"Snark Bites" 3/15-21

3/20
TVA, City Planned to Build Giant Zagnut Bar
Mammoth coal-ash confectionery would have been located on State Street site

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. As recently as 2008, the Tennessee Valley Authority and the City of Knoxville were considering building a 40-story candy bar made of coal ash and gypsum at the site of the State Street parking lot. Ultimately, though, TVA chose to stack the ash about 80 feet high at the Kingston Fossil Plant fly ash pond, where portions of two walls collapsed Dec. 22, sending 5.4 million cubic yards of contaminated sludge into the Emory River and the surrounding countryside.

Thus far, the State Street parking lot has been the spot where extravagantly expensive and vainglorious projects have gone to die. It was once the proposed location of a baseball stadium for the then-Knoxville Smokies. State Street was also the spot for former Sheriff Tim Hutchison's planned jail/helipad/cop cave from which he and his sidekicks would have sallied forth to thwart evildoers, and "Universe Knoxville," Worsham & Watkin's gigantic human-sized mouse maze SHOPPERTUNITY!® "experience." Recently, more modest residential/SHOPPERTAINMENT!® complexes have been proposed. To this point, however, it's still a parking lot.

TVA President and CEO Kilmore Trout explained that TVA had hired consultants to formulate a plan to deal with its mountains of coal ash.

"They came to us and told us to build a ziggurat, but we didn't know what that was, so we went with something else that had a 'z' and a 'g' in it," said Trout. "We felt a massive Zagnut bar would have been the signature structure on the Knoxville skyline. We went to city of Knoxville officials with the idea, and they loved it."

TVA's consultant for the project, Buzz Lightyear, explained that residents of the enormous Zagnut bar would have been issued special "Coal-Ash Ventilation-Environment" (CAVE) suits to wear while in the structure.

"The CAVE suits were purely a precautionary measure," added Lightyear. "When dormant, coal-ash is no more harmful than the additives in your average candy bar."

Trout says questions about the stability or safety of a monstrous coal-ash candy bar in the heart of an urban area didn't factor into the decision to not build on the State Street property.

"No, we finally looked up 'ziggurat' in the dictionary and finally understood what the consultants were trying to tell us," said Trout. "So we parted ways with the city of Knoxville and mounded up the coal-ash at the Kingston site. And, you know, we feel really bad about that."

However, some observers worry that the city of Knoxville was considering the project at all. Some question the viability of such an undertaking. Others suggest that, envious of all the attention citizens lavish on wayward Knox County, Knoxville is "acting out" to draw attention to itself...


3/18
County Officials Hope AIG Bonuses Distract Local Citizenry
Local officials seek relief from populace's fury, express hope that national events will divert attention from local gaffes

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. Many Knox County officials who say they could use a bailout to supplement their take-home cars and their comp-time pay also say they could just use a break from citizens' outrage at their antics. So the idea of tax dollars going to million-dollar bonuses for AIG executives is enough to make them envious - and hopeful.

"When you read that AIG executives are getting millions in bonuses for driving their company and the world economy to the verge of collapse, it's difficult to comprehend why Knox Countians are angry at us when we're only wasting hundreds of thousands of dollars on illegal comp time pay," said Fred Sisk, Knox County trustee. "I tell complainers, 'If you really want to be outraged at us, first see if you can get some of that bonus money channeled to us. Then I would be happy to endure your anger.'"

Knox County government, teetering on the brink of laughingstock status because it can't ever seem to get unmired from a series of scandals and missteps, has mostly been an unknown quantity to the public, in part because until recently it operated mostly behind doors and outside of view of the Sunshine Law and partly because Knox Countians are mostly apathetic. However, recent blunders like those in the trustee's office have drawn enough attention to make officials squirm.

Among those frustrated is Stephen Dupree, local author, actor and gadfly, who said questionable pay practices in some county fee offices, the recent contract extension for Hillcrest Healthcare despite ongoing concerns about its quality of service, and the mayor's feud with the county auditor were enough to make him disgusted.

"Giving tax dollars to phantom employees in the trustee's office is atrocious," said Dupree. "You don't reward people in the private sector for doing a bad job. Well, unless you're AIG executives, you don't. And you know, I'm really steamed about AIG, too. I believe I'll fulminate about them for a while."

Dupree is only one example of many local citizens who have been distracted from county faux pas in recent days to focus their wrath on the Obama administration's handling of AIG bonuses. County officials are cautiously optimistic that this could be the beginning of a trend, taking attention away from county government.

Knox County Commissioner Greg "Lumpy" Lambert, still smarting from constituents' reaction to commission's cave-in on the Hillcrest Healthcare contract extension, expressed the wish that Knox Countians would focus their attention on national woes for a while.

"I hope this AIG thing catches on and diverts attention from us for a while," said Lambert. "All the grief I'm getting, I'm starting to think this job isn't worth it if people are going to keep expecting us to pay attention and sort of, you know, do stuff - I mean, do stuff besides stuff for developers, that is. I tell you, I need a breather..."


3/16
Auditor Rubber, Mayor Glue in Latest Kerfuffle
County Mayor Ragsdale, Auditor Walls agree to meet later on playground to "settle score"

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. Knox County's auditor fired back at Mayor Mike Ragsdale this morning in a letter to the county's Audit Committee, leveling charges of "Liar, liar, pants on fire!" at the mayor.

Ragsdale challenged county auditor Richard Walls earlier this month to "meet him after school on the playground" in response to Walls' audit of the county's community grants program.

Walls' draft audit detailed the administration's alleged violations of the county charter and state law, including $757,500 in grants awarded over five years that may not have been authorized by commissioners or included in the budget. In the audit, Walls also alleged that the mayor didn't even know how much wood a woodchuck would chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood and concluded that the mayor was a "chucklehead."

Ragsdale said Walls not only failed to properly review the grants audit records, but also shirked other responsibilities he should have fulfilled in his eight years as auditor. He also viciously taunted Walls with "Neener, neener, neener" and called him a "fraidy cat."

In response, Walls wrote in a seven-page letter left on Ragsdale's desk in homeroom, "I know you are, but what am I?"...