"Snark Bites" 07/12-18

7/17
County Government Simulators a Howling Success
Machines allow users to experience government inaction

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Everywhere you go in the Cedar Bluff Best Buy store, you hear the sounds of county government at work. While "working county government" may sound like an oxymoron, these sounds of government at work are not, of course, sounds of actual government. It's virtual government.

The front of the store resembles a mini-City County Building, with kids and adults alike hopping into several "County Government In-Action" simulators to try their hand at running the county - into the ground. Shrieks and howls of delight burst from the devices, as citizens experience a "virtual reality" of political grandstanding, backstabbing, incompetence and corruption.

Knox County Elections boss Greg Mackay says the simulators are intended to educate citizens about how government works, not give them a taste for the thrill of political dirty tricks. But Eli Scoumin, area manager for public indifference to government, doesn't care whether that strategy is working, as long as people are playing.

"People have been in them pretty much open to close," Scoumin said. "They're never empty. At one point, people were making back-room deals and forming political factions in order to cut line to get back into the machines. Like political power, a virtual reality political experience is addictive, so I'd say it's a pretty successful simulation."

The simulator, which uses a Sony PayNation 3 government stimulus adapter package with titles like "Grand Theft Automatic," "TVAhole," "Herb Moncier's knoX-files," "Let's Make a Ragsdeal," "Pocket Lockett Stimulator," "Kickbacker: Extreme Edition," and "Quid Pro Quo Pro 2009," also has aided sales for those products, he said...
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/07/county-government-simulators-a.html

7/14
Brawl Over Land-Use Rights Erupts at Music Club
Fight at Valarium also sparked by dispute over "heavy metal" categories

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - The first in a series of public meetings to gather input on the best ways to preserve land without curbing property rights erupted into a brawl last night over a proposal to restrict playing certain types of heavy metal music on ridge-top developments.

The fight broke out at the Valarium music club on Blackstock Avenue in Knoxville during the public meeting on ridge, slope and hillside development held by a joint city-county task force and the Metropolitan Planning Commission.

Who threw the first punch remains a mystery, but emotions ran high during an argument over categories of metal music. The anger boiled over after a county commissioner declared that his family had "listened to death metal for generations" and that he had "an absolute right to play whatever metal I want on my property."

At the beginning of the meeting, task force Co-chairman and County Commissioner Tony Norman said that heavy metal music is "something that affects everyone. You can't walk anywhere for any length of time without hearing metal emanating from some passing vehicle - LOUDLY. If we have people on ridge tops playing any kind of metal music they want, it's going to rain down like acid on the ears of people living in the valleys below."

Norman then went on to list several categories of metal music, including classic metal, goth metal, British metal, pop metal, power metal, glam metal, speed metal, progressive metal, thrash metal, thrashcore metal, alternative metal, black metal, death metal, doom metal, death-doom metal, hardcore metal, grindcore metal, metalcore metal, industrial metal, post-punk metal, funk metal, reggae metal and rap metal.

Norman also noted that the list "was not exhaustive..."
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/07/brawl-over-land-use-rights-eru.html

7/12
County Officials to Do 'Shakespeare on the Mayor'
Will lampoon selves with selections from "A Comedy of Errors," other of the Bard's works

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Knox County Mayor Mike Ragsdale and other county officials will be roasted in a special Shakespeare on the Square performance by the Knox County Government Performance Art Company - the same group the brings Knox Countians tragicomic gems like county commission's monthly meetings, Mayor Ragsdale's periodic press conferences and County Law Director Bill Lockett all the time.

"We'll brave the slings and arrows of outraged critics to be the best Shakespeareans ever - or not to be," laughed head performance artist and Knox County Commissioner Greg "Lumpy" Lambert.

Added Lambert's fellow tragedian, "Our" Larry Smith, "We'll do things like having Sheriff Jimmy 'J.J.' 'Good Times' Jones yell, 'Cry havoc and let slip the squad cars of war,' in his battle over a countywide take-home vehicle policy. You'll hear Paul Pinkston doing Hamlet with, 'The play's the thing, wherein I'll catch the conscience of the Mayor-King,' on his attempts to pin the mayor on something, anything."

"Yes, it's loaded with goodies," continued Lambert enthusiastically. "There's a bit on Mayor Ragsdale reading 'Much Ado about Nothing' to the children. And we have Commissioner Colonel Doctor Richard M. Briggs, M.D., say 'The patient must minister to himself' - because it just cracks us up to have him say that. We hope audience members can laugh themselves into stitches, because we'll be laying it on with a trowel."

Although the performance is billed as drawing on "A Comedy of Errors," Lambert says the show will actually encompass all of Shakespeare's works.

"We use that 'Comedy of Errors' bit in our promotions because that's how most citizens are likely to view Knox County government, even if in actuality it may be more akin to the Bard's tragedies," explained Lambert. "But what we're doing is actually far more exciting. We're taking snippets from all of Shakespeare's works, seasoning them with references to current county events, leavening in a lot of broad interpolation, extrapolation and interpretation to arrive at a feast of language, which lights trippingly on the tongue. I know some will scoff that unquiet meals make ill digestions, but small cheer and great welcome makes a merry feast, for 'tis an ill cook that cannot lick his own fingers."

Challenged to explain what his last sentence - which sounded like unrelated Shakespeare quotes strung together nonsensically - actually meant, Lambert turned to Commissioner Mark Harmon...
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/07/county-officials-to-do-shakesp.html

"Snark Bites" 07/5-11

7/11
Engineer Says TVA Ash Spill Resulted From Dike Burst
In other news, water is wet and boo-boos are ouchy

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - A $3 million study blaming a massive coal ash spill at TVA's Kingston Fossil Plant on a complex combination of structural factors and giant slugs is wrong, says an engineering expert who evaluated the disaster for his own clients.

