"Snark Bites" 3/21-28

3/28
Commission May Censor Lambert
"Well, y'all can just [censored] that idea," retorts Lambert

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. Knox County Commissioner Greg "Lumpy" Lambert may have future utterances censored by fellow commissioners fed up with his insults and his antics.

Following a confrontation Lambert had at Monday's commission meeting with a member of the audience, Commissioner Colonel Doctor Richard M. Briggs, M.D., said he considered proposing that commission censure Lambert, but says he reconsidered.

"Censure seemed too mild for Commissioner Lambert's offense," Briggs said. "Also, no one seemed to know how to proceed with the censure measure, so I thought he could be censored instead. We'll just start bleeping him."

Briggs said he plans to seek direction on the matter from County Law Director Bill Lockett.

Lockett confirmed that neither he nor any commissioners he consulted could figure out how to censure Lambert and noted that commissioners should defer to Robert's Rules of Order when their rules don't include a topic.

"Robert's Rules recognizes a motion to censor, which pretty much means when the offending party starts to say something, the rest of the members shout 'BLEEP!'" Lockett said.

Lockett also noted that he has received a request from the Robert's Rules of Order publisher, asking him not to mention Robert's Rules and commission in the same sentence, because it lowers people's opinion of Robert's Rules.

Lockett also noted that he has received a request from the Robert's Rules of Order publisher, asking him not to mention Robert's Rules and commission in the same sentence, because it lowers people's opinion of Robert's Rules.

The incident Lambert may be censored for occurred when a property owner asked the commission to vote that day on a rezoning. His zoning was opposed by another attendee and ultimately deferred.

Lambert went into the audience to speak to the property owner, then spoke to the other citizen on his way back to his seat. The citizen leaped to his feet and yelled that Lambert had threatened to [bleep] him.

Lambert disagreed with the citizen's version of events.

"I didn't threaten to bleep him," said Lambert. "I never said 'bleep.' What I said was, 'You ought to be ashamed of your [bleeping] self. It's not like you represent a whole [censored] neighborhood. You're one [bleepity-bleep-bleep]-[censored]-[redacted]-[redacted] guy hurting this man.'"

Briggs and other commissioners said they are concerned that Lambert tried to intimidate a citizen with bleeping.

"I have a bleeping First Amendment right to bleeping intimidate people with my bleeping," Lambert said Friday. "I didn't say anything I wouldn't bleeping say on microphone. If they want to bleeping debate it, I'll bleeping debate it. It's a free bleeping country."

But Briggs said it was more than the bleeping. It was that Lambert went into the audience and bleeped...


3/26
Commission to Redraw Districts into Animal Shapes
Horsey, doggy, gerrymander among creatures discussed

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. The magic number for transmogrifying Knox County Commission districts into cute animals is 42,042 or so. That's the target range members of the Knox County Redistricting Committee must reach when reconfiguring commission districts this spring.

The committee, composed of citizens and commissioners, met for the first time Wednesday to begin charting the course required by the federal "Voter Interest Enhancement Act," which compels local municipalities to introduce "a sense of fun and whimsy, even" into local political districts in an effort to generate more voter turnout.

The committee is also working to comply with an amendment to the county charter reducing the size of the Knox County Commission from 19 members to 11, because, as the amendment states, "19 commissioners is just too many for citizens to keep track of."

There will still be nine districts, but they must be redrawn, because the 5th District is larger than the other districts and currently has three commissioners instead of two, which is really three more commissioners than any district wants to deal with.

Most Knox County commissioners were on hand to lobby for their pet creatures, including Craig Leuthold, Mike Hammond, and Commissioner Colonel Doctor Richard M. Briggs, M.D., who were jockeying for position on the horse that the 5th District will become.

"I warn you, I'm riding that nag to victory in the next election, and neither of you will stand in my way," proclaimed Briggs. "Unless, of course, I'm running for mayor, in which case you can fight it out between yourselves."

Hammond, who is term-limited from serving in the 5th District again, replied that he'd be running "neck and neck" with Briggs in the mayor's race if Briggs chose to enter, while Leuthold, who is also term-limited, appeared to be eying an at-large commission seat.

"I like the idea of an at-large seat because I won't have to dress up like a horsey or a doggy or a trained seal or whatever to run for it," explained Leuthold...


3/24
County Officials Agree to Spank Inner Children
Ruling does not apply to commissioners, lobbyists or developers

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. As FBI agents raided county offices and seized records from County Trustee Fred Sisk's office, Sisk and other fee office managers agreed to symbolically spank their inner children for naughty behavior.

"I think it's the right thing to do," said Sisk. "I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get this behind us, and if I have to tan the hide of my symbolic little inner man, then I am certainly capable of that."

Some officials, however, objected to the use of corporal punishment, saying that they would, instead, scold their inner children.

"I don't believe in physical violence toward children, whether inner or outer," explained Register of Deeds Sherry Witt. "I will, however, give inner Sherry a stern talking-to."

Former County Trustee Mike Lowe, whom many consider to be responsible for the state of affairs in the trustee's office, declined to discipline his inner child in a statement released through his attorney, Gregory P. Isaacs.

"I haven't done nothing wrong, and I refuse to punish my inner child for something he hasn't done," read Isaacs. "If anyone tries to hurt a hair on the head of 'Lil Mike,' they'll have to go through me, and they better be ready for the mother of all battles."

Mayor Mike Ragsdale, through his chief of staff, Dwight Van de Vate, said he was "relieved" other county offices had been caught with their hands in the cookie jar...






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