"Snark Bites" 11/29-12/05/09

12/5

Ragsdale's 'Kosovo' Jingle Luring Businesses from Knox

"Giant sucking sound" is county mayor siphoning Knox citizens to Balkans

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Four months ago, Knox County Mayor Mike Ragsdale returned from a trip to Eastern Europe humming "Kosovo," a song he claimed he himself wrote (rumors to the contrary notwithstanding). Based on the Beach Boys' 1988 #1 hit, "Kokomo," at the time, the ditty seemed an innocuous paean to a pleasant tour of the Balkan area. However, subsequent events suggest a more subversive purpose: Marketing Kosovo to local businesses to lure them away from Knox County.

When Ragsdale returned from Kosovo, he claimed he was exploring a program of swapping Knox Countians for Kosovars. In August, the mayor explained the proposed exchange program by saying that Kosovars were "warm, good-hearted folk." He contrasted Knox Countians as "ungrateful and always ready to jump on every picayune $39,000 in questionable P-card charges you have, every little hidden hospitality slush fund, every slightly less-than-accurate accounting procedure, every tiny bit of laxness in community grants oversight," and other characterizations.

Now, however, with the relocation of local contractor Atlas Electric Co. to Kosovo, it appears there is no exchange forthcoming, only a one-way funnel to the land of flija, mućkalica and veal kabobs. And Ragsdale's tune appears to be a major reason for the move.

When asked why he was moving his company to Kosovo, Harry Sherrod, president of Atlas, shrugged.

"Mayor Ragsdale's song, 'Kosovo,' just made Eastern Europe sound so mysterious and alluring, all about kielbasas, goulashes and walks by the Danube on moonlit nights," explained Sherrod. "It was simply irresistible."

The song, harmless enough at first blush, runs as follows:

Mamusha, Pristina, ooo, I'm torn between ya,
My babushka, ch-tchotchke, oh, I really gotcha
Kielbasa, goulash-a, baby, I'm-a boss ya

Off the Adriatic Sea
There's a place called Kosovo
That's where you wanna go to get away from it all

Job didn't go as planned
Myopical finks trying to get me canned.
They'll be getting a shove
To the nation of tamboura bands
Down in Kosovo

Croatia, Albania, ooo I wanna take ya
Baklava, kabobas, that's what's waiting on ya
Sarajevo, Montenegro, baby, why don't they go

Ooo I wanna send 'em down to Kosovo
They'll get there fast
And then I'll take it slow
That's where they're gonna go
Way down to Kosovo

In ancient Greek, we'll try to learn to speak

Not near the sea
But we'll perfect our spinistry
By and by we'll defy a little bit of sanity

Taking in the sights
Blue Danube on moonlit nights
That scheming look in their eyes
Gives me an economical contract high
Way down in Kosovo

Mamusha, Pristina, ooo, I'm torn between ya,
My babushka, ch-tchotchke, oh, I really gotcha
Kielbasa, goulash-a, baby, I'm-a boss ya

Ooo I wanna send 'em down to Kosovo
They'll get there fast
And then I'll take it slow
That's where they're gonna go
Way down to Kosovo

Torts in Linz, I wanna make some cents

Everybody knows
A little place like Kosovo
Now if you wanna go
And get away from it all
Go down to Kosovo

Croatia, Albania, ooo I wanna take ya
Baklava, kabobas, that's what's waiting on ya
Sarajevo, Montenegro, baby, why don't they go

Ooo I wanna send 'em down to Kosovo
They'll get there fast
And then I'll take it slow
That's where they're gonna go
Way down to Kosovo

Yet, even a superficial examination of the lyrics reveals...

12/03

Henley to Become 'Bridge to Nowhere' (Part I)

You can't get there from here on "nowhere bridge"

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - The City of Knoxville will hold a public meeting at a time to be determined at a location yet to be revealed to discuss the closing of the Henley Bridge at some undefined point in the future.

The City's chief traffic engineer will present a project overview and recommendations on how travelers to and from South Knoxville deal with any "minor inconveniences" arising from closing for 3 years the main traffic artery to south Knox County. Officials of the Transferring of Dinero to the Order of Thoroughfare Constructors (TDOTC) group also will be on hand to obfuscate questions.

Rod Hodster, chief traffic engineer for the City of Knoxville, will provide the project overview as well as his recommendations for not getting there from here anymore. Among his recommendations is a proposal that "the area of South Knox severe all ties with the rest of Knoxville proper, declare itself an independent territory and threaten to protect itself by force from any encroachments on its sovereignty, examples of which include finger annexations and so-called representation on Knox County Commission."

The Henley Bridge carried an average 38,813 vehicles per day in 2008 over Fort Loudoun Lake, according to the city. Traffic will be diverted to the areas like Far Rockaway and Timbuktu, but most traffic will just turn around and go back where it came from rather than risk not getting there from here.

Representatives of nine South Knoxville neighborhood groups requested the meeting primarily to make a few perfunctory requests that TDOTC representatives explained are impossible to meet. The neighborhood groups then sighed in resignation as TDOTC revealed its plans for not getting there from here during the 3 years the bridge is closed.

As Travers Brickwall, TDOTC regional spokesperson, put it, "We build things that get people from place A to place B, and people from place B to place A, but people at place C - which is where the thing between places A and B will be built - aren't our concern, nor is how 'A' and 'B' people get there from here while we're building the thing."

One neighborhood spokesperson said, "We know the bridge must be closed, but our streets are just neighborhood streets. They're not designed to handle a lot of traffic. We want to give you some input about that."

"And thank you so much for the input," said Brickwall. "We'll get back to you. Buh-bye..."

Henley to Become 'Bridge to Nowhere' (Part II)

You can't get there from here on "nowhere bridge"

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - In Part I of this two-part exposé, Travers Brickwall, regional spokesperson for the Transferring of Dinero to the Order of Thoroughfare Constructors (TDOTC) group, and Rod Hodster, chief traffic engineer for the City of Knoxville, were explaining the fate of Henley Bridge to representatives of South Knox neighborhoods. For 3 years, Henley was to be a bridge to nowhere, meaning that people of South Knox could not get there from here and those of the North could not get here from there. Brickwall had addressed all of the neighborhood reps' requests and questions, explaining, "No."