Barry Switzer, who designs facilities similar to TVA's Kingston plant, doesn't buy the exotic conclusion of Tennessee Valley Authority consultant IMBOT Inc. that the spill was due mainly to mountainous slugs that liquefied the soils in the area thus destabilizing the dike and leaving behind vast trails of slime.

"That wasn't an explanation," Switzer said. "That was smoke and mirrors. I've been designing hydraulic-fill structures similar to the Kingston Fossil Plant landfill for 30 years, and I've never lost one to titanic slugs."

In a report shared with regulators, Switzer concludes the Dec. 22 breach that sent 5.4 million cubic yards of toxic-laden muck into the Emory River and a lakeside neighborhood had a simple explanation.

"It ain't rocket science," contends Switzer, president of Knoxville-based Sooner-Cowboys Environmental Associates Inc. "And it's not giant slugs from outer space. It was a plain old dike that burst."

No people were injured in the resultant flood, but TVA claims it must have killed the Leviathan-like gastropods responsible for the dike failure. The disaster was one of the worst of its kind in the United States and has brought new attention to the risks and lack of regulation of coal ash storage sites around the country. It also has sent authorities scrambling for methods to deal with rogue, mutant slugs and caused a run on government salt reserves...
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/07/engineer-says-tva-ash-spill-re.html

7/10
Dense "Brain Fog" Advisory for County Officials
Brain-foggy conditions may force officials to stay home; citizen reactions differ

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - A dense brain fog advisory was issued this morning for Knox County officials, and Knox Countians heading into downtown were urged to use extreme caution around anyone suspected of being connected with county government.

The National Political Weather Service office issued the advisory early Friday morning, stating it might clear off around 2010.

Despite the brain fog advisory, many Knox County leaders insisted on showing up for work Friday morning.

"In some jobs, brain fog is an occupational hazard," said Dwight Van de Vate, chief administrative officer for County Mayor Mike Ragsdale. "In my position, it's a godsend."

Added mayoral Chief of Staff Mike Arms, "I like the cool, refreshing feeling of the damp, gray-matter vapor settling around my head - it keeps the workings of my mind shrouded in mystery - even from me."

In the City County Building, particularly dense fog surrounded the offices of Knox County Law Director Bill Lockett, intensifying whenever Knox County citizens or county commissioners approached with the latest demand for his ouster. Outside the county law offices alone, three hallway crashes occurred - two of them suspected of being brain-fog-related. Inside the offices, not even the faint outlines of Lockett's familiar shape could be seen.

A thick, malodorous cloud also hung over the Knox County Solid Waste Department - whether caused by the brain fog or the county's contracted mulch facility was impossible to tell. However, since the doings of that department are increasingly inscrutable, the impenetrable particulate curtain was business as usual...
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/07/dense-brain-fog-advisory-for-c.html

7/9
Knox County Opens New Political Playground
New "neutral turf" park allows politicians to run, jump and frolic openly

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Lumpy and Scoobie, a pair of enthusiastic political hounds, became the first official politicians to visit Knox County's newest political playground last week, making a mad dash onto the turf, then running, tumbling and barking delightedly.

Their owners, Deb and Ell Loper, arrived within minutes of the official ribbon-cutting at the Tommy Schumpert Political Playground.

"It's nice having this in the neighborhood," said Ell as he hurried along through the gates with Lumpy. "It's good to have a place where they can sort of stretch their legs and interact without sniffing, feeling threatened or having to assert dominance."

Knox County Mayor Mike Ragsdale said the project is largely the product of politician's suggestions from all across the county.

"We really wanted to include the politicians because they're the ones who are going to be using this playground," he said.

The four-acre political pet area is just one of the facilities at the 173-acre park off Rifle Range Road in North Knox County. The park, named for former County Executive Tommy Schumpert, also includes a variety of games and rides, a confession area and a place where the politicians can "play ball" in full public view.

"It's going to be great for us," said developer Tim Graham, who interacts with county politicians in places besides public playgrounds. "I think it will give the politicians something to be proud of and work toward as a reward for good behavior and time served."

Schumpert, a two-term county executive in the 1990s, joined other county leaders to cut the ribbon on the park.

"I can't express in words what this means to me," he said. "It's not for Tommy Schumpert. It's for all future county politicians."

Knox County Mayor Mike Ragsdale proposed the playground in 2005 on land that was purchased during Schumpert's administration for an amusement park. "Better leadership came in and had the vision to make it a political playground and an amusement park," Schumpert said, referring to Ragsdale.

The public is also welcome at the park - in selected areas and during restricted hours, of course. Supporters say it will give citizens the opportunity to observe politicians interacting in a more natural, uninhibited way than during meetings and workshops. Some of the amusement park attractions will also offer educational opportunities for the politically naive...
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/07/knox-county-opens-new-politica.html

7/7
Trustee Office Tries to Retake Scandal Crown
But scandal observers say mayor's refusal to sign law director censure out-scandalizes trustee flap

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Knox County Trustee Fred Sisk's office Monday was trying to regain the scandal limelight with a dispute over an employee's paycheck. However, most observers say the trustee will have to be far more shocking to divert attention from other county imbroglios - especially with the mayor's refusal to sign county commission's censure of county law director Bill Lockett competing for attention.


