"Snark Bites" 10/18-24/09

10/23

TVA to Build 'Magic Mountain' from Coal Ash

"Mount Ashmore" to be agency's answer to Mount Rushmore

From APB reports. KINGSTON - As the first anniversary of TVA's coal ash spill disaster looms like angry storm clouds hanging over placid seas, the agency is building a coal-ash "Magic Mountain" tourist attraction that will loom over the surrounding countryside.

"We're trying to do something positive with this disaster," explained TVA President and CEO Kilmore Trout. "Some people look at a calamity and see havoc, misery, grief and woe. We look at this debacle and see an opportunity. We're taking one supremely devastating environmental and human catastrophe and making it a fun-filled multi-attraction theme park the entire family will enjoy: Six Floods Over Swan Pond."

Although it was only one flood resulting from the failure of a TVA coal-ash retention pond that destroyed the Swan Pond community, Trout explained that the "six floods" in the title was "hyperbole intended to build upon the alliterative possibilities offered by the title."

Trout confirmed that the towering centerpiece of the attraction, Mount Ashmore, would have portraits carved in relief on the coal-ash mountain's face. "My face will be up there, overlooking the residents of Roane County like some benevolent titan," said Trout. "We haven't decided which others to honor yet, but Bill Baxter and Franklin Delano Roosevelt are definitely top contenders. We want to share the bla- er, glory, with a motley assemblage of the leaders who brought us to where this agency is today."

That doesn't sit well with some Roane County residents on several fronts, they said Thursday.

"TVA didn't tell the county of its tourist-attraction plans," said leading citizen Fermin Birdenhand. "This massive thingy will create more traffic woes and draw more gawkers to something that I wish would go away - or that TVA would give us more money for."

Birdenhand said he and others learned of the project secondhand, from a citizen who spoke to a friend of his wife who knew a worker at TVA's Kingston Fossil Plant who overheard a security guard receiving instructions from a TVA Media Communications Clarification Specialist.

"That's what really sticks my crawfish in boiling water - the lack of communication or lack of compensation thereof for," Birdenhand said. "TVA doesn't communicate or compensate very well."

On the contrary, said TVA Message Massage Therapist Jackie Stonewall, such circular message-conveyance is the standard chain of communication at TVA.

"We always want our messages to go through as many levels as possible to ensure that all aspects of communiqué clarity have been considered," she said. "We want what we say to be as clarified as butter. It's standard operating practice that increases transparency at every level of TVA, from the highest director to the lowest pond-scum skimmer..."

10/21

TVA Held "Practice" Accidental Ash Release Before Actual Accidental Release

"We've got to practice these accidents to be sure we get them right," says TVA CEO

From APB reports. KINGSTON - Eight days before the Sept. 18 release of airborne ash during a test burn at TVA's Kingston Fossil Plant, a similar but smaller "practice" fallout occurred, a report released Tuesday by the federal agency said.

According to the report, while TVA was investigating the Sept. 18 event, it discovered that its plant had released materials on Sept. 10, a discovery at which TVA's management is shocked, shocked they tell us. Some flakes of material were found on an employee's car in the parking lot of the Kingston plant. Investigators immediately theorized that the employee had climbed into the smokestack and manually scraped the flakes from it, because they didn't want to think about more likely possibilities.

However, under close questioning, the employee insisted that the ash had gotten onto the car by "some crazy accident." At that point, TVA concluded that the release was a "practice" accident, but noted that the incident was not reported to TVA management and that it was entirely harmless, too.

"We appreciate the zealousness of our employees, who want us to be ready for accidental releases of all sorts, but we sure wish someone had told us about this, because we like management to be in the loop on our accidental practice releases - and all the other ones too," said TVA President and CEO Kilmore Trout.

TVA initiated the root-cause study of the Sept. 18 event at the direction of the Tennessee Verification of Answers Unit of the Department for Ignoring the Validity of Occam's Razor when Considering Explanations Contrary to Earlier Ones (TVAUDIVORCECEO).

"We will study the study - and likely that will be the last of it, because it's TVA - with TVA, what else can you do but study the studies?" said TVAUDIVORCECEO spokeswoman Trisha Flying-Trapeze. "It's not like we can fine them or anything..."

10/18

In Memoriam: Recalling Bill Phillips's Political Career

Mourners to hold wake for school board member's political aspirations

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - In the wake of yet another forgery accusation, observers have decided to declare Bill Phillips's political career dead and go ahead with a wake for it. The embattled school board member had previously pleaded guilty to misdemeanor assault, for which he was censured by the school board. He recently admitted to forging names on his campaign documents.

Despite pundits' plans to proceed with the wake, the spirit of Phillips's career protested that it still had life in it. "I'm not dead yet," it cried. "I haven't given up the ghost."

