Sunday, February 14, 2010

"Snark Bites," 01/31-02/13/10

2/13

Battle of Midway Memorial Industrial Business Amusement Theme Recreation Park Moves Forward

TDC finally gets its way on 187th try for revamped, multi-use park

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - A multi-use park in the Thorngrove community - which The Development Corporation of Knox County initially proposed as an industrial park, then a business park, then as a memorial to World War II's Battle of Midway, then as a relocated urban industrial park in downtown Knoxville, then an amusement park, among sundry other plans - has finally crossed its initial hurdle with the Metropolitan Planning Commission. TDC won approval for the park by combining all of its previous proposed uses for the land into one project. Unofficial counts put this at the 187th time TDC had brought the park before the MPC.

Thorngrove community members and others opposed to the park, now called the Battle of Midway Memorial Industrial Business Amusement Theme Recreation Park, say it doesn't fit with the rural character of the area and will attract undesirable elements to their community. Todd Napier, executive vice president of the Development Corp., told MPC that the community's fears were unfounded, but that his agency nonetheless took them seriously.

"They're just crazy," Napier said. "They just get their sweet little heads all in a tizzy, and then there's just no talking to them. But really, just because there are idled brownfields all over Knox County waiting for new businesses to locate to them, and just because the karsty terrain of this area makes it a lousy choice for an industrial park and restricts the kind of businesses that can go there in the first place, and just because everyone in the community is opposed to the project but we've relentlessly and single-mindedly pursued it as if fear of death itself were driving us, there's no reason whatsoever for their paranoia. They're just a little touched. Nevertheless, we take them very seriously - bless their hearts. They're so cute when they're upset."

"What kind of attractions and businesses does TDC expect to install in this park along I-75?" asked a reporter.

"It's I-40, not I-75," said Napier. I'm glad you asked that, because we at TDC are very excited about the possibilities offered by this combination park. We still plan to have attractions like the Guess-Your-Wallet's-Weight, the Tilt-A-Wallet, the Ferris Wheel of Fortune, the Incredible Vanishing Dollar act, purse jugglers, money swallowers-"

"That's exactly what we object to," interjected Lisa Starbright of the Preservation of Sanity Association. "These types of sleazy attractions and acts are completely out of character for the area."

"You don't think the Incredible Vanishing Dollar is a good act?" protested Napier.

"I don't care whether it's a good act or not," returned Starbright. "Whatever it is, this all seems designed to get the MPC to approve things that take money out Knox Countians' pockets at the behest of TDC and of the Chamber."

"How do you respond to that charge, Mr. Edwards?" an opinion columnist asked Mike Edwards, CEO of the Knoxville Area Chamber Partnership. "Did you at KCDC influence the MPC?"

"I'm with the Chamber, not KCDC, and I didn't talk to a single MPC commissioner," he said. "It's easy to take the Development Corp. and make it into some sort of trilateral commission - you know - a creepy somebody-pulling-the-strings-behind-the-scenes sort of thing. But TDC isn't the creepy somebody-pulling-the-strings-behind-the-scenes sort of thing. Neither is KCDC. We at the Chamber are the creepy somebody-pulling-the-strings-behind-the-scenes sort of thing..."

2/12

Knox County Abuses Workers' Trusts

"They've drained our reserve of trust dry," says employee spokesperson

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - A lawsuit alleging Knox County improperly capitalized on employees' trusting natures could become a class-action suit to force all county officials who have abused people's trust to stand up in front of all county citizens, own up to their effrontery and restore trust in county government.

The employees asked Knox County Chancellor Daryl Fansler at a Thursday hearing to allow all current and former Knox Countians to join in the lawsuit if they "ever, in the innocence and the goodness of their hearts, made the mistake of trusting officials in the Knox County government."

Representatives for the county and the Knox County Trust R Us Board oppose class action status, arguing that "everyone should know better by now than to trust Knox County's government, so if some employees and citizens did, that's their own faults. In other words, this emptor's got a great big neon caveat over it."

The total amount of trust eroded by the county by any one act of duplicity, skullduggery, nefariousness, iniquity, chicanery, perfidy, mendacity, or ignominy was small, both sides agree. But the cumulative effect on employees' ability to trust in any authority figure is overwhelming, say the employees.

"I thought I was safe trusting Knox County to handle my affairs for me; I thought they were people with principles, interested in the well-being of my trust," said an employee who wished to remain anonymous for fear of retribution. "Instead, they were keeping interest from my trust principal for their well-being. They misused and abused my trust horribly. My fund of trust is wiped out. I have nothing left. I wouldn't even trust my own mother now - not even if she were Mother Teresa."

The employees allege that the county delayed their contributions to various trust funds for three to six weeks and improperly absorbed the positive vibes generated by the good faith the employees had toward the responsible county officials, while the county was abusing that trust by keeping the employees' money in a Knox County account to earn interest for the county. The workers argue that the county owes it to all citizens to restore every ounce of trust it has drained from them.

A Knox County spokesperson who wished to remain anonymous for fear of responsibility said the county had no choice but to take advantage of the employees' trust.

"Of course we drained the employees' trust reserves; we had to," the spokesperson said. "The citizens are on to us - we drained their trust a long time ago. Their hopes, dreams, faith, belief, optimism, charity, goodwill and kindness, too. There's nobody left for us to take advantage of. We were desperate to siphon off someone else's trust, because morally, we're bankrupt..."

2/9

Latest County Mayor Candidate Strikes Fear into Opponents

"Oh no, it's Michael McBath!" cry terrified GOP heavyweights

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Yesterday's entry into the Knox County mayor's race of a Democratic candidate unencumbered by connections to the local Democratic organization has sent the other three candidates scrambling to reassess their campaign strategies. On Monday, Michael McBath, a 24-year-old West Knoxvillian without ties to the local Democratic Party filed as a Democrat candidate in this year's Knox County mayor's race.

"Someone thought to run as a Democrat without connections to the local Democratic chapter?" asked former county sheriff and Republican mayoral candidate Tim Hutchison. "Brilliant!"

When State Senator and Republican mayoral candidate Tim Burchett asked who the Democratic candidate was and was told "Michael McBath," he grew pale and shrieked, "Michael McBath? That's terrible! It can't be Michael McBath! Not Michael McBath, anybody but Michael McBath!"

"Who's Michael McBath?" asked Independent candidate Lewis Cosby.

"I have no idea!" cried Burchett...

2/6

Local Food Show Presents Knox County-Themed Super Bowl Snacks

Quiche My Grits offers locally inspired dishes for tomorrow's big game

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - When rock 'n' relic band Who's Left takes the field to entertain the audience during halftime of Super Bowl XLIV tomorrow, Knox Countians can chow down on snacks with a local taste, thanks to the food program Quiche My Grits©, of the Knox County's Cookin' Now Network. Each week on Quiche My Grits, county officials share their recipes for fusion dishes that combine traditional Old South staples with haute cuisine while displaying the sass that won them office.

Quiche My Grits's hosts, Uncle Ned "Unka" Shush and Olay Ajenous, explained their Super Bowl snack strategy.

"What we got here is a whole passel of different local favorites, some of them created by local officials and some of them created by us from the inspiration of our local color," said Shush, smilingly.

Said Ajenous, radiantly, "What we were striving for were out-the-ordinary dishes that nonetheless really communicate to you just what the unique flavor of Knox County is. I think we succeeded marvelously."

"Now, we have to admit right here that a lot of it might not taste too good," added Shush, grinning broadly. "But even if you have to spit a lot of it out, it'll still leave 'Knox County' lingering on your taste buds like nothing else."

The hosts shared a chuckle at Shush's witticism, and then Ajenous began the presentation.

"For appetizers, we start with three variations on a theme," said Ajenous. "Here you have Tim Hutchison's Po' Boy Poe-Tay-Toe Skins, which he says are lovingly created and served with the common touch. Then you have Tim Burchett's Patented Pah-Tay-Toe Skins, which he claims are lovingly created and served with an uncommon touch. And finally, you have Lewis Cosby's Meat-and-Potato Skins, which he says are lovingly created and surprisingly different than those of the Tims..."

2/3

County Mayor Candidates Running Against "Ghost of Mayor Past"

Burchett, Cosby, Hutchison all running against the memory of Mike Ragsdale

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - All three candidates for Knox County mayor will apparently be running against a photograph of current County Mayor Mike Ragsdale and a laundry list of voter grievances against his administration. Former Knox County Sheriff Tim Hutchison (R-Hilton Head), current State Senator Tim Burchett (R-Closer to Knoxville than Hilton Head, I Promise), and retired accountant Lewis Cosby (I-Am My Own Man) have announced their intention to seek the mayor's office in the upcoming election.

