This week's "Snark Bites"

If you haven't checked out my column at the KNS site, I hope you will. This week's entries:

 

9/26/08:

Commissioners' Trial Testimony to Fuel Hot Air Balloon Festival
Commissioner Moore's testimony alone said to be capable of inflating several balloons

 

9/25/08

President Declares War on the Economy

OKs "waterboarding" financial institutions, says economy aligned with "Axis of Evil"

 

9/24/08

Ragsdale Gets A++ Grade
"Ha! In your face, critics!" crows exultant mayor

 

9/23/08

Commissioners Flog Dead Horses
Other topics merely talked to death

 

Illegal Motions - new for Knoxville Voice

Busy, busy. This column has already come and gone from the Knoxville Voice Web site. Well, not really gone, just rotated back, behind Julie Auer gettin' schooled. So you can always go check it out there.

And I need to get busy withe another column. Busy, busy,busier...

Illegal Motions

IT'S POLITICAL FOOTBALL TIME IN TENNESSEE!

by Scott McNutt

This is John Ward with Bill Anderson. We’re seconds away from the kickoff of a new political season here in Big Orange Jumpsuit Country. A special called meeting of the Knox County Commission is about to get underway. Today’s struggle will be between Team Against Ragsdale Never Answering for Things; It’s Obviously Nefarious (TARNATIONs) and Team: Ragsdale Always Is Trying to Oblige Requests (TRAITORs) over the county grants program audit. Five true freshman commissioners and three redshirt commissioners are starting this year. And there they go…they’re saying their prayers…they’re reciting the Pledge of Allegiance…and…there’s the coin toss…there’s a mad scramble for the coin…IT'S POLITICAL FOOTBALL TIME IN TENNESSEE! What do we know about these eight youngsters, Bill Anderson, and how they’ll play today?

Bill: Well, John, I expect there’ll be a lot of strategy used in today’s game, but I reckon the teams’ll let their political ploys do the talking. The TARNATIONs haven’t been talking any trash, not wanting to give the TRAITORs any bulletin board material. About the players, well, John, they’re so green, I reckon you’d as soon mow ’em as play politics with them.

John: Greg "Lumpy" Lambert has emerged from the pile with the coin, so the TARNATIONs will start on offense first, as Lumpy calls a play…Three of the eight freshman did get significant playing time at the end of the last political season, didn’t they, Bill?

Bill: That’s right, John. Sam McKenzie, Richard Briggs and Dave Wright came in as subs for some other substitutes who went down with a severe case of sunburn from Sunshine Law exposure.

John: Lambert’s trying to make something happen for the TARNATIONs! …He’s got the play in…well, Bill, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a formulation like this before. It’s a call to censor Mayor Mike Ragsdale and prevent him from using the terms "move the county forward," "look after the county’s business," "look to the future," "read to children," "showboat," and "cleared of all charges."

Bill: Ohhh, that would cripple the TRAITORs! If he can’t use those six phrases, they’d lose about half their playbook!

John: Lumpy’s going in motion…he’s looking for help…he’s trying to pass the motion…oh, and freshman Commissioner Ed Shouse intercepts! What a "motion" of his own!

Bill: Yep, Lumpy never saw him coming. Shouse’s quiet, but he’s got some nifty moves in him, John!

John: Wait! The play’s not over! Is Lumpy…it appears…is he giving Shouse a one-fingered salute? Yes! ONE finger…in…his...face! That stopped Shouse in his tracks. Now Lumpy is aiming a foot at Shouse’s goal post! The kick is up….and…it’s…goo-DAH! Oh, what a hit! That rocked Shouse so much he, oh my goodness, he stumbled and fumbled!

Bill: You read that right, John! That finger really flew up in Shouse’s face. Lumpy’s a big boy, but he’s quick and he’s got a head on them shoulders. It’s put the TRAITORs right back on the defensive!

John: And that will cost the TRAITORs. They’re backed up in their own end with little time left. The TARNATIONs will have the ball when play is resumed. While there’s a time out on the field, Bill Anderson, let’s talk about the trio of freshman who already have playing time. Would you describe any as impact players?

Bill: Well, in the P-card audit tussle, Briggs used a trick play called the "Reasonable Man" standard, which pretty much stifled commission’s attack. Makes you wonder if he’s, ha ha, playing for the TRAITORs. In politics, it’s hard to tell one team from the other sometimes.

John: Now, play has resumed. Scott "Scoobie" Moore is going with a motion play for the TARNATIONs, but he’s having trouble getting the play off…he seems to have gotten his signals mixed up…the other players are obviously having trouble understanding him…there’s considerable confusion down there. He needs to pay attention to the play clock, Bill Anderson, he’s running out of time, wait, wait, he pulls it down and tries to run ahead with it, but he’s swarmed down by a host of TRAITORs.

Bill: He knew he was running out of time, John, so he just took off on his own, even though he was in the middle of a motion.

John: So here comes referee Thomas "Tank" Anderson gaveling him for illegal motion. Oh, will you look at that! Scoobie launched a fusillade against Tank. I don’t know what he said, but it costs the TARNATIONs possession. While we’re waiting for play to resume,of the other freshman players, Finbarr Saunders, Brad Anders, Amy Broyles, and Mike Brown, which will be lining up for the TRAITORs, Bill?

Bill: We may not get the chance to find out today, John. Time’s running out, and the man himself has decided to enter the game.

John: Yes, Mayor Mike Ragsdale is taking the podium! He’s not wasting any time, Bill. He really knows how to play this game! He fakes a handoff to Commissioner Mike Hammond and tucks it in! He’s calling his own number! He’s off and running! His tongue’s twisting, it’s turning…the TARNATIONs are trying to hit him with 50 interruptions, 40…he’s diving, spinning, driving, fighting! …He’s knifing through their defenses…yes, sir, ladies and gentlemen…he wishes he was running all the way to the state capital, but instead he's at the 20, the 15, the 10...GIVE...HIM...SIX!!! He keeps all six of his pet phrases! What is it? It’s a LETDOWN, TENNESSEE! The TRAITORs win again, Bill Anderson!

Bill: That they do, John. But it’s a long political season.

John: For Bill Anderson, this is John Ward, signing off.