Forecast: Continued Cold and Callous
Harsh indifference to community challenges expected to linger in Knox County through 2010From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - The forecast for 2010 continues the trend of 2009, with Knox County expecting to experience widespread disregard for the serious challenges it faces in the coming year. In a recent survey on current events, when asked what issue was most pressing for the Knox area in 2010, almost 7 out of 10 respondents said, "addressing concerns related to issues surrounding illegal activities in the University of Tennessee Athletics Program."
As one reader put it, "With latest athlete arrests for guns and drugs, I think renaming Smokey, the Vols mascot, to reflect the lawlessness of the UT Athletics Program should be our top priority. If we were Georgia, this would be easy - We could change Uga to Thuga. But what can Smokey become? SmokeU? Smokesum?"
Other readers put as the area's top issues "making sure the UT men's basketball program's arrest record is on par with the football program's arrest record" and "needing to thoroughly and completely expose UT's Hostess Twinkie program."
The recent media feeding frenzy surrounding issues with UT's athletics merely underscores the indifferent climate that real community issues face locally. The other 3 respondents in the survey didn't name any actual local concerns in their most pressing issues for Knox County. One listed as his top priority, "using Rush Limbaugh's successful treatment for fright from chest pains to prove that America has the best medical system in the world and showing that anyone who doesn't agree is a communist and should move to one of those communist countries like France plus showing that America is already doomed by its embrace of sin and socialism."
Another said that Knox County's main concern in 2010 "needs to be getting more guns in bars - More guns in more bars in more locations would pretty much solve all our problems, wouldn't it?"
The final respondent said what Knox County needed in 2010 was "more light-hearted entertainment. All the mistresses of Tiger Woods, David Letterman and South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford need to pool their talents together, come up with a traveling road show and come play the Tennessee Theater. Maybe they could come for that Big Ears Festival in March - although in that case people would probably call it something besides 'Big Ears.' I kind of favor 'Madrigals Mistresses Tour' myself."
Although just one half of one percent of the survey respondents listed any local issues at all in their top concerns for 2010, the forecast is not completely bleak. Widely scattered patches of light voter turnout are expected for the area political races in the fall, with an 85 percent chance of the Knox County mayor's election being decided in May's Republican primary. A few experts call for a 1 percent chance of a Democrat winning the county mayor's office, while most say the local Democratic party doesn't show up on their radar screens at all...
12/31
Knox County New Year's Irresolution
Citing "uncertainties inherent in decisive resolve," County Commission postpones action on New Year's traditionFrom APB reports. KNOXVILLE - In a surprise outcome for a special called session, Knox County Commission today postponed action on any New Year's resolutions until such time as it becomes clear which resolutions would be most likely to be kept. Commission made the move at the behest of Mayor Ragsdale's office. The result was a far cry from commission's original purpose for the meeting, which was called precisely so commissioners could arrive at a single resolution all could agree to. The debate on the issue actually began with a proposed resolution aimed at the mayor's office.
"We could resolve not to put up with anymore of Mayor Ragsdale's guff and double-talk," suggested Commissioner Paul Pinkston at the beginning of the proceedings.
"No, we do that every year anyway, and we never keep it," replied Commissioner Sam McKenzie.
"Couldn't we at least resolve to do something to annoy 'im?" pleaded Pinkston.
"Say, maybe instead of making a new resolution, we could just identify an old one we kept, reissue that and be done with it," proposed Commissioner Michele Carringer.
"I like it, but since we can't do it in secret, somebody'd report it, and then the people would be mad at us again," sighed Commissioner Ivan Harmon...
12/30
Actual Voters Found on Voter Rolls
Election Commission believes some may even have voted in local electionsFrom APB reports. KNOXVILLE - The Knox County Election Commission has discovered almost 24 voters on the official voter rolls after learning they had either voted or registered to vote elsewhere some time in the last 50 years, officials said Tuesday.