"Look, back in March we grabbed the headlines for several days with this same employee's P-card purchase of The Sopranos on Blue-ray and other audiovisual supplies," said Sisk. "I realize that in the intervening months some fairly spectacular scandals have occurred - the take-home vehicle fight, the mayor's budget, a Knox County deputy from Union County trying to corral the county charter in Nashville, and, of course, the walking, talking, 24/7 outrage generator that is the law director, among others. But really, it's time for us to get back in the spotlight, and I can't think of a more reliable way to proceed than with a little paycheck dispute drama. It's a solid performer."

At the heart of the disagreement between Sisk and delinquent-tax supervisor and online payment manager Herb Tarlek are Tarlek's claims for 141,000 hours of sick leave and comp time plus overtime pay for the Fourth of July holiday, which Sisk says Tarlek is not entitled to.

"Fourth of July? No way," said Sisk. "We might pay employees to take days off to shop before Christmas, but we don't pay for the Fourth of July. As far as the sick pay and comp pay, he lost track of where he was a little bit - not every employee keeps track of that like they should now that the payroll department is tracking our time and the TBI is reviewing our files. He might be due a few thousand of those hours, but not the whole 141,000. And if this brouhaha isn't scandal-worthy, then my name's not Mike Lo- I mean, Fred Sisk..."
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/07/trustee-office-tries-to-retake.html

"Snark Bites" 06/28-07/04

7/3
TVA Tries Sending Inspection Reports Directly to Landfills
Field notes, press releases to go immediately to dump, too

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - The Tennessee Department of Environment Oversight, in the Sense of Overlooking, Not Overseeing (TDEOSONO) has approved test runs of four area landfills for the disposal of inspection reports, public-information documents and other materials related to the Dec. 22 coal fly-ash spill at the Tennessee Valley Authority's Kingston Fossil Plant.

In a statement issued Wednesday, TDEOSONO spokeswoman Trisha Cabrini-Green said TVA would be permitted to send five to 10 truckloads of reports and public-access documents - as well as any investigative journalism stories TVA successfully stonewalls - to each landfill under the agreement. The failure of a coal-ash disposal pond at the Kingston power plant dumped 5.4 million cubic yards of reports, memos and press releases - enough to fill 450,000 dump trucks - into the surrounding communities.

Cabrini-Green said that after the revelation that the field notes of the inspector who was the last to scrutinize the coal-ash pond at the Kingston Fossil Plant disappeared from his desk, TDEOSONO decided to bow to reality and start allowing TVA to begin sending materials relevant to the disaster directly to landfills.

Cliff Buttersquash, a Tennessee Valley Authority engineer, said in a deposition that his Oct. 22, 2008, inspection of the fly ash pond was the first he'd ever conducted, and while he responded to the Dec. 22 collapse at the facility, the notes disappeared. He specifically and emphatically stated in his deposition testimony that he had not taken the notes with invisible ink...
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/07/tva-tries-sending-inspection-r.html

7/1
City Ordinance Would Force Hopeless Politicians Out of Knoxville
Policy primarily aimed at keeping county politicians from asking for handouts

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - A proposed city ordinance ostensibly aimed at improving access to developers in the downtown and Downtown North corridor could soon force Knox County's hopeless politicians outside the city limits for most of the day.

Knoxville City Council members gave unanimous approval to the draft ordinance on first reading without discussion Tuesday. It would prohibit any county politician from sitting down to lunch with developers or lying down with dogs, metaphorically speaking, between the hours of 7 a.m. and 9 p.m. throughout the downtown core and along lower Broadway and North Central Street.

City officials have targeted the Broadway-Central corridors as a redevelopment area, hoping to draw skittish developers there to invest in making the district a pedestrian-friendly, mixed-use residential and commercial area just north of downtown. And they say they don't need hopelessly handout-addicted county politicians scaring away those mercurial yet money-hungry development-seeking creatures by pestering them for favors.

Bob Whetsel, the city's director of developer attraction, said developer access is an integral part of that.

"In order to have good developer connections, you need good, open-air interactions, with lots of sunshine and far away from dimly lit back rooms," he said...
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/07/city-ordinance-would-force-hop.html

6/30
Group seeks 'Double-Super' Ouster of Lockett
In other news, local attorney Herb Moncier aims for suit-filing world record

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - County Law Director Bill Lockett, already beleaguered by multiple efforts seeking his removal, faces yet another, as a half-dozen people said Monday they'll begin working to file a "double-super" ouster complaint against him. The group hopes to file a complaint in Chancery or Circuit Court and ask for an immediate hearing to seek Lockett's ouster, said an organizer of Monday's meeting, General Sun Tzu.

"It is the rule in war, if ten times the enemy's strength, surround them; if five times, attack them; we have the strength to attack and hold the momentum to start collecting signatures, and the time to strike is now," Tzu said. "We will go to each commissioner and ask for a representative from each district, for when torrential water tosses boulders, it is because of its momentum. When the strike of a hawk breaks the body of its prey, it is because of timing."

Tamara Shepherd, an organizer of the Lockett Recall Initiative that aims to put Lockett's recall before voters next year, is interested in being a plaintiff in an ouster suit too. "I would be willing to join the suit," said Shepherd. "Because if something is the right thing to do once, isn't it equally right to do it twice? Didn't Sun Tzu say something like that?"

"No," replied Tzu.

"But you did say 'opportunities multiply when they are seized,' didn't you?" insisted Shepherd.

"Well, yes..." admitted Tzu.

"Same difference," said Shepherd.

Two of the four commissioners who attended the meeting - Mark Harmon and Ed Shouse - said they would join the ouster suit if needed.