Former County Commissioner Jack Huddleston said mourners are already collecting signatures for a petition declaring Phillips's career deceased. Huddleston also said to pay no attention to the protests emanating from Phillips's career

"A political corpse is a lot like a chicken with its head cut off," said Huddleston. "It takes a while for the reality to sink in. But it'll stop running soon enough."

Huddleston also said that the mourners would try to verify the truth of a rumor that Phillips's political career was seeking a reinstatement of its gun-carry permit, and if true, would oppose it.

"A dead political career has no business carrying a gun loaded with live ammo," he said. "That's a lethal combination."

Other mourners recalled some of their favorite Bill Phillips quotes, including the following...

"Snark Bites" 10/11-17/09

10/17

Ballard to 'Defriend' Sisk on Facebook

Growing "dissing" contest between respective offices feared

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - In an escalating dissing match between the Knox County Property Assessor's Office and the Knox County Trustee's Office, Property Assessor Philly Ballard announced he would 'defriend' Trustee Freddie Sisk on the popular Internet social media exchange, Facebook.

"Freddiez mean 2 me. He dissed me. We R not BFF no more," Twittered Ballard in a prepared tweet. "All my peepsz defriending him N all his meanies. BFN."

At issue is a statement Sisk posted on his own Facebook page, saying that Ballard wished to receive friend requests from all Knox County property owners. The request promised that "I, Philly Cheesesteak, will allow respondents to appraise the living daylights out of my personal property" if they were unhappy with their own property assessments from earlier in the year.

The property assessor's Facebook page has since been deluged with friend requests from county property owners, many of whom expressed the desire to "appraise the H-E-double toothpicks out of the property assessor." The trouble is, according to Ballard, Sisk's promise is false. Understandably, Ballard is miffed.

"U cant appraise h*ll out of my props coz u dont like yrz," Ballard texted. "Freddiez mad bcoz of fire zone..."

10/14

Knox County to Host the 'Running of the Tims'

People for the Ethical Treatment of Tims, Associated (PETTA) expected to protest

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Knox County appears to be slated to host the famous "Running of the Tims," but an organization against mistreatment of people named Tim say they will protest the pageant. The Running of the Tims is a popularity contest that pits Tims against one another and winds up with a run through a closed-off area of a city while drunken throngs cheer and jeer. Knox County's version would run State Senator Tim Burchett (R-I'm Still from Around Here) against former Knox County Sheriff Tim Hutchison (R-I Never Left).

Neither local Tim would admit to feeling mistreated or exploited.

"Exploited? Nah," protested Burchett. "I've raised $100,000 so far to participate in this 'exploitation.' If raising $100,000 for my campaign equals exploitation, just keep on exploiting me some more."

Hutchison declined to admit to anything.

Ray Jenkins, Knox County Republican Party chairman, said his party now has an "embarrassment of riches." Local political observers agreed with the "embarrassment" assessment.

"We've got candidates, and we will be selecting the new mayor in our 'Running of the Tims' without question," Jenkins said. "I think it will be quite a lively race. That's because of the physical stamina of these candidates. They're going to be like bulls charging a red flag out there. May the best Tim win."

However, local activist Tim Timothy, organizer of the group People for the Ethical Treatment of Tims, Associated (PETTA), says no Tims ever win a race like this.

"When I was a kid, they ran then child-actor Timothy Hutton against baseball player Tim McCarver in Philadelphia," explained Timothy. "My family went for it. Hutton thought all these people were cheering for him, and I thought they were all cheering for me."

Timothy then recalled how the tableau took an ugly turn.

"When some spectators around me heard that my name was 'Tim Timothy,' they started singing 'Tim Timothy, Tim Timothy, Tim-Tim-Tuh-ree' and then they laughed at me," he related. "I was hurt and confused. It wasn't until later that I understood they weren't interested in Hutton or me as people - it was all about the spectacle of the run itself. I think that messed him up worse than winning the Oscar so early in his career. It messed me up pretty good too - the confusion over the cheering and the singing and the laughing, not him winning the Oscar. That's why I started PETTA - me being messed up from being involved in the Running of the Tims, not him winning the Oscar..."

10/12

County Commissioner Cage Match Mars Holiday

Smith-vs.-Carringer grumble-bumble rumble spoils county's Columbo Day celebration

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Today, Knox County Mayor Mike Ragsdale marked with a speech the occasion of the discovery of the "reverse whodunit," as the Knights of Columbo, dressed in their traditional trench coats and cheap cigars, led the annual Columbo Day parade. However, vicious in-fighting between a pair of 7th district Knox County Commissioners - mixing it up worse than Jon and Kate Gosselin on a bad day - temporarily halted the festivities and threatened to disrupt the event entirely.

