thwart evildoers, and "Universe Knoxville," Worsham & Watkin's gigantic human-sized mouse maze SHOPPERTUNITY!® "experience." Recently, more modest residential/SHOPPERTAINMENT!® complexes have been proposed. To this point, however, it's still a parking lot.

TVA President and CEO Kilmore Trout explained that TVA had hired consultants to formulate a plan to deal with its mountains of coal ash.

"They came to us and told us to build a ziggurat, but we didn't know what that was, so we went with something else that had a 'z' and a 'g' in it," said Trout. "We felt a massive Zagnut bar would have been the signature structure on the Knoxville skyline. We went to city of Knoxville officials with the idea, and they loved it."

TVA's consultant for the project, Buzz Lightyear, explained that residents of the enormous Zagnut bar would have been issued special "Coal-Ash Ventilation-Environment" (CAVE) suits to wear while in the structure.

"The CAVE suits were purely a precautionary measure," added Lightyear. "When dormant, coal-ash is no more harmful than the additives in your average candy bar."

Trout says questions about the stability or safety of a monstrous coal-ash candy bar in the heart of an urban area didn't factor into the decision to not build on the State Street property.

"No, we finally looked up 'ziggurat' in the dictionary and finally understood what the consultants were trying to tell us," said Trout. "So we parted ways with the city of Knoxville and mounded up the coal-ash at the Kingston site. And, you know, we feel really bad about that."

However, some observers worry that the city of Knoxville was considering the project at all. Some question the viability of such an undertaking. Others suggest that, envious of all the attention citizens lavish on wayward Knox County, Knoxville is "acting out" to draw attention to itself...


3/18
County Officials Hope AIG Bonuses Distract Local Citizenry
Local officials seek relief from populace's fury, express hope that national events will divert attention from local gaffes

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. Many Knox County officials who say they could use a bailout to supplement their take-home cars and their comp-time pay also say they could just use a break from citizens' outrage at their antics. So the idea of tax dollars going to million-dollar bonuses for AIG executives is enough to make them envious - and hopeful.

"When you read that AIG executives are getting millions in bonuses for driving their company and the world economy to the verge of collapse, it's difficult to comprehend why Knox Countians are angry at us when we're only wasting hundreds of thousands of dollars on illegal comp time pay," said Fred Sisk, Knox County trustee. "I tell complainers, 'If you really want to be outraged at us, first see if you can get some of that bonus money channeled to us. Then I would be happy to endure your anger.'"

Knox County government, teetering on the brink of laughingstock status because it can't ever seem to get unmired from a series of scandals and missteps, has mostly been an unknown quantity to the public, in part because until recently it operated mostly behind doors and outside of view of the Sunshine Law and partly because Knox Countians are mostly apathetic. However, recent blunders like those in the trustee's office have drawn enough attention to make officials squirm.

Among those frustrated is Stephen Dupree, local author, actor and gadfly, who said questionable pay practices in some county fee offices, the recent contract extension for Hillcrest Healthcare despite ongoing concerns about its quality of service, and the mayor's feud with the county auditor were enough to make him disgusted.

"Giving tax dollars to phantom employees in the trustee's office is atrocious," said Dupree. "You don't reward people in the private sector for doing a bad job. Well, unless you're AIG executives, you don't. And you know, I'm really steamed about AIG, too. I believe I'll fulminate about them for a while."

Dupree is only one example of many local citizens who have been distracted from county faux pas in recent days to focus their wrath on the Obama administration's handling of AIG bonuses. County officials are cautiously optimistic that this could be the beginning of a trend, taking attention away from county government.

Knox County Commissioner Greg "Lumpy" Lambert, still smarting from constituents' reaction to commission's cave-in on the Hillcrest Healthcare contract extension, expressed the wish that Knox Countians would focus their attention on national woes for a while.

"I hope this AIG thing catches on and diverts attention from us for a while," said Lambert. "All the grief I'm getting, I'm starting to think this job isn't worth it if people are going to keep expecting us to pay attention and sort of, you know, do stuff - I mean, do stuff besides stuff for developers, that is. I tell you, I need a breather..."