Cosby, 59, past owner of three Knoxville TV stations and self-described "primarily Republican kind of person," recently straightened out a significant political identity crisis to emerge Tuesday as an independent candidate for mayor, stating that he was not foolish enough to go up against the two Tims' heavy machinery in the Republican primary.

"Why run on my ideology against the Tims in the Republican primary, when it's more expedient to let those two bloody each other up running there, and then I can run in the general election against Mike Ragsdale?" explained Cosby.

When it was explained that Ragsdale was term-limited from running again, Cosby said he knew that already.

"Of course I know Ragsdale can't run again," confirmed Cosby. "That's why I'll be running against his legacy. I have been running against it for going on two years - Why should I stop now?"

Hutchison and Burchett also stated that they would not be running against each other or Cosby.

"I also plan to be running against Ragsdale's record, against which I will stack my record as mayor any day," said Burchett.

When it was pointed out that he had never been a mayor, Burchett replied, "Exactly. And I stand that record against Ragsdale's achievements as mayor without hesitation..."

2/2

Punxsutawney Phil Sees Federal Budget's Shadow, Faints

Groundhogs across U.S. dropping from shock at grim shadow cast by President Obama's proposed deficits

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Punxsutawney Phil collapsed this Groundhog Day morning after seeing the looming penumbra of the federal budget's record deficits. While the world's most famous specimen of Marmota monax was listed as in stable condition and asking for large doses of federal fiduciary discipline, his brethren nationwide were reportedly dropping in droves at the sight of the lengthening shadow of debt cast over future generations.

Local rodent reaction ranged from advocating resistance to forced forecasting to counseling caution against hasty action to returning to hibernation for another six weeks and seeing if maybe things didn't look a little better in the softer light of a spring morning.

A long-time friend of Phil, Knoxville Kneal, a lesser-known groundhog occasionally used for prognostication purposes, said asking groundhogs to predict the future amounted to "cruel and unusual" punishment and that protections should be in place to prevent the rodents from being exploited in this way.

"Phil can't be concerned with forecasting whether there will be six more weeks of winter when he's worried about six generations of indentured servitude for America's children," rasped Kneal. "If all the meteorologists in East Tennessee with all their sophisticated instruments and computer models can mistake three inches for 12 inches of snow, why should anyone expect accuracy from a large furry mammal with the brain the size of a walnut? - No offense meant to Phil - or to myself, either..."

"Snark Bites," 1/18-31 /10

1/29

Snowstorm U.S.'s "Reward for Being Good" Says Evangelist

Others attribute storm to Santa Claus, federal government, meteorological conditions

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - As a major winter storm wreaked havoc across the nation's Midwest and South, prominent evangelist and one-time presidential candidate Pat Robertson deemed it "God's reward to the U.S. for being good."

Robertson, who said the devastating earthquake that struck the Caribbean island nation of Haiti two weeks ago was God's punishment for a supposed long-ago "pact with the devil," has neither a degree in meteorology or seismology.

"This big ol' snowstorm is God's reward for being good to hardworking Americans in the heart of America's Bible Belt," said Robertson. "For God so loved our goodness, He has given us a snow day."

In response to these observations, White House spokesman Robert Gibbs hung his head and sighed wearily.

Other reaction to the 80-year-old evangelist's pronouncement was mixed, with concentrations of contradiction and flurries of agreement.

Radio host Rush Limbaugh affirmed Robertson's statement and issued a suggestion that "the rest of the nation gather funds to send to the folks in the affected area, so they can throw a big snow day party."

Former vice-presidential candidate and Fox TV commentator Sarah Palin, however, took a different view.

"Could this here havoc-wreakin' storm be a White House attack on those good ol' pro-American parts of this great nation?" said Palin. "When you get thinkin' about it, what is snow? It's white is what it is. And which political party holds the White House for the time bein'? ...Just sayin', you betcha..."

1/27

County Mayor's Office to Hold Clearaself Clearance Sale

"Huge bargains while supplies last," says Ragsdale

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Knox County's Surgeon General gave Mayor Mike Ragsdale's legacy a clean bill of health, clearing his record of any criminal wrongdoing. As a result, the mayor's office is holding a clearance sale on Clearaself™, the product Ragsdale originally used to clear himself of wrongdoing regarding questionable P-card purchases in a notorious press conference in 2008.

"Yep, our condition cleared right up with Surgeon General Randy Nichols' probe," said Ragsdale. "It's amazing how a few really, uh, probing probes will make you start really paying attention to how you treat the complexion of your legacy, and you start trying to avoid developing any more ugly bumps or scars. And even though the Surgeon General's given me a clear bill of health, I just don't plan to be showing my face in public much anymore. So, although Clearaself is great stuff - it doesn't just cover up the problem; it makes it go completely away - we don't foresee any more scandals, and we have no more need for the stuff. So we're having a big sale. Ya'll spread the word."

According to a report issued Tuesday by Nichols, the unsightly outbreaks of what appeared to be eruptions of political oppression that could have permanently spotted Ragsdale's record were largely provided cover by generous applications of Clearaself Special Formula Fast-Acting First-Amendment Free-Speech Cream Cleanser®...

1/26

Commission to Curse Knox Countians With Total Recall?

Some commissioners call voters' selective amnesia "a survival mechanism"

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Knox County Commission is poised on the brink of giving citizens of Knox County the ability to remember every single act of every single elected official in the county - but the move comes after some commissioners argued that, "in Knox County, selective elective memory is a necessary survival mechanism."

The debate came about after groups of citizens tried to remove a school board member and the county law director from office, forgetting or regretting who elected them to office in the first place. In a move widely seen as punitive, some citizens have demanded that county officials grant Knox Countians total recall of all activity by all local politicians. Some commissioners expressed fear for what the move would mean for political careers, while others expressed concern for the undue toll such a measure might take on voters. The ensuing debate was lively.

"Do you know what total recall of all our actions and every word we've ever spoken would do to our ability to govern?" asked Commissioner Greg "Lumpy" Lambert. "It would invite chaos, it would destabilize Knox County the way that eartquake destabilized Haiti. I mean, the next time I run for elective office, imagine if somebody actually remembered that I compared the effect of a ballot measure in Knox County with the effect of a killer earthquake in Haiti. If people actually remembered what I say, I'd never be elected again."

"You say that like it's a bad thing," yelled a wag from the audience.

"The point is," continued Lambert, "this initiative might make commissioners ineffective to govern."

"And this would be different from now how?" observed Commissioner Mark Harmon...

1/23

Did SHE Slip Moore, Hutchison, Mickey Finns?

Known associates of "seductive siren of speculation" claim they can't remember, don't know her

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - A practitioner of the world's second-oldest profession - sales and marketing - may have used a knockout drug on prominent members of the Knox County community to make them forget their dealings with her. Among the list of her possible victims are ex-chair of the Knox County Commission, Scott "Scoobie" Moore, ex-county sheriff and current county mayor candidate, Tim Hutchison, and other members of the local business community.

Investigators say these individuals may have been unwittingly lured into the lair of the shadowy figure known only as "SHE" with the promise of lucrative business arrangements. SHE may have then slipped them a substance - possibly chloral hydrate, the original "Mickey Finn" - to knock them out and blur their memory of the proceedings. Apparently, SHE uses legitimate businesses, including an auto company, as lures for her more dubious activities.

As one victim who wished to remain anonymous put it, "I thought I was getting in on the ground floor of a great opportunity in a car dealership operation, you know? SHE certainly looked like a fast ride - a real hot chassis of a portfolio, if you know what I mean? - so I whipped out my checkbook to get a piece of that action. But SHE suggested a drink to seal the deal. That's all I remember. The next thing I know, I'm in some Tijuana fleabag with the mother of all headaches, a naked checking account and a pocketful of regret. I never saw her again..."

1/21

TVA Joins Celebrity Edition of 'The Biggest Loser'

Other contestants to include Democratic Party, NBC management, affordable health care, President Obama, Lane Kiffin

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Coming off fresh reports of the mounting cost of cleaning up after its Swan Pond coal-ash flood disaster, the Tennessee Valley Authority yesterday announced it was joining a celebrity edition of the popular TV show, "The Biggest Loser." Unlike the regular show, which features ordinary people teaming to lose weight, the celebrity edition will follow a different format, with the cast competing in areas where they have already demonstrated high proficiency in losing. Former UT Vols head football coach Lane Kiffin, for example, will be focusing on loss of credibility.

