"Snark Bites," 01/31-02/13/10

2/13

Battle of Midway Memorial Industrial Business Amusement Theme Recreation Park Moves Forward

TDC finally gets its way on 187th try for revamped, multi-use park

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - A multi-use park in the Thorngrove community - which The Development Corporation of Knox County initially proposed as an industrial park, then a business park, then as a memorial to World War II's Battle of Midway, then as a relocated urban industrial park in downtown Knoxville, then an amusement park, among sundry other plans - has finally crossed its initial hurdle with the Metropolitan Planning Commission. TDC won approval for the park by combining all of its previous proposed uses for the land into one project. Unofficial counts put this at the 187th time TDC had brought the park before the MPC.

Thorngrove community members and others opposed to the park, now called the Battle of Midway Memorial Industrial Business Amusement Theme Recreation Park, say it doesn't fit with the rural character of the area and will attract undesirable elements to their community. Todd Napier, executive vice president of the Development Corp., told MPC that the community's fears were unfounded, but that his agency nonetheless took them seriously.

"They're just crazy," Napier said. "They just get their sweet little heads all in a tizzy, and then there's just no talking to them. But really, just because there are idled brownfields all over Knox County waiting for new businesses to locate to them, and just because the karsty terrain of this area makes it a lousy choice for an industrial park and restricts the kind of businesses that can go there in the first place, and just because everyone in the community is opposed to the project but we've relentlessly and single-mindedly pursued it as if fear of death itself were driving us, there's no reason whatsoever for their paranoia. They're just a little touched. Nevertheless, we take them very seriously - bless their hearts. They're so cute when they're upset."

"What kind of attractions and businesses does TDC expect to install in this park along I-75?" asked a reporter.

"It's I-40, not I-75," said Napier. I'm glad you asked that, because we at TDC are very excited about the possibilities offered by this combination park. We still plan to have attractions like the Guess-Your-Wallet's-Weight, the Tilt-A-Wallet, the Ferris Wheel of Fortune, the Incredible Vanishing Dollar act, purse jugglers, money swallowers-"

"That's exactly what we object to," interjected Lisa Starbright of the Preservation of Sanity Association. "These types of sleazy attractions and acts are completely out of character for the area."

"You don't think the Incredible Vanishing Dollar is a good act?" protested Napier.

"I don't care whether it's a good act or not," returned Starbright. "Whatever it is, this all seems designed to get the MPC to approve things that take money out Knox Countians' pockets at the behest of TDC and of the Chamber."

"How do you respond to that charge, Mr. Edwards?" an opinion columnist asked Mike Edwards, CEO of the Knoxville Area Chamber Partnership. "Did you at KCDC influence the MPC?"

"I'm with the Chamber, not KCDC, and I didn't talk to a single MPC commissioner," he said. "It's easy to take the Development Corp. and make it into some sort of trilateral commission - you know - a creepy somebody-pulling-the-strings-behind-the-scenes sort of thing. But TDC isn't the creepy somebody-pulling-the-strings-behind-the-scenes sort of thing. Neither is KCDC. We at the Chamber are the creepy somebody-pulling-the-strings-behind-the-scenes sort of thing..."

2/12

Knox County Abuses Workers' Trusts

"They've drained our reserve of trust dry," says employee spokesperson

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - A lawsuit alleging Knox County improperly capitalized on employees' trusting natures could become a class-action suit to force all county officials who have abused people's trust to stand up in front of all county citizens, own up to their effrontery and restore trust in county government.

The employees asked Knox County Chancellor Daryl Fansler at a Thursday hearing to allow all current and former Knox Countians to join in the lawsuit if they "ever, in the innocence and the goodness of their hearts, made the mistake of trusting officials in the Knox County government."

Representatives for the county and the Knox County Trust R Us Board oppose class action status, arguing that "everyone should know better by now than to trust Knox County's government, so if some employees and citizens did, that's their own faults. In other words, this emptor's got a great big neon caveat over it."

The total amount of trust eroded by the county by any one act of duplicity, skullduggery, nefariousness, iniquity, chicanery, perfidy, mendacity, or ignominy was small, both sides agree. But the cumulative effect on employees' ability to trust in any authority figure is overwhelming, say the employees.