Hodster then said that, based on his experience, people south of the bridge should prepare to be somewhere other than here for the duration of the repairs.

"I have had some experience with these sorts of projects, and I've heard your murmuring complaints," he said. "I've been there. And you can't there from here. It's all part of life's rich pageant."

When asked if he were quoting R.E.M. lyrics by way of explaining TDOTC's fabled reconstruction projects, Hodster dismissed the idea by looking at his watch a third time, saying, "Wait, even the suggestion's ridiculous. Going to a place that's far, so far away, and yes, that is enough. Going where nobody's way is known, they don't walk with anybody from back home. You'll wind up unsatisfactory, yet full of stealth and nowhere left but back, stalk along twisty roads, circle around behind yourself. I know it might sound strange, but I believe you'll be circling back before too long. Don't go back to Knoxville! Don't go back to Knoxville! Don't go back to Knoxville! ...You can't get there from here..."

12/01

KPD, KSCO Issue Citations for Holiday Violations

Knoxville Poultry Division, Knox County Shopping Office cite 1,213 for holiday gaucherie

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - A special joint task force of the Knoxville Poultry Division and the Knox County Shopping Office reported issuing 1,213 citations for various violations of holiday etiquette over the long Thanksgiving weekend.

Senior Shopper Kim Klatch-Kargough was unhappy to report that violent altercations at shopping centers were down this Black Friday.

"It's not that we condone violence, but if retailers are going to jingle all the way to the bank, it's shoppers' patriotic duty to be out there fighting for bargains on Black Friday," explained Klatch-Kargough. "This year, we had some baby-boomer grandmas trying to relive their glory days by hoarding the 2009 edition of the Cabbage Patch Dolls™ and some Generation-Z dads trying to squirrel away all the Zhu Zhu Pets™ Hamsters, but that was about it. Everyone else pretty much behaved themselves and stuck to their shopping lists and went for practical items - and in a consumer-oriented economy, 'practical' is the kiss of death. This holiday season, consumers need to be out fighting tooth and claw for items they don't need for the good of capitalism."

Klatch-Kargough then delivered an impassioned plea for the preservation of conspicuous consumption.

"You consumers who are reading this interview instead of being out consuming, you should be ashamed of yourselves," he lectured. "Seriously. We are at the pinnacle of western culture, and if we're going to stay there, you have to buy things you don't need. In the name of all that's shoddy, to save civilization as we know it, go out and shop!"

However, shoppers seemed indifferent to Klatch-Kargough's inveigling.

"Isn't consumerist shopping - by which I mean shopping at big-box shopping centers like Wal-Mart - contributing to the death of western civilization, by driving out mom 'n' pop shops and concentrating wealth in the hands of a few corporations while simultaneously making us little people more dependent on them?" protested Fredo Peebles. "How is consumerism patriotic? I'm so confused."

"Yeah," agreed Zazu Watts. "Why would I worry about western civ? I got a C- in it. I just gotta get a new Dustbuster and get outta here."

"Let western civilization fall, what do I care?" declaimed Zelda Kvetchsherald. "What is it to me? As long as there is champagne and caviar and chocolate - and chocolate-flavored champagne - and champagne-flavored caviar - and caviar-flavored chocolate - I am content."

Although caviar-flavored chocolate seems gauche in the extreme, Chief Chef Sterling Silverware, the Fork, explained that most of the holiday gaucherie his department deals with is of a more mundane sort. He said his department is mainly concerned with keeping amateur cooks and their guests safe during the intense meal preparation hours from 5 p.m. Wednesday through the drowsy post-dinner period on Thanksgiving Day...

"Snark Bites" 11/22-28/09

11/27

City Renews Unspecific, Inoffensive, Yet Semi-Christmasy Holiday Tradition

Theme of this year's nondenominational, nonjudgmental seasonal shindig: Commerce

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, TN - Once again, the festive yellow and orange lights of the tow trucks cast their heavenly glow against Gay Street's skyline as the Fete of the Towing of the Cars® launched the traditional Lighting of Generic White Lights in Cone Formations Festival®. The lights festival in turn kicks of the 31st annual Unspecific, Inoffensive, Yet Semi-Christmasy Holiday Celebration in the City®.

This year's nondenominational, nonjudgmental seasonal shindig's theme is "Commerce, and the Cartoon Christmas Characters Used to Drive It"™. Featured characters of this year's theme include Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer®, Frosty the Snowman®, and Charlie Brown, the Lovable Loser Who Learns the True Meaning of Christmas®. Previous celebration themes have included "White Lights/Black Friday," "Silver and Gold All Season Long," "Tax Recapture and Release," "Shamelessly Commercial Christmas Jingles" and "Secular Humanism."

The ceremony will be solemnly capped off with a display of red, white and blue fireworks as Rudolf, Frosty and Charlie Brown throw the switch lighting up a 38-inch tall deciduous shrubbery in Krutch Park. The decision to use a size-challenged shrub is part of an overall municipal effort to make the holidays more inclusive of diverse foliage amid concerns that different sizes and types of trees and other flora might feel slighted by the celebration's long-running focus on large evergreens.

Although the streets were packed with onlookers for the Fete of the Towing of the Cars, Michael Haynes, a long-time enthusiast of the event, said the celebration had lost some of its luster in recent years.

"They give the vehicleans too much warning these days," explained Haynes. "Used to be, the city'd put up 'Temporary no parking, 6 p.m.-9 p.m.' signs, then start the towing of the cars at 4:30 just for fun. The looks on the faces of the frantic shoppers running out of the stores: priceless. But now, they start towing when they say they will. Back when I was a lad, I bet the tow truck companies would capture two, three hundred vehicles. They've made it too sporting, too humane now. They've robbed the festival of all its surprise and joy."

Bill Lyons, the city's Senior Director of Communicatin' the Christmas Spirit, faced tough questions from the media over the controversial decision to include blue lights in the traditional Generic White Lights in Cone Formations Festival. The justification previously put forth for using only white lights in the event was that white light includes the entire spectrum, so all colors of light were equally represented by the white. Lyons was asked if there were a special significance to the inclusion of the blue lights.