"I do feel it [losing my credibility] is one of my greatest strengths," said Kiffin, in a press conference where no live cameras or questions were allowed. "I feel I can lose credibility faster than any other sports figure that cares to go up against me. I am a competitor, and the area of losing credibility is one in which I believe I can be highly competitive."

TVA President and CEO Kilmore Trout said the agency would focus on losing money for the show.

"I believe losing money is one of our demonstrated core competencies," he said. "I challenge any other agency to hemorrhage money the way we do. Moreover, we plan to challenge Coach Kiffin in the credibility loss category, as well. I think our record in credibility loss over the past year stands against his or anybody's."

The NBC management team reportedly will compete with TVA in the "Biggest Money Loser" category on the strength of its late-night lineup fiasco.

Affordable health care in America said it would be competing in the "Biggest Lost Hope" category.

"I've lost all hope, hope of ever actually existing, except in the hearts and dreams of the American people, and I don't think even St. Jude, the patron saint of lost causes, can compete with me there," said the tearful impossible dream.

President Obama's hopes of competing in the lost hope category were crushed by the health care goal's announcement.

"Well, I was going to go with hope, but given affordable health care's entry into that category, I don't expect I'll have a chance, so I'll play it safe and settle for being the biggest loser in the category of change..."

1/18

Bredesen Proposes "Center of Remedial Accounting Excellence" for UTK

"With Knox County schools' bookkeeping problems, they're going to need it," says governor

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - In the wake of an audit revealing that most Knox County schools can't account for the hours in a day much less the money in their activity funds, Governor Bredesen has proposed that a "Center of Remedial Accounting Excellence" be created at the University of Tennessee's Knoxville campus.

"Given that a great many students who end up at UT come out of Knox-area schools, we have to be prepared to account for the fact that they've come out of a system that doesn't value accounting in their school activity funds," said Bredesen. "We should consider sending the Knox schools' bookkeepers through the center before the students get there to prevent future embarrassment for them. Sending some of our state legislators through it might not be a bad idea either."

School activity funds consist of money raised by students through fees, clubs, coupon books, picture sales and similar sources. The money is intended to be used for the benefit of the students, but many schools had problems recognizing this fact.

The auditing report found that out of 86 schools in the Knox County school system, 77 had not accounted for actually having students. The report characterized this oversight as "a problem area in terms of how the activity funds are being spent."

The audit by Rodefer Moss of Knoxville cited 11 other findings in need of improvement - mostly in the areas of the handling of money, the tracking of it, the spending of it, the accounting for how it was spent, and the keeping the hands off of it when nobody is looking.

Roger Underwood, supervisor of accounts payable and student activities funds for the school system, said he was troubled by the findings for the 2008-09 fiscal year because the previous year's audit found similar problems.

"I am troubled by the findings for the 2008-09 fiscal year's audit," Underwood said. "I'm troubled by two things. The first is that the audit done last year on the school activities funds listed quite a few problems, just like this year's did, including my own observation that I was troubled by the previous audit's findings of so many problems. It troubles me a bit that I communicated that I was troubled last year, and here it is this year, and here I am troubled by these findings. If you have troubles that are communicated to people, and the troubles aren't fixed by next year, then I think it is fair to say that you have troubles."

Underwood said the second thing that troubled him was that the funds were to be used to benefit the students.

"The second thing that troubled me was the funds were to be used to benefit the students," Underwood said. "Wait, I'm not troubled that the funds are supposed to be for the general benefit of the student body - I'm troubled that in many cases we weren't aware that the schools had students. In one case, the teachers had used those funds for a teacher party, and we weren't aware they had students for whom the funds were for. That is troubling."

Underwood said that also of concern was that neither he nor school administration officials could say which specific school used student funds for the teacher party, "which you'd think is something we'd be able to say since we have an audit telling us which school it was. That we can't tell which school it was even with the help of an audit is a concern."

A reporter then observed that it seemed like Underwood would also find not being able to tell which school held the teacher party troubling.

"You're right," acknowledged Underwood. "It is troubling."

Underwood then said that the fourth thing that troubled him was that he had said only two things troubled him, but he had gone on to list three troubling things, which then caused him to list as a fourth troubling thing having said the third troubling thing, and having said a fourth troubling thing, he'd be obligated to cite as a fifth troubling thing saying that he was troubled for having found three things troubling instead of his original two as a fourth troubling thing after initially having said he found two things troubling while finding three actual troubling things, the recognition of which was his fourth troubling thing, the acknowledgment of which was in turn his fifth troubling thing, and now as a sixth troubling thing he would have to list that he feared he had stumbled into a verbal infinitely repeating trouble loop and wasn't sure if he could get out of it...

"Snark Bites," 1/3-15/10

1/15

Vols Frantically Search for New Mascot

Smokey's sudden departure leaves UT public relations in the lurch

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Shaken by Smokey IX's abrupt departure to start a hound dog stud farm in California, University of Tennessee icon officials were scrambling to keep nervous commitments focused and find a replacement for its absconded symbol. Previous mascot Pulpy, the Big Orange, who was cast off by UT like a bad cold, has already issued a statement declining interest in the job.

The statement read, in part, "While my blood does run deep orange, I'm happily ripening into old age, and have no interest whatsoever in returning as UT's mascot. If, however, a management position comes open where I'd take over for the person responsible for canning me, that would get my juices flowing."

Smokey IX, tragically, fell victim to his own hype. Believing he was god's gift to publicity hounds everywhere, he abruptly left for Hollywood on Wednesday to run a stud farm for hound dogs with himself, apparently, as sole stud.

Smokey's terse press conference announcing his departure, ran, in whole, "I'm Smokey, dammit! Idol o' millions! I don't need no stinkin' U of T! I'm mascot to th' stars! Awright, I'm done! Turn th' mike off! Hey! Why's this thing still on? Off, I said! Off, dammit, off! You! Sound guy! Yer fired!" ...

1/13

Little Lane Kiffin Takes Buds, Goes Home

Wayward child was "unmanageable," says adoptive UT family

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - In a move that surprised no one but his guardians, talented but unruly adopted child Lane Kiffin fled the loving but stern embrace of conservative East Tennessee for the wild and woolly, wide-open spaces of the West. Sources close to the family say it was only a matter of time before the rocky Rocky Top relationship fell apart.

"Lane was one of those kids, you know," said one family insider who wished to remain anonymous. "Father Mike really doted on him, called him his 'fair-haired boy,' and all that. But Lane wouldn't toe the line. He was always a wild child, always running off at the mouth and getting called on the carpet by officials at school - at a lot of schools, actually. He never understood that there was a certain decorum you were supposed to observe, that there was a certain Tennessee way of doing things. He had tried to warm this cold Tennessee Orange with all the power of his California sunshine, but this fruit's been on the vine a couple hundred years now. It wasn't going to ripen just for him, you know? And he chafed under these restrictions he didn't understand. So his splitting just seemed inevitable."

Lane was last seen in the back of a Caddy disappearing into the sunset, hanging with his bestest buds, Monte and Ed. Rumors of a single parting statement, "Hasta la vista, baaaay-bee," remain unconfirmed...

1/12

Knox Officials Proud of County Waste Production

"We'll stack our waste against anybody's," says mayoral spokesperson

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Some county officials insist Knox County is "Waste Capital of the World," but Knox County Commissioner "Our" Larry Smith said Monday he plans to introduce a resolution authorizing an audit of the Waste Production Department. Smith claims that the department has a much lower waste output than it should for a county as rife with duplication and incompetence as Knox County is.

"Given our governmental track record, I'd think we'd be producing more waste per capita than any other comparably sized county in the country, but I have evidence to suggest that's not the case," said Smith. "Just the hours frittered away by us commissioners talking in circles and beating dead horses in our meetings and the documentation required for those activities ought to net our waste production some kind of 'Wastrels of the Year' award, but we never get one. So if we're not producing the waste we should be, or if someone is stealing our waste, let's correct the problems and have a Waste Production Department we can be proud of."

Smith said Brad Majors, who runs the Rocky Holler Mixture Growth Mulch Shop, alleges that Tom Salter, head of the Waste Production Department, hasn't been nearly as wasteful as he could be.

"I've actually observed him recycling," said Majors. "And I've seen waste production employees take things out of the garbage and re-use them - they're actually stealing the waste from the waste department. It's shocking. And contrary to their department's purpose..."