"I thought I was safe trusting Knox County to handle my affairs for me; I thought they were people with principles, interested in the well-being of my trust," said an employee who wished to remain anonymous for fear of retribution. "Instead, they were keeping interest from my trust principal for their well-being. They misused and abused my trust horribly. My fund of trust is wiped out. I have nothing left. I wouldn't even trust my own mother now - not even if she were Mother Teresa."

The employees allege that the county delayed their contributions to various trust funds for three to six weeks and improperly absorbed the positive vibes generated by the good faith the employees had toward the responsible county officials, while the county was abusing that trust by keeping the employees' money in a Knox County account to earn interest for the county. The workers argue that the county owes it to all citizens to restore every ounce of trust it has drained from them.

A Knox County spokesperson who wished to remain anonymous for fear of responsibility said the county had no choice but to take advantage of the employees' trust.

"Of course we drained the employees' trust reserves; we had to," the spokesperson said. "The citizens are on to us - we drained their trust a long time ago. Their hopes, dreams, faith, belief, optimism, charity, goodwill and kindness, too. There's nobody left for us to take advantage of. We were desperate to siphon off someone else's trust, because morally, we're bankrupt..."

2/9

Latest County Mayor Candidate Strikes Fear into Opponents

"Oh no, it's Michael McBath!" cry terrified GOP heavyweights

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Yesterday's entry into the Knox County mayor's race of a Democratic candidate unencumbered by connections to the local Democratic organization has sent the other three candidates scrambling to reassess their campaign strategies. On Monday, Michael McBath, a 24-year-old West Knoxvillian without ties to the local Democratic Party filed as a Democrat candidate in this year's Knox County mayor's race.

"Someone thought to run as a Democrat without connections to the local Democratic chapter?" asked former county sheriff and Republican mayoral candidate Tim Hutchison. "Brilliant!"

When State Senator and Republican mayoral candidate Tim Burchett asked who the Democratic candidate was and was told "Michael McBath," he grew pale and shrieked, "Michael McBath? That's terrible! It can't be Michael McBath! Not Michael McBath, anybody but Michael McBath!"

"Who's Michael McBath?" asked Independent candidate Lewis Cosby.

"I have no idea!" cried Burchett...

2/6

Local Food Show Presents Knox County-Themed Super Bowl Snacks

Quiche My Grits offers locally inspired dishes for tomorrow's big game

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - When rock 'n' relic band Who's Left takes the field to entertain the audience during halftime of Super Bowl XLIV tomorrow, Knox Countians can chow down on snacks with a local taste, thanks to the food program Quiche My Grits©, of the Knox County's Cookin' Now Network. Each week on Quiche My Grits, county officials share their recipes for fusion dishes that combine traditional Old South staples with haute cuisine while displaying the sass that won them office.

Quiche My Grits's hosts, Uncle Ned "Unka" Shush and Olay Ajenous, explained their Super Bowl snack strategy.

"What we got here is a whole passel of different local favorites, some of them created by local officials and some of them created by us from the inspiration of our local color," said Shush, smilingly.

Said Ajenous, radiantly, "What we were striving for were out-the-ordinary dishes that nonetheless really communicate to you just what the unique flavor of Knox County is. I think we succeeded marvelously."

"Now, we have to admit right here that a lot of it might not taste too good," added Shush, grinning broadly. "But even if you have to spit a lot of it out, it'll still leave 'Knox County' lingering on your taste buds like nothing else."

The hosts shared a chuckle at Shush's witticism, and then Ajenous began the presentation.

"For appetizers, we start with three variations on a theme," said Ajenous. "Here you have Tim Hutchison's Po' Boy Poe-Tay-Toe Skins, which he says are lovingly created and served with the common touch. Then you have Tim Burchett's Patented Pah-Tay-Toe Skins, which he claims are lovingly created and served with an uncommon touch. And finally, you have Lewis Cosby's Meat-and-Potato Skins, which he says are lovingly created and surprisingly different than those of the Tims..."

2/3

County Mayor Candidates Running Against "Ghost of Mayor Past"

Burchett, Cosby, Hutchison all running against the memory of Mike Ragsdale

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - All three candidates for Knox County mayor will apparently be running against a photograph of current County Mayor Mike Ragsdale and a laundry list of voter grievances against his administration. Former Knox County Sheriff Tim Hutchison (R-Hilton Head), current State Senator Tim Burchett (R-Closer to Knoxville than Hilton Head, I Promise), and retired accountant Lewis Cosby (I-Am My Own Man) have announced their intention to seek the mayor's office in the upcoming election.

