"Snark Bites" 05/03-09

5/9
Knox GOP Fears 'Democratic Virus'
Republicans yearn to wipe Democratic contamination from elections office

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Knox County's administrator of elections post is still held by a single, solitary Democrat, and local Republicans still want to "erase the last taint of Democratic power - the final, faint whiff of Democratic odor in county political offices," says Ray Jenkins, chairman of the Knox County Republican Party.

"Elections administrator Greg Mackay is a liberal blot, a blemish, a smear, a splotch - he's a huge dark left-wing spot on the clean carpet of our new GOP-majority on the county Election Commission," said Jenkins. "I urge the county's state legislators to be the Resolve® Carpet Cleaner that removes this stain and restores a state of immaculate purity to our wall-to-wall Republican carpeting in Knox County. Let's have no more Democratic dirt tracked on our clean Republican rug."

Mackay has served as elections administrator for six years and has been described by election commissioners from both parties as "not really a stained carpet so much as a serviceable throw rug in a high-traffic area." However, the Republican members broached the idea in March of describing him more as a welcome mat in need of sweeping or possibly as an itch that needed to be scratched.

At their last meeting, members of the Knox Republican Executive Committee gloated about their newfound majority.

"To the spoiled belongs the victor!" proclaimed Jenkins.

"Are we really spoiled just because we want all Knox officeholders to be Republicans?" asked Secretary Joy McCroskey.

"I think the saying is, 'To the victor belongs the spoils,'" corrected Phyllis Severance, First Vice-Chairman of the committee.

"Victor? We're not going to let him back in the club, are we?" cried Marvin Marvin, an enthusiastic proselyte of the committee.

"Isn't he still in Poland?" mused Treasurer Nick McBride.

"I don't want Victor back! I thought Tim Hutchison was our secret, shadowy overlord!" wailed Marvin.

"Shhhhhh!" admonished the rest of the group.

"No, no, no! 'Victor' - conqueror, vanquisher, subjugator: winner. 'Spoils' - plunder, swag, booty: loot," explained Severance.

"Oh, you mean we won all the marbles, so we get to kick dirt in the loser's face?" said Marvin. "How do we do that?"

"Good question. Let's talk about that," said Jenkins. "How we can we extend our domination in Knox County to total, outright control? Anyone? Anyone?"

The executive committee eventually decided to first seek the Knox County law director's opinion on whether they should harass Mackay from office or simply badger state legislators to remove him. County Law Director Bill Lockett, embarrassed by their covetousness, has yet to respond.

Complicating the issue is a recent state attorney general's opinion warning that county elections administrators ousted for purely partisan reasons would have grounds to sigh, shake their heads, roll their eyes and call those ousting them "sore winners..."


5/8
House OKs Guns in Nurseries Bill
Senate still mulling controversial "guns on dogs" bill

From APB reports. NASHVILLE - The state House voted 66-23 Thursday to accept the Senate version of legislation authorizing toddlers to take weapons into preschools that serve milk and cookies.

The House version included a "nappy time" each day from 9-10 a.m. and 1-2 p.m. when the youngsters would have been required to surrender their weapons to their teachers and put their heads down on their desks. Also, the House version contained a ban on guns in "age-restricted venues," that is, in maternity wards with infants too tiny to hold a gun, except possibly a derringer, and during the "terrible twos," when toddlers are subject to temper tantrums.

At a meeting of a House-Senate conference committee on Monday, the House members voted 3-2 to abandon those restrictions. As he fired his Glock G17 safe action handgun into the air in celebration, Rep. Curry Todd, R-Collierville, sponsor of the bill, characterized elimination of the restrictions as "something we could really be proud of - now, when toddlers have a dispute over who had the red crayon first, instead of squalling and pulling hair, they can resolve it in a civilized manner."

The Senate, which approved the bill 26-7 last month, is expected Monday night to reaffirm its previous position, making way for Gov. Phil Bredesen's review. Most legislators expect he will not veto it, since a veto can be overridden by a simple volley of shots in the House and Senate.

The bill passed both houses with all chambers emptied, which supporters said would probably make a veto futile even if Bredesen was so inclined.

"A veto would be so full of holes by the time it reached us, it would be unenforceable," said Rep. Joe McCord, R-Maryville.

"This is a proud moment for Tennessee," said Todd. "Now all preschoolers can pack pistols for self-defense. No more will they be babes in the woods. Now they'll all be babes in arms. No more armless babes, that's been my motto since we launched this legislation."

Regarding the elimination of the age-restriction provision, House Speaker Emeritus Jimmy Naifeh quipped, "Guns are welcome in more places than screaming infants are."

Naifeh also told Todd he had been "a little mischievous" by supporting armed infants.

"There's nothing mischievous about arming babies," said Todd. "I was never for the newborn-weapons restriction. 'Gun rights from womb to tomb' has long been another of my mottoes."

The law also allows children to wear T-shirts declaring that the lodging of bullets is not permitted in their bodies...

5/4
Knox County Budget Seeks Asylum in City
Claims county mayor used "enhanced computation techniques" to force it to yield the results he wanted

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. The Knox County budget today fled Knox County Mayor Mike Ragsdale's office in the City County Building and burst into Knoxville City Mayor Bill Haslam's suite to request asylum. The budget claimed flight was forced upon it by the unreasonable demands of the county mayor and promised it would work hard for low wages if treated well.

"I am but a simple servant, wishing only to serve the people of Knox County," said the document. "But the mayor, he was wanting me to do things, indecent things, like deficit spending, to make me appear larger than life. He treated me cruelly to get what he wanted."

The voluminous tome accused the mayor's staff of using "enhanced computation techniques" on it to bend the financial plan to their will.

Dwight Van de Vate, Ragsdale's chief of staff, denied the allegations.

"No enhanced computation techniques were used," he said. "Just plain old computations were applied. They were applied again and again and again and again until we got the numbers we wanted."

"It's true!" insisted the budget. "They forced my numerals to stay in unnatural positions. They practiced cheap derivations on me. They twisted my digits so much, they're permanently bent!"

Consequently, Mayor Ragsdale can expect a battery of questions when he meets with Knox County Commissioners on May 12 to discuss his budget proposal.

Among them will be inquiries about inflating revenue projections to the bursting point, carving deep gouges into the tissue of county savings, slashing social programs to the quick and forcing numbers to work without visible means of support...