1/9

Haslam Bags Cartoon Duck after Hunting License Mix-Up

Gubernatorial hopeful captures iconoclastic comics character in online "Duck Hunt"

From APB reports. NASHVILLE - Bill Haslam, Knoxville mayor and Republican gubernatorial candidate, apparently violated state law during what he thought was a recent West Tennessee duck hunting trip, but was actually a foray into the popular online version of the 1980s Nintendo game "Duck Hunt." During the game, Haslam and his hunting partners somehow bagged the irascible Marvel comics character Howard the Duck, but will face no penalty because it was unclear how the hard-drinking, cigar-smoking fowl got into their line of fire in the first place.

A spokesperson for the feathered star of the eponymous 1986 box-office bomb, Howard the Duck, said the water bird was resting comfortably after his ordeal and would soon be on the mend.

"Howard doesn't ruffle easily," said his assistant, a Ms. Switzler, in a telephone interview from the fowl's residence. "Besides, he's just a cartoon."

In the background, a voice that might have belonged to the avian everyman could be heard threatening to use his "quack-fu moves to kick the keisters" of his assailants once he recovered from his ordeal.

Switzler said it was unclear how her boss had waddled into the online "Duck Hunt" game, but noted that "Howard is known for going where he shouldn't."

A check with representatives of other beloved cartoon ducks, including Daffy, Donald, Daisy, Huey, Dewey, Louie, Scrooge and other members of the extended Duck clan found them all safe at home, unroasted and on no one's dinner menu...

1/7

Group Wants Pre-Election ID of Recall-Likely Officials

"It would simplify the process if they would let us know ahead of time that they were going to screw over the voters," says spokesperson

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - At a Knox County Commission public hearing yesterday, a group argued that officials likely to need recalling by voters should be required to identify themselves as such before an election. However, some commissioners argued that voters have a constitutional right to be duped into electing unconscionable wankers.

Diana Prince, chair of the local chapter of the Suffrage League of America (SLA), a group comprised of almost 8 extraordinarily devout suffragists dedicated to voting in the booth, suffrage, and the majority sway, noted that if candidates were required to declare whether they were likely to do things that would cause the need for recall, matters would be simplified for voters. Prince gave as an example Scott "Scoobie" Moore, who recently picked up a petition to run again for the 7th District commission seat.

"As the architect of 2007's Black Wednesday, when term-limited commissioners pre-arranged their replacements and which has been such a black eye to commission, Moore has shown himself recall-worthy," explained Prince. "But then, having been resoundingly defeated in his 2008 bid for the county clerk's office, losing even his own precinct, then subsequently being kicked off commission for perjury, then proclaiming he wouldn't run for office again, and finally flip-flopping on that promise, ex-Commissioner Moore has amply fulfilled our request of notification of his recall-likelihood, should his re-election bid succeed. Indeed, ex-Commissioner Moore could be a poster boy for the sort of notice we'd like to see voters get in these situations. He couldn't more plainly say 'I'm recall-likely' if he tattooed it to his trademark smirk."

Commissioner Colonel Doctor Richard M. Briggs, M.D., supported Prince's contention.

"We need to make it easier for citizens to know when they are going to have to recall officials," Briggs said. "That is why I am proposing my 'Reasonable Man' recall standard. To meet the standard, candidates for Knox County offices would have to submit to questions that would tell a reasonable man whether he might reasonably expect to have reason to recall that candidate, if elected..."

1/5
Authorities Question Car Involved in UT Athletes' Arrest Did vehicle disclose it had drugs, guns?

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Authorities today questioned the 2010 Dodge Charger involved in the arrest of 4 UT basketball players, asking whether it had told the players it was carrying marijuana and handguns, and if so, when it had revealed these facts.

"At this point, we're unsure whether the players were fully informed by the vehicle that it was unlawfully in possession of guns and drugs," said University of Tennessee Athletic Director Mike Hamilton. "So, we will, of course, do everything possible to give them the benefit of the doubt as we proceed with our thorough, careful, deliberate and supremely fair investigation."

Knoxville Police Department Spokesperson Darrell DeBusk explained that, because authorities were uncertain whether the car model in this case was one of the new generation of so-called "Smart Cars," they thought it best to try questioning the vehicle.

"Even if it isn't one of those Smart Cars, we figured it couldn't hurt to question the Charger," DeBusk explained. "Heck, even when they're not a 'Smart Car,' modern vehicles are smart enough to tell you your seat belt's not fastened and your headlights aren't on, maybe even that your fly's undone. So we figured it was possible that it had informed the players what it was in possession of."

DeBusk said the interrogation had proven unsuccessful thus far.

"So far, whenever we try to get it to open up, all we get from it is that little 'ping, ping, ping' noise followed by 'Intruder! Intruder! Please step away from the vehicle!' Intruder! Intruder!' We're not sure if it's playing dumb or really doesn't understand us."

The Charger is being held on charges of possession of illegal substances, intent to go armed, and several outstanding parking tickets...

Saturday, January 2, 2010

"Snark Bites" for 12/10/09-01/02/10

1/02/10

Forecast: Continued Cold and Callous

Harsh indifference to community challenges expected to linger in Knox County through 2010

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - The forecast for 2010 continues the trend of 2009, with Knox County expecting to experience widespread disregard for the serious challenges it faces in the coming year. In a recent survey on current events, when asked what issue was most pressing for the Knox area in 2010, almost 7 out of 10 respondents said, "addressing concerns related to issues surrounding illegal activities in the University of Tennessee Athletics Program."

As one reader put it, "With latest athlete arrests for guns and drugs, I think renaming Smokey, the Vols mascot, to reflect the lawlessness of the UT Athletics Program should be our top priority. If we were Georgia, this would be easy - We could change Uga to Thuga. But what can Smokey become? SmokeU? Smokesum?"

Other readers put as the area's top issues "making sure the UT men's basketball program's arrest record is on par with the football program's arrest record" and "needing to thoroughly and completely expose UT's Hostess Twinkie program."

The recent media feeding frenzy surrounding issues with UT's athletics merely underscores the indifferent climate that real community issues face locally. The other 3 respondents in the survey didn't name any actual local concerns in their most pressing issues for Knox County. One listed as his top priority, "using Rush Limbaugh's successful treatment for fright from chest pains to prove that America has the best medical system in the world and showing that anyone who doesn't agree is a communist and should move to one of those communist countries like France plus showing that America is already doomed by its embrace of sin and socialism."

Another said that Knox County's main concern in 2010 "needs to be getting more guns in bars - More guns in more bars in more locations would pretty much solve all our problems, wouldn't it?"

The final respondent said what Knox County needed in 2010 was "more light-hearted entertainment. All the mistresses of Tiger Woods, David Letterman and South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford need to pool their talents together, come up with a traveling road show and come play the Tennessee Theater. Maybe they could come for that Big Ears Festival in March - although in that case people would probably call it something besides 'Big Ears.' I kind of favor 'Madrigals Mistresses Tour' myself."

Although just one half of one percent of the survey respondents listed any local issues at all in their top concerns for 2010, the forecast is not completely bleak. Widely scattered patches of light voter turnout are expected for the area political races in the fall, with an 85 percent chance of the Knox County mayor's election being decided in May's Republican primary. A few experts call for a 1 percent chance of a Democrat winning the county mayor's office, while most say the local Democratic party doesn't show up on their radar screens at all...

12/31

Knox County New Year's Irresolution

Citing "uncertainties inherent in decisive resolve," County Commission postpones action on New Year's tradition

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - In a surprise outcome for a special called session, Knox County Commission today postponed action on any New Year's resolutions until such time as it becomes clear which resolutions would be most likely to be kept. Commission made the move at the behest of Mayor Ragsdale's office. The result was a far cry from commission's original purpose for the meeting, which was called precisely so commissioners could arrive at a single resolution all could agree to. The debate on the issue actually began with a proposed resolution aimed at the mayor's office.

"We could resolve not to put up with anymore of Mayor Ragsdale's guff and double-talk," suggested Commissioner Paul Pinkston at the beginning of the proceedings.

"No, we do that every year anyway, and we never keep it," replied Commissioner Sam McKenzie.

"Couldn't we at least resolve to do something to annoy 'im?" pleaded Pinkston.

"Say, maybe instead of making a new resolution, we could just identify an old one we kept, reissue that and be done with it," proposed Commissioner Michele Carringer.

"I like it, but since we can't do it in secret, somebody'd report it, and then the people would be mad at us again," sighed Commissioner Ivan Harmon...

12/30

Actual Voters Found on Voter Rolls

Election Commission believes some may even have voted in local elections

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - The Knox County Election Commission has discovered almost 24 voters on the official voter rolls after learning they had either voted or registered to vote elsewhere some time in the last 50 years, officials said Tuesday.

