"Snark Bites" 09/27-10/03

10/02

Doggy Discrimination in New City Park?

Mayor Haslam slammed for "rolling over" to dog activists

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Construction on the City of Knoxville's new downtown dog park is slated to begin by October 15 and may be completed by year's end, but the political repercussions for Knoxville Mayor Bill Haslam may not be done so quickly.

News of the groundbreaking for the roughly two-acre park slated for a section of green space located on the southeast corner of the intersection of Summit Hill and Central Avenue has been welcomed by the leash-law set. However, plans for the park to have separate sections for large dogs and small ones have drawn yelps from dog activists as smelling both discriminatory and exclusionary - while others have used the park to accuse Haslam of being a lapdog for special-interest groups.

Downtown doggie denizen and pioneer Urban Poodle Carl Haynes said, "Separate areas for dogs by size? How much more segregationist can you get? What would be the reaction if the mayor tried this in a park designed for the Hairless, Ungainly, and Mostly Absurd Nonentities that don't feed me nearly enough? They'd bark him right out of office. This rank size-ism gets my hackles up."

Added Carl's housemate Della, "Carl's a big strapping hunk and I'm a sweet petite thing - we'd be stuck in separate sections of the park. And what about those puppies, the tiny, tiny puppies of larger dogs, seeking a day of fun and frolic with their folks, only to be torn from the side of their parents and shown into some fenced-in jail full of strange-smelling other dogs? Does Mayor Haslam really intend to separate families like this? Someone needs to be shown the mess they made and have their nose smacked with a newspaper."

For his part, Haslam said he had no say-so in the design of the park, which was overseen by the Public Building Authority. However, he added that he supports the PBA's work but wants to assure all of his four-legged constituents that no companion dogs will be separated from one another, regardless of size.

"There was no conscious intent to segregate dogs by size in the park's design," said Haslam. "There are areas where all dogs can intermingle - and their humans as well. The areas for small dogs and large dogs are purely set-asides for the convenience and comfort of those dogs."

However, Haslam's explanation didn't sit well with another of his constituencies - middle-sized dogs.

"Oh, sure, it's always the extremes that get pandered to," complained medium-weight Parkridge canine Lulu DeGrow. "A set-aside for the big dogs who already charge around wherever they want like they own the place just because they're big. And a set-aside for the small dogs, who already get everybody fussing over them because they're little and cute and helpless. Always, the middle is overlooked."

"Yeah, what about a set-aside for the middle-size breeds?" Fourth and Gill mixed-breed Cody McNutt whined. "Are we somehow beneath consideration, looked upon as sub-species or something?"

"Right!" barked DeGrow. "Let me tell you something: America's middle-sized dogs are America's middle-class, and we're what made America great. Ignore us at your peril - we'll bite your ankles!"

"Like heck America was built by y'all!" growled McNutt. "America was built by the blue collars of working-class dogs of whatever size!"

McNutt and DeGrow then became distracted by a small stuffed hedgehog nicknamed "Squeaky" and began wrestling over it...

09/30

"Total Recall" of Law Director May Prove Costly

Less expensive replacement of defective parts only said to be "not an option"

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Replacing the Knox County Law Director's defective conscience, malfunctioning moral compass, and other faulty parts is not an option and only a total recall and replacement of the entire unit will satisfy regulatory concerns reports the Knox County Recollection Commission, the organization responsible for explaining such regulations.

Greg Mackay, Knox County Recollection administrator, said, "It's all or nothing - you can't just keep law director parts you like and send the rest back. You can't treat an expensive piece of law direction machinery like Mr. Potato Head."

Thus, the law director's resale retailer, Knox County Voters, Ltd., will be on the hook for the entire cost of recalling and replacing the misfiring device. The total expense of replacing it may climb upwards of $270,000 - times two.

John Q. Citizen, a spokesperson for Knox County Voters, Ltd., expressed regret over the flawed law director, but defended its acquisition of the instrument and blamed both the manufacturer and the device itself for any breakdowns in its performance.

"That thing is supposed to have a 'self-reporting' feature that immediately detects and reports mistakes in judgment or lapses in character," said Citizen. "Never once did an alarm go off in all the time this doohickey was defalcating in the firm where it was previously installed. Why didn't the manufacturer, Tennessee Bar Associates, Inc., catch that?"

"How can we possibly be expected to monitor what every one of these items is doing when we're churning out thousands of them each year?" responded Tennessee Bar Associate Shia Steer. "That's why we install the self-reporting piece. But the function of that device, in turn, depends on at least one of several redundant systems functioning correctly: the moral compass, the gut checker, the character referencer, the vice inhibitor and finally, the look-yourself-in-the-mirror test. But they all failed at the same time."

