"Snark Bites" 06/21-27

6/26
Cheeto War 'Harmful' to County, Officials Say
Hammond wants dietitian to settle Ragsdale-Walls snack battle

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Key Knox County officials said Thursday an escalating junk-food dispute between county Mayor Mike Ragsdale and county Auditor Richard Walls has become personal and is damaging to county food consumption.

Joe Carcello, chairman of the Knox County Audit Committee, said the mayor and auditor's relationship is poisoned - and so possibly are their Cheetos - and Commissioner Mike Hammond has called for a professional dietitian to settle their differences.

Ragsdale and Walls have been hurling the cheesy bits of salty goodness at each other for months. But now, observers say, the food fight is intensifying. Reportedly, the mayor called Walls "Cheeto-breath" and Walls shot back, with devastating accuracy, "Cheeter!"

Walls, who favors the baked puffs, says the mayor, a fried curls devotee, brought a giant-size bag of off-brand fried cheese snacks to Walls' office the next day and threatened to make the accountant "eat it." The mayor denies that version of events, saying Walls had talked about buying some of the delicious curly cheese bites from him, and Ragsdale had merely thought the extra-large bag of cut-rate cheese doodles was a good way for Walls to economize.

"The food feud is personal and gastronomical," said Carcello, Ernst & Young professor of accounting and co-founder and director of research for the Corporate Snack Consumption Center at the University of Tennessee - and a plain potato chips man himself. "Clearly, Richard dislikes Ragsdale's Cheetos and Ragsdale dislikes Richard's Cheetos - but they both love their Cheetos. There's personal animosity between them - and no snack food is safe in the midst of that simmering testosterone. Any time you see two guys attack each other with junk food, you know its personal. I'm not sure they need a dietitian. They may need a psychologist."

The animosity between the two sides was ratcheted up a notch Wednesday when Walls filed a sworn complaint with the county Ethics Committee, accusing the mayor of bringing bags of "crushed and mangled" baked Cheetos to him and eliminating Walls' 2010 Cheeto budget and giving that snack money to the Audit Committee.

"Those puffy Cheetos seem pretty harmless, but those fried ones, they're like little cudgels," said Hammond, who has a fondness for M&Ms. "If you went to whaling on someone with one of those, you might leave some bruises. But what if they escalate to Doritos? Those chips have sharp points, which could really do some damage. Other snack items could be equally harmful. That's why I favor M&Ms - they melt in your mouth, not whop you up side the head..."
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/06/cheeto-war-harmful-to-county-o.html

6/25
Mayor, Auditor Agree: "We Need Fresh Outrages"
Headline-deprived duo says TVA, law director getting too much attention

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Saying TVA and Knox County's law director were getting entirely too much media attention, Knox County's auditor and mayor yesterday accused each other of wrongdoing in an effort to attract interest.

County Auditor Richard Walls alleged Knox County Mayor Mike Ragsdale knocked him down, stole his lunch money and spread mean rumors about him with the in-crowd in county government. Ragsdale countered that abusing Walls was the only way he could get the media's focus off Knox County Law Director Bill Lockett.

At a press conference, Ragsdale blamed "lazy media persons" for his actions against Walls, saying reporters were not "dutifully attending to ongoing outrages" in the mayor's office.

"If you would just pay more attention to me, you'd have plenty of scandal to report on, without resorting to the likes of the law director," exclaimed the clearly exasperated Ragsdale.

"We're having to fight for coverage here," continued Ragsdale. "I mean, where's my coverage? Look it, a couple of days ago, the county redistricting fight was on the front page - and those fight don't hold a candle to some of my barn-burners with commission - although if half of what was said in those redistricting meetings got reported, I'd probably never get back in the headlines. Hoo-boy, that Commissioner Carringer, she's a firecracker, isn't she?" ...
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/06/mayor-auditor-agree-we-need-fr.html

6/24
Redistricting Group Tries to Put Humpty Dumpty Together
Unable to solve redistricting, panel attempts other insoluble puzzles

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Increasingly frustrated with its inability to settle on one redistricting plan, the Knox County Redistricting Committee on Tuesday added a third proposal to the pool of finalists and then turned its attention to other timelessly inscrutable mysteries.

