The new Hellbender is out, and I heartily recommend picking up a hard copy to read all the actual news and stuff. Meanwhile, here's another "Toxic Fumes."
Cooking Lame
by Scott McNutt
Hi, and welcome to Cooking Lame, the show where even the most incompetent celebrities can cook. I’m your host, Unca Shuss, and our guests this week are the most challenging bunch of incompetents we’ve had on the show yet. Please welcome the newly appointed Knox County Commissioners and their chief chefs, Scoobie Moore and Lumpy Lambert, plus the only independent-minded commissioner, Mark Harmon.
This week's theme dish is: Environmentally Friendly Chicken Soup for the Soul of Your Constituents. So let's start Cooking Lame with the Knox County Commissioners, beginning with one of the most flamboyant, Commissioner Greg “Lumpy” Lambert. Commissioner Lambert, what are you working on?
Lumpy: Well, Ah'm offering free guns to the studio audience, so they kin go out and shoot thar own chickens and avoid all them charges 'bout aminal cruelty those peepee people are always goin’ on about.
Peepee? You mean PETA?
Lumpy: Don't make fun of the way Ah talk, boy. Ah'm armed and dangerous!
And anybody who crosses you will have the lumps to show for it?
Lumpy: 'At’s about th’ size of it, boy.
All right then, Lumpy, just try to keep the lumps out of your soup, OK? Your constituents might want to know what your ingredients are.
Lumpy: They only need to know what Ah tell 'em.
At least you communicate that point clearly. Let’s now go to- Ah, young Commissioner Jordan. I see you have a live chicken and some eggs?
Jordan: Yeah, this will be chicken or egg-drop soup. I saw my mom do it many, many times. The thing of it is, I was never really paying attention, so I don't know where to start.
You don't know which comes first?
Jordan: That's right. But I'll work it out.
It's sort of like the dilemma you must have between serving the interests of your constituents versus loyalty to your family interests. Which comes first, eh?
Jordan: Huh?
Y'know, not knowing which comes first, the chicken or the egg, constituents or family? It's an analogy, an allusion to an old philosophical issue.
Jordan: I got no issues with allergies or illusions. If I can't work it, my mom'll tell me what to do.
That’s OK, it was a bad analogy anyway.
Jordan: You can’t say I’m a bad allergy!
I wasn’t actually talking about you, per se...
Jordan: I’m a County Commissioner!
And your mother must be very proud of that achievement.
Jordan: You bet she is.
We'll leave you to drop those eggs then. Just don't have them all in one basket when you do. Moving on, we come to Commissioner Richard Cate, who’s not doing anything. He seems to be at an impasse. Commissioner Cate?
Cate: I did not sexually harass that chicken! You can’t file suit against me!
Nobody’s alleged anything of the sort, Commissioner.
Cate: They haven’t?
No. Why would you think they had?
Cate: Never mind.
All right. Carry on. Now we come to…Say, it’s Commissioners Tim Greene and Jack Huddleston, collaborating openly on their recipes! This is a pleasant sight to see. Now, Commissioner Huddleston, what’s that you’re using to cook with?
Huddleston: Old tires.
You’ve really set a fire under that pot, even if the stench is almost unbearable. Why old tires?
Huddleston: Fires and tires is all I know. Same reason Tim here’s making the soup with flowers. It’s what he knows.
And I’m sure your shared experience will be a credit to the Commission. Next up, Commissioner Charles Bolus. Why Commissioner, you seem to have a dish ready? That soup looks...interesting. Mind if I taste it?
Bolus: Not at all, be my guest, I'm very pleased and proud to serve it.
Hmmmm. Very thin. It seems to be...water?
Bolus: That's right. I’m carrying this water for Scoobie and Lumpy. I'm waiting for them to tell me what ingredients to put in. I follow directions very well. That’s why I’m in education.
Well, be careful. You know what they say about cooks and broth. Hello, Commissioner Cawood. Let's see, you seem to be working with a gander?
Cawood: Yes, this is my what's-good-for-the-goose-is-good-for-the-gander chicken soup for the soul. After all, if my husband served on commission, why shouldn’t I? Why are all these people opposed to my serving? Is it because I’m a woman?
Could it be because you weren’t elected, and appointing you just because your husband recommended you, regardless of how well qualified or well intentioned you might be, stinks of nepotism? Sort of like your soup.
Cawood: My soup doesn’t stink.
Well, let’s just say the whole thing smells fishy. But it certainly spices up the conversation, eh? Speaking of which, let’s move on to Commissioner Frank Leuthold, the only appointee with previous Commission experience. What’s cooking, old timer? Or, should I say, what isn’t cooking, since it appears you haven’t started?
Leuthold: That’s right, lad. I’m calculating the caloric output required to prepare an environmentally friendly chicken soup that’s good for the soul of my constituents. Before you set out to do something, you need to know what expenditures are going to be required to decide if the project is worthwhile.
That’s commendable, Commissioner. What do your calculations show?
Leuthold: That the county budget’s goose is cooked.
Hmmm, sounds like we should consult Commissioner Cawood, then?
Leuthold: Good idea. I understand she has some experience with this sort of thing. Excuse me, Mrs. Cawood, are you ready for a bathroom break?
It’s all right, Commissioner Leuthold. You can talk here.
Leuthold: Nope, bathroom breaks are a tradition. Besides, someone might steal the recipe.
OK, while they’re doing that, we’ll move on to Commissioner Lee Tramel. Whoops, apparently Commissioner Tramel caught wind that it was bathroom time and has already left the set. He did take the time to handcuff his chicken before leaving. Thoughtful.
Well, that leaves Commissioner Mark Harmon. You don’t seem to have started work on your soup, either, Commissioner. You're lighting a match, holding it in the air, and letting it burn until it goes out. What's up?
Harmon: What I'm doing is symbolically lighting a candle against the darkness, hoping it will catch someone's attention and perhaps ignite a conflagration of protest against what's being done here today. It’s good for my soul.
I see the light. Well, good luck with that burning issue, Commissioner Mark Harmon. And finally we come to the master of ceremonies, the orchestrator of all that commission accomplishes, Commissioner Scott “Scoobie” Moore, who’s just returned from his own bathroom break with a…Is that a dead duck?
Scoobie: Yeah, it’ll do Mike Ragsdale’s soul good. I’m pleased to announce that I have a resolution to the chicken-soul recipe problem. Now, I just want to say here, I ain’t curryin’ favor for nobody, ain’t talked to a soul ’bout nothing while I was on break, and yew cain’t prove I did nothin’ wrong anyways. Mah momma didn’t raise no fool, yew know.
I think the jury’s still out on that one, Commissioner.
Scoobie: Jury? Didn’t I tell you, you cain’t prove nothin’? Nothin’, I tell you, is all Commissioners Leuthold, Cawood, Tramel and me talked ’bout in the bathroom. Nothin’, nothin’, nuttin’, you catch mah drift, boy?
I believe I do. Nothing is what you say.
Scoobie: Tha’s right, and don’t yew ferget it!
Those seem appropriate words to close the program with. Remember viewers, it’s up to you to decide whether these commissioners return to the program next season. Tune in next week, when Cooking Lame hosts County Mayor Mike Ragsdale, former County employee Tyler “Firewall” Harber, and District Attorney Randy Nichols as they try to bring a pot to boil without landing in hot water.
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