Cosby, 59, past owner of three Knoxville TV stations and self-described "primarily Republican kind of person," recently straightened out a significant political identity crisis to emerge Tuesday as an independent candidate for mayor, stating that he was not foolish enough to go up against the two Tims' heavy machinery in the Republican primary.

"Why run on my ideology against the Tims in the Republican primary, when it's more expedient to let those two bloody each other up running there, and then I can run in the general election against Mike Ragsdale?" explained Cosby.

When it was explained that Ragsdale was term-limited from running again, Cosby said he knew that already.

"Of course I know Ragsdale can't run again," confirmed Cosby. "That's why I'll be running against his legacy. I have been running against it for going on two years - Why should I stop now?"

Hutchison and Burchett also stated that they would not be running against each other or Cosby.

"I also plan to be running against Ragsdale's record, against which I will stack my record as mayor any day," said Burchett.

When it was pointed out that he had never been a mayor, Burchett replied, "Exactly. And I stand that record against Ragsdale's achievements as mayor without hesitation..."

2/2

Punxsutawney Phil Sees Federal Budget's Shadow, Faints

Groundhogs across U.S. dropping from shock at grim shadow cast by President Obama's proposed deficits

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Punxsutawney Phil collapsed this Groundhog Day morning after seeing the looming penumbra of the federal budget's record deficits. While the world's most famous specimen of Marmota monax was listed as in stable condition and asking for large doses of federal fiduciary discipline, his brethren nationwide were reportedly dropping in droves at the sight of the lengthening shadow of debt cast over future generations.

Local rodent reaction ranged from advocating resistance to forced forecasting to counseling caution against hasty action to returning to hibernation for another six weeks and seeing if maybe things didn't look a little better in the softer light of a spring morning.

A long-time friend of Phil, Knoxville Kneal, a lesser-known groundhog occasionally used for prognostication purposes, said asking groundhogs to predict the future amounted to "cruel and unusual" punishment and that protections should be in place to prevent the rodents from being exploited in this way.

"Phil can't be concerned with forecasting whether there will be six more weeks of winter when he's worried about six generations of indentured servitude for America's children," rasped Kneal. "If all the meteorologists in East Tennessee with all their sophisticated instruments and computer models can mistake three inches for 12 inches of snow, why should anyone expect accuracy from a large furry mammal with the brain the size of a walnut? - No offense meant to Phil - or to myself, either..."

"Snark Bites," 1/18-31 /10

1/29

Snowstorm U.S.'s "Reward for Being Good" Says Evangelist

Others attribute storm to Santa Claus, federal government, meteorological conditions

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - As a major winter storm wreaked havoc across the nation's Midwest and South, prominent evangelist and one-time presidential candidate Pat Robertson deemed it "God's reward to the U.S. for being good."

Robertson, who said the devastating earthquake that struck the Caribbean island nation of Haiti two weeks ago was God's punishment for a supposed long-ago "pact with the devil," has neither a degree in meteorology or seismology.

"This big ol' snowstorm is God's reward for being good to hardworking Americans in the heart of America's Bible Belt," said Robertson. "For God so loved our goodness, He has given us a snow day."

In response to these observations, White House spokesman Robert Gibbs hung his head and sighed wearily.

Other reaction to the 80-year-old evangelist's pronouncement was mixed, with concentrations of contradiction and flurries of agreement.

Radio host Rush Limbaugh affirmed Robertson's statement and issued a suggestion that "the rest of the nation gather funds to send to the folks in the affected area, so they can throw a big snow day party."

Former vice-presidential candidate and Fox TV commentator Sarah Palin, however, took a different view.

"Could this here havoc-wreakin' storm be a White House attack on those good ol' pro-American parts of this great nation?" said Palin. "When you get thinkin' about it, what is snow? It's white is what it is. And which political party holds the White House for the time bein'? ...Just sayin', you betcha..."

1/27

County Mayor's Office to Hold Clearaself Clearance Sale

"Huge bargains while supplies last," says Ragsdale

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Knox County's Surgeon General gave Mayor Mike Ragsdale's legacy a clean bill of health, clearing his record of any criminal wrongdoing. As a result, the mayor's office is holding a clearance sale on Clearaself™, the product Ragsdale originally used to clear himself of wrongdoing regarding questionable P-card purchases in a notorious press conference in 2008.