Of that number, it is believed only 12 have actually cast ballots in location elections since 1984. It's not believed that enough voted in any one race for anybody to actually notice that someone had voted in that contest, according to Knox County Administrator of Elections Greg Mackay.
"We do try to record it if someone votes in a race, but it's so rare, it's no wonder that sometimes it goes unnoticed," said Mackay.
The discovery came after the Tennessee Census Department sent county election officials a list of citizens' Social Security numbers who had "historically shown a possible pattern of civic involvement sufficient to cause suspicion that they might be voters," Mackay said...
12/28
Consumers Try to Return 2009
"'Hope and change' was all smoke and mirrors - We demand a different year," angry voters cryFrom APB reports. KNOXVILLE - For many, 2009 is ending as it began, as citizens disgruntled with the way the year had unfolded tried to exchange it for a better one.
Across the nation, crowds holding signs reading "Hope? Nope!" and "Exchange the Change!" while chanting "Hope and Change Equals More of the Same" were thronging shopping centers. Meanwhile, those who tried to turn in the year at refund and exchange counters encountered only frustration, as clerks refused to accept the used year.
Longtime Democrat Shirley Knotts of French Lick, Indiana, who, despite voting for President Obama in 2008, came to her local CVS Pharmacy in hopes of returning 2009 for a refund.
"This here 2009 prescription for 'hope and change' was smoke and mirrors - it didn't fix a thing for me," explained Knotts. So I came in to exchange this old year for a less-expensive fix and use whatever change was left over to maybe buy myself a nice little week without worries, if you follow? But no, they won't even refund my money, they won't exchange it, they won't do nothing. So I'm stuck with this here used year that wasn't at all what I expected and didn't do nothing to change my circumstances for the better. I feel gypped."
In Muleshoe, Texas, Pete Stilwip was among the members of the group Angry About Incompetence, Incumbents, Excess and Everything!! (AAiiEE!!) protesting 2009's lousiness in the Alco Discount Store parking lot.
"It started with government take-overs and taxing and spending and mortgaging our future and our children's and our children's children's and our children's children's children's future and it's ending the same," said Stilwip. "It's on to the seventh generation now. We're sick of the greed and the graft. We know it didn't start under Obama, but when he got up there and got in charge of it, I reckon that's when it caught our attention..."
12/26
After-Christmas Bargain-Hunters Find Savings on Depression, Regret
Thrifty shoppers seeking deals on excess, conspicuous consumption and keeping up with the joneses fare well tooFrom APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Shoppers looking to fill that familiar hollow feeling left by the holidays' departure were finding considerable deals on depression and regret nationwide, a spokesperson for the retail angst advocacy group, Consumers Remorse, said Saturday. Locally, sales were reportedly brisk at Dolorous General Store, Big Dismay Mart, Sad, Sloth & Despond and Oys! 'R' Us.
"Yes, for Christmas, Santa only brought me the blues," explained 48-year-old Siddhartha Suttree, a Fourth & Gill resident and pre-dawn shopper at Dolorous General. "I felt like I needed some dismay to go with my emptiness and despair. So I ended up here, figuring I could get a good deal on next season's gloom, but I'm so melancholy, I suppose I'll pay whatever they ask."
Felicity Ebullians, Dolorous's Special Liaison for Customer Appreciation, Satisfaction & Contentment, said Sutree had come to the right place for deals on doldrums.
"For bargains on post-holiday blues, we have some fantastic savings," she said. "For example, this year we're offering a year-end closeout on despondency. Plus, we have significant mark-downs on buyer's remorse, two-for-one deals on partier's regret and a clearance sale on all dieter's guilt."
At Sad, Sloth & Despond, Harmon Hillari, manager of customer courtesy & felicitations, doorbusters, said customers seeking grief and woe were leaving his store well satisfied...
