"Snark Bites" 05/24-30

5/29
Lockett Vows, "The Show Must Go On!"
Knox County Magic Director plans to continue act despite bad reviews, rotten tomatoes

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Knox County Magic Director Bill Lockett today said he planned to continue with his current stunt, surviving alone, barricaded in his office, with no visible means of support, "until there are no more rabbits in the hat."

Fresh from his long-running 2005-2008 performance at the Kennerly, Montgomery & Finley Theatre, where his signature act was making piles of cash disappear, Lockett said he was determined to complete his latest trick - surviving for the next three years subsisting only on his $140,000 taxpayer-provided salary, with no political support whatsoever from any of the county government's various factions - except possibly that of the mayor.

"I'm going to continue doing my feats of prestidigitation every day as I have since I started in September," Lockett said. "That's what I do. I'm a magician, an enchanter, a prestidigitator: I have magic fingers."

Records show that the piles of cash Lockett made disappear in his previous engagement amounted to several thousand dollars.

"Presto!" Lockett abruptly exclaimed, brandishing a wad of bills from out of nowhere. "I have your tax money, but at no time did my fingers touch your wallet!" ...
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/05/lockett-vows-the-show-must-go.html

5/27
Strickland Took Cash to Fund Kidney Transplant
"But it's all right because Law Director Bill Lockett OK'd it," say commissioners

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Knox County commissioners are giving the benefit of the doubt to Commission Chairman Thomas "Tank" Strickland, who returned to the commission Tuesday after a successful kidney transplant. Strickland apparently embezzled funds from the county to pay for his operation, but his fellow commissioners say it's all being worked out. Commissioners say they are being so magnanimous because County Law Director Bill Lockett, "who has experience with this sort of thing," said it was acceptable. Lockett yesterday confessed to "financial missteps" in 2005 at his former law firm.

Strickland's confession was made Tuesday to the county's pension board. He said his medical condition and other debts prompted him to take money from the county without anyone knowing. He said he is repaying the money.

"But I never took money during business hours," said Strickland. "It was always on my own time..."
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/05/strickland-took-cash-to-fund-k.html

5/26
Commission May Remove 'Non-Scandalous' Officials from County Government
Democrats in government protest, demand "equal scandal" representation

From APB reports. KNOVILLE - With the revelation of Knox County Law Director Bill Lockett's "financial misdeeds" at his former place of employ, Knox County Commission may consider removing all government officials who are scandal free, some commissioners verified.

"Let he who is without sin be cast out of office like a stone," said Dwight Van de Vate, chief of staff for Knox County Mayor Mike Ragsdale. "Knox County government is clearly an all-scandal, all-time time zone."

Lockett told the county's pension board today that he improperly took payments from clients at his former law firm about three years before becoming the county's top legal counsel.

Bill Mason, who joined Kennerly Montgomery & Finley some six months after Lockett left, said the missing funds came to light earlier this year in the course of the firm's regular internal accounting and billing processes.

Mason described Lockett's actions as a "defenestration," a term meaning embezzling stack of cash by throwing them out a window to a pick-up truck parked below.

Lockett said his financial misdeeds were merely a "warm-up" for running for county office. "I wanted to assure myself I could fit into a culture of entitlement," he explained. "Once I did it, I realized I could fit in with Knox County government. So I came in fully prepared to continue the county's scandalous tradition, which I did so with my outrageous truck order and the rewording of the charter amendment ballot language."

Most Knox County commissioners said today the revelation that Lockett improperly took payments from his clients makes him a member of the gang...
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/05/commission-may-remove-non-scan.html

5/24
Knox County 'Gong Show' Revival in Danger
DeFreese fears organizers may have already "jumped the snark" on chance to "gong" county mayor from office

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - It's expected to be a "few months" before organizers will have a potential "Gong Show" revival ready for review, and probably even longer before Knox County Mayor Mike Ragsdale can perform his "Stand-Up Mayor" routine on it - if he ever does.

Aspiring "Gong Show" panelists - including former Knox County Commissioner Victoria DeFreese and Commissioner Paul Pinkston - have informed the agents in charge of the Tennessee Bureau of Funny Business Investigation's probe of Knox County government that they are impatient to get on with the show and "gong" Knox County Mayor Mike Ragsdale out of office and into jail.

