"Snark Bites" 03/29-04/04

04/03
Black Hole, White Elephant Gobble City, County Budgets
Convention center, Minvilla Manor: ravenous devourers of public funds

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. Two projects much doted upon by local government officials appear to be eating their governments out of house and home - and political capital. The Knoxville Convention Center white elephant, the pet of Mayor Bill Haslam's father, "Big" Jim Haslam, will require additional public feedings this year. And black hole has been discovered at the heart of Minvilla Manor, the pet project of Volunteer Ministries and the 10-Year Plan to Fund Chronic Homelessness, and a favorite of Mayors Haslam and Ragsdale.

A black hole develops when too much matter, usually in the form of cash and investments, gets concentrated in one project and becomes so dense that a gravity sink, also known as a money pit, cash drain, boondoggle or black hole, is formed.

Black holes can suck up all available funding and put such a strain on government resources and energy, that government officials wear themselves out dumping funds into the monstrous, money-sucking boondoggle. If not checked, black holes can grow to consume nearby properties, neighborhoods and even entire political futures...



04/02
Commission May Hold Sing-Off for Seat Reduction
Commissioners could adapt Marvin Gaye songs to decide who stays and who goes

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. While the Knox County Redistricting Committee was approving guidelines for redrawing district lines yesterday, an ad-hoc committee of Knox County Commissioners discussed proposals to determine which seats will be eliminated in the coming reduction of the commission chairs from 19 to 11. Commissioner Mark Harmon suggested the method that drew the most interest: Adapting Marvin Gaye songs, singing them before a live audience at the next commission meeting and deciding by audience reaction who keeps their seat.

"Marvin Gaye did several songs that seem well-suited to this occasion," said Harmon. "'What's Going On,' 'Mercy, Mercy Me' and 'I Heard It through the Grapevine,' just to name a few. Each of us could choose one, change the lyrics to fit the context, sing it for the audience, and whoever gets the most applause, their chair is retained and whoever gets the least is eliminated."

"Why not just choose one song and whoever does the best rendition, their seat stays?" recommended Commissioner Paul Pinkston.

"The same song 19 times? Don't be silly!" retorted Harmon.

"Well, why not?" persisted Pinkston.

"Because who wants to hear the same song 19 times," interjected Commissioner Amy Broyles. "The audience would get tired, and whoever sang the last 8 times would be the losers, obviously. I mean, by the time you got to the 19th, the audience would have a nervous breakdown."

Mayor Mike Ragsdale, who attended the meeting at the courtesy of the commissioners, offered a different concept.

"Couldn't you make it Lou Rawls songs?" pleaded the mayor. "I do a killer version of 'You'll Never Find.'"

He then sucked in his breath and intoned in a somewhat thin tenor,

I'll never find, as long as I live,
Someone who loves me tender like I do.
I'll never find, no matter where I search,
Someone who cares about me the way I do...


04/01
County Toots Horn for 'National County Government' Week
Knox to promote week of "good government awareness," May 3-9

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. Knox County is tooting its horn over its role in "National County Government" Week, May 3-9 - and county officials say they want you to do the same.

At a press conference this morning, Dwight Van de Vate, Knox County Mayor Mike Ragsdale's chief of staff, said, "We're so excited about announcing Knox County's participation in National County Government Week, we want to toot our horns about it! We'll be tooting on plastic kazoos and cardboard noisemakers at noon today, and we want the citizens of Knox County to join us! At lunchtime today, if you're in your vehicle, honk your horn in honor of your favorite county official or employee."

Knox County has teamed in a special cooperative effort with the Knoxville Tourism & Sports Corp., to promote the week. "Toot Knox County's Horn" will be the promotional slogan, said KTSC President Gloria Ray, and giant kazoos will be installed around the county, which, when tooted upon, will play a "fun-filled phrase that says something interesting and useful about Knox County."

"We're sure they'll be an enormous hit," said Ray. "And they were a steal at only $5,000 to $17,000 each..."


03/30
Lambert Threatens to Talk Commission to Death
Escalation of censorship flap may engulf entire commission in confabulation conflagration

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. In a growing war of words that threatens to plunge Knox County's legislative body into palavering pandemonium, Commissioner Greg "Lumpy" Lambert has accused fellow Commissioner Colonel Doctor Richard M. Briggs, M.D., of politically correct motivations in his efforts to censor Lambert for an incident at the March 23 County Commission meeting. And Lambert has warned that he will not be silenced - that he will, in fact, "talk Knox County Commission to death" to preserve the idea of freedom of speech.

"My vocals cords are my strongest firepower, my mouth my most potent cannon and my tongue my most explosive missile in the never-ending battle to keep the right to insult and intimidate people at commission meetings open to all," explained Lambert. "I won't take this lying down. I'll take it sitting down and talking, the way I usually do."

Lambert referred to talk that Briggs, a heart surgeon, wants to run for county mayor.

"And to do that, he thinks you have to be a yellow-bellied, chicken-livered, skunk-striped, fraidy-cattish, 'politically correct' jellyfish,'' said Lambert. " You have to be all nice and sweet and kissy-faced and never say the tough things people don't want to hear, which is why he wants to silence me, because what I say, people don't want to hear..."