The committee began its next impossible task - trying to put Humpty Dumpty back together again - after commissioners grew stubbornly intractable over even minute changes to their districts called for in the district plans under consideration. Plan 7A, for instance, which puts no incumbents at risk of losing their districts, was nonetheless the target of objections hurled by residents and politicos alike.

Commissioner Michele Carringer sparred with fellow Commissioner Amy Broyles over the plan, which would shift the Gresham ward in Fountain City from Carringer's 7th District, which includes Halls, to Broyles' 2nd, which includes North Knoxville and part of Fountain City.

"When I say Gresham will stay in the 7th District," said Carringer in rather a scornful tone, "that means just what I choose it to mean - neither more nor less.'

"The question is,' said Broyles in rather a threatening manner, "whether you can make a district be what you want it to be."

`The question is," replied Carringer, "which is to be master - that's all."

"We aren't through the looking glass," declared Broyles. "Power is master here. The 2nd District will take Gresham - by force if necessary."

Shot back Carringer: "Only when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers."

Dave Wright then interjected that he objected to any plan that would remove a single cubic millimeter of turf from the 8th District he represents, "even it's Plan 9 from outer space..."
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/06/redistricting-group-tries-to-p.html

6/23
Commission Votes to Use Law Director as Stormwater Barrier
But commissioners decline to create special 24/7 "Lockett Line"

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - The Knox County Commission voted 18-1 Monday to ask the state attorney general to determine whether county Law Director Bill Lockett's admitted misappropriation of clients' money is grounds to oust him from office and use him as a stormwater barrier in one of several local developments in need of runoff protection.

Stormwater experts warned that employing a law director for uses not specifically intended could have unexpected consequences, but the resolution's sponsors said their duty to Knox County taxpayers is their overriding concern.

Lockett admitted to the county's pension board on May 26 that he kept clients' payments intended for his former law firm, Kennerly, Montgomery & Finley, before taking office last August - although he maintains that he did so on his own time, after business hours. Lockett also pocketed a $10,000 loan from developer Tim Graham shortly before taking office last year, as well as an undetermined number of other loans from undisclosed lenders, the firm has said. Lockett says these clients were merely playing "Secret Santa."

Commissioners debated over term definitions and what course of action to pursue for about 9,000 minutes before voting. The law director has been decommissioned for commission meetings, so Deputy Law Director Joe Jarret advised commissioners on the legal issues. To begin with, Jarret explained the difference between an ouster suit and a recall.

"An ouster suit is a civil court proceeding and a recall is something manufacturers issue when they discover there's something wrong with one of their doohickeys and they don't want to get sued," said Jarret. "For example, Knox County Voters, Ltd., a manufacturer of law directors, has issued a recall for all county law directors created and installed in Knox County in 2008."

Jarret drew praise from commissioners for his handling of such trying circumstances. "Rah, rah! Go, go, Joe!" cried the commissioners.

Despite Jarret's assistance, the debate took some surprising turns.

"I want to set up an all-Lockett, all the time, 24/7 hot line for citizens who have had contact with the law director," declared Commissioner Amy Broyles. "And I want to run public service announcements saying, 'If this man has approached you for a loan, call the Lockett Line, toll-free, at 1-800-whatever.'"

"I want to deal with the law director, too, but that's silly," said Commissioner Brad Anders.

"Say that to voters in my district, and they'll introduce you to the 'Knox U.' school of silly," said Broyles.

"Knox U.?" asked Anders quizzically. "Where's that?"

"It's where you tell my constituents that their concerns are silly and they let loose a tirade that knocks you silly," explained Broyles...
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/06/commission-votes-to-use-law-di.html

"Snark Bites" 6/14-20

6/20
Herb Moncier's KnoX-files
The truth is out there. Way, way out there

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Local attorney and county government lawsuit-maestro Herb Moncier is summoning FBI Agents Mulder and Scully to investigate a vast conspiracy that he alleges permeates the hallways and back rooms of the City County Building and extends all the way to New Mexico.