Many counties celebrate the anniversary of the beloved fictional detective Lieutenant Columbo's formulation of the reverse whodunit, in which the murderer is known to the audience, but the mystery revolves around the minute means by which the rumpled detective snares the clever culprit. The day is celebrated as Columbo Day in Knox County and elsewhere, as Day O' Da Raincoat in many counties in the Northeast, as Fiesta la Resurgimiento de la Policía Procedurali (Occasion of the "Police Procedural" Concept Being Put on Life-Support) on the West Coast, and as Giorno di Resistenza Arresto (Day of the Villain Getting His Comeuppance) on the set of "Law & Order." These holidays have been celebrated unofficially since the late 1960s, and officially in various counties since the later 20th century.

As Mayor Ragsdale was set to conclude his speech with the customary "Oh, just one more thing-" catchphrase, signaling to the milling Columbos to start the parade, Commissioners "Our" Larry Smith and Michele "Derringer" Carringer tumbled onto the stage.

"You promised! You promised not to run against me in 2010, you two-timing, deal-breaking hussy! You lied!" Smith sharply criticized Carringer, viciously pulling her hair as well.

Although when appointed to replace ousted Commissioner Scott "Scoobie" Moore last January, she promised to be a "caretaker," not a "deal-breaker," for the 7th District Knox County Commission seat B, Carringer has announced her candidacy for the seat in 2010.

"Ah, baloney!" responded Carringer to Smith while trying to land a hammerlock on his bristling moustache. "When I promised to be a caretaker, I only meant that I'd serve until Moore won his appeal and got his seat back - like that's going to happen. But if he did, I'd gladly surrender his seat - and run for yours..."

"Snark Bites" 10/4-10/09

10/09

Scripps to Launch 'Knox County's Cooking' Channel

Popularity of county government antics, eating, cited in rebranding of "Fine Living" network

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Scripps Networks Interactive is shutting down its Fine Living Network and will relaunch it as the "Knox County's Cooking" Channel to capitalize on the increasing notoriety of the county's government and the ongoing popularity of food-based living.

"This rebranding gives us an opportunity to reach success much faster because of the greater interest in the food-eating category and the laughing-at-county-government category than the broader, harder-to-define living-fine category," said Cindy McConkey, senior vice president of corporate communications for Knoxville-based Scripps Networks Interactive. "It's not that Fine Living failed; it's just that it didn't succeed. But combining Knox County government with the cooking of food and the consumption of it provides the opportunity for exponential growth."

McConkey explained that Fine Living has been Scripps' most challenging network, because many people frankly resent a whole network devoted to the high life while they're having to save up to afford the combo meal at Long John Silver's - and that is with the coupon. The only shows that were successful on Fine Living dealt with cooking food and eating it.

"Knox County's Cooking" will be a 24-hour network with programming focusing on instructional cooking, Knox County government hijinks, popular local dishes and game shows that mix cooking and local politics. Some of the programs that have already been announced include:

"Cooking the Books" - Various county government officials will offer "under-the-table" tips on how to stretch your food dollar

"Riding the Lumpy Gravy Train" - Knox County's favorite gastrophile commissioner, Greg "Lumpy" Lambert, dishes on his secrets for picking up perks in Knox County's favorite political dining spots

"Your Goose Is Cooked" - County representatives facing possible ouster for ethical or criminal violations present their choices for their last meals on the county's dime

"Curry Favors" - County officials spice up the lives of regular families by calling in political favors to solve problems for them - all during the course of an authentic Indian meal

"Thirty Minute Deals" - Officials offer insider tips for trading food for votes; hosted by former County Commissioner Scott "Scoobie" Moore

"Rotten Tomatoes, Bad Eggs and One Bad Apple" - From clues in the names of dishes, contestants try to guess that week's Knox-area celebrity political has-been

"Quiche My Grits" - Each week, county officials share their recipes for fusion dishes combining traditional Old South staples with haute cuisine while displaying the sass that won them office...

10/08

County Officials Vow to Use Fewer Annoying Words

Promises not to use "whatever," "totally" aimed at bolstering relations with constituencies

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - On the heels of a national poll revealing that "whatever" is the most-despised term in the United States, Knox County officials today vowed not to use it and other grating words.

At a hastily assembled press conference, Knox County Commissioners and Mayor Mike Ragsdale laid out a strategy for using fewer annoying words and phrases to engender good will among citizens.

"Whatever we can do to make voters more comfortable - wait, I just said it, didn't I?" Ragsdale began. "Well, ah, look, it's like, if it will make people happier if county employees don't use 'whatever,' then we'll do whatever it takes ... oh no, er, ah, OK, let me start over...Whatever the people want - oops, I did it again ..."

Chief Mayoral Spokesperson Dwight Van de Vate then explained to Ragsdale that it wasn't the word 'whatever,' but rather the context in which it was used that bothered listeners.

"It's OK to say 'Whatever we can do to help,' chief," counseled Van de Vate. "People just don't like the word used as a one-word retort of indifference or apathy intended to shut down discourse."

