"Snark Bites" 11/08-14/09

11/09

Hopeless Politicians to Be Relocated to Nimbyville?

UT President's house also on list of possible sites for hopeless complex

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Objections to a possible apartment complex to house chronically hopeless politicians in West Knox County have already arisen, as hordes of West Knox Countians descended upon the Knox County Commission's Finance Committee yesterday to rattle their jewelry at the commissioners in protest of the plan. Residents of the urban core also attended to voice support for the project.

Commissioner Richard Briggs, whose 5th District includes the property targeted for the project at 125 Debusk Lane between Lovell Road and Pellissippi Parkway, articulated the West Knox County horde's concerns about the project. Briggs noted the project first got public attention Nov. 3 when it was presented to the Council of Owners of the West Knoxville Neighborhood Association's People Pleased with Insular Exclusivity, Synecdoche (COWKNAPPIES). He said that "more time is needed for us to absorb the shock and awe of the brazenness of the suggestion that a project like that with people like those might go in a place like this among people like us."

"There are three to four concerns people have," Briggs said. "First of all, they're paying a high price for this plan, over $500,000 for the lot, which makes it a pretty ritzy neighborhood, which is in keeping with West Knoxville, so that is OK. But it prompts us to ask - can hopeless politicians afford that? After their political careers dead-end, don't they go be sales people or teachers or other low-paying jobs? Also, this is right near a daycare center and a liquor store - and those aren't the kinds of places politicians are accustomed to hanging out. OK, well the liquor store, maybe. But really, in our part of town there's not a lot of social centers such as the courthouses or county-provided vehicles like they like to frequent. Surely they'd be happier someplace else."

Briggs said the commission should look at places "where they can get the most bang for the buck - because although you can get a lot of bang in West Knox County, it takes more bucks than most anywhere else in the county."

The proposal by the Mayors' Ten Year Plan to Fund Chronic Political Hopelessness would direct $500,000 to buy a small lot on Debusk Lane. The price of the land would be $500,000 or whatever the owner can get for it, whichever is more. The contract will go before commission Nov. 16.

The commission has urged Ten-Year Plan officials to locate hopeless politician facilities throughout Knox County in hopes of preparing for the overflow of hopeless politicians soon to be leaving office.

Said COWKNAPPIES member Marvin Marvin, "Who would spend that much money to house a few hopeless politicians? Nobody out here - That's what we pay for a small single-family housing lot. Now, we're not saying they can't build it here, because we believe property owners have an absolute right to build whatever they want on their property. We just thought the really high prices out here would keep anything we didn't like from being built. But look, we don't even have any sidewalks for them to be out on, begging for votes or whatever it is those sorts of people do..."

11/11

Lambert Announces 'Farewell to Outrage' Tour

But feisty commissioner will return after taking "soapbathable" to be tutored by State Rep. Campfield

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Amidst tears and some rejoicing, Knox County Commissioner Greg "Lumpy" Lambert announced his "Farewell to Outrage" tour, saying he would not seek a second term as the commission's designated scandal-generator. Both the tears and the rejoicing stemmed from Lambert's statement that this was not a final farewell tour - that he was merely taking an extended furlough to recoup his creative powers and prepare himself for even greater heights of outrage.

Speaking from the stage at the venerable Tennessee Theater, Lambert explained, "This isn't the final outrage, just the farewell outrage tour. What I've realized is, it's hard work to keep coming up with something new to regularly scandalize the community. I need some time off, so I'm taking a soapbathable to-"

"A what?" came a chorus of reporters' voices.

"A soapbathable," explained Lambert patiently. "It's something I understand a lot of great artists do - da Vinci, Archimedes, Douglas Adams, for instance. You take a break from the studies, draw a nice, warm, sudsy bath and soak in it for a while to re-energize yourself."

"Oh, a 'sabbatical,'" called the reporters chorus.

"Whatever," continued Lambert. "A soapbathable really gets the juices flowing. And to get my creative juices going even more, I'm going to be studying under a man I'd like to bring on stage right now, my close friend and advisor, Stacey 'The Mask' Campfield!"

Straight from his triumphant star turn as "The Mask" at the UT-South Carolina game on Halloween night, State Rep. Campfield, adorned in his Mexican wrestler "Luchador" mask, yellow two-piece suit, suspenders and a tie, slid from the wings proclaiming, "Sssss-smokin'!"

"C'mon over here and meet 'n' greet the people, Rep," invited Lambert, congenially.

"Ingreda Peebles? I don't believe I've had the pleasure of the lady," parried Campfield, striding herky-jerky about the stage...

11/13

200 Voice Opposition to Housing Vols in West Knox

"They need to stay on their football field where they belong," say opponents of plan to socialize football players

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Coming on the heels of yet another lawless incident involving members of the University of Tennessee Volunteers football team, more than 200 people crowded into a West Knox County senior center Thursday night to express opposition to a proposed apartment complex intended to help university athletes integrate themselves into society.

Members of the group Really Opposed Citizens of Knox to Youths Training to Operate Productively in Society (ROCKYTOPS) attended the public hearing, held by the county, to express their criticism, concern and disdain for the plan to build the apartments on Debusk Lane between Lovell Road and Pellissippi Parkway. Among the worries were fears children at a nearby daycare center would be challenged to pick-up games of touch football, that the lack of athletic training facilities near the site would tempt the players to play in the street, and the dearth of player-favored Pilot convenience stores nearby.

The plan is being proposed by the Mayors' Decades-Running and Ongoing Plan to Kick Investments from Citizens of Knox into "Volunteers'" Opulent Lifestyles, Seriously (DROPKICKVOLS). Funding for the project is on Monday's Knox County Commission agenda.

Commissioner Mike Hammond, who represents the area and attended the meeting at the Frank Strang Senior Center, drew loud applause when he promised he will ask for a timeout and for officials to give personal foul and delay of game penalties to the football players arrested earlier in the day.

Hammond's promise addressed one complaint by many at the hearing - that the county is trying to rush the project through the goalposts without enough public input.

"Why can't we have a time out?" ROCKYTOPSer Monty Mossback asked. "You're not going to change our minds about this game plan because we don't like it."

Commissioner Colonel Doctor Richard M. Briggs, M.D., who also represents the area, said he opposes any more penalties or timeouts and wants the game over with.

"I'm going to line up and stop this play whatever they run," he said. "The fans here don't want it. Those people should stay on their football field where they belong and not on our streets where they don't belong. They could be a danger to the lifestyle to which the people here have become accustomed - which is to say, one where these people here don't have to see those people there..."