"Yep, our condition cleared right up with Surgeon General Randy Nichols' probe," said Ragsdale. "It's amazing how a few really, uh, probing probes will make you start really paying attention to how you treat the complexion of your legacy, and you start trying to avoid developing any more ugly bumps or scars. And even though the Surgeon General's given me a clear bill of health, I just don't plan to be showing my face in public much anymore. So, although Clearaself is great stuff - it doesn't just cover up the problem; it makes it go completely away - we don't foresee any more scandals, and we have no more need for the stuff. So we're having a big sale. Ya'll spread the word."

According to a report issued Tuesday by Nichols, the unsightly outbreaks of what appeared to be eruptions of political oppression that could have permanently spotted Ragsdale's record were largely provided cover by generous applications of Clearaself Special Formula Fast-Acting First-Amendment Free-Speech Cream Cleanser®...

1/26

Commission to Curse Knox Countians With Total Recall?

Some commissioners call voters' selective amnesia "a survival mechanism"

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Knox County Commission is poised on the brink of giving citizens of Knox County the ability to remember every single act of every single elected official in the county - but the move comes after some commissioners argued that, "in Knox County, selective elective memory is a necessary survival mechanism."

The debate came about after groups of citizens tried to remove a school board member and the county law director from office, forgetting or regretting who elected them to office in the first place. In a move widely seen as punitive, some citizens have demanded that county officials grant Knox Countians total recall of all activity by all local politicians. Some commissioners expressed fear for what the move would mean for political careers, while others expressed concern for the undue toll such a measure might take on voters. The ensuing debate was lively.

"Do you know what total recall of all our actions and every word we've ever spoken would do to our ability to govern?" asked Commissioner Greg "Lumpy" Lambert. "It would invite chaos, it would destabilize Knox County the way that eartquake destabilized Haiti. I mean, the next time I run for elective office, imagine if somebody actually remembered that I compared the effect of a ballot measure in Knox County with the effect of a killer earthquake in Haiti. If people actually remembered what I say, I'd never be elected again."

"You say that like it's a bad thing," yelled a wag from the audience.

"The point is," continued Lambert, "this initiative might make commissioners ineffective to govern."

"And this would be different from now how?" observed Commissioner Mark Harmon...

1/23

Did SHE Slip Moore, Hutchison, Mickey Finns?

Known associates of "seductive siren of speculation" claim they can't remember, don't know her

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - A practitioner of the world's second-oldest profession - sales and marketing - may have used a knockout drug on prominent members of the Knox County community to make them forget their dealings with her. Among the list of her possible victims are ex-chair of the Knox County Commission, Scott "Scoobie" Moore, ex-county sheriff and current county mayor candidate, Tim Hutchison, and other members of the local business community.

Investigators say these individuals may have been unwittingly lured into the lair of the shadowy figure known only as "SHE" with the promise of lucrative business arrangements. SHE may have then slipped them a substance - possibly chloral hydrate, the original "Mickey Finn" - to knock them out and blur their memory of the proceedings. Apparently, SHE uses legitimate businesses, including an auto company, as lures for her more dubious activities.

As one victim who wished to remain anonymous put it, "I thought I was getting in on the ground floor of a great opportunity in a car dealership operation, you know? SHE certainly looked like a fast ride - a real hot chassis of a portfolio, if you know what I mean? - so I whipped out my checkbook to get a piece of that action. But SHE suggested a drink to seal the deal. That's all I remember. The next thing I know, I'm in some Tijuana fleabag with the mother of all headaches, a naked checking account and a pocketful of regret. I never saw her again..."

1/21

TVA Joins Celebrity Edition of 'The Biggest Loser'

Other contestants to include Democratic Party, NBC management, affordable health care, President Obama, Lane Kiffin

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Coming off fresh reports of the mounting cost of cleaning up after its Swan Pond coal-ash flood disaster, the Tennessee Valley Authority yesterday announced it was joining a celebrity edition of the popular TV show, "The Biggest Loser." Unlike the regular show, which features ordinary people teaming to lose weight, the celebrity edition will follow a different format, with the cast competing in areas where they have already demonstrated high proficiency in losing. Former UT Vols head football coach Lane Kiffin, for example, will be focusing on loss of credibility.

"I do feel it [losing my credibility] is one of my greatest strengths," said Kiffin, in a press conference where no live cameras or questions were allowed. "I feel I can lose credibility faster than any other sports figure that cares to go up against me. I am a competitor, and the area of losing credibility is one in which I believe I can be highly competitive."