"Really? Fine, OK, whatever," muttered Ragsdale.

"Of course, I'm so erudite, I would seldom resort to such distressingly banal idioms, anyway," Van de Vate continued, almost as if to himself. "I mean, like, you know?"

The poll, by the Mirth Institute for Pretend Opinions and Lotsa Laughs (MIPOLL), further found that "you know," "it is what it is," and "at the end of the day" were most despised by the American public.

Knox County Commission Chair Thomas "Tank" Strickland agreed that commission should heed the poll and eschew the disliked terms. However, he warned that certain steps would have to be taken before commission could do so.

Said Strickland, "Before we can stop using 'whatever,' 'you know,' 'it is what it is,' and 'at the end of the day,' commission will need to first study the issue, hold a workshop on it, subject it to public inquiry, bring it up in committee, make a motion to frame it as a resolution, table it, take it up again, vote, send it to commission, ask to place it on the agenda, bring it up as an resolution, deliberate, debate, discuss, palaver, argue and parlay it, table it, recall it, table it, floor it and deck it, make a new motion and then, at the end of the day, try to remember what we were talking about in the first place..."

10/06

Recall Group Recalls Recall Effort

Calls for recalling recall amendment instead

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Calling the price to remove government incompetence too high to ask taxpayers to pay, a group trying to recall Knox County Law Director Bill Lockett says it will instead work to recall the recall amendment that was supposed to allow citizens to remove elected officials from office. If that effort fails, group leaders say, then it may be time to recall all of Knox County.

"We're recalling the Lockett recall to focus on recalling the recall amendment because county officials informed us that the Lockett recall effort will likely fail unless the recall amendment is recalled and revised, after which we will re-recall the recalling of Bill Lockett," said Gil Ulable. Ulable is one of the leaders of the group, Citizens for Recalling All Officials in Knox County, However, Our Intent to Recall Ran Afoul of Government Ineptitude, Nullifying the Goal, which is trying to get Lockett removed from office.

"CROAKCHOIRRAGING? Is that actually your group's acronym? How in the world did you come up with that? Seriously, who calls themselves CROAKCHOIRRAGING?" asked a reporter.

"Look, bizarre acronyms are the least of the problems you're going to face when you deal with government incompetence of the magnitude that we have in Knox County," said a visibly embarrassed Ulable. "It's not our fault we got saddled with trying to recall Bill Lockett, only to find the recall amendment language - which was approved by the Knox County government officials - was flawed, which means we now have to try to recall the recall amendment itself. You know, we trusted elected government officials to advise us on how to remove elected government officials. Do we feel really stupid now? Why yes, yes, we do."

The problems with the recall amendment, says Knox County Recollections Administrator Greg Mackay, are manifold. Among its provisions, it -

- Calls for those desiring a recall to create a petition that includes "eye of Newt, tooth of Hillary, girth of Rush, tongue of Barack, peck of Beck and smidgen of Biden";

- Requires that the recall organizers then "jump down, turn around and do the hokey-pokey";

- Directs the petitioners to collect on the petition "a number of signatures equivalent to the number of angels that can dance on the head of a pin";

- And, after having completed those provisions, it says organizers must hold two special elections, "four score and seven years ago," respectively...

Snark Bites on WUOT's Dialogue, Wednesday, Oct. 7

WUOT News Director Matt Shafer Powell has graciously invited me to be his guest on "Dialogue," Wednesday, October 7, at 1:00 p.m. to talk about "Snark Bites." The station is WUOT 91.9 FM, and you can listen online.

If you have questions you're dying to ask live on the air, the number to call is 864-974-5050.

"Snark Bites" 09/27-10/03

10/02

Doggy Discrimination in New City Park?

Mayor Haslam slammed for "rolling over" to dog activists

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Construction on the City of Knoxville's new downtown dog park is slated to begin by October 15 and may be completed by year's end, but the political repercussions for Knoxville Mayor Bill Haslam may not be done so quickly.

News of the groundbreaking for the roughly two-acre park slated for a section of green space located on the southeast corner of the intersection of Summit Hill and Central Avenue has been welcomed by the leash-law set. However, plans for the park to have separate sections for large dogs and small ones have drawn yelps from dog activists as smelling both discriminatory and exclusionary - while others have used the park to accuse Haslam of being a lapdog for special-interest groups.

Downtown doggie denizen and pioneer Urban Poodle Carl Haynes said, "Separate areas for dogs by size? How much more segregationist can you get? What would be the reaction if the mayor tried this in a park designed for the Hairless, Ungainly, and Mostly Absurd Nonentities that don't feed me nearly enough? They'd bark him right out of office. This rank size-ism gets my hackles up."

