"Snark Bites" 04/12-18

4/17
UT Vols to Scrimmage Knox County Officials
Exhibition match will replace traditional Orange & White game, raise funds for TIF project

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. The UT Vols' traditional Orange & White Game will not be held tomorrow, it was announced today. Instead, Knox County government officials will play an exhibition match against the University of Tennessee Volunteers football team.

Tickets will be scalped at the gates, and proceeds will help fund a Tax Increment Financing (TIF) project for a local blighted developer. Dwight Van de Vate, chief of staff for County Mayor Mike Ragsdale, said it would be a "great opportunity for Knox Countians to see county officials display good sportsmanship, because folks don't get many chances to see that in our government."

Mayor Ragsdale, acting as coach for Knox County, will lead a group of county officials and members of the Knox County Commission against new UT Coach Lane Kiffin's first Volunteer football team. Ragsdale said he thought the county had a "realistic shot" of winning the game.

"I realize they're football players and we're not, but we have a few trick plays up our jersey sleeves," said Coach Mayor Mike Ragsdale. "We've perfected our 'stonewall' defense during all the scrutiny my office has undergone. I'm an old hand at the old 'duck-and-cover' play, and several of our commissioners are masters of the 'pass-the-buck.' And everybody in county government knows the old fumblerooski. So, you know, I don't want to give them any scoreboard material, but we're a veteran team and I think we can put a few goalposts up on them."

One county official who's raising expectations as high as new property appraisals is County Property Assessor Phil Ballard. Ragsdale, however, was clearly seeking to prevent his rising star from getting a swelled head.

"Phil's doing OK," commented Ragsdale. "He's developed a knack for doing the old end-around. Now, we just have to teach him to do against the other team as well as he does it on citizens."

UT Coach Lane Kiffin explained that the scrimmage was an important lesson for his players...


4/16
Protesters 'Angry About Incompetence, Incumbents, Excess and Everything!!! (AAiiEE!!)'
Local "Protesters Without A Cause" join national "AAiiEE!!" movement

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. In a show of discontent with government incompetence as represented by TVA's coal-ash spill and Rep. Stacey Campfield's antics, a crowd Knoxville police estimated to top 1,700 people gathered on Market Square and dumped toy campers in the TVA fountains as part of a national "Angry About Incompetence, Incumbents, Excess and Everything!!! (AAiiEE!!!)" demonstration.

The local affiliate of AAiiEE!!!, who call themselves Protesters Without A Cause, Knox Ensemble (P-WACK-E), dumped the toy campers in the TVA fountains to "protest government waste and incompetence as personified in the extreme locally by TVA management and Stacey Campfield," said P-WACK-E spokesperson and organizer Kewl Tuffingdome. Curiously, Tuffingdome also said she lived in Campfield's district and voted for him often.

"Oh my, yes, I've voted for Stacey in every one of the previous elections he's been in - however many that's been now, 22, 23?" explained Tuffingdome. "He's such a nice young man, always knocking on my door, begging for my vote. Utterly incompetent - but so very nice."

Asked why she voted for Campfield if he was incompetent, Tuffingdome replied, "Why, it's important to have incompetents in office so we can hold these protests. Stacey is a symbol of incompetence we can really rally 'round. The truth is, a whole lot of us P-WACK-Ers voted for the boy. We vote him in, and then complain about the way government is run and then burn him in effigy. It gives us something to do."

Campfield had good-naturedly promised to take part in a dunking booth at the protest. He did appear briefly, but was spotted by process servers who are trying to serve him with a summons to Knox County General Sessions Court to answer charges by Meredith Leahy, a former tenant of an apartment in a house Campfield owns at 1122 Stewart St.

Leahy is suing Campfield for not returning her $585 deposit, plus the court's $102 filing fee and court costs, records show. Leahy alleges that Campfield refused to inspect the premises after she cleaned it to move out before her lease expired on July 31, 2008, and he has avoided talking to her ever since, so she filed suit to get her deposit back.

The process servers almost caught Campfield as he clambered into the dunking booth, but he saw them, splashed water on their summons to make them illegible, then made a dramatic dash across the World's Fair Park with the servers close on his heels, as the assembled throngs wildly cheered him on.