However, Commissioner Colonel Doctor Richard M. Briggs, M.D., said elected officials suing elected officials becomes "politicized - of course, admittedly, it's hard to say how an office-holder committing malfeasance isn't already 'politicized' - but I guess I mean there's politicized and then there's double-super politicized..."
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/06/group-seeks-double-super-ouste.html

"Snark Bites" 06/21-27

6/26
Cheeto War 'Harmful' to County, Officials Say
Hammond wants dietitian to settle Ragsdale-Walls snack battle

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Key Knox County officials said Thursday an escalating junk-food dispute between county Mayor Mike Ragsdale and county Auditor Richard Walls has become personal and is damaging to county food consumption.

Joe Carcello, chairman of the Knox County Audit Committee, said the mayor and auditor's relationship is poisoned - and so possibly are their Cheetos - and Commissioner Mike Hammond has called for a professional dietitian to settle their differences.

Ragsdale and Walls have been hurling the cheesy bits of salty goodness at each other for months. But now, observers say, the food fight is intensifying. Reportedly, the mayor called Walls "Cheeto-breath" and Walls shot back, with devastating accuracy, "Cheeter!"

Walls, who favors the baked puffs, says the mayor, a fried curls devotee, brought a giant-size bag of off-brand fried cheese snacks to Walls' office the next day and threatened to make the accountant "eat it." The mayor denies that version of events, saying Walls had talked about buying some of the delicious curly cheese bites from him, and Ragsdale had merely thought the extra-large bag of cut-rate cheese doodles was a good way for Walls to economize.

"The food feud is personal and gastronomical," said Carcello, Ernst & Young professor of accounting and co-founder and director of research for the Corporate Snack Consumption Center at the University of Tennessee - and a plain potato chips man himself. "Clearly, Richard dislikes Ragsdale's Cheetos and Ragsdale dislikes Richard's Cheetos - but they both love their Cheetos. There's personal animosity between them - and no snack food is safe in the midst of that simmering testosterone. Any time you see two guys attack each other with junk food, you know its personal. I'm not sure they need a dietitian. They may need a psychologist."

The animosity between the two sides was ratcheted up a notch Wednesday when Walls filed a sworn complaint with the county Ethics Committee, accusing the mayor of bringing bags of "crushed and mangled" baked Cheetos to him and eliminating Walls' 2010 Cheeto budget and giving that snack money to the Audit Committee.

"Those puffy Cheetos seem pretty harmless, but those fried ones, they're like little cudgels," said Hammond, who has a fondness for M&Ms. "If you went to whaling on someone with one of those, you might leave some bruises. But what if they escalate to Doritos? Those chips have sharp points, which could really do some damage. Other snack items could be equally harmful. That's why I favor M&Ms - they melt in your mouth, not whop you up side the head..."
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/06/cheeto-war-harmful-to-county-o.html

6/25
Mayor, Auditor Agree: "We Need Fresh Outrages"
Headline-deprived duo says TVA, law director getting too much attention

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Saying TVA and Knox County's law director were getting entirely too much media attention, Knox County's auditor and mayor yesterday accused each other of wrongdoing in an effort to attract interest.

County Auditor Richard Walls alleged Knox County Mayor Mike Ragsdale knocked him down, stole his lunch money and spread mean rumors about him with the in-crowd in county government. Ragsdale countered that abusing Walls was the only way he could get the media's focus off Knox County Law Director Bill Lockett.

At a press conference, Ragsdale blamed "lazy media persons" for his actions against Walls, saying reporters were not "dutifully attending to ongoing outrages" in the mayor's office.

"If you would just pay more attention to me, you'd have plenty of scandal to report on, without resorting to the likes of the law director," exclaimed the clearly exasperated Ragsdale.

"We're having to fight for coverage here," continued Ragsdale. "I mean, where's my coverage? Look it, a couple of days ago, the county redistricting fight was on the front page - and those fight don't hold a candle to some of my barn-burners with commission - although if half of what was said in those redistricting meetings got reported, I'd probably never get back in the headlines. Hoo-boy, that Commissioner Carringer, she's a firecracker, isn't she?" ...
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/06/mayor-auditor-agree-we-need-fr.html

6/24
Redistricting Group Tries to Put Humpty Dumpty Together
Unable to solve redistricting, panel attempts other insoluble puzzles

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Increasingly frustrated with its inability to settle on one redistricting plan, the Knox County Redistricting Committee on Tuesday added a third proposal to the pool of finalists and then turned its attention to other timelessly inscrutable mysteries.

The committee began its next impossible task - trying to put Humpty Dumpty back together again - after commissioners grew stubbornly intractable over even minute changes to their districts called for in the district plans under consideration. Plan 7A, for instance, which puts no incumbents at risk of losing their districts, was nonetheless the target of objections hurled by residents and politicos alike.

Commissioner Michele Carringer sparred with fellow Commissioner Amy Broyles over the plan, which would shift the Gresham ward in Fountain City from Carringer's 7th District, which includes Halls, to Broyles' 2nd, which includes North Knoxville and part of Fountain City.

"When I say Gresham will stay in the 7th District," said Carringer in rather a scornful tone, "that means just what I choose it to mean - neither more nor less.'

"The question is,' said Broyles in rather a threatening manner, "whether you can make a district be what you want it to be."

`The question is," replied Carringer, "which is to be master - that's all."

"We aren't through the looking glass," declared Broyles. "Power is master here. The 2nd District will take Gresham - by force if necessary."

Shot back Carringer: "Only when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers."