3/16
Auditor Rubber, Mayor Glue in Latest Kerfuffle
County Mayor Ragsdale, Auditor Walls agree to meet later on playground to "settle score"

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. Knox County's auditor fired back at Mayor Mike Ragsdale this morning in a letter to the county's Audit Committee, leveling charges of "Liar, liar, pants on fire!" at the mayor.

Ragsdale challenged county auditor Richard Walls earlier this month to "meet him after school on the playground" in response to Walls' audit of the county's community grants program.

Walls' draft audit detailed the administration's alleged violations of the county charter and state law, including $757,500 in grants awarded over five years that may not have been authorized by commissioners or included in the budget. In the audit, Walls also alleged that the mayor didn't even know how much wood a woodchuck would chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood and concluded that the mayor was a "chucklehead."

Ragsdale said Walls not only failed to properly review the grants audit records, but also shirked other responsibilities he should have fulfilled in his eight years as auditor. He also viciously taunted Walls with "Neener, neener, neener" and called him a "fraidy cat."

In response, Walls wrote in a seven-page letter left on Ragsdale's desk in homeroom, "I know you are, but what am I?"...

"Snark Bites" 03/08-14

3/13
County Government Rescinds Dress Code
Clown suits no longer required for county officials

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. Because of low voter feedback or interest, Knox County is discontinuing its practice of having government officials dress in clown suits.

"What we had was so much apathy to the issue that we couldn't get a true gauge of what the community felt," said Dwight Van de Vate, chief of staff for County Mayor Mike Ragsdale. "We thought the voters were outraged at all the stuff that's gone on in local government over the last couple of years, so that the least we could do was dress up for them a little. But nobody seems to be care. Perhaps we should have gone with hair-shirts and self-flagellation."

Van de Vate's staff received little response from a paper and online survey. The handful of voters who did respond were vehemently indifferent to the idea.

"I suspect that those who are quiet are probably in favor of it," he said. "It's a very controversial issue, and many people are not willing to share their views on it. A lot of citizens probably don't want to come right out and say 'Yes, I am in favor of my government representatives wearing clown outfits' because then it's a reflection on them. They have to admit to their family in other states that they approved of clowns in their local government."

But one local citizen who said he participated in the poll said he didn't see the need for the clown suits.

"To tell the truth, I can't tell the difference whether they're wearing the clown suits or not," said Knox Countian Siddhartha Suttree. "Clowns is as clowns does, and these are clowns even if they're in $500 suits with Gucci wingtips. With all the things that are on their plate right now in terms of budget and doing more with less, higher standards, they don't need to worry about what they're wearing on the outside. It's their inner clowns they need to control..."

3/12
Committee Mulls Installing GPS Devices on County Officials
Proposal would include placing Redflex cameras in City County Building

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. Installing global positioning satellite systems on county politicians, reducing the size of county commission by 42 percent and pooling politicians for use by multiple departments are among the suggestions an ad hoc committee of the Knox County Commission plans to present to the full panel for approval.

Commissioners Mark Harmon, Mike Hammond and Greg "Lumpy" Lambert each will submit proposals before the Commission's special April Fool's Day meeting.

Hammond said during Wednesday's committee meeting that installing GPS systems in the county's 1,114 political operatives - including off-the-books, unofficial "phantom" employees - would save money by reducing patronage, eliminating unauthorized political activity and increasing productivity. A 2008 study on Nashville's GPS program showed savings of 5 percent to 20 percent per politician.

"When the GPS was installed there was an immediate reduction in patronage," Hammond said. "We politicians don't like it when ordinary citizens can follow what we're doing."

However, Hammond added that saving money wasn't the driving reason behind the proposal.

"We really know very little about the behavior patterns of Knox politicians," he said. "Oh, we have lots of anecdotal evidence. We know some enjoy their lobster tails from Regas. We know a few frequent Bi-Lo parking lots in South Knox County. Others spend time browsing among the fascinating array of items available at J's Mega Mart in downtown Knoxville. We know a whole bunch of them in certain departments like county take-home vehicles. Then there are those who take pride in paying $195,000 to employees who are supposed to make $68,000 a year. And you'd be hard-pressed to find one who didn't dote on a developer or two. But there's never been a systematic, aggregative study of the Knox political herd's culture..."

