"Snark Bites" 07/12-18

7/17
County Government Simulators a Howling Success
Machines allow users to experience government inaction

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Everywhere you go in the Cedar Bluff Best Buy store, you hear the sounds of county government at work. While "working county government" may sound like an oxymoron, these sounds of government at work are not, of course, sounds of actual government. It's virtual government.

The front of the store resembles a mini-City County Building, with kids and adults alike hopping into several "County Government In-Action" simulators to try their hand at running the county - into the ground. Shrieks and howls of delight burst from the devices, as citizens experience a "virtual reality" of political grandstanding, backstabbing, incompetence and corruption.

Knox County Elections boss Greg Mackay says the simulators are intended to educate citizens about how government works, not give them a taste for the thrill of political dirty tricks. But Eli Scoumin, area manager for public indifference to government, doesn't care whether that strategy is working, as long as people are playing.

"People have been in them pretty much open to close," Scoumin said. "They're never empty. At one point, people were making back-room deals and forming political factions in order to cut line to get back into the machines. Like political power, a virtual reality political experience is addictive, so I'd say it's a pretty successful simulation."

The simulator, which uses a Sony PayNation 3 government stimulus adapter package with titles like "Grand Theft Automatic," "TVAhole," "Herb Moncier's knoX-files," "Let's Make a Ragsdeal," "Pocket Lockett Stimulator," "Kickbacker: Extreme Edition," and "Quid Pro Quo Pro 2009," also has aided sales for those products, he said...
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/07/county-government-simulators-a.html

7/14
Brawl Over Land-Use Rights Erupts at Music Club
Fight at Valarium also sparked by dispute over "heavy metal" categories

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - The first in a series of public meetings to gather input on the best ways to preserve land without curbing property rights erupted into a brawl last night over a proposal to restrict playing certain types of heavy metal music on ridge-top developments.

The fight broke out at the Valarium music club on Blackstock Avenue in Knoxville during the public meeting on ridge, slope and hillside development held by a joint city-county task force and the Metropolitan Planning Commission.

Who threw the first punch remains a mystery, but emotions ran high during an argument over categories of metal music. The anger boiled over after a county commissioner declared that his family had "listened to death metal for generations" and that he had "an absolute right to play whatever metal I want on my property."

At the beginning of the meeting, task force Co-chairman and County Commissioner Tony Norman said that heavy metal music is "something that affects everyone. You can't walk anywhere for any length of time without hearing metal emanating from some passing vehicle - LOUDLY. If we have people on ridge tops playing any kind of metal music they want, it's going to rain down like acid on the ears of people living in the valleys below."

Norman then went on to list several categories of metal music, including classic metal, goth metal, British metal, pop metal, power metal, glam metal, speed metal, progressive metal, thrash metal, thrashcore metal, alternative metal, black metal, death metal, doom metal, death-doom metal, hardcore metal, grindcore metal, metalcore metal, industrial metal, post-punk metal, funk metal, reggae metal and rap metal.

Norman also noted that the list "was not exhaustive..."
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/07/brawl-over-land-use-rights-eru.html

7/12
County Officials to Do 'Shakespeare on the Mayor'
Will lampoon selves with selections from "A Comedy of Errors," other of the Bard's works

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Knox County Mayor Mike Ragsdale and other county officials will be roasted in a special Shakespeare on the Square performance by the Knox County Government Performance Art Company - the same group the brings Knox Countians tragicomic gems like county commission's monthly meetings, Mayor Ragsdale's periodic press conferences and County Law Director Bill Lockett all the time.

"We'll brave the slings and arrows of outraged critics to be the best Shakespeareans ever - or not to be," laughed head performance artist and Knox County Commissioner Greg "Lumpy" Lambert.

Added Lambert's fellow tragedian, "Our" Larry Smith, "We'll do things like having Sheriff Jimmy 'J.J.' 'Good Times' Jones yell, 'Cry havoc and let slip the squad cars of war,' in his battle over a countywide take-home vehicle policy. You'll hear Paul Pinkston doing Hamlet with, 'The play's the thing, wherein I'll catch the conscience of the Mayor-King,' on his attempts to pin the mayor on something, anything."