Dave Wright then interjected that he objected to any plan that would remove a single cubic millimeter of turf from the 8th District he represents, "even it's Plan 9 from outer space..."
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/06/redistricting-group-tries-to-p.html

6/23
Commission Votes to Use Law Director as Stormwater Barrier
But commissioners decline to create special 24/7 "Lockett Line"

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - The Knox County Commission voted 18-1 Monday to ask the state attorney general to determine whether county Law Director Bill Lockett's admitted misappropriation of clients' money is grounds to oust him from office and use him as a stormwater barrier in one of several local developments in need of runoff protection.

Stormwater experts warned that employing a law director for uses not specifically intended could have unexpected consequences, but the resolution's sponsors said their duty to Knox County taxpayers is their overriding concern.

Lockett admitted to the county's pension board on May 26 that he kept clients' payments intended for his former law firm, Kennerly, Montgomery & Finley, before taking office last August - although he maintains that he did so on his own time, after business hours. Lockett also pocketed a $10,000 loan from developer Tim Graham shortly before taking office last year, as well as an undetermined number of other loans from undisclosed lenders, the firm has said. Lockett says these clients were merely playing "Secret Santa."

Commissioners debated over term definitions and what course of action to pursue for about 9,000 minutes before voting. The law director has been decommissioned for commission meetings, so Deputy Law Director Joe Jarret advised commissioners on the legal issues. To begin with, Jarret explained the difference between an ouster suit and a recall.

"An ouster suit is a civil court proceeding and a recall is something manufacturers issue when they discover there's something wrong with one of their doohickeys and they don't want to get sued," said Jarret. "For example, Knox County Voters, Ltd., a manufacturer of law directors, has issued a recall for all county law directors created and installed in Knox County in 2008."

Jarret drew praise from commissioners for his handling of such trying circumstances. "Rah, rah! Go, go, Joe!" cried the commissioners.

Despite Jarret's assistance, the debate took some surprising turns.

"I want to set up an all-Lockett, all the time, 24/7 hot line for citizens who have had contact with the law director," declared Commissioner Amy Broyles. "And I want to run public service announcements saying, 'If this man has approached you for a loan, call the Lockett Line, toll-free, at 1-800-whatever.'"

"I want to deal with the law director, too, but that's silly," said Commissioner Brad Anders.

"Say that to voters in my district, and they'll introduce you to the 'Knox U.' school of silly," said Broyles.

"Knox U.?" asked Anders quizzically. "Where's that?"

"It's where you tell my constituents that their concerns are silly and they let loose a tirade that knocks you silly," explained Broyles...
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/06/commission-votes-to-use-law-di.html

"Snark Bites" 6/14-20

6/20
Herb Moncier's KnoX-files
The truth is out there. Way, way out there

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Local attorney and county government lawsuit-maestro Herb Moncier is summoning FBI Agents Mulder and Scully to investigate a vast conspiracy that he alleges permeates the hallways and back rooms of the City County Building and extends all the way to New Mexico.

In his lawsuit, filed this week, Moncier asserts that the Knox County law director's office has been clandestinely controlled for the past 200 years by a succession of secret societies, including the Illuminati, the Knights Templar, the Rosicrucians, the Freemasons, the Skull and Bones Society and the "pod people" from Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Communists, fluoride activists and Flat Earth Society members may also be involved, but the suit is not clear on that point.

The suit maintains that the law director's office is currently controlled by Elvis Presley from a bunker under Area 51 outside Roswell, New Mexico. The suit's explanation of Elvis' goals is murky, but Elvis seems to be intent on preserving a level of ineptitude in county government by somehow enticing voters to keep voting for the same officials over and over again.

Defendants are former Knox County Law Director John Owings, Elvis, the Smoking Man, the One-Armed Man, the Second Shooter on the Grassy Knoll, and any "aliens impersonating government officials in Knox County."

Moncier declined to speak about the lawsuit. Elvis, the Smoking Man, the One-Armed Man and the Second Shooter were either unavailable for comment or dead Friday afternoon. Mulder would say only that he could trust no one, Scully muttered "Sure...fine...whatever," and Owings said he had yet to see the complaint.

"I'll withhold comment on the suit until I've had an opportunity to read it," Owings said Friday afternoon. "But, for the record, I believe the King is dead..."
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/06/herb-monciers-knox-files.html

6/18
Manufacturer Issues Recall for Faulty Law Directors
Defective conscience, malfunctioning moral compass cited as reason

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - A manufacturer of county law directors yesterday issued a recall for all county law directors created and installed in Knox County in 2008. A spokesperson for the firm, Knox County Voters, Ltd., cited "defective consciences, malfunctioning moral compasses and other faulty parts" as reason for the action.

"Yes, some wires really got crossed somewhere in that piece of work," said spokesperson Brian Paone. "It looked OK coming off the assembly line, but clearly we need to institute more rigorous quality control measures."

The manufacturers warned that users of misfiring law directors may experience moral ambiguity and crises of conscience and advised users to immediately wash their hands, check their wallets and seek a second opinion. Other legal entities exposed to the malfunctioning mouthpiece may need to have their ethics examined by a professional.

Paone warned that faulty law directors could begin to display behavior utterly contrary to their programming.

"In models where the conscience and the moral compass are defective, law directors may start collecting money from clients without properly accounting for it or taking in loans but not reporting them," said Paone. "Things just don't tally up right when the moral compass goes haywire in the law director thingamajig."

Flaws in those parts then begin to affect every aspect of a law director's performance, Paone explained.

"Essentially, the law director can't perform its job," he said. "These malfunctioning parts, which are vital for keeping any lawyer in good working order, quickly impact most of a law director's higher functions. In short order, its ability to communicate is inhibited and its primary function, representing and advising county departments in legal matters, is wholly compromised. Curiously, its ability to draw paychecks remains unimpaired..."
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/06/manufacturer-issues-recall-for.html

6/16
Law Director: "I Still Have Work to Do"
Shuffling papers, sharpening pencils, Lockett keeps busy

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Declaring "I'm still in charge of the law director's office," Knox County Law Director Bill Lockett today announced a major rearrangement of the office furniture.