"No," Lyons said. "There is no special significance to the blue."

But the press persisted.

"Was there pressure to have colors other than white represented in the lights this year?" asked the collected media representatives.

"We just thought we'd add a little color," said Lyons.

"Oh, come on. You have to have a reason. There must be a meaning behind it," insisted the media.

"No," said Lyons.

"Was it to show support for the Kentucky Wildcats in tomorrow's game against the Tennessee Vols?" asked the media.

"No," answered Lyons.

"Was it in tribute to Elvis's 'Blue Christmas'?" asked the media.

"You know what, I'm going to let Mickey Mallonee, the city's Coordinator of Rationalizing Arcane Special Events Decisions, take over here," said Lyons.

"Good grief, no, it's not a tribute to Elvis," said Mallonee.

"Is blue the traditional Christmas color of Poland or some other un-American country or something?" asked the media.

"The what of what," said Mallonee. "I don't kn- Look, we just have blue lights this year, all right?" ...

11/25

Potential Mayoral Candidate Cosby Faces Identity 'Clarification'

To be or not to be Republican: That is the question

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Potential Knox County mayoral candidate Lewis Cosby is undergoing a crisis of political faith and is seeking "clarification" of his political identity in the coming months, he announced today.

A former certified public accountant, sometime television station manager and full-time critic of County Mayor Mike Ragsdale's administration, Cosby picked up petitions to run for county mayor next year both as an Independent and as a Republican.

"I was taught to always be open-minded about political orientation," said Cosby, 59. "I'm keeping my options open. If I need to undergo an identity clarification procedure to transform myself into a viable political candidate, I think I have the flexibility for that. Just don't call me a Democrat - not that there's anything wrong with them."

Cosby has combed mayoral financial records for discrepancies in everything from purchasing card reports to the budget, and has offered to brush, wash, lather, rinse and repeat his criticism of the mayor's handling of his financial house.

"I want to make sure that, in me, the voters of Knox County have the best option for Knox County mayor," said Cosby, who is on the Knox County Ethics Committee. "This will be a pivotal year, and I want to make sure I am the right person there to fix the fulcrum, whichever way it sways. That's why I will gaze into the navel of my political positions to determine if I can maintain those positions and still be the candidate who wins the election. If not, those stances will change."

Cosby says it's important that voters know who is and what he stands for, which is why he is taking the time now to find out for himself.

"Yes, I want to clear myself, I mean, I want to be very clear on this myself," clarified Cosby. "Who am I? Am I Republican? Am I Independent? Am I some new hybrid that might appeal to a liberal, moderate and conservative viewpoint, to peaceniks, tea partiers and Palintologists alike? I don't know. That's what I'm going to find out..."

11/24

Knox County Government Facing Cancellation?

With cast members departing, can county government still entertain?

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Amidst a rash of announcements that several of its most popular characters will not be back for the 2010-2011 season, the long-running Knox County Government may face the prospect of dwindling viewership as citizens lose interest in its antics.

Media favorite Victoria DeFreese confirmed yesterday that she would not return to the role of "Knox County Commissioner Victoria DeFreese" next season, saying, "I intend to spend less time in the limelight and more time with my family - although I have deepest sympathy for the limelight's loss."

Meanwhile, contract negotiations with the Law-Director-Everybody-Loves-to-Hate, Bill Lockett, remain at an impasse, during which he has refused to leave his dressing room to take part in any of his assigned scenes. It appears likely that he will be phased out of the production over the course of the next two years, as understudy Joe Jarret transforms the role into the Law-Director-Everybody-Loves-to-Like.

Other fan favorites who have already left or announced their imminent departure include Mike Ragsdale, Mark Harmon, Thomas "Tank" Moore, Greg "Lumpy" Lambert and Scott "Scoobie" Moore. Moore was booted from the production after a series of highly publicized smirk-ups with current cast member "Our" Larry Smith.

Moore has continued to lobby unsuccessfully for reinstatement, publicly promising to be less smirkful, but it's believed Moore's emotive range runs only from smirk to pout. However, some talk has centered around spinning Moore off into a show of his own, The Smirks, in which he would play multiple roles, including Papa Smirk, Jokey Smirk, Grouchy Smirk and Smirkette.

South Knox County used car dealer Paul Pinkston, who plays "Knox County 9th District Commissioner Paul Pinkston" in the local government, is still weighing his return to the series. It's rumored that, in exchange for his return, Pinkston is demanding higher billing and his own special nickname - possibly "Peevish."

With the loss of so many distinctive characters, can Knox County government continue?

Bill Lyons, the City of Knoxville's Senior Government Drama Critic, thinks so.

"Governments, like TV series, can endure all kinds of casting changes," explained Lyons. "It's cyclical. People tend to forget that, not even 8 years ago, the hottest ticket in town for government controversy and political theater was Knoxville city government...

"Snark Bites" 11/15-21/09

11/17

County Commission Votes Against Homelessness

Commissioners say vote reflects "shock and awe" at very notion of people being homeless

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Knox County Commission voted 15-4 Monday to kill homelessness in West Knox County after taking officials to task for allegedly fast-tracking the project to introduce the idea of "the homeless" to the West Knox area.

While most commissioners said they want someone to help homeless people and in theory support a Ten-Year Plan to Fund Chronic Homelessness, they would prefer someone do it somewhere else where they don't have to see it.

Additionally, they were incensed at having the concept of homelessness sprung on unsuspecting West Knox Countians in such a forward manner, in defiance of good manners and taste.

"What, homeless people?" gasped an astounded Commissioner Mike Hammond, whose 5th District includes the property. "You honestly expect us to believe there are homeless people in Knox County? Stop pulling my leg...Wait, you're serious? There are? Well, I'll be...Whoda thunkit?"

Commissioner Mark Harmon said, "Oh come on. West Knox Countians never conceived of the possibility that there might be homeless people here? That is so bogus."