"Yes, it's loaded with goodies," continued Lambert enthusiastically. "There's a bit on Mayor Ragsdale reading 'Much Ado about Nothing' to the children. And we have Commissioner Colonel Doctor Richard M. Briggs, M.D., say 'The patient must minister to himself' - because it just cracks us up to have him say that. We hope audience members can laugh themselves into stitches, because we'll be laying it on with a trowel."

Although the performance is billed as drawing on "A Comedy of Errors," Lambert says the show will actually encompass all of Shakespeare's works.

"We use that 'Comedy of Errors' bit in our promotions because that's how most citizens are likely to view Knox County government, even if in actuality it may be more akin to the Bard's tragedies," explained Lambert. "But what we're doing is actually far more exciting. We're taking snippets from all of Shakespeare's works, seasoning them with references to current county events, leavening in a lot of broad interpolation, extrapolation and interpretation to arrive at a feast of language, which lights trippingly on the tongue. I know some will scoff that unquiet meals make ill digestions, but small cheer and great welcome makes a merry feast, for 'tis an ill cook that cannot lick his own fingers."

Challenged to explain what his last sentence - which sounded like unrelated Shakespeare quotes strung together nonsensically - actually meant, Lambert turned to Commissioner Mark Harmon...
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/07/county-officials-to-do-shakesp.html

"Snark Bites" 07/5-11

7/11
Engineer Says TVA Ash Spill Resulted From Dike Burst
In other news, water is wet and boo-boos are ouchy

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - A $3 million study blaming a massive coal ash spill at TVA's Kingston Fossil Plant on a complex combination of structural factors and giant slugs is wrong, says an engineering expert who evaluated the disaster for his own clients.

Barry Switzer, who designs facilities similar to TVA's Kingston plant, doesn't buy the exotic conclusion of Tennessee Valley Authority consultant IMBOT Inc. that the spill was due mainly to mountainous slugs that liquefied the soils in the area thus destabilizing the dike and leaving behind vast trails of slime.

"That wasn't an explanation," Switzer said. "That was smoke and mirrors. I've been designing hydraulic-fill structures similar to the Kingston Fossil Plant landfill for 30 years, and I've never lost one to titanic slugs."

In a report shared with regulators, Switzer concludes the Dec. 22 breach that sent 5.4 million cubic yards of toxic-laden muck into the Emory River and a lakeside neighborhood had a simple explanation.

"It ain't rocket science," contends Switzer, president of Knoxville-based Sooner-Cowboys Environmental Associates Inc. "And it's not giant slugs from outer space. It was a plain old dike that burst."

No people were injured in the resultant flood, but TVA claims it must have killed the Leviathan-like gastropods responsible for the dike failure. The disaster was one of the worst of its kind in the United States and has brought new attention to the risks and lack of regulation of coal ash storage sites around the country. It also has sent authorities scrambling for methods to deal with rogue, mutant slugs and caused a run on government salt reserves...
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/07/engineer-says-tva-ash-spill-re.html

7/10
Dense "Brain Fog" Advisory for County Officials
Brain-foggy conditions may force officials to stay home; citizen reactions differ

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - A dense brain fog advisory was issued this morning for Knox County officials, and Knox Countians heading into downtown were urged to use extreme caution around anyone suspected of being connected with county government.

The National Political Weather Service office issued the advisory early Friday morning, stating it might clear off around 2010.

Despite the brain fog advisory, many Knox County leaders insisted on showing up for work Friday morning.

"In some jobs, brain fog is an occupational hazard," said Dwight Van de Vate, chief administrative officer for County Mayor Mike Ragsdale. "In my position, it's a godsend."

Added mayoral Chief of Staff Mike Arms, "I like the cool, refreshing feeling of the damp, gray-matter vapor settling around my head - it keeps the workings of my mind shrouded in mystery - even from me."

In the City County Building, particularly dense fog surrounded the offices of Knox County Law Director Bill Lockett, intensifying whenever Knox County citizens or county commissioners approached with the latest demand for his ouster. Outside the county law offices alone, three hallway crashes occurred - two of them suspected of being brain-fog-related. Inside the offices, not even the faint outlines of Lockett's familiar shape could be seen.