TVA President and CEO Kilmore Trout said the agency would focus on losing money for the show.

"I believe losing money is one of our demonstrated core competencies," he said. "I challenge any other agency to hemorrhage money the way we do. Moreover, we plan to challenge Coach Kiffin in the credibility loss category, as well. I think our record in credibility loss over the past year stands against his or anybody's."

The NBC management team reportedly will compete with TVA in the "Biggest Money Loser" category on the strength of its late-night lineup fiasco.

Affordable health care in America said it would be competing in the "Biggest Lost Hope" category.

"I've lost all hope, hope of ever actually existing, except in the hearts and dreams of the American people, and I don't think even St. Jude, the patron saint of lost causes, can compete with me there," said the tearful impossible dream.

President Obama's hopes of competing in the lost hope category were crushed by the health care goal's announcement.

"Well, I was going to go with hope, but given affordable health care's entry into that category, I don't expect I'll have a chance, so I'll play it safe and settle for being the biggest loser in the category of change..."

1/18

Bredesen Proposes "Center of Remedial Accounting Excellence" for UTK

"With Knox County schools' bookkeeping problems, they're going to need it," says governor

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - In the wake of an audit revealing that most Knox County schools can't account for the hours in a day much less the money in their activity funds, Governor Bredesen has proposed that a "Center of Remedial Accounting Excellence" be created at the University of Tennessee's Knoxville campus.

"Given that a great many students who end up at UT come out of Knox-area schools, we have to be prepared to account for the fact that they've come out of a system that doesn't value accounting in their school activity funds," said Bredesen. "We should consider sending the Knox schools' bookkeepers through the center before the students get there to prevent future embarrassment for them. Sending some of our state legislators through it might not be a bad idea either."

School activity funds consist of money raised by students through fees, clubs, coupon books, picture sales and similar sources. The money is intended to be used for the benefit of the students, but many schools had problems recognizing this fact.

The auditing report found that out of 86 schools in the Knox County school system, 77 had not accounted for actually having students. The report characterized this oversight as "a problem area in terms of how the activity funds are being spent."

The audit by Rodefer Moss of Knoxville cited 11 other findings in need of improvement - mostly in the areas of the handling of money, the tracking of it, the spending of it, the accounting for how it was spent, and the keeping the hands off of it when nobody is looking.

Roger Underwood, supervisor of accounts payable and student activities funds for the school system, said he was troubled by the findings for the 2008-09 fiscal year because the previous year's audit found similar problems.

"I am troubled by the findings for the 2008-09 fiscal year's audit," Underwood said. "I'm troubled by two things. The first is that the audit done last year on the school activities funds listed quite a few problems, just like this year's did, including my own observation that I was troubled by the previous audit's findings of so many problems. It troubles me a bit that I communicated that I was troubled last year, and here it is this year, and here I am troubled by these findings. If you have troubles that are communicated to people, and the troubles aren't fixed by next year, then I think it is fair to say that you have troubles."

Underwood said the second thing that troubled him was that the funds were to be used to benefit the students.

"The second thing that troubled me was the funds were to be used to benefit the students," Underwood said. "Wait, I'm not troubled that the funds are supposed to be for the general benefit of the student body - I'm troubled that in many cases we weren't aware that the schools had students. In one case, the teachers had used those funds for a teacher party, and we weren't aware they had students for whom the funds were for. That is troubling."

Underwood said that also of concern was that neither he nor school administration officials could say which specific school used student funds for the teacher party, "which you'd think is something we'd be able to say since we have an audit telling us which school it was. That we can't tell which school it was even with the help of an audit is a concern."

A reporter then observed that it seemed like Underwood would also find not being able to tell which school held the teacher party troubling.

"You're right," acknowledged Underwood. "It is troubling."

Underwood then said that the fourth thing that troubled him was that he had said only two things troubled him, but he had gone on to list three troubling things, which then caused him to list as a fourth troubling thing having said the third troubling thing, and having said a fourth troubling thing, he'd be obligated to cite as a fifth troubling thing saying that he was troubled for having found three things troubling instead of his original two as a fourth troubling thing after initially having said he found two things troubling while finding three actual troubling things, the recognition of which was his fourth troubling thing, the acknowledgment of which was in turn his fifth troubling thing, and now as a sixth troubling thing he would have to list that he feared he had stumbled into a verbal infinitely repeating trouble loop and wasn't sure if he could get out of it...