"Nope, never," replied Hammond sympathetically. "I'm shocked, shocked, I say, at the very notion. 'Homelessness' never crossed our minds - it's inconceivable to us. At the very least, it's not been properly vetted. If you truly want us to ponder the idea of 'homelessness,' give our book club the novel. Then we'll have a roundtable discussion on it over coffee and donuts."

The proposal would have allowed the county to relocate as many as two dozen homeless individuals into West Knox County - albeit with close supervision.

Commissioner Colonel Doctor Richard M. Briggs, M.D., also of the 5th district, gently criticized the location, the potential price tag and the timing.

"This is not the right place, the right price, or the right time" he said, his face full of compassion for his constituents. "You can't just spring something like the idea that there are people without homes on a home-full community and not expect to have a little disbelief."

Asked what the right place, time, and price would be, Briggs generously replied, "Well, obviously, you can't say exactly where or when or how much is the right time to think about a concept like this. But, equally obvious, the right place is someplace other than here, the right price is something other than the cost to our psyches and the right time is a long, long ways from now."

Ten-Year Plan Director Jon Lawler countered that West Knox Countians would have to "deal with the concept sooner rather than later because the plan followed the wishes of both County Commission and Knoxville City Council. They told us to spread the reality of homelessness throughout the community instead of concentrating the concept 'in the psyche of those at the urban core.'"

"But if gritty urban core psyches are already burdened with the concept, why are you trying to sear it into our unsullied brains?" protested Briggs, as empathetically as possible.

"What part of 'shared community responsibility' don't you get?" interjected an exasperated Commissioner Finbarr Saunders...

11/20

Library Patrons Feel Threatened by Books

Guns needed in libraries to protect from subversive ideas, claims "gun art" organization

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - After an incident in which a man claimed he needed a gun for protection against the radical ideas inside the books at its Fountain City branch, the Knox County Public Library system has posted signs proclaiming, "Books Won't Hurt You."

Such a sign has been posted for decades at the Lawson-McGhee Library in downtown Knoxville, but not at the 17 branch libraries, said Larry Frank, director of the library system. Frank wrote a memo to Knox County Law Director Bill Lockett about the harmless nature of books after a man came into the Fountain City library with a handgun claiming he needed it to defend his innocence from seduction by the alluring temptations of "book learnin'."

"Although the patron questioned the wisdom of keeping such fearful instruments as books right out in the open where anyone might be exposed to them, he did not do anything else that could be perceived as absurd," Frank wrote. "The situation did make members of my staff and other library patrons roll their eyes and say, 'Happiness is a warm book.'"

Lockett wrote back to Frank that any entity of local, state or federal government is "authorized to express incredulity at people so afraid of their environment that they even need guns to protect themselves from books - but it's still best to give due notice that books are harmless. Notice of the harmless nature of books shall be posted in prominent locations, and the notices should be spelled slowly for those with reading difficulties."

Chief Deputy Law Director Joe Jarret also said, "Tennessee law provides that a public library system may provide proper signage to alert citizens that documents won't hurt them. This is true whether a person can read or not. I recommend a sign that says, 'Books don't hurt people - People hurt people.' It's the sort of rhetoric they'll understand."

But Will Popakapeneu, spokesperson for the group, Gunners United in Artful Respect for and Defense of Depictions of an Oeuvre with Guns (GUARDDOG), which first came together to advocate for government-sanctioned gun-art installations in public places, says county officials are being naive.

He and a group of fellow GUARDDOG members gathered outside the Lawson-McGhee Library to decry the concentration of perilous thought in the tomes inside the building. Likening the library to an arsenal that might touch off a conflagration of subversive attitudes, Popakapeneu said library patrons have a God-given right to carry guns to protect themselves from frightening knowledge...

11/21

Commissioners May Ignore County Charter, State Finds

Pay no attention to that pesky charter," says state election coordinator

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - In an opinion issued Friday, state election coordinator Mark Goins said that, in regard to constitutional issues, Knox Countians would be better off consulting crystal balls, Ouija boards, Tarot cards, tea leaves or the entrails of dead animals rather than their own county charter. This interpretation paves the way for county commissioners to run for multiple seats simultaneously and to serve unlimited terms and gives explicit permission for county officials to thumb their noses at county residents and say "Nyah, nyah, nyah" to them.

Goins issued his opinion in response to a request from Knox County Administrator of Elections Greg Mackay to help the county get through just one election cycle without another constitutional challenge. Mackay asked for clarification in regard to the term-limits language in the Knox County Charter. The relevant language of the charter reads

...no person shall be eligible to serve in any elected office of Knox County if during the previous two terms of that office the person in question has served more than a single term.
(Knox County Charter 9.17.A)

Specifically, Mackay asked if "more than a single term" actually means "more than a single term." Goins cited a Magic 8-Ball message that read "My sources say 'no'" to interpret that the passage didn't actually mean what it said and thereby to discount partial terms in calculating term limits.

"Based on the Magic 8-Ball's message, clearly, 'more than a single term' does not mean 'more than a single term,' and, in fact, means something entirely different. Therefore, you should disregard that charter passage in its entirety when determining the eligibility of a candidate for County Commission to seek another term as a county commissioner or anything else that shakes his or her groove thing," explained Goins...

"Snark Bites" 11/08-14/09

11/09

Hopeless Politicians to Be Relocated to Nimbyville?

UT President's house also on list of possible sites for hopeless complex

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Objections to a possible apartment complex to house chronically hopeless politicians in West Knox County have already arisen, as hordes of West Knox Countians descended upon the Knox County Commission's Finance Committee yesterday to rattle their jewelry at the commissioners in protest of the plan. Residents of the urban core also attended to voice support for the project.

Commissioner Richard Briggs, whose 5th District includes the property targeted for the project at 125 Debusk Lane between Lovell Road and Pellissippi Parkway, articulated the West Knox County horde's concerns about the project. Briggs noted the project first got public attention Nov. 3 when it was presented to the Council of Owners of the West Knoxville Neighborhood Association's People Pleased with Insular Exclusivity, Synecdoche (COWKNAPPIES). He said that "more time is needed for us to absorb the shock and awe of the brazenness of the suggestion that a project like that with people like those might go in a place like this among people like us."