In his lawsuit, filed this week, Moncier asserts that the Knox County law director's office has been clandestinely controlled for the past 200 years by a succession of secret societies, including the Illuminati, the Knights Templar, the Rosicrucians, the Freemasons, the Skull and Bones Society and the "pod people" from Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Communists, fluoride activists and Flat Earth Society members may also be involved, but the suit is not clear on that point.

The suit maintains that the law director's office is currently controlled by Elvis Presley from a bunker under Area 51 outside Roswell, New Mexico. The suit's explanation of Elvis' goals is murky, but Elvis seems to be intent on preserving a level of ineptitude in county government by somehow enticing voters to keep voting for the same officials over and over again.

Defendants are former Knox County Law Director John Owings, Elvis, the Smoking Man, the One-Armed Man, the Second Shooter on the Grassy Knoll, and any "aliens impersonating government officials in Knox County."

Moncier declined to speak about the lawsuit. Elvis, the Smoking Man, the One-Armed Man and the Second Shooter were either unavailable for comment or dead Friday afternoon. Mulder would say only that he could trust no one, Scully muttered "Sure...fine...whatever," and Owings said he had yet to see the complaint.

"I'll withhold comment on the suit until I've had an opportunity to read it," Owings said Friday afternoon. "But, for the record, I believe the King is dead..."
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/06/herb-monciers-knox-files.html

6/18
Manufacturer Issues Recall for Faulty Law Directors
Defective conscience, malfunctioning moral compass cited as reason

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - A manufacturer of county law directors yesterday issued a recall for all county law directors created and installed in Knox County in 2008. A spokesperson for the firm, Knox County Voters, Ltd., cited "defective consciences, malfunctioning moral compasses and other faulty parts" as reason for the action.

"Yes, some wires really got crossed somewhere in that piece of work," said spokesperson Brian Paone. "It looked OK coming off the assembly line, but clearly we need to institute more rigorous quality control measures."

The manufacturers warned that users of misfiring law directors may experience moral ambiguity and crises of conscience and advised users to immediately wash their hands, check their wallets and seek a second opinion. Other legal entities exposed to the malfunctioning mouthpiece may need to have their ethics examined by a professional.

Paone warned that faulty law directors could begin to display behavior utterly contrary to their programming.

"In models where the conscience and the moral compass are defective, law directors may start collecting money from clients without properly accounting for it or taking in loans but not reporting them," said Paone. "Things just don't tally up right when the moral compass goes haywire in the law director thingamajig."

Flaws in those parts then begin to affect every aspect of a law director's performance, Paone explained.

"Essentially, the law director can't perform its job," he said. "These malfunctioning parts, which are vital for keeping any lawyer in good working order, quickly impact most of a law director's higher functions. In short order, its ability to communicate is inhibited and its primary function, representing and advising county departments in legal matters, is wholly compromised. Curiously, its ability to draw paychecks remains unimpaired..."
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/06/manufacturer-issues-recall-for.html

6/16
Law Director: "I Still Have Work to Do"
Shuffling papers, sharpening pencils, Lockett keeps busy

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Declaring "I'm still in charge of the law director's office," Knox County Law Director Bill Lockett today announced a major rearrangement of the office furniture.

"I still have work to do - I am having my desk moved closer to the window, and I'm thinking of having new draperies installed," explained the energetic law director. "What do you think of chartreuse brocade with lacy frills?"

Lockett also noted that he had a large quantity of folders to file, pencils to sharpen, and papers to shuffle. He said that he would be checking later to make sure that the trash was taken out.

"Anything that happens in this office, I'm on top of it," he said.

Meanwhile, Chief Deputy Law Director Joe Jarret said that the Tennessee Bureau of Investigation had seized Lockett's e-mail records in its criminal investigation into his activities.