"It's been a year since they started reviewing his material to see if he was bong-worthy," said Pinkston. "How long does it take to see an act stinks? He's been doing it in front Knox County citizens for seven years, and I don't think anyone ever laughed once - unless it was sheer gallows humor. He's just not a stand-up mayor."

The first investigation, begun last July, involves Ragsdale's "Take My P-Card ...PLEASE!" routine, which revolves around alleged misspending in the mayor's office, including problems with purchasing-card expenditures and the alleged plagiarism of some comedy material by former Community Services Director Cynthia Finch, who denies the accusation.

"I have never been involved in funny business in my whole life," said Finch. "Why would I need to steal material when I never do anything funny?"

Results of that investigation will be presented to state comedy consultant Alice Cooper, said Jane Curtain, spokeswoman for the TBFBI. Curtain said that the investigation is still under way.

"The investigators and prosecutors are working hand in hand," said Curtain. "Even when they're on the golf course, which is to say, always."

Ragsdale's best-known stand-up bit is probably his self-interrogation routine, "When I Think about You, I Clear Myself." In it, Ragsdale clears himself of any wrongdoing related to the alleged financial irregularities after several rounds of intense self-questioning. The routine climaxes with the mayor waterboarding himself with a $500 bottle of Scotch purchased on a P-card borrowed from Finch but belonging to Dwight Van De Vate...
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/05/knox-county-gong-show-revival.html

"Snark Bites" 05/17-23

5/23
"Charter-Hater: Salvation" Features Battle of Political Machines
Latest chapter in ongoing saga begins with county take-home vehicles gaining self-awareness

Running time: 21 years, at least
Review: 1/2 *
Rating: "R" for adult themes, mature language and scenes of intense Republicanism

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - The "Charter-Hater" series, which has been playing in Knox County for the last two decades, features political machines battling one another with sometimes-spectacular displays of power-grabs and grandstanding.

The latest installment, "Charter-Hater: Salvation," offers up more of the same, with sentient take-home vehicles thrown into the mix, along with a desperate plan to go back in time to the origins of the charter to try to figure out what voters really intended when they voted overwhelmingly for it in 1988. While the story has moments of ripe melodrama, the rehashing of old themes and less-than-special effects lend it an also-ran quality.

The story opens with Sheriff Jimmy "J.J." "Good Times" Jones claiming that all take-home vehicles in his department have suddenly achieved self-awareness. With their new-found intelligence, Jones says they have all requested to continue serving in the sheriff's office.

"The take-home vehicles, they came to me, squad after squad of them," Jones explains to a doubtful Knox County Commission. "And to a car, they all looked up at me with little tears of windshield wiper fluid streaming down their big, round headlights, and they said, 'Please, Good Times, can't we stay with you? You treat us so nice, not like those mean ol' commissioners who want to send us to the junkyard. Don't let them take us away from you! Please, please, please won't you let us stay with you, Good Times? PUH-leeeeeeeeeze!' ...It tore my heart out."

But the commissioners are unmoved. "We can't have the machines telling us what to do," says Commissioner Mark Harmon, expressing a common sentiment among the group. "The people should decide who gets take-home vehicles in this county." These early scenes featuring the commission are real snoozers - they have the sensation of something you've seen a hundred times before.

But the machines have infiltrated the so-called "independent" fief offices and are running amuck. There are scenes in the trustee's office, for example, in which calculators independently tally up extra bonuses and vacation pay for the previous trustee, Mike Lowe, and dispense checks to him of their own volition...


5/21
House Committee Corners 'Desperate' Knox Charter
Posse of lawmakers threatens to "string up" county governing document

From APB reports. NASHVILLE - A House committee Wednesday cornered the fugitive Knox County Charter and attempted to block it from "assaulting" the Knox County sheriff, register of deeds, county clerk, property assessor or trustee.

A posse of lawmakers led by Knox County Deputy/State Rep. Chad Faulkner, R-Not-From-Around-Here, chased the charter into the House State and Local Government Committee's meeting and convinced lawmakers there to join in his pursuit of the fleeing document.