"There are three to four concerns people have," Briggs said. "First of all, they're paying a high price for this plan, over $500,000 for the lot, which makes it a pretty ritzy neighborhood, which is in keeping with West Knoxville, so that is OK. But it prompts us to ask - can hopeless politicians afford that? After their political careers dead-end, don't they go be sales people or teachers or other low-paying jobs? Also, this is right near a daycare center and a liquor store - and those aren't the kinds of places politicians are accustomed to hanging out. OK, well the liquor store, maybe. But really, in our part of town there's not a lot of social centers such as the courthouses or county-provided vehicles like they like to frequent. Surely they'd be happier someplace else."

Briggs said the commission should look at places "where they can get the most bang for the buck - because although you can get a lot of bang in West Knox County, it takes more bucks than most anywhere else in the county."

The proposal by the Mayors' Ten Year Plan to Fund Chronic Political Hopelessness would direct $500,000 to buy a small lot on Debusk Lane. The price of the land would be $500,000 or whatever the owner can get for it, whichever is more. The contract will go before commission Nov. 16.

The commission has urged Ten-Year Plan officials to locate hopeless politician facilities throughout Knox County in hopes of preparing for the overflow of hopeless politicians soon to be leaving office.

Said COWKNAPPIES member Marvin Marvin, "Who would spend that much money to house a few hopeless politicians? Nobody out here - That's what we pay for a small single-family housing lot. Now, we're not saying they can't build it here, because we believe property owners have an absolute right to build whatever they want on their property. We just thought the really high prices out here would keep anything we didn't like from being built. But look, we don't even have any sidewalks for them to be out on, begging for votes or whatever it is those sorts of people do..."

11/11

Lambert Announces 'Farewell to Outrage' Tour

But feisty commissioner will return after taking "soapbathable" to be tutored by State Rep. Campfield

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Amidst tears and some rejoicing, Knox County Commissioner Greg "Lumpy" Lambert announced his "Farewell to Outrage" tour, saying he would not seek a second term as the commission's designated scandal-generator. Both the tears and the rejoicing stemmed from Lambert's statement that this was not a final farewell tour - that he was merely taking an extended furlough to recoup his creative powers and prepare himself for even greater heights of outrage.

Speaking from the stage at the venerable Tennessee Theater, Lambert explained, "This isn't the final outrage, just the farewell outrage tour. What I've realized is, it's hard work to keep coming up with something new to regularly scandalize the community. I need some time off, so I'm taking a soapbathable to-"

"A what?" came a chorus of reporters' voices.

"A soapbathable," explained Lambert patiently. "It's something I understand a lot of great artists do - da Vinci, Archimedes, Douglas Adams, for instance. You take a break from the studies, draw a nice, warm, sudsy bath and soak in it for a while to re-energize yourself."

"Oh, a 'sabbatical,'" called the reporters chorus.

"Whatever," continued Lambert. "A soapbathable really gets the juices flowing. And to get my creative juices going even more, I'm going to be studying under a man I'd like to bring on stage right now, my close friend and advisor, Stacey 'The Mask' Campfield!"

Straight from his triumphant star turn as "The Mask" at the UT-South Carolina game on Halloween night, State Rep. Campfield, adorned in his Mexican wrestler "Luchador" mask, yellow two-piece suit, suspenders and a tie, slid from the wings proclaiming, "Sssss-smokin'!"

"C'mon over here and meet 'n' greet the people, Rep," invited Lambert, congenially.

"Ingreda Peebles? I don't believe I've had the pleasure of the lady," parried Campfield, striding herky-jerky about the stage...

11/13

200 Voice Opposition to Housing Vols in West Knox

"They need to stay on their football field where they belong," say opponents of plan to socialize football players

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Coming on the heels of yet another lawless incident involving members of the University of Tennessee Volunteers football team, more than 200 people crowded into a West Knox County senior center Thursday night to express opposition to a proposed apartment complex intended to help university athletes integrate themselves into society.

Members of the group Really Opposed Citizens of Knox to Youths Training to Operate Productively in Society (ROCKYTOPS) attended the public hearing, held by the county, to express their criticism, concern and disdain for the plan to build the apartments on Debusk Lane between Lovell Road and Pellissippi Parkway. Among the worries were fears children at a nearby daycare center would be challenged to pick-up games of touch football, that the lack of athletic training facilities near the site would tempt the players to play in the street, and the dearth of player-favored Pilot convenience stores nearby.

The plan is being proposed by the Mayors' Decades-Running and Ongoing Plan to Kick Investments from Citizens of Knox into "Volunteers'" Opulent Lifestyles, Seriously (DROPKICKVOLS). Funding for the project is on Monday's Knox County Commission agenda.

Commissioner Mike Hammond, who represents the area and attended the meeting at the Frank Strang Senior Center, drew loud applause when he promised he will ask for a timeout and for officials to give personal foul and delay of game penalties to the football players arrested earlier in the day.

Hammond's promise addressed one complaint by many at the hearing - that the county is trying to rush the project through the goalposts without enough public input.

"Why can't we have a time out?" ROCKYTOPSer Monty Mossback asked. "You're not going to change our minds about this game plan because we don't like it."

Commissioner Colonel Doctor Richard M. Briggs, M.D., who also represents the area, said he opposes any more penalties or timeouts and wants the game over with.

"I'm going to line up and stop this play whatever they run," he said. "The fans here don't want it. Those people should stay on their football field where they belong and not on our streets where they don't belong. They could be a danger to the lifestyle to which the people here have become accustomed - which is to say, one where these people here don't have to see those people there..."

"Snark Bites" 11/01-07/09

11/02

Last Chance Not to Vote in City Elections

Citizens indifferent to representative government look forward to not voting Tuesday

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - The largest turnover on Knoxville City Council in 8 years will be decided by the few rather than the many Tuesday - and that's exactly how citizens here like it, according to spokespersons for a group claiming to represent Knoxville's "silent, indifferent majority."

