"Snark Bites" 2/22-28

2/28
Sisk Seeks to Maintain County's 'Annual Scandal Tradition'
Trustee explains raises, home purchase, and other issues as "things Knox Countians have come to expect"

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. Knox County Trustee Fred Sisk is trying to put the substantial pay increases before and after he purchased the home of his former boss, the previous trustee, Mike Lowe, and other embarrassing trustee's office revelations in the context of previous county imbroglios. Sisk argued that "an annual scandal or two are things Knox Countians have come to expect - anticipate even - so we're just trying to give the people what they want. We're trying to keep that annual scandal tradition alive and kicking."

The current Knox County Trustee pointed to the past to explain recent revelations in his office that some have labeled improper.

"Look, Knox County has a long-established and revered tradition for scandal," said Sisk. "Think back over the last couple of decades. Just off the top of my head comes the term-limited officials who refused to vacate office and then sued to remain in office, commission's sunshine violations, the sheriff's unsupervised building funds, the mayor's off-the-books slush funds, the out-of-control staffers, the take-home vehicles, the golf junkets, just in general the overreaching, the avarice, the infighting, the backstabbing, the insults, the invective, the 'university twits' and 'peckerheads' - that's entertainment."

Entertainment value is the main reason why the "courthouse crowd" keeps getting reelected, said Sisk.

"Because we amuse them, that's why Knox Countians keep returning us to office," he explained. "And in these grim times, citizens need all the amusement they can get. So we try to offer it to them, in spades. I mean, we have citizens bringing their children down to the Trustee's office with bags of popcorn, saying, 'Look Mikey, there's a Knox County politician, they're infamous.' Then they stand there chewing the popcorn expecting me to do something scandalous. I'm just trying to live up to the role. Heck, I'm thinking of having a scarlet 'S' sewn on the back of all my suits..."

2/25
Former Trustee's Attorney Denies Client Is the 'Low Rider'
"He doesn't even own a pair," says Isaacs

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. A $22,150 vacation payout given in 2008 to "T. Low Rider," a former employee of the Knox County Trustee's office, may violate the law. No other information is available about the enigmatic Low Rider, leading some to speculate it may be a pseudonym for Mike Lowe. But the attorney for former Trustee Lowe says his client is not the "Low Rider" in question.

Lowe has retained Knoxville defense attorney Gregory P. Isaacs to represent him during the TBI investigation of payroll practices in the Trustee's office, and Isaacs said Tuesday that "any payments received by former Trustee Lowe were appropriate. And any appropriate payments to him were made in his name, not to any Low Rider. Mr. Lowe doesn't not know any low riders, doesn't even own a pair, and they probably wouldn't look flattering on him, anyway."

Isaacs also denied that Lowe had ever been a member of the pop group War, a singer, songwriter, or a musician.

"What's all these crazy questions you are asking me?" demanded Isaacs. "Isn't it clear the man doesn't have that kind of talent?"

Regarding the vacation payout to the thus-far incommunicado Mr. "Low Rider," Isaacs said, "I want to reiterate that any payments received by former Trustee Lowe were appropriate and former Trustee Lowe received no payments that were made to a Mr. 'Low Rider' and former Trustee Lowe looks forward to addressing these issues as this process evolves. Also, former Trustee Lowe likes being referred to as former Trustee Lowe."

Isaacs also noted that Lowe was receiving few inquiries about the matter.

"Significantly, aside from media inquiries, Mr. Lowe has not received any requests from anyone," said Isaacs. "Well, that is, except for the infrequent offer to do an oldies tour with Three Dog Night or the occasional autograph-seeker mistaking him for Nick Lowe. So I would caution everyone from jumping to conclusions that are not supported by fact, especially in regards to my client's musical background..."

2/24
Phantom Employees Menace Knox County
Ghosts who walk in the machine may threaten every department, explains Commissioner Briggs

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. "Phantom employees" may be secretly performing tasks and siphoning off hundreds of thousands of dollars from corporeal county workers, Commissioner Richard Briggs charged in yesterday's Knox County Commission meeting.

"I'm not accusing anyone of pointing any fingers at anybody else who's throwing someone under the bus who's already thrown themselves on their sword and then hanging them out to dry, but there may be phantom employees running amok in every department in Knox County," declared Briggs. "But I'm not saying any specific department has done anything wrong when it may be going on everywhere, and, in fact, the people in the departments where things are going on may not be responsible anyway when these phantoms may just be sneaking in past our safeguards and stealing work from rank-and-file employees. Because phantoms can go anywhere. You just ask the Shadow. The Shadow knows."

Briggs denied he was referring to reports that "ghost employees" may have received substantial payments in the Knox County Trustee's office. Trustee Fred Sisk was noncommittal about the allegations.

"I can neither confirm nor deny the reports of phantom employees," said Sisk. "That all happened a long time ago, in a department that's now far, far changed. You just ask [former Knox County Trustee] Mike Lowe. The Lowe knows."

However, the heads of other county fee offices quickly agreed that the menace from phantom employees was very real.

"Heck yes, phantom employees are a problem," said Knox County Clerk Foster Arnett, Jr. "You can't keep track of them because they don't need pass keys. They creep in and do real employees' work. Plus, they're mischievous. They mess with my filing system. I keep everything on my desk. But these secret work sharers, they put my documents in alphabetized manila folders, and then I can't find anything, plus, I don't know who to pay for what work. It's got us all in an uproar..."