"Snark Bites" 11/01-07/09

11/02

Last Chance Not to Vote in City Elections

Citizens indifferent to representative government look forward to not voting Tuesday

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - The largest turnover on Knoxville City Council in 8 years will be decided by the few rather than the many Tuesday - and that's exactly how citizens here like it, according to spokespersons for a group claiming to represent Knoxville's "silent, indifferent majority."

"Battlin'" Bill Brownlow-Barnstormer, of West Knoxville's Riversound area and President of Knoxvillians Not Interested in Government Heeding Their Suffrage or Working to Help Oversee Services Aimed for Your Neighborhood, Incorporated (KNIGHTSWHOSAYNI), says not voting for city council representatives is Knoxvillians' most fundamental right and duty.

"Not voting in city council elections is the absolute bedrock right of every Knoxvillian, and one of the things that makes Knoxville such a great community," explained Brownlow-Barnstormer. "Being apathetic to another election of so-called leaders who will shape policy affecting all aspects of our community doesn't mean we don't care about who runs Knoxville - we do. It's just that we trust a few power-brokers to run the city more than we trust ourselves to elect someone to do it."

Brownlow-Barnstormer's sentiment is one that KNIGHTSWHOSAYNI Secretary Hosmer Windibank-Mabry shares.

"I think it's wonderful that we have one last chance not to vote for city council," said Windibank-Mabry, of Island Home. "It's a rare city that offers you multiple opportunities to pass up the chance to exercise your suffrage - early voting, absentee voting, or voting on election day - comfortable in the sincere knowledge that you don't care who represents you on city council. Just letting the powers behind the scenes run things is a rare, rare privilege - and I, for one, enjoy exercising it. We are duty-bound not to vote..."

11/04

Knoxville, Knox County May Recall Voters

Faced with disappointing election turnouts, government officials ponder voter improvements

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Faced with distressingly diminishing election returns, leaders in Knoxville and Knox County are considering a number of options to improve both the quantity and quality of local voters. The proposals include recalling the suffrage from voters who fail to exercise their franchise in 4 or more consecutive local elections, revoking the registration cards of indolent voters, extending the franchise to groups seen as more engaged in the civic process and instituting a voter draft, among many others.

At a hastily called summit meeting between city and county leaders, representatives tossed out a variety of ideas for consideration.

"Something must be done," said City Council Member Rob Frost. "A firm stance needs to be taken that there are limits to the degree of indifference the body politic can take from the voters that stand as its head - or do the voters stand as the feet of the political body? - Anyway, if people don't vote in a defined number of consecutive local elections, say 4, their franchises would be recalled."

"What would we do with the recalled franchises?" asked Council Member Barbara Pelot.

"Repossess 'em," suggested County Commissioner Paul Pinkston. "Strip 'em down and resell 'em for parts."

"Maybe we could just revoke their voter registration cards if they haven't used them for a while and make them go through a civics class to reclaim them," suggested Council Member Joe Hultquist. "I hate to deprive anyone of the franchise entirely."

"I agree," said Knox County Elections Administrator Greg Mackay. "I'd rather use the carrot than the stick to get out the vote, because you attract more flies with carrots than you do with sticks."

"Depends on what the stick's been poked in," drawled Pinkston...

11/07

'Black Jersey Day' Proclaimed Local Holiday

Homecoming designated as new holiday to commemorate Vols' non-losing record; fans go wild

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - As frenzied fans thronged the Strip, packed bars, and poured into retail outlets to purchase any and all black- and orange-colored merchandise in sight, on Saturday, the University of Tennessee's annual homecoming game day was designated "Black Jersey Day" to commemorate the Vols' re-attaining a non-losing record. The Vols' record currently stands at 4-4; the team has previously been 1-0, 2-2, and 3-3 this season. Volunteer Head Coach Lane Kiffin and officials from UT, Knoxville and Knox County were on hand to mark the occasion.

Speaking at Neyland Stadium before a crowd estimated in the hundreds of thousands, UT Athletic Director Mike Hamilton noted that, in addition to marking the Vols' achievement of a non-losing record for the fourth time this season, "Black Jersey Day" offered the possibility of the Vols attaining other milestones.

"Besides reaching a .500 or better record for the fourth time this season, tonight's homecoming game with Memphis provides the opportunity to have a winning streak for the first time since the first week of the season," cried Hamilton. "Is that just magnificent?"

With that announcement, the crowd roared its approval of the Vols' return to greatness.

"Even better, this game offers the possibility of having a winning record for the first time since Week One of ther 2009," proclaimed Hamilton. "Isn't that simply stupendous?"

At that, the crowd, cheering madly, rushed onto the field.

"And none of these milestones would be in sight if it weren't for Head Coach Lane Kiffin and his black jerseys!" trumpeted Hamilton, as the crowd surged past him and tore down the goalposts. "Isn't it almost inconceivable?"

"Kiffin's a wizard, a magician!" called one fan.

"This is better than reaching the SEC Championship Game two years ago!" cried another.

This is better than winning the national title in '98!" yelled another.

"Lane Kiffin will take us to national titles in 2010, 2011 and 2012!" cried another.

"Lane Kiffin is bigger than Jesus right now!" screamed a single fan whom the crowd immediately tore apart like a tear-away jersey.

"If we go to a bowl game this season, I'll name my first-born child after him!" shrieked yet another fan.

"Well, I'll rename all my children after him if we end up with a winning record!" countered another.

"Is that so? Well, big guy, I'll change my name to 'Lane Kiffin' if we end the season with a non-losing record! What do you say to that?" retorted the first.

"I say I'll change mine to Layla Kiffin!" spat the second.

"Oh yeah? Then try changing your teeth!" said the first, smacking the other across the face. Soon, the swarming mass of fans had descended into a general melee...