"Snark Bites," 1/3-15/10

1/15

Vols Frantically Search for New Mascot

Smokey's sudden departure leaves UT public relations in the lurch

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Shaken by Smokey IX's abrupt departure to start a hound dog stud farm in California, University of Tennessee icon officials were scrambling to keep nervous commitments focused and find a replacement for its absconded symbol. Previous mascot Pulpy, the Big Orange, who was cast off by UT like a bad cold, has already issued a statement declining interest in the job.

The statement read, in part, "While my blood does run deep orange, I'm happily ripening into old age, and have no interest whatsoever in returning as UT's mascot. If, however, a management position comes open where I'd take over for the person responsible for canning me, that would get my juices flowing."

Smokey IX, tragically, fell victim to his own hype. Believing he was god's gift to publicity hounds everywhere, he abruptly left for Hollywood on Wednesday to run a stud farm for hound dogs with himself, apparently, as sole stud.

Smokey's terse press conference announcing his departure, ran, in whole, "I'm Smokey, dammit! Idol o' millions! I don't need no stinkin' U of T! I'm mascot to th' stars! Awright, I'm done! Turn th' mike off! Hey! Why's this thing still on? Off, I said! Off, dammit, off! You! Sound guy! Yer fired!" ...

1/13

Little Lane Kiffin Takes Buds, Goes Home

Wayward child was "unmanageable," says adoptive UT family

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - In a move that surprised no one but his guardians, talented but unruly adopted child Lane Kiffin fled the loving but stern embrace of conservative East Tennessee for the wild and woolly, wide-open spaces of the West. Sources close to the family say it was only a matter of time before the rocky Rocky Top relationship fell apart.

"Lane was one of those kids, you know," said one family insider who wished to remain anonymous. "Father Mike really doted on him, called him his 'fair-haired boy,' and all that. But Lane wouldn't toe the line. He was always a wild child, always running off at the mouth and getting called on the carpet by officials at school - at a lot of schools, actually. He never understood that there was a certain decorum you were supposed to observe, that there was a certain Tennessee way of doing things. He had tried to warm this cold Tennessee Orange with all the power of his California sunshine, but this fruit's been on the vine a couple hundred years now. It wasn't going to ripen just for him, you know? And he chafed under these restrictions he didn't understand. So his splitting just seemed inevitable."

Lane was last seen in the back of a Caddy disappearing into the sunset, hanging with his bestest buds, Monte and Ed. Rumors of a single parting statement, "Hasta la vista, baaaay-bee," remain unconfirmed...

1/12

Knox Officials Proud of County Waste Production

"We'll stack our waste against anybody's," says mayoral spokesperson

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Some county officials insist Knox County is "Waste Capital of the World," but Knox County Commissioner "Our" Larry Smith said Monday he plans to introduce a resolution authorizing an audit of the Waste Production Department. Smith claims that the department has a much lower waste output than it should for a county as rife with duplication and incompetence as Knox County is.

"Given our governmental track record, I'd think we'd be producing more waste per capita than any other comparably sized county in the country, but I have evidence to suggest that's not the case," said Smith. "Just the hours frittered away by us commissioners talking in circles and beating dead horses in our meetings and the documentation required for those activities ought to net our waste production some kind of 'Wastrels of the Year' award, but we never get one. So if we're not producing the waste we should be, or if someone is stealing our waste, let's correct the problems and have a Waste Production Department we can be proud of."

Smith said Brad Majors, who runs the Rocky Holler Mixture Growth Mulch Shop, alleges that Tom Salter, head of the Waste Production Department, hasn't been nearly as wasteful as he could be.

"I've actually observed him recycling," said Majors. "And I've seen waste production employees take things out of the garbage and re-use them - they're actually stealing the waste from the waste department. It's shocking. And contrary to their department's purpose..."

1/9

Haslam Bags Cartoon Duck after Hunting License Mix-Up

Gubernatorial hopeful captures iconoclastic comics character in online "Duck Hunt"

From APB reports. NASHVILLE - Bill Haslam, Knoxville mayor and Republican gubernatorial candidate, apparently violated state law during what he thought was a recent West Tennessee duck hunting trip, but was actually a foray into the popular online version of the 1980s Nintendo game "Duck Hunt." During the game, Haslam and his hunting partners somehow bagged the irascible Marvel comics character Howard the Duck, but will face no penalty because it was unclear how the hard-drinking, cigar-smoking fowl got into their line of fire in the first place.

