"Snark Bites" 05/31-06/06

5/31-6/6

6/5
Lockett Denies He Existed Before Sept. 1, 2008
Law Director says he was "reincarnated" after assuming office

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Knox County Law Director Bill Lockett today asserted that he didn't exist prior to taking office on September 1, 2008. He also said that any acts of defalcation, peculation, pilferage, filching, fraud, larceny or other malfeasance that occurred at the Kennerly, Montgomery & Finley law firm from 2005-2008 must have been perpetrated by "some guy who looked like me who wore my clothes."

Broadcasting from a bunker deep beneath the county's law offices, a voice purported to be Lockett's said that deeds occurring before September 1, 2008, could not be attributable to him because, "on that date, Bill Lockett was reincarnated as 'The Law Director.'"

"I have been reborn as The Law Director," said the voice. "Whether my reincarnation stems from the Buddhist and Hindu samsara, the Greek metempsychosis, the Sufi dawriyyah, Nietzsche's eternal recurrence or the parallel universe theory, I don't know, but I'm a new being. The Law Director can't be held responsible now for whatever this Lockett person did then."

Despite the voice's claims to the contrary, however, County officials on Thursday confirmed that an Internal Revenue Service agent is seeking records for Law Director Bill Lockett.

"The IRS asked me to check our files," said Frances Fogerson, senior director of County Human Resources. "But we'll have minimal records for him if he's been reincarnated, because our system's not equipped to handle metaphysical concepts."

Fogerson identified the agent as Sarah Lee, a special agent with the metaphysical crime investigation unit of the IRS in Knoxville.

Lee, reached for comment while eating dessert, said she could neither confirm nor deny the report because it dealt with "particle physics of the Schrödinger's cat variety - the very act of confirming that I am surveiling Law Director Lockett would affect the outcome of the surveillance."

To deflect attention away from the investigation, the disembodied voice of Law Director Lockett also floated the idea that a doppelgänger might have assumed his form from 2005-2008 and committed the crimes he is being investigated for.

"It's possible a malevolent spirit took my likeness and committed these heinous acts," explained the voice. "It's happened before - you just ask Kolchak..."
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/06/lockett-denies-he-existed-befo.html

6/3
In County Government, Who's Gone First?
The Lockett, Rockett and Ragsdale saga

Brrrring! Brrrring! Brr-click-Hello?

Reporter: Hello, commissioner! I'm a reporter for the New York Times! We hear there're outlandish doings again down there in the government of Knox County, Tennessee! We hear strange things are goin' on - crazy things, zany things! And you're just the fella to give us the straight dope on it, arentcha?

Commissioner: I'll be happy to help if I can.

R: Well, I understand up in the City County Building you have a passel of yer wacthmacallems, "malfeasants."

C: Bless you!

R: No, no. "Mal-fea-sants."

C: Oh, we've all had our immunizations.

R: ...So I hear you got a buncha crooks in the county gov.

C: We do our best with what we got.

R: What can you tell me about them?

C: You know, in Knox County, we have lots of officials in trouble who may have to depart office. We have the one who committed defalcation-

R: I'm sorry commissioner, we can't say that.

C: Say what?

R: That's a dirty word. We're a family paper.

C: No, no, it's just means "embezzlement."

R: Oh, is that what the kids are calling it these days? Anyways, go on.

C: Well, as I was saying, we have the defalcator, we have the one who brought a shotgun to work, the one with P-card, slush fund and community program problems-

R: That's enough to get us started. So, of these three scofflaws, who would you say will leave office first?

C: Well, I don't like to speculate on such matters, but I suppose I must cooperate with the press.

R: Always a good idea, commissioner. The press is your friend.

C: With friends like these, who needs a firing squad? *Sigh* Well, if I had to guess, I suppose I'd say Rockett first, Lockett second and Ragsdale third.

R: Say what?

C: I said, Rockett first, Lockett second and Ragsdale third.

R: Uh-huh. You're a Knox County commissioner?

C: I am.

R: You know the names of your officials?

C: I should think so.

R: You know the names of the known ne'erdowells in office?

C: I should say so - it's in the orientation package.

