Novum Amphibium Knoxiousvilum: Not Latest Toxic Fumes

The Sept/Oct issue of The Hellbender Press is out, and with it, the latest Toxic Fumes. You can find a copy of the new Hellbender at these fine locations, http://www.hellbenderpress.com/where, but you can read the unedited column below.

Novum Amphibium Knoxiousvilum

By Scott McNutt

KNOXVILLE, TN – A new, pollution-eating amphibious species is thriving in a creek watershed in a sleepy sub-Appalachian city, the Center for Confirming New Species announced today. The unprecedented discovery set off shockwaves in both the local and national political arenas, set creationists and evolutionists to clashing over the creature’s origins, and set up Knoxville and Knox County for a fall.

Discovered in Knox County’s First Creek watershed by local amateur species hunter Ricardoblan "Rikki" Hall, the large brown lizard has been designated Novum Amphibium Knoxiousvilum or "New Knoxville Amphibian." It mostly closely resembles a hellbender salamander, leading Hall to dub his discovery a "hellblender."

The new species is causing conniption fits locally because of its diet. Apparently subsisting on nothing but solid wastes and water and air pollution, the hellblender’s epicurean predilections have caused the EPA to void all current anti-pollution measures within the confines of Knox County and further declare that no new measures may be taken until a determination of the species’ rarity has been made.

Several businesses considering relocating to the area have suspended negotiations pending resolution of the issue and are likely to move elsewhere. Knoxville and Knox County, already stinking up EPA’s nonattainment doghouse for air quality issues, are therefore "Up First Creek without a taxpayer," according to Hall.

Reportedly, Knoxville City Mayor Bill Haslam took the anti-pollution ban philosophically. "Well, even though the city is suffering, my family is in the pollution-enablement business, so we’ll just keep making money like rabbits make whoopee," he is rumored to have said.

Knox County Mayor Mike Ragsdale’s reaction was more civic-minded. He welcomed the announcement of the new species and proposed to secure federal funds to build a transit center on it. Asked what he would do if federal funds were not forthcoming, he replied that he would propose that the hellblenders "pay a creek tax to fund a new library downtown and a school out west."

Local residents’ reactions to the new species were mixed. Of the announcement, Man about Downtown Knoxville Underground (AKA Knoxville’s Dark Underlord) Michael Haynes said, "If hellblenders support a downtown liquor store and curb their dogs, we welcome the little hellspawn with claws retracted." But when asked for his reaction, aboveground streetperson Diggin Dipper, who frequently camps near First Creek, only muttered something about not being able to trust the hellblenders with his valuables.

While the local New Knoxville Brewery celebrated the announcement of the new species by rolling out a new beer in its honor, the Hellblender Muddy Brown, Amber & Stout Git Yoreself Totally Polluted Brew, five Knox County Commissioners announced that they would sue to prevent hellblenders from appearing on the local ballot in the November elections.

In Washington, Tennessee Senator Lamar! Alexander said, "As long as the hellblenders agree not to build windmills in the First Creek watershed, I have no objection to recognizing their existence."

After watching a videotape of some of the newly found creatures playfully devouring a supermarket cart filled with aluminum cans someone had carelessly left in the creek, Retiring Tennessee Senator Doctor Pre-Presidential Candidate Bill Frist, M.D., reportedly diagnosed the hellblenders as "presenting with indications of significant brain function in both their occidental and prenatal lobes."

Upon learning of the new species’ existence, President Bush immediately dispatched Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice to negotiate a ceasefire agreement with the hellblenders. When it was explained to the president that the amphibians were, by all reports, peaceful, Mr. Bush is said to have proposed bombing them "just to make sure."

Sources report that First Lady Laura Bush talked the President out of this action by remarking how cute the creatures were and suggesting that maybe he could buy her a pair of hellblender-skin boots for Christmas, instead. Reportedly, the President then asked Mrs. Bush to "pull his finger" and ordered in a couple more shots and beers, then subsequently became absorbed in re-reading The Pokey Little Puppy and forgot about the amphibian menace.

Meanwhile, CREATIONISM (the Center for Recognizing the Existence of the Almighty through Technology, then Instituting the Omnipotent One in the National Infrastructure, Schools and Media) released a statement acknowledging the importance of the new species. The press release asserted that the discovery of a heretofore unknown species with such valuable attributes in such an already exhaustively documented region was so miraculous as to be a definitive refutation of evolution and proof of God’s ability to spontaneously generate whatever he wants, whenever he wants, wherever he wants. (Regarding the misspelling of their acronym, which should actually be CREATIOONISM, CREATIONISM spokesbeing Holly Rawler said, "The ‘O’ in ‘One’ is silent, in recognition of God’s silent, invisible hand guiding us in all things."

When asked for a reaction to CREATIONISM’s statement, no supporters of evolution were able to respond because they were all overcome with uncontrollable, spasmodic bursts of derisive laughter.

Eventually, species discoverer Rikki Hall snickered, "Yep, they got God’s hand up their asses all right."

Thus far, no comment has been forthcoming from the hellblenders themselves.