"I still have work to do - I am having my desk moved closer to the window, and I'm thinking of having new draperies installed," explained the energetic law director. "What do you think of chartreuse brocade with lacy frills?"

Lockett also noted that he had a large quantity of folders to file, pencils to sharpen, and papers to shuffle. He said that he would be checking later to make sure that the trash was taken out.

"Anything that happens in this office, I'm on top of it," he said.

Meanwhile, Chief Deputy Law Director Joe Jarret said that the Tennessee Bureau of Investigation had seized Lockett's e-mail records in its criminal investigation into his activities.

"County information technology came to my office under the authority of TBI and asked for access to Mr. Lockett's computer," Jarret said this morning.

Lockett confirmed that the TBI had seized his e-mails records but stated that he was still able to send and receive e-mails.

"I am absolutely the only person in this office in charge of sending or receiving e-mails on my computer," said Lockett. "I can also move things on my desk. See? I just moved my desk calendar, because I am completely in control of everything in this office. I may release a statement tomorrow regarding a major reorganization of my drawers..."
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/06/law-director-i-still-have-work.html

6/15
Re-Enactment of County Mayor Ouster Sought
Rhyming joke from county law director's case may shed new light on why Ragsdale is still in office

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Controversy surrounding Knox County Law Director Bill Lockett has given 12 residents who filed an ouster complaint against County Mayor Mike Ragsdale reason to seek a re-enactment of the historic ouster suit.

"The law director's case gives us new clues as to how the mayor was able to dodge that bullet, so what we'd like to do is a complete re-enactment of the events leading up to the ouster suit from January through June of last year," said Chuck Bowers, a retired nuclear physicist and spokesman for the members of the group. "What we've found is citizens now are walking around saying, 'Is that a Lockett in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me,' but no such jokey rhyme was made up in Mayor Ragsdale's case. We need to find out why."

Meanwhile, from the City County Building, the sounds of high-pitched wailing and keening could be heard, possibly emitting from the vicinity of Suite 615.

Lockett admitted taking clients' money for himself that was intended for his former law firm, Kennerly, Montgomery & Finley. The firm said the incidents took place from 2005 until just before Lockett took office in 2008, "but only occurred after office hours, which is why it took so long for anyone to notice anything wrong."

Bowers and 11 others, including Knox County Commissioner Paul Pinkston and former commissioner Victoria DeFreese, filed the ouster complaint against Ragsdale through local DA Randy Nichols' office last June. But Nichols' office recused itself on the grounds that "we're always cautious around things that might be politically explosive - we don't want our ambitions taken out by the shrapnel."

Bowers said statements made during the censure and the call for Lockett's resignation last week may give them a new direction in their effort against Ragsdale.

"We keep hearing the 'Lockett in your pocket' phrase now, and we need to know why a similar phrase didn't develop then," explained Bowers. "So we need a re-enactment of everything from last year involving Mayor Ragsdale: the audits, the mysterious $19.65 charge at J's Mega Mart, the lobster lunches, the faux receipts from Kinko's, Ragsdale's amazing 'When I think about you, I clear myself' press-conference performance, the mass staff exodus - all of it. Victoria [DeFreese] already has all her lines memorized. She's revved up and ready to go."

"All right, Mr. Bowers, I'm ready for my close-up," DeFreese confirmed...
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/06/re-enactment-of-county-mayor-o.html

"Snark Bites" 06/07-13/09

6/13
Fans Flock to knoXcon
Attendees come dressed as favorite area politicians

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Like any good, hard-to-kill comic book superhero, knoXcon, the local culture and collectibles event, is battling back for another year at the Knoxville Convention Center this weekend.

Recession and scandal-fatigue woes were "a big concern" in planning this year's knoXcon, but organizers say the event is weathering it well.

"After all, this show is based entirely around taxpayer-supported politicians who waste their money - it only makes sense that folks interested in local government would come out to support it," said knoXcon organizer Adam Phelps. However, the cost of a three-day pass has been lowered to $25. Daily passes are $15. Local politicians are welcome to try to haggle the price down or finagle a cut of the proceeds, said Phelps.

Attendees dressing up as local political personalities is commonplace at knoXcon. For instance, convention-goer Steve Rogers attended in an outlandish, oversized Mayor Mike Ragsdale costume. The human-like creature sported a nose at least 2 feet long. Inside, Rogers strutted around like a proud peacock.

For him, the appeal of dressing up is in the attention value. "Everybody takes your picture, and you get to pose with kids, especially if you pretend to read to them," said Rogers.

Phelps says costuming is "a rush" for the person wearing the outlandish garb. Rogers agreed.

"It's fun to see people's faces as you're walking around," he says. "You get the double-take because sometimes people go, 'Hey, is that really the mayor?' and then they ask you to autograph their pet lobster...
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/06/fans-flock-to-knoxcon.html

6/11
Lone Wolf Lumpy Defies Commission, Votes Conscience
"Here I stand; I can do no other," cries scruples-stricken commissioner

From APR reports. KNOXVILLE - The pernicious Knox County Commission, in a special called meeting yesterday, rushed to summary judgment against hapless Law Director Bill Lockett - with only brave commissioner Greg "Lumpy" Lambert strong-spined enough to stand against them.