3/9
Tussle Over Apron Strings
Knox fee officials disagree on who controls their allowances, want keys to the car too

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. A battle for control of Knox County officeholders' maturity is headed to a vote this month, with some county commissioners supportive of getting more control over the unruly little tykes and affected officeholders objecting that they are big enough to tie their own shoes.

"I'm a big boy now," protested Sheriff Jimmy "J.J." Jones. "I don't wanna eat my vegetables!"

The showdown is being triggered by Commissioner Richard Briggs' - also know as "Daddy Briggbucks" or "that mean man who just doesn't understand" - who proposes to formalize chores and discipline for the wayward tot officeholders.

Briggs argues that Knox County's charter has conservatorship over the elected offices of sheriff, trustee, register of deeds, county clerk and property assessor, which previously had been wards of the state, making county commission and the mayor de facto authority figures to those five positions. Briggs argues that this gives commission and the mayor a moral imperative to act in loco parentis to the headstrong fee officials and impose such discipline as deemed necessary, according to a 16-page legal adoption proposal prepared by Knoxville attorney Tom McAdams and presented by Briggs with his legislation last week.

That means those fee officeholders can be required to finish their chores before they receive their allowance, ask permission before they take the car, let the commission know what crowd they are hanging out with at all times, clean their plates and be in bed by 9 o'clock on school nights, according to McAdams' memo.

Under the Knox County code, the memo argues, a charter officeholder who spends beyond his allowance, doesn't fill the gas tank after taking the car out for a spin, acts out or in general is being too big for his britches "shall be spanked from office."

Mayor Mike Ragsdale is noncommittal about Briggs' proposal.

"We will respect both the parental perspective and the young adult perspective, as well as the advice of the Knox County law director in considering these difficult family matters," mayoral spokeswoman Susanne Dupes said. "But frankly, we have problems with corporal punishment, especially if we could be subject to it, too. Besides, there're enough loco parents running around county government already, don't you think?"

Law Director Bill Lockett said Friday that his office hopes to give commissioners a written response to McAdams' memo in time for committee meetings the week of March 16. His staff is looking at parenting books such as The Colicky Child, How to Deal With Your Acting-Up Teenager, How to Keep Your Teenager Out of Trouble and What to Do If You Can't and Parents Are From Mars, Teenagers Are from Another Universe, plus the movie Rebel Without a Cause for guidance regarding the independent officeholders' status...

"Snark Bites" 3/1-7

3/6
City Sponsors 'Name that County Snafu' Contest
"We want citizens to feel involved in these fiascoes," says city spokesperson

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. With ongoing naughtiness in Knox County government showing no sign of abating, City of Knoxville officials took the unusual step of announcing a 'Name that County Snafu' contest for Knoxvillians.

A Controversy-Naming Committee has been formed to develop potential titles for county blunders, but suggestions from the public are welcome as well. Once the snafus are given official titles, the city will issue scorecards, complete with names and statistics of county officials involved in each scandal, as well as space to add more players as new details emerge.

"We want citizens to feel involved in these fiascoes," said Bill Lyons, the city's special liaison for keeping tabs on county silliness. "We don't want ordinary Knoxvillians and Knox Countians to feel cut off from these shenanigans. They should feel they are part of it, too."

The committee based its actions on media reports of possible misspending in the trustee's office; rumors of ghost employees in various fee offices; outrageous county government take-home vehicle practices; Black Friday, when Knox County Commission illicitly appointed members to its body, which spawned the successful Open-Meetings Act Lawsuit against commission; the ouster of Scott 'Scoobie' Moore from commission and his subsequent call for Commissioner Our Larry Smith to also be removed; the proposed Midway industrial park; the audits of the mayor's hospitality fund, auto and travel allowance practices, P-card program and community grants program, which resulted in the departure of several high-ranking members of mayor's staff. And possibly other scandals that the committee's already forgotten.

