Old Yikes!: Urban Removal

This is one of my early Yikes! columns (circa 1998) that never made it on line. With the James Agee Park in Fort Sanders having recently been much in the news, this might be relevant to those who can remember the Fort's latest last stand.

 

Urban Removal

The James Agee Memorial Big Gaping Maw That Once Was Fort Sanders

by Scott McNutt

The community-spirited, historically and aesthetically minded Hysteric Fort Sanders Neighborhood Association has lost the battle it's been waging against Just Pancake It, AKA the money-grubbing, Weasel Developers. How did it happen? Heck if I know.

The outcome may have been determined simply by someone inducing "Bulldog" Ashe to roll over. If this is what occurred, I assume the Association tried reasoning with him, while the Weasels cannily went to the heart of the matter and scratched him behind the ears, patted his tummy, and gave him little bacon treats. Unfortunately, with the lure of a $5,000 bacon-flavored tidbit, the Weasels have now made the Association roll over and play dead, too.

That may sound unaesthetic, but let's be realistic: Who did Fort Sanders have on its side? Concerned citizens, activists, historians, artists, musicians, poets, small children, pets, kudzu…pretty much everybody except City Hall, right?

Now, who did the Weasels have on their side? Money. So who was City Hall inevitably going to side with? Right, we're back to rubbing Trader Vic's tummy again. And as repulsive as that may sound to you, Weasels have no compunctions. You can't really blame the Association for drawing the inescapable, obvious conclusion, dropping its compunctions, and offering up its belly, too.

Strangely, despite this obvious surrender and the evidence of a big, dirty, gaping, barren spot on 11th Street that used to be a row of beautiful homes, the Association is still making noises like "bring the neighborhood together" and "promote unity," as if it truly can't see what's going on. Maybe it's difficult for an organization so devoted to the preservation of the past to recognize that it has no future.

Wake up and smell the construction, people. Fort Sanders is already too far gone, hemorrhaging from a dozen mortal wounds. The buzzards and weasels are now simply stripping chunks of meat off the neighborhood's dying carcass. For you good citizens who want to preserve the Fort Sanders neighborhood, I havea "modest proposal": Forget it.

Follow the Association's example and go with the flow. Cease your pointless struggle against urban renewal and put the Fort out of its misery with a single, swift, killing stroke. In other words, stomp the sucker flat. Rip the neighborhood up by its foundations, tear down every last priceless piece of Victorian architecture, and embrace our cookie-cutter condominium destiny.

Everyone who loves Fort Sanders, pitch in! Destroy something precious and vital today! Where once was the most diverse, fun, and convenient neighborhood in the city, just trash everything and leave a huge, vacant, yawning chasm. And when I say "everything," I am, of course, excluding all UT and Fort Sanders hospital property, and all parking meters.

Now, I have some suggestions about what use we might make of the Big Hole That Used To Be Fort Sanders. But first, to make it sound more prestigious, I propose that we append a phrase to the front of Knoxville's Big Pit O' Damnation. The phrase is "The James Agee Memorial --" plus whatever we happen to call The Big Gaping Maw That Was Once Fort Sanders And Is Now The Gateway To Hell. I suggest this particular phrase because Agee was such a good sport when his childhood home in Fort Sanders was torn down for an apartment complex back in the sixties. Of course, this may be explained by his being dead when it happened.

My first suggestion for how to use The James Agee Memorial Big Black Hole Sucking The Life Essence Out Of Knoxville is to turn it into a landfill. What could be more natural? After all, we have no use for this unique historical neighborhood, but we always need more dumps. Besides, given the treatment the neighborhood gets every fall from the influx of Vol lemmings and every day from the absentee landlords, you'll have to admit that Fort Sanders already pretty much is a dump. And think how convenient (and symbolic) a landfill at the center of the city would be!

Another possible use for The James Agee Memorial Scarred, Pitted, Ruined Landscape That Prisoners Of War Should Be Shot And Dumped In is to turn it over to its original owners, meaning the Cherokees. They could build a casino on the site and call it The James Agee Memorial Big Teepee By The Tennessee River Casino Resort.

In this venture, I vow that I would do my share. Because I am part Cherokee, I personally guarantee that I will assumejoint ownership of the club and reap vast profits while ignoring the plight of the poor Knoxvillians who gamble their life savings away in my casino.

My last idea for the use of The James Agee Profusely Bleeding Hole Shot Straight Through The Heart Of Knoxville is to just leave it as is. I think having an enormous, raw, devastated, muddy space where Fort Sanders once was would precisely symbolize the hole in the soul of our city.

In a ghoulish, slow-down-as-you-pass-a-car-wreck sort of way, it would attract tourists from far and wide who would want to see what could happen in their own cities, given the right amount of mental myopia from their local officials. Of course, to accommodate the constant flow of visitors to The James Agee Memorial Big Ol' Hole In The Center Of The City, we'd have to build a parking lot where Sequoyah Hills is now. Maybe we could put in a cell phone transmission tower while we're at it.