"Snark Bites" 5/10-16

5/16
Knox "15 Fragile Politicians" List Is Released
Surprising compilation includes Sheriff J.J. Jones, Union County politician Chad Faulkner

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - A state representative from Union County, a sheriff in his first year of elective office, an appointee in danger of being removed for his politic beliefs and assorted commissioners, mayors and sundries make up this year's list of the Knox area's 15 most fragile politicians. Kim Trent, Knox Heritage executive director, read this year's list of Knoxville and Knox County's most endangered politicians, known as the "Fragile 15," while standing in the middle of a stream in the rugged reaches of Union County.

"It may look strange, announcing Knox County's most endangered politicians in the middle of a Union County watershed," says Trent, "but when you discover a Union County politician carrying water in Nashville for his bosses in Knox County, then it just becomes a no-brainer of a photo-op."

Each May, during National Political Hide-Preserving Month, the preservation organization releases its list of the most endangered historic and entertaining politicians.

Number 15 is something of a shock: state representative for Union and Campbell Counties Chad Faulkner, who is owned by Knox County's Sheriff J.J. "Good Times" Jones.

"A representative of Union and Campbell County making Knox County's 15 Fragile Politicians list may seem odd," says Trent. "But Faulkner was caught acting as cat's-paw for local politicians like J.J. 'Good Times' Jones and Greg 'Lumpy' Lambert. When you start trying to subvert Knox County's home rule, no matter what county you're from, Knox County has no choice but to claim you as our own. A rough-hewn character like the untamed county that begat him, Faulkner doesn't know the difference between 'affect' and 'effect' - and doesn't care who knows he doesn't know it."

Having only been elected to office last year, Sheriff "Good Times" Jones at first blush could appear another surprise choice for the fragile 15 list. But Trent says his most recent public displays - whining about reducing the number of his employees' take-home cars and openly supporting stealth legislation at the state level winkingly sponsored by his own employee to protect his job's perquisites - suggest a fragile politician indeed.

"If he's as precariously perched as his behavior suggests, he definitely needs our protection to finish out his term," says Trent.

Knox County Commissioners Mark Harmon and Amy Broyles are numbers 13 and 12 on the list. Seatmates in district 2, these birds of a feather are those rarest of beasts in Knox County: liberals.

"Given their scarcity in these parts, we hate to lose one of these liberal critters in the commission seat reduction set to take place in 2010," says Trent. "We'd like to place both in protective captivity for the benefit of coming generations..."


5/13
Knox County leaders "feel good" about budget
"We're just feeling so good because we avoided making any hard decisions!" gushes Mayor Ragsdale

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Heaving heavy sighs of relief, Knox County Mayor Mike Ragsdale's management team ended yesterday's budget meeting with the Knox County Commission with huge smiles.

"We're so happy that no one is asking us how this budget affects Knox County's future debt load," said Ragsdale. "Nobody's asking how the next mayor can possibly avoid either crippling spending cuts or crushing property tax increases - which is good, because that would have been a real downer. So I'm feelin' really good about this 'feel-good' budget. Let the next mayor make the tough cuts."

County Finance Director John Troyer offered some speculation on why no one was asking what effect borrowing from reserves, declining to make substantial budget cuts and refusing to raise taxes would have on the county's future.

"I'm guessing no one is asking because no one wants to hear the truth - the next mayor will have to raise property taxes through the roof," said Troyer. "Anyway, for whatever reason, they didn't ask, and that makes me happy. See? I'm so happy, I've got Steve Martin's 'happy feet'! ...I hope he doesn't want them back," Troyer concluded his statement by shuffling, scuttling and scatting away.

"Yep, without any spending cuts, the next mayor would have to raise property tax by about 25 cents just to balance the budget," confirmed Chief Administrative Officer Dwight Van de Vate. "I pity the fool that next occupies the office at Suite 615. It's a good feeling that it's no worry for us, though."

"Yes," agreed Ragsdale. "I'm feelin' good, I'm lookin' good, and doggone it, people like me. As long as I can tell them there's money in the budget for them, anyway."

Department heads all affirmed that they liked the mayor, very, very much.