Added Carl's housemate Della, "Carl's a big strapping hunk and I'm a sweet petite thing - we'd be stuck in separate sections of the park. And what about those puppies, the tiny, tiny puppies of larger dogs, seeking a day of fun and frolic with their folks, only to be torn from the side of their parents and shown into some fenced-in jail full of strange-smelling other dogs? Does Mayor Haslam really intend to separate families like this? Someone needs to be shown the mess they made and have their nose smacked with a newspaper."

For his part, Haslam said he had no say-so in the design of the park, which was overseen by the Public Building Authority. However, he added that he supports the PBA's work but wants to assure all of his four-legged constituents that no companion dogs will be separated from one another, regardless of size.

"There was no conscious intent to segregate dogs by size in the park's design," said Haslam. "There are areas where all dogs can intermingle - and their humans as well. The areas for small dogs and large dogs are purely set-asides for the convenience and comfort of those dogs."

However, Haslam's explanation didn't sit well with another of his constituencies - middle-sized dogs.

"Oh, sure, it's always the extremes that get pandered to," complained medium-weight Parkridge canine Lulu DeGrow. "A set-aside for the big dogs who already charge around wherever they want like they own the place just because they're big. And a set-aside for the small dogs, who already get everybody fussing over them because they're little and cute and helpless. Always, the middle is overlooked."

"Yeah, what about a set-aside for the middle-size breeds?" Fourth and Gill mixed-breed Cody McNutt whined. "Are we somehow beneath consideration, looked upon as sub-species or something?"

"Right!" barked DeGrow. "Let me tell you something: America's middle-sized dogs are America's middle-class, and we're what made America great. Ignore us at your peril - we'll bite your ankles!"

"Like heck America was built by y'all!" growled McNutt. "America was built by the blue collars of working-class dogs of whatever size!"

McNutt and DeGrow then became distracted by a small stuffed hedgehog nicknamed "Squeaky" and began wrestling over it...

09/30

"Total Recall" of Law Director May Prove Costly

Less expensive replacement of defective parts only said to be "not an option"

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Replacing the Knox County Law Director's defective conscience, malfunctioning moral compass, and other faulty parts is not an option and only a total recall and replacement of the entire unit will satisfy regulatory concerns reports the Knox County Recollection Commission, the organization responsible for explaining such regulations.

Greg Mackay, Knox County Recollection administrator, said, "It's all or nothing - you can't just keep law director parts you like and send the rest back. You can't treat an expensive piece of law direction machinery like Mr. Potato Head."

Thus, the law director's resale retailer, Knox County Voters, Ltd., will be on the hook for the entire cost of recalling and replacing the misfiring device. The total expense of replacing it may climb upwards of $270,000 - times two.

John Q. Citizen, a spokesperson for Knox County Voters, Ltd., expressed regret over the flawed law director, but defended its acquisition of the instrument and blamed both the manufacturer and the device itself for any breakdowns in its performance.

"That thing is supposed to have a 'self-reporting' feature that immediately detects and reports mistakes in judgment or lapses in character," said Citizen. "Never once did an alarm go off in all the time this doohickey was defalcating in the firm where it was previously installed. Why didn't the manufacturer, Tennessee Bar Associates, Inc., catch that?"

"How can we possibly be expected to monitor what every one of these items is doing when we're churning out thousands of them each year?" responded Tennessee Bar Associate Shia Steer. "That's why we install the self-reporting piece. But the function of that device, in turn, depends on at least one of several redundant systems functioning correctly: the moral compass, the gut checker, the character referencer, the vice inhibitor and finally, the look-yourself-in-the-mirror test. But they all failed at the same time."

Asked how redundant systems could fail simultaneously, Steer was at a loss.

"We can't explain it," he said. "This is not supposed to happen. In this unit, those systems seem to have just gone kablooey and experienced massive moral spasms - like it experienced total systemic failure and all ethics centers were compromised or inhibited. That's unheard of. You expect little things to go wrong, but not this - not spasmodic moral fluctuations, simultaneous with inhibited ethics centers. Nobody expects that."

"Ha-ha! I get it! No one expects the spastic inhibition!" exclaimed the reporter...

09/28

Commission Votes for Guns in Neyland Stadium

Guns appear at meeting to make their aims known

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - With firearms of every caliber in the audience, Knox County Commissioners yesterday afternoon held a tense debate over the necessity and advisability of allowing guns in sports stadiums, including Neyland Stadium. Tempers were on a short fuse and many of the guns in the audience nearly went off on commission, but despite some emotional moments, the meeting concluded with a vote 13-5 to allow guns in sports facilities. The assembled munitions bared their themselves in solidarity when the vote was announced.

Voting to allow guns in stadiums were Commissioners Tony Norman, Ivan Harmon, Mike Hammond, Craig Leuthold, Richard Briggs, Brad Anders, Greg "Lumpy" Lambert, R. Larry Smith, Michele Carringer, Bud Armstrong, Dave Wright, Mike Brown and Paul Pinkston.