"County information technology came to my office under the authority of TBI and asked for access to Mr. Lockett's computer," Jarret said this morning.

Lockett confirmed that the TBI had seized his e-mails records but stated that he was still able to send and receive e-mails.

"I am absolutely the only person in this office in charge of sending or receiving e-mails on my computer," said Lockett. "I can also move things on my desk. See? I just moved my desk calendar, because I am completely in control of everything in this office. I may release a statement tomorrow regarding a major reorganization of my drawers..."
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/06/law-director-i-still-have-work.html

6/15
Re-Enactment of County Mayor Ouster Sought
Rhyming joke from county law director's case may shed new light on why Ragsdale is still in office

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Controversy surrounding Knox County Law Director Bill Lockett has given 12 residents who filed an ouster complaint against County Mayor Mike Ragsdale reason to seek a re-enactment of the historic ouster suit.

"The law director's case gives us new clues as to how the mayor was able to dodge that bullet, so what we'd like to do is a complete re-enactment of the events leading up to the ouster suit from January through June of last year," said Chuck Bowers, a retired nuclear physicist and spokesman for the members of the group. "What we've found is citizens now are walking around saying, 'Is that a Lockett in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me,' but no such jokey rhyme was made up in Mayor Ragsdale's case. We need to find out why."

Meanwhile, from the City County Building, the sounds of high-pitched wailing and keening could be heard, possibly emitting from the vicinity of Suite 615.

Lockett admitted taking clients' money for himself that was intended for his former law firm, Kennerly, Montgomery & Finley. The firm said the incidents took place from 2005 until just before Lockett took office in 2008, "but only occurred after office hours, which is why it took so long for anyone to notice anything wrong."

Bowers and 11 others, including Knox County Commissioner Paul Pinkston and former commissioner Victoria DeFreese, filed the ouster complaint against Ragsdale through local DA Randy Nichols' office last June. But Nichols' office recused itself on the grounds that "we're always cautious around things that might be politically explosive - we don't want our ambitions taken out by the shrapnel."

Bowers said statements made during the censure and the call for Lockett's resignation last week may give them a new direction in their effort against Ragsdale.

"We keep hearing the 'Lockett in your pocket' phrase now, and we need to know why a similar phrase didn't develop then," explained Bowers. "So we need a re-enactment of everything from last year involving Mayor Ragsdale: the audits, the mysterious $19.65 charge at J's Mega Mart, the lobster lunches, the faux receipts from Kinko's, Ragsdale's amazing 'When I think about you, I clear myself' press-conference performance, the mass staff exodus - all of it. Victoria [DeFreese] already has all her lines memorized. She's revved up and ready to go."

"All right, Mr. Bowers, I'm ready for my close-up," DeFreese confirmed...
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/06/re-enactment-of-county-mayor-o.html

"Snark Bites" 06/07-13/09

6/13
Fans Flock to knoXcon
Attendees come dressed as favorite area politicians

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Like any good, hard-to-kill comic book superhero, knoXcon, the local culture and collectibles event, is battling back for another year at the Knoxville Convention Center this weekend.

Recession and scandal-fatigue woes were "a big concern" in planning this year's knoXcon, but organizers say the event is weathering it well.

"After all, this show is based entirely around taxpayer-supported politicians who waste their money - it only makes sense that folks interested in local government would come out to support it," said knoXcon organizer Adam Phelps. However, the cost of a three-day pass has been lowered to $25. Daily passes are $15. Local politicians are welcome to try to haggle the price down or finagle a cut of the proceeds, said Phelps.

Attendees dressing up as local political personalities is commonplace at knoXcon. For instance, convention-goer Steve Rogers attended in an outlandish, oversized Mayor Mike Ragsdale costume. The human-like creature sported a nose at least 2 feet long. Inside, Rogers strutted around like a proud peacock.

For him, the appeal of dressing up is in the attention value. "Everybody takes your picture, and you get to pose with kids, especially if you pretend to read to them," said Rogers.

Phelps says costuming is "a rush" for the person wearing the outlandish garb. Rogers agreed.

