"Snark Bites" 10/11-17/09

10/17

Ballard to 'Defriend' Sisk on Facebook

Growing "dissing" contest between respective offices feared

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - In an escalating dissing match between the Knox County Property Assessor's Office and the Knox County Trustee's Office, Property Assessor Philly Ballard announced he would 'defriend' Trustee Freddie Sisk on the popular Internet social media exchange, Facebook.

"Freddiez mean 2 me. He dissed me. We R not BFF no more," Twittered Ballard in a prepared tweet. "All my peepsz defriending him N all his meanies. BFN."

At issue is a statement Sisk posted on his own Facebook page, saying that Ballard wished to receive friend requests from all Knox County property owners. The request promised that "I, Philly Cheesesteak, will allow respondents to appraise the living daylights out of my personal property" if they were unhappy with their own property assessments from earlier in the year.

The property assessor's Facebook page has since been deluged with friend requests from county property owners, many of whom expressed the desire to "appraise the H-E-double toothpicks out of the property assessor." The trouble is, according to Ballard, Sisk's promise is false. Understandably, Ballard is miffed.

"U cant appraise h*ll out of my props coz u dont like yrz," Ballard texted. "Freddiez mad bcoz of fire zone..."

10/14

Knox County to Host the 'Running of the Tims'

People for the Ethical Treatment of Tims, Associated (PETTA) expected to protest

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Knox County appears to be slated to host the famous "Running of the Tims," but an organization against mistreatment of people named Tim say they will protest the pageant. The Running of the Tims is a popularity contest that pits Tims against one another and winds up with a run through a closed-off area of a city while drunken throngs cheer and jeer. Knox County's version would run State Senator Tim Burchett (R-I'm Still from Around Here) against former Knox County Sheriff Tim Hutchison (R-I Never Left).

Neither local Tim would admit to feeling mistreated or exploited.

"Exploited? Nah," protested Burchett. "I've raised $100,000 so far to participate in this 'exploitation.' If raising $100,000 for my campaign equals exploitation, just keep on exploiting me some more."

Hutchison declined to admit to anything.

Ray Jenkins, Knox County Republican Party chairman, said his party now has an "embarrassment of riches." Local political observers agreed with the "embarrassment" assessment.

"We've got candidates, and we will be selecting the new mayor in our 'Running of the Tims' without question," Jenkins said. "I think it will be quite a lively race. That's because of the physical stamina of these candidates. They're going to be like bulls charging a red flag out there. May the best Tim win."

However, local activist Tim Timothy, organizer of the group People for the Ethical Treatment of Tims, Associated (PETTA), says no Tims ever win a race like this.

"When I was a kid, they ran then child-actor Timothy Hutton against baseball player Tim McCarver in Philadelphia," explained Timothy. "My family went for it. Hutton thought all these people were cheering for him, and I thought they were all cheering for me."

Timothy then recalled how the tableau took an ugly turn.

"When some spectators around me heard that my name was 'Tim Timothy,' they started singing 'Tim Timothy, Tim Timothy, Tim-Tim-Tuh-ree' and then they laughed at me," he related. "I was hurt and confused. It wasn't until later that I understood they weren't interested in Hutton or me as people - it was all about the spectacle of the run itself. I think that messed him up worse than winning the Oscar so early in his career. It messed me up pretty good too - the confusion over the cheering and the singing and the laughing, not him winning the Oscar. That's why I started PETTA - me being messed up from being involved in the Running of the Tims, not him winning the Oscar..."

10/12

County Commissioner Cage Match Mars Holiday

Smith-vs.-Carringer grumble-bumble rumble spoils county's Columbo Day celebration

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Today, Knox County Mayor Mike Ragsdale marked with a speech the occasion of the discovery of the "reverse whodunit," as the Knights of Columbo, dressed in their traditional trench coats and cheap cigars, led the annual Columbo Day parade. However, vicious in-fighting between a pair of 7th district Knox County Commissioners - mixing it up worse than Jon and Kate Gosselin on a bad day - temporarily halted the festivities and threatened to disrupt the event entirely.

Many counties celebrate the anniversary of the beloved fictional detective Lieutenant Columbo's formulation of the reverse whodunit, in which the murderer is known to the audience, but the mystery revolves around the minute means by which the rumpled detective snares the clever culprit. The day is celebrated as Columbo Day in Knox County and elsewhere, as Day O' Da Raincoat in many counties in the Northeast, as Fiesta la Resurgimiento de la Policía Procedurali (Occasion of the "Police Procedural" Concept Being Put on Life-Support) on the West Coast, and as Giorno di Resistenza Arresto (Day of the Villain Getting His Comeuppance) on the set of "Law & Order." These holidays have been celebrated unofficially since the late 1960s, and officially in various counties since the later 20th century.

As Mayor Ragsdale was set to conclude his speech with the customary "Oh, just one more thing-" catchphrase, signaling to the milling Columbos to start the parade, Commissioners "Our" Larry Smith and Michele "Derringer" Carringer tumbled onto the stage.

"You promised! You promised not to run against me in 2010, you two-timing, deal-breaking hussy! You lied!" Smith sharply criticized Carringer, viciously pulling her hair as well.

Although when appointed to replace ousted Commissioner Scott "Scoobie" Moore last January, she promised to be a "caretaker," not a "deal-breaker," for the 7th District Knox County Commission seat B, Carringer has announced her candidacy for the seat in 2010.

"Ah, baloney!" responded Carringer to Smith while trying to land a hammerlock on his bristling moustache. "When I promised to be a caretaker, I only meant that I'd serve until Moore won his appeal and got his seat back - like that's going to happen. But if he did, I'd gladly surrender his seat - and run for yours..."