"Snark Bites," 1/18-31 /10

1/29

Snowstorm U.S.'s "Reward for Being Good" Says Evangelist

Others attribute storm to Santa Claus, federal government, meteorological conditions

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - As a major winter storm wreaked havoc across the nation's Midwest and South, prominent evangelist and one-time presidential candidate Pat Robertson deemed it "God's reward to the U.S. for being good."

Robertson, who said the devastating earthquake that struck the Caribbean island nation of Haiti two weeks ago was God's punishment for a supposed long-ago "pact with the devil," has neither a degree in meteorology or seismology.

"This big ol' snowstorm is God's reward for being good to hardworking Americans in the heart of America's Bible Belt," said Robertson. "For God so loved our goodness, He has given us a snow day."

In response to these observations, White House spokesman Robert Gibbs hung his head and sighed wearily.

Other reaction to the 80-year-old evangelist's pronouncement was mixed, with concentrations of contradiction and flurries of agreement.

Radio host Rush Limbaugh affirmed Robertson's statement and issued a suggestion that "the rest of the nation gather funds to send to the folks in the affected area, so they can throw a big snow day party."

Former vice-presidential candidate and Fox TV commentator Sarah Palin, however, took a different view.

"Could this here havoc-wreakin' storm be a White House attack on those good ol' pro-American parts of this great nation?" said Palin. "When you get thinkin' about it, what is snow? It's white is what it is. And which political party holds the White House for the time bein'? ...Just sayin', you betcha..."

1/27

County Mayor's Office to Hold Clearaself Clearance Sale

"Huge bargains while supplies last," says Ragsdale

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Knox County's Surgeon General gave Mayor Mike Ragsdale's legacy a clean bill of health, clearing his record of any criminal wrongdoing. As a result, the mayor's office is holding a clearance sale on Clearaself™, the product Ragsdale originally used to clear himself of wrongdoing regarding questionable P-card purchases in a notorious press conference in 2008.

"Yep, our condition cleared right up with Surgeon General Randy Nichols' probe," said Ragsdale. "It's amazing how a few really, uh, probing probes will make you start really paying attention to how you treat the complexion of your legacy, and you start trying to avoid developing any more ugly bumps or scars. And even though the Surgeon General's given me a clear bill of health, I just don't plan to be showing my face in public much anymore. So, although Clearaself is great stuff - it doesn't just cover up the problem; it makes it go completely away - we don't foresee any more scandals, and we have no more need for the stuff. So we're having a big sale. Ya'll spread the word."

According to a report issued Tuesday by Nichols, the unsightly outbreaks of what appeared to be eruptions of political oppression that could have permanently spotted Ragsdale's record were largely provided cover by generous applications of Clearaself Special Formula Fast-Acting First-Amendment Free-Speech Cream Cleanser®...

1/26

Commission to Curse Knox Countians With Total Recall?

Some commissioners call voters' selective amnesia "a survival mechanism"

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Knox County Commission is poised on the brink of giving citizens of Knox County the ability to remember every single act of every single elected official in the county - but the move comes after some commissioners argued that, "in Knox County, selective elective memory is a necessary survival mechanism."

The debate came about after groups of citizens tried to remove a school board member and the county law director from office, forgetting or regretting who elected them to office in the first place. In a move widely seen as punitive, some citizens have demanded that county officials grant Knox Countians total recall of all activity by all local politicians. Some commissioners expressed fear for what the move would mean for political careers, while others expressed concern for the undue toll such a measure might take on voters. The ensuing debate was lively.

"Do you know what total recall of all our actions and every word we've ever spoken would do to our ability to govern?" asked Commissioner Greg "Lumpy" Lambert. "It would invite chaos, it would destabilize Knox County the way that eartquake destabilized Haiti. I mean, the next time I run for elective office, imagine if somebody actually remembered that I compared the effect of a ballot measure in Knox County with the effect of a killer earthquake in Haiti. If people actually remembered what I say, I'd never be elected again."

"You say that like it's a bad thing," yelled a wag from the audience.

"The point is," continued Lambert, "this initiative might make commissioners ineffective to govern."

"And this would be different from now how?" observed Commissioner Mark Harmon...

1/23

Did SHE Slip Moore, Hutchison, Mickey Finns?

Known associates of "seductive siren of speculation" claim they can't remember, don't know her

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - A practitioner of the world's second-oldest profession - sales and marketing - may have used a knockout drug on prominent members of the Knox County community to make them forget their dealings with her. Among the list of her possible victims are ex-chair of the Knox County Commission, Scott "Scoobie" Moore, ex-county sheriff and current county mayor candidate, Tim Hutchison, and other members of the local business community.

Investigators say these individuals may have been unwittingly lured into the lair of the shadowy figure known only as "SHE" with the promise of lucrative business arrangements. SHE may have then slipped them a substance - possibly chloral hydrate, the original "Mickey Finn" - to knock them out and blur their memory of the proceedings. Apparently, SHE uses legitimate businesses, including an auto company, as lures for her more dubious activities.

As one victim who wished to remain anonymous put it, "I thought I was getting in on the ground floor of a great opportunity in a car dealership operation, you know? SHE certainly looked like a fast ride - a real hot chassis of a portfolio, if you know what I mean? - so I whipped out my checkbook to get a piece of that action. But SHE suggested a drink to seal the deal. That's all I remember. The next thing I know, I'm in some Tijuana fleabag with the mother of all headaches, a naked checking account and a pocketful of regret. I never saw her again..."

