"Snark Bites" 11/22-28/09

11/27

City Renews Unspecific, Inoffensive, Yet Semi-Christmasy Holiday Tradition

Theme of this year's nondenominational, nonjudgmental seasonal shindig: Commerce

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, TN - Once again, the festive yellow and orange lights of the tow trucks cast their heavenly glow against Gay Street's skyline as the Fete of the Towing of the Cars® launched the traditional Lighting of Generic White Lights in Cone Formations Festival®. The lights festival in turn kicks of the 31st annual Unspecific, Inoffensive, Yet Semi-Christmasy Holiday Celebration in the City®.

This year's nondenominational, nonjudgmental seasonal shindig's theme is "Commerce, and the Cartoon Christmas Characters Used to Drive It"™. Featured characters of this year's theme include Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer®, Frosty the Snowman®, and Charlie Brown, the Lovable Loser Who Learns the True Meaning of Christmas®. Previous celebration themes have included "White Lights/Black Friday," "Silver and Gold All Season Long," "Tax Recapture and Release," "Shamelessly Commercial Christmas Jingles" and "Secular Humanism."

The ceremony will be solemnly capped off with a display of red, white and blue fireworks as Rudolf, Frosty and Charlie Brown throw the switch lighting up a 38-inch tall deciduous shrubbery in Krutch Park. The decision to use a size-challenged shrub is part of an overall municipal effort to make the holidays more inclusive of diverse foliage amid concerns that different sizes and types of trees and other flora might feel slighted by the celebration's long-running focus on large evergreens.

Although the streets were packed with onlookers for the Fete of the Towing of the Cars, Michael Haynes, a long-time enthusiast of the event, said the celebration had lost some of its luster in recent years.

"They give the vehicleans too much warning these days," explained Haynes. "Used to be, the city'd put up 'Temporary no parking, 6 p.m.-9 p.m.' signs, then start the towing of the cars at 4:30 just for fun. The looks on the faces of the frantic shoppers running out of the stores: priceless. But now, they start towing when they say they will. Back when I was a lad, I bet the tow truck companies would capture two, three hundred vehicles. They've made it too sporting, too humane now. They've robbed the festival of all its surprise and joy."

Bill Lyons, the city's Senior Director of Communicatin' the Christmas Spirit, faced tough questions from the media over the controversial decision to include blue lights in the traditional Generic White Lights in Cone Formations Festival. The justification previously put forth for using only white lights in the event was that white light includes the entire spectrum, so all colors of light were equally represented by the white. Lyons was asked if there were a special significance to the inclusion of the blue lights.

"No," Lyons said. "There is no special significance to the blue."

But the press persisted.

"Was there pressure to have colors other than white represented in the lights this year?" asked the collected media representatives.

"We just thought we'd add a little color," said Lyons.

"Oh, come on. You have to have a reason. There must be a meaning behind it," insisted the media.

"No," said Lyons.

"Was it to show support for the Kentucky Wildcats in tomorrow's game against the Tennessee Vols?" asked the media.

"No," answered Lyons.

"Was it in tribute to Elvis's 'Blue Christmas'?" asked the media.

"You know what, I'm going to let Mickey Mallonee, the city's Coordinator of Rationalizing Arcane Special Events Decisions, take over here," said Lyons.

"Good grief, no, it's not a tribute to Elvis," said Mallonee.

"Is blue the traditional Christmas color of Poland or some other un-American country or something?" asked the media.

"The what of what," said Mallonee. "I don't kn- Look, we just have blue lights this year, all right?" ...

11/25

Potential Mayoral Candidate Cosby Faces Identity 'Clarification'

To be or not to be Republican: That is the question

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Potential Knox County mayoral candidate Lewis Cosby is undergoing a crisis of political faith and is seeking "clarification" of his political identity in the coming months, he announced today.

A former certified public accountant, sometime television station manager and full-time critic of County Mayor Mike Ragsdale's administration, Cosby picked up petitions to run for county mayor next year both as an Independent and as a Republican.

"I was taught to always be open-minded about political orientation," said Cosby, 59. "I'm keeping my options open. If I need to undergo an identity clarification procedure to transform myself into a viable political candidate, I think I have the flexibility for that. Just don't call me a Democrat - not that there's anything wrong with them."

Cosby has combed mayoral financial records for discrepancies in everything from purchasing card reports to the budget, and has offered to brush, wash, lather, rinse and repeat his criticism of the mayor's handling of his financial house.

"I want to make sure that, in me, the voters of Knox County have the best option for Knox County mayor," said Cosby, who is on the Knox County Ethics Committee. "This will be a pivotal year, and I want to make sure I am the right person there to fix the fulcrum, whichever way it sways. That's why I will gaze into the navel of my political positions to determine if I can maintain those positions and still be the candidate who wins the election. If not, those stances will change."

Cosby says it's important that voters know who is and what he stands for, which is why he is taking the time now to find out for himself.

"Yes, I want to clear myself, I mean, I want to be very clear on this myself," clarified Cosby. "Who am I? Am I Republican? Am I Independent? Am I some new hybrid that might appeal to a liberal, moderate and conservative viewpoint, to peaceniks, tea partiers and Palintologists alike? I don't know. That's what I'm going to find out..."

11/24

Knox County Government Facing Cancellation?

With cast members departing, can county government still entertain?

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Amidst a rash of announcements that several of its most popular characters will not be back for the 2010-2011 season, the long-running Knox County Government may face the prospect of dwindling viewership as citizens lose interest in its antics.

Media favorite Victoria DeFreese confirmed yesterday that she would not return to the role of "Knox County Commissioner Victoria DeFreese" next season, saying, "I intend to spend less time in the limelight and more time with my family - although I have deepest sympathy for the limelight's loss."

Meanwhile, contract negotiations with the Law-Director-Everybody-Loves-to-Hate, Bill Lockett, remain at an impasse, during which he has refused to leave his dressing room to take part in any of his assigned scenes. It appears likely that he will be phased out of the production over the course of the next two years, as understudy Joe Jarret transforms the role into the Law-Director-Everybody-Loves-to-Like.

Other fan favorites who have already left or announced their imminent departure include Mike Ragsdale, Mark Harmon, Thomas "Tank" Moore, Greg "Lumpy" Lambert and Scott "Scoobie" Moore. Moore was booted from the production after a series of highly publicized smirk-ups with current cast member "Our" Larry Smith.

Moore has continued to lobby unsuccessfully for reinstatement, publicly promising to be less smirkful, but it's believed Moore's emotive range runs only from smirk to pout. However, some talk has centered around spinning Moore off into a show of his own, The Smirks, in which he would play multiple roles, including Papa Smirk, Jokey Smirk, Grouchy Smirk and Smirkette.

South Knox County used car dealer Paul Pinkston, who plays "Knox County 9th District Commissioner Paul Pinkston" in the local government, is still weighing his return to the series. It's rumored that, in exchange for his return, Pinkston is demanding higher billing and his own special nickname - possibly "Peevish."

With the loss of so many distinctive characters, can Knox County government continue?

Bill Lyons, the City of Knoxville's Senior Government Drama Critic, thinks so.

"Governments, like TV series, can endure all kinds of casting changes," explained Lyons. "It's cyclical. People tend to forget that, not even 8 years ago, the hottest ticket in town for government controversy and political theater was Knoxville city government...