A thick, malodorous cloud also hung over the Knox County Solid Waste Department - whether caused by the brain fog or the county's contracted mulch facility was impossible to tell. However, since the doings of that department are increasingly inscrutable, the impenetrable particulate curtain was business as usual...
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/07/dense-brain-fog-advisory-for-c.html

7/9
Knox County Opens New Political Playground
New "neutral turf" park allows politicians to run, jump and frolic openly

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Lumpy and Scoobie, a pair of enthusiastic political hounds, became the first official politicians to visit Knox County's newest political playground last week, making a mad dash onto the turf, then running, tumbling and barking delightedly.

Their owners, Deb and Ell Loper, arrived within minutes of the official ribbon-cutting at the Tommy Schumpert Political Playground.

"It's nice having this in the neighborhood," said Ell as he hurried along through the gates with Lumpy. "It's good to have a place where they can sort of stretch their legs and interact without sniffing, feeling threatened or having to assert dominance."

Knox County Mayor Mike Ragsdale said the project is largely the product of politician's suggestions from all across the county.

"We really wanted to include the politicians because they're the ones who are going to be using this playground," he said.

The four-acre political pet area is just one of the facilities at the 173-acre park off Rifle Range Road in North Knox County. The park, named for former County Executive Tommy Schumpert, also includes a variety of games and rides, a confession area and a place where the politicians can "play ball" in full public view.

"It's going to be great for us," said developer Tim Graham, who interacts with county politicians in places besides public playgrounds. "I think it will give the politicians something to be proud of and work toward as a reward for good behavior and time served."

Schumpert, a two-term county executive in the 1990s, joined other county leaders to cut the ribbon on the park.

"I can't express in words what this means to me," he said. "It's not for Tommy Schumpert. It's for all future county politicians."

Knox County Mayor Mike Ragsdale proposed the playground in 2005 on land that was purchased during Schumpert's administration for an amusement park. "Better leadership came in and had the vision to make it a political playground and an amusement park," Schumpert said, referring to Ragsdale.

The public is also welcome at the park - in selected areas and during restricted hours, of course. Supporters say it will give citizens the opportunity to observe politicians interacting in a more natural, uninhibited way than during meetings and workshops. Some of the amusement park attractions will also offer educational opportunities for the politically naive...
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/07/knox-county-opens-new-politica.html

7/7
Trustee Office Tries to Retake Scandal Crown
But scandal observers say mayor's refusal to sign law director censure out-scandalizes trustee flap

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Knox County Trustee Fred Sisk's office Monday was trying to regain the scandal limelight with a dispute over an employee's paycheck. However, most observers say the trustee will have to be far more shocking to divert attention from other county imbroglios - especially with the mayor's refusal to sign county commission's censure of county law director Bill Lockett competing for attention.


"Look, back in March we grabbed the headlines for several days with this same employee's P-card purchase of The Sopranos on Blue-ray and other audiovisual supplies," said Sisk. "I realize that in the intervening months some fairly spectacular scandals have occurred - the take-home vehicle fight, the mayor's budget, a Knox County deputy from Union County trying to corral the county charter in Nashville, and, of course, the walking, talking, 24/7 outrage generator that is the law director, among others. But really, it's time for us to get back in the spotlight, and I can't think of a more reliable way to proceed than with a little paycheck dispute drama. It's a solid performer."

At the heart of the disagreement between Sisk and delinquent-tax supervisor and online payment manager Herb Tarlek are Tarlek's claims for 141,000 hours of sick leave and comp time plus overtime pay for the Fourth of July holiday, which Sisk says Tarlek is not entitled to.

"Fourth of July? No way," said Sisk. "We might pay employees to take days off to shop before Christmas, but we don't pay for the Fourth of July. As far as the sick pay and comp pay, he lost track of where he was a little bit - not every employee keeps track of that like they should now that the payroll department is tracking our time and the TBI is reviewing our files. He might be due a few thousand of those hours, but not the whole 141,000. And if this brouhaha isn't scandal-worthy, then my name's not Mike Lo- I mean, Fred Sisk..."
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/07/trustee-office-tries-to-retake.html

"Snark Bites" 06/28-07/04

7/3
TVA Tries Sending Inspection Reports Directly to Landfills
Field notes, press releases to go immediately to dump, too

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - The Tennessee Department of Environment Oversight, in the Sense of Overlooking, Not Overseeing (TDEOSONO) has approved test runs of four area landfills for the disposal of inspection reports, public-information documents and other materials related to the Dec. 22 coal fly-ash spill at the Tennessee Valley Authority's Kingston Fossil Plant.