"It's fun to see people's faces as you're walking around," he says. "You get the double-take because sometimes people go, 'Hey, is that really the mayor?' and then they ask you to autograph their pet lobster...
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/06/fans-flock-to-knoxcon.html

6/11
Lone Wolf Lumpy Defies Commission, Votes Conscience
"Here I stand; I can do no other," cries scruples-stricken commissioner

From APR reports. KNOXVILLE - The pernicious Knox County Commission, in a special called meeting yesterday, rushed to summary judgment against hapless Law Director Bill Lockett - with only brave commissioner Greg "Lumpy" Lambert strong-spined enough to stand against them.

With nary a whiff of evidence, only -

- Lockett's own admission of guilt that he took money from his former firm;
- Lockett's acknowledgment that he had sought loans from the firm's clients, including a $10,000 loan from developer Tim Graham after Lockett had won the primary race for Law Director;
- Statements from Lockett's former firm affirming his action;
- Statements from one of his former clients;
- And a 30-page petition for discipline filed by the Tennessee Board of Professional Responsibility detailing Lockett's malfeasance

- With only that trifling documentation, the remorseless Knox County Commission voted almost unanimously to be "really mean" to Lockett.

The heroic Lumpy protested the body's actions in the strongest possible terms. He offered up one alternative explanation after another for Lockett's actions - all to no avail, as the rest of the commissioners had clearly already built a case in their own minds based on the slimmest of evidence.

"He may have been moonlighting with some of his former firms' clients, just taking money off the books and keeping it for his own, nothing serious," suggested Lambert. "Or he may just have been mooning them, or other similarly harmless high-school hi-jinx. The point is, despite Lockett's own admission of guilt, the law firm's testimony, testimony of a former client and the 30-page document from the BPR, we just don't know what went on..."
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/06/lone-wolf-lumpy-defies-commiss.html

6/9
Knox County Preps for Annual "Bonnaruse" Festival
"Those stoner kids never know the difference," says county commissioner

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Strapped for cash to fund a deficit-laden budget and desperate to score PR points, Knox County government officials today confirmed that they are devising ways to reroute Bonnaroo-bound travelers to downtown Knoxville beginning tomorrow for a substitute "Bonnaruse" festival.

"Bonnaroo, Bonnaruse, Bonnaschmooze - same difference," explained Commissioner Mike Hammond, one of the proponents of the scheme. "Those stoner kids going to Bonneroo, they have loads of disposable income, and all they need is a place to camp out and venues to spend it in."

Sheriff Jimmy "J.J." "Good Times" Jones acknowledged that his covert agents in the surrounding counties would be working to divert cash-laden Bonnaroo-bound vehicles from their destination in Manchester, Tennessee, toward Knox County.

"Yes, all our plants in surrounding counties will be drawing overtime to route those disposable-income-toting lovelies back to Knox County to give our economy a hot cash injection," said Jones.

But not all county officials were enthusiastic about the concept.

"They're dirty, stinky hippies!" declared County Commissioner Paul Pinkston. "They'll be-a practicin' that 'free glove' and 'free birds' and other dirty, stinky hippie things!"

Hammond said that Market Square would be used as a campsite for the Bonnaruse attendee s. When asked why they weren't encouraged to camp at a more appropriate site, such as the World's Fair Park, Hammond replied, "We need them located nearer to cash-extraction facilities."

Although the Bonnaruers may be deceived into detouring into Knoxville, their Bonnaruse trip won't be without entertainment value. Lifesize cardboard cutouts of all the headlining Bonneroo acts will be set up inside the Knoxville Convention Center, "and loud, raucous recordings of howler monkeys will be broadcast throughout the downtown area to lure the kids there," said Commissioner Greg "Lumpy" Lambert...
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/06/knox-county-preps-for-annual-b.html

"Snark Bites" 05/31-06/06

5/31-6/6

6/5
Lockett Denies He Existed Before Sept. 1, 2008
Law Director says he was "reincarnated" after assuming office

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Knox County Law Director Bill Lockett today asserted that he didn't exist prior to taking office on September 1, 2008. He also said that any acts of defalcation, peculation, pilferage, filching, fraud, larceny or other malfeasance that occurred at the Kennerly, Montgomery & Finley law firm from 2005-2008 must have been perpetrated by "some guy who looked like me who wore my clothes."