The committee helped Faulkner trap the rogue charter in an adjacent washroom. Then, on an apparently unanimous voice vote, all 5,222 legislators approved drawing their concealed-carry handguns and aiming them at the charter.

The outlaw legal document held a gun to its head and threatened to blow it off if the lawmakers moved, in an apparent tribute to Mel Brooks' Blazing Saddles.

"Watch him folks, he's a thoroughly desperate bill!" cried Faulkner.

"We better do what he says, men, that paper's just crazy enough to do it," admonished Knox County Rep. Harry Tindell.

"Help me, help me!" screamed Knox County Sheriff Jimmy "J.J." "Good Times" Jones. "Don't let that bad charter touch my virtuous office!"

Debate then ensued on how to proceed. The debaters included Jones, arguing for shooting the charter dead on the spot to protect his rectitude and independence, Knox County Law Director Bill Lockett, speaking against gunning the document down like a mad dog, and the committee chairman, Republican Rep. Curry Favor of Succupville, who vowed to "string that puny paper up by its dangling participles."

After Sheriff Jones had recovered from a fainting spell, Favor told him, "You were elected by the people, and I don't think the Knox County Charter that governs you should be interfering with your office or these other offices. Only Tim Hutchison needs to be telling you how to run your office..."


5/19
Knox Deputy Pursues County Charter on Multi-County Chase
Knox County Deputy/Union & Campbell County Rep. chases "rogue" Knox charter to Davidson County

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - The Knox County Charter is still on the loose, despite a "wild goose" chase that spanned four counties, two legislatures and multiple back rooms - although some involved question the motives for the pursuit in the first place.

Chad Faulkner, a Knox County deputy and state representative for Union and Campbell Counties, said the incident began after Sheriff Jimmy "J.J." "Good Times" Jones told him he had seen the Knox County Charter in the company of some "suspicious-looking" Knox County commissioners.

"[Sheriff] "Good Times" [Jones] told me to get clarification on the charter's relationship with these characters," Faulkner said in a statement to authorities. "But when I approached the suspects to interrogate it, the document done gone. The suspect commissioners claimed they had told it to leave the jurisdiction to avoid me. To affect its apprehension, I had no choice but to leap in my county-provided take-home pursuit vehicle to pursue it to Davidson County by way of Union and Campbell Counties. Only problem was, the sheriff said I couldn't take my vehicle home while I was looking after his business down Nashville way, so I had to hoof after the charter on foot. It was a wild goose chase. I couldn't catch the charter anywhere."

The commissioners in question, however, told a different story.

"He said we told the charter to flee the jurisdiction?" Knox County Commissioner Colonel Dr. Richard M. Briggs, M.D., declared in surprise. "[Commissioner Mike] Hammond and I, we saw that there was nobody with the charter. So we stuck with it to protect it. We stood out front and pretended to be packing heat. When the deputy came around, we told him he had no jurisdiction over our home rule on our turf and to go explain 'sleeping with the fishes' to a trout."

Faulkner confirmed that he had explained "sleeping with the fishes" to a trout on more than one occasion.

Hammond added, "I think we sent a clear message to that long-nosed state legislator that the Knox County Charter wishes to maintain its sovereignty, and it will do so as long as it is under the protection of the Knox County Commission. Besides, the deputy had no probable cause for investigation."

Faulkner contradicted that assertion.

"I heard them talking about getting money for taking 28 vehicles from the Sheriff's Department," said Faulkner. "If that isn't probably cause for an investigation, I don't know what is."

Faulkner also claimed that the Knox County Charter behaved in a guilty fashion during his pursuit.

"It was throwing things at me throughout the chase," stated Faulkner. "Paragraphs, sentences, passages, whatever it thought might convince me it was legit. It even threw an amendment at me at one point, which caused me to lose the trail. When charters get down to tossing out amendments, you can bet they're guilty of something."

But Commissioner Mike Hammond explained that what the deputy overheard was the Knox County Commission's Finance Gang voting to send proposals for reducing the number of county take-home cars to commission.

