"Snark Bites" 1/25-31

1/30
Fear of Snakes Stops Judicial Commissioner Candidate
Would have to deal with them all the time as commissioner

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. Knox County General Sessions Court judges on Thursday rejected one judicial commissioner appointed by County Commission earlier in the week and approved another with strings attached, but didn't explain why he had to be tied up with string. Judicial commissioners are licensed attorneys who sign criminal warrants and conduct the initial court appearances of prisoners.

In a letter to County Commission Chairman Thomas "Tank" Strickland and copied to all commissioners, General Sessions Court Presiding Judge Andrew Jackson VI wrote that the appointment of Assistant Deputy Law Director David Creekmore was "not approved," apparently because of his longstanding fear of snakes. Meanwhile, the appointment of Knoxville Vice Mayor Mark Brown was "conditionally approved, pending whether Mr. Brown can snatch the string from his finger."

Jackson asked that Commission act quickly to replace Creekmore as an appointee, indicating his preference for a snake charmer in the position. The judge did not, however, offer an explicit reason for the decision either in the letter itself or in an interview with a reporter.

"He was not approved. Other than that and saying that, in this job, you have to deal with snakes all the time, I can't comment," Jackson said.

Law Director Bill Lockett said he was surprised by the decision but wouldn't ask for an explanation.

"When I'm surprised or puzzled or confused by the mysterious ways of judges, I don't ask for explanations," Lockett said. "I don't think that's proper. It's not showing sufficient deference. They prefer to cast this impenetrable veil of inscrutability over their proceedings, and I bow down before that. Because I'm only a lawyer, and I know what's good for me..."

1/29
UT: $416,000 in Bonuses "Proves the Importance of Education"
Dumb PR move said to be part of overall strategy to answer the question, "Is our administration learning?"

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. The $416,000 in bonuses the University of Tennessee's development staff will receive is part of an overall strategy to show how much the UT administration could have learned from its own public relations classes, said President John Petersen.

"Awarding these bonuses demonstrates how clueless UT's administration is," explained Petersen. "And in doing so, it shows how important education is. Just think how much better we'd have handled this if we'd actually taken some of our own PR courses."

Petersen went on to explain that awarding the bonuses was part of an overall strategy to demonstrate the administration's incompetence.

"Oh, yes," said Petersen. "The bonuses are just a small part of an overall strategy of impotence. You can count on more moves like this one garnering us more bad press in the coming fiscal year. We're hoping to demonstrate such a crying need for our own education that we start getting donations out of sheer pity."

UT explained the details of the "Administration Incompetence Compensation Plan" Wednesday, even as UT students and employees continued protesting as much as $100 million in state funding reductions.

President John Petersen sent notice Monday to members of UT's board of trustees explaining that bonuses were part of last year's money and couldn't be cut from this year's budget.

"It's old money, so we couldn't use it in the new year, anyway," wrote Petersen. "It's sort of like that annoying cell phone commercial about old rollover minutes. This old 2008 money just isn't any good in our 2009 financial crisis..."

1/25
County Fleet Task Force to Mull Replacing Take-Home Vehicles with Tricycles
Sheer vanity, keeping up with the Joneses among justifications given for needing take-home vehicles

From APB Reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. Sport utility vehicles and big pickup trucks are the preferred forms of transportation among Knox County employees who have offered excuses for having take-home vehicles to the County Commission task force examining fleet expenditures. Excuses offered thus far for the big gas-guzzlers include "staying one step ahead of the bad guys," "it's the only type of vehicle that befits the necessary level of comportment and decorum for the importance of my station," and "hey, I have to have something to haul my ego around in."

The task force, which began meeting this month, has expressed interest in shifting the county fleet more toward vehicles that are more environmentally friendly. Vehicles under consideration include tricycles, Big Wheels and Radio Flyer Wagons.

There are 52 SUVs among the 136 take-home cars reported by executive branch departments and independent offices such as the property assessor.

The Sheriff's Office is not included in the list because the sheriff's chief counsel, Mike Ruble, got snippy and flashed some major 'tude when the News Sentinel requested a list of which sheriff's office vehicles are take-home cars and who drives them.

"As I am sure you know, it is not our duty to create unofficial documents for the sole purpose of media consumption," said Ruble. "Rather, it's our duty to protect the citizens of Knox County, and to do so, we must stonewall and obfuscate when we get information requests. Because if the criminals we pursue knew the size and model of the vehicles we drive, they'd just steal bigger vehicles with greater horsepower, more legroom and better gas mileage. Pretty soon, we'd be in the middle of an escalating Vehicle Size War and find ourselves battling the villains in fighter jets. To stay one step ahead of the bad guys, our vehicle information must stay confidential, so we aren't just keeping up with the Joneses, but supassing them..."