12/24
Tennesseans Can't Afford Health, Says State Lawmaker
"...And government health care programs make me sick!" proclaims RamsayFrom APB reports. NASHVILLE - Republican state Senate speaker and gubernatorial candidate Ron Ramsey insists Tennesseans can't afford to be healthy and wants to prevent "unhealthy" government interference in citizens' constitutional right to be as sick as they want to be.
In a press conference on Tuesday, Ramsey said that he considers himself a champion of constitutionally protected unhealthiness and will look for any excuse to defend Tennesseans from government-mandated health care.
"There are lots of issues with health care in general, but government-mandated health care will make you sick to your stomach," said Ramsey of Blountville. "Tennessee is one of the most unhealthy states in the union, and we understand we can't afford to offer health care to the least among us, just willy-nilly, because if we start helping prevent ill-health among the poor, they'll just always expect us to do it. We need to protect our right to ill-health, so we want to find some way we can opt out of the federal health care legislation."
Speaker Ramsey, who also carries the titles of Grand Pasha of Preventing Raised Expectations Among the Poor; Supreme Potentate of Preventing Ethics Among State Legislators; Knight of the Most Excellent Order of State's Rightists, Defender of State Gun Rights, Sub-Order of the Crossed Smoking AK-47s, Second Class, Citation for Gallantry in the Cause (Chevrons with Ammo Clips, sans Safety Catch); Imperial Poobah of Out-Conservative-ing Everyone to the Left of Zach Wamp; and Lieutenant Governor, said he is making the request both in his current roles and in any future capacities he may hold...
12/22
Feds May Mandate More Ash Spills to Stimulate Economy
"Look at the booming business in Roane County," says federal officialFrom APB reports. KNOXVILLE - With a new year dawning and the federal government still seeking ways to spend its way to prosperity, the U.S. Economic Prodding Agency will announce the first-ever federal standards for the storage of coal ash that may include mandated ash spills to provide economic opportunities for cleanup companies.
Although the federal government declined to pitch in funds for the Kingston coal-ash cleanup that occurred last year, Mazumah Hanover-Fyste, director of the federal program, Bailin' Our Way, Theoretically Anyway, Out of Unemployment & Recession, Mindful Always of Serious Taxation & Electoral Realities & Setbacks (BOWTAOURMASTERS), said if enough ash spills occurred for ash-spill cleanup to become an industry, it might then be deemed worthy of a bailout.
"What you have to understand is that we only give bailouts to entities too big to fail that failed," explained Hanover-Fyste. "If coal-ash cleanups grow to that standard, we'd gladly look into mortgaging another generation to pay for those costs today. That's why we think mandating coal-ash spills could be just the new opportunity required to jumpstart this economy."
As evidence for the positive economic impact coal-ash cleanups could provide, Hanover-Fyste pointed to Roane County Executive Mike Farmer's statement that the county had a "mini-economic boom" right after the Kingston spill, as local contractors got involved with TVA in the cleanup.
"Mini-economic boom,' that's the operative term," said Hanover-Fyste. "If a coal-ash spill could provide a mini-economic boost to this county, think what kind of boost a thousand coal-ash spills across the country could give to the national economy..."
12/19
Ash Spill Prompts TVA to Erect Data Dams
"We have to prevent the public from being inundated with information," says CEOFrom APB reports. KNOXVILLE - The Kingston coal fly ash spill weighed heavily in the decision to raise the elevation of its public relations barriers to meet the threat of a catastrophic, and highly likely, flood of requests for information, TVA President and CEO Kilmore Trout acknowledged Friday.
The likelihood of a disaster actually happening that would cause the magnitude of open-record requests that TVA projected in a computer model is remote. But TVA is determined to be prepared to shut down all information leaks in the event of a so-called "perfect storm" public-relations event, Trout told reporters during a news conference at TVA headquarters in Knoxville.