In a statement issued Wednesday, TDEOSONO spokeswoman Trisha Cabrini-Green said TVA would be permitted to send five to 10 truckloads of reports and public-access documents - as well as any investigative journalism stories TVA successfully stonewalls - to each landfill under the agreement. The failure of a coal-ash disposal pond at the Kingston power plant dumped 5.4 million cubic yards of reports, memos and press releases - enough to fill 450,000 dump trucks - into the surrounding communities.

Cabrini-Green said that after the revelation that the field notes of the inspector who was the last to scrutinize the coal-ash pond at the Kingston Fossil Plant disappeared from his desk, TDEOSONO decided to bow to reality and start allowing TVA to begin sending materials relevant to the disaster directly to landfills.

Cliff Buttersquash, a Tennessee Valley Authority engineer, said in a deposition that his Oct. 22, 2008, inspection of the fly ash pond was the first he'd ever conducted, and while he responded to the Dec. 22 collapse at the facility, the notes disappeared. He specifically and emphatically stated in his deposition testimony that he had not taken the notes with invisible ink...
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/07/tva-tries-sending-inspection-r.html

7/1
City Ordinance Would Force Hopeless Politicians Out of Knoxville
Policy primarily aimed at keeping county politicians from asking for handouts

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - A proposed city ordinance ostensibly aimed at improving access to developers in the downtown and Downtown North corridor could soon force Knox County's hopeless politicians outside the city limits for most of the day.

Knoxville City Council members gave unanimous approval to the draft ordinance on first reading without discussion Tuesday. It would prohibit any county politician from sitting down to lunch with developers or lying down with dogs, metaphorically speaking, between the hours of 7 a.m. and 9 p.m. throughout the downtown core and along lower Broadway and North Central Street.

City officials have targeted the Broadway-Central corridors as a redevelopment area, hoping to draw skittish developers there to invest in making the district a pedestrian-friendly, mixed-use residential and commercial area just north of downtown. And they say they don't need hopelessly handout-addicted county politicians scaring away those mercurial yet money-hungry development-seeking creatures by pestering them for favors.

Bob Whetsel, the city's director of developer attraction, said developer access is an integral part of that.

"In order to have good developer connections, you need good, open-air interactions, with lots of sunshine and far away from dimly lit back rooms," he said...
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/07/city-ordinance-would-force-hop.html

6/30
Group seeks 'Double-Super' Ouster of Lockett
In other news, local attorney Herb Moncier aims for suit-filing world record

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - County Law Director Bill Lockett, already beleaguered by multiple efforts seeking his removal, faces yet another, as a half-dozen people said Monday they'll begin working to file a "double-super" ouster complaint against him. The group hopes to file a complaint in Chancery or Circuit Court and ask for an immediate hearing to seek Lockett's ouster, said an organizer of Monday's meeting, General Sun Tzu.

"It is the rule in war, if ten times the enemy's strength, surround them; if five times, attack them; we have the strength to attack and hold the momentum to start collecting signatures, and the time to strike is now," Tzu said. "We will go to each commissioner and ask for a representative from each district, for when torrential water tosses boulders, it is because of its momentum. When the strike of a hawk breaks the body of its prey, it is because of timing."

Tamara Shepherd, an organizer of the Lockett Recall Initiative that aims to put Lockett's recall before voters next year, is interested in being a plaintiff in an ouster suit too. "I would be willing to join the suit," said Shepherd. "Because if something is the right thing to do once, isn't it equally right to do it twice? Didn't Sun Tzu say something like that?"

"No," replied Tzu.

"But you did say 'opportunities multiply when they are seized,' didn't you?" insisted Shepherd.

"Well, yes..." admitted Tzu.

"Same difference," said Shepherd.

Two of the four commissioners who attended the meeting - Mark Harmon and Ed Shouse - said they would join the ouster suit if needed.

However, Commissioner Colonel Doctor Richard M. Briggs, M.D., said elected officials suing elected officials becomes "politicized - of course, admittedly, it's hard to say how an office-holder committing malfeasance isn't already 'politicized' - but I guess I mean there's politicized and then there's double-super politicized..."
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/06/group-seeks-double-super-ouste.html