Left on the Right Planet

Some schtick I was noodling with that'll never amount to anything. So I thought I'd deposit it here (and elsewhere). It might elicit a chortle or two. Thus,

Left on the Right Planet

I'm left-handed.

So I came across a NYT review of a 1992 book that says left-handed people have a life expectancy nine years shorter than right-handed people.
(http://tinyurl.com/pa52n)

The world's already made for right-handed people. Everything is designed for right-handed people to use: can openers, scissors, computer keyboards, golf clubs, guitars, drill presses, industrial meat slicers -- and let me tell you, you don't want to operate a right-handed industrial meat slicer left-handed.

Unless you already cut your right hand off. In which case, you're a klutz and deserve whatever happens to you.

And you guys get nine more years of life? It isn't fair!

It's a right-handed world. Everything is right-handed. Cars. Cars are designed for right-handed people. If I ever had enough money to buy a Lamborghini -- not that I would -- but if I ever had enough money to buy a Lamborghini, it wouldn't be designed for the convenience of newly wealthy, left-handed me.

No.

It would be designed for the convenience of some right-handed dentist from fuckin' Farragut having a mid-life crisis, who'd total it right out of the show room while lighting his cigar with his right hand and adjusting the volume on his cell phone with the left.

And he gets an extra decade of life too?

And doesn't-phone-and-drive, left-handed me gets to die early?

It isn't fair that right handers get the whole planet built around their needs and then get a decade more of life added to boot. Right-handers should get more life expectancy penalties for certain behaviors.

For instance, lung cancer is a leading cause of death in the U.S., and smoking is the smoking gun in lung cancer right? You know how many years smoking knocks off the life expectancy of a right-handed U.S. male? 2.3.

2.3 years.

That means that damn right-handed, cigar-smoking dentist's got a life expectancy of 72.7 years compared to 66 years for pink-lunged, left-handed me!

And that means left-handedness is 4 times as lethal as smoking!

That ain't right. Dammit, you know what I mean!

OK, so obviously, this book review got me all worked up. And I decided I'd better find out more about left-handedness. So I did a little more looking on the internet...

...and found that more left-handed people are gay. (http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases...0710071931.htm)

Now, I'm comfortable with my heterosexual orientation, and I'm comfortable with others' sexual orientation too, whatever it may be. But, still...

...I decided to figure out a way to extend my heterosexual life expectancy.

So I took up smoking. With my right hand. I figured that would add at least 6.7 years to my life.

But I kept masturbating with my left hand. But only while looking at pictures of right-handed women. I figured that would ensure everlasting heterosexuality.

And...I found out you shouldn't masturbate and smoke at the same time. You get confused about which hand’s doing the stroke and from which hand you’re sucking the smoke.

Now I'm wondering about my sexual orientation...