Broadcasting from a bunker deep beneath the county's law offices, a voice purported to be Lockett's said that deeds occurring before September 1, 2008, could not be attributable to him because, "on that date, Bill Lockett was reincarnated as 'The Law Director.'"

"I have been reborn as The Law Director," said the voice. "Whether my reincarnation stems from the Buddhist and Hindu samsara, the Greek metempsychosis, the Sufi dawriyyah, Nietzsche's eternal recurrence or the parallel universe theory, I don't know, but I'm a new being. The Law Director can't be held responsible now for whatever this Lockett person did then."

Despite the voice's claims to the contrary, however, County officials on Thursday confirmed that an Internal Revenue Service agent is seeking records for Law Director Bill Lockett.

"The IRS asked me to check our files," said Frances Fogerson, senior director of County Human Resources. "But we'll have minimal records for him if he's been reincarnated, because our system's not equipped to handle metaphysical concepts."

Fogerson identified the agent as Sarah Lee, a special agent with the metaphysical crime investigation unit of the IRS in Knoxville.

Lee, reached for comment while eating dessert, said she could neither confirm nor deny the report because it dealt with "particle physics of the Schrödinger's cat variety - the very act of confirming that I am surveiling Law Director Lockett would affect the outcome of the surveillance."

To deflect attention away from the investigation, the disembodied voice of Law Director Lockett also floated the idea that a doppelgänger might have assumed his form from 2005-2008 and committed the crimes he is being investigated for.

"It's possible a malevolent spirit took my likeness and committed these heinous acts," explained the voice. "It's happened before - you just ask Kolchak..."
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/06/lockett-denies-he-existed-befo.html

6/3
In County Government, Who's Gone First?
The Lockett, Rockett and Ragsdale saga

Brrrring! Brrrring! Brr-click-Hello?

Reporter: Hello, commissioner! I'm a reporter for the New York Times! We hear there're outlandish doings again down there in the government of Knox County, Tennessee! We hear strange things are goin' on - crazy things, zany things! And you're just the fella to give us the straight dope on it, arentcha?

Commissioner: I'll be happy to help if I can.

R: Well, I understand up in the City County Building you have a passel of yer wacthmacallems, "malfeasants."

C: Bless you!

R: No, no. "Mal-fea-sants."

C: Oh, we've all had our immunizations.

R: ...So I hear you got a buncha crooks in the county gov.

C: We do our best with what we got.

R: What can you tell me about them?

C: You know, in Knox County, we have lots of officials in trouble who may have to depart office. We have the one who committed defalcation-

R: I'm sorry commissioner, we can't say that.

C: Say what?

R: That's a dirty word. We're a family paper.

C: No, no, it's just means "embezzlement."

R: Oh, is that what the kids are calling it these days? Anyways, go on.

C: Well, as I was saying, we have the defalcator, we have the one who brought a shotgun to work, the one with P-card, slush fund and community program problems-

R: That's enough to get us started. So, of these three scofflaws, who would you say will leave office first?

C: Well, I don't like to speculate on such matters, but I suppose I must cooperate with the press.

R: Always a good idea, commissioner. The press is your friend.

C: With friends like these, who needs a firing squad? *Sigh* Well, if I had to guess, I suppose I'd say Rockett first, Lockett second and Ragsdale third.

R: Say what?

C: I said, Rockett first, Lockett second and Ragsdale third.

R: Uh-huh. You're a Knox County commissioner?

C: I am.

R: You know the names of your officials?

C: I should think so.

R: You know the names of the known ne'erdowells in office?

C: I should say so - it's in the orientation package.

R: Then what are the names of these malingerers?

C: I told you, Rockett, Lockett and Ragsdale.

