"Snark Bites" 10/4-10/09

10/09

Scripps to Launch 'Knox County's Cooking' Channel

Popularity of county government antics, eating, cited in rebranding of "Fine Living" network

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Scripps Networks Interactive is shutting down its Fine Living Network and will relaunch it as the "Knox County's Cooking" Channel to capitalize on the increasing notoriety of the county's government and the ongoing popularity of food-based living.

"This rebranding gives us an opportunity to reach success much faster because of the greater interest in the food-eating category and the laughing-at-county-government category than the broader, harder-to-define living-fine category," said Cindy McConkey, senior vice president of corporate communications for Knoxville-based Scripps Networks Interactive. "It's not that Fine Living failed; it's just that it didn't succeed. But combining Knox County government with the cooking of food and the consumption of it provides the opportunity for exponential growth."

McConkey explained that Fine Living has been Scripps' most challenging network, because many people frankly resent a whole network devoted to the high life while they're having to save up to afford the combo meal at Long John Silver's - and that is with the coupon. The only shows that were successful on Fine Living dealt with cooking food and eating it.

"Knox County's Cooking" will be a 24-hour network with programming focusing on instructional cooking, Knox County government hijinks, popular local dishes and game shows that mix cooking and local politics. Some of the programs that have already been announced include:

"Cooking the Books" - Various county government officials will offer "under-the-table" tips on how to stretch your food dollar

"Riding the Lumpy Gravy Train" - Knox County's favorite gastrophile commissioner, Greg "Lumpy" Lambert, dishes on his secrets for picking up perks in Knox County's favorite political dining spots

"Your Goose Is Cooked" - County representatives facing possible ouster for ethical or criminal violations present their choices for their last meals on the county's dime

"Curry Favors" - County officials spice up the lives of regular families by calling in political favors to solve problems for them - all during the course of an authentic Indian meal

"Thirty Minute Deals" - Officials offer insider tips for trading food for votes; hosted by former County Commissioner Scott "Scoobie" Moore

"Rotten Tomatoes, Bad Eggs and One Bad Apple" - From clues in the names of dishes, contestants try to guess that week's Knox-area celebrity political has-been

"Quiche My Grits" - Each week, county officials share their recipes for fusion dishes combining traditional Old South staples with haute cuisine while displaying the sass that won them office...

10/08

County Officials Vow to Use Fewer Annoying Words

Promises not to use "whatever," "totally" aimed at bolstering relations with constituencies

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - On the heels of a national poll revealing that "whatever" is the most-despised term in the United States, Knox County officials today vowed not to use it and other grating words.

At a hastily assembled press conference, Knox County Commissioners and Mayor Mike Ragsdale laid out a strategy for using fewer annoying words and phrases to engender good will among citizens.

"Whatever we can do to make voters more comfortable - wait, I just said it, didn't I?" Ragsdale began. "Well, ah, look, it's like, if it will make people happier if county employees don't use 'whatever,' then we'll do whatever it takes ... oh no, er, ah, OK, let me start over...Whatever the people want - oops, I did it again ..."

Chief Mayoral Spokesperson Dwight Van de Vate then explained to Ragsdale that it wasn't the word 'whatever,' but rather the context in which it was used that bothered listeners.

"It's OK to say 'Whatever we can do to help,' chief," counseled Van de Vate. "People just don't like the word used as a one-word retort of indifference or apathy intended to shut down discourse."

"Really? Fine, OK, whatever," muttered Ragsdale.

"Of course, I'm so erudite, I would seldom resort to such distressingly banal idioms, anyway," Van de Vate continued, almost as if to himself. "I mean, like, you know?"

The poll, by the Mirth Institute for Pretend Opinions and Lotsa Laughs (MIPOLL), further found that "you know," "it is what it is," and "at the end of the day" were most despised by the American public.

Knox County Commission Chair Thomas "Tank" Strickland agreed that commission should heed the poll and eschew the disliked terms. However, he warned that certain steps would have to be taken before commission could do so.

Said Strickland, "Before we can stop using 'whatever,' 'you know,' 'it is what it is,' and 'at the end of the day,' commission will need to first study the issue, hold a workshop on it, subject it to public inquiry, bring it up in committee, make a motion to frame it as a resolution, table it, take it up again, vote, send it to commission, ask to place it on the agenda, bring it up as an resolution, deliberate, debate, discuss, palaver, argue and parlay it, table it, recall it, table it, floor it and deck it, make a new motion and then, at the end of the day, try to remember what we were talking about in the first place..."

10/06

Recall Group Recalls Recall Effort

Calls for recalling recall amendment instead

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Calling the price to remove government incompetence too high to ask taxpayers to pay, a group trying to recall Knox County Law Director Bill Lockett says it will instead work to recall the recall amendment that was supposed to allow citizens to remove elected officials from office. If that effort fails, group leaders say, then it may be time to recall all of Knox County.

"We're recalling the Lockett recall to focus on recalling the recall amendment because county officials informed us that the Lockett recall effort will likely fail unless the recall amendment is recalled and revised, after which we will re-recall the recalling of Bill Lockett," said Gil Ulable. Ulable is one of the leaders of the group, Citizens for Recalling All Officials in Knox County, However, Our Intent to Recall Ran Afoul of Government Ineptitude, Nullifying the Goal, which is trying to get Lockett removed from office.

"CROAKCHOIRRAGING? Is that actually your group's acronym? How in the world did you come up with that? Seriously, who calls themselves CROAKCHOIRRAGING?" asked a reporter.

"Look, bizarre acronyms are the least of the problems you're going to face when you deal with government incompetence of the magnitude that we have in Knox County," said a visibly embarrassed Ulable. "It's not our fault we got saddled with trying to recall Bill Lockett, only to find the recall amendment language - which was approved by the Knox County government officials - was flawed, which means we now have to try to recall the recall amendment itself. You know, we trusted elected government officials to advise us on how to remove elected government officials. Do we feel really stupid now? Why yes, yes, we do."

The problems with the recall amendment, says Knox County Recollections Administrator Greg Mackay, are manifold. Among its provisions, it -

- Calls for those desiring a recall to create a petition that includes "eye of Newt, tooth of Hillary, girth of Rush, tongue of Barack, peck of Beck and smidgen of Biden";

- Requires that the recall organizers then "jump down, turn around and do the hokey-pokey";

- Directs the petitioners to collect on the petition "a number of signatures equivalent to the number of angels that can dance on the head of a pin";

- And, after having completed those provisions, it says organizers must hold two special elections, "four score and seven years ago," respectively...