Asked how redundant systems could fail simultaneously, Steer was at a loss.

"We can't explain it," he said. "This is not supposed to happen. In this unit, those systems seem to have just gone kablooey and experienced massive moral spasms - like it experienced total systemic failure and all ethics centers were compromised or inhibited. That's unheard of. You expect little things to go wrong, but not this - not spasmodic moral fluctuations, simultaneous with inhibited ethics centers. Nobody expects that."

"Ha-ha! I get it! No one expects the spastic inhibition!" exclaimed the reporter...

09/28

Commission Votes for Guns in Neyland Stadium

Guns appear at meeting to make their aims known

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - With firearms of every caliber in the audience, Knox County Commissioners yesterday afternoon held a tense debate over the necessity and advisability of allowing guns in sports stadiums, including Neyland Stadium. Tempers were on a short fuse and many of the guns in the audience nearly went off on commission, but despite some emotional moments, the meeting concluded with a vote 13-5 to allow guns in sports facilities. The assembled munitions bared their themselves in solidarity when the vote was announced.

Voting to allow guns in stadiums were Commissioners Tony Norman, Ivan Harmon, Mike Hammond, Craig Leuthold, Richard Briggs, Brad Anders, Greg "Lumpy" Lambert, R. Larry Smith, Michele Carringer, Bud Armstrong, Dave Wright, Mike Brown and Paul Pinkston.

Voting for the ban were Commissioners Sam McKenzie, Thomas "Tank" Strickland, Mark Harmon, Amy Broyles and Finbarr Saunders.

Those arguing in favor of handguns in stadiums said it should be allowed under the Second Amendment and that violence is part of sports anyway and if people were going to attack each other, wouldn't a sports facility be the appropriate place for it? And besides, they added, the guns themselves were wholly indifferent to sports.

Commissioner Colonel Doctor Richard M. Briggs, M.D., pointed out that there were only occasional fights in the stands at Neyland Stadium, and "almost no one resorts to using their expensive, concessions-stand-purchased popcorn as a lethal weapon, so logically, people won't resort to using guns - which are much more precious to them than their popcorn - as lethal weapons."

"Popcorn is light, fluffy and yummy; guns are heavy, leaden and lethal - there is no logic in your comparison," argued Commissioner Amy Broyles.

At that, angry cries burst from some members of the audience.

"Guns don't kill people - bullets do!" yelled a Colt .45.

"Popcorn has choked more people to death than I've ever shot," cried a Sig Sauer P239.

"I'm not bad, I'm just aimed that way," growled a Smith & Wesson 60 Ladysmith 38 Special.

Commissioner Greg "Lumpy" Lambert was then dispatched as a special peacemaker to the gun culture to convince the weapons to stay on topic - and target. The meeting then resumed.

"What about venues that are co-operated by the city?" said Commissioner Mark Harmon.

"No worries," said Lambert, "Knowing we're armed will keep those undesirables out."

Commissioner Sam McKenzie said, "Once you start allowing guns to attend sporting events under their own recognizance, where does it end? What happens when they demand sporting events for weapons only - and they're demanding it at the end of a gun barrel because that's the only way they can? Where do we go from there? Guns-only playgrounds? Do we have guns-only bars, no people allowed, where they serve drinks with names like the Soft-Headed Slug of Whiskey, the Pink Elephant Gun and the Loaded for Bearing Arms? Where does it end, I ask you?"

"Not there," replied Commissioner Brad Anders excitedly. "There's a whole world of drink names to come up with for a guns-only bar! Think about all the shots you could have: the sure shot, the trick shot, the lucky shot, the sniper shot, and - oho - the kill shot!"

That wasn't exactly my point-" began McKenzie.

"Well now, let me see, this is a fascinating subject - Why, you could have the Loaded Magnum!" interjected Commissioner Mike Hammond. "Or the Pistol Whip. How about the Long, Hot, Smoking Barrel with a Twist? And the Muzzle-Loader!"

"Or the 'Muzzle-Lover,'" quipped Commissioner Craig Leuthold.

"Oo, oo, me, me!" screamed "Our" Larry Smith. "I got one: The Saturday Night Special with a Tracer-Bullet Chaser!"

"'Loaded Magnum' makes me think of movie-themed drink names!" exclaimed Commissioner Michele Carringer. "What about the Dirty Harry, the Lethal Weapon, the Do Ya Feel Lucky, Punk, and the Go Ahead, Make My Day? My goodness, this really is making mine..."