"Snark Bites," 1/3-15/10

1/15

Vols Frantically Search for New Mascot

Smokey's sudden departure leaves UT public relations in the lurch

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Shaken by Smokey IX's abrupt departure to start a hound dog stud farm in California, University of Tennessee icon officials were scrambling to keep nervous commitments focused and find a replacement for its absconded symbol. Previous mascot Pulpy, the Big Orange, who was cast off by UT like a bad cold, has already issued a statement declining interest in the job.

The statement read, in part, "While my blood does run deep orange, I'm happily ripening into old age, and have no interest whatsoever in returning as UT's mascot. If, however, a management position comes open where I'd take over for the person responsible for canning me, that would get my juices flowing."

Smokey IX, tragically, fell victim to his own hype. Believing he was god's gift to publicity hounds everywhere, he abruptly left for Hollywood on Wednesday to run a stud farm for hound dogs with himself, apparently, as sole stud.

Smokey's terse press conference announcing his departure, ran, in whole, "I'm Smokey, dammit! Idol o' millions! I don't need no stinkin' U of T! I'm mascot to th' stars! Awright, I'm done! Turn th' mike off! Hey! Why's this thing still on? Off, I said! Off, dammit, off! You! Sound guy! Yer fired!" ...

1/13

Little Lane Kiffin Takes Buds, Goes Home

Wayward child was "unmanageable," says adoptive UT family

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - In a move that surprised no one but his guardians, talented but unruly adopted child Lane Kiffin fled the loving but stern embrace of conservative East Tennessee for the wild and woolly, wide-open spaces of the West. Sources close to the family say it was only a matter of time before the rocky Rocky Top relationship fell apart.

"Lane was one of those kids, you know," said one family insider who wished to remain anonymous. "Father Mike really doted on him, called him his 'fair-haired boy,' and all that. But Lane wouldn't toe the line. He was always a wild child, always running off at the mouth and getting called on the carpet by officials at school - at a lot of schools, actually. He never understood that there was a certain decorum you were supposed to observe, that there was a certain Tennessee way of doing things. He had tried to warm this cold Tennessee Orange with all the power of his California sunshine, but this fruit's been on the vine a couple hundred years now. It wasn't going to ripen just for him, you know? And he chafed under these restrictions he didn't understand. So his splitting just seemed inevitable."

Lane was last seen in the back of a Caddy disappearing into the sunset, hanging with his bestest buds, Monte and Ed. Rumors of a single parting statement, "Hasta la vista, baaaay-bee," remain unconfirmed...

1/12

Knox Officials Proud of County Waste Production

"We'll stack our waste against anybody's," says mayoral spokesperson

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Some county officials insist Knox County is "Waste Capital of the World," but Knox County Commissioner "Our" Larry Smith said Monday he plans to introduce a resolution authorizing an audit of the Waste Production Department. Smith claims that the department has a much lower waste output than it should for a county as rife with duplication and incompetence as Knox County is.

"Given our governmental track record, I'd think we'd be producing more waste per capita than any other comparably sized county in the country, but I have evidence to suggest that's not the case," said Smith. "Just the hours frittered away by us commissioners talking in circles and beating dead horses in our meetings and the documentation required for those activities ought to net our waste production some kind of 'Wastrels of the Year' award, but we never get one. So if we're not producing the waste we should be, or if someone is stealing our waste, let's correct the problems and have a Waste Production Department we can be proud of."

Smith said Brad Majors, who runs the Rocky Holler Mixture Growth Mulch Shop, alleges that Tom Salter, head of the Waste Production Department, hasn't been nearly as wasteful as he could be.

"I've actually observed him recycling," said Majors. "And I've seen waste production employees take things out of the garbage and re-use them - they're actually stealing the waste from the waste department. It's shocking. And contrary to their department's purpose..."

1/9

Haslam Bags Cartoon Duck after Hunting License Mix-Up

Gubernatorial hopeful captures iconoclastic comics character in online "Duck Hunt"

From APB reports. NASHVILLE - Bill Haslam, Knoxville mayor and Republican gubernatorial candidate, apparently violated state law during what he thought was a recent West Tennessee duck hunting trip, but was actually a foray into the popular online version of the 1980s Nintendo game "Duck Hunt." During the game, Haslam and his hunting partners somehow bagged the irascible Marvel comics character Howard the Duck, but will face no penalty because it was unclear how the hard-drinking, cigar-smoking fowl got into their line of fire in the first place.