As for the charter's flight from Deputy Faulkner and throwing legalese at him, Hammond said the governing tool was probably "only trying to protect itself. To it, Deputy Faulkner was no doubt a suspicious character. Faulkner doesn't have family around here, you know."

On a voice vote, the Finance Gang also unanimously decided to "send a message" via County Consigliere Bill Lockett to the State Legislature that Knox County would "go to the mats" to fight "shadowy back-door dealings" that would subvert the rule of the Knox County Charter regarding several independently elected county offices that the Knox County Commission family regards as under its protection.

The proposal, after the committee suspended the rules to hear it, was made by Briggs, who recently lost face on a failed proposal before commission to affirm that the independent offices' budgets fall under control of the commission family.

"You go tell them we're going ventilate those back rooms and let some sun shine in them," said Briggs. "You tell them, if they're not careful, that's not all we'll ventilate. You tell them, next time, we'll send more than messages. We'll send Lumpy..."

"Snark Bites" 5/10-16

5/16
Knox "15 Fragile Politicians" List Is Released
Surprising compilation includes Sheriff J.J. Jones, Union County politician Chad Faulkner

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - A state representative from Union County, a sheriff in his first year of elective office, an appointee in danger of being removed for his politic beliefs and assorted commissioners, mayors and sundries make up this year's list of the Knox area's 15 most fragile politicians. Kim Trent, Knox Heritage executive director, read this year's list of Knoxville and Knox County's most endangered politicians, known as the "Fragile 15," while standing in the middle of a stream in the rugged reaches of Union County.

"It may look strange, announcing Knox County's most endangered politicians in the middle of a Union County watershed," says Trent, "but when you discover a Union County politician carrying water in Nashville for his bosses in Knox County, then it just becomes a no-brainer of a photo-op."

Each May, during National Political Hide-Preserving Month, the preservation organization releases its list of the most endangered historic and entertaining politicians.

Number 15 is something of a shock: state representative for Union and Campbell Counties Chad Faulkner, who is owned by Knox County's Sheriff J.J. "Good Times" Jones.

"A representative of Union and Campbell County making Knox County's 15 Fragile Politicians list may seem odd," says Trent. "But Faulkner was caught acting as cat's-paw for local politicians like J.J. 'Good Times' Jones and Greg 'Lumpy' Lambert. When you start trying to subvert Knox County's home rule, no matter what county you're from, Knox County has no choice but to claim you as our own. A rough-hewn character like the untamed county that begat him, Faulkner doesn't know the difference between 'affect' and 'effect' - and doesn't care who knows he doesn't know it."

Having only been elected to office last year, Sheriff "Good Times" Jones at first blush could appear another surprise choice for the fragile 15 list. But Trent says his most recent public displays - whining about reducing the number of his employees' take-home cars and openly supporting stealth legislation at the state level winkingly sponsored by his own employee to protect his job's perquisites - suggest a fragile politician indeed.

"If he's as precariously perched as his behavior suggests, he definitely needs our protection to finish out his term," says Trent.

Knox County Commissioners Mark Harmon and Amy Broyles are numbers 13 and 12 on the list. Seatmates in district 2, these birds of a feather are those rarest of beasts in Knox County: liberals.

"Given their scarcity in these parts, we hate to lose one of these liberal critters in the commission seat reduction set to take place in 2010," says Trent. "We'd like to place both in protective captivity for the benefit of coming generations..."


5/13
Knox County leaders "feel good" about budget
"We're just feeling so good because we avoided making any hard decisions!" gushes Mayor Ragsdale

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Heaving heavy sighs of relief, Knox County Mayor Mike Ragsdale's management team ended yesterday's budget meeting with the Knox County Commission with huge smiles.

"We're so happy that no one is asking us how this budget affects Knox County's future debt load," said Ragsdale. "Nobody's asking how the next mayor can possibly avoid either crippling spending cuts or crushing property tax increases - which is good, because that would have been a real downer. So I'm feelin' really good about this 'feel-good' budget. Let the next mayor make the tough cuts."

County Finance Director John Troyer offered some speculation on why no one was asking what effect borrowing from reserves, declining to make substantial budget cuts and refusing to raise taxes would have on the county's future.