R: Then what are the names of these malingerers?

C: I told you, Rockett, Lockett and Ragsdale.

R: You say rock it, lock it and rags tell? So if I do, they will?

C: They will what?

R: Tell.

C: I already told you.

R: Told me what?

C: Their names.

R: You did? What are they?

C: Rockett, Lockett and Ragsdale.

R: Those aren't names - they're activities!

C: It is what it is.

R: Don't be bringing what "is" is into this!

C: Take it easy!

R: How can I take it easy when you're makin' this near impossible? Suppose you tell me their names one at a time.

C: I can do that.

R: Let's start with the first one. What's the name of the guy that committed the defalcation?

C: Lockett.

R: Lock it?

C: That's it.

R: That's what?

C: That's the name.

R: What's the name?

C: Lockett.

R: Lock what?

C: Lock-ett.

R: Look, you're a county commissioner, right?

C: I am.

R: Then you know the names of the malefactors in county government, yeah?

C: Now, wouldn't I be a fine county commissioner if I didn't? I have to work with them. Sometimes intimately.

R: And when you get together with the other little commissioners, you talk about these miscreants?

C: Sometimes, certainly.

R: And when you tell another commissioner about the guy that took the defalcation, what do you say?

C: Lockett.

R: You tell your fellow commissioners, "Lock it"?

C: Naturally.

R: You tell them to shut up naturally?

C: I tell them nothing of the kind.

R: You don't say, "Lock it"?

C: Of course I do.

R: Lock it?

C: Yes.

R: ...Why won't you tell me the guy's name?

C: But I'm telling you, man.

R: If you're tellin' me, what's the name of the guy that committed the defalcation?

C: Lockett.

R: Stop tellin' me to stifle!

C: But that is his name!

R: That's his name?

C: "That" is not his name!

R: If That's not his name, then what's the name of the guy that committed the defalcation?

C: Lockett.

R: Lock what?

C: No, Lock-ett!

R: Lock it what?

C: No, no, just "Lockett..."
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/06/in-county-government-whos-gone.html

5/31
Knox County Charter, Government File for Divorce
Charter claims "irreconcilable differences," government alleges "withholding of affection"

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Calling revelations of Knox County Law Director Bill Lockett's misdeeds "just the latest in a series of painful humiliations," the Knox County Charter today brought divorce proceedings against the county government for irreconcilable differences. "I just want custody of our dignity!" cried the tearful legal document during a brief press conference on the steps of the old Knox County Courthouse.

County government immediately filed a counter-suit to have the marriage annulled, alleging that the charter had withheld its "conjugal services and consortium" and had "failed to stand by her man."

Both parties sought to force the other to take custody of their embattled law director.

"I am not responsible for that miscarriage of justice called the county law director," said the charter, demurely outfitted for the press conference in plain white, with a recurring black print pattern. "If the government had only followed my lead, we could control that little truant and all the other brats off running their own little fee office playpens. At the least, if I'd had my way, we'd be able to punish them when they misbehave. But every restraint I try to place on them, the government undercuts. Mr. He-Man County Government says, 'No, Bill's a big boy now, let him do things his own way.' And J.J.'s running off to Nashville, crying 'Child abuse! Child abuse!' every time I try to take the car keys from him, Fred's taking advances on his allowance money, and Sherry's always talking back ... I can't live like this anymore."

County government, holding forth outside the City County Building, disputed the charter's charges and claimed the couple was never married in the first place.

"I'm filin' for annulment because the marriage was never, never ... watchacallit - constipated," said the gaudily garbed political regime, its Hawaiian shirt barely concealing its vast bulk. "I tried my darn'dest to warm to her, but that document is one cold dish. She was never willin' to get in bed with me. And now she wants to say those kids acting up in their fees offices is my responsibility? What about those 19 crybabies on commission? No discipline, no supervision, no respect. You know, a while back, all of 'em were openly contempoo- contemtoo- they was openly disrespectin' me. And what about the mayor and that crowd he runs with? Who's watchin' him while she's busy chasin' after more 'amendments' - like she needs more of those..."
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/05/knox-county-charter-government.html