Of that number, it is believed only 12 have actually cast ballots in location elections since 1984. It's not believed that enough voted in any one race for anybody to actually notice that someone had voted in that contest, according to Knox County Administrator of Elections Greg Mackay.

"We do try to record it if someone votes in a race, but it's so rare, it's no wonder that sometimes it goes unnoticed," said Mackay.

The discovery came after the Tennessee Census Department sent county election officials a list of citizens' Social Security numbers who had "historically shown a possible pattern of civic involvement sufficient to cause suspicion that they might be voters," Mackay said...

12/28

Consumers Try to Return 2009

"'Hope and change' was all smoke and mirrors - We demand a different year," angry voters cry

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - For many, 2009 is ending as it began, as citizens disgruntled with the way the year had unfolded tried to exchange it for a better one.

Across the nation, crowds holding signs reading "Hope? Nope!" and "Exchange the Change!" while chanting "Hope and Change Equals More of the Same" were thronging shopping centers. Meanwhile, those who tried to turn in the year at refund and exchange counters encountered only frustration, as clerks refused to accept the used year.

Longtime Democrat Shirley Knotts of French Lick, Indiana, who, despite voting for President Obama in 2008, came to her local CVS Pharmacy in hopes of returning 2009 for a refund.

"This here 2009 prescription for 'hope and change' was smoke and mirrors - it didn't fix a thing for me," explained Knotts. So I came in to exchange this old year for a less-expensive fix and use whatever change was left over to maybe buy myself a nice little week without worries, if you follow? But no, they won't even refund my money, they won't exchange it, they won't do nothing. So I'm stuck with this here used year that wasn't at all what I expected and didn't do nothing to change my circumstances for the better. I feel gypped."

In Muleshoe, Texas, Pete Stilwip was among the members of the group Angry About Incompetence, Incumbents, Excess and Everything!! (AAiiEE!!) protesting 2009's lousiness in the Alco Discount Store parking lot.

"It started with government take-overs and taxing and spending and mortgaging our future and our children's and our children's children's and our children's children's children's future and it's ending the same," said Stilwip. "It's on to the seventh generation now. We're sick of the greed and the graft. We know it didn't start under Obama, but when he got up there and got in charge of it, I reckon that's when it caught our attention..."

12/26

After-Christmas Bargain-Hunters Find Savings on Depression, Regret

Thrifty shoppers seeking deals on excess, conspicuous consumption and keeping up with the joneses fare well too

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Shoppers looking to fill that familiar hollow feeling left by the holidays' departure were finding considerable deals on depression and regret nationwide, a spokesperson for the retail angst advocacy group, Consumers Remorse, said Saturday. Locally, sales were reportedly brisk at Dolorous General Store, Big Dismay Mart, Sad, Sloth & Despond and Oys! 'R' Us.

"Yes, for Christmas, Santa only brought me the blues," explained 48-year-old Siddhartha Suttree, a Fourth & Gill resident and pre-dawn shopper at Dolorous General. "I felt like I needed some dismay to go with my emptiness and despair. So I ended up here, figuring I could get a good deal on next season's gloom, but I'm so melancholy, I suppose I'll pay whatever they ask."

Felicity Ebullians, Dolorous's Special Liaison for Customer Appreciation, Satisfaction & Contentment, said Sutree had come to the right place for deals on doldrums.

"For bargains on post-holiday blues, we have some fantastic savings," she said. "For example, this year we're offering a year-end closeout on despondency. Plus, we have significant mark-downs on buyer's remorse, two-for-one deals on partier's regret and a clearance sale on all dieter's guilt."

At Sad, Sloth & Despond, Harmon Hillari, manager of customer courtesy & felicitations, doorbusters, said customers seeking grief and woe were leaving his store well satisfied...

12/24

Tennesseans Can't Afford Health, Says State Lawmaker

"...And government health care programs make me sick!" proclaims Ramsay

From APB reports. NASHVILLE - Republican state Senate speaker and gubernatorial candidate Ron Ramsey insists Tennesseans can't afford to be healthy and wants to prevent "unhealthy" government interference in citizens' constitutional right to be as sick as they want to be.

In a press conference on Tuesday, Ramsey said that he considers himself a champion of constitutionally protected unhealthiness and will look for any excuse to defend Tennesseans from government-mandated health care.

"There are lots of issues with health care in general, but government-mandated health care will make you sick to your stomach," said Ramsey of Blountville. "Tennessee is one of the most unhealthy states in the union, and we understand we can't afford to offer health care to the least among us, just willy-nilly, because if we start helping prevent ill-health among the poor, they'll just always expect us to do it. We need to protect our right to ill-health, so we want to find some way we can opt out of the federal health care legislation."

Speaker Ramsey, who also carries the titles of Grand Pasha of Preventing Raised Expectations Among the Poor; Supreme Potentate of Preventing Ethics Among State Legislators; Knight of the Most Excellent Order of State's Rightists, Defender of State Gun Rights, Sub-Order of the Crossed Smoking AK-47s, Second Class, Citation for Gallantry in the Cause (Chevrons with Ammo Clips, sans Safety Catch); Imperial Poobah of Out-Conservative-ing Everyone to the Left of Zach Wamp; and Lieutenant Governor, said he is making the request both in his current roles and in any future capacities he may hold...

12/22

Feds May Mandate More Ash Spills to Stimulate Economy

"Look at the booming business in Roane County," says federal official

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - With a new year dawning and the federal government still seeking ways to spend its way to prosperity, the U.S. Economic Prodding Agency will announce the first-ever federal standards for the storage of coal ash that may include mandated ash spills to provide economic opportunities for cleanup companies.

Although the federal government declined to pitch in funds for the Kingston coal-ash cleanup that occurred last year, Mazumah Hanover-Fyste, director of the federal program, Bailin' Our Way, Theoretically Anyway, Out of Unemployment & Recession, Mindful Always of Serious Taxation & Electoral Realities & Setbacks (BOWTAOURMASTERS), said if enough ash spills occurred for ash-spill cleanup to become an industry, it might then be deemed worthy of a bailout.

"What you have to understand is that we only give bailouts to entities too big to fail that failed," explained Hanover-Fyste. "If coal-ash cleanups grow to that standard, we'd gladly look into mortgaging another generation to pay for those costs today. That's why we think mandating coal-ash spills could be just the new opportunity required to jumpstart this economy."

As evidence for the positive economic impact coal-ash cleanups could provide, Hanover-Fyste pointed to Roane County Executive Mike Farmer's statement that the county had a "mini-economic boom" right after the Kingston spill, as local contractors got involved with TVA in the cleanup.

"Mini-economic boom,' that's the operative term," said Hanover-Fyste. "If a coal-ash spill could provide a mini-economic boost to this county, think what kind of boost a thousand coal-ash spills across the country could give to the national economy..."

12/19

Ash Spill Prompts TVA to Erect Data Dams

"We have to prevent the public from being inundated with information," says CEO

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - The Kingston coal fly ash spill weighed heavily in the decision to raise the elevation of its public relations barriers to meet the threat of a catastrophic, and highly likely, flood of requests for information, TVA President and CEO Kilmore Trout acknowledged Friday.

The likelihood of a disaster actually happening that would cause the magnitude of open-record requests that TVA projected in a computer model is remote. But TVA is determined to be prepared to shut down all information leaks in the event of a so-called "perfect storm" public-relations event, Trout told reporters during a news conference at TVA headquarters in Knoxville.

Prior to Dec. 22, 2008, the possibility seemed remote that TVA would be forced to work overtime to deflect unpleasant questions and massage messages about why a holding pond at the Kingston Fossil Plant collapsed and released 5.4 million cubic yards of coal fly ash into the Emory River and across 300 acres of Roane County landscape...

12/18

KUB Hires TVA as Tree-Gutting Consultant

TVA looking to expand core incompetencies, says TVA CEO Kilmore Trout

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Facing an angry backlash from a public upset by its tree-mangling practices, KUB is bringing in an expert with unhappy customers to advise it: The Tennessee Valley Authority.

"TVA is already facing significant unpopularity for all of their missteps in the previous year with their coal-ash spill, their attempts to downplay the severity of the release and so forth. So having them guide us on our tree-gutting program seems an extremely logical path forward," said Susan B. Anthony, the utility's vice president of scrupulously responsible environmental stewardship, achingly sincere communications and unwaveringly harmonious community relations. Her statements came after the utility company's Board of Commissioners unanimously adopted a resolution to establish a Rootin'-Tootin' Root-'n'-Branch Tree-Guttin' Policy Panel.