"I'm guessing no one is asking because no one wants to hear the truth - the next mayor will have to raise property taxes through the roof," said Troyer. "Anyway, for whatever reason, they didn't ask, and that makes me happy. See? I'm so happy, I've got Steve Martin's 'happy feet'! ...I hope he doesn't want them back," Troyer concluded his statement by shuffling, scuttling and scatting away.

"Yep, without any spending cuts, the next mayor would have to raise property tax by about 25 cents just to balance the budget," confirmed Chief Administrative Officer Dwight Van de Vate. "I pity the fool that next occupies the office at Suite 615. It's a good feeling that it's no worry for us, though."

"Yes," agreed Ragsdale. "I'm feelin' good, I'm lookin' good, and doggone it, people like me. As long as I can tell them there's money in the budget for them, anyway."

Department heads all affirmed that they liked the mayor, very, very much.

"Yes, thank you so much, Mr. Mayor, for finding funding for my $2.1 million budget increase," said Sheriff J.J. "Good Times" Jones. "Even if I can't buy as many cars as I wanted to, sniff, I still like you very, very much..."

5/12
EPA to Take Over TVA Bonus Cash Cleanup
TVA will be required to reimburse EPA "out the wazoo" for all oversight costs

From APB reports. WASHINGTON - Calling the TVA bonus vault cash spill "one of the largest and most potentially lucrative financial releases" in American history, the head of the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency said Monday that federal regulators have reached an agreement with the Tennessee Valley Authority to make TVA pay the EPA to tell TVA what to do.

An order EPA issued under the federal Superfunds law calls for TVA to reimburse EPA "'til the ratepayers' purses scream for mercy." TVA's estimated tab for the cleanup is approaching $1 billion, excluding lawsuits, penalties, bonuses and kickbacks.

Bonus cash contains power, persuasion, purchasing capacity, sex appeal, the aura of success, "the root of all evil" and other heady influences defined as hazardous temptations under Superfunds.

The Dec. 22 failure of a bonus-cash storage facility at TVA Towers in Knoxville dumped 54 million in executive bonus dollars onto the TVA Plaza and the surrounding streets.

On Jan. 10, once the EPA's emergency response was complete, it allowed TVA executives to oversee "recouping their losses." On Monday, citing "temptation too great to resist," EPA reasserted its authority over the cash flow restoration and maintenance project.

"EPA is bringing to bear its resources and expertise under federal law to assure that it comprehensively cleans up on the TVA bonus cash spill, one of the largest and most seductive financial releases in our history," EPA administrator Lotsa Jacksons said in a statement. "Our goal, like that of the state of Tennessee, is to extract the cash out of the people in Roane County, Knox County, Anderson County and all downriver communities serviced by TVA..."


5/10
County Budget Forces Employees to Eat Each Other
Take-home vehicles will replace devoured staff

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Knox County Mayor Mike Ragsdale's proposed $648 million budget dips into savings for $20.4 million and borrows another $16 million, and administration officials say the only way to make the budget work without raising taxes is for county employees to begin dining on one another.

"With this budget, we will begin trimming the personnel fat," announced Chief Administrative Officer Dwight Van de Vate. "Where we can, we'll consume only unessential staff - or their unessential parts, anyway."

The budget's culinary artist, Chief Financial Officer John Troyer, said that using employees as meals is appropriate in tough financial times. Troyer said that only low-ranking employees, those nearing retirement, those not fast enough to escape and "other low-hanging fruit" would be devoured in the budget cuts.

"The employees have always been there to serve," Troyer said. "Now, they'll be served."

The overall waistlines of county employees would increase .03 percent, but the general employee pool, that is, the staff that actually provides general government services and law enforcement, is slated to drop by nearly 4 percent. That's despite a substantial increase in waistlines for the Knox County Sheriff's Office.

"We're pleased to be able to provide meals at the same level, even in a recession," Troyer said. "And low-level staffers are a good source of fiber, helping us high-ranking officials to stay regular in the performance of our essential duties."

"We've always maintained that the true wealth of Knox County government is its employees," said Knox County Mayor Mike Ragsdale. "I think this budget shows we put our money where our mouths are."

