Once again, I have no rationale for reviving this piece, except that it never made it on line in the first place. I'm not sure when it first ran. My guess would be 1999. And that's all I have to say about it.
Deja Ewe
Stepping in the Cloning Controversy
by
Scott McNutt
A while back, President Clinton made many folks happy by calling for a ban on human cloning. This took most experts by surprise, given the many demands on the president's time. The experts pretty much agreed that, between critical fund-raising luncheons with felons, time-consuming gropes of passing females, high-priority phone sex calls, and the super-top-secret strip Yatzee games with Boris Yeltsin, the prez could use a clone of himself.
What motivated the president's ban? Perhaps he feared that the cloning technology would fall into the wrong hands, the hands of someone who could hold the entire country hostage with the threat of a truly unspeakable act: Cloning a hybrid of Monica Lewinsky and Kenneth Starr. Or maybe Clinton is cagily waiting to find out whether, if he cloned himself, he would be able to convince the clone to assume the responsibility of sleeping with Hillary.
Regardless of which immoral instinct drove Clinton to act so precipitously, I want to add mine to the chorus of voices crying out in a soft contralto that the prez has made a mistake: Clone humans! Ban cloning animals! I mean, look what we've got more of since this business started: sheep. As if the world needs another sheep.
Of course, for all we know, the sheep cloning incident may have been a hoax. After all, what evidence do we have? A bunch of guys in white coats claiming they are scientists call a press conference and announce that they're about to clone a sheep. They bring in the sheep, hook it to some wires, throw a switch, then bring in another sheep and tell the waiting flock of reporters that this is a clone of the first sheep. As if a reporter could tell the difference.
Not that I fault reporters for being unable to distinguish one sheep from another. (That's a Scotsman's job.) I will readily fault reporters for virtually everything else, but this I forgive. Why? Because in this one respect, reporters are no different than the rest of us. You know what I mean: If you've worn a fleece-lined coat or a wool sweater, you know everything you need to know about sheep. You have had The Sheep Experience. Whatelse is there?
Besides wool, sheep produce crap and more sheep. They all look alike; they all act alike (sort of like Young Republicans). For all intents and purposes, every sheep alive today might as well be a clone. So what's the point of cloning sheep? Unless, of course, you're trying to develop a new, far superior strain of Bee Gee. Besides, a ban on cloning humans is silly because it's obviously already being done. The United States Congress is proof of that.
So it makes much more sense to clone humans. But it is a sensitive issue, and it's vital to put someone respected and trusted in charge. Which is why I am asking the people of this great nation to put me in charge of Clone Central. I am both respected and trusted by myself. I assure you that cloning approval would be an exacting process, and I would take each and every relevant factor into account. Specifically, if you wanted to be cloned, you would pay me exactly $1,000,000 and I would take each and every one of those dollars into my Swiss bank account.
Think of all the advantages having a clone offers: It would no longer be such a chore to round up that fourth player for golf or bridge. When someone asks, "Can you lend me a hand?" you could easily oblige, and throw in a foot to demonstrate your generosity. Follicle-challenged guys such as myself would have an easier time checking the spread of their bald spots. (If this seems trivial to you, you've never been a balding guy.) Why, I don't believe there's an issue confronting our society today that could not be remedied with the judicious application of the cloning process. Except perhaps for the spread of Rosie O'Donnell.
And as Head Cloner, I want you to know that I would not flinch from addressing disquieting issues such as creeping Rosie O'Donnellism. This dark side of cloning -- scientifically known as "God, Not Another Talk Show Host!" -- would not escape my scrutiny. In fact, I already have a solution: I would accept bribes to not clone certain people. Jewel, Bill Gates, Orrin Hatch, Gilbert Gottfried, Dr. Laura -- this is just a small sampling of the people whom you could persuade me not to duplicate with just a few measly millions.
This may seem like a lot of money to the average citizen, but ask yourself, "Average citizen, isn't it worth $3,000,000 to know there will never be another Jerry Springer?" It's a pity I wasn't put in charge earlier. We could have avoided this whole Hanson thing.
To those who say that I have no social conscience, that greed is my sole motivator, I say "Feh!" And as proof, I submit this list of The Ten People That I Will Never Clone Really Truly Honestly You Don't Have To Bribe Me Cross My Heart And Hope To Die:
1. You
2. You
3. You
4. And
5. You
6. You too
7. Ditto
8. The same
9. Likewise
10. And that goes for the rest of you! Why? Because you're all just sheep! And you're bad! Baaah-aaad!
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