"We'd like to get started quickly," said Anthony. "It's critical that we have someone to divert blame to," she added, noting that KUB would like tree experts, neighborhood associations and environmental groups, among others, to take their complaints directly to TVA when they are displeased with their tree-gutting service...

12/15

Commission to Cut Babies in Half

Compromise measure will allow commissioners to split infants

Editor's note: this story replaces a story entitled, "Commissioners Whiff on Questioning Ragsdale Over Kosovo Trip"

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - In a startling diversion from its original topic, after indulging in lengthy deliberations over Knox County's recall provision, Knox County Commission yesterday voted itself the authority to cut infants in half to reach compromises. The motion passed on a 15-4 vote after spirited debate that included dire predictions of electoral Armageddon if babies weren't cut in half.

The surprising developments came after commission apparently lost itself in the discussion of its original motion, lowering the threshold of signatures needed to trigger a recall election. That subject was brought by Commissioner Richard Briggs, who initially wanted to make it easier to recall officeholders by lowering the threshold from 15 percent of registered voters to at least 3 or 4 of the 6 or 7 voters who cast ballots in the election in question...

12/12

Knox County Defends 'Hostess Twinkie' Program

That Giant Swooshing Sound You Hear...

Sunday, December 13, 2009

"Snark Bites" 12/06-12/09

12/12

Knox County Defends 'Hostess Twinkie' Program

Charges of being fattening, addictive unfair say officials

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Knox County's use of Hostess Twinkies® to lure businesses to the area has come under fire as being "unfair competition" as well as being unhealthy and potentially addictive, according to critics of the practice. Knox County officials insist, however, that the snack cake program violates no business regulations, and, taken in moderation, the confections represent no more of a health threat than any other calorie-laden, sugary dessert. They also deny assertions that the snack food program's inventory has been seriously depleted by county employees who return from breaks with severe attacks of the munchies.

The Hostess Twinkie program came under fire after photographs surfaced of what appeared to be two Knox County Hostess Twinkies standing outside the Kosovo Minister of Economic Development's window holding up signs reading "Једу ми." (Roughly translated, the phrase means, "Your taste buds will be pleasantly stimulated by our delicious cream filling!") Knox County Commissioner Paul Pinkston said the photographs were clear evidence that the business recruiting practices of Knox County Mayor Mike Ragsdale's administration are unethical.

"You don't flaunt your succulent, sweet-smelling form and say "Једу ми" to Eastern European officials without realizing what kind of effect you're going to have - that they are going to be slavering after you like Pavlov's dogs," said Pinkston. "Many of these people have never tasted junk food before. It's completely unfair to them. It's like giving candy to a baby."

But Ragsdale said that "the proof was in the pudding" that the Twinkie program wasn't unethical.

"So far, our attempts to attract Kosovian businesses to Knox County with the Twinkie program have failed miserably," explained Ragsdale. "Trust me, it's no piece of cake to make this program succeed. In fact, we have more than failed to attract businesses: The Twinkies have driven Knox County businesses to Kosovo. How could a program that doesn't work be 'unfair competition'?"

Pinkston countered that the "Twinkie defense" wasn't good enough and Ragsdale needed to bring his Twinkies before commission and demonstrate that the Twinkies were not mouth-watering enough to lure prospective businesses here.

"I think he needs to come down to commission and let us sample these little dainties ourselves," Pinkston said. "I just think he needs to come forward and not only let the commissioners taste the goodies but also let the people of Knox County have a bite too. That's the only way we can be sure these here Little Debbies don't have any performance-enhancing additives that make 'em impossible to resist."

Other commissioners indicated they, too, wanted to try the Hostess Twinkies and supported the idea of quizzing Ragsdale while eating his snack cakes...

12/10

That Giant Swooshing Sound You Hear...

...is the fabled "winds of same" blowing through the Tennessee Valley

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Although some thought it caused by more promises of change from President Obama, the giant swooshing sound heard throughout the region yesterday was actually caused by locally produced "winds of same."

"Several converging upheavals in the local scene concentrated across a short time span spawned a maelstrom of much-a-do-do-about-nothing that caused a great disturbance in the farce, which in turn manifested itself as the much-ballyhooed 'Winds of Same,'" explained Senior Mediocrologist Sven Wicked. "All the keening and wailing of the people experiencing excruciating sameness probably contributed, too."

According to Wicked, developments that contributed to the winds of same outbreak included:

-- On the heels of a scathing report charging its coal ash spill last year released more heavy metals into the environment than Black Sabbath, Metallica, Linkin Park, and Iron Maiden combined, TVA has threatened to suspend local operations and move to Kosovo.

"What with lawsuits, federal scrutiny, recommendations of increased regulatory oversight, people's seeming inability to get past an incident that happened one whole year ago, and just the whole general sense of bitchiness we get these days, the local utility business has lost its vitality and taken the joy and bonuses out of power generation," explained TVA President & CEO Kilmore Trout. "So if people don't get off our backs, we're taking our facilities and going where they don't boggle over trifling details like environmental disasters and human health threats - where people, in fact, enjoy a little heavy metal tang in their water, where they walk thousands of miles just to sample the drinking water and say, "Wow, that's some delicious heavy metals right there."

If TVA departs for Kosovo because of adverse local conditions, it would be the second local company to do so in recent months. The utility giant would follow local electric contractor, Atlas, Inc., which recently released a statement saying it was "looking for greener pastures, which is to say, cash, to pay its mounting debts, in the Balkans."

In a related gust of the winds of same ol', same ol', Knox County Commissioner Paul Pinkston, as usual, wants Knox County Mayor Mike Ragsdale's role in Atlas's Kosovo move probed.

"I want to get him before us and make him answer questions," explained Pinkston. "And if he won't respond to grilling, then I want to sub-panini him - 'cause sub-paninis just come natural after a grillin'..."

12/08

What Will Be the Top Snark Bites of 2010?

"Whatever you predict, we'll top it," vow county officials

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - 2010 is almost upon us, so once again it's time to project what the most snark bitable stories of the coming year will be. Possibilities are listed below, but feel free to add your own predictions in the comments section. Just remember, no matter how far-out your guess, this is Knox County. And in 2010, "it goes to 11."

Swine Flu Virus Asks for Bailout from U.S. Government
"We're falling far short of our projected infection rates," say dejected microbes; Obama administration mulls request

Facing Severe Funding Shortfall, UT to Begin Renting Out Students as Paperweights, Doorstops
"And our faculty will make excellent coat racks, footstools or other household items," says administration desperate for cash

Homeless to Be Allowed in West Knox
Under new plan, up to four homeless individuals at a time will be allowed to beg at West Knox Interstate off-ramps

Kiffin in Negotiations for Eric Berry to Return for Senior Season
Renaming team 'Volberries" part of deal to lure back star safety

Source of Faked Climate Data Traced to Polar Bears
"We're not really facing extinction - we just wanted to generate enough pity to migrate somewhere warmer," says Ursus maritimus representative

Knox County 'Nayor'
Mayoral hopeful Tim Burchett insists he will "just say nay" to raising taxes

Kiffin in Negotiations to Bring Tim Tebow to UT for Unprecedented 2nd Senior Year and 2nd Heisman Trophy
Kiffin promises to call the "Running through the T" the "Running for the Tebow" if star QB signs; tearful former University of Florida star Insists he's retiring from college football

Tea Partiers to Host 'Tea Coziers'
Seeking to broaden appeal, "kinder, gentler" tea partiers begin offering wide selection of herbal teas, crumpets and scones to project sophisticated image at introductory "beginner aginner" rallies

Knox County 'Mayber'
Mayoral hopeful Tim Hutchison insists he will "just say maybe" to raising taxes

Former County Mayor's Aide Cynthia Finch Makes Deal, Won't Face Jail Time
"A bird in the hand is worth knowing where in the bushes all the bodies are buried," explains prosecutor

Polar Bears Lie, Global Warming Real, Says Source
Tearful tree rings explain discrepancies in data as part of shameful "binge and purge" lifestyle

Melee During 'Running of the Tims' Event Injures Thousands
Knox County citizens' dreams of low taxes crushed at latest event; candidates not named Tim stampeded out of race

Knox County Law Director to Be Subject of Cautionary Dr. Seuss Pastiche
The story, written after the style of the late Theodor Geisel ("Dr. Seuss"), is to be titled, "If Your Lockett Springs Its Sprocket, Don't Fling It at the Faucet, Just Bring It to the Docket. If You Keep It in Your Pocket for a Fleeting Chance to Hock It for a Ringlet for Your Rockette...