"I hope it goes a long way"toward restoring public trust in which controversy is what," Controversy-Naming Committee Chairman Joe Carcello said. "It's gotten completely out of hand. County government has had so much monkey business going on that nobody can keep up. I think specific, catchy names for individual controversial incidents will help with that. Some people have so much misunderstanding. My limited interaction with (county commissioners) is they are too involved with their hi-jinx to take time to name them. So if people are paying close attention, this will move us in the right direction."

Carcello, co-founder of the Corporate Controversy Naming-Rights Center at the University of Tennessee, suggested the city draft a request for controversy name proposals from controversy-naming firms outside Knox County.

County Finance Director John Troyer said that County Mayor Mike Ragsdale preferred to keep the names of county snafus an internal matter and stated that mayor's own proposed names could be drafted within two weeks. The Controversy-Naming Committee agreed to review the mayor's suggestions and pass them on to County Commission for approval. In the meantime, the committee is going forward with its own controversy name search, and the city is asking the public to offer suggestions, too.

The Controversy Naming Committee's efforts got an early boost from Knox County's unofficial historian and "Secret History" columnist Jack Neely.

"Preferably, you would keep the needs of future historical re-enactors in mind when coming up with the names of these county governmental spats," explained Neely. "As tempting as it might be to just dismiss it all with a single epithet, like 'The Failure of the Brain-Fogged Foul-Ups,' for the sake of future generations, each debacle needs its own special moniker. Also, when possible, these titles should fire the imagination, so future students of Knox County history are better engaged by it."

Neely suggested tying current county controversies to historical and literary figures that embody the area's lawless and shadowy past.

"For example, take the outlaw Harvey Logan, otherwise known as 'Kid Curry,' who was last seen riding a stolen horse south across the Gay Street Bridge in 1903," said Neely. "Instead of calling last year's dispute over the mayor's off-the-books hospitality fund the 'Slush-Fund Contretemps,' you might call it the 'Last Ride of the Curry-Favor-Fund Gang.'"

Neely was just getting warmed up...

3/3
March Madness: TVA, Knox County in Finals of 'Extreme Excess' Games
TVA, County officials trade trash talk over who will take "Extreme Excess" title

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. Knox County's government and the quasi-governmental, pseudo-private utility giant Tennessee Valley Authority are set to clash in the newly established "Extreme Excess" games, and the trash talking has already begun.

"We have employees out there charging 75 million on their p-cards," taunted TVA President and CEO Kilmore Trout. "The county charged what? Tens of thousands? That's penny-ante. They got no game."

"Didn't TVA inadvertently release a 'doctored' press release to the AP that showed how badly they were underplaying the severity of their coal ash flood? Is that their idea of a full-court press press?" retorted Knox County Mayor Mike Ragsdale. "Compare that to my tightly managed press play when I cleared myself of any wrongdoing in our P-card fiasco. That's how pros play the game."

The extreme excess competition is the brainchild of Knox County Commissioner Richard Briggs, who explained that the concept seemed a natural outgrowth of the county's inability to avoid indulging in excessive and outrageous behavior in recent years.

"Some of the Charter officers have largely ignored the provisions of the Knox County Charter and Knox County Code related to employees, budgets, control of funds, execution of contracts and engagement of counsel," said Briggs. "If we must suffer these indignities, let's at least get some mileage out of them. That's what my 'Extreme Excess' games are designed to do."

Briggs formulated a method for scoring the excesses of government entities using his "reasonable man" standard.

"Basically, I just asked myself, 'What would the average guy be really offended by?'" explained Briggs.

Scores in the competition will be based on the following criteria:

- Degree of physical harm to the community
- Extent of damage to the reputation of the offending organization
- Overall financial cost of the incident
- Egregious stupidity of each offense
- Sheer effrontery of official explanations of what happened
- Comprehensive outrage of affected communities

Each category is weighted on a flexible system that takes into account a number of factors, while trying to maintain a fair balance given the disparities in resources between the organizations. For instance, because Knox County cannot compete in absolute terms with federal governmental waste, Briggs determined that the county would receive a handicap: It gets to multiply all its financial outrages by 1,000. However, the heaviest weight is on the "comprehensive outrage" category.