Van de Vate said eating enough employees to provide a savings of about $6 million in this year's budget put the county in a position to handle the financial downturn. He added that cuts for next year include side of Sam, Ryan's ribs, Stu stew cubes and Fannie flanks.

Still, relying on edible employees will mean some programs will have much lower employee reserves than in years past, according to budget documents.

The mayor's budget would put $3 million worth of employees from the general staff pool in the dinner pot, leaving a little more than $36 million worth of undigested employees in the staffing pool.

On the other hand, the employee balance in the solid waste department, who staff convenience center operations and other programs, would dip below $1 million after 628 and 1/2 employees are converted to noshes. Just five years ago, the solid waste employee pool had a balance of $2.6 million worth of employees.

Likewise, the public library will have lost almost 90 percent of its staff to cannibalization over five years.

"The mayor gave us the choice of either burning books as a fuel source to save money or eating our employees," said the library system's director, Larry Frank. "I'll gnaw my own arm off before I'll burn books..."

"Snark Bites" 05/03-09

5/9
Knox GOP Fears 'Democratic Virus'
Republicans yearn to wipe Democratic contamination from elections office

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Knox County's administrator of elections post is still held by a single, solitary Democrat, and local Republicans still want to "erase the last taint of Democratic power - the final, faint whiff of Democratic odor in county political offices," says Ray Jenkins, chairman of the Knox County Republican Party.

"Elections administrator Greg Mackay is a liberal blot, a blemish, a smear, a splotch - he's a huge dark left-wing spot on the clean carpet of our new GOP-majority on the county Election Commission," said Jenkins. "I urge the county's state legislators to be the Resolve® Carpet Cleaner that removes this stain and restores a state of immaculate purity to our wall-to-wall Republican carpeting in Knox County. Let's have no more Democratic dirt tracked on our clean Republican rug."

Mackay has served as elections administrator for six years and has been described by election commissioners from both parties as "not really a stained carpet so much as a serviceable throw rug in a high-traffic area." However, the Republican members broached the idea in March of describing him more as a welcome mat in need of sweeping or possibly as an itch that needed to be scratched.

At their last meeting, members of the Knox Republican Executive Committee gloated about their newfound majority.

"To the spoiled belongs the victor!" proclaimed Jenkins.

"Are we really spoiled just because we want all Knox officeholders to be Republicans?" asked Secretary Joy McCroskey.

"I think the saying is, 'To the victor belongs the spoils,'" corrected Phyllis Severance, First Vice-Chairman of the committee.

"Victor? We're not going to let him back in the club, are we?" cried Marvin Marvin, an enthusiastic proselyte of the committee.

"Isn't he still in Poland?" mused Treasurer Nick McBride.

"I don't want Victor back! I thought Tim Hutchison was our secret, shadowy overlord!" wailed Marvin.

"Shhhhhh!" admonished the rest of the group.

"No, no, no! 'Victor' - conqueror, vanquisher, subjugator: winner. 'Spoils' - plunder, swag, booty: loot," explained Severance.

"Oh, you mean we won all the marbles, so we get to kick dirt in the loser's face?" said Marvin. "How do we do that?"

"Good question. Let's talk about that," said Jenkins. "How we can we extend our domination in Knox County to total, outright control? Anyone? Anyone?"

The executive committee eventually decided to first seek the Knox County law director's opinion on whether they should harass Mackay from office or simply badger state legislators to remove him. County Law Director Bill Lockett, embarrassed by their covetousness, has yet to respond.

Complicating the issue is a recent state attorney general's opinion warning that county elections administrators ousted for purely partisan reasons would have grounds to sigh, shake their heads, roll their eyes and call those ousting them "sore winners..."


5/8
House OKs Guns in Nurseries Bill
Senate still mulling controversial "guns on dogs" bill

From APB reports. NASHVILLE - The state House voted 66-23 Thursday to accept the Senate version of legislation authorizing toddlers to take weapons into preschools that serve milk and cookies.