R: You say rock it, lock it and rags tell? So if I do, they will?

C: They will what?

R: Tell.

C: I already told you.

R: Told me what?

C: Their names.

R: You did? What are they?

C: Rockett, Lockett and Ragsdale.

R: Those aren't names - they're activities!

C: It is what it is.

R: Don't be bringing what "is" is into this!

C: Take it easy!

R: How can I take it easy when you're makin' this near impossible? Suppose you tell me their names one at a time.

C: I can do that.

R: Let's start with the first one. What's the name of the guy that committed the defalcation?

C: Lockett.

R: Lock it?

C: That's it.

R: That's what?

C: That's the name.

R: What's the name?

C: Lockett.

R: Lock what?

C: Lock-ett.

R: Look, you're a county commissioner, right?

C: I am.

R: Then you know the names of the malefactors in county government, yeah?

C: Now, wouldn't I be a fine county commissioner if I didn't? I have to work with them. Sometimes intimately.

R: And when you get together with the other little commissioners, you talk about these miscreants?

C: Sometimes, certainly.

R: And when you tell another commissioner about the guy that took the defalcation, what do you say?

C: Lockett.

R: You tell your fellow commissioners, "Lock it"?

C: Naturally.

R: You tell them to shut up naturally?

C: I tell them nothing of the kind.

R: You don't say, "Lock it"?

C: Of course I do.

R: Lock it?

C: Yes.

R: ...Why won't you tell me the guy's name?

C: But I'm telling you, man.

R: If you're tellin' me, what's the name of the guy that committed the defalcation?

C: Lockett.

R: Stop tellin' me to stifle!

C: But that is his name!

R: That's his name?

C: "That" is not his name!

R: If That's not his name, then what's the name of the guy that committed the defalcation?

C: Lockett.

R: Lock what?

C: No, Lock-ett!

R: Lock it what?

C: No, no, just "Lockett..."
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/06/in-county-government-whos-gone.html

5/31
Knox County Charter, Government File for Divorce
Charter claims "irreconcilable differences," government alleges "withholding of affection"

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Calling revelations of Knox County Law Director Bill Lockett's misdeeds "just the latest in a series of painful humiliations," the Knox County Charter today brought divorce proceedings against the county government for irreconcilable differences. "I just want custody of our dignity!" cried the tearful legal document during a brief press conference on the steps of the old Knox County Courthouse.

County government immediately filed a counter-suit to have the marriage annulled, alleging that the charter had withheld its "conjugal services and consortium" and had "failed to stand by her man."

Both parties sought to force the other to take custody of their embattled law director.

"I am not responsible for that miscarriage of justice called the county law director," said the charter, demurely outfitted for the press conference in plain white, with a recurring black print pattern. "If the government had only followed my lead, we could control that little truant and all the other brats off running their own little fee office playpens. At the least, if I'd had my way, we'd be able to punish them when they misbehave. But every restraint I try to place on them, the government undercuts. Mr. He-Man County Government says, 'No, Bill's a big boy now, let him do things his own way.' And J.J.'s running off to Nashville, crying 'Child abuse! Child abuse!' every time I try to take the car keys from him, Fred's taking advances on his allowance money, and Sherry's always talking back ... I can't live like this anymore."

County government, holding forth outside the City County Building, disputed the charter's charges and claimed the couple was never married in the first place.

"I'm filin' for annulment because the marriage was never, never ... watchacallit - constipated," said the gaudily garbed political regime, its Hawaiian shirt barely concealing its vast bulk. "I tried my darn'dest to warm to her, but that document is one cold dish. She was never willin' to get in bed with me. And now she wants to say those kids acting up in their fees offices is my responsibility? What about those 19 crybabies on commission? No discipline, no supervision, no respect. You know, a while back, all of 'em were openly contempoo- contemtoo- they was openly disrespectin' me. And what about the mayor and that crowd he runs with? Who's watchin' him while she's busy chasin' after more 'amendments' - like she needs more of those..."
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/05/knox-county-charter-government.html