Normally, I wouldn't put this column up before the Hellbender hardcopy it's to appear in has been released. But I figure 1) Hellbender vol 8, no 6 will be on the stands any day now, and 2) all three people who might read the column here won't be swayed from picking up the paper just because of that. (But for that trio of readers, let me reaffirm the value of obtaining the hardcopy: Good nutrition in the reporting, good fiber in the editing.)
Let me doubly reaffirm that. I just picked up the hardcopy and the edited column's got quite a few more good bits in it. Plus, M. Gunner Quist's illustration accompanying the column is must-see hilarious.
So here's the latest "Toxic Fumes."
Toward a More Humane Society
by Scott McNutt
Normally, "Toxic Fumes" trades in lowbrow humor. But this is a serious column about a serious issue. A dire problem confronts our nation: pet overpopulation. Accurate numbers are unavailable, but based on data collected from large animal shelters around the nation, the American Humane Society estimates that 9.6 million cats and dogs were euthanized in the United States in 1996. The number of stray, domesticated animals that die outside shelters is unknown, but probably at least equals the total euthanized in shelters. And, of course, the numbers can have only grown in the ensuing decade. A reasonable projection might be a 30 percent increase. So, let us say 25 million unwanted animals will perish this year in the United States.
Twenty-five million unwanted animals. It’s unthinkable. And unacceptable. Some do-gooders will argue that the solution is to encourage responsible pet ownership. This appeal to rationality is touching, but reality is brutal. Convincing irresponsible pet owners to take proper care of their pets is an impossibility. You have more chance of passing a law mandating the spaying and neutering of pet owners who do not have their animals spayed and neutered than reasoning with such idiots.
A significant part of the problem is that currently, pets are seen as an end in themselves. They are something to be bought, brought home, played with for a time, and then discarded when mom and dad realize little Bobby won’t take care of Fido, and darn it, he pees in the corner. And while Bobby’s pissing, Fido’s chewing up the furniture. So Bobby is sent to the bathroom, and Fido is cast into the cold.
Even those pets that are well-cared for are essentially ornaments. At present, our society invests pets with no intrinsic value. Owners lavish food and attention on them, while in return the animals produce nothing but poop and hairballs. Oh, some romantics will argue that pets do offer more than crap and barf. Unconditional love, they’ll say, is what pets provide. Pfah. Unconditional love my ass. Unconditional love doesn’t pay the bills.
The principles of consumerism must be applied to the pet industry. America must come to think of pets like cars: useful, status-enhancing items to be maintained and replaced every few years. We need to get Americans keeping up with the Joneses’ dog.
So what’s needed is to make the trade-in value of a well-fed pet worth the investment. And a used pets industry must be developed as well. Animal shelters have a significant consumer base already trained to regularly visit them. All that’s needed is to build their foot traffic to become successful retail outlets.
If an outright shift in America’s pet paradigm can be effected, and animal shelters can establish a trade-in system, half the problem is solved. Then the pet industry, using puppy mills already in place, instead of producing 25 million unwanted pets each year, should easily turn out hundreds of millions of desired pets, none of which need die as outcasts.
What becomes of the used pets? Simple. All that’s needed is to educate the American palate and start serving up plates piled high with fresh, hot dogs and chili kitties. The problem of pet overpopulation is in reality an opportunity to capture an untapped market, with the perfect new fast-food franchise: Humane Hut! Or possibly Pizza Shelter. The name is crucial, so focus-group testing is a must.
Animal farming is a profitable industry. For instance, chicken farmers can typically grow birds weighing four or five pounds in about 45 days, with a feed conversion ratio of 2-to-1 or less. That ratio makes for a fat profit. Now, according to the Doris Day Animal Foundation, if you mate two cats and allow all of their descendants to breed, in seven years, their yield will be as many as 420,000 cats. Apply chicken farming principles to that equation and think of those 420,000 cats as the profit from 420,000 Happy Meals. Surely, with all the nutritional science already invested in pet feeding, savvy pet owners could raise crop after genetically enhanced crop of plump, succulent, profitable puppies too.
An ad campaign is needed to get consumers salivating like Pavlov’s dogs for meals like broiled shank of setter with a side of fried mice and calico cakes for dessert. If the campaign successfully changes America’s tastes, then the current homeless pet population becomes free advertising for Humane Hut menus. When a passerby sees an abandoned dog on the side of the road, rather than feeling compassion, pity or indifference, he would feel his stomach rumbling.
Cats and dogs would make up the bulk of the menu at most franchises, of course, but uncommon pets are frequently abandoned at animal shelters too. Perhaps some franchises could set up specialty shops, specializing in such delicacies as Gold Fish Filets, Guinea Pigs in a Blanket, Snake Steaks, Welsh Rabbit, Hamster Humus and Canary Custard Pie. Perhaps at even more upscale Humane Huts, a family could bring in an old pet, have it prepared right at the table, dine upon it, and leave with a new pet in its stead. Doggy bags would have a whole new meaning.
Beyond that, Cruella DeVille had the right idea: Every part of the animal should be used. Pelts, bones, guts – nothing should be wasted. For instance, canine testicles, properly prepared and marketed, might take American snacking predilections by storm. A catchy name and the right spices, say, jalapeno-flavored Zesty Testes (or maybe Cayenne Cohones?), and these useless bits might become the biggest snack hit since Little Debbies. Or perhaps Puffed Naddies is the next big thing in children’s breakfast cereals.
For this common sense solution to work, we must learn to obliterate that so-called virtue, "mercy," in dealing with pets. There is nothing merciful about letting these creatures live – living condemns most of them to an existence we prefer not to subject 1.3 million annually aborted unborn children to. And these are animals, not people. It’s not like they have feelings to hurt.
To this end, we must begin conditioning our children to utterly disdain the lives of their pets. Neighborhood stray animal hunts should be organized. An experienced sportsman who has hunted in large groups should oversee this operation. Vice President Dick Cheney would be ideal for the position. Pets bagged in the hunts would, naturally, be taken to the local Humane Hunt to be prepared as a victory repast for the successful hunters. Little Bobby, rather than being disciplined for not supervising Fido, would be trained to slaughter the dog and feast upon it instead.
Gandhi said, "The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated." Well, fuck Gandhi. Recycling pets is the best and final solution to pet overpopulation. Our moral progress will be judged by how many of our pets are eaten.
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