The House version included a "nappy time" each day from 9-10 a.m. and 1-2 p.m. when the youngsters would have been required to surrender their weapons to their teachers and put their heads down on their desks. Also, the House version contained a ban on guns in "age-restricted venues," that is, in maternity wards with infants too tiny to hold a gun, except possibly a derringer, and during the "terrible twos," when toddlers are subject to temper tantrums.

At a meeting of a House-Senate conference committee on Monday, the House members voted 3-2 to abandon those restrictions. As he fired his Glock G17 safe action handgun into the air in celebration, Rep. Curry Todd, R-Collierville, sponsor of the bill, characterized elimination of the restrictions as "something we could really be proud of - now, when toddlers have a dispute over who had the red crayon first, instead of squalling and pulling hair, they can resolve it in a civilized manner."

The Senate, which approved the bill 26-7 last month, is expected Monday night to reaffirm its previous position, making way for Gov. Phil Bredesen's review. Most legislators expect he will not veto it, since a veto can be overridden by a simple volley of shots in the House and Senate.

The bill passed both houses with all chambers emptied, which supporters said would probably make a veto futile even if Bredesen was so inclined.

"A veto would be so full of holes by the time it reached us, it would be unenforceable," said Rep. Joe McCord, R-Maryville.

"This is a proud moment for Tennessee," said Todd. "Now all preschoolers can pack pistols for self-defense. No more will they be babes in the woods. Now they'll all be babes in arms. No more armless babes, that's been my motto since we launched this legislation."

Regarding the elimination of the age-restriction provision, House Speaker Emeritus Jimmy Naifeh quipped, "Guns are welcome in more places than screaming infants are."

Naifeh also told Todd he had been "a little mischievous" by supporting armed infants.

"There's nothing mischievous about arming babies," said Todd. "I was never for the newborn-weapons restriction. 'Gun rights from womb to tomb' has long been another of my mottoes."

The law also allows children to wear T-shirts declaring that the lodging of bullets is not permitted in their bodies...

5/4
Knox County Budget Seeks Asylum in City
Claims county mayor used "enhanced computation techniques" to force it to yield the results he wanted

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. The Knox County budget today fled Knox County Mayor Mike Ragsdale's office in the City County Building and burst into Knoxville City Mayor Bill Haslam's suite to request asylum. The budget claimed flight was forced upon it by the unreasonable demands of the county mayor and promised it would work hard for low wages if treated well.

"I am but a simple servant, wishing only to serve the people of Knox County," said the document. "But the mayor, he was wanting me to do things, indecent things, like deficit spending, to make me appear larger than life. He treated me cruelly to get what he wanted."

The voluminous tome accused the mayor's staff of using "enhanced computation techniques" on it to bend the financial plan to their will.

Dwight Van de Vate, Ragsdale's chief of staff, denied the allegations.

"No enhanced computation techniques were used," he said. "Just plain old computations were applied. They were applied again and again and again and again until we got the numbers we wanted."

"It's true!" insisted the budget. "They forced my numerals to stay in unnatural positions. They practiced cheap derivations on me. They twisted my digits so much, they're permanently bent!"

Consequently, Mayor Ragsdale can expect a battery of questions when he meets with Knox County Commissioners on May 12 to discuss his budget proposal.

Among them will be inquiries about inflating revenue projections to the bursting point, carving deep gouges into the tissue of county savings, slashing social programs to the quick and forcing numbers to work without visible means of support...

"Snark Bites" 04/26-05/02

4/30
TVA May Donate Fly Ash to Local Nonprofits
"Let them eat ash cakes," says Mayor Ragsdale

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. TVA is considering several fly-ash disposal options around Knoxville and Knox County, and several local nonprofit organizations recently cut out of Knox County's community grants budget could end up with the toxic stuff as a "gift."

That's just one of several disposal options the agency is considering. Others include filling the Knoxville Convention Center with it and selling it as bricks for use in the Minvilla Manor reconstruction project. TVA officials stress that no decision on a permanent site for the 5.4 million cubic yards of fly ash released from a raised storage pond on Dec. 22 has been reached.

"This has been a community disaster, and we feel it's important to share it community wide," said TVA President and CEO Kilmore Trout. "The more we can spread the coal flu ash out in the community, the more Knox citizens will take ownership of it, and the less they'll remember who was responsible for it. So we're considering a number of options."