"Ultimately the winner will be declared by the wounded constituencies themselves - outraged taxpayers or indignant ratepayers," said Briggs.

Ragsdale acknowledged that Knox County would have difficulty competing on the financial level, but insisted that his government had an excellent shot at capturing the damaged reputation, egregious stupidity, sheer effrontery, and comprehensive outrage categories...

3/1
Government Zombies Suspected in Body Farm Skull Thefts
"They're just looking for some brains," says county spokesperson

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. If you see any stray skulls lying around the City County Building, chances are some zombified county officials were just looking for snacks in all the wrong places, like UT's Body Farm.

University of Tennessee police want whoever stole the skulls from UT's world-famous anthropological research center to know that the brains have long since decomposed. Decomposed brains offer zombies no sustenance and are pretty bland to boot.

Officials believe the theft happened earlier this week simultaneous with revelations of possible lawbreaking in the Knox County Trustee's office - in other words, right when someone in county government might have been desperate for some brains.

"We discovered the breach today," said a UT spokesperson. "It is not definite that county officials did it. It's just that there's never been a group in more desperate need of brains."

Asked to comment on the incident, trustee Fred Sisk would say only, "BRAAAAAA-INZZZZZ!"

Added former trustee Mike Lowe, "WIZ MUZZZZZTARD!"

Attorney Gregory P. Isaacs, who's representing Lowe and Sisk during UT's investigation into the missing noggins, warned that his clients' comments should not be taken out of context.

"As our investigation into the kidnapped craniums continues, we are confident that our clients will be cleared of any wrongdoing," said Isaacs. "We are steadfast in our opinion that when Mr. Sisk says 'BRAAAAAA-INZZZZZ!' he is only signaling his appreciation for the higher cognitive functions. In no way was he indicating that he enjoys dining on fresh, raw, tasty, yummy, scrumptious BRAINS!

"Similarly, when Mr. Lowe stated 'WIZ MUZZZZZTARD!' he was merely expressing his hope that he could be considered a cognitive wiz, that his reasoning skills cut the mustard. He was not in any way suggesting that he preferred his fresh, raw, tasty, yummy, scrumptious BRAINS! with condiments. Furthermore, if they did have a taste of the waylaid gray matter, they only had a nibble because they would have soon realized that these particular brains were neither nutritious nor tasty."

"HUNNNNNNNNNNNNGRY," confirmed Lowe, mournfully...

"Snark Bites" 2/22-28

2/28
Sisk Seeks to Maintain County's 'Annual Scandal Tradition'
Trustee explains raises, home purchase, and other issues as "things Knox Countians have come to expect"

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. Knox County Trustee Fred Sisk is trying to put the substantial pay increases before and after he purchased the home of his former boss, the previous trustee, Mike Lowe, and other embarrassing trustee's office revelations in the context of previous county imbroglios. Sisk argued that "an annual scandal or two are things Knox Countians have come to expect - anticipate even - so we're just trying to give the people what they want. We're trying to keep that annual scandal tradition alive and kicking."

The current Knox County Trustee pointed to the past to explain recent revelations in his office that some have labeled improper.

"Look, Knox County has a long-established and revered tradition for scandal," said Sisk. "Think back over the last couple of decades. Just off the top of my head comes the term-limited officials who refused to vacate office and then sued to remain in office, commission's sunshine violations, the sheriff's unsupervised building funds, the mayor's off-the-books slush funds, the out-of-control staffers, the take-home vehicles, the golf junkets, just in general the overreaching, the avarice, the infighting, the backstabbing, the insults, the invective, the 'university twits' and 'peckerheads' - that's entertainment."

Entertainment value is the main reason why the "courthouse crowd" keeps getting reelected, said Sisk.