Voting for the ban were Commissioners Sam McKenzie, Thomas "Tank" Strickland, Mark Harmon, Amy Broyles and Finbarr Saunders.

Those arguing in favor of handguns in stadiums said it should be allowed under the Second Amendment and that violence is part of sports anyway and if people were going to attack each other, wouldn't a sports facility be the appropriate place for it? And besides, they added, the guns themselves were wholly indifferent to sports.

Commissioner Colonel Doctor Richard M. Briggs, M.D., pointed out that there were only occasional fights in the stands at Neyland Stadium, and "almost no one resorts to using their expensive, concessions-stand-purchased popcorn as a lethal weapon, so logically, people won't resort to using guns - which are much more precious to them than their popcorn - as lethal weapons."

"Popcorn is light, fluffy and yummy; guns are heavy, leaden and lethal - there is no logic in your comparison," argued Commissioner Amy Broyles.

At that, angry cries burst from some members of the audience.

"Guns don't kill people - bullets do!" yelled a Colt .45.

"Popcorn has choked more people to death than I've ever shot," cried a Sig Sauer P239.

"I'm not bad, I'm just aimed that way," growled a Smith & Wesson 60 Ladysmith 38 Special.

Commissioner Greg "Lumpy" Lambert was then dispatched as a special peacemaker to the gun culture to convince the weapons to stay on topic - and target. The meeting then resumed.

"What about venues that are co-operated by the city?" said Commissioner Mark Harmon.

"No worries," said Lambert, "Knowing we're armed will keep those undesirables out."

Commissioner Sam McKenzie said, "Once you start allowing guns to attend sporting events under their own recognizance, where does it end? What happens when they demand sporting events for weapons only - and they're demanding it at the end of a gun barrel because that's the only way they can? Where do we go from there? Guns-only playgrounds? Do we have guns-only bars, no people allowed, where they serve drinks with names like the Soft-Headed Slug of Whiskey, the Pink Elephant Gun and the Loaded for Bearing Arms? Where does it end, I ask you?"

"Not there," replied Commissioner Brad Anders excitedly. "There's a whole world of drink names to come up with for a guns-only bar! Think about all the shots you could have: the sure shot, the trick shot, the lucky shot, the sniper shot, and - oho - the kill shot!"

That wasn't exactly my point-" began McKenzie.

"Well now, let me see, this is a fascinating subject - Why, you could have the Loaded Magnum!" interjected Commissioner Mike Hammond. "Or the Pistol Whip. How about the Long, Hot, Smoking Barrel with a Twist? And the Muzzle-Loader!"

"Or the 'Muzzle-Lover,'" quipped Commissioner Craig Leuthold.

"Oo, oo, me, me!" screamed "Our" Larry Smith. "I got one: The Saturday Night Special with a Tracer-Bullet Chaser!"

"'Loaded Magnum' makes me think of movie-themed drink names!" exclaimed Commissioner Michele Carringer. "What about the Dirty Harry, the Lethal Weapon, the Do Ya Feel Lucky, Punk, and the Go Ahead, Make My Day? My goodness, this really is making mine..."

"Snark Bites" 09/20-26/09

9/25

County Magic Director Refuses to Halt Endurance Stunt

But audience's homemade "vanishing act" may upstage him

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - The Knox County Magic Director, who goes by the stage name Blockett the Unbudgeable and is known for his feats of extreme endurance, has outdone himself again. His latest endurance act requires that he remain motionless, frozen in place in his office, with only his paycheck for support. Blockett the Unbudgeable, whose real name is unknown, has refused to end his current stunt despite pleas from an audience who fear for his political life.

Echoing a sentiment he expressed when he first announced the stunt in June, Blockett the Unbudgeable proclaimed that he would remain frozen in place in the magic director's office until his bag of tricks is exhausted.

"I intend to continue working on the diabolic affairs of Knox County as I have since being sworn into office," he said. "There are still some rabbits left in my hat, and I still have a few tricks up my sleeves."

Blockett the Unbudgeable then gave an example of his sorcerous prowess.

"This is a potent popularity charm," he proclaimed. "Learned from ancient fakirs I studied with in the far east recesses of Knox County, once I chant the mystic incantation, you will succumb to my personal magnetism:

O-ah-wesh-ahwuran-auz-kar-my-yar-ween-ahr,
thahdiz-wut-ayed-truh-leeh-laktwobee,
furef-ahwuran-aus-kar-my-yar-ween-ahr,
heveri-wun-vudbee-enluff-vid-mee!

You are now under my thrall."

Charm spells notwithstanding, not all citizens are enthralled with the magic director's routine...