Sunday, December 6, 2009

"Snark Bites" 11/29-12/05/09

12/5

Ragsdale's 'Kosovo' Jingle Luring Businesses from Knox

"Giant sucking sound" is county mayor siphoning Knox citizens to Balkans

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Four months ago, Knox County Mayor Mike Ragsdale returned from a trip to Eastern Europe humming "Kosovo," a song he claimed he himself wrote (rumors to the contrary notwithstanding). Based on the Beach Boys' 1988 #1 hit, "Kokomo," at the time, the ditty seemed an innocuous paean to a pleasant tour of the Balkan area. However, subsequent events suggest a more subversive purpose: Marketing Kosovo to local businesses to lure them away from Knox County.

When Ragsdale returned from Kosovo, he claimed he was exploring a program of swapping Knox Countians for Kosovars. In August, the mayor explained the proposed exchange program by saying that Kosovars were "warm, good-hearted folk." He contrasted Knox Countians as "ungrateful and always ready to jump on every picayune $39,000 in questionable P-card charges you have, every little hidden hospitality slush fund, every slightly less-than-accurate accounting procedure, every tiny bit of laxness in community grants oversight," and other characterizations.

Now, however, with the relocation of local contractor Atlas Electric Co. to Kosovo, it appears there is no exchange forthcoming, only a one-way funnel to the land of flija, mućkalica and veal kabobs. And Ragsdale's tune appears to be a major reason for the move.

When asked why he was moving his company to Kosovo, Harry Sherrod, president of Atlas, shrugged.

"Mayor Ragsdale's song, 'Kosovo,' just made Eastern Europe sound so mysterious and alluring, all about kielbasas, goulashes and walks by the Danube on moonlit nights," explained Sherrod. "It was simply irresistible."

The song, harmless enough at first blush, runs as follows:

Mamusha, Pristina, ooo, I'm torn between ya,
My babushka, ch-tchotchke, oh, I really gotcha
Kielbasa, goulash-a, baby, I'm-a boss ya

Off the Adriatic Sea
There's a place called Kosovo
That's where you wanna go to get away from it all

Job didn't go as planned
Myopical finks trying to get me canned.
They'll be getting a shove
To the nation of tamboura bands
Down in Kosovo

Croatia, Albania, ooo I wanna take ya
Baklava, kabobas, that's what's waiting on ya
Sarajevo, Montenegro, baby, why don't they go

Ooo I wanna send 'em down to Kosovo
They'll get there fast
And then I'll take it slow
That's where they're gonna go
Way down to Kosovo

In ancient Greek, we'll try to learn to speak

Not near the sea
But we'll perfect our spinistry
By and by we'll defy a little bit of sanity

Taking in the sights
Blue Danube on moonlit nights
That scheming look in their eyes
Gives me an economical contract high
Way down in Kosovo

Mamusha, Pristina, ooo, I'm torn between ya,
My babushka, ch-tchotchke, oh, I really gotcha
Kielbasa, goulash-a, baby, I'm-a boss ya

Ooo I wanna send 'em down to Kosovo
They'll get there fast
And then I'll take it slow
That's where they're gonna go
Way down to Kosovo

Torts in Linz, I wanna make some cents

Everybody knows
A little place like Kosovo
Now if you wanna go
And get away from it all
Go down to Kosovo

Croatia, Albania, ooo I wanna take ya
Baklava, kabobas, that's what's waiting on ya
Sarajevo, Montenegro, baby, why don't they go

Ooo I wanna send 'em down to Kosovo
They'll get there fast
And then I'll take it slow
That's where they're gonna go
Way down to Kosovo

Yet, even a superficial examination of the lyrics reveals...

12/03

Henley to Become 'Bridge to Nowhere' (Part I)

You can't get there from here on "nowhere bridge"

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - The City of Knoxville will hold a public meeting at a time to be determined at a location yet to be revealed to discuss the closing of the Henley Bridge at some undefined point in the future.

The City's chief traffic engineer will present a project overview and recommendations on how travelers to and from South Knoxville deal with any "minor inconveniences" arising from closing for 3 years the main traffic artery to south Knox County. Officials of the Transferring of Dinero to the Order of Thoroughfare Constructors (TDOTC) group also will be on hand to obfuscate questions.

Rod Hodster, chief traffic engineer for the City of Knoxville, will provide the project overview as well as his recommendations for not getting there from here anymore. Among his recommendations is a proposal that "the area of South Knox severe all ties with the rest of Knoxville proper, declare itself an independent territory and threaten to protect itself by force from any encroachments on its sovereignty, examples of which include finger annexations and so-called representation on Knox County Commission."

The Henley Bridge carried an average 38,813 vehicles per day in 2008 over Fort Loudoun Lake, according to the city. Traffic will be diverted to the areas like Far Rockaway and Timbuktu, but most traffic will just turn around and go back where it came from rather than risk not getting there from here.

Representatives of nine South Knoxville neighborhood groups requested the meeting primarily to make a few perfunctory requests that TDOTC representatives explained are impossible to meet. The neighborhood groups then sighed in resignation as TDOTC revealed its plans for not getting there from here during the 3 years the bridge is closed.

As Travers Brickwall, TDOTC regional spokesperson, put it, "We build things that get people from place A to place B, and people from place B to place A, but people at place C - which is where the thing between places A and B will be built - aren't our concern, nor is how 'A' and 'B' people get there from here while we're building the thing."

One neighborhood spokesperson said, "We know the bridge must be closed, but our streets are just neighborhood streets. They're not designed to handle a lot of traffic. We want to give you some input about that."

"And thank you so much for the input," said Brickwall. "We'll get back to you. Buh-bye..."

Henley to Become 'Bridge to Nowhere' (Part II)

You can't get there from here on "nowhere bridge"

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - In Part I of this two-part exposé, Travers Brickwall, regional spokesperson for the Transferring of Dinero to the Order of Thoroughfare Constructors (TDOTC) group, and Rod Hodster, chief traffic engineer for the City of Knoxville, were explaining the fate of Henley Bridge to representatives of South Knox neighborhoods. For 3 years, Henley was to be a bridge to nowhere, meaning that people of South Knox could not get there from here and those of the North could not get here from there. Brickwall had addressed all of the neighborhood reps' requests and questions, explaining, "No."

Hodster then said that, based on his experience, people south of the bridge should prepare to be somewhere other than here for the duration of the repairs.

"I have had some experience with these sorts of projects, and I've heard your murmuring complaints," he said. "I've been there. And you can't there from here. It's all part of life's rich pageant."

When asked if he were quoting R.E.M. lyrics by way of explaining TDOTC's fabled reconstruction projects, Hodster dismissed the idea by looking at his watch a third time, saying, "Wait, even the suggestion's ridiculous. Going to a place that's far, so far away, and yes, that is enough. Going where nobody's way is known, they don't walk with anybody from back home. You'll wind up unsatisfactory, yet full of stealth and nowhere left but back, stalk along twisty roads, circle around behind yourself. I know it might sound strange, but I believe you'll be circling back before too long. Don't go back to Knoxville! Don't go back to Knoxville! Don't go back to Knoxville! ...You can't get there from here..."

12/01

KPD, KSCO Issue Citations for Holiday Violations

Knoxville Poultry Division, Knox County Shopping Office cite 1,213 for holiday gaucherie

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - A special joint task force of the Knoxville Poultry Division and the Knox County Shopping Office reported issuing 1,213 citations for various violations of holiday etiquette over the long Thanksgiving weekend.

Senior Shopper Kim Klatch-Kargough was unhappy to report that violent altercations at shopping centers were down this Black Friday.

"It's not that we condone violence, but if retailers are going to jingle all the way to the bank, it's shoppers' patriotic duty to be out there fighting for bargains on Black Friday," explained Klatch-Kargough. "This year, we had some baby-boomer grandmas trying to relive their glory days by hoarding the 2009 edition of the Cabbage Patch Dolls™ and some Generation-Z dads trying to squirrel away all the Zhu Zhu Pets™ Hamsters, but that was about it. Everyone else pretty much behaved themselves and stuck to their shopping lists and went for practical items - and in a consumer-oriented economy, 'practical' is the kiss of death. This holiday season, consumers need to be out fighting tooth and claw for items they don't need for the good of capitalism."

Klatch-Kargough then delivered an impassioned plea for the preservation of conspicuous consumption.

"You consumers who are reading this interview instead of being out consuming, you should be ashamed of yourselves," he lectured. "Seriously. We are at the pinnacle of western culture, and if we're going to stay there, you have to buy things you don't need. In the name of all that's shoddy, to save civilization as we know it, go out and shop!"