"Because we amuse them, that's why Knox Countians keep returning us to office," he explained. "And in these grim times, citizens need all the amusement they can get. So we try to offer it to them, in spades. I mean, we have citizens bringing their children down to the Trustee's office with bags of popcorn, saying, 'Look Mikey, there's a Knox County politician, they're infamous.' Then they stand there chewing the popcorn expecting me to do something scandalous. I'm just trying to live up to the role. Heck, I'm thinking of having a scarlet 'S' sewn on the back of all my suits..."

2/25
Former Trustee's Attorney Denies Client Is the 'Low Rider'
"He doesn't even own a pair," says Isaacs

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. A $22,150 vacation payout given in 2008 to "T. Low Rider," a former employee of the Knox County Trustee's office, may violate the law. No other information is available about the enigmatic Low Rider, leading some to speculate it may be a pseudonym for Mike Lowe. But the attorney for former Trustee Lowe says his client is not the "Low Rider" in question.

Lowe has retained Knoxville defense attorney Gregory P. Isaacs to represent him during the TBI investigation of payroll practices in the Trustee's office, and Isaacs said Tuesday that "any payments received by former Trustee Lowe were appropriate. And any appropriate payments to him were made in his name, not to any Low Rider. Mr. Lowe doesn't not know any low riders, doesn't even own a pair, and they probably wouldn't look flattering on him, anyway."

Isaacs also denied that Lowe had ever been a member of the pop group War, a singer, songwriter, or a musician.

"What's all these crazy questions you are asking me?" demanded Isaacs. "Isn't it clear the man doesn't have that kind of talent?"

Regarding the vacation payout to the thus-far incommunicado Mr. "Low Rider," Isaacs said, "I want to reiterate that any payments received by former Trustee Lowe were appropriate and former Trustee Lowe received no payments that were made to a Mr. 'Low Rider' and former Trustee Lowe looks forward to addressing these issues as this process evolves. Also, former Trustee Lowe likes being referred to as former Trustee Lowe."

Isaacs also noted that Lowe was receiving few inquiries about the matter.

"Significantly, aside from media inquiries, Mr. Lowe has not received any requests from anyone," said Isaacs. "Well, that is, except for the infrequent offer to do an oldies tour with Three Dog Night or the occasional autograph-seeker mistaking him for Nick Lowe. So I would caution everyone from jumping to conclusions that are not supported by fact, especially in regards to my client's musical background..."

2/24
Phantom Employees Menace Knox County
Ghosts who walk in the machine may threaten every department, explains Commissioner Briggs

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. "Phantom employees" may be secretly performing tasks and siphoning off hundreds of thousands of dollars from corporeal county workers, Commissioner Richard Briggs charged in yesterday's Knox County Commission meeting.

"I'm not accusing anyone of pointing any fingers at anybody else who's throwing someone under the bus who's already thrown themselves on their sword and then hanging them out to dry, but there may be phantom employees running amok in every department in Knox County," declared Briggs. "But I'm not saying any specific department has done anything wrong when it may be going on everywhere, and, in fact, the people in the departments where things are going on may not be responsible anyway when these phantoms may just be sneaking in past our safeguards and stealing work from rank-and-file employees. Because phantoms can go anywhere. You just ask the Shadow. The Shadow knows."

Briggs denied he was referring to reports that "ghost employees" may have received substantial payments in the Knox County Trustee's office. Trustee Fred Sisk was noncommittal about the allegations.

"I can neither confirm nor deny the reports of phantom employees," said Sisk. "That all happened a long time ago, in a department that's now far, far changed. You just ask [former Knox County Trustee] Mike Lowe. The Lowe knows."

However, the heads of other county fee offices quickly agreed that the menace from phantom employees was very real.

"Heck yes, phantom employees are a problem," said Knox County Clerk Foster Arnett, Jr. "You can't keep track of them because they don't need pass keys. They creep in and do real employees' work. Plus, they're mischievous. They mess with my filing system. I keep everything on my desk. But these secret work sharers, they put my documents in alphabetized manila folders, and then I can't find anything, plus, I don't know who to pay for what work. It's got us all in an uproar..."