"Battlin'" Bill Brownlow-Barnstormer, of West Knoxville's Riversound area and President of Knoxvillians Not Interested in Government Heeding Their Suffrage or Working to Help Oversee Services Aimed for Your Neighborhood, Incorporated (KNIGHTSWHOSAYNI), says not voting for city council representatives is Knoxvillians' most fundamental right and duty.

"Not voting in city council elections is the absolute bedrock right of every Knoxvillian, and one of the things that makes Knoxville such a great community," explained Brownlow-Barnstormer. "Being apathetic to another election of so-called leaders who will shape policy affecting all aspects of our community doesn't mean we don't care about who runs Knoxville - we do. It's just that we trust a few power-brokers to run the city more than we trust ourselves to elect someone to do it."

Brownlow-Barnstormer's sentiment is one that KNIGHTSWHOSAYNI Secretary Hosmer Windibank-Mabry shares.

"I think it's wonderful that we have one last chance not to vote for city council," said Windibank-Mabry, of Island Home. "It's a rare city that offers you multiple opportunities to pass up the chance to exercise your suffrage - early voting, absentee voting, or voting on election day - comfortable in the sincere knowledge that you don't care who represents you on city council. Just letting the powers behind the scenes run things is a rare, rare privilege - and I, for one, enjoy exercising it. We are duty-bound not to vote..."

11/04

Knoxville, Knox County May Recall Voters

Faced with disappointing election turnouts, government officials ponder voter improvements

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Faced with distressingly diminishing election returns, leaders in Knoxville and Knox County are considering a number of options to improve both the quantity and quality of local voters. The proposals include recalling the suffrage from voters who fail to exercise their franchise in 4 or more consecutive local elections, revoking the registration cards of indolent voters, extending the franchise to groups seen as more engaged in the civic process and instituting a voter draft, among many others.

At a hastily called summit meeting between city and county leaders, representatives tossed out a variety of ideas for consideration.

"Something must be done," said City Council Member Rob Frost. "A firm stance needs to be taken that there are limits to the degree of indifference the body politic can take from the voters that stand as its head - or do the voters stand as the feet of the political body? - Anyway, if people don't vote in a defined number of consecutive local elections, say 4, their franchises would be recalled."

"What would we do with the recalled franchises?" asked Council Member Barbara Pelot.

"Repossess 'em," suggested County Commissioner Paul Pinkston. "Strip 'em down and resell 'em for parts."

"Maybe we could just revoke their voter registration cards if they haven't used them for a while and make them go through a civics class to reclaim them," suggested Council Member Joe Hultquist. "I hate to deprive anyone of the franchise entirely."

"I agree," said Knox County Elections Administrator Greg Mackay. "I'd rather use the carrot than the stick to get out the vote, because you attract more flies with carrots than you do with sticks."

"Depends on what the stick's been poked in," drawled Pinkston...

11/07

'Black Jersey Day' Proclaimed Local Holiday

Homecoming designated as new holiday to commemorate Vols' non-losing record; fans go wild

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - As frenzied fans thronged the Strip, packed bars, and poured into retail outlets to purchase any and all black- and orange-colored merchandise in sight, on Saturday, the University of Tennessee's annual homecoming game day was designated "Black Jersey Day" to commemorate the Vols' re-attaining a non-losing record. The Vols' record currently stands at 4-4; the team has previously been 1-0, 2-2, and 3-3 this season. Volunteer Head Coach Lane Kiffin and officials from UT, Knoxville and Knox County were on hand to mark the occasion.

Speaking at Neyland Stadium before a crowd estimated in the hundreds of thousands, UT Athletic Director Mike Hamilton noted that, in addition to marking the Vols' achievement of a non-losing record for the fourth time this season, "Black Jersey Day" offered the possibility of the Vols attaining other milestones.

"Besides reaching a .500 or better record for the fourth time this season, tonight's homecoming game with Memphis provides the opportunity to have a winning streak for the first time since the first week of the season," cried Hamilton. "Is that just magnificent?"

With that announcement, the crowd roared its approval of the Vols' return to greatness.

"Even better, this game offers the possibility of having a winning record for the first time since Week One of ther 2009," proclaimed Hamilton. "Isn't that simply stupendous?"

At that, the crowd, cheering madly, rushed onto the field.

"And none of these milestones would be in sight if it weren't for Head Coach Lane Kiffin and his black jerseys!" trumpeted Hamilton, as the crowd surged past him and tore down the goalposts. "Isn't it almost inconceivable?"

"Kiffin's a wizard, a magician!" called one fan.

"This is better than reaching the SEC Championship Game two years ago!" cried another.

This is better than winning the national title in '98!" yelled another.

"Lane Kiffin will take us to national titles in 2010, 2011 and 2012!" cried another.

"Lane Kiffin is bigger than Jesus right now!" screamed a single fan whom the crowd immediately tore apart like a tear-away jersey.

"If we go to a bowl game this season, I'll name my first-born child after him!" shrieked yet another fan.

"Well, I'll rename all my children after him if we end up with a winning record!" countered another.

"Is that so? Well, big guy, I'll change my name to 'Lane Kiffin' if we end the season with a non-losing record! What do you say to that?" retorted the first.

"I say I'll change mine to Layla Kiffin!" spat the second.

"Oh yeah? Then try changing your teeth!" said the first, smacking the other across the face. Soon, the swarming mass of fans had descended into a general melee...

"Snark Bites" 10/25-31/09

10/30

DeFreese Demands Freedom from Health

"Keep your hands off my germs!" says feisty former commission appointee

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Citing the right to "life, liberty and the pursuit of illness," former Knox County Commissioner Victoria DeFreese is lobbying commissioners to stop spending $1.4 million in federal dollars to keep citizens healthy through flu vaccinations.

The funding was approved Monday on the consent agenda by County Commission.

"The government has no right to tell us what viruses and bacteria we can have in our bodies," said DeFreese. "The Constitution gives us the right to keep and bear germs. Beware of presidents declaring so-called 'national health emergencies' - it's an excuse to confiscate our germs."