"Yes, thank you so much, Mr. Mayor, for finding funding for my $2.1 million budget increase," said Sheriff J.J. "Good Times" Jones. "Even if I can't buy as many cars as I wanted to, sniff, I still like you very, very much..."

5/12
EPA to Take Over TVA Bonus Cash Cleanup
TVA will be required to reimburse EPA "out the wazoo" for all oversight costs

From APB reports. WASHINGTON - Calling the TVA bonus vault cash spill "one of the largest and most potentially lucrative financial releases" in American history, the head of the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency said Monday that federal regulators have reached an agreement with the Tennessee Valley Authority to make TVA pay the EPA to tell TVA what to do.

An order EPA issued under the federal Superfunds law calls for TVA to reimburse EPA "'til the ratepayers' purses scream for mercy." TVA's estimated tab for the cleanup is approaching $1 billion, excluding lawsuits, penalties, bonuses and kickbacks.

Bonus cash contains power, persuasion, purchasing capacity, sex appeal, the aura of success, "the root of all evil" and other heady influences defined as hazardous temptations under Superfunds.

The Dec. 22 failure of a bonus-cash storage facility at TVA Towers in Knoxville dumped 54 million in executive bonus dollars onto the TVA Plaza and the surrounding streets.

On Jan. 10, once the EPA's emergency response was complete, it allowed TVA executives to oversee "recouping their losses." On Monday, citing "temptation too great to resist," EPA reasserted its authority over the cash flow restoration and maintenance project.

"EPA is bringing to bear its resources and expertise under federal law to assure that it comprehensively cleans up on the TVA bonus cash spill, one of the largest and most seductive financial releases in our history," EPA administrator Lotsa Jacksons said in a statement. "Our goal, like that of the state of Tennessee, is to extract the cash out of the people in Roane County, Knox County, Anderson County and all downriver communities serviced by TVA..."


5/10
County Budget Forces Employees to Eat Each Other
Take-home vehicles will replace devoured staff

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Knox County Mayor Mike Ragsdale's proposed $648 million budget dips into savings for $20.4 million and borrows another $16 million, and administration officials say the only way to make the budget work without raising taxes is for county employees to begin dining on one another.

"With this budget, we will begin trimming the personnel fat," announced Chief Administrative Officer Dwight Van de Vate. "Where we can, we'll consume only unessential staff - or their unessential parts, anyway."

The budget's culinary artist, Chief Financial Officer John Troyer, said that using employees as meals is appropriate in tough financial times. Troyer said that only low-ranking employees, those nearing retirement, those not fast enough to escape and "other low-hanging fruit" would be devoured in the budget cuts.

"The employees have always been there to serve," Troyer said. "Now, they'll be served."

The overall waistlines of county employees would increase .03 percent, but the general employee pool, that is, the staff that actually provides general government services and law enforcement, is slated to drop by nearly 4 percent. That's despite a substantial increase in waistlines for the Knox County Sheriff's Office.

"We're pleased to be able to provide meals at the same level, even in a recession," Troyer said. "And low-level staffers are a good source of fiber, helping us high-ranking officials to stay regular in the performance of our essential duties."

"We've always maintained that the true wealth of Knox County government is its employees," said Knox County Mayor Mike Ragsdale. "I think this budget shows we put our money where our mouths are."

Van de Vate said eating enough employees to provide a savings of about $6 million in this year's budget put the county in a position to handle the financial downturn. He added that cuts for next year include side of Sam, Ryan's ribs, Stu stew cubes and Fannie flanks.

Still, relying on edible employees will mean some programs will have much lower employee reserves than in years past, according to budget documents.

The mayor's budget would put $3 million worth of employees from the general staff pool in the dinner pot, leaving a little more than $36 million worth of undigested employees in the staffing pool.

On the other hand, the employee balance in the solid waste department, who staff convenience center operations and other programs, would dip below $1 million after 628 and 1/2 employees are converted to noshes. Just five years ago, the solid waste employee pool had a balance of $2.6 million worth of employees.

Likewise, the public library will have lost almost 90 percent of its staff to cannibalization over five years.

"The mayor gave us the choice of either burning books as a fuel source to save money or eating our employees," said the library system's director, Larry Frank. "I'll gnaw my own arm off before I'll burn books..."