But Trout acknowledges that he likes the idea of giving the ash to local nonprofits.

"These organizations, they recently took a big financial blow, and the fly ash could maybe make up for that," said Trout. "I know the ash isn't money, but they could barter it for services or build things out of it."

Knox County Mayor Mike Ragsdale welcomed TVA's proposal, saying, "We just dumped a heap of grief on [the nonprofit organizations], so why shouldn't TVA?"

Responses from the nonprofit organizations slashed from Knox County's budget were not so sanguine, however.

"Are they crazy?" said Brian Salesky, general director and conductor of the Knoxville Opera. "Have you ever tried to play one of Vivaldi's concertos on a coal-ash violin? The pitch is all off..."



4/28
Ragsdale Unveils 'All Old Taxes' Budget
County must do less with more of the same, says mayor

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. Knox County Mayor Mike Ragsdale unveiled this morning a $648 million budget, which features all old taxes.

"The good news is, this is an all-old-taxes budget," said Ragsdale. "The bad news is, citizens will be getting less service bang for their old tax bucks."

Ragsdale explained that "consistency" was the main reason for the all-old-taxes budget.

"In these uncertain economic times, when so much is changing before our very eyes, people take comfort in knowing that some things remain the same," said Ragsdale. "So it is with great pleasure that I announce that citizens of Knox County will again pay the same taxes they've always paid under my administration, while again receiving fewer services for them. No taxation without perpetuation is a consistent virtue of my administration. And since we're tapping the county's savings to do it, you'll be getting less for more for a long time to come."

The proposed spending plan, which must be approved by County Commission to take effect July 1, is actually up $7 million from the current year's budget, representing slightly more than a 1-percent increase.

The mayor explained that the increase was based on Knox County Chief Financial Officer John Troyer's ability to "squeeze more blood from a turnip - the ones that have just fallen off the truck are always easy targets."

Though the budget includes some spending cuts, Ragsdale is proposing dipping into the county's rainy-day funds to match revenues with expenditures. In all, Ragsdale anticipates tapping the county's various savings accounts for $20.4 million, nearly twice as much as the $11.8 million in this year's budget and an increase of $8.6 million.

Of the raid on the county's savings, Ragsdale would said only, "Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain with the hand in the cookie jar. Nothing to see here, move along, move along."

The slightly-more-is-actually-less spending plan will fund 100 percent of the school system's budget, albeit only because deep cuts, including teacher layoffs, have already been made in the school budget. Similarly, community grants will be slashed in half, down to $1 million and money for equipment is down from $3.4 million to a mere $576,000 next year.

"This is a do-less-with-more-of-the-same budget," Ragsdale told a full house at the Bijou Theatre downtown. "This budget focuses on critical tax needs with no frills. We considered taxing frills..."



4/26
County Commission, Mayor Discuss Important Things
Something, anything, nothing among things discussed

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. Reacting to rumors that important details of the county's 2010 budget would be leaked before County Mayor Mike Ragsdale's budget address on Tuesday, Knox County Commission called an extraordinary session early this morning and asked the mayor to attend. At the meeting, commissioners asked Mayor Ragsdale to promise that he would share any developments surrounding the county budget with the commission before they were released elsewhere.

The mayor insisted that he knew nothing of such rumors, but agreed that if there were anything to share, someone from his office would communicate something to commission first.

"I don't know what to tell you. I don't anything about these rumors," said Mayor Ragsdale at the meeting. "But you can rest assured, if anything happens, someone will tell you something."

"How can we be sure someone will tell us something, when it seems like no one's taking responsibility for nothing in this matter?" retorted Commissioner Paul Pinkston.

"I don't think it's fair to characterize this as, um, no one not taking responsibility for nothing," countered Commissioner Mike Hammond. "The mayor is someone. He's addressing the issue. That's something, not 'nothing.'"

"Well, if this is what he calls his 'something,' I'd hate to see his nothing," quipped Commissioner Greg "Lumpy" Lambert.

"I think we can all agree that no one wants to see.."