A spokesperson for the feathered star of the eponymous 1986 box-office bomb, Howard the Duck, said the water bird was resting comfortably after his ordeal and would soon be on the mend.

"Howard doesn't ruffle easily," said his assistant, a Ms. Switzler, in a telephone interview from the fowl's residence. "Besides, he's just a cartoon."

In the background, a voice that might have belonged to the avian everyman could be heard threatening to use his "quack-fu moves to kick the keisters" of his assailants once he recovered from his ordeal.

Switzler said it was unclear how her boss had waddled into the online "Duck Hunt" game, but noted that "Howard is known for going where he shouldn't."

A check with representatives of other beloved cartoon ducks, including Daffy, Donald, Daisy, Huey, Dewey, Louie, Scrooge and other members of the extended Duck clan found them all safe at home, unroasted and on no one's dinner menu...

1/7

Group Wants Pre-Election ID of Recall-Likely Officials

"It would simplify the process if they would let us know ahead of time that they were going to screw over the voters," says spokesperson

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - At a Knox County Commission public hearing yesterday, a group argued that officials likely to need recalling by voters should be required to identify themselves as such before an election. However, some commissioners argued that voters have a constitutional right to be duped into electing unconscionable wankers.

Diana Prince, chair of the local chapter of the Suffrage League of America (SLA), a group comprised of almost 8 extraordinarily devout suffragists dedicated to voting in the booth, suffrage, and the majority sway, noted that if candidates were required to declare whether they were likely to do things that would cause the need for recall, matters would be simplified for voters. Prince gave as an example Scott "Scoobie" Moore, who recently picked up a petition to run again for the 7th District commission seat.

"As the architect of 2007's Black Wednesday, when term-limited commissioners pre-arranged their replacements and which has been such a black eye to commission, Moore has shown himself recall-worthy," explained Prince. "But then, having been resoundingly defeated in his 2008 bid for the county clerk's office, losing even his own precinct, then subsequently being kicked off commission for perjury, then proclaiming he wouldn't run for office again, and finally flip-flopping on that promise, ex-Commissioner Moore has amply fulfilled our request of notification of his recall-likelihood, should his re-election bid succeed. Indeed, ex-Commissioner Moore could be a poster boy for the sort of notice we'd like to see voters get in these situations. He couldn't more plainly say 'I'm recall-likely' if he tattooed it to his trademark smirk."

Commissioner Colonel Doctor Richard M. Briggs, M.D., supported Prince's contention.

"We need to make it easier for citizens to know when they are going to have to recall officials," Briggs said. "That is why I am proposing my 'Reasonable Man' recall standard. To meet the standard, candidates for Knox County offices would have to submit to questions that would tell a reasonable man whether he might reasonably expect to have reason to recall that candidate, if elected..."

1/5
Authorities Question Car Involved in UT Athletes' Arrest Did vehicle disclose it had drugs, guns?

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Authorities today questioned the 2010 Dodge Charger involved in the arrest of 4 UT basketball players, asking whether it had told the players it was carrying marijuana and handguns, and if so, when it had revealed these facts.

"At this point, we're unsure whether the players were fully informed by the vehicle that it was unlawfully in possession of guns and drugs," said University of Tennessee Athletic Director Mike Hamilton. "So, we will, of course, do everything possible to give them the benefit of the doubt as we proceed with our thorough, careful, deliberate and supremely fair investigation."

Knoxville Police Department Spokesperson Darrell DeBusk explained that, because authorities were uncertain whether the car model in this case was one of the new generation of so-called "Smart Cars," they thought it best to try questioning the vehicle.

"Even if it isn't one of those Smart Cars, we figured it couldn't hurt to question the Charger," DeBusk explained. "Heck, even when they're not a 'Smart Car,' modern vehicles are smart enough to tell you your seat belt's not fastened and your headlights aren't on, maybe even that your fly's undone. So we figured it was possible that it had informed the players what it was in possession of."

DeBusk said the interrogation had proven unsuccessful thus far.

"So far, whenever we try to get it to open up, all we get from it is that little 'ping, ping, ping' noise followed by 'Intruder! Intruder! Please step away from the vehicle!' Intruder! Intruder!' We're not sure if it's playing dumb or really doesn't understand us."

The Charger is being held on charges of possession of illegal substances, intent to go armed, and several outstanding parking tickets...