With nary a whiff of evidence, only -

- Lockett's own admission of guilt that he took money from his former firm;
- Lockett's acknowledgment that he had sought loans from the firm's clients, including a $10,000 loan from developer Tim Graham after Lockett had won the primary race for Law Director;
- Statements from Lockett's former firm affirming his action;
- Statements from one of his former clients;
- And a 30-page petition for discipline filed by the Tennessee Board of Professional Responsibility detailing Lockett's malfeasance

- With only that trifling documentation, the remorseless Knox County Commission voted almost unanimously to be "really mean" to Lockett.

The heroic Lumpy protested the body's actions in the strongest possible terms. He offered up one alternative explanation after another for Lockett's actions - all to no avail, as the rest of the commissioners had clearly already built a case in their own minds based on the slimmest of evidence.

"He may have been moonlighting with some of his former firms' clients, just taking money off the books and keeping it for his own, nothing serious," suggested Lambert. "Or he may just have been mooning them, or other similarly harmless high-school hi-jinx. The point is, despite Lockett's own admission of guilt, the law firm's testimony, testimony of a former client and the 30-page document from the BPR, we just don't know what went on..."
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/06/lone-wolf-lumpy-defies-commiss.html

6/9
Knox County Preps for Annual "Bonnaruse" Festival
"Those stoner kids never know the difference," says county commissioner

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Strapped for cash to fund a deficit-laden budget and desperate to score PR points, Knox County government officials today confirmed that they are devising ways to reroute Bonnaroo-bound travelers to downtown Knoxville beginning tomorrow for a substitute "Bonnaruse" festival.

"Bonnaroo, Bonnaruse, Bonnaschmooze - same difference," explained Commissioner Mike Hammond, one of the proponents of the scheme. "Those stoner kids going to Bonneroo, they have loads of disposable income, and all they need is a place to camp out and venues to spend it in."

Sheriff Jimmy "J.J." "Good Times" Jones acknowledged that his covert agents in the surrounding counties would be working to divert cash-laden Bonnaroo-bound vehicles from their destination in Manchester, Tennessee, toward Knox County.

"Yes, all our plants in surrounding counties will be drawing overtime to route those disposable-income-toting lovelies back to Knox County to give our economy a hot cash injection," said Jones.

But not all county officials were enthusiastic about the concept.

"They're dirty, stinky hippies!" declared County Commissioner Paul Pinkston. "They'll be-a practicin' that 'free glove' and 'free birds' and other dirty, stinky hippie things!"

Hammond said that Market Square would be used as a campsite for the Bonnaruse attendee s. When asked why they weren't encouraged to camp at a more appropriate site, such as the World's Fair Park, Hammond replied, "We need them located nearer to cash-extraction facilities."

Although the Bonnaruers may be deceived into detouring into Knoxville, their Bonnaruse trip won't be without entertainment value. Lifesize cardboard cutouts of all the headlining Bonneroo acts will be set up inside the Knoxville Convention Center, "and loud, raucous recordings of howler monkeys will be broadcast throughout the downtown area to lure the kids there," said Commissioner Greg "Lumpy" Lambert...
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/06/knox-county-preps-for-annual-b.html

"Snark Bites" 05/31-06/06

5/31-6/6

6/5
Lockett Denies He Existed Before Sept. 1, 2008
Law Director says he was "reincarnated" after assuming office

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Knox County Law Director Bill Lockett today asserted that he didn't exist prior to taking office on September 1, 2008. He also said that any acts of defalcation, peculation, pilferage, filching, fraud, larceny or other malfeasance that occurred at the Kennerly, Montgomery & Finley law firm from 2005-2008 must have been perpetrated by "some guy who looked like me who wore my clothes."

Broadcasting from a bunker deep beneath the county's law offices, a voice purported to be Lockett's said that deeds occurring before September 1, 2008, could not be attributable to him because, "on that date, Bill Lockett was reincarnated as 'The Law Director.'"

"I have been reborn as The Law Director," said the voice. "Whether my reincarnation stems from the Buddhist and Hindu samsara, the Greek metempsychosis, the Sufi dawriyyah, Nietzsche's eternal recurrence or the parallel universe theory, I don't know, but I'm a new being. The Law Director can't be held responsible now for whatever this Lockett person did then."

Despite the voice's claims to the contrary, however, County officials on Thursday confirmed that an Internal Revenue Service agent is seeking records for Law Director Bill Lockett.

"The IRS asked me to check our files," said Frances Fogerson, senior director of County Human Resources. "But we'll have minimal records for him if he's been reincarnated, because our system's not equipped to handle metaphysical concepts."

Fogerson identified the agent as Sarah Lee, a special agent with the metaphysical crime investigation unit of the IRS in Knoxville.

Lee, reached for comment while eating dessert, said she could neither confirm nor deny the report because it dealt with "particle physics of the Schrödinger's cat variety - the very act of confirming that I am surveiling Law Director Lockett would affect the outcome of the surveillance."

To deflect attention away from the investigation, the disembodied voice of Law Director Lockett also floated the idea that a doppelgänger might have assumed his form from 2005-2008 and committed the crimes he is being investigated for.

"It's possible a malevolent spirit took my likeness and committed these heinous acts," explained the voice. "It's happened before - you just ask Kolchak..."
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/06/lockett-denies-he-existed-befo.html

6/3
In County Government, Who's Gone First?
The Lockett, Rockett and Ragsdale saga

Brrrring! Brrrring! Brr-click-Hello?

Reporter: Hello, commissioner! I'm a reporter for the New York Times! We hear there're outlandish doings again down there in the government of Knox County, Tennessee! We hear strange things are goin' on - crazy things, zany things! And you're just the fella to give us the straight dope on it, arentcha?