Campfield was last seen swimming upstream in the Tennessee River, his pursuers having given up the chase at the shore...


4/15
Group Wants Knox County Commission to Go Forward Backwards
"Going back to the way we were is the only way we can move forward," says spokesperson for group fighting commission downsizing

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. A group trying to reverse last fall's vote that reduced the size of the Knox County Commission filed a motion Monday afternoon asking Chancellor Mike Moyers to build a time machine and travel back in time and revisit their lawsuit, which he tossed out last month.

Moyers dismissed the case March 9, saying none of the plaintiffs had the legal standing to make the time-travel request, and besides, time journeys always end badly anyway.

County Commissioner Dave C. Wright, who represents East and North Knox County's 8th District, was among the plaintiffs. Other plaintiffs were Charles Drew, D. H. Andrew, Dustin Corum, Lee R. Johnson, Patti Walker, Carson Dailey, Marvin Marvin, and attorney Marty McFly.

The lawsuit, filed in November, seeks to fight entrenched nepotism, cronyism, favoritism and factionalism by targeting the Knox County Election Commission's certification of the Orange Petition, which led to a measure on last fall's ballot to reduce the number of county commissioners from 19 to 11, establishes anti-nepotism and conflict-of-interest policies and prohibits county employees from serving on the County Commission.

Voters narrowly approved the measure. The plaintiffs argued that, despite appearing to be aligned with their concerns, the anti-nepotism, cronyism, favoritism and factionalism amendment that passed was, in reality, a cleverly disguised tool of Knox County's behind-the-scenes powerbrokers, and was actually designed to help them maintain their power hold.

"Doc, you gotta believe me," explained Marty McFly, attorney for the Anti-Now Nine. "The group that used subterfuge to get this motion on the ballot is trying to maintain the behind-the-scenes power of Knox County's current Powers That Be."

"TPTB - that means The Powers That Be, if you didn't catch that - are trying to maintain their power by changing the status quo in order to maintain the status quo," added the Anti-Now Nine spokesperson Marvin Marvin. "They are very clever that way. But we are trying to break the power of TPTB. And since TPTB are trying to maintain the status quo by changing it, we are fighting to change the status quo by keeping it the same. The only course is for Knox County to go forward by going back. Going back to the way we were is the only way we can move forward..."


The Dogwood Snark Festival Is Underway!
Festival offers "Dogwoods gone wild!" in startling new direction for staid celebration

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. Call it a midlife crisis. Or maybe it's just a case of changing with the times. However you characterize it, as it approaches its 50th anniversary next year, the Dogwood Arts Festival is branching off in shocking new directions.

Lisa Duncan, who became executive director last June, said she is promoting a broader vision that combines kitsch, pop culture and food.

"We want Knoxville to be an arts destination city, but we did a survey last year and the only thing people ever seem to remember about Dogwood Arts is funnel cakes and artsy-craftsy-kitschy trinkets," she said. "So we are embracing what's memorable: Next year, we'll be renaming ourselves the Funnel Cake Arts Festival. But this year, we're throwing open the rest of the event to experimentation. Call it 'Dogwoods gone wild!'"

Duncan said that, despite the name remaining "Dogwood Arts Festival" this year, the organizers want to begin transitioning from dogwoods to funnel cakes in 2009.

"We want to honor our history and tradition with the dogwoods, so this year we are introducing Woody, the Dogwood Dog," explained Duncan. "The Woodies are little robot dogs that will guide visitors to different events and bark brief descriptions of each event. They will stay with us in the new Funnel Cake Arts Festival next year, and I'm sure people are going to love them."

However, robot dogwood dogs aren't the only way the festival will mark its heritage.

"We want to begin phasing in the funnel-cake emphasis this year," said Duncan. "Since funnel cakes are already such a fixture of the festival, it only seemed natural to find a way to combine the cakes and the dogwoods. So this year, the Dogwoods Trails will all feature funnel-cake shaped dogwoods. It's amazing what you can do with topiary..."