Prior to Dec. 22, 2008, the possibility seemed remote that TVA would be forced to work overtime to deflect unpleasant questions and massage messages about why a holding pond at the Kingston Fossil Plant collapsed and released 5.4 million cubic yards of coal fly ash into the Emory River and across 300 acres of Roane County landscape...
12/18
KUB Hires TVA as Tree-Gutting Consultant
TVA looking to expand core incompetencies, says TVA CEO Kilmore TroutFrom APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Facing an angry backlash from a public upset by its tree-mangling practices, KUB is bringing in an expert with unhappy customers to advise it: The Tennessee Valley Authority.
"TVA is already facing significant unpopularity for all of their missteps in the previous year with their coal-ash spill, their attempts to downplay the severity of the release and so forth. So having them guide us on our tree-gutting program seems an extremely logical path forward," said Susan B. Anthony, the utility's vice president of scrupulously responsible environmental stewardship, achingly sincere communications and unwaveringly harmonious community relations. Her statements came after the utility company's Board of Commissioners unanimously adopted a resolution to establish a Rootin'-Tootin' Root-'n'-Branch Tree-Guttin' Policy Panel.
"We'd like to get started quickly," said Anthony. "It's critical that we have someone to divert blame to," she added, noting that KUB would like tree experts, neighborhood associations and environmental groups, among others, to take their complaints directly to TVA when they are displeased with their tree-gutting service...
12/15
Commission to Cut Babies in Half
Compromise measure will allow commissioners to split infantsEditor's note: this story replaces a story entitled, "Commissioners Whiff on Questioning Ragsdale Over Kosovo Trip"
From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - In a startling diversion from its original topic, after indulging in lengthy deliberations over Knox County's recall provision, Knox County Commission yesterday voted itself the authority to cut infants in half to reach compromises. The motion passed on a 15-4 vote after spirited debate that included dire predictions of electoral Armageddon if babies weren't cut in half.
The surprising developments came after commission apparently lost itself in the discussion of its original motion, lowering the threshold of signatures needed to trigger a recall election. That subject was brought by Commissioner Richard Briggs, who initially wanted to make it easier to recall officeholders by lowering the threshold from 15 percent of registered voters to at least 3 or 4 of the 6 or 7 voters who cast ballots in the election in question...
12/12
Knox County Defends 'Hostess Twinkie' Program
Charges of being fattening, addictive unfair say officialsFrom APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Knox County's use of Hostess Twinkies® to lure businesses to the area has come under fire as being "unfair competition" as well as being unhealthy and potentially addictive, according to critics of the practice. Knox County officials insist, however, that the snack cake program violates no business regulations, and, taken in moderation, the confections represent no more of a health threat than any other calorie-laden, sugary dessert. They also deny assertions that the snack food program's inventory has been seriously depleted by county employees who return from breaks with severe attacks of the munchies.
The Hostess Twinkie program came under fire after photographs surfaced of what appeared to be two Knox County Hostess Twinkies standing outside the Kosovo Minister of Economic Development's window holding up signs reading "Једу ми." (Roughly translated, the phrase means, "Your taste buds will be pleasantly stimulated by our delicious cream filling!") Knox County Commissioner Paul Pinkston said the photographs were clear evidence that the business recruiting practices of Knox County Mayor Mike Ragsdale's administration are unethical...
12/10
That Giant Swooshing Sound You Hear...
...is the fabled "winds of same" blowing through the Tennessee ValleyFrom APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Although some thought it caused by more promises of change from President Obama, the giant swooshing sound heard throughout the region yesterday was actually caused by locally produced "winds of same."
"Several converging upheavals in the local scene concentrated across a short time span spawned a maelstrom of much-a-do-do-about-nothing that caused a great disturbance in the farce, which in turn manifested itself as the much-ballyhooed 'Winds of Same,'" explained Senior Mediocrologist Sven Wicked. "All the keening and wailing of the people experiencing excruciating sameness probably contributed, too..."
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