"Snark Bites" 03/08-14

3/13
County Government Rescinds Dress Code
Clown suits no longer required for county officials

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. Because of low voter feedback or interest, Knox County is discontinuing its practice of having government officials dress in clown suits.

"What we had was so much apathy to the issue that we couldn't get a true gauge of what the community felt," said Dwight Van de Vate, chief of staff for County Mayor Mike Ragsdale. "We thought the voters were outraged at all the stuff that's gone on in local government over the last couple of years, so that the least we could do was dress up for them a little. But nobody seems to be care. Perhaps we should have gone with hair-shirts and self-flagellation."

Van de Vate's staff received little response from a paper and online survey. The handful of voters who did respond were vehemently indifferent to the idea.

"I suspect that those who are quiet are probably in favor of it," he said. "It's a very controversial issue, and many people are not willing to share their views on it. A lot of citizens probably don't want to come right out and say 'Yes, I am in favor of my government representatives wearing clown outfits' because then it's a reflection on them. They have to admit to their family in other states that they approved of clowns in their local government."

But one local citizen who said he participated in the poll said he didn't see the need for the clown suits.

"To tell the truth, I can't tell the difference whether they're wearing the clown suits or not," said Knox Countian Siddhartha Suttree. "Clowns is as clowns does, and these are clowns even if they're in $500 suits with Gucci wingtips. With all the things that are on their plate right now in terms of budget and doing more with less, higher standards, they don't need to worry about what they're wearing on the outside. It's their inner clowns they need to control..."

3/12
Committee Mulls Installing GPS Devices on County Officials
Proposal would include placing Redflex cameras in City County Building

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. Installing global positioning satellite systems on county politicians, reducing the size of county commission by 42 percent and pooling politicians for use by multiple departments are among the suggestions an ad hoc committee of the Knox County Commission plans to present to the full panel for approval.

Commissioners Mark Harmon, Mike Hammond and Greg "Lumpy" Lambert each will submit proposals before the Commission's special April Fool's Day meeting.

Hammond said during Wednesday's committee meeting that installing GPS systems in the county's 1,114 political operatives - including off-the-books, unofficial "phantom" employees - would save money by reducing patronage, eliminating unauthorized political activity and increasing productivity. A 2008 study on Nashville's GPS program showed savings of 5 percent to 20 percent per politician.

"When the GPS was installed there was an immediate reduction in patronage," Hammond said. "We politicians don't like it when ordinary citizens can follow what we're doing."

However, Hammond added that saving money wasn't the driving reason behind the proposal.

"We really know very little about the behavior patterns of Knox politicians," he said. "Oh, we have lots of anecdotal evidence. We know some enjoy their lobster tails from Regas. We know a few frequent Bi-Lo parking lots in South Knox County. Others spend time browsing among the fascinating array of items available at J's Mega Mart in downtown Knoxville. We know a whole bunch of them in certain departments like county take-home vehicles. Then there are those who take pride in paying $195,000 to employees who are supposed to make $68,000 a year. And you'd be hard-pressed to find one who didn't dote on a developer or two. But there's never been a systematic, aggregative study of the Knox political herd's culture..."

3/9
Tussle Over Apron Strings
Knox fee officials disagree on who controls their allowances, want keys to the car too

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. A battle for control of Knox County officeholders' maturity is headed to a vote this month, with some county commissioners supportive of getting more control over the unruly little tykes and affected officeholders objecting that they are big enough to tie their own shoes.

"I'm a big boy now," protested Sheriff Jimmy "J.J." Jones. "I don't wanna eat my vegetables!"

The showdown is being triggered by Commissioner Richard Briggs' - also know as "Daddy Briggbucks" or "that mean man who just doesn't understand" - who proposes to formalize chores and discipline for the wayward tot officeholders.

Briggs argues that Knox County's charter has conservatorship over the elected offices of sheriff, trustee, register of deeds, county clerk and property assessor, which previously had been wards of the state, making county commission and the mayor de facto authority figures to those five positions. Briggs argues that this gives commission and the mayor a moral imperative to act in loco parentis to the headstrong fee officials and impose such discipline as deemed necessary, according to a 16-page legal adoption proposal prepared by Knoxville attorney Tom McAdams and presented by Briggs with his legislation last week.

That means those fee officeholders can be required to finish their chores before they receive their allowance, ask permission before they take the car, let the commission know what crowd they are hanging out with at all times, clean their plates and be in bed by 9 o'clock on school nights, according to McAdams' memo.

Under the Knox County code, the memo argues, a charter officeholder who spends beyond his allowance, doesn't fill the gas tank after taking the car out for a spin, acts out or in general is being too big for his britches "shall be spanked from office."

Mayor Mike Ragsdale is noncommittal about Briggs' proposal.

"We will respect both the parental perspective and the young adult perspective, as well as the advice of the Knox County law director in considering these difficult family matters," mayoral spokeswoman Susanne Dupes said. "But frankly, we have problems with corporal punishment, especially if we could be subject to it, too. Besides, there're enough loco parents running around county government already, don't you think?"

Law Director Bill Lockett said Friday that his office hopes to give commissioners a written response to McAdams' memo in time for committee meetings the week of March 16. His staff is looking at parenting books such as The Colicky Child, How to Deal With Your Acting-Up Teenager, How to Keep Your Teenager Out of Trouble and What to Do If You Can't and Parents Are From Mars, Teenagers Are from Another Universe, plus the movie Rebel Without a Cause for guidance regarding the independent officeholders' status...