Commissioner: I'll be happy to help if I can.

R: Well, I understand up in the City County Building you have a passel of yer wacthmacallems, "malfeasants."

C: Bless you!

R: No, no. "Mal-fea-sants."

C: Oh, we've all had our immunizations.

R: ...So I hear you got a buncha crooks in the county gov.

C: We do our best with what we got.

R: What can you tell me about them?

C: You know, in Knox County, we have lots of officials in trouble who may have to depart office. We have the one who committed defalcation-

R: I'm sorry commissioner, we can't say that.

C: Say what?

R: That's a dirty word. We're a family paper.

C: No, no, it's just means "embezzlement."

R: Oh, is that what the kids are calling it these days? Anyways, go on.

C: Well, as I was saying, we have the defalcator, we have the one who brought a shotgun to work, the one with P-card, slush fund and community program problems-

R: That's enough to get us started. So, of these three scofflaws, who would you say will leave office first?

C: Well, I don't like to speculate on such matters, but I suppose I must cooperate with the press.

R: Always a good idea, commissioner. The press is your friend.

C: With friends like these, who needs a firing squad? *Sigh* Well, if I had to guess, I suppose I'd say Rockett first, Lockett second and Ragsdale third.

R: Say what?

C: I said, Rockett first, Lockett second and Ragsdale third.

R: Uh-huh. You're a Knox County commissioner?

C: I am.

R: You know the names of your officials?

C: I should think so.

R: You know the names of the known ne'erdowells in office?

C: I should say so - it's in the orientation package.

R: Then what are the names of these malingerers?

C: I told you, Rockett, Lockett and Ragsdale.

R: You say rock it, lock it and rags tell? So if I do, they will?

C: They will what?

R: Tell.

C: I already told you.

R: Told me what?

C: Their names.

R: You did? What are they?

C: Rockett, Lockett and Ragsdale.

R: Those aren't names - they're activities!

C: It is what it is.

R: Don't be bringing what "is" is into this!

C: Take it easy!

R: How can I take it easy when you're makin' this near impossible? Suppose you tell me their names one at a time.

C: I can do that.

R: Let's start with the first one. What's the name of the guy that committed the defalcation?

C: Lockett.

R: Lock it?

C: That's it.

R: That's what?

C: That's the name.

R: What's the name?

C: Lockett.

R: Lock what?

C: Lock-ett.

R: Look, you're a county commissioner, right?

C: I am.

R: Then you know the names of the malefactors in county government, yeah?

C: Now, wouldn't I be a fine county commissioner if I didn't? I have to work with them. Sometimes intimately.

R: And when you get together with the other little commissioners, you talk about these miscreants?

C: Sometimes, certainly.

R: And when you tell another commissioner about the guy that took the defalcation, what do you say?

C: Lockett.

R: You tell your fellow commissioners, "Lock it"?

C: Naturally.

R: You tell them to shut up naturally?

C: I tell them nothing of the kind.

R: You don't say, "Lock it"?

C: Of course I do.

R: Lock it?

C: Yes.

R: ...Why won't you tell me the guy's name?

C: But I'm telling you, man.

R: If you're tellin' me, what's the name of the guy that committed the defalcation?

C: Lockett.

R: Stop tellin' me to stifle!

C: But that is his name!

R: That's his name?

C: "That" is not his name!

R: If That's not his name, then what's the name of the guy that committed the defalcation?

C: Lockett.

R: Lock what?

C: No, Lock-ett!

R: Lock it what?

C: No, no, just "Lockett..."
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/06/in-county-government-whos-gone.html

5/31
Knox County Charter, Government File for Divorce
Charter claims "irreconcilable differences," government alleges "withholding of affection"

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Calling revelations of Knox County Law Director Bill Lockett's misdeeds "just the latest in a series of painful humiliations," the Knox County Charter today brought divorce proceedings against the county government for irreconcilable differences. "I just want custody of our dignity!" cried the tearful legal document during a brief press conference on the steps of the old Knox County Courthouse.

County government immediately filed a counter-suit to have the marriage annulled, alleging that the charter had withheld its "conjugal services and consortium" and had "failed to stand by her man."

Both parties sought to force the other to take custody of their embattled law director.

"I am not responsible for that miscarriage of justice called the county law director," said the charter, demurely outfitted for the press conference in plain white, with a recurring black print pattern. "If the government had only followed my lead, we could control that little truant and all the other brats off running their own little fee office playpens. At the least, if I'd had my way, we'd be able to punish them when they misbehave. But every restraint I try to place on them, the government undercuts. Mr. He-Man County Government says, 'No, Bill's a big boy now, let him do things his own way.' And J.J.'s running off to Nashville, crying 'Child abuse! Child abuse!' every time I try to take the car keys from him, Fred's taking advances on his allowance money, and Sherry's always talking back ... I can't live like this anymore."

County government, holding forth outside the City County Building, disputed the charter's charges and claimed the couple was never married in the first place.

"I'm filin' for annulment because the marriage was never, never ... watchacallit - constipated," said the gaudily garbed political regime, its Hawaiian shirt barely concealing its vast bulk. "I tried my darn'dest to warm to her, but that document is one cold dish. She was never willin' to get in bed with me. And now she wants to say those kids acting up in their fees offices is my responsibility? What about those 19 crybabies on commission? No discipline, no supervision, no respect. You know, a while back, all of 'em were openly contempoo- contemtoo- they was openly disrespectin' me. And what about the mayor and that crowd he runs with? Who's watchin' him while she's busy chasin' after more 'amendments' - like she needs more of those..."
http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/mcnutt/2009/05/knox-county-charter-government.html