9/22

County Commission to Extend Self-Subpoena Process

"We still haven't gotten to the bottom of us!" proclaims Commissioner Mike Hammond

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - The Knox County Commission will revisit a procedure established last year for investigating itself and extend that power to the County Ethics Committee and the County Audit Committee under a resolution approved Monday by the commission's Finance Committee, which may also use the procedure to investigate itself.

The issue arose because the Audit Committee and the Ethics Committee have recently conducted several acrimonious meetings in which committee members have had fallings out. At the last Ethics Committee meeting, Knox County Commissioner Colonel Doctor Richard M. Briggs, M.D., and ethics committee member Richard Briggs announced the separation of Briggs's divided political allegiances after the two reached an impasse over which political allegiance took precedence.

In that same meeting, the Ethics Committee excused itself from itself on a 3-0 vote amid hurt feelings and bruised egos after a quorum couldn't be reached to vote on whether County Commissioner "Our" Larry Smith's moustache had taunted former County Commissioner Scott "Scoobie" Moore's smirk into outsmirking itself in a smirkiness contest last year.

The procedure under consideration allows commissioners to subpoena themselves as part of an investigation - or simply to liven up commission proceedings. The commission's self-inquisition powers were clarified by then-Law Director John Owings in spring of last year when the panel was considering investigating Mayor Ragsdale for inappropriate and excessive P-card use and itself for grandstanding, wastefulness, violations of the sunshine law and questionable competency in general.

It took Owings several months to pare down a procedure usable by commission. When asked at the time why streamlining the self-subpoena process took so long, Owings sighed, rolled his eyes and said, "Have you ever tried explaining the sunshine law to this crowd? You might as well explain gravity to bricks. We had to 'dumb down' the self-subpoena process. A lot..."

9/20

City Ponders Aping County to Stir Voter Interest

Officials, lamenting lack of interest in city politics, say city politicians "not disrespectful enough"

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Early voting totals suggest that Knoxville could set a record-low voter turnout for the upcoming district-only primary election for five or six or however many Knoxville City Council seats are open this cycle, said Knox County Elections Administrator Greg Mackay.

"If city voters maintain their typical apathy, we're on a pace to be on par with or below previous low voter turnout," said Mackay. "Short of trying some of the county's antics or hog-tying voters and dragging them to the polls, I'm durned if I know what to do."

The two-week early voting period, which ended Thursday, totaled 16.25 votes, as well as almost 4 absentee ballots. That's compared to the 14.5 early voters who cast a ballot during the same seats' last primary election in 2005. (Fractions are tallied for citizens who voted but cast their ballots for ineligible candidates, such as Victor Ashe or the McDonald's Hamburglar). The total turnout among those five races in the 2005 primary, including Election Day voting, was 37. Barely 80 city voters participated in the citywide general election that followed in November 2005, out of more than 100,000 eligible voters. Finding city dwellers who even remember that there was an election in 2005 is a daunting task.

Said Old North Knoxville resident Rip Shorn, "Vote in 2005? What the heck for? The city seems to hum along without me mucking it up by casting ballots for candidates I don't know anything about. Now, if it was a county vote, that's a different story."

"There's an election?" said Sequoyah Hills resident Tipsy Shersatin-Undergarter. "The city still has those? Why aren't the candidates getting themselves in the news like Lumpy, Scoobie, 'Our' Larry and Commissioner Colonel Doctor Richard M. Briggs, M.D., so I'll know who they are?"

"I'd like to see more people vote," Mackay said. "I think more people should vote in local elections, and not just because I'm elections administrator. Well, OK, that's a big part of it. But it's important enough to their day-to-day lives that I'm considering offering free toasters or big-screen TVs to the first 100 voters and hiring press gangs to round up citizens and take them to the polls by force."

"I'm sort of leaning toward drafting a Lumpy or a Scoobie or some of our other more colorful commissioners to run for city seats," said local rabble-rouser Brent Minchey. "These smooth-running council meetings and mind-numbingly noncontroversial candidate debates have me longing for the days when King Vic(tor Ashe) was still practicing the fine art of political payback and trying to build enormous glass-encased Shoppertainment™ complexes on Market Square and leveling potshots at Shurf Tim every chance he got..."

"Snark Bites" 09/13-19/09

9/18

County Abandons Plans for Anti-Lockett Defense Shield

"After his pay raise, it became obvious the shield wouldn't work," say officials

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - After it was announced that Knox County Law Director Bill Lockett received a substantial pay raise in the current fiscal year, Knox County Commission abandoned plans to erect an anti-Law Director defense shield around the City County Building, crying, "Cap'n, the shields canna' hold!"

Lockett, who seems to radiate chutzpah from every pore, has received $9,840 in raises since taking office in 2008, including an almost $7,000 raise during the current fiscal year, and has shown a remarkable capacity for bravado, brass, brazenness and bunkering down. Despite being rejected as legal counsel by both Knox County Commission and the Knox County school board and being under multiple investigations, Lockett siphons $154,320 a year from the county, drawing away precious funds that the county might have used to erect the defense shield against him.

