Ask Miss Behavior
Knox Holiday Etiquette
by Miss Behavior
With Thanksgiving looming like a large, angry mound of mashed potatoes, you are probably confronted with numerous stressful issues, such as what to do when everyone brings green bean casserole as their dish, how to react when Aunt Edna loudly passes gas at the table, and besides a doorstop, just how many other uses can you put a fruitcake to? These holiday concerns can overwhelm you. But never fear, Miss Behavior is here to advise you on even the touchiest of Thanksgiving etiquette questions.
Dear Miss Behavior: Since our county government is one big turkey (with plenty of hams too), this Thanksgiving, why don’t we save ourselves some money and just eat our hearts out? – Signed Fed Up in Fort Sanders
Miss Behavior says: Dear Fed, don’t eat your heart out, it will only leave a bitter taste in your mouth. Instead, Miss Behavior suggests you give thanks for the many positive attributes of Knox County government, such as its tendency to eat its own (as evidenced by the recent roasting of Scoobie Moore). And when you say grace, remember to ask that some be bestowed upon county government. It needs all it can get.
Dear Miss Behavior: There are so many organizations in greater Knox seeking financial assistance this holiday season. How do I choose which one to give my money to? - Signed Flummoxed in Fourth and Gill
Miss Behavior says: Dear Flum, although helping the needy is indeed a worthy goal, what you must realize is that many of these organizations, which have street handles like KARM and VMC and go by many aliases, are in reality addicts. Yes, addicts, hooked on the milk of human kindness flowing from the public teat in the form of your tax dollars. And they will do anything to feed that addiction. They’ll do anything to get their mouths on that nipple to suck just a little bit more of your money from it. They’ll say things like, "We promise never to move north of the Interstate if only you’ll just give us this one little teensy-weensy million-dollar donation," or "If you just give us another $250,000 for our Minvilla, we promise to stop coming around asking for more." But these poor souls, they’re need for boodle is so whack, as soon as they gobbled down their last hit, they’re back for another suckle. So when one of these entities accosts you for a donation, it’s best to direct them to the proper authorities, like the IRS, who can help them with their problems.
Dear Miss Behavior: With all the stress that comes with the crowds adding to traffic problems during the holiday season, what I want to know is, when I’m stuck in traffic surrounded by idiots who don’t know how to drive and don’t know where they’re going and don’t move fast enough at the red lights and won’t take a chance and turn into oncoming traffic and don’t know how to merge and none of them will get out of my way, is it appropriate to ram them? – Signed, Seething in South Knox
Miss Behavior says: Dear Seething, no, it most certainly is not appropriate. Save up those emotions to share and explore them with your family at Thanksgiving dinner.
Dear Miss Behavior: What do you call those things you use to pick up a turkey? – Signed, Bumfuzzled in Bearden
Miss Behavior Says: Dear Bum, your hands?
Dear Miss Behavior: Why aren’t people saying, "my blood runs deep orange" these days? – Signed, Curious on Clinch
Miss Behavior says: Dear Curious, because nothing in orange runs deep this year.
Dear Miss Behavior: Wasn’t that a very bad joke and don’t you regret it? – Groaning on Gill
Miss Behavior says: Dear Groaning, yes and yes.
Dear Miss Behavior: Every year, I get stuck preparing the entire Thanksgiving meal while my husband sits in his Barcalounger sipping his Scotch and watching football. This year, I’m trying to get him to help with dressing the turkey. I plan to work miso butter and spices into the meat, gently rubbing and massaging the skin around the breast with my fingers and slowly working my way down the legs until the whole body is creamy and aromatic. My question is, while I’m doing this, how do I convince my husband to stuff the cavity? – Signed, Frustrated in Farragut
Miss Behavior Says: Dear Frustrated, I’m sorry, but this column cannot concern itself with what two consenting adults and their turkey do in private. But drop me a line and let me know how dessert comes out.
Dear Miss Behavior: What is appropriate seating for Thanksgiving dinner? – Signed, Guessing in Gibbs
Miss Behavior Says: On the buttocks, dear Guessing, on the buttocks.
Dear Miss Behavior: No, no, I mean how do you arrange your guests for Thanksgiving? – Signed, Still Guessing in Gibbs
Miss Behavior Says: Dear Still, oh, I’m sorry, I misunderstood.
Dear Miss Behavior: That’s OK, could happen to anyone.
Miss Behavior Says: Anyway, we always put children and pets outside and grandpa closest to the turkey because his eyesight is going and when he mistakes grandma for the bird it always draws a chuckle.
Dear Miss Behavior: Unfortunately, we have to have an official from the Knox County government at our Thanksgiving dinner. How should we treat it? – Signed, Family of a Knox County Official
Miss Behavior Says: Dear Family, treating it with alcohol is probably best. While you’re at it, you should probably apply some to yourself. In regular doses, 2 to 12 ounces, repeat as needed.
Posts