Taoist Cowboys - Body and Soul

Jeff Bills' posting of the St. James Sessions over on Knoxblab and Knoxviews recently reminded me that Lynnpoint records used to sell the Taoist Cowboys album, Punt.

The Cowboys were my favorite Knoxville band back when I used to go see live bands, mostly because they just seemed to be having a damn good time (although great, accesible pop hooks and witty lyrics helped too).

A couple years back, Jack Rentfro asked me to write the entry on the Cowboys for his Cumberland Avenue Revisited project. It's copied below, but it hardly does the 'boys justice.

Something I left out of the piece though, was that I was fortunate enough to actually get band member Scott Carpenter to put to music some song lyrics I'd written (which Scott amended and improved). "Body and Soul" even made it onto Punt.

Yeah, yeah, if my glory days are one song recorded by a local band that broke up in 1992, then the days weren't so glorious. That's ok. I'm still proud of it.

Lynnpoint doesn't appear to sell the CD anymore, but you can listen to and download all the songs from Punt here: http://www.lynnpoint.com/taoist_cowboys/index.html

I especially recommend Bob McCluskey's "Mind Chime" and "Shit on You." But the album is solid, through.

Anyway, below are the lyrics to that long-ago song, and below that, the brief bit I write for the Cumberland Ave project.

Body and Soul

Scott Carpenter & Scott McNutt

If I could give you the flesh from my bones

would it be enough to feed you?

If I could give you all that my heart holds

would it be enough to please you?

I don’t think so lately

But maybe a forty-hour week

in a suit and a tie

if that’s all it takes

I’ll try

Chorus:

You got me body and soul, you have control

to ashes and dust. Is it enough?

Does it satisfy your lust? I’ll pay your toll

but will I ever earn your trust?

If we were to dance arm in arm

would you lead if I followed?

If we were to see each other eye to eye

would I be what you’re looking for?

It don’t seem so sometimes

But maybe with a forty-hour week

in a suit and tie

if that’s what it takes

all right

Chorus

If I were to tell you the thoughts in my mind

would it be enough to know me?

If I could give you the embrace of my arms

would it enough to hold you?

I should hope so

‘cause that a forty-hour week

in a suit and a tie

are all that I have

to make you mine

Chorus

The Tao of Cow

by Scott McNutt

"Sloppy garage pop with heart." "Pop meets punk." "Music played by four guys who always drank way too much before getting on stage." These descriptions and many more have been put forward in an attempt to define the sound of the Taoist Cowboys. Probably all of them are accurate. The band was around from circa 1988-1992, friends and perhaps musical soul mates of other Knoxville-based bands of that era, like the JudyBats, the Swamis, and Smokin' Dave and the Premo Dopes. It's been said before that there is no "Knoxville Sound." I wonder. If not a sound, perhaps Knoxville has a musical spirit, which these bands captured. I won't attempt to articulate that spirit, other than to say "fun" must be a big component of it.

And the Taoist Cowboy shows were fun, memorably fun. Venues like Planet Earth, Manhattan's, China King, and Gryphon's witnessed the high-energy antics of the 'Cowboys and the 'Cowboys' fans. There was the night at Planet Earth when so many people were out on the floor dancing, I felt the floor trembling beneath me and wondered if it were about to collapse down into the ground level. What a way to go. There was the honor of being the first band to play in the newly relocated Longbranch. There was the beefy fellow in Gryphon's doing cartwheels to the tune "Dancing Bear," looking very much like a namesake for the song's title character. Whatever may be said of the the Taoist Cowboys' music, the live performances must always be remembered as part of the total package.

Not that the music cannot stand alone. Far from it. To these jaded ears, at least their second release, Punt still sounds fresh. Had the band been able to afford higher-quality production values and been somewhat more selective in song choice, "Cholo," their freshman effort, might rival "Punt." Even so, "Cholo" was selected as one of the Greatest Knoxville Records of the 1980s by Metro Pulse (Vol. , No. , 2000).

So what was their music like? Again, "fun," comes to mind. As does poignant, poppy, countryish, hard-driving, churning, burning, and yearning. From Cholo's twangy, country-tinged "Not Even Johnny," march-cadenced, alto-sax-accompanied "Baby Pool," and raucous rock rave-up "School Girl," to the jangly guitar-driven pop of Punt's "Back with You," sweet, shimmery "Mind Chime," and bass-stomping, guitar-crunching proto-metal "Liquid Plumr," the Taoist Cowboys charged through a gauntlet of musical styles, seemingly indifferent to where that charge might end up.

As it was, the band ended up stumbling over the rock of domesticity. Bassist, husband, and father Brad Deaton took a night job that interfered with playing regular gigs, and his bandmates, Jeff Bills, Bob McCluskey, and Scott Carpenter elected to disband rather than attempt to replace Deaton. All four ended up playing in various local bands after life in the 'Cowboys, Bills probably most famously in the now-also-defunct V-roys. Although Cholo is no longer available, Lynn Point Records issued Punt as a CD in 2000.