The county has been casting about for some means to force Lockett from office - or at least surround him with a neutralizing force shield - ever since he disclosed that he had defalcated his former employer by accepting money from clients intended for his law firm. Lockett is now undergoing a criminal investigation by the Sullivan County DA, an ethics review by the Tennessee Board of Professional Responsibility, which oversees lawyer conduct, an IRS criminal unit investigation and has several outstanding parking tickets.

Yet, like the legendary Timex watch that takes a licking but keeps right on ticking or the indefatigable Energizer Bunny that keeps going and going and going, the law director keeps on drawing his regular county paycheck - while the county founders in its search for a way of shielding itself from him.

Initially, commission had planned to install anti-Lockett rocket launchers just inside the entrance to the City County Building, but abandoned that plan when it was realized the devices would never get past the building's metal detectors. Commission then considered bringing in several wild snarks to freely roam the building's hallways - but that scheme fell through when commissioners realized the mouthy beasts would have no effect on the law director but might frighten off other county officials.

Finally, commissioners hit upon the idea of the plastering the entire exterior of the building with a protective shield of "No Defalcation Allowed" signs - only to discard it when they realized that funding for the signs was tied up in the law director's salary. Also, commissioners were unsure who else in county government the signs might apply to...

9/15

Burchett Won't Take Candy from Babies

Mayoral candidate also takes heroic stance against "boneheadedness"

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE -State Sen. Tim Burchett, a candidate for Knox County mayor in 2010, said Monday that he will not take candy from babies of Knox County employees to support his campaign.

"I want the children's photo ops and their parents' respect and support," Burchett said. "But I expect to earn that support with a photogenic smile and generalized promises of a chicken in every bucket and a fish in every barrel. So I don't want their kids' candy. I repeat: I do not want the kids' candy. The last thing I want to create is a situation where the kids are on a terrific crying jag, and I'm left looking like a boneheaded bad guy with sticky fingers in the cookie jar - because obviously, I am not a bad guy since I'm vowing not to pry the lollipops from those tiny, tiny fingers."

Also, county employees who want to attend his Sept. 25 fundraiser need not pay the suggested $50 contribution, he said, "because that would be like shooting the fish in the barrel that I'm promising everyone will have."

He noted that in the past, some county employees were "shook down" for contributions. When it was pointed out that the correct grammatical construction would be "were shaken down," Burchett said he would make a note of it and instructed his staffers to use the phrase "all shook up" in the future...

9/13

Knox County Libraries to Become Bookstores Under New Plan

Proposal explores bingo, boutiques, other means to make library self-sufficient

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - The Knox County Public Library's new five-year budget plan includes a "bombshell" option of becoming a bookstore franchise, taking over UT's library by force, renting some branches as venues for dances and bar mitzvahs and creating a "Bookmobile" that would rush to the aid of bibliophiles everywhere who were threatened by the forces of evil - or, at least, a lack of new reading material.

The system budget has been stagnant the last two years, but demand for services, especially at downtown's Lawson McGhee Library, is growing every day, library officials said, so drastic measures are needed. People are forced to sit on each other for lack of seating, use periodicals for toilet paper, burn shelving for illumination and wait in lines for punch-card driven computers. Plus, thousands of books, including deteriorating 19th-century editions, are being used as kindling to fire the generator that powers the key-punch computers.

"Part of the plan is to reshape this system knowing full well one of the challenges is that no one in Knox County seems to appreciate that library systems cost money to run," said Larry Frank, senior director of library services. "To deal with the very real reality of limited funds, we must think off the bookshelf, color outside the page, play outside the sandbox, step outside the frame, and run without the scissors. How can we change and reshape the system so that it is sustainable? One way is to go for-profit."

The new plan, distributed to Knox County commissioners last weekend, would also consider several locations for a new, $40 million main library to be known as the "Bookcave," according to Ginna Mashburn, co-chair of the Knox County Public Library "Help, We Need Money" Foundation.

Possibilities include the Knoxville Convention Center near the World's Fair Park and a karst sinkhole under Church Avenue and Gay Street. Another possibility is launching a hostile takeover of the University of Tennessee's library system and establishing the county library's new central base in the Hoskins Library Building.

Other options in the plan include "boutique" branches that would sell materials that appealed to the interests of their neighborhoods, such as UT football paraphernalia, John Grisham novels and beer. Alternatively, these branches may be rented out for special events or used as clandestine bingo parlors, from which the library, as the "house," would take a considerable percentage of the profits. The library director would also periodically don a costume to become that Dark and Stormy Knight, the Bookman. Bookman would drive his Bookmobile, equipped with the latest accoutrements to fight boredom, ennui, and illiteracy, to the rescue of those thirsting for current reading materials amidst a barren wasteland of interactive computer games...