A spokesperson for the feathered star of the eponymous 1986 box-office bomb, Howard the Duck, said the water bird was resting comfortably after his ordeal and would soon be on the mend.

"Howard doesn't ruffle easily," said his assistant, a Ms. Switzler, in a telephone interview from the fowl's residence. "Besides, he's just a cartoon."

In the background, a voice that might have belonged to the avian everyman could be heard threatening to use his "quack-fu moves to kick the keisters" of his assailants once he recovered from his ordeal.

Switzler said it was unclear how her boss had waddled into the online "Duck Hunt" game, but noted that "Howard is known for going where he shouldn't."

A check with representatives of other beloved cartoon ducks, including Daffy, Donald, Daisy, Huey, Dewey, Louie, Scrooge and other members of the extended Duck clan found them all safe at home, unroasted and on no one's dinner menu...

1/7

Group Wants Pre-Election ID of Recall-Likely Officials

"It would simplify the process if they would let us know ahead of time that they were going to screw over the voters," says spokesperson

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - At a Knox County Commission public hearing yesterday, a group argued that officials likely to need recalling by voters should be required to identify themselves as such before an election. However, some commissioners argued that voters have a constitutional right to be duped into electing unconscionable wankers.

Diana Prince, chair of the local chapter of the Suffrage League of America (SLA), a group comprised of almost 8 extraordinarily devout suffragists dedicated to voting in the booth, suffrage, and the majority sway, noted that if candidates were required to declare whether they were likely to do things that would cause the need for recall, matters would be simplified for voters. Prince gave as an example Scott "Scoobie" Moore, who recently picked up a petition to run again for the 7th District commission seat.

"As the architect of 2007's Black Wednesday, when term-limited commissioners pre-arranged their replacements and which has been such a black eye to commission, Moore has shown himself recall-worthy," explained Prince. "But then, having been resoundingly defeated in his 2008 bid for the county clerk's office, losing even his own precinct, then subsequently being kicked off commission for perjury, then proclaiming he wouldn't run for office again, and finally flip-flopping on that promise, ex-Commissioner Moore has amply fulfilled our request of notification of his recall-likelihood, should his re-election bid succeed. Indeed, ex-Commissioner Moore could be a poster boy for the sort of notice we'd like to see voters get in these situations. He couldn't more plainly say 'I'm recall-likely' if he tattooed it to his trademark smirk."

Commissioner Colonel Doctor Richard M. Briggs, M.D., supported Prince's contention.

"We need to make it easier for citizens to know when they are going to have to recall officials," Briggs said. "That is why I am proposing my 'Reasonable Man' recall standard. To meet the standard, candidates for Knox County offices would have to submit to questions that would tell a reasonable man whether he might reasonably expect to have reason to recall that candidate, if elected..."

1/5
Authorities Question Car Involved in UT Athletes' Arrest Did vehicle disclose it had drugs, guns?

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Authorities today questioned the 2010 Dodge Charger involved in the arrest of 4 UT basketball players, asking whether it had told the players it was carrying marijuana and handguns, and if so, when it had revealed these facts.

"At this point, we're unsure whether the players were fully informed by the vehicle that it was unlawfully in possession of guns and drugs," said University of Tennessee Athletic Director Mike Hamilton. "So, we will, of course, do everything possible to give them the benefit of the doubt as we proceed with our thorough, careful, deliberate and supremely fair investigation."

Knoxville Police Department Spokesperson Darrell DeBusk explained that, because authorities were uncertain whether the car model in this case was one of the new generation of so-called "Smart Cars," they thought it best to try questioning the vehicle.

"Even if it isn't one of those Smart Cars, we figured it couldn't hurt to question the Charger," DeBusk explained. "Heck, even when they're not a 'Smart Car,' modern vehicles are smart enough to tell you your seat belt's not fastened and your headlights aren't on, maybe even that your fly's undone. So we figured it was possible that it had informed the players what it was in possession of."

DeBusk said the interrogation had proven unsuccessful thus far.

"So far, whenever we try to get it to open up, all we get from it is that little 'ping, ping, ping' noise followed by 'Intruder! Intruder! Please step away from the vehicle!' Intruder! Intruder!' We're not sure if it's playing dumb or really doesn't understand us."

The Charger is being held on charges of possession of illegal substances, intent to go armed, and several outstanding parking tickets...