DeFreese, seeking election in 2010 to the commission's South Knox County 9th District on a platform of "Health-Care Free," sent an e-mail message touting the glories of illness to county commissioners and others. The email included links to the Web sites of the characters Pig-Pen and Moonbeam McSwine from the cartoons "Peanuts" and Li'l Abner," respectively. One commissioner said the linked Web sites were "radical opinion" venues.

"My concern is that a lot of money is going into H1N1 preparedness," DeFreese said. "It would appear to me that some pharmaceutical company is trying to make money capitalistically by selling this vaccine. They should be doing it socialistically and giving it away for free, so I can remain consistent in my views - because I really want to support capitalism, but I'm having a hard time getting behind buying this anti-virus stuff."

DeFreese also noted that unhealthy lifestyles were "under attack by a government bent on controlling every aspect of our health - right down to how often we trim our toenails."

"They already tax liquor and tobacco products and declare other things that are bad for you illegal, and they've already banned smoking everywhere," she said. "Where does it end?"

DeFreese then articulated her fear of how the future would unfold.

"Now, they're talking about taxing sodas and other sweet stuff that's bad for you," she said. "How long before there's an outright ban on yummy goodness? Next, it'll be red meat and salty snacks. And then they'll come for your germs. Pretty soon, they'll be taxing your germs and banning you from carrying them into public buildings. In the near future, they'll set up health-check booths and warn you that if you have contraband germs on you, your germs will be confiscated and you'll be arrested and quarantined in the prison hospital. That is the future. So, we must fight the future. We must declare all-out germ warfare. They'll take my germs over my dead body..."

10/27

County Officials May Get 'GYPS' Systems

Proposed devices would use shocks, earworms to thwart tempted politicians

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - A proposal approved Monday by Knox County Commission could lead to key county politicians having GYPS (Governmental Yearnings for Perfidy Shield) units installed to cut down on officeholders being tantalized by temptation. This latest proposal would replace a previous recommendation to have GPS systems installed on county officials.

According to the GYPS creator, Dr. Hanz De Puhlin-Lehger, the experimental device works on the same principle as an electric dog collar, only the GYPS unit delivers a shock whenever a politician begins to act on a yearning to succumb to temptation. Puhlin-Lehger says the GYPS system is still undergoing testing.

"South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford was the first trial subject for the GYPS," Puhlin-Lehger explained. "Sanford may have been an unwise choice, because his temptations are such a driving force that his nervous system was receiving shocks virtually 24 hours a day - which may explain why he thought he was hiking the Appalachian Trail when he disappeared some months ago."

Puhlin-Lehger did, however, note that the experiment taught his design team that the GYPS' shock voltage regulator could be set much higher because "the political nervous system seems in many ways geared to thrive on shocks, as if politicians' backbones were essentially giant shock absorbers."

Commissioners debated the relative merits of the GYPS system with little discernible headway.

"I think it's important to look at savings," said Commissioner Mike Hammond, who initially proposed the GPS system and then abandoned it in favor of the GYPS. "With the GPS, we could track our movements, but we couldn't really stop ourselves if we were tempted to use vehicles for non-county business. If we receive shocks every time we get into a county vehicle, then we may not drive so much, thereby saving money. Plus, citizens may get a kick out of knowing we'll receive a jolt every time we get into a county car. We owe it to the taxpayers to do this in a way that's both efficient and entertaining."

The commission approved issuing a "request for sucking up" to get an idea of the costs of installing GYPS systems in certain politicians. A request for sucking up gets data from companies on the costs for services they provide and a feel for what extras and perks they offer, but it's not a formal bid for the contract, said John Troyer, chief finance director. "The contract's when we really squeeze 'em for freebies," he added.

Hugh Holt, deputy finance director, said it would cost between $367 to $4,367,000 per month to monitor the 101 officials under consideration for the units. Holt said it would cost between $4.48 to $500,165 to install a GYPS system.

Puhlin-Lehger said the wide variance in potential cost was because the GYPS system is still being finalized.

"Plus, we are still experimenting with special features," he said. "For example, the aural-torment cognitive-dissonance temptation dissuader, which blasts Cher's gut-wrenching '70s hit, 'Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves' directly into the eardrums of GYPS-outfitted politicians the moment they succumb to temptation - is available for only $749,999.99. For an even million, we'll upgrade to her head-splitting '90s hit, 'Do You Believe in Love.'"

"Zoiks," said Commissioner Paul Pinkston. "It's quite a fee to GYP ourselves. Couldn't we just slap one another and give each other an earworm like 'I'm Too Sexy' and call it even?"...

10/25

County Commission Costume Gala Tomorrow

County and city officials will mark monthly meeting with Halloween get-ups

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - An unusual item has been slipped on to the Knox County Commission's meeting agenda for tomorrow - a Halloween costume party. Initially, commission had intended to recognize former longtime Knoxville City Mayor Victor Ashe, who recently returned from political exile in Poland, during the meeting.

However, Ashe announced that, in observance of Halloween, he would be attending the meeting in the guise of "The Ghost of Governments Past" - which led to an immediate notice from former Knox County Sheriff Tim Hutchison that he would attend the meeting as "The Ghost of Governments Future." Soon, other officials got into the act.

State Senator Tim Burchett, who is running for Knox County Mayor - possibly against Hutchison - couldn't resist appearing once he learned that Hutchison would be there. Burchett stated that he would attend the meeting as a vanilla ice cream cone, "because even people who say they don't like vanilla will take vanilla if that's their only choice."

After learning of Hutchison's costume, Sheriff Jimmy "J.J." "Good Times" Jones said he would be attending as an island, signifying his stance "as his own man, independent of all, beholden to none." Jones's county charter watchdog in Nashville, Chad Faulkner, a Knox County Sheriff's deputy and state representative for Campbell and Union Counties, will be accompanying Jones in the guise of the Knox County Charter Termlimitator.

Current Knoxville City Mayor Bill Haslam will attend as the "marathon man" from the 1976 movie of the same name, a costume Haslam's camp says reflects his intentions to "go the distance in the Tennessee governor's race - and has nothing to do with Marathon Oil."