1/21

TVA Joins Celebrity Edition of 'The Biggest Loser'

Other contestants to include Democratic Party, NBC management, affordable health care, President Obama, Lane Kiffin

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Coming off fresh reports of the mounting cost of cleaning up after its Swan Pond coal-ash flood disaster, the Tennessee Valley Authority yesterday announced it was joining a celebrity edition of the popular TV show, "The Biggest Loser." Unlike the regular show, which features ordinary people teaming to lose weight, the celebrity edition will follow a different format, with the cast competing in areas where they have already demonstrated high proficiency in losing. Former UT Vols head football coach Lane Kiffin, for example, will be focusing on loss of credibility.

"I do feel it [losing my credibility] is one of my greatest strengths," said Kiffin, in a press conference where no live cameras or questions were allowed. "I feel I can lose credibility faster than any other sports figure that cares to go up against me. I am a competitor, and the area of losing credibility is one in which I believe I can be highly competitive."

TVA President and CEO Kilmore Trout said the agency would focus on losing money for the show.

"I believe losing money is one of our demonstrated core competencies," he said. "I challenge any other agency to hemorrhage money the way we do. Moreover, we plan to challenge Coach Kiffin in the credibility loss category, as well. I think our record in credibility loss over the past year stands against his or anybody's."

The NBC management team reportedly will compete with TVA in the "Biggest Money Loser" category on the strength of its late-night lineup fiasco.

Affordable health care in America said it would be competing in the "Biggest Lost Hope" category.

"I've lost all hope, hope of ever actually existing, except in the hearts and dreams of the American people, and I don't think even St. Jude, the patron saint of lost causes, can compete with me there," said the tearful impossible dream.

President Obama's hopes of competing in the lost hope category were crushed by the health care goal's announcement.

"Well, I was going to go with hope, but given affordable health care's entry into that category, I don't expect I'll have a chance, so I'll play it safe and settle for being the biggest loser in the category of change..."

1/18

Bredesen Proposes "Center of Remedial Accounting Excellence" for UTK

"With Knox County schools' bookkeeping problems, they're going to need it," says governor

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - In the wake of an audit revealing that most Knox County schools can't account for the hours in a day much less the money in their activity funds, Governor Bredesen has proposed that a "Center of Remedial Accounting Excellence" be created at the University of Tennessee's Knoxville campus.

"Given that a great many students who end up at UT come out of Knox-area schools, we have to be prepared to account for the fact that they've come out of a system that doesn't value accounting in their school activity funds," said Bredesen. "We should consider sending the Knox schools' bookkeepers through the center before the students get there to prevent future embarrassment for them. Sending some of our state legislators through it might not be a bad idea either."

School activity funds consist of money raised by students through fees, clubs, coupon books, picture sales and similar sources. The money is intended to be used for the benefit of the students, but many schools had problems recognizing this fact.

The auditing report found that out of 86 schools in the Knox County school system, 77 had not accounted for actually having students. The report characterized this oversight as "a problem area in terms of how the activity funds are being spent."

The audit by Rodefer Moss of Knoxville cited 11 other findings in need of improvement - mostly in the areas of the handling of money, the tracking of it, the spending of it, the accounting for how it was spent, and the keeping the hands off of it when nobody is looking.

Roger Underwood, supervisor of accounts payable and student activities funds for the school system, said he was troubled by the findings for the 2008-09 fiscal year because the previous year's audit found similar problems.

"I am troubled by the findings for the 2008-09 fiscal year's audit," Underwood said. "I'm troubled by two things. The first is that the audit done last year on the school activities funds listed quite a few problems, just like this year's did, including my own observation that I was troubled by the previous audit's findings of so many problems. It troubles me a bit that I communicated that I was troubled last year, and here it is this year, and here I am troubled by these findings. If you have troubles that are communicated to people, and the troubles aren't fixed by next year, then I think it is fair to say that you have troubles."

Underwood said the second thing that troubled him was that the funds were to be used to benefit the students.

"The second thing that troubled me was the funds were to be used to benefit the students," Underwood said. "Wait, I'm not troubled that the funds are supposed to be for the general benefit of the student body - I'm troubled that in many cases we weren't aware that the schools had students. In one case, the teachers had used those funds for a teacher party, and we weren't aware they had students for whom the funds were for. That is troubling."

Underwood said that also of concern was that neither he nor school administration officials could say which specific school used student funds for the teacher party, "which you'd think is something we'd be able to say since we have an audit telling us which school it was. That we can't tell which school it was even with the help of an audit is a concern."

A reporter then observed that it seemed like Underwood would also find not being able to tell which school held the teacher party troubling.

"You're right," acknowledged Underwood. "It is troubling."

Underwood then said that the fourth thing that troubled him was that he had said only two things troubled him, but he had gone on to list three troubling things, which then caused him to list as a fourth troubling thing having said the third troubling thing, and having said a fourth troubling thing, he'd be obligated to cite as a fifth troubling thing saying that he was troubled for having found three things troubling instead of his original two as a fourth troubling thing after initially having said he found two things troubling while finding three actual troubling things, the recognition of which was his fourth troubling thing, the acknowledgment of which was in turn his fifth troubling thing, and now as a sixth troubling thing he would have to list that he feared he had stumbled into a verbal infinitely repeating trouble loop and wasn't sure if he could get out of it...