However, shoppers seemed indifferent to Klatch-Kargough's inveigling.

"Isn't consumerist shopping - by which I mean shopping at big-box shopping centers like Wal-Mart - contributing to the death of western civilization, by driving out mom 'n' pop shops and concentrating wealth in the hands of a few corporations while simultaneously making us little people more dependent on them?" protested Fredo Peebles. "How is consumerism patriotic? I'm so confused."

"Yeah," agreed Zazu Watts. "Why would I worry about western civ? I got a C- in it. I just gotta get a new Dustbuster and get outta here."

"Let western civilization fall, what do I care?" declaimed Zelda Kvetchsherald. "What is it to me? As long as there is champagne and caviar and chocolate - and chocolate-flavored champagne - and champagne-flavored caviar - and caviar-flavored chocolate - I am content."

Although caviar-flavored chocolate seems gauche in the extreme, Chief Chef Sterling Silverware, the Fork, explained that most of the holiday gaucherie his department deals with is of a more mundane sort. He said his department is mainly concerned with keeping amateur cooks and their guests safe during the intense meal preparation hours from 5 p.m. Wednesday through the drowsy post-dinner period on Thanksgiving Day...

"Snark Bites" 11/22-28/09

11/27

City Renews Unspecific, Inoffensive, Yet Semi-Christmasy Holiday Tradition

Theme of this year's nondenominational, nonjudgmental seasonal shindig: Commerce

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, TN - Once again, the festive yellow and orange lights of the tow trucks cast their heavenly glow against Gay Street's skyline as the Fete of the Towing of the Cars® launched the traditional Lighting of Generic White Lights in Cone Formations Festival®. The lights festival in turn kicks of the 31st annual Unspecific, Inoffensive, Yet Semi-Christmasy Holiday Celebration in the City®.

This year's nondenominational, nonjudgmental seasonal shindig's theme is "Commerce, and the Cartoon Christmas Characters Used to Drive It"™. Featured characters of this year's theme include Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer®, Frosty the Snowman®, and Charlie Brown, the Lovable Loser Who Learns the True Meaning of Christmas®. Previous celebration themes have included "White Lights/Black Friday," "Silver and Gold All Season Long," "Tax Recapture and Release," "Shamelessly Commercial Christmas Jingles" and "Secular Humanism."

The ceremony will be solemnly capped off with a display of red, white and blue fireworks as Rudolf, Frosty and Charlie Brown throw the switch lighting up a 38-inch tall deciduous shrubbery in Krutch Park. The decision to use a size-challenged shrub is part of an overall municipal effort to make the holidays more inclusive of diverse foliage amid concerns that different sizes and types of trees and other flora might feel slighted by the celebration's long-running focus on large evergreens.

Although the streets were packed with onlookers for the Fete of the Towing of the Cars, Michael Haynes, a long-time enthusiast of the event, said the celebration had lost some of its luster in recent years.

"They give the vehicleans too much warning these days," explained Haynes. "Used to be, the city'd put up 'Temporary no parking, 6 p.m.-9 p.m.' signs, then start the towing of the cars at 4:30 just for fun. The looks on the faces of the frantic shoppers running out of the stores: priceless. But now, they start towing when they say they will. Back when I was a lad, I bet the tow truck companies would capture two, three hundred vehicles. They've made it too sporting, too humane now. They've robbed the festival of all its surprise and joy."

Bill Lyons, the city's Senior Director of Communicatin' the Christmas Spirit, faced tough questions from the media over the controversial decision to include blue lights in the traditional Generic White Lights in Cone Formations Festival. The justification previously put forth for using only white lights in the event was that white light includes the entire spectrum, so all colors of light were equally represented by the white. Lyons was asked if there were a special significance to the inclusion of the blue lights.

"No," Lyons said. "There is no special significance to the blue."

But the press persisted.

"Was there pressure to have colors other than white represented in the lights this year?" asked the collected media representatives.

"We just thought we'd add a little color," said Lyons.

"Oh, come on. You have to have a reason. There must be a meaning behind it," insisted the media.

"No," said Lyons.

"Was it to show support for the Kentucky Wildcats in tomorrow's game against the Tennessee Vols?" asked the media.

"No," answered Lyons.

"Was it in tribute to Elvis's 'Blue Christmas'?" asked the media.

"You know what, I'm going to let Mickey Mallonee, the city's Coordinator of Rationalizing Arcane Special Events Decisions, take over here," said Lyons.

"Good grief, no, it's not a tribute to Elvis," said Mallonee.

"Is blue the traditional Christmas color of Poland or some other un-American country or something?" asked the media.

"The what of what," said Mallonee. "I don't kn- Look, we just have blue lights this year, all right?" ...

11/25

Potential Mayoral Candidate Cosby Faces Identity 'Clarification'

To be or not to be Republican: That is the question

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Potential Knox County mayoral candidate Lewis Cosby is undergoing a crisis of political faith and is seeking "clarification" of his political identity in the coming months, he announced today.

A former certified public accountant, sometime television station manager and full-time critic of County Mayor Mike Ragsdale's administration, Cosby picked up petitions to run for county mayor next year both as an Independent and as a Republican.

"I was taught to always be open-minded about political orientation," said Cosby, 59. "I'm keeping my options open. If I need to undergo an identity clarification procedure to transform myself into a viable political candidate, I think I have the flexibility for that. Just don't call me a Democrat - not that there's anything wrong with them."

Cosby has combed mayoral financial records for discrepancies in everything from purchasing card reports to the budget, and has offered to brush, wash, lather, rinse and repeat his criticism of the mayor's handling of his financial house.

"I want to make sure that, in me, the voters of Knox County have the best option for Knox County mayor," said Cosby, who is on the Knox County Ethics Committee. "This will be a pivotal year, and I want to make sure I am the right person there to fix the fulcrum, whichever way it sways. That's why I will gaze into the navel of my political positions to determine if I can maintain those positions and still be the candidate who wins the election. If not, those stances will change."

Cosby says it's important that voters know who is and what he stands for, which is why he is taking the time now to find out for himself.

"Yes, I want to clear myself, I mean, I want to be very clear on this myself," clarified Cosby. "Who am I? Am I Republican? Am I Independent? Am I some new hybrid that might appeal to a liberal, moderate and conservative viewpoint, to peaceniks, tea partiers and Palintologists alike? I don't know. That's what I'm going to find out..."

11/24

Knox County Government Facing Cancellation?

With cast members departing, can county government still entertain?

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Amidst a rash of announcements that several of its most popular characters will not be back for the 2010-2011 season, the long-running Knox County Government may face the prospect of dwindling viewership as citizens lose interest in its antics.

Media favorite Victoria DeFreese confirmed yesterday that she would not return to the role of "Knox County Commissioner Victoria DeFreese" next season, saying, "I intend to spend less time in the limelight and more time with my family - although I have deepest sympathy for the limelight's loss."

Meanwhile, contract negotiations with the Law-Director-Everybody-Loves-to-Hate, Bill Lockett, remain at an impasse, during which he has refused to leave his dressing room to take part in any of his assigned scenes. It appears likely that he will be phased out of the production over the course of the next two years, as understudy Joe Jarret transforms the role into the Law-Director-Everybody-Loves-to-Like.

Other fan favorites who have already left or announced their imminent departure include Mike Ragsdale, Mark Harmon, Thomas "Tank" Moore, Greg "Lumpy" Lambert and Scott "Scoobie" Moore. Moore was booted from the production after a series of highly publicized smirk-ups with current cast member "Our" Larry Smith.

Moore has continued to lobby unsuccessfully for reinstatement, publicly promising to be less smirkful, but it's believed Moore's emotive range runs only from smirk to pout. However, some talk has centered around spinning Moore off into a show of his own, The Smirks, in which he would play multiple roles, including Papa Smirk, Jokey Smirk, Grouchy Smirk and Smirkette.

South Knox County used car dealer Paul Pinkston, who plays "Knox County 9th District Commissioner Paul Pinkston" in the local government, is still weighing his return to the series. It's rumored that, in exchange for his return, Pinkston is demanding higher billing and his own special nickname - possibly "Peevish."

With the loss of so many distinctive characters, can Knox County government continue?

Bill Lyons, the City of Knoxville's Senior Government Drama Critic, thinks so.

"Governments, like TV series, can endure all kinds of casting changes," explained Lyons. "It's cyclical. People tend to forget that, not even 8 years ago, the hottest ticket in town for government controversy and political theater was Knoxville city government...

Mr. Mean

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