When informed that the '76 Dustin Hoffman thriller only tangentially deals with running marathons and has more to do with Nazi war criminals, stolen diamonds, and teeth-drilling torture, Bill Lyons, Knoxville's Senior Director of Explicating Finely Nuanced Political Gaffes, said, "Mayor Haslam, of course, is very familiar with Mr. Hoffman's work in general and Marathon Man in particular. In this instance, Mayor Haslam felt that the title 'Marathon Man' communicates a pleasing visceral sense of endurance and motion, whatever the movie's graphic and provocative nature. Plus, it's too late to get our deposit back on the sweat suit costume."

Embattled Knox County Law Director Bill Lockett and besieged Knox County School Board Member Bill Phillips both announced they would come as philosophy's "immovable object." When each learned of the other's intentions, both sent notice they expected the other to yield and select a different costume. So far, neither has budged...

"Snark Bites" 10/18-24/09

10/23

TVA to Build 'Magic Mountain' from Coal Ash

"Mount Ashmore" to be agency's answer to Mount Rushmore

From APB reports. KINGSTON - As the first anniversary of TVA's coal ash spill disaster looms like angry storm clouds hanging over placid seas, the agency is building a coal-ash "Magic Mountain" tourist attraction that will loom over the surrounding countryside.

"We're trying to do something positive with this disaster," explained TVA President and CEO Kilmore Trout. "Some people look at a calamity and see havoc, misery, grief and woe. We look at this debacle and see an opportunity. We're taking one supremely devastating environmental and human catastrophe and making it a fun-filled multi-attraction theme park the entire family will enjoy: Six Floods Over Swan Pond."

Although it was only one flood resulting from the failure of a TVA coal-ash retention pond that destroyed the Swan Pond community, Trout explained that the "six floods" in the title was "hyperbole intended to build upon the alliterative possibilities offered by the title."

Trout confirmed that the towering centerpiece of the attraction, Mount Ashmore, would have portraits carved in relief on the coal-ash mountain's face. "My face will be up there, overlooking the residents of Roane County like some benevolent titan," said Trout. "We haven't decided which others to honor yet, but Bill Baxter and Franklin Delano Roosevelt are definitely top contenders. We want to share the bla- er, glory, with a motley assemblage of the leaders who brought us to where this agency is today."

That doesn't sit well with some Roane County residents on several fronts, they said Thursday.

"TVA didn't tell the county of its tourist-attraction plans," said leading citizen Fermin Birdenhand. "This massive thingy will create more traffic woes and draw more gawkers to something that I wish would go away - or that TVA would give us more money for."

Birdenhand said he and others learned of the project secondhand, from a citizen who spoke to a friend of his wife who knew a worker at TVA's Kingston Fossil Plant who overheard a security guard receiving instructions from a TVA Media Communications Clarification Specialist.

"That's what really sticks my crawfish in boiling water - the lack of communication or lack of compensation thereof for," Birdenhand said. "TVA doesn't communicate or compensate very well."

On the contrary, said TVA Message Massage Therapist Jackie Stonewall, such circular message-conveyance is the standard chain of communication at TVA.

"We always want our messages to go through as many levels as possible to ensure that all aspects of communiqué clarity have been considered," she said. "We want what we say to be as clarified as butter. It's standard operating practice that increases transparency at every level of TVA, from the highest director to the lowest pond-scum skimmer..."

10/21

TVA Held "Practice" Accidental Ash Release Before Actual Accidental Release

"We've got to practice these accidents to be sure we get them right," says TVA CEO

From APB reports. KINGSTON - Eight days before the Sept. 18 release of airborne ash during a test burn at TVA's Kingston Fossil Plant, a similar but smaller "practice" fallout occurred, a report released Tuesday by the federal agency said.

According to the report, while TVA was investigating the Sept. 18 event, it discovered that its plant had released materials on Sept. 10, a discovery at which TVA's management is shocked, shocked they tell us. Some flakes of material were found on an employee's car in the parking lot of the Kingston plant. Investigators immediately theorized that the employee had climbed into the smokestack and manually scraped the flakes from it, because they didn't want to think about more likely possibilities.

However, under close questioning, the employee insisted that the ash had gotten onto the car by "some crazy accident." At that point, TVA concluded that the release was a "practice" accident, but noted that the incident was not reported to TVA management and that it was entirely harmless, too.

"We appreciate the zealousness of our employees, who want us to be ready for accidental releases of all sorts, but we sure wish someone had told us about this, because we like management to be in the loop on our accidental practice releases - and all the other ones too," said TVA President and CEO Kilmore Trout.

TVA initiated the root-cause study of the Sept. 18 event at the direction of the Tennessee Verification of Answers Unit of the Department for Ignoring the Validity of Occam's Razor when Considering Explanations Contrary to Earlier Ones (TVAUDIVORCECEO).

"We will study the study - and likely that will be the last of it, because it's TVA - with TVA, what else can you do but study the studies?" said TVAUDIVORCECEO spokeswoman Trisha Flying-Trapeze. "It's not like we can fine them or anything..."

10/18

In Memoriam: Recalling Bill Phillips's Political Career

Mourners to hold wake for school board member's political aspirations

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - In the wake of yet another forgery accusation, observers have decided to declare Bill Phillips's political career dead and go ahead with a wake for it. The embattled school board member had previously pleaded guilty to misdemeanor assault, for which he was censured by the school board. He recently admitted to forging names on his campaign documents.

Despite pundits' plans to proceed with the wake, the spirit of Phillips's career protested that it still had life in it. "I'm not dead yet," it cried. "I haven't given up the ghost."

Former County Commissioner Jack Huddleston said mourners are already collecting signatures for a petition declaring Phillips's career deceased. Huddleston also said to pay no attention to the protests emanating from Phillips's career

"A political corpse is a lot like a chicken with its head cut off," said Huddleston. "It takes a while for the reality to sink in. But it'll stop running soon enough."

Huddleston also said that the mourners would try to verify the truth of a rumor that Phillips's political career was seeking a reinstatement of its gun-carry permit, and if true, would oppose it.

"A dead political career has no business carrying a gun loaded with live ammo," he said. "That's a lethal combination."

Other mourners